Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 3 - Just Like a Baby - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

All right...

[all cheering]

-Whoo!
-Oh, yeah!

Oh, no! I forgot
something on the roof.

-What?
-I don't know.

Forgot what I forgot.

Anyway...

it's an excuse
to ride the rollercoaster!

[laughter]

Didn't this thing
used to go faster?



I asked Mrs. Bubkes

to take the coaster
car to clean it.

She should
be back by now.

[groaning]

Maybe she's upstairs.

I'll take the coaster
and go find her.

Knox... there's
no coaster car.

You'll have to wait
for Mrs. Bubkes.

[groaning]
Oh...

I know you're not
happy about it,

but you'll
have to wait!

My back!

Oh! There you are,
Mrs. Bubkes!

But in English,
when we return,



we don't say "my back,"

we say "me back."

Whoa! Someone's
expecting a baby.

Well, it didn't arrive today.

All the mail lady has
is that envelope.

[crying out]: Little help?

You're right, Mrs. Bubkes.

She's pregnant.

We should give her
a little help.

[audience laughing]

-Okay, we got it.
-Easy...

[all overlapping]

My left or your left?
Your left? Okay.

Ohh!

-Whew.
-We did it!

Although we could've used
a sixth pair of hands...

Mrs. Bubkes.

Huh... where'd she go?

I'll check the roof.

[thud]

[Mrs. Bubkes groans loudly]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪♪

[lawnmower running]

I'm sorry, Mrs. Bubkes.

You're doing all that work
mowing the grass,

and I'm just sitting here.

I'll get up
so you can also mow the couch.

Hey, guys! The mail lady
delivered her baby this morning.

Who'd she deliver it to?

Herself!

Seems like
a waste of postage.

Well, I'm glad
we were able to help her.

She was pregnant.

We'd do anything
to help a pregnant woman.

[to herself, as Candace]:
Anything?

[speaking Meeskatanian]

...Felt kick.

Someone kicked you?

Who kicked Mrs. Bubkes?

[speaking Meeskatanian]

...Feel nauseous...

You're nauseous?

I see what's going on.

You ate too much.

[speaking Meeskatanian]

...Baby inside!

You ate
a whole live baby?

You deserve
to be kicked!

Bubkes pregnant!

You're pregnant?

At your age?

[speaking Meeskatanian]
Bubkes 35!

Right... That's what
I would've guessed.

Not me!

I mean, Mrs. Bubkes looks
almost as old as Candace,

who's got to be
at least 70.

[snaps]: Candace also 35!

Mrs. Bubkes,
if you're pregnant,

you should let us
help you with your work.

[speaking Meeskatanian]

...Okay.

Good. Now let me
take over for you.

[fires up the lawnmower]

[audience laughing]

[thud]

[♪♪♪]

What are you doing?

I heard
Mrs. Bubkes is pregnant.

I want to get her
a baby gift.

Ooh! How about
this pop-up book?

Never mind. It's broken.

[smash]

Knox, if you want to
get Bubkes a baby gift,

Knickknack makes a doll
called "Just Like a Baby."

Whoa! It is just like a baby.

Whee-ee-ee!

[bop]

[whining]: Ow!

Huh. You're just like
a baby too.

Whee-ee-ee!

[thud]

You know, we don't sell
a lot of these dolls.

Other than to
construction companies.

We should create
a more lifelike doll.

Knox, how 'bout you and I
make a baby together?

I'm flattered, Bowie,
but I'll pass.

I mean, you and I
should design

a brand-new, ultra-
realistic baby doll.

I know what you mean,

I just don't want to spend
that much time with you.

Look at me.
I'm doing work!

I have to say,

it feels really good
to help another person.

Could you please pass me
that spray bottle?

Get it yourself!

Mrs. Bubkes,
I've been thinking,

and I want to talk to
you about a shower.

Jarvis! You've got to
bring these things up gently.

It's not her fault she smells
like cat food and tears.

I meant a baby shower.

Good idea.

