Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 1, Episode 8 - Miso Honei - full transcript

Hear me, Lucifer,
Lord of Darkness.

Grant me, Adolf Manson,
the power of your son Satan...

to kill the scum
that put me behind bars...

Notch Johnson.

Mail call.

Chip, you've got
a magazine from Germany.

My new issue of Goys' Life.

this came for you.

I wish I had something
in my box.

Ah, not so fast, B.J.

Looks like another letter
from your secret admirer.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.


Here's a letter says that
Chip and B.J. need to re-certify.


Not Jamaica?

How come
she got out of it?

Heh heh heh!
You got to love affirmative action.

Morning, gang.

- Hey, Notch.
- Hey.

Any mail for me?

Uh,just this
junk letter.

Oh, that's no junk letter,

That's my special
weather report.

Remember, gang, the best
weather reports come by bulk mail.

Oh, no.

What is it, Notch?

This forecast.

Partly cloudy with
a chance of tsunami.

It gets worse.

Malibu Adjacent
will be hit with a tidal wave...

1 0 times the size
of any tsunami...

the one the Japanese call...

Miso Honei.

Miso Honei?

Miso Honei.

Miso Honei.

Tonight's episode...

Son of the Beach has been known...

to cause laughter
in laboratory mice.

Are you guys really gonna close
the beach on account of that wave?

I'm afraid so, kids.

let me handle this.

I'm afraid so, kids.


See, if you were
to surf Miso Honei...

your neck would be snapped
like a breadstick.


Your eyeballs would be
sucked out of their sockets.


And finally,
a shark would come along...

and eat your
little winkies.


Notch Johnson
and Kimberlee Clark...

my 2 favorite people.

What can I do
for you, Mayor?

Notch, 3 words:
Surf Miso Honei.

I will not surf
that wave.

Now, you listen to me,

A wave like this comes around
once in a lifetime.

On its own, it's just a blip
on the Weather Channel...

but with you riding it,
it's a--

It's a media frenzy.

One way or another,
you're gonna surf that wave.

Oh, it's nothing
to be ashamed of, Notch.

Who would ride
that wave?

I knew someone
who rode that wave.

Really? Who?

Question number 3 for
our re-certification test.

What's the best way
to pick up a floater?

I know.
Scoop up the floater.

What beautiful flowers.

Looks like they're from
your secret admirer again.

This guy must
really care for you.

I wonder who he is.

But, Chip, we should really
get back to studying.

Don't even think
about studying here.

Because of Notch
and that big wave...

this phone's been ringing
like a beeper on a pimp.

See what I mean?

Chip, where else
can we bone up?

My place is smaller
than a machine-gun nest.

How about yours?

OK, but my only furniture
is a waterbed and ceiling mirror.




How many times
do a sister have to say no?

It's like... talkin'
to my stepdad.

I need a favor.

I realize we were lovers once,
and lately I've avoided seeing you...

but you know the beach
much better than I do.

Fine, Anita.

But in return
for my services...

I get your panties.

I'm not wearing
any panties.

Show me where they'd be
if you were.

I'm wearing panties.

Notch's father died
trying to surf that wave.

"Big Red Johnson."

And nobody loved him
any more than his own son...


I'm out of luck.

Notch is the only one
who can surf that wave.

There is one other guy.

Who is he?

I'd like my payment now.


His name is
Adolf Manson.

Notch put him behind bars
for the rest of his life.

Chappy, you've just given me
a scathingly brilliant idea.


Wow, B.J.,
I can't believe it.

I'm finally entering
your nook.

I hope you like it.
It's all pink inside.

Your secret admirer is generous.

"Roses are red,
violets are blue...

when I think of B.J., I think of..."

I didn't know
what that last part meant.

It sounded
kinda foreign.

It's German.

Ah, here's another one.

"B.J., your eyes are bluer
than the Danube in spring.

Your skin is as white
as the teeth...

on a snarling
Doberman puppy."

I am the secret admirer.

So at least 1 2 hours before
Miso Honei, we'll need to evacuate.

The wave's
that destructive?

Kimberlee, this thing
is an earthquake, cyclone...

and rap concert
all in one.

So, Johnson...

change your mind
about surfing that wave?

Nobody's riding
that wave.

Wrong, sweetie.

You see,
I've found someone.

Johnson, say hello
to an old friend of yours.

