Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 7 - Flurf - full transcript
When Jarvis branches out into the mattress business, he accidentally lands Knickknack in a war with local business rival, Mel's Mattress Kingdom.
♪ Here we go ♪
All right, Bowie,
catch!
But I don't know
how to catch anything!
A ball, a fish...
A break.
It's easy!
Just cradle it
like you're holding a baby.
Like our baby?
Like if you and I
got married one day
and had a baby?
Or like a random baby
someone threw at me?
Okay, Bowie, ready?
I guess... just don't hit me
in the stomach this time.
[grunts]
Thank you...
Maybe we should come up
with something soft
to make footballs
out of
so they're safer
for little kids.
[groaning]
And Bowie.
[Piper]: The only thing
I can think of
that's soft enough for Bowie
is a football made of air.
[whooshing]
[crash]
Bowie, are you all right?
Yeah...
just a little...
winded.
But otherwise,
whatever I landed on
broke my fall.
What is this?
I know exactly
what this is!
The super-soft material
we've been looking for!
[♪♪♪]
♪ Buckle up ♪
♪ And hold on tight ♪
♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪
♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪
♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪
♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪
♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪
♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ You got me ♪
♪ I got you ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
So, we took the material
we found in Mrs. Bubkes's shed,
stripped the clothes,
drained the sweat,
and removed that disgusting,
vaguely Candace-like smell.
What was left was a durable,
yet amazingly soft material
we are calling "Flurf."
Obviously, we can
make Flurf footballs,
Flurf frisbees,
and Flurf boards.
But what else?
I want to hear your ideas.
[snoring]
Guys! Guys!
Wow. I feel really good.
Me too!
Great meeting!
It's not over yet!
We still need to...
[snoring]
Wake up!
[Mmm-boing bounces]
Sorry.
This Flurf is so comfy,
I guess I just dozed off.
I just had
the most wonderful dream.
You weren't there,
and you weren't there,
and you weren't there.
We're trying
to have a meeting!
We can't do that
if everyone's asleep.
[Geneva]: I'm not asleep!
I snuck away
to watch cartoons!
[whistling]
[Announcer]:
Don't go away!
Kooky Kartoons
will be right back!
[Mel]: Hear ye! Hear ye!
Mel's Mattress Kingdom
is under siege...
by too much inventory!
So gather, my loyal subjects,
for I, the Mattress King,
declare the greatest sale
in all the land!
Every mattress in stock
is hereby banished...
to your bedroom!
I may be your Royal Highness,
but my prices are low...
ness.
This gives me a great idea!
Along with Flurf toys,
we could make Flurf mattresses!
Kids would get great toys,
and their parents would get
the best sleep of their lives!
Am I right, guys?
[snoring]
[♪♪♪]
[high-pitched scream]
Sorry! Still learning
how to work this thing.
[crashing]
Why do you have to know
how to use a wrecking ball?
To wreck things.
And people say
I ask stupid questions.
[panting]
Please stop!
But I haven't hit
those dollhouses yet.
They're unsold and have been
marked for demolition.
Dollhouses aren't as popular
as they used to be.
That's because
they're so old fashioned.
What if
instead of a dollhouse,
I built
a doll apartment building?
A luxury highrise that would be
a must-have address
for girls' dolls.
Instead of selling them
a dollhouse once,
I could charge them doll rent
every month!
What do you think?
[thud]
I think I'm finally getting
good with this thing!
I've actually been aiming
for you the whole time.
[groaning]
[♪♪♪]
Thanks to our patented
Flurf technology,
our mattresses
are the most comfortable
in the industry.
Just try it out.
I guarantee if you do,
you will buy this mattress!
[snores]
See? Told ya!
Piper!
Oh, he was going
to buy it anyway.
Everyone does.
I guess that's true.
Everyone loves Flurf.
Not me!
I'm wearing a Flurf insole,
and now my foot's asleep.
