Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 6 - Cardboard Box - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Piper.
Putting up flyers?

Me too.

[audience laughing]

Bowie! What
are you doing?

Promoting Knickknack's
75th anniversary.

We're throwing a party
for the employees.

I mean, why'd you
put that there?

I don't know.
For some reason,

I just thought that was
a good spot for a flyer.



[sighing]

Here's another good spot
for a flyer.

Stop it!

I'm starting a band.

I want people
to see my flyer.

You're starting a band?
That's cool.

[starts dialing]

[cellphone ringing]

Aren't you
gonna get that?

Nope.

But I play keyboards.

All kinds!

Including...

The keytar.



[riffing]

The keybone.

[♪♪♪]

And the keyzoo.

[♪♪♪]

Ooh...

"Musicians wanted
for a new band."

Piper, can I be
in your band?

No.

But I play the drums.

And I already have
the band uniform.

Look, I don't want to mix work
with the rest of my life.

You guys know "work Piper,"

but outside of here,
I have a dark side.

We've been seeing
your bright side?

[darkly]: Yes.

If you don't want
Knickknack employees

in the band,

why are you posting
your flyers around here?

A lot of musicians
cut through this courtyard.

It leads to the record store,
the guitar store,

and the food bank.

The point is,

I don't want anyone
from work in the band.

You're starting a band?

I play guitar.

Welcome to the band!

[laughter]

...Everyone?

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪♪

Okay, guys, welcome
to the first band practice

of Piper
and the Pied Pipers.

-Yeah!
-All right!

Now, just because
we're naming the band after me,

I don't want you to think
you'll have less say.

Because you never
had any say,

so you can't
have less than that.

One, two, three, four!

Knox, we haven't
decided on a song yet.

I know.
I just love counting.

But thanks for stopping me
when you did,

because I get pretty lost
after "four."

I wrote
a song for us.

I think you'll
enjoy playing it

as much as
I enjoyed writing it.

It's called
"Soul-Crushing Sadness."

One, two,
three, four!

[♪♪♪]

♪ The skies bring
Nothing but rain ♪

♪ My heart's
A bloody stain ♪

♪ Anger pulsates in my brain ♪

♪ My soul
Is full of pain ♪

♪ Life is badness ♪

♪ Consumed by madness ♪

♪ Can't you just feel
This soul-crushing sadness? ♪

Everybody now!

♪ Life is badness ♪

♪ Consumed by madness ♪

♪ Can't you just feel
This soul-crushing sadness? ♪

[laughter]

What's wrong?

You guys are supposed
to sing backup,

not just back up.

Yeah...

it's just
your song is a little...

horribly depressing.

[Knox]: Maybe we could
brighten it up

with a little tambourine...

Or better yet,
a little keybourine!

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ooh, ooh, girl... ♪

What are you doing?

Ooh-ooh-girl-ing.
It's my thing.

Well, I don't want your thing.

What about my thing?
Do you want my thing?

Nobody wants your thing.

I don't want tambourines,
keybourines, or Ooh-ooh-girls.

I don't want
any of your ideas.

Why not?

Because the band is called
"Piper and the Pied Pipers,"

not "Piper
and the Pied Nitwits."

Let's just take five.

Take what?

[laughter]

Wow, Aster. Your outfits
just get weirder and weirder.

This isn't my outfit.

I'm just carrying
a cardboard box.

[thud]

What is
all this stuff?

Bunch of old
Knickknack products.

Jarvis asked me to pick
one of these discontinued toys

to re-release
for the 75th anniversary.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm the company's
product and safety tester.

You should run these things
past me first.

I was trying to
run them past you,

but you saw me.

So now we're talking.

I'm just saying

maybe some of these old toys
were discontinued for a reason.

They might not be safe.

I'm sure they're fine.

They're just
simple, old-fashioned toys.

See? Like
the Knickknack Dipsy Ball.

You just throw it
and catch it.

[shrieks]: Aah! Sports!

I caught it!

[grunting]

See? Your finger's stuck.

So? I'll just
pull the ball off.

Or get another finger stuck.

I'm sure
I can get out of this.

All right.
That settles it.

I'm gonna have to
test all these old toys

to make sure they're safe.

[nasally]: Okay.
If you think it's necessary.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, what about keystanets?

[♪♪♪]

Hey, guys.

I came up with a great idea
for the band.

Here's an idea.

Stop coming up
with ideas.

But I arranged for us

to perform at Knickknack's
anniversary party.

Really? That actually
is pretty cool.

Yeah. Sweet gig.

How'd you
hook that up?

I know a guy.

Ooh, what guy?

Me.

I'm the guy.

The guy is me.

You don't know him.

This is awesome!

This could be our big break.

[Knox]:
Speaking of big breaks...

I just took
a two-hour lunchbreak.

Because I had
a hard time eating my sandwich.

Because I broke
both my arms.

What happened?

Did you hurt yourself

testing those old
discontinued toys?

