Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 9 - It's a Nude, Nude, Nude, Nude World - full transcript

Welcome to
the Nude-Limpic Games,

this year taking place in
Malibu Adjacent, California.

Nude athletes have gathered
from all over the world

to compete in
naked pole vaulting...

He really knows
how to use his pole.

Man, that's gotta hurt.

Naked cliff diving...


Ooh, she really
muffed that dive.

And there's water sports,

where the athletes hope
to be showered with gold.

Man, low voice:
You're a very good swimmer.

In high school,
I did the breaststroke.

If you like breaststroking,

you've come to the right place.

Actually, I'm looking
for 2 puppies.

Like I said, you've
come to the right place.

They may be behind these rocks.

Can you help me find them?



Welcome, lifeguard recruits.

Unfortunately, only one of you

is gonna land on my
unit. And that's tough,

because you're
obviously the best

America has to offer.

Uh, professor Milosevic,

I know you used to be
a great lifeguard,

but are you sure
you're still up to it?

I am up for anything,

thanks to my good friend,
Mr. Viagra. Ha ha ha...

Wait! My sensors are
picking up a woman drowning.

What woman drowning?

This one. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... schwing!

Tonight's episode...

This episode of Son of the Beach

will self-destruct
in 30 minutes.

Professor Milosevic,
congratulations on a great save.

I can tell by your face that
you're bursting with pride.

Now let's meet
the other recruits.

My name is Mercury Lincoln.

I'm overweight and can't swim.

But if I don't get this job,

I'm suing your bony
white ass for discrimination.

Welcome aboard.

My name is Hank.

And I hope it's not a
problem 'cause of who I am.

Because you're, uh,
a little person?


'Cause I'm an alcoholic.

I'm Digger Cooseberry.

And, uh, what makes you think

you're SPF-30
material, my friend?

I'm a former Navy S.E.A.L.

And a peace corps volunteer.

I'm always looking
for ways to help people.

Excellent qualifications.

Well, maybe, Kimberlee,

but I don't remember
asking for people

who were qualified.

Notch, Notch.
What is it, Jamaica?

I've seen dead people.

Dead people? Where, Jamaica?

Down at the nude-limpic
village. Come on.

I'm scared.

Because she's dead?

No, 'cause she's wearing
a white sheet.

I can't believe I'm going
to see a naked woman.

Chip, she's dead.

I know, but she's still
going to be naked.

Ok, gang, here goes the sheet.


I bet she had a good love life.

Look at the size
of those hickeys.

Those aren't hickeys.

Those are strangulation marks.

Hey, what do those letters mean?


Boy, it's times like this

I wish someone learned me
how to read.

You know, a lot of times

serial killers leave clues,

hoping to be caught.

Uhh, those letters be stinkin'.

You're right, 'Maica.

They smell like wee-wee tinkle.

Are you sure?

Yep. That's wee-wee tinkle.

What the Sam hill
is going on here?

Mayor, there's been a murder.

And we think
somebody's been killed.

We can't let the press
know about this.

But mayor, we have
to warn the people.

This guy could kill again.

Listen, you
eczema-ridden egghead,

500 nude athletes are
streaking into Malibu adjacent.

These perverts are not only
going to be dropping their clothing,

but their money.

So let's just pretend
this never happened.

And let the Nude-Limpics begin!

Hi, there.

I really like
your snatch, and curl.

I know why you like to be naked.

Because you're a dirty girl.

Get away from me!
No! Get away from me!

Hey, come here! Aaaaaaaaaah!

Come back here!

I can't believe the mayor.

I ask you, what price can you
place on a nude human life?

Oh, here comes digger.

3 minutes and 45 seconds.

That is a new world
record, huh, Notch?

Yeah, well, let's see
if he can beat my time.

But, Notch, your time
was an hour and...

Ok, time for
the mouth-to-mouth test.

Who wants to go first?

I'll give it a shot.

Uh, baby, baby.

We oughta do this more often.

Help me!

Help me!

I just had a really close shave.

I can see that.

Here, ma'am. Put these on.

Yo, give us the down low.

Ja, was is the poop?

This guy tried to kill me.

I never saw his face.

All I saw was his, um, member.

You mean his penis?

Kimberlee, you said
a dirty word.

If penis came out of my lips,

I'd get my mouth washed out.

Please, help me!

Ma'am, we are gonna get
our hands on this member,

no matter how hard it is.

And when we do,
the penalty will be stiff.

Uh, Notch.

Uh, you're right, Kimberlee.

I'm getting cocky.

Now let's go catch a murderer.

Does anybody got a cigarette?

An extended hug
doesn't make you G

thank you, ma'am, for
that detailed description.