Ooh! Here come more customers.
Welcome to the Flurf store!
My name is...
[playing a fanfare]
Now I know what these are for.
Can I help you?
I am not happy!
With...
your current mattress?
Well,
we can help you with that.
I take it you're looking
for a king size?
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
So, are you shooting
a commercial nearby?
No. Why?
Well, you're dressed like...
One might expect
a king to dress?
No. Like a loon.
How dare you peasants
speak to the Mattress King
in such a manner?
Off with their heads!
What?
No, that won't be necessary,
Your Royal...
Mattresty.
You have invaded
my territory!
How would you like it
if I sold toys?
-Ooh! What kind of toys?
-That sounds great!
Nothing with small pieces.
I choke a lot.
Silence!
Don't worry.
We won't wake anyone up.
Our mattresses
are super comfortable!
That's the point!
They're too good!
You're stealing
all my business!
How are you going
to make this up to me?
You can have
this guy's car.
Prepare to be taken over!
You are now at war
with Mel's Mattress Kingdom!
Everything here
will soon be mine!
As you can see,
we spared no expense
when building the Dolldorf.
[girls]:
Whoa!
Each unit comes
with a mini gourmet kitchen,
a fully functional bathroom
for those of you with
Tina-Needs-To-Tinkle Dolls,
and pictures of pictures
on the wall.
Yes, that is
an original Salvador Dolly.
Now, I know the rent's
a little high, but...
you love your dollies,
don't you?
Then you'll want
to give them the very best.
Even if it means spending
all your allowance money,
birthday money,
and Tooth Fairy money.
In fact,
you might want to knock out
a couple of your own teeth
so you can pull together
the security deposit.
[Geneva]: We'll take it!
You will?
Yeah.
Once I get the money
for the security deposit.
Which I'll have
once I sell my hammer.
[♪♪♪]
Ow! What are you doing?
Collecting
scrap metal.
We're at war.
What else
you got pierced?
The Mattress King
is just a kook.
"At war with Mel's
Mattress Kingdom."
What does that
even mean?
What was that?
Probably just a cloud
falling from the sky.
It happens all the time.
See?
They're pillows!
It's the Mattress King!
Are those catapults?
[whoosh]
Technically,
they're trebuchets.
Catapults generally use tension
to launch their ammunition,
while trebuchets
use a large counter-weight to...
oof!
Thank you!
[he and Jarvis chuckle]
Jarvis!
Come on, it's just a pillow.
You can't get hurt by a pillow.
Guess
I should've seen that coming.
The commercial did say
every mattress comes
with free delivery.
[loud rock music]
Geneva,
you need to turn down the music!
My tenants have been complaining
all day!
Why are you telling me?
I'm not the one playing music.
[sighs]
[knocks]
Yeah?
You need to turn
down the music!
Sorry, can't hear you!
You could if you
turned down the music!
Not really.
My ears are made of plastic!
Please...
just keep it down,
or I'll have to evict you.
Hey, hey, hey...
Why don't you loosen up a little
and join the party?
I bet the other girls
would love to meet
a tall guy like you.
Really?
They think I'm tall?
No!
Just turn down the music.
And no pets!
[♪♪♪]
Thank you for coming
to discuss a truce,
Your Majesty...
Do I really have
to call you that?
You may call me Mel...
Okay. Listen, Mel...
The Third,
Sovereign of Sheet Sets,
Lord of Bedroom Furnishings,
Protector
of the Sleeping Surface
from Normal Wear and Tear
and Everyday Soiling,
Commander of...
You know what?
I'll just stick
with "Your Majesty."
The point is, I get
that you're upset
that we went into
the mattress business.
'Tis an affront to...
Yes. It's bad.
But is there
anything we can do
to put an end to this
senseless, crazy,
really off the deep end,
nutty kookfest of a war?
You can have our jester!
We're not using him!
Ha! He is talented.
But I need more.
