Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 1, Episode 10 - Day of the Jackass - full transcript

Wow! The most historic event

ever to take place
in Malibu Adjacent,

and here we are
in charge of security.

Why are we guarding

all these foreign refugees

with the funny accents?

Oh, they're not refugees.

They're diplomats
from China and Africa

trying to settle
an ancient feud.

Oh! That's why
these are called

the Chi-Negro Accords.

Wow! Look at all
the dignitaries.

There's ex-President Clinton!

Ohh! Hi, Bill!
It's me... B.J. the intern!

And there's the mayor hobnobbing.

Welcome to Malibu Adjacent,
Premier Ho.

This my wife Yu.

Hello, Yu Ho.

So, Notch, why are we
in charge of security?

I mean, they already have
the FBI, the CIA,

the army, the navy,

and every L.A. cop
who hasn't been indicted yet.

Because they don't know
this beach like I do.

There isn't
a grain of sand here

I haven't at least once

picked out of my heinie hole.

Plus, we've got
Steve the dog.

Steve can detect explosives.

Steve? Steve won't even sit
when you tell him to.

Nuh-uh, Kimberlee!

If Steve barks wildly,

it means either
he's smelled a bomb

or about to drop
one of his own.

And if it's a real bomb,

Steve will start
with the humping.

What is it, my little Hund?

Is it a bomb?!

Go get the bomb, Steve!
Go get the bomb!

Bomb, bomb, bomb!


Everybody run! Bomb!

Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb!

Run for your lives!
But try to stay calm!

Bomb, bomb!

No, Steve!

I said B-O-M-B,

not B-O-N-G.

Don't argue with me, Steve.

Johnson, you beaver-toothed bozo.

This belongs to Yu Ho.

She has a cataract!

Don't make fun of the way

she pronounces Cadillac!

No, you idiot,
she is legally blind!

She needs this
righteous Mary Jane

for medicinal purposes.

Now, don't come
within a mile of this beach

until the summit is over.

You are relieved
of all duties!

That really stinks!

No, Steve!

Tonight's episode...

Son of the Beach
is a member of FDIC.

Welcome, King Vidor.

And may I say...

Mayor, I also speak English.

Oh, terrific!

It's so nice of you

to travel all the way
from Begonia.

Thanks. This is
my son the prince.

Prince, I hope you see
all the sights

while your dad's at the summit.

You see, Father?

Even she says
I should see everything

while I'm here in America.

Quiet! Speak in click!

Give me all your 8s.

Go fish!

Read 'em and weep!

Old maid!

Ohh. Can you believe
we're going to be

out of work for 3 days?

I've never gotten laid off.

It really does hurt
the first time.

I know how you feel, B.J.

I need something
to drown the pain.

Where's Jamaica
with those smoothies?

What's the matter,Johnson?

Don't you want a real drink?


I don't drink, sir!

Captain? Is that you?!

At ease, Corporal.

Ah! I thought you died
in Southeast Asia?

Gang, say ''ten hut''
to the best captain ever...

Buck Entenille!

Oh, it's nice to meet you,

Captain Entenille.

Notch talks about you a lot,

especially during
his Vietnam flashbacks.


We use flashback cards

in my adult literacy class.

I'll bet.

So, Vietnam was tough,
huh, guys?

Tough? Wow. Remember that pickle
we had on Hamburger Hill?

You were my helper.

Perfect hair, green eyes,

the most amazing body
to grace the planet.

Who are you rappin' to, homeboy?

Oh, I am--
I am not home.

I am-- I am far away.

Yeah, well, go on
with your bad self.

Oh, I am not bad!
I am--I am good.

I am a prince,

formerly known as an artist.

Well, where you from, boo?

From Africa.

The Africa? Ohh!

Shoot, dawg!
I'm African-American.

How about crazy old
Colonel Kurtz?

Oh, the white makeup?

He was worth
a trip up the river!

So, what brings you
to Malibu Adjacent?

Oh, insurance business.

Had a meeting.

Where you from?

Oh, a small town
in Pennsylvania.

Oh, I'm from Pennsylvania!
What town?

Uh, Doylestown.

I'm from Doylestown!
What part?

Near the school.

Hey, Notch, uh, listen.

There are no hotel rooms

Could I possibly, uh--

Don't even say it.
Tonight, you sleep

on The Salty Johnson.

Captain, my mom needs
life insurance.

Should she get
term or whole?

Why not both?

I'll get my bags.

Notch, how well
do you know this guy?

Are you kidding me?

