Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 1, Episode 9 - South of Her Border - full transcript

The nation of Humidor,

cigar storage capital
of the world,

pretty beaches,
and pretty se?oritas,

but behind this
lies evil!

Aah! Stop! Stop!

Stop hitting my brother!

I can't take it anymore!

Your brother's
so-called "yurnalism"

stands in the way
of my military takeover.

He must die!

Please, let him live.

Will you obey my orders?

Yes! Yes, anything you want.

Go to my bed...

and wait.

You are now my whore.

Kill him anyway.

No! No, no, no, please!

General Partagas,

Sargento Cohiba,

my friends,

our country slips away.

There are lootings,

Even "yurnalists"
are disappearing!

El Presidente, our men
are doing everything

to catch these fascists!


Si, se?or.

The problem only
grows worse!

We need help!

And there is only
one hombre for this yob--

The man they call
El Notcho!

Ah, yeah.
Oh, yeah!

That's it. That's it!

Can you feel it?

- Can you feel it?
- Yeah.

It's gonna pop!

It's gonna pop.
Yeah, come on.

Come on.
Work it out.

Oh, yeah! Yeah!
That's it. That's it.

Nice work.
Nice work.

Now, gang, that's called
the Heimlich maneuver.

Now, who wants
to try it on me?

I'd love to give
it to you, Notch!

Okay, Chip, if you're
up for it, take a crack.

Yeah, that's it.
That's it, yeah.

Good work.
Good work. Yeah.

Yea-- ow!

What was that?

Tonight's episode...

No writers
were used for this episode
of Son of the Beach.

Oh, it's harder
than I thought.


you pervert!

hide your eyes!

Mayor, I was just
demonstrating the--

you make me sick.

Not only as a woman,

but as the
Family Values Mayor.

The Family Values

That's right.
I'm being profiled by

Perfect Family

for my tireless promotion
of family values.

Excuse me.

This woman is
a real mother.

A mother, who, yes, would've
preferred a daughter,

but a mother

Thank you, Kody.

Besides, this article
will ensure mother

of victory in her
next erection.

I mean election.

Now, what says
family values more

than a junior
lifeguard program?

But, Mayor Massengil, we already have
a junior lifeguard program.

Not the Mayor Anita Massengil
junior lifeguard program.

I'm appointing Chip
as the instructor.

But, Frau Mayor--

Then it's settled.

Chip, you
come with me.

The rest of you,
I don't care what you do.

Mother, can Chip have dinner
at our house tonight?

I think I'm going to get something
lodged in my throat.

We fight this war
for a land called Humidor!

If you ask us why,
it's Humidor or die!

Well, I'll be
a chili relleno!


Ha ha!

Ha ha!

Ha ha.

Gang, say ?Que pasa?
to the president of Humidor--

Seymour Winces.

Ooh, a president!

Notcho and I
are like brothers!

We fought side by side
in my country's revolution.

I'd just gotten out
of the old navy,

and there was
a gap in my life.

So I filled it by fighting
for a banana republic.

Damn, Notch, I learn
more about you every week!

We gave democracy
to Humidor

by overturning
a military yenta.

Oh, Notch,
don't you mean junta?

Junta? No. That's
a woman who likes to whine.

Ayenta is
a military dictatorship.

So what brings you
to Malibu Adjacent, Se?or Winces?

- Call me Sy.
- Sy?


Say, Sy, how's
your sister?

- Sue?
- Si.


Notcho, everything
that we fought for in Humidor

is about to vamoose!


Yes! There's murders,
kidnappings every day!

Mi pais,
our country needs you!

I have only one question.


The plane awaits us.

You're going off to lead

some South-Central American

Yeah, Notch, why are you
so revolting?

I can't help it.
It's just the way I am.

Notch, if it's that

we should go with you.

It's not your war!

It's mine.

?Viva la biblioteca!

?Andale! Ooh!



Guys, I am worried
about Notch.

I think we should
go down there.

I don't know.

If we go down there,
things could get hairy.

How many times
has Notch helped us out?

I think it's time
we paid him back.

Oh, look!
Only one mile to go.