Adolf Manson.


This one's
from my prison gang.


And this one says
I worship Satan.


And this one means
I'm a member...

of the National
Rifle Association.



You're disgusting.

How does someone like this
get out of prison?

This mayor slut
granted me a furlough.

Ohh! Oh. Ahh.

And all I gotta do
is climb that Jap wave...

and hang 1 0.

That's right.
And if he survives...

he'll be a free man.

Praise Satan!

You're gonna ride that wave,
Mr. Manson?

You're so cool.

No, he's not cool.
Tommy, can you hear me?

He's a waste of flesh...

who could have used
his surfing powers for good.

Well, if Mr. Manson's
gonna ride the wave...

how come you're not
gonna ride it, Notch?

Because I, uh...

Because he's a chicken.
Bawk bawk bu-gawk.

Bawk! Bawk! Bawk!
Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! Bawk!

Come on, dudes,
let's go listen to Metallica...

and make fun of
handicapped people.



Notch Johnson,
your archenemy...

just ran off
with your kids.

What are you
gonna do now?

All I can think about
is you.

So you're the one that's been
sending me German chocolates...

German flowers,
and genuine BMW motor parts?

I think I'm in love with you.

But, Chip,
we're friends.

We work together.

You know the rules.

I know, Notch says
don't eat where you swim...

but I have
this fantasy.

It's you and me on
our wedding night.

Wow. What would
that be like?

What's wrong, Notch?
I've never seen you act like this.

You know me too well,

It's like you put your whole fist
inside me and pulled something out.

I didn't think
I knew you that well.

Kimberlee, this isn't
the first time...

Miso Honei has come
to Malibu Adjacent.

So travel back with me,
would you?

Back to the year...
the 1 960s.

I was standing on these very rocks...

my rocks...

watching my dad.

He was a giant
among men...

but a giant
I never knew.

There wasn't a wave
he couldn't conquer...

until Miso Honei.

But his wave...
and that big wave...

is the last
I remember of him.

Oh, Notch, I'm sorry.
I had no idea.

And that fateful image is
what I still carry today.

Uh, Notch,
do you wear--


My heart
on my sleeve?

I'm afraid I do.

Lord have mercy.

Uh, uh,
uh-uh, uh-uh, no!

Do not tell me
I am peeping this.

Look, you two want to have
a secret love Jones, fine.

Don't be askin' a sister
to break the rules...

or you will be talkin' to
the hand.

- Awesome.
- Wow.



Dad, what am I gonna do?

How can I teach these kids
to follow the right path?

Is that you?

It that my Big Red Johnson?

Yes, it is, son.
Now, what's the problem?

Aw, Dad,
Miso Honei is back...

and I'm afraid
to surf it.

Son, never let yourself
be afraid.

I can't help it, Dad.
I miss you.

I miss the feel of your
reassuring arm around my shoulder...

your strong hands
stroking my little head...

my tender cheek poised against
your firm and hairy bosom.

Son, is there something else
you'd like to tell me?

No, Dad.
Just tell me how to do it.

Tell me how to ride
Miso Honei.

Notchabald, I was never there
for you as a child.

But this time,
if you ride Miso Honei...

I will be there for you
all the way.

Thanks, Dad.
I'm gonna ride that wave...

and I'm gonna
save my kids. Yeah.

Whee! Whee!

Son, are you sure there isn't
something else you'd like to tell me?

Whee! Whee! Whee!

From the crowded bluffs
of Malibu Adjacent...

this is your
sports announcer...

waiting out of harm's way
for the killer wave Miso Honei.

And when that wave
finally arrives...

it'll be Notch Johnson
versus Adolf Manson...

in the greatest surfing
death match of all time...

You two ain't in uniform?
What's up?

We're quitting
the force.

Here's our official
letter of resigning.

This is whack.

You really down with this?

We want
a relationship.

Who knows?
Maybe someday get married.

And then I'll let Chip
invade my fluffy love canal.

Does Notch know about this?

Our supreme commander has
enough to think about right now.

You file the letter...

and then we'll tell him
after the wave.

Folks, our blimp has just picked up
the first images of Miso Honei.

Oh, my God!
That set is huge.

Notch, are you in here?

Kimberlee, look.
My dad's lucky trunks.

He wore these the day
he drowned. Ha ha.


Uh, Notch, you think
your dad was...

real scared
at the end?