You're free to go.

Ok, gang, listen up.

The only way we're
gonna catch this guy

is to poke around
the nude-limpics.

But to go there, you
have to be naked.

I understand.

You're all embarrassed

because you weren't
blessed with a body like mine.

But who's with me?

Oh, uh, you know, I... I
really should stay here,

for the recruits.

Yeah, I better stay, too.

Kimberlee's gonna
need some help.

Oh, no, I'm fine...

I mean, I need some help.

I'll go.

I just need to use sunscreen
on my braunschweiger.

I have no problem
with being butt naked.

In fact, if I wasn't
a lifeguard,

I'd either be a brain surgeon

or a pole dancer.

A pole dancer?

Believe me, if
I was from Poland,

I'd have nothing to dance about.

No, fool, a pole dancer.

Like at a gentlemen's club.

Hmm, I wonder what
that would be like.

Wow! That's kind
of a pole I like.

Ok, everybody, let's get naked.

I feel so free!

Me, too!


Chip, it's really cold today.

It must be 85 degrees.

Come on, B.J. Hurry up!

You'll have to excuse me
if I'm not an eager beaver.

All right, let's hit
the nude beach.

One of the simplest duties
of being a lifeguard

is to simply stand watch.

Think you can handle that?

Mercury, you got a question?

Yeah. When do we eat?

Is that all you think about?

No, I also think about napping.

- Yeah?
- Why don't you go yourself?

What?! Man, are you trippin'?

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Mercury, Hank.

Now I want the two
of you to stay here

and keep your eye
on the water, ok?

Hey. I catch you at a bad time?

Um, no, not at all.

Kimberlee, can I be
candid with you?

Sure, digger.
What's on your mind?

You're the kind of girl
I could go for.

I mean, you're so wholesome.

Oh, well, yeah, that's me.

Good ol' wholesome Kimberlee.

No, no, no, no.
Wholesome is a good thing.

Let those other lifeguards
hang out in their skimpy bikinis.

Me, I like a girl
in a one-piece.

Oh, well... Thanks.

Kimberlee, would you
go out with me?


Oh, no, I can't.

Sorry, digger. I can't
date other lifeguards.

I don't have the job yet.

Good point.

Um, well, in that case,

why don't you pick
me up here after work?


Wake your lazy butt up!

And where in the heck is Hank?

I don't know. Huh! Well,

why don't you go find his ass?

Come on.

Jeez, it's about time.

Chip, will you stop
bumping into me?

I can't help it!

It's all these
bare naked ladies.

Hey, I just saw some suspicious
guy go in the men's room.

Check him out. I'm on him.

Um, excuse me, ma'am.

We're looking for
a Caucasian-American male,

4 to 6 inches.

Man, low voice: Find
it, naked filthy girl.



Kissing a guy
doesn't make you gay, right?

Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Another victim of this sicko.

God, I feel so helpless,

almost impotent.

Come on, Notch. You'll
always be impotent to me.

I'll cover her with this sheet.

Wait, B.J.

Before you do that,

do you think her
breasts are real?

More letters. Look.


So, Notch, what's your analysis?

Well, Chip, urinalysis
is the study of urine.

And it seems to me that
this is another victim of...

The pee-pee choker.

What is going on here?

Mayor, another girl's
been killed.

I told you I wanted
this kept quiet.

I thought... Long
and hard about this.

I can't help it.

It's the bare naked ladies.

Oh! I'm so sorry.

Look, we've got
to catch this killer,

and I've got to let
everybody know.

And I'm gonna do it through
this amazing new medium

called... television.

Welcome to...

And now our host, Todd Bridges!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Now before we get started,

I am happy to announce

that as a result
of last week's show,

we were able to track
Robert Downey, Jr. down

and throw him back in jail.

Now our first guest tonight

is our very own
chief lifeguard himself,

Notch Johnson.

Have a seat, Notch.

Thank you, Todd.

First of all, let me
say how sad I was

to hear about the passing
of your father Lloyd.

But please, give my best to
your brothers Beau and Jeff.

What you talkin' 'bout, Johnson?

Thanks for asking.

What I'm talking
about is the fact

that there's a
killer on the loose

here in Malibu adjacent.

Please hold your gasps
until the end.

Now I understand that
this guy is a serial killer.

Even worse, Todd.
This guy is a serial killer.

He's killing women, and
I need your viewers' help

in order to catch him.

Well, do you have
any identifying clues

that can help my viewers
track this killer down?

Todd, I've got a
composite of the suspect's...

Little fella.

Wow. He even looks crooked,

and he's got a birthmark that
looks a lot like Janet Reno.