Too bad we have
to fight some war.

Humidor has, like,
the best spas.

Ooh, yeah!

Imagine if we were
at a spa right now.

Hide me!
It's the man!

It'll be fine.

Just let me handle it.

Ladies, what brings you
to El Humidor?

We, uh, we're here
for the spas.

Kimberlee, we don't
have time for spas.

We're here to help
Notch Johnson.


I give you
El Notcho!



very much.

I'm overwhelmed by the thongs
of people here today.

You know, my friends,

over the years,
I've spent many nights

in many motels,

so as a token of my thanks,

I bring you...



and shower caps!

So, let me tell you
the secret formula

for my junior
lifeguard program.

It's one part water
and one part Massengil.

But why wouldn't
this program be run

by the world's greatest
lifeguard-- Notch Johnson?

Are you in competition
with him?

No. I'd love
to have Notch.

And just as soon as he
gets out of rehab,

he'll be here.

But look who
we have instead--

Mr. Chip Rommel.

Well, go ahead,
Chip, start.

Start what?


You're in charge.

In charge?

Oh, God, it's
hot in here.

Tell me.

I'm soaking wet

right through my sheerest
of lace panties.

And all they
give us to eat

are beans, beans,
and mo' beans.

I get better service
at Denny's.

Heh heh heh!

Ladies, time
for your cavity search.

But my teeth
are perfect.

I don't have
any cavities.

Oh, yes, you do.

- Aah!
- Aah!

El Notcho,
our time is limited.

If order isn't
restored soon,

my government
will topple.

Then I'd like to get
started right now.

But we have much planned
in your honor--

a parade,
a military inspection,

a public cockfight.

A cockfight?

I haven't done that
since boy scout camp.

No. Here the men fight
with their roosters.

Call it what
you will, General,

I won't do it
in public.

Ah! Lunch.

have some beans.

"Gra-see-us. "


These are the bestest
beans I've ever had.

Yes. Unique to Humidor,

and the most potent beans
in all the world.

Now, gentlemen, please,
back to business, eh?

You are right,
El Presidente.

As I said before,

I will do everything
in my power

to ensure law and order
here in Humidor.

Boy, these beans
are potent.

I can see why,
after every meal,

you people take
a big "shi-esta."

Mind if I sit
on the couch?

Not at all.

It is made of fine
Corinthian leather.

Not to worry.
The leather is new.

Anyway, I have
a plan, and I--
darn leather again.

The chair is made
of cotton.

Oh. Well, then
forgive me.

I can fix that.

that's a lighter!

After eating
those potent beans,

the combination of your gas
and this flame

can blow up the palace.

I'm sorry.

I had no idea.

as I was saying,

what I want to do
is go out,

go out among
the people

and investigate
these murders

and disappearances.

An excellent idea, amigo.

So, Sy, let's say
we get started.



Notch Johnson must not know
about the military coup.

Go and distract him,
my little whore,

if you want to see
your brother again.

It's only been
a few hours...

but I've already heard

what an incredible job
Chip is doing.

Hup! Zwei!
Drei! Vier!

Hup! Zwei!
Drei! Vier!

Higher! Chest out!

Hup! Zwei!
Drei! Vier!

Hup! Zwei!
Drei! Vier!

Hup! Zwei!
Drei! Vier!

Mayor? Isn't this supposed
to be fun for the boys?

Oh, children
love discipline.

And I think Chip
is a breath of fresh Aryan--

Air! Air.

Heh heh.

Is it in yet?

I can't get my hand
through this hole.


- Ohh!
- Uhh! Oh, my God!

Trying to escape, huh?

We'll fix that.

- ?El Notcho!
- ?O, El Notcho!

?El Notcho!

?El Notcho!

?El Notcho!

?O, El Notcho!

Buenas retardes.

Tell me, have you
seen any homicides?

I'm sorry.
Forgive me.


seen any...

ho... micides?

- Aah!
- Aah!

You are Notch Johnson,

the famous lifeguard

Why, si,
I am. And you are?

I am Labia,

and I have some
information for you.

But we cannot talk here.