No. I hadn't even started yet.

I did this
trying to open a book.

Great. Now
our band has a gig,

but no drummer.

Don't worry, guys.
These days, they make

some really sophisticated
high-end drum machines.

[♪♪♪]

We need someone
with real rhythm.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

[laughter]

I say we give
the monkey a shot.

[♪♪♪]

Knox, how are you gonna
safety-test these toys

with two broken arms?

Easy. By getting you to do it.

Me? Safety-test?

I barely survived
the Dipsy Ball!

You're fine.

None of you
is stuck in it anymore.

I wish that were true.

[laughter]

I'm sure nothing
in this box

is as dangerous
as the Dipsy Ball.

"Professor Knickknack's
Atomic Energy Lab."

Aah!

[boing boing boing boing]

[boing boing]

So...what else
is in here?

Knick-o The Clown's
Juggling Axes.

Now extra-killy.

Ah... poor Knick-o.

He died
in a car accident.

I heard they were

pulling dead clowns
out of the wreckage

for hours.

Yeah. I left a bouquet
of squirting flowers

at that intersection.

♪ Life is badness ♪

♪ Consumed by madness ♪

♪ Can't you just feel
This soul-crushing sadness? ♪

[drum solo]

[laughter]

I can't believe you've never
played the drums before.

You're incredible!

I have to admit,

you're a better drummer
than the monkey.

But to be fair,

the monkey's better
at your job.

[keys clacking]

I was right
to make you test those toys.

Turns out they were all
extremely dangerous!

But there is one left
you haven't tested.

[Aster snaps]:
You test it!

I can't!
My arms are broken?

Yours aren't.

Pfft.

Besides,
that one looks harmless.

Fishy-Friends InstaPet.

This little guy
actually looks kind of cute.

Just add it to water
and watch it grow.

[shrieking]: Help! Help! Aah!

I'm trying to help you...

Pick a toy.

But there's nothing left
except the box.

[roaring]

Wait a second!

I love cardboard boxes!

We should release this
as the toy!

What do you say, Aster?

Aah! Aah! Aah!

So, who's ready
for the dress rehearsal?

[Geneva]:
Clearly not you.

Uh... What's going on?

I had some ideas about
brightening up our wardrobe.

What do you think?

I think it looks like

you raided a five-year-old's
birthday party.

Oh, I did.

But that's not why
we're dressed like this.

We liked Geneva's suggestions.

After all, she has
an eye for fashion,

and you have an eye...

...That's kind of
scaring me right now.

Whatever. We'll
discuss this later.

Can we just
rehearse the song?

Sure.

One, two, three, four!

[light and happy melody plays]

♪ The skies
Bring nothing but rain ♪

♪ My heart's a bloody stain ♪

♪ Anger pulsates in my brain ♪

♪ My soul is... ♪

What's going on?

The song
doesn't sound right!

That's because
you're singing the wrong lyrics.

I rewrote them
to be more happier

and more funner,
and more less-depressinger.

It's supposed to be depressing.

It's called
"Soul-Crushing Sadness."

Not anymore.

Now it's called
"Whole Lotta Gladness."

The only sole
you'll be crushing

is the one on your shoe
when you tap your foot.

[laughter]

"The skies bring
nothing but sunniness,

"clowns are good
at funniness,

"I like my eggs
with runniness,

rabbits
are full of bunniness."

This is not a "Piper
and the Pied Pipers" song.

You're right!

That's why
we changed our name.

"Geneva and The Pied Genevas"?

We just thought
it was a catchier name.

Catchier?
It makes no sense.

There's no such thing
as a Pied Geneva.

Well, there's
no such thing

as a Pied Piper.

What does that even mean?
I've never seen one.

You guys
want to know

what a...Pied Piper
looks like?

Well...

The word "pied" comes
from "magpie,"

and refers
to the black and white,

or "piebald," clothing
the piper wore.

Anyway, here's
the last pie

for the Knickknack
party.

Come on! Who really likes
Geneva's changes?

You don't get a vote!
You're not in the band!

You know what?
Neither am I. I quit!

I never wanted to be in a band
with you guys anyway.

[door slams]

I guess we should've
seen this coming.

Yeah.

Of course there was
going to be pie.

Why did I fill up
on birthday cake?

[guitar strumming quietly]

♪ The unwanted girl
Never got her way ♪

♪ Like the kid on the team
Who never got to play ♪

♪ Like a tissue you sneeze in
And then just throw away ♪

♪ Like the bones of a kitten
Mauled by a bird of prey ♪

♪ Unwanted girl ♪

♪ Guess I'll always be
The ♪

♪ Unwanted girl ♪

♪ Unwanted girl ♪

♪ Unwanted girl ♪

♪ To those dumb jerks ♪

Wow, Piper.

Jarvis.

How much of that
did you hear?

Everything from...

♪ Unwanted girl ♪

to...