Six and ten years ago,
the ex-Mattress Queen
and myself begat a child.
Great...
Now I'm picturing
you begetting some.
Sadly, this child,
my only child and heir
to the Mattress Kingdom,
is... not much to look at.
I find that...
really easy to believe.
The point is,
my child could use a suitor.
You want me
to date your kid?
Not you.
You.
A lot of people
make that mistake,
but I'm actually a girl.
I know.
I want you to date my son...
the Mattress Prince.
[fanfare plays]
What?
I'm not going to go out
on a date with your son
just to end this
loony mattress war.
Hello.
I'm gonna marry him!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
It's an honour to meet you,
Your Fineness...
Highness!
My name's Piper.
I'm a girl.
I'm a little confused here.
You said your son
was "not much to look at."
He's not!
He's so thin and fit,
there's barely anything
to look at.
Unlike me, where
there is so much to look at.
It's true!
I'm looking
in the other direction,
and I still see
a little piece of him.
Anyway, I understand that
by irreversible royal decree,
you and I will
be going out.
On a date!
Your Highness.
You can call me Mel.
And I'm glad
we're going out too.
Though I'm surprised my dad
is letting me date a commoner.
He keeps trying to set me up
with Lady Foot Locker.
Look, I think there's been
a misunderstanding here.
Is that
a roller coaster?
This place is incredible!
Thanks!
And I love
all the cool toys!
Go long!
Nice catch!
Thanks.
Yes, you are.
We should play sometime.
[Piper and Jarvis]: Okay!
That would be great,
because the guy I
usually play with
is terrible.
Ahem!
And I think
he's coming down
with, like,
a throat thing.
Geneva!
Oh, good.
You're here.
I have so many things
I want you to fix!
The paint's peeling,
the toilet's overflowing,
and there's a dead unicorn
in the pool.
All that damage is because
of the party you threw!
Your guests
have no respect!
Some of them
haven't even left yet.
That's Tina-Needs-To-Tinkle.
No, I think
that's Tina-Needs-To-Take
A-Long-Hard-Look-At-Her-Life.
Less talking.
More plunging.
You are the worst
tenant ever!
And as landlord,
I put up with a lot!
Like the guy in 2A
who nods at everything I say,
even though
I know he doesn't mean it.
Did you mail the rent cheque?
Mmm-hmm.
Or the Russian lady in 3B.
She claims she lives alone,
but I know she's got
a whole family living in there.
Hey, Piper, listen, I...
Wow!
You look pretty...
good! Pretty good.
You look pretty good.
For you.
Pretty good for you.
Good for you,
looking pretty good for you!
Uh... thanks?
I figured I would try
to look pretty good for me
since Prince Mel is picking me
up in their limo!
Then he's taking me
to this new five-star
seafood restaurant
where I hear the tuna tartare
is off the hook...
which will make it
much less dangerous to eat.
Then he's taking me
to a basketball game,
where they have a private box.
I don't really like basketball,
but I like "private."
About all that...
I really don't think
you should go.
Why not?
I just don't want you to, okay?
Jarvis!
Are you...
jealous?
What? No!
I just don't think
he's the right person for you.
I think there's someone else
out there you belong with.
Then where is he?
He's never asked me out.
Maybe he's just waiting
for the right time.
Well, I can't
wait forever.
I'm about to go on
a date with a prince.
Sure, he's the prince
of a discount
mattress store...
but there's no reason
for me not to go.
Unless...you can
think of one.
Raw tuna
can give you roundworms
and other vomit-inducing
parasites.
[sighs]
Well, it can!
[fanfare plays]
Are you ready for our date?
You guys aren't coming!
I'm sick of you two showing up
and announcing my arrival!
Do you know how hard it was
to steal a base
in little league?
[playing
"Take Me Out to the Ballgame"]
Wow!
So, do you wanna
get out of here?
If I have to.
[Jarvis]: Wait!
You can't go on this date!