Meet me tonight.

Buenas noches,
Se?or Notch Johnson.

Why, hello.

So, Labia, 'splain.

Don't you wanna
touch me?

I thought you had
some information.

I need you to make love
to me badly.

Can you?

Yes, I can make love
to you badly,

but we just met.

I would never
take advantage

of your lovely

or your precious

You must make love to me!

Or something terrible
will happen.

I'm sorry.

I'm not that easy.


Did you give him
your "vayaina"?

Yes, I did!

I gave him my "vayaina"!

You expect me
to believe you?

She's telling the truth.

Now get your hands
off my Labia.

El Notcho.

Okay, bitch. If you
did make love,

describe his pi?ata.

His pi?ata is huge,
like a donkey.

Es grande.

It's even bigger
than grande.

It's venti!


Let's take a peek.

?Donde esta?

I don't see anything.


Where is your Johnson?

Throw him in jail!

Yo, we're locked up for real.

Ain't no one springin'
our sorry asses.

'Maica, even I can't
swallow that.

Our only hope is
that Notch finds out about us

and comes
to our rescue.

- Whoa!
- Ugh!

Kimberlee, it's like
you've got ESPN!

What are you guys
doing here?

We came down
to help you, Notch.

But it's so dangerous.

And if you're here...

who's minding the store?

Folks. I have had
to make some changes.

So I want you to welcome
your new instructor--

a real man's man--
Kody Massengil!


I can't believe this.


And what do we have
for you this evening?



Ha ha ha!

Enjoy your last supper.

Left knee up, kick.
Right knee up, kick.

Mayor, these parents
are-- excuse my French--


You promised that these boys
would learn lifesaving,

but they're prancing
around like that Ricky Martin!

Where is
Notch Johnson?

Look, I know the program
didn't get off to a good start,

but not to worry.

I will now personally
take over.

People of Humidor!

I have good news!

I am taking over
the country!

No! We voted for Winces!

We want Winces!

We want Winces!

We want Winces!
We want Winces!

We want Winces!

Okay, boys,

if you behave

and tell your parents
you had a good time,

I'll buy you all some beer.

These chains are too tight.

I'll never
pick your locks.

Wait. Notch, I just
got an idea.

Here is President Winces!

Tell them that
I'm the new leader

or I'll kill you
right now.

Ahh! There,Jamaica!

You're free at last.

Now we've gotta
bust out!

With a spoon
and some beans?

The beans.

Winces, you have
one more chance, eh?

Go ahead.
Pull the trigger.

I'd rather die than to turn
my country over to you.

You're the man, Chief.
Rip one out!

You're leaving me no choice, eh?
Heh heh.

Nothing's happening.

Quick, Notch,
pull my finger.

I'll count to 4.

Uno, dos...

1 , 2, 3, cuatro.


Now let's go
save a country.

What are you doing
out of "yail"?

Thanks to your
last supper,

you might say
we blasted out.

The beans!

Now let's rumble, amigos!




Humidor, I give you back
your president!

Ha ha!



Johnson, help me.

Look what these
little brats did!

We wanted to be

She tried to bribe us
with beer.

Tell you what, kids.

Come back tomorrow

and you'll all learn
some real lifesaving.

I'll be one
of your teachers.

And I will, too.

You'll go home with some
really great memories.

Does that sound
good, boys?

Now let's get
outta here!

- Yeah! Whoo!
- Whoo!

Hey, you guys!

You guys!

You guys,
come here!

You guys!

Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show is
all about cavity searches,

and I'd like to talk to you
about a cavity search

that you can do at home.

It's the Notch Johnson
self-prostate examination.

And it's especially important

for you women out there.

Here's what you do.

Take a surgical glove like this.

You can usually find them

underneath your kitchen sink.

Now, apply to one
of the fingers

either petroleum jelly,
grape jelly,

or my favorite, spit.

Watch as I examinate myself.

Ahh. There we go.

Uh-oh. I... seem
to have tensed up.

get my finger back.

Anyway, the important thing
is that, uh--

t-to do this exam.

So until next time,
this is Notch Johnson saying,

ride the big one.