Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 4 - Samurai Salamanders - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

So who loved the Samurai
Salamanders movie?

[cheering]

And who thought
it was nothing more

than a stereotypical examination

of the perceived
cultural dichotomy

between freewheeling,
nonconforming Western attitudes

and strict, conformist
Eastern traditions?

Ooh, I like her.

Anyway,
as exclusive distributor

of Samurai Salamander toys,



Knickknack is giving
the first 100 kids in line

a free collector's edition
action figure,

which won't be available
in stores...

for another three whole days.

[cheering]

So, what, you'll just clap
for anything?

And I haven't told you
the best part!

We have some special guests
for you to meet.

The real Samurai
Salamanders are here!

[cheering]

And they're just as cool
as they were in the movie!

[grunting]

I can't get this mask on.

[Knox]: That's because
it's the tail.



[Geneva]: I can see

how you'd confuse
your face with your...

[Jarvis]: Hey, guys!

The kids out there
are really excited!

Who wouldn't be?

We get to meet the real
Samurai Salamanders!

From the movie!

Uh, Knox?

We're the Samurai Salamanders.

I think I would've remembered
being in a movie.

Seriously,
who are we trying to fool?

I mean, these cheap costumes

look nothing like the characters
from the movie,

which I totally saw
the whole thing of

and didn't watch
through my fingers

because the bad guys
are really scary.

They're not here, are they?

[children clamor]

Okay, here come the kids.

Samurai poses!

It's the real
Samurai Salamanders!

[cheering]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

You know how in the movie,

when Dr. Heinous used
his laser sword

to cut off your tail,
and it grew back?

[Knox]: Yeah...

Does it work
on other body parts?

I don't see why it wouldn't.
Give it a try!

[Jarvis]: Whoa!

Okay, kids.

It's time for us,
the real Samurai Salamanders,

to show you our signature moves.

Hiyah!

Boom, boom, boom!
Hammer fist!

Shink, shink, shink!
Razor strike!

[Geneva]: Whoosh!
Tornado kick!

[Bowie whimpers]

What move is that?

The pee-pee dance.

I'll be in the little
Salamander's room.

[♪♪♪]

Whew! Had to drain
the lizard suit.

I didn't make it
to the bathroom.

Do you mind?
I've got my own problems.

The editor
of Spiffy Dude magazine

wants to feature my designs
in the next issue.

That is bad.

How do you get through the day?

That's the good part!

The bad part is, I can't afford
to hire a male model

for the photo shoot.

I spent all my money
on this sewing machine

so I could look busy

when you came out
of the bathroom

in the hopes
you wouldn't talk to me.

Piece of junk doesn't work.

You could still
use it for sewing.

Don't be silly.

That's what this one's for.

If you're looking
for a male model,

it's kind of obvious
who you should ask.

I know.

But Knox and Jarvis
both said they're busy.

I'm not talking
about them.

I'm talking about
someone in this room.

Oh,
I see what you're suggesting.

I guess I have no other choice.

No, you do not.

Hey, Piper?

How would you like to be
in a fashion magazine?

Me?

Yeah.

I want you to model
my latest designs

for a big time
fashion editor.

Why don't you ask Geneva?

You've got a better
look for this.

Really?
What's your angle?

Besides really low, looking up?

I just think the
clothes I designed

will look great on you.

You've got a...
model's face and body.

I do?

But give me one good reason
why I should do this.

Guys like dating models.

And Jarvis is a guy.

I said good reason.

That's a great reason!

[♪♪♪]

[Jarvis]: Thanks!

Meeting you kids
was awesome!

Or should I say...
amphibiawesome!

It was so cute
how those kids believed

we were
the real Samurai Salamanders.

I'm just glad to finally
get this mask off.

I've been inhaling my own breath
for four hours.

[Bowie]: Imagine how I feel!

[everyone gasps]

[Knox]: Put it back on!
Put it back on!

[inhales]

I almost forgot
my action figure!

[screams]

[tearful] The Samurai
Salamanders aren't real?

[sobbing]

[Geneva]: Quick, Bowie!

Take off your mask
so he passes out!

[♪♪♪]

[child cries]

If the Samurai Salamanders
aren't real,

then who's going to stop
Dr. Heinous?

[Bowie]: Well, actually,
since we're on the subject...

the truth is, Dr. Heinous...

Did this to me!

He did?

Yeah.

He altered
the radioactive gamma rays

that turned us
into the Samurai Salamanders

in the first place,

to create a new mutation.

And now I'm stuck
with this face...

this handsome, handsome face.

[Bowie]: What are
you talking about?

You just took off...

In our Samurai Skyjet!

To go to our top-secret lab

and develop this laser pen
that will change me back.

Laser pen?

That's just used
to write...

The wrongs committed
by the evil Dr. Heinous!

Now cover your eyes

so you're not accidentally
blinded by the laser beam.

Accidentally blinded?

[Geneva]:
Can I handle this one?

I'd appreciate it
if you would.

There is no way...

Tornado kick!
Whoosh!