If it wasn't
for Buck Entenille,

we would've lost
that war in Vietnam.

And if you really
want to feel bad,

lose a war.

I just wonder about someone

who says they're
from Doylestown

and then doesn't
want to talk about it.

And he didn't help me
with my term or my whole.

Guys, trust me.

One thing about
Buck Entenille,

he's a straight shooter.

distinguished guests,

and ex-President
Clinton, welcome.

Having the signing of
the Chi-Negro Accords

here in Malibu Adjacent

is the fulfillment
of a dream for me.

As smaller African nations
like Begonia

develop nuclear weapons,

the need for peace
is even more crucial.

So today,
for this wonderful luncheon,

we've combined the cuisines
of China and Africa.

Now let's all enjoy

some Kung Pao chicken
and waffles.

Dig in!

Hey, here he comes.

Now, gals, listen.

If Buck hits on you,
don't get offended.

He's a real ladies' man.

When am I going to get a tour

of this seaside shanty?

No can do.
The summit's in town.

There's a summit in town?

Well, you didn't know?

China and Africa
are here for their treaty.

My favorite treaty's
frozen yogurt.

And you're here, Notch?

Come on, why the hell
aren't they taking advantage

of the best security chief
in the business?

Well, the mayor and Notch

don't exactly see eye to--


Come on, Buck.
Let's go down below and stow your gear.

Say, Chip?

It's, uh, great to meet you.

Nice to meet you,
too, Captain.

And, uh, you, uh,
work out a lot, don't you?

Yeah. I love to pump.

Oh. But you're not--
you're not gay or anything?

Huh? No.

Good. Neither am I.

There's something
I don't like about this ''captain.''

Yeah. Notch said
he was a big ladies' man,

but he hasn't hit on me once.

Well, he hit on me.

I think he's a--
What's the word in German?

A hosengrabber,

a fudgenpacker.

I say we do some digging

on this Captain Buck Entenille.

So then, what do I say
to this fly hottie?

Oh, you throw some game down!

Kinda like...

''Yo, baby!
You got more junk in the trunk

than a lowered Chevy!''

Then I say to you,

''Yo, baby!
You got more junk in the trunk

than a lowered Chevy.''

And I mean that
from the bottom of my heart.

Teach me something
in your language.

Very well.

You might say to me...

Go ahead, you try it.


Use your tongue more.

Like this...

Yo, Prince.

I think you and I are really

starting to click.

Lucky for us,
I'm an expert in computers.

But normally I use Macintosh.

Do you know I BM?

Really? Me, too!

Especially after oatmeal.

let's try doing a search

on Buck Entenille
in the insurance industry.

Nope. Nothing.

B.J., you might want to flip

- the power switch on.
- Power switch?

OK, uh, B.J., do you mind

if I give it a shot?

Go ahead.

It's harder than it looks.

I mean, I have tried

everything from
the Doylestown phone book

to Who's Who in Broadway Theater.

What about the military?

Well, Notch does have access

to the government's
top-secret computer system,

but we can't get in
without his password.

Try '' Notch.''

OK, do you really think

Notch would use his own name

to get into the world's
most secure computer?



- Oh! Oh, my God, we're in!
- Ooh!

It's the National Defense System!

Oh, hey, it's
a government bulletin.

Buck Entenille is
a deranged Vietnam vet

who now works
as a paid assassin

for terrorist organizations.

He's been spotted at gun shows,

military surplus stores...

and various men's rooms
on the New Jersey Turnpike.

My God, do you know
what this means?

He eats a lot of oatmeal?

No, B.J., it means that
Captain Entenille's

probably out to get
someone at the summit.

You see, anyone
with half a brain

could disguise himself as, say,

you know, a waiter,

and avoid the metal detectors

by stowing a weapon,
let's say a--


One minute, Kimberlee.

Let's say a rifle, right?

Inside a covered food tray.

No one would ever suspect--

Notch, uh, could--
could we speak to you up--up top?

It's a personal problem.

Has nothing to do

with computers or Vietnam--


Uh, yeah, sure.
Uh, you mind, Captain?

No problemo.

I have to go drain
the dragon, anyway.

What is it?

Chief, it's about
this captain guy.

We don't think
he is who he says

he's supposed
to be who he isn't.

Notch, he is a paid assassin.

That's very perceptive
of you, Kimberlee.

Could have used you in Da Nang.

Esteemed guests,
I give you So Ho.


Here we are,
China and Africa,

sitting side by side.

That remind me of a joke.

One Chinese guy
and a black dude

sitting at a bar.