♪ Those dumb jerks ♪♪

Piper, there was so much
emotion in that song.

It's so powerful.

So raw!

Who's it about?

Seriously?

Yeah, I mean...

Do I know this girl?

She clearly needs
professional help.

It's about me!
And how I'm out of the band!

Really? But you quit.

I didn't want to.

Being in a band
has been my dream

for as long
as I can remember.

Now there's a band,
but I'm not part of it.

I feel like
I'm watching other people

live out my dream...

and ruining it
with happy lyrics

and colourful clothes

and Bowie.

Forget it.
You wouldn't understand.

Actually, I do.

Running a toy company
is my dream.

But Knickknack
isn't just my company.

We all
work together,

so, in a way...

it belongs
to all of us.

I guess that's true.

I mean, I feel that way
emotionally,

but legally it's mine.

If I sell it,
I get all the money.

But sometimes,
for the good of the company,

I have to really consider
other people's ideas.

Even the bad ones...

like Knox's idea
to make Whoopee Pants.

That was my idea.

Bad example.

But I get
what you're saying.

I could've been more open

to people's ideas
for the band.

[whoopee pants farting]

Eh?

But we should've
trusted your vision more.

It's clear you have a gift.

That song you were singing
when I came in

was really good.

Thanks.

Though it would've
been even better

with an
♪ Ooh, ooh, girl! ♪

[♪♪♪]

In celebration
of Knickknack's 75th birthday,

We present an old toy
that's new again...

Knickknack's Cardboard Box!

[audience laughing]

There are lots of ways
to play with Cardboard Box.

You can't play with it.

It hasn't been
safety-tested yet.

It's a cardboard box.
I'll be fine.

Cardboard Box...

You can pick it up.

You can put it on your head.

[whump]

You can pretend
you're in a dark cave

where you can't see
anyone's ugly outfit.

You can...

Wa-a-a-ah!

[whump]

Aah...

Aa-h-h-h-h!

[thump]

Aah-hh-hh!

[thud]

Aah-hh-hh-hh!

Aah-hh-hh!

[elevator dings]

[audience laughing]

Guys, I'm really sorry.

I really should've been
more open to your ideas.

If you'll take me back,

I'd really love
to be a Pied Geneva.

They're not
performing tonight.

Piper and the Pied Pipers are!

What are you talking about?

Starting a band
was your thing,

and we messed it up

with cool costumes
and good music.

You never hang out with us
much outside of work.

The only reason
we joined the band

was to spend more time
with you.

[Bowie]:
Not me.

I joined for the tale!

Because someday,

this will be an exciting
tale I tell my children.

You guys are the best.

Partial group hug?

[laughter]

Anyway...

what kind of party
would this be

without a little
Soul-Crushing Sadness?

Knox?

And now, a band
that was much better

before they lost
their original drummer...

Piper and the Pied Pipers!

[cheering]

One, two, three, four!

[♪♪♪]

♪ The skies bring nothing
But rain ♪

♪ My heart's a bloody stain ♪

♪ Anger pulsates in my brain ♪

♪ My soul is full of pain ♪

♪ Life is badness ♪

♪ Consumed by madness ♪

♪ Can't you just feel
This soul-crushing sadness? ♪

[crowd booing]

[all booing]

Why are they booing?

Don't worry. Happens
to me all the time.

It's just a polite greeting.

They hate my song!

That's not true.

[Knox]:
We hate your song!

We should play
Geneva's version.

No. This
is your thing.

We're playing your song.

But we have to do something
before this crowd...

Everyone!

Grab a pie!

...Loses interest
and just eats pie.

♪ The skies bring
Nothing but sunniness ♪

♪ Clowns
Are good at funniness ♪

♪ I like my eggs
With runniness ♪

♪ Rabbits
Are full of bunniness! ♪

♪ Life is radness ♪

♪ Love my mom
And my dadness ♪

♪ Can't you feel ♪

♪ There's
A whole lotta gladness? ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh
Gi-i-i-i-irl-l ♪♪

[cheering and applause]

Guys, that was great!

...Pie.

I also enjoyed
your song.

And I hear people love
the cardboard box.

It's an awesome toy!

Aster's not here.

He must still
be playing with it.

I'm alive? I'm alive!

All those old dangerous toys
are here too.

Oh, no.

That means...

Great.

This was the last thing
I needed!

[straining]

[fishy friend growling]

[radio tuning]

Hey there, boys and girls.

I have big news!

Real front-page stuff!

Knickknack Toys,

the company that brought you

Knick-o the Clown's
Juggling Axes

and Professor Knickknack's
Atomic Energy Lab,

brings you
an exciting new toy...

Cardboard Box!

And it's not just
any cardboard box!

Our Cardboard Boxes

are made by clear-cutting

only the oldest
and mightiest of trees.

[footsteps]

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

You can't tell,
but I'm a cartoon!

The "P." stands for
"packaging not included."

[♪♪♪]