Probably so.
He never wiped out.

I can--I can see that.

Let's sit here,

This'll be a good view
of the wave.

Let me clean it off for you,
my little Volkswagen.

It's so dusty...
like your trailer.

There's no dust
in my trailer.

OK, OK, there's no dust.

You think my place
is a pigsty.

No. I'll do some cleaning
when I move in.

Then we can repaint.


You can't tell me
to repaint my trailer.

Of course I can.

I'm the man.

Look, whatever, Chip.

Just forget it.

You're not gonna tell me what to do,
mister. I don't think so!

Nein! Nein!

Manson! Manson!

Folks, Adolf Manson
is in the house.

I understand you're just out of jail
to surf Miso Honei.


Yeah, I want all
my little Mansons out there...

to do somethin'
real bad.

I want 'em
to break a window...

trip someone,
torture a neighbor's pet!


Ladies and gentlemen, Notch Johnson
has just entered the ring.

Notch, your thoughts before
you ride the wave of death.

Kids,just remember,
I'm doing this for you.

Tommy, can you see me?

Uh, Notch, I want
to tell you something.

Um, what I want to say
is, uh...

how much you mean to me,
and I want to give you something.

Uh, how about
a stick of gum?

Oh, gum,
what a refreshing treat.

surf's up.

Come on, Manson.
Let's get it on!

Well, there they go.

It's good versus evil,
and so far, it's a tie.

They seem to be handling
the big lady without a hitch.

Notch Johnson is struggling.

Oh, no.
My fin must be loose.

How'd that happen?

I unscrewed it.
Now you're gonna die.



The gum, Notch.
Use the gum.

Huh? The gum?

The gum.

Thanks, Dad.


Notch Johnson has just
fixed his board...

with a piece of gum.

You're supposed to die,
you son of a bitch!

Hey! Back off, bro.
Concentrate on the wave.

Quick, take my hand!
I'll save you.



There goes Adolf Manson.

There's no way
we'll ever see him again.


Only 2 miles to go.
I can make it...

but I'm Notch Johnson,
and I gotta save a life.

I don't believe it!

Notch Johnson is actually
trying to save Adolf Manson.

get Chip and B.J.

Notch needs our help.

Speak English.

I told you,
I don't know what you're saying.

Hey, you two.
Knock off the lovers quarrel.

We've got
lifesaving to do.

We're not lovers

Plus we quit the force.

I never filed the letter.

There goes Notch's unit
to save the drowning surfers.

- Where is he?
- I don't see them.

- Notch!
- Notch!

There's Manson.
Go get him.

Notch! Notch!


they found Adolf Manson
and are bringing him in.


But time runs out...

for Notch Johnson.

Notch is gonna die?

That's not
what we wanted.

He's unconscious.

Don't worry.
I'm on it.

- Go!
- Clear!

Take his pulse.

- OK.
- Unh!

- Come on, go, go, go!
- Clear!

- Wait... Yeah, that's it!
- All right!

Very good, yes!

- That's it!
- We did it!

I couldn't find him.
He's gone.


It's all my fault.

Please, Notch.
Please come back.

Folks, only a miracle can
bring back Notch Johnson...

the man who dived
for our sins.



It's a miracle.

Adolf, the S.P.F. 30 gang
saved your life today.

Yeah. I want to say
I should have listened to Notch.

So I'm giving up
worshipping Satan...

and I'm going back to prison
to do my time.

Besides that,
I kinda miss my bitch.

Notch Johnson,
you did it.

Not only did you
conquer Miso Honei...

but you saved a life
in the process.

Sports Announcer...

but of course, I owe it all
to my dad Big Red Johnson.

And...a piece of gum.


B.J., now that
we are back on the force...

can we just be

No, Chip, we should
just be friends.

Notch, were you
scared out there?

Me, scared?
Ha ha ha.

Not a bit.

Hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Obviously tonight's show
was about incontinence.

Now, most people think
it's the elderly...

who can't control

Well, it's not.

You see, even
a youngster like myself...

can suffer from what
doctors call...

lack of B.M. control.

So that's why
I developed...

Notch Johnson's
Big Boy Snuggies.


and you know something?
The ladies like them, too.

Hi, Notch.
I like your adult diaper.

Thanks, ma'am.

So until next time,
this is Notch Johnson...

ride the big one.