The Chinese guy say,

'' My favorite violinist

is Yo-Yo Ma.''

And the black dude say,

''Yo mama!''

Hey, you two, this ain't
Jerry Springer!


Buck, you never acted
crazy like this back in 'Nam,

not even the night you were bowling
with real human skulls.

They paid me
to kill in 'Nam.

And now they're telling me again.
Can you hear them?

'' Kill King Vidor!
Kill King Vidor!''

Who's paying you
to kill King Vidor?

If I told you that,
I'd have to kill you.

Oh, I am killing you.

Oh, my God, Notch!

He's got an alarm clock!

Oh, that's no alarm clock.
It's a bomb!

Don't go to pieces on me,

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Prince, calm down!

I can't understand
a word you click.

My ebony goddess,
I have a gift for you.


Damn! Is that a ruby?

From my homeland of Begonia.

It is the famed
Ruby of Begonia.

Marry me,Jamaica.

'' Marry me,Jamaica''?

I've always wanted
to hear those words.

But wait.
Is Begonia one of those countries

where a guy gets to have
a lot of wives?

Oh, no.
That place is called Utah.

Whew! I was afraid
it was one of those places

with 7 brides for one brother.


What would that be like?

Uh, Prince?

Ooh, I'd like to get my hands

on that one-eyed snake!

That captain is
a son of a bitch!

Hey, you watch the locker room
language, young man!

Wait a second.
I know a son of a bitch

who might be able to help us.

Come here, Steve!

Steve, go!
Get the bomb!


No, Steve!
Not ''the blonde,''

the bomb!

Oh! He actually did what he was told.

Ha ha ha!

Ugh! Look at me!

I'm a weakling.

Yeah, well, lucky for us
I've been doing

the new Rosie O'Donnell
Total Workout.



Now let's go stop
an ''assasinination''!

And in conclusion,

we will sign this treaty.

But the problem with signing
a treaty with China

is that a half hour later,

you want to sign it
all over again.

Thank you, King Vidor.

And now, before the signing,

I'd like to pat
myself on the back.

Where the click have you been?!

Oh, Father,

I have seen wonderful sights,

and the most wonderful
sight of all

is this beautiful woman...
Jamaica St. Croix.

You have shown her
the family jewels?

Yes, Father.
She is to be my princess.

Isn't she a fly-ass hottie?

You speak nonsense!

This woman is beneath you.

When I get home,
what will I tell

your mother Queen Latifah?

I forbid this marriage!

Come on, guys! We're almost there!

Guys, guys, guys!

Notch Johnson, S.P.F. 30!

Sorry, Notch.

It's an emergency!
Someone may die.


There's a maniac inside

who's going to assassinate
King Vidor.

Say what?!

- You gotta stop him.
- Don't worry.

I'm on it!

I ask you now

to sign this historic document.

I hereby hand this quill

to King Vidor of Begonia.

- Look out!
- What the--



Jamaica, are you OK?

Yeah, it's just a flesh wound.

Get this woman
some Bactine! Stat!

Jamaica, can you forgive
an old fool

for being so blind?


I was wrong about you.

You truly are a princess.

I would be honored

to have you as my son's wife.

What do you say to that,
my love?

Get me...a freaking...

My arm hurts like a mo-fo!


Gang, you take care
of Jamaica.

I have to have a word
with the captain.

Ooh, Notch! Ow!


Attempted murder
is a crime in California.

You'll do months for this.

Prison. Ha!

Lots of men lifting weights,

showering together...

You're not gay, are you, Notch?


Good. Neither am I.

Good-bye, Captain.

Prince, I've been doing
some thinking, and...

I'm down with being a princess,

but my crib is here
with S.P.F. 30.

I'm disappointed.

But not surprised.


Would you let me keep
the Ruby of Begonia?

To remind me of you.

Jamaica, you are dope.

Oh, thank you.

I will always treasure it.

Uh, no, I mean you a dope

to think I would let you
keep that ring.

Oh, hi, teens!
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was about
gays in the military.

You know, if you look deep

into the annals
of military history,

and especially the Civil War,

you'll come across
the Battle of Glory Hole

and the story of gay soldier

Private Richard M. Head.

When Dick Head
shot off his big gun,

he was able to warn
Union soldiers

about an invasion to their rear.

Nobody asked
if he was gay or queer

or why he wore
that sequin beret.

No. Because Dick Head

was a solider,

and that's all that matters.

Until next time,

this is Notch Johnson saying:

Ride the big one!