Okay, now cover your eyes.

Fire the laser!

Pew! Pew!

[grunting]: Rrrar!
Mraww! Kkkhhhhh!

Is it working?

You tell me.

Oh, thank goodness!

You're a Salamander again!

I'm going to miss
that handsome face,

but the team needs me.

I told you we were real.

Whoa. The laser pen worked!

Tornado kick!
Woosh!

What was that for?

I'unno.

Okay, how should I move
on the catwalk?

Like this?

Uh... no.

Just walk like you always walk.

Really?
Like this?

Perfect.

Now let's do something
about your makeup.

Let me guess,

you want me
in some girly pink eye shadow

and matching lip gloss.

Actually...

I was thinking no makeup.

Really? I thought models
wore a lot of makeup.

Not all models.

I want your... natural look
to come through.

Fine, but I don't wear
that much makeup.

Okay, but just because
I'm now a model,

don't expect me to buy

into the whole unhealthy,
thin-obsessed culture

and starve myself.

Not at all.

I don't want you to look
anything like those... women.

In fact, I even got you a glass
of thick, rich chocolate milk.

Oh. Thank you.

That is good.

It is good.

Boop!

[♪♪♪]

[Geneva]: Good thinking
with that laser pen.

You really solved
that problem.

[Bowie]: And created
a new one.

I can't believe
I'm close personal friends

with the Samurai Salamanders!

What should we do first?
Should we look for Dr. Heinous?

Should we patrol
the streets of Mega City?

Ooh! Can you do that thing
in the movie

where you leapt off
that skyscraper

and spun your nunchucks
like propeller blades

to float safely
to the ground?

Sure!

[Jarvis]: What are you doing?
You won't survive that fall.

I know.

I just really need
to get away from this kid.

[Knox]:
I know how to get rid of him.

Pew! Pew!

Bah! This laser's out of juice.

Whee!

That's it.
I'm taking off the mask.

I'm starting to smell
like Bowie in here.

Like Bowie!

You can't!
He'll be crushed.

Look, do you think
I enjoy hiding my handsome face?

Sure, I've got a mirror
and a flashlight in here,

but it's not the same.

Give me that!

The mirror?

Why would you want a mirror?

Not the mirror.
The flashlight!

Gasp! Look!
The Salamander Signal!

Yes!

We are needed
at an emergency.

There is a bad...

crime thing happening at...

a place that's not here!

Let's go!

Uh...
it's an underwater crime.

Amphibians only.

If you came with us,
you'd drown.

If the kid
wants to go...

Will I ever see you again?

[together] No!

We mean... unless
you have a problem.

Then we'll be
here for you.

[sighing in relief]

[elevator dings]

An untied shoe
is not a real problem.

[♪♪♪]

Ahh...

Feels good to pee
in my own clothes again.

And it's nice not to wear
that mask anymore.

So much easier this way.

I will not miss that kid.

None of us will.

He's right there!

You again!

What are you talking about?
We've never met.

Oh, yeah.
Right.

You, for the first time!

What can we do for you?

Other than call your mommy
and beg her to pick you up?

I'm looking for the
Samurai Salamanders.

They're dead.

...Serious about
fighting crime.

That's why they're not here.

They told me I should come back
if I ever had a problem.

And I have a problem.

Yeah, it's called
pathological neediness.

Am I right, Jarvis?
Come on, Jarvis, back me up.

I'm right, right?

Don't just stand there!
I need you right now!

Well, I can give
the Salamanders a message.

What's your problem, kid?

You know that collector's
item action figure

I stood in line
all morning to get?

Yeah?

Timmy took it!

Timmy?
Who's Timmy?

Timmy's the toughest guy
in my neighbourhood.

He's such a meanie!

He and his friends stole
the action figure,

then rode off
on their bikes!

[sighs]

Okay, you tell Timmy
and his friends to come by,

and we'll make sure
the Samurai Salamanders

are here to handle it.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you!

What are you doing?

Signaling the Salamanders.

If you know a better way
to get them here, I'm listening.

Does everything fit okay?

[Piper]:
Yeah, perfectly!

It's like this stuff
is made for my body type.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

So how do I look?

Spiffy.

But have some more
chocolate milk.

No, that's fine
I've had enou...

I have had
so much chocolate milk,

I'd better use the ladies' room
before the photo shoot.

The ladies' room?
But there are mirrors in there!

Jarvis designed
this place.

Most of the rooms
have mirrors.

Anyway, I've
really got to go.

No! You can't!
There's no time!

It'll just take a second.

[ripping]

Ahh!

I'll be in the ladies' room.

[girls scream]

No need to get violent.

We can talk this out,
man to man.

[Bowie]:
I can't believe

we're wearing
these costumes again.

[Geneva gasps]

I can't believe I accidentally
put on Bowie's!

Look, I know it's a pain,

but when Timmy and his friends
come,

we'll just tell them
stealing is wrong.

Maybe we'll help a bad kid
turn his life around

and become a good person.

Timmy and his friends
are on the way!

Well, I hope they
get here quickly.