I promise
not to order the tuna.
No.
According to the royal rules
of chivalry,
I am entitled to
challenge this union.
I knew it! I knew
you were jealous!
Okay, fine.
It's true.
I am jealous.
And now you want
to duel over me?
What are you talking about?
You and I
are going to duel over him.
What?
Prince Mel is fun and cool
and has those awesome
basketball tickets.
Why do you think
I've been trying to talk you
out of going with him?
Because you said
that there was someone else
out there I belonged with!
I would've said anything!
He has a private box!
Oof!
I take it this means
you accept my challenge?
[♪♪♪]
Aster, I need to talk
about the apartment.
Not to me.
I'm out.
You are?
I'll leave a message.
Hey, Aster, it's Geneva.
I wanted to...
No. I mean I'm out
of the landlord business.
This apartment was supposed
to be a fun, easy way
to swindle little girls
out of money,
but it turned
into something horrible.
So I put the building
up for sale online
and sold it.
I know.
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
I'm the one who bought it!
You?
You want to deal
with the hassles
of being a landlord?
What hassles?
And can you keep it down?
My tenants like quiet.
Wait a second...
Why isn't your doll
throwing a party?
She is.
A tea party.
You tricked me!
You pretended your doll
was a nightmare tenant
so I'd sell this place to you
for only a few dollars!
And to make things worse,
I fell for that
"dollar/doll-hair" thing.
[fanfare plays]
Hear ye, hear ye.
A challenge has been offered,
and a challenge
has been accepted!
We shall now bear witness
to a great duel
between Jarvis the Brave
and Piper the Girl.
That's twice
he's called me female!
Now, let's have
a good, clean fight.
No funny stuff.
Except from you.
From you, more funny stuff!
Ha! That's what
I'm talking about!
The first one of you
to knock the other
into the moat wins!
Let the battle...
begin!
Mel is mine!
The Third?
You can have him.
I'll take Mel the Fourth...
the dreamy one
with the basketball tickets.
Why can't you
let me have this?
I deserve a little happiness!
Ow!
Hey, that actually gave me
a little happiness.
He's mine!
No, he's mine!
Well, actually, he's mine.
That's not what Mom says.
You won't defeat me
that easily!
We'll see!
You have no weapon.
I have a sharp wit
and a brilliant smile.
It is a really nice smile...
Aah!
We have a victor!
Great.
The dude.
You fought bravely.
Let there be no bad blood
between us.
Grrraah!
This feels a weensy bit
like bad blood.
Piper, wait.
I don't want to fight you.
I don't want
to fight you either.
We're friends.
Good friends.
Really good
friends.
In a way,
more than friends...
Ahem!
Wow, this throat thing
is getting worse.
What do you want, Bowie?
How do we process a refund?
Everyone's trying to return
their Flurf mattresses.
I tried to amuse them
by dropping my pants,
but they're a tougher crowd
than the King.
This makes no sense.
I know. Dropping your pants
is a classic.
It's as old as pants!
I mean, why are they
returning the mattresses?
They're the most comfortable
mattresses ever.
That's the problem.
Apparently,
they've all been fired
for sleeping through work.
Now that Flurf
is no longer a threat,
it seems the Mattress War
is over!
Great!
Then I don't have to go out
with either of these kooks?
No offense,
but I don't much care
for spending time
with crazy people.
Let's go, Dad.
[fanfare plays]
[♪♪♪]
Hi, I'm Jarvis,
the Mayor of Mattresses,
and we're having
a going-out-of-business sale!
Foam Flurf mattresses,
40 percent off!
Fluffy Flurf mattresses,
50 percent off!
And our full-futon,
fatigue-fighting, fiber-filled,
firm-foam, fluffy-Flurf
mattresses,
55 percent off!
Phew!
Everything must go!
So come on down
to our flagship Flurf Factory,
located at...
[snores]
I'm P. Everett Knickknack.