Zoom into this, please.

Folks, for those of
you who don't know,

Janet Reno, he used to
be the attorney general.

Thanks for coming by, Notch.

Folks, join me next week
on most wanted

for our special
all rap star episode.

Anybody home?

Oh, hi.

So, how do I look?


Malibu adjacent
hotline, can I help you?

Chief. Herr Milosevic has the
test scores for the new recruits.

He has rooted out
the strong from the weak.

Here are the results.

Yo, listen to this.

Best swimming ability... digga.

Best first aid... digga.

Best health and fitness... digga.

Best cpr...

I know, I know... digger.

And where is Mr. Wonderful?

He's on a date with Kimberlee.

Oh, really?

How great for them.

Notch Johnson?

Yeah, yeah. What, uh...

What can I do for you, ma'am?

I saw you on Malibu
adjacent's most wanted.

My son's been
killing those women.

Say what?

How do you know it's your son?

Because Attorney General
Janet Reno is on his winkie.

Why would your son
kill those dead girls?

He's angry at me.

See, I used to be a stripper.

Well, that's a dirty racket.

What do you do now?

I'm a crack whore.

Well, good for you.

You gave up stripping.

The digger's never forgiven me.

Did you say digger?

Yeah. Digger's my son.

Wait a second.

Didn't somebody just say

that Kimberlee's on
a date with digger?

Yeah, B.J. You did.

That's right!

I knew I heard it somewhere.

You know what I like
about you, Kimberlee?

Is that you're so clean-cut.

You like that?

Sure I do. You're not a
slut like those other girls.

I see.

Can I tell you something?

Those murders?

They were all caused
by slutty naked whores.

Oh, I don't know
if they were sluts.

I see these signs
all over the place

looking for the killer.

Why don't they just
call the I.B.F.?

You mean the f.B.I.?

Yeah, that's what I said,
the I.B.F.

You aren't making fun
of my dyslexia, are you?

Uh, digger, will you
excuse me for a minute?

I just... I need to
use the ladies' room.

Missing person.

Excuse me. Have
you seen this person?

Excuse me, have you
seen this person?

Anyone? Hey, excuse me.

Sir, sir, have you seen her?

Excuse me, have you
seen this person?

Excuse me, have you
seen this person?


You really let me down.

I was gonna let you live.

I thought you were pure,

not filthy like those
whores I punished.

I... I am pure...

No, no, no, you're
not, you're not.

You're sneaky.

You want to hide things from me,

and that's what makes you
a horrible bitch!


Aaaaaaah! Aaaaaah!

What are you gonna do to me?

I know you want to be naked,

so that's why
I have to kill you.


Listen, I hear fighting.

Over there.

Digga, please.

Don't come any closer!

Or I'll snap her neck in 2!

We've got to do something.

I'm trying to think,

but I keep coming up short.

Coming up short.

B.J., you're a genius.

Hank, can I borrow
you for a second?





Oh, Notch, thank you so much.

God, I could just
kiss you right now.

Oh, what the hell. I
will kiss you right now.

Having 4 homosexual experiences

Hank, I want to thank
you for all your help

and wish you well. I'm
sure you're in a lot of pain.

Pain? What pain?

Well, Milo, you did
a great job on the beach,

but I'm afraid I'm gonna
need you back at H.Q.

As a criminologist,
as a researcher,

and as a toaster oven.

Gladly, Notch.

By the way, your poppin'
fresh rolls are ready.

Well, Mercury, I'm proud
to say the job is yours.

You giving me the job?

Heh. Why? 'Cause I'm black?

Man, if the job ain't
good enough for whitey,

it ain't good enough for me.

Wow. Seems like we're
fresh out of recruits.

Not so fast, Notch.

Looks like there's a
new one on the way.

Are you still looking
for a lifeguard?

I always wanted to call
Notch Johnson bosth.

Yes, we are, but we need to know

if you're SPF-30 material.

Can you swim out
to that buoy there?

That ba-ba-buoy?

That's right.

Ok. Here goes, bosth.

So what you think, chief?

I don't know.

He seems a little
long in the tooth.

Whee, whee! Oh... aah, aah!

Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was about
a genetic disorder

that admittedly I suffer from.

Of course, I'm
talking about I.P.S.

Inverted penis syndrome,

also known as circle
and a dot disease.

Other sufferers include
Billie Jean king,

Ellen Degeneres,
and Howard stern.

Excuse me.

What time is it?

Oh, it's just about noon.

Thanks, lady.

I'm not a lady, son.

I'm an I.P.S. Sufferer.

So until next time, this
is Notch Johnson saying,

"ride the little ones."