They will!
They're on their bikes.

[motorbike revs]

I'm Timmy.

I hear some salamanders
wanted to talk to us?

[Jarvis]: Well, you must have
the wrong place.

We're frogs.

Ribbit!

[Bowie]: Ribbit.

[Knox]: Ribbit.

[Geneva]: Quack.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[Jarvis]: Ribbit.

[Bowie]: Ribbit.
[Knox]: Ribbit.

[Geneva]: Quack.

What are you guys doing?
You're the Samurai Salamanders!

[Knox]: No, we're not.
We're frogs.

I mean...

Ribbit ribbit.
Ribbit ribbit.

[Jarvis]: The kid is right.
We're not frogs.

[Bowie]: What?

Are you telling me
I just ate a fly for nothing?

Roller coaster!

Classic car desk!

Ample motorcycle parking!

This place is cool!

You know what isn't cool?

[Geneva]: Bowie?

Stealing!

You took
this kid's action figure...

sir.

That's nothing compared
to what we're about to take.

Boys, welcome to
our new hangout!

[cheering]

You can't stay here, Timmy.

Oh, I think we can.

And if you got
a problem with that,

you can take it up with Stevie,
Billy, Jeffy, and Joshie!

You tricked me
into posing as a male model!

Well, I have news for you...

[screaming] I'm a girl!

I'm sorry,
but I had no choice.

It's not like I could model
the clothes myself.

What are you talking about?

I was always the shortest kid
in my grade.

Okay, in all the grades.

That's why I taught myself
to sew.

I wanted to make clothes
that fit me,

so maybe, just maybe,

the other kids
would stop laughing.

Well, I guess
they're going to laugh again,

because it looks
like I'll have to model these.

I feel awful.

Whoa!

[laughs]

Okay, now I feel worse.

Hey! Yeah!

[Geneva]: Jarvis,
aren't you going to stop them?

Nah!

They're just having
a little harmless fun.

[Timmy]: Hey!

Help me put on this sunscreen.

And make sure
you really get it

in between
the layers of back fat.

Harmless, disgusting fun.

[Bowie]: Can we at least
take off our masks?

That kid isn't even here.

And let these guys
see our faces?

You better not
have missed a spot.

I have a very fair complexion!

[Knox]:
We've got to do something.

These guys have gotten violent.

What did they do to you?

To me?
Nothing.

But one of them
sat on Mmm-boing.

[low, flat boing]

That's terrible.
But there's nothing we can do.

What do you mean,
"There's nothing we can do?"

We're the Samurai Salamanders!
You said so yourself!

Uh... Knox?

The Samurai Salamanders
aren't real.

Right. We're unreal!

Now let's go kick Timmy's butt!

Well, I guess that's better
than putting sunscreen on it.

[♪♪♪]

This is going to be
the mother of all bike seats!

Mostly because
it looks like my mother.

But first, let's beat up
that old guy!

[bikers mutter in agreement]

[Jarvis]: Not so fast!

You'll have to deal with
the Samurai Salamanders first!

Hammer fist!

[Knox]: Razor strike!

[Geneva]: Tornado kick!

[Bowie]: Pee-pee dance!

You must remember
the way of the Samurai...

potty before karate.

Hiyah!

You think this is
gonna scare us?

Because it did!

Don't hurt us!

We'll go!
We'll go!

[engines start]

[engine fails to turn over]

You keep it!

You did it!
You stopped Timmy!

We did...
somehow.

I guess those bullies
weren't that tough.

Maybe no one ever stood up
to them before.

I'm just glad

we don't have to be
the Samurai Salamanders anymore.

[click]

Guys, look!

Who's holding the flashlight?

Nobody.

What are you talking about?

Bowie's holding the flashlight.

Yeah, I said "nobody."

Who's more of a nobody
than Bowie?

[♪♪♪]

Aster, I couldn't
sleep last night.

I felt awful
about how we left things.

Uh-huh.

I never realized that
when you're catty and mean

and insulting
and hurtful and rude

and disrespectful
and vicious and biting

and... did I say rude?

That you're really just masking
your own pain.

So I'll do the photo shoot.

You're too late.

Really?

I'm sorry you didn't get
your designs in the magazine.

No, I did!

I modeled the clothes,

and the editor loved the baggy,
oversized, ill-fitting look!

He said
it was the next "big" thing.

And he said it like it was
a great joke, so I laughed.

There's no way
anyone's gonna dress like that.

Ha ha! Look at
this guy's outfit.

It's so yesterday!

Whoa!

[♪♪♪]

[clock ticking]

The long three-day wait
is finally over,

and this exclusive Samurai
Salamanders action figure

is now available in stores!

But hurry, it will only be sold
for a limited time!

[music stops]

And then, shortly after that,

will be sold again
for an unlimited time!

Get your rare collector's
edition action figure today!

Because once it's sold out...

we'll make more,
and then sell those!

[kids cheer]

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The "P" stands for

"Plastic is cheap
and available to us

in virtually unlimited
quantities."

[♪♪♪]