The "P" stands for...
payment!
Which I am still owed
for this commercial!
[♪♪♪]
All right, Bowie,
catch!
But I don't know
how to catch anything!
A ball, a fish...
A break.
It's easy!
Just cradle it
like you're holding a baby.
Like our baby?
Like if you and I
got married one day
and had a baby?
Or like a random baby
someone threw at me?
Okay, Bowie, ready?
I guess... just don't hit me
in the stomach this time.
[grunts]
Thank you...
Maybe we should come up
with something soft
to make footballs
out of
so they're safer
for little kids.
[groaning]
And Bowie.
[Piper]: The only thing
I can think of
that's soft enough for Bowie
is a football made of air.
[whooshing]
[crash]
Bowie, are you all right?
Yeah...
just a little...
winded.
But otherwise,
whatever I landed on
broke my fall.
What is this?
I know exactly
what this is!
The super-soft material
we've been looking for!
[♪♪♪]
♪ Buckle up ♪
♪ And hold on tight ♪
♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪
♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪
♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪
♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪
♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪
♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ You got me ♪
♪ I got you ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
So, we took the material
we found in Mrs. Bubkes's shed,
stripped the clothes,
drained the sweat,
and removed that disgusting,
vaguely Candace-like smell.
What was left was a durable,
yet amazingly soft material
we are calling "Flurf."
Obviously, we can
make Flurf footballs,
Flurf frisbees,
and Flurf boards.
But what else?
I want to hear your ideas.
[snoring]
Guys! Guys!
Wow. I feel really good.
Me too!
Great meeting!
It's not over yet!
We still need to...
[snoring]
Wake up!
[Mmm-boing bounces]
Sorry.
This Flurf is so comfy,
I guess I just dozed off.
I just had
the most wonderful dream.
You weren't there,
and you weren't there,
and you weren't there.
We're trying
to have a meeting!
We can't do that
if everyone's asleep.
[Geneva]: I'm not asleep!
I snuck away
to watch cartoons!
[whistling]
[Announcer]:
Don't go away!
Kooky Kartoons
will be right back!
[Mel]: Hear ye! Hear ye!
Mel's Mattress Kingdom
is under siege...
by too much inventory!
So gather, my loyal subjects,
for I, the Mattress King,
declare the greatest sale
in all the land!
Every mattress in stock
is hereby banished...
to your bedroom!
I may be your Royal Highness,
but my prices are low...
ness.
This gives me a great idea!
Along with Flurf toys,
we could make Flurf mattresses!
Kids would get great toys,
and their parents would get
the best sleep of their lives!
Am I right, guys?
[snoring]
[♪♪♪]
[high-pitched scream]
Sorry! Still learning
how to work this thing.
[crashing]
Why do you have to know
how to use a wrecking ball?
To wreck things.
And people say
I ask stupid questions.
[panting]
Please stop!
But I haven't hit
those dollhouses yet.
They're unsold and have been
marked for demolition.
Dollhouses aren't as popular
as they used to be.
That's because
they're so old fashioned.
What if
instead of a dollhouse,
I built
a doll apartment building?
A luxury highrise that would be
a must-have address
for girls' dolls.
Instead of selling them
a dollhouse once,
I could charge them doll rent
every month!
What do you think?
[thud]
I think I'm finally getting
good with this thing!
I've actually been aiming
for you the whole time.
[groaning]
[♪♪♪]
Thanks to our patented
Flurf technology,
our mattresses
are the most comfortable
in the industry.
Just try it out.
I guarantee if you do,
you will buy this mattress!
[snores]
See? Told ya!
Piper!
Oh, he was going
to buy it anyway.
Everyone does.
I guess that's true.
Everyone loves Flurf.
Not me!
I'm wearing a Flurf insole,
and now my foot's asleep.
Ooh! Here come more customers.
Welcome to the Flurf store!
My name is...
[playing a fanfare]
Now I know what these are for.
