Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 5 - Brrrzooka - full transcript

[sinister theme rises]

[♪♪♪]

[winch ratchets]

[audience laughing]

[Candace chuckles darkly]

Oh, this'll give Jarvis
his grand finale!

[groaning]

Well, his baby-grand finale.

A full grand piano
was an extra $30 to rent.

[resumes cranking]

Isn't it funny



how we ended up on
the same bus again?

You chased it
down the street,

leapt off an overpass
onto the roof,

and punched your way in
through a window.

I didn't want to
be late for work.

[lever thunks]

[lever clunks]

[thunk-clunk-thunk]

[groans, irate]

Mrs. Bubkes?

[speaking Meeskatanian]

Good morning!

Mrs. Bubkes,
I see what you're up to.

Thank you.



Huh?

I always wanted
a piano on the roof.

Mrs. Bubkes must be hoisting
this up there as a surprise.

Although I would've kicked in
the extra $30 for a full grand.

[audience laughing]

[fumes]

I really thought
this thing would fall!

[rope breaks]

Uh-oh.

[whoosh-thud]

♪ Buckle up
And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
And change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
All the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
And all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
Around ♪

♪ So here we go
Whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
Whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
Whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me
I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

Oh, good. I left
this here last night.

I was worried
it fell out of my bag

when I got on the bus.

Well, on top of the bus.

Why is there a picture
of me on there?

Because...
you're my friend.

It's not weird to have

hundreds and hundreds
of pictures of your friend.

Then you must have
thousands of pictures of me.

Uh... yeah.

I keep them in here.

[Bowie gasps]

[slam]

[Bowie]: This place
is cramped, dark, and creepy,

and there are no pictures
of me anywhere.

It's like being
at my mom's house.

As I was saying,

having pictures of you
is not weird.

Nothing I do is weird.

[Bowie thumping on hood]

[bang]

This photo
isn't in the folder

"Jarvis Pics"...

or "Jarvis Pics 2,"

or "More Jarvis Pics."

It's in an email newsletter
called "Women Up-Close."

[Bowie]: I get
that newsletter...

It's from
an advocacy group

for professional women
and female entrepreneurs.

[Bowie]: Never mind.
Different newsletter.

"The worst companies
for women to work for.

Number one...
Knickknack Toys?"

They're pointing out
that Knickknack

has no women in upper-
management positions.

This is terrible!

They used an unflattering
photo of me.

Jarvis, this is
a real issue!

[sighing]

I have to do
something about this.

I need to get them
a new photo.

Especially since
this thing

is probably read
by a lot of ladies.

[laughter]

[purse thuds]

[Bowie]: Hello?

Hello?

Geneva?
Is that you?

Yes...

I've been waiting all morning
for you to get here.

Hey. I always
start work at noon.

But I need your help.

Why? What's
going on?

What do you
think is going on?

I think you're a talking car

giving me a hard time
about my work hours.

Ooh, lunch break!
Bye, Talking Car.

[Bowie]: Geneva! Wait!

Hello?

Hello?

Aster!

I know what
this looks like,

but I'm not
a talking car.

It's me, Bowie,
and I'm trapped in here.

Thanks for
clearing that up.

[laughter]

[♪♪♪]

So I thought about the article
and realized I was wrong.

There's no such thing
as a bad picture of me.

I also realized
that maybe they're right.

It would be great
to have someone else

in upper-management
to help me run this place.

I'll do it!

It's got to be a woman.

I'll...

think about it.

You're going to
promote a woman?

Yeah.

A female perspective
would be invaluable.

After all, if you look
at who's buying our toys,

it's half girls.

Half-girls?

We sell toys to mermaids?

Anyway...

I've decided to make
one of the women working here

our new Vice President.

That's great!

So I thought long and hard

about who I want
to be my partner,

close by my side

for all those working dinners,

late nights,

and occasional weekends...

[sighs] I know
how this goes.

Congratulations, Geneva.

Ahh! What did I win?

Was it a beauty pageant
I didn't even enter?

It happens more
than you'd think.

It's not Geneva.

I don't want this to be
some meaningless promotion.

Suit yourself.

The Vice President
position

should go to the woman
who's worked the hardest,

contributed the most,

and shown real
leadership potential.

Well, you're making
the right choice.

I know I am.

Congratulations,
Mrs. Bubkes!

[speaking Meeskatanian]

Beauty pageant?

No. You're
our new vice president.

Ohh!

[schemingly]: Ohh...

Here's your new
office, Mrs. Bubkes.

I even got you
your own monster chair.

And so it doesn't get
mixed up with mine,

we used a different monster.

[speaking Meeskatanian]

I love it.

Way to suck up,
Mrs. Bubkes.

Yeah, no kidding.

She did a great job
vacuuming.

So, everyone
will report to you now.

Great. Mrs. Bubkes
is gonna tell us

what to do now.

Fantastic.

I know!
It is fantastic!

And, Mrs. Bubkes,

I want you to be in charge
of choosing our next big toy.

Makes sense. After all,

who knows
more about toys

than a cleaning woman
who was a kid,

like, 1,000 years ago?