Can I help you?
I am not happy!
With...
your current mattress?
Well,
we can help you with that.
I take it you're looking
for a king size?
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
So, are you shooting
a commercial nearby?
No. Why?
Well, you're dressed like...
One might expect
a king to dress?
No. Like a loon.
How dare you peasants
speak to the Mattress King
in such a manner?
Off with their heads!
What?
No, that won't be necessary,
Your Royal...
Mattresty.
You have invaded
my territory!
How would you like it
if I sold toys?
-Ooh! What kind of toys?
-That sounds great!
Nothing with small pieces.
I choke a lot.
Silence!
Don't worry.
We won't wake anyone up.
Our mattresses
are super comfortable!
That's the point!
They're too good!
You're stealing
all my business!
How are you going
to make this up to me?
You can have
this guy's car.
Prepare to be taken over!
You are now at war
with Mel's Mattress Kingdom!
Everything here
will soon be mine!
As you can see,
we spared no expense
when building the Dolldorf.
[girls]:
Whoa!
Each unit comes
with a mini gourmet kitchen,
a fully functional bathroom
for those of you with
Tina-Needs-To-Tinkle Dolls,
and pictures of pictures
on the wall.
Yes, that is
an original Salvador Dolly.
Now, I know the rent's
a little high, but...
you love your dollies,
don't you?
Then you'll want
to give them the very best.
Even if it means spending
all your allowance money,
birthday money,
and Tooth Fairy money.
In fact,
you might want to knock out
a couple of your own teeth
so you can pull together
the security deposit.
[Geneva]: We'll take it!
You will?
Yeah.
Once I get the money
for the security deposit.
Which I'll have
once I sell my hammer.
[♪♪♪]
Ow! What are you doing?
Collecting
scrap metal.
We're at war.
What else
you got pierced?
The Mattress King
is just a kook.
"At war with Mel's
Mattress Kingdom."
What does that
even mean?
What was that?
Probably just a cloud
falling from the sky.
It happens all the time.
See?
They're pillows!
It's the Mattress King!
Are those catapults?
[whoosh]
Technically,
they're trebuchets.
Catapults generally use tension
to launch their ammunition,
while trebuchets
use a large counter-weight to...
oof!
Thank you!
[he and Jarvis chuckle]
Jarvis!
Come on, it's just a pillow.
You can't get hurt by a pillow.
Guess
I should've seen that coming.
The commercial did say
every mattress comes
with free delivery.
[loud rock music]
Geneva,
you need to turn down the music!
My tenants have been complaining
all day!
Why are you telling me?
I'm not the one playing music.
[sighs]
[knocks]
Yeah?
You need to turn
down the music!
Sorry, can't hear you!
You could if you
turned down the music!
Not really.
My ears are made of plastic!
Please...
just keep it down,
or I'll have to evict you.
Hey, hey, hey...
Why don't you loosen up a little
and join the party?
I bet the other girls
would love to meet
a tall guy like you.
Really?
They think I'm tall?
No!
Just turn down the music.
And no pets!
[♪♪♪]
Thank you for coming
to discuss a truce,
Your Majesty...
Do I really have
to call you that?
You may call me Mel...
Okay. Listen, Mel...
The Third,
Sovereign of Sheet Sets,
Lord of Bedroom Furnishings,
Protector
of the Sleeping Surface
from Normal Wear and Tear
and Everyday Soiling,
Commander of...
You know what?
I'll just stick
with "Your Majesty."
The point is, I get
that you're upset
that we went into
the mattress business.
'Tis an affront to...
Yes. It's bad.
But is there
anything we can do
to put an end to this
senseless, crazy,
really off the deep end,
nutty kookfest of a war?
You can have our jester!
We're not using him!
Ha! He is talented.
But I need more.
Six and ten years ago,
the ex-Mattress Queen
and myself begat a child.
Great...
Now I'm picturing
you begetting some.
Sadly, this child,
my only child and heir
to the Mattress Kingdom,
is... not much to look at.
I find that...
really easy to believe.
The point is,
my child could use a suitor.
You want me
to date your kid?
Not you.
You.
A lot of people
make that mistake,
but I'm actually a girl.
I know.
I want you to date my son...
the Mattress Prince.
[fanfare plays]
What?
I'm not going to go out
on a date with your son
just to end this
loony mattress war.
Hello.
I'm gonna marry him!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
It's an honour to meet you,
Your Fineness...
Highness!
My name's Piper.
I'm a girl.
I'm a little confused here.
You said your son
was "not much to look at."
He's not!
He's so thin and fit,
there's barely anything
to look at.
Unlike me, where
there is so much to look at.
It's true!
I'm looking
in the other direction,
and I still see
a little piece of him.
Anyway, I understand that
by irreversible royal decree,
you and I will
be going out.
On a date!
Your Highness.
You can call me Mel.
And I'm glad
we're going out too.
Though I'm surprised my dad
is letting me date a commoner.
He keeps trying to set me up
with Lady Foot Locker.
Look, I think there's been
a misunderstanding here.
Is that
a roller coaster?
This place is incredible!
Thanks!
And I love
all the cool toys!
Go long!
Nice catch!
Thanks.
Yes, you are.
We should play sometime.
[Piper and Jarvis]: Okay!
That would be great,
because the guy I
usually play with
is terrible.
Ahem!
And I think
he's coming down
with, like,
a throat thing.
Geneva!
Oh, good.
You're here.
I have so many things
I want you to fix!
The paint's peeling,
the toilet's overflowing,
and there's a dead unicorn
in the pool.
All that damage is because
of the party you threw!
Your guests
have no respect!
Some of them
haven't even left yet.
That's Tina-Needs-To-Tinkle.
No, I think
that's Tina-Needs-To-Take
A-Long-Hard-Look-At-Her-Life.
Less talking.
More plunging.
You are the worst
tenant ever!
And as landlord,
I put up with a lot!
Like the guy in 2A
who nods at everything I say,
even though
I know he doesn't mean it.
Did you mail the rent cheque?
Mmm-hmm.
Or the Russian lady in 3B.
She claims she lives alone,
but I know she's got
a whole family living in there.
Hey, Piper, listen, I...
Wow!
You look pretty...
good! Pretty good.
You look pretty good.
For you.
Pretty good for you.
Good for you,
looking pretty good for you!
Uh... thanks?
I figured I would try
to look pretty good for me
since Prince Mel is picking me
up in their limo!
Then he's taking me
to this new five-star
seafood restaurant
where I hear the tuna tartare
is off the hook...
which will make it
much less dangerous to eat.
Then he's taking me
to a basketball game,
where they have a private box.
I don't really like basketball,
but I like "private."
About all that...
I really don't think
you should go.
Why not?
I just don't want you to, okay?
Jarvis!
Are you...
jealous?
What? No!
I just don't think
he's the right person for you.
I think there's someone else
out there you belong with.
Then where is he?
He's never asked me out.
Maybe he's just waiting
for the right time.
Well, I can't
wait forever.
I'm about to go on
a date with a prince.
Sure, he's the prince
of a discount
mattress store...
but there's no reason
for me not to go.
Unless...you can
think of one.
Raw tuna
can give you roundworms
and other vomit-inducing
parasites.
[sighs]
Well, it can!
[fanfare plays]
Are you ready for our date?
You guys aren't coming!
I'm sick of you two showing up
and announcing my arrival!
Do you know how hard it was
to steal a base
in little league?
[playing
"Take Me Out to the Ballgame"]
Wow!
So, do you wanna
get out of here?
If I have to.
[Jarvis]: Wait!
You can't go on this date!
I promise
not to order the tuna.
No.
According to the royal rules
of chivalry,
I am entitled to
challenge this union.