Huh. You know,

you wouldn't think
that would make sense,

but when you put it
that way...

it so does!

[sobbing]

[Bowie]:
Aster? Is that you?

[sobs]

No, it's Geneva.

What's wrong?

My boyfriend bought me
this necklace.

That jerk!

I know!

It has sapphires
instead of diamonds.

Sapphires!

That's tragic, but,
listen, I'm trapped...

You're trapped?
I'm trapped!

Trapped in
a diamondless relationship!

[Aster]: Ow.

[sobbing]

That's Aster crying.

I'm not crying.

I just got something
in my eye.

A really sharp
sapphire!

[resumes crying]

What should I do
about my boyfriend?

Dump him!

You deserve
someone better.

Someone like...

I don't know...

Bowie?

Bowie?

[she starts laughing]

[chuckling] Oh...

I needed a good laugh like that.

Thanks for cheering me up,
Talking Car.

I've got
a great toy idea.

A new twist
on an old favourite...

fake fake vomit.

You think
you're buying fake vomit,

but when you open the package,

it's filled
with real vomit.

I came up with
my idea during lunch.

"Mr. Potato... Chip."

You stick little plastic
parts into it

and make a new friend.

How about a toy

that gives promotions to people
who actually deserve them?

[Bowie]: And since
it doesn't do anything,

I call it...

"Serious Putty."

You know those paper dolls

we all loved to play with
when we were...

up early this morning?

Well, imagine
if we made them full-sized.

That way, when you see
someone wearing an ugly outfit,

you can just put one on them.

Everyone, Mrs. Bubkes
has decided whose idea

will be our next big toy.

Well, I'm out.

Fake fake vomit
is a pretty small toy.

Guess I threw up
in this mug for nothing.

That's my mug!

And my lunch!

So? Whose idea did you pick?

[speaking Meeskatanian]:
...Interesting ideas...

[speaking Meeskatanian]

Piper!

Wait.

Did you just say...

[speaking Meeskatanian]

"Piper?"

[speaking Meeskatanian]

...Snowball shooter.

It's a toy
you fill with water

and it fires snowballs!

You could have snowball
fights all year.

A year seems like
a long snowball fight.

I didn't pitch
the snowball shooter to you.

[speaking Meeskatanian]
...In your computer.

[speaking Meeskatanian]
...Many pictures of Jarvis.

You went into my computer?

You can't do that!

She went through
my computer too.

Also many pictures
of Jarvis.

The point is,

this snowball thing's
gonna be a great toy.

You're a genius...

Well, thanks. I...

...Mrs. Bubkes.

[Bowie]: I can't believe

Mrs. Bubkes
didn't pick Serious Putty.

Talking Car,
I've been thinking.

About dating Bowie?

No!

I was thinking,
since you're a talking car,

I could become a cop.

We could partner up
and solve crimes.

Like what
happened to Bowie?

No, important crimes!

Of course
you're also a desk,

so I'd have to be a desk cop.

What do you think
I should do?

You should
date Bowie.

Wait. You're serious?

As serious as putty.

Think about it.

You dated tall guys
and handsome guys

and rich guys
and smart guys

and guys not
locked in a desk,

but has it
made you happy?

Yes.

No! It hasn't.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should
just go up to Bowie,

grab him and kiss him.

What do you think?

[horn honking, alarm blaring,
radiator hissing]

Okay, Knickknack's
new snowball shooter is ready.

Presenting...

Brrrzooka!

Let's see if
this thing works.

[powering up]

[splat]

It works.

Hey, hey, hey!

I'm supposed to be
the product tester.

You're right,
you're right.

[whirring]

[whoosh-splat]

It works.

Great job, Mrs. Bubkes.

Once we unveil Brrrzooka,

kids'll be running
to toy stores.

[Candace]: More like
running for their lives,

once I make
a little adjustment

to the temperature regulator.

Welcome, everyone,
to an exciting Knickknack event,

where you'll be introduced
to an amazing new toy...

Brrrzooka!

[applause]

We were trying
to decide

who to demonstrate
this exciting new toy on,

when we thought...

how about all
of you kids?

[kids]: Yay!

Mrs. Bubkes?

[thud]

[shrieks like a girl]

[thud]

Those are icicles!

Mrs. Bubkes,

point that thing
away from the crowd!

Okay.

[fires twice]

This is my good shirt.

[thud]

Mwahahahaha.
Mwahahahaha...

Mwahahahaha!

What's with the laugh,
Mrs. Bubkes?

It's pretty obvious.

She's just so happy
about her new promotion.

Mwahahahaha.
Mwahahahaha...

I'm not gonna let someone else
get credit for my idea.

This little adjustment
should turn the Brrrzooka

into a brrr-tastrophe!

I have to work
on my evil-speak.

"Brrragedy..."

"Brrrbacle..."

"Brrrsaster..."

"Brrrsaster!"

That's not bad.

Mwahahahaha.
Mwahahahaha.

Mwahaha...

Wow. Piper's also really happy
about your promotion.

I'm happy
about it too.

I guess
we're all happy.

Mwahahahaha.

[collectively]: Mwahahahaha.

Mwahahahaha.
Mwahahahaha...