I knew it! I knew
you were jealous!
Okay, fine.
It's true.
I am jealous.
And now you want
to duel over me?
What are you talking about?
You and I
are going to duel over him.
What?
Prince Mel is fun and cool
and has those awesome
basketball tickets.
Why do you think
I've been trying to talk you
out of going with him?
Because you said
that there was someone else
out there I belonged with!
I would've said anything!
He has a private box!
Oof!
I take it this means
you accept my challenge?
[♪♪♪]
Aster, I need to talk
about the apartment.
Not to me.
I'm out.
You are?
I'll leave a message.
Hey, Aster, it's Geneva.
I wanted to...
No. I mean I'm out
of the landlord business.
This apartment was supposed
to be a fun, easy way
to swindle little girls
out of money,
but it turned
into something horrible.
So I put the building
up for sale online
and sold it.
I know.
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
I'm the one who bought it!
You?
You want to deal
with the hassles
of being a landlord?
What hassles?
And can you keep it down?
My tenants like quiet.
Wait a second...
Why isn't your doll
throwing a party?
She is.
A tea party.
You tricked me!
You pretended your doll
was a nightmare tenant
so I'd sell this place to you
for only a few dollars!
And to make things worse,
I fell for that
"dollar/doll-hair" thing.
[fanfare plays]
Hear ye, hear ye.
A challenge has been offered,
and a challenge
has been accepted!
We shall now bear witness
to a great duel
between Jarvis the Brave
and Piper the Girl.
That's twice
he's called me female!
Now, let's have
a good, clean fight.
No funny stuff.
Except from you.
From you, more funny stuff!
Ha! That's what
I'm talking about!
The first one of you
to knock the other
into the moat wins!
Let the battle...
begin!
Mel is mine!
The Third?
You can have him.
I'll take Mel the Fourth...
the dreamy one
with the basketball tickets.
Why can't you
let me have this?
I deserve a little happiness!
Ow!
Hey, that actually gave me
a little happiness.
He's mine!
No, he's mine!
Well, actually, he's mine.
That's not what Mom says.
You won't defeat me
that easily!
We'll see!
You have no weapon.
I have a sharp wit
and a brilliant smile.
It is a really nice smile...
Aah!
We have a victor!
Great.
The dude.
You fought bravely.
Let there be no bad blood
between us.
Grrraah!
This feels a weensy bit
like bad blood.
Piper, wait.
I don't want to fight you.
I don't want
to fight you either.
We're friends.
Good friends.
Really good
friends.
In a way,
more than friends...
Ahem!
Wow, this throat thing
is getting worse.
What do you want, Bowie?
How do we process a refund?
Everyone's trying to return
their Flurf mattresses.
I tried to amuse them
by dropping my pants,
but they're a tougher crowd
than the King.
This makes no sense.
I know. Dropping your pants
is a classic.
It's as old as pants!
I mean, why are they
returning the mattresses?
They're the most comfortable
mattresses ever.
That's the problem.
Apparently,
they've all been fired
for sleeping through work.
Now that Flurf
is no longer a threat,
it seems the Mattress War
is over!
Great!
Then I don't have to go out
with either of these kooks?
No offense,
but I don't much care
for spending time
with crazy people.
Let's go, Dad.
[fanfare plays]
[♪♪♪]
Hi, I'm Jarvis,
the Mayor of Mattresses,
and we're having
a going-out-of-business sale!
Foam Flurf mattresses,
40 percent off!
Fluffy Flurf mattresses,
50 percent off!
And our full-futon,
fatigue-fighting, fiber-filled,
firm-foam, fluffy-Flurf
mattresses,
55 percent off!
Phew!
Everything must go!
So come on down
to our flagship Flurf Factory,
located at...
[snores]
I'm P. Everett Knickknack.
The "P" stands for...
payment!
Which I am still owed
for this commercial!
[♪♪♪]