Welcome, everyone,
to an exciting Knickknack event,

where you'll be introduced
to an amazing new toy...

Brrrzooka!

[applause]

We were trying
to decide

who to demonstrate
this exciting new toy on,

when we thought...

how about all
you kids?

[kids]: Yay!

[cheering slows
and distorts]

What have I done?

Mrs. Bubkes?

[powering up]

Wait! You can't do this.

Why not?

Uh... you just can't!

I see what's
going on here.

When I found you doing that
delighted laugh in my office,

I thought you were happy
for Mrs. Bubkes.

But you're jealous
of her promotion.

Well, yeah.

I actually didn't think
I was hiding it all that well.

And now you're trying to stop
Mrs. Bubkes's presentation.

Well, I'm sorry, Piper.

This is
her moment to shine.

I can't let that happen.

Knox?

I think you know
what to do.

Now do you know what to do?

Yep. Got it.

Get out.

[Bowie, muffled]:
I've been trying for two days.

Talking Car?

[Bowie]: Yes?

I can't find Bowie anywhere.
How am I supposed to kiss him?

I've got to
get out of this car!

Come on, Talking Car,
say something.

[Bowie imitates engine failing]

Are you okay?

[warbly, raspy voice]:
Engine...

trouble.

You're a desk.
You don't have an engine.

[Bowie, normal voice]:
That's the trouble.

Maybe I just need some air.

Please open my hood.
But close your eyes!

Why?

I'm not gonna let you
look under my hood.

We just met!

Good point.

Feeling better?

Definitely.

Oh, good.

Bowie! There you are.

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

For what?

For... this.

What's wrong?
Is it my breath?

I got hungry.
I ate my shoe.

And my sock.

Talking Car, are you sure
I should kiss Bowie?

Because unless
you tell me you're sure,

I'm not doing it.

Vroom-vroom. I'm sure.
Kiss him. Vroom-vroom.

How dumb
do you think I am, Bowie?

You sound nothing
like Talking Car.

Thanks for nothing, jerk.

[car]: Sorry, buddy.
I saw her first.

They locked
the back door too.

I've got to find some way
to get back on that roof!

Sorry for
the delay, everyone.

We are about to
demonstrate the Brrrzooka.

Mrs. Bubkes?

Give me that.

Piper! What are you doing?

What's wrong with you?

You can't
demonstrate this toy!

It's not gonna work properly!

It'll be a brrrsaster!

While that turn of phrase
is mildly clever,

you need to stop.

Just because you didn't
oversee this toy

doesn't mean
it won't work.

Jarvis! No-o-o-o!

[whoosh-splat]

See? It works brrrfectly.

[kids cheering]

[snowballs blasting]

[Boing-boing-boing-
boing-boing-boing-boing...]

The Brrrzooka works.

Why wouldn't it?

Because I kind of

secretly adjusted
the temperature regulator.

I made it warmer.

Warmer?

But then it would have
shot water.

This would have just been
a run-of-the-mill water gun

and a huge embarrassment.

But that didn't happen.

Mrs. Bubkes must've messed up
and set it too cold.

The Brrrzooka
would've fired icicles

at those innocent children.

Piper, you saved the day.

I did?

Don't be modest.
You did!

And you didn't tell me

because you wanted
to make Mrs. Bubkes look good

and still
let her take the credit.

You got me.

I'm sorry
I thought you were jealous.

That's just not you.

No, it is not.

I'm just glad no one
got hit by an icicle.

That thing fires icicles?

[banging]

Help. Help.
Can anyone hear me?

I can hear you,
Talking Piano.

What do you want?

Geneva, I want you

to... kiss Bowie
next time you see him.

Please!

Like I'm gonna take advice
from a talking piano?

[chuckles]

I've got to tell Talking Car
about this.

He will laugh!

[♪♪♪]

You're making
the Vice President mop?

I decided Mrs. Bubkes

isn't really
upper management material.

I think she prefers
cleaning anyway.

I bet we'll be
hearing a lot more

of that happy "Mwahahaha,
mwahahaha, mwahahaha..."

laugh

now that she's back
doing what she loves.

So I guess
we're back to having

no women
in positions of authority.

Actually, no.

I've decided to
give the promotion

to the woman
who really deserves it.

The person who should've
had it from the beginning.

Geneva?

[roars]: Geneva?

[crashing]

You're giving
the promotion to Geneva?

This is a joke!

Not a very good one.
Nobody knocked.

I was going to say,

"Geneva...

would you please
go put Piper's name

on the Vice President's
office?"

I know.

That's why I'm just moving
my things to my new office.

[♪♪♪]

She was a renegade cop who
broke every rule in the book.

It's not my fault.

They can't expect me
to read a book.

He was
an experimental talking car

designed to fight crime

until he was
in a horrible accident.

[Bowie]:
What, now?

[whoosh]

Now she's assigned
to a desk...

and he's the desk.

Together they'll rid
the streets of crime...

while staying off the streets.

[phone ringing]

Will you get that?

You get it.
I always get it.

[click-thud]

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The "P" stands for...

[deep voice]:
"...Premiering this fall."

[♪♪♪]