I bet her baby
will smell too.

Not that kind
of shower.

He's talking about throwing
a party for Mrs. Bubkes

where we shower her
with gifts.

...Like soap.

And don't worry,
Mrs. Bubkes.

Since you're pregnant,

we'll do all the work
and clean up afterward.

Okay.

Great, we'll invite
everyone here.

And do you have
any friends?

No.

Well, you must have
one friend.

Right! The saleslady
at the ugly dress store.

I mean
the baby's father.

Who is he?

Uh...

Mr. Bubkes!

Well, Mr. Bubkes

definitely has to
come to the shower.

He does?

Of course.

We want to
meet your husband.

Yeah, I didn't even
know you were married.

See, Piper?

There's hope for everyone.

[♪♪♪]

Knox, I'm glad
you decided to design

this new doll
with me after all.

Well, it's not like
I had a choice.

Sure you did.
You could've not done it.

Aw!

Anyway,
I've got to say,

you and I made
a beautiful baby.

I don't know.

It doesn't look much more
realistic than this doll.

Turn it on.

Not the brick!

There's a reason it's called
a "belly button."

[doll whirs to life]

[laughter]

Wow!

I can't wait
to meet Mr. Bubkes.

You think he's anything
like Mrs. Bubkes?

[elevator dings]

[deep voice]:
Hullo.

[laughter]

Not at all.

Mr. Bubkes wears a hat.

Mr. Bubkes,
it's great to meet you.

I'm Jarvis.

I run Knickknack Toys.

[speaking Meeskatanian]

...Meester Big-Shot!

You don't speak
English either?

Too bad. That
would've made things

so much easier.

Yeah.

So where's
Mrs. Bubkes?

Ohh!
[speaking Meeskatanian]

Uh, projectile vomiting.

She's not
feeling well?

Oh, that's too bad.

Should we postpone
the shower

until you can
both be here?

No, this was good.

Bye-bye.

Wait!

We planned all sorts of fun...

music, games, gifts...

Ohh...

It's all baby stuff.

Oh.

Of course they all come
with gift receipts,

in case you want
to exchange them

for other baby stuff.

Or return them
for cash.

Oh! Ho-ho!

[baby crying]

Well, we said
we wanted to make

a realistic baby.

It's not
that realistic.

There's
no "off" button.

How do you get a baby
to stop crying?

You rock it.

Okay.

[imitates
electric guitar wailing]

Whee-hoo-hoo-oo!

[baby cries]

It's not working.

Maybe the baby's
more of a drum?

No!

Maybe it just
needs some air.

Oh... it's
an inflatable doll?

[takes a deep breath]

[blowing a belly-raspberry]

Just take it outside!

Wow, you're upset.

I know how
to calm you down.

[imitates
electric guitar wailing]

Whee-hoo-ah-hoo-ah-hoo!

Huh...

I actually do feel calmer.

[baby fusses, then giggles]

It worked!

The doll stopped crying.

Maybe it's enjoying
the change of scenery.

I'm also enjoying
the scenery.

Excuse me, Miss.
Can you move?

I'm trying to
enjoy the scenery.

Sorry, I'm just lost.

I'm looking for
the Pellizzoni Modeling Agency.

[coos]

Well, hello there!
You are just so cute.

Thank you.
I get that a lot.

You are just so tiny

with your little
piglet toes.

Thank you.
I get that a lot.

I just want
to pick you up!

-Go for it!
-Okay!

[baby cooing]

[both]: I knew she wasn't
talking about you.

You are just so much fun.

I'd let you
play with her,

but she needs
a recharge.

I see. It's naptime.

Maybe I could
come back later

to play with you
and your baby sister?

My baby sister?

Yes! My baby sister.

The one I'm holding
in my arms right now.

Because she is so real
and so related to me.

But Bowie, that's not...

Something you should interrupt?
True.

See you later
for our playdate.

This is great!
We didn't just make a baby.

We made a baby magnet.

You mean "babe magnet."

No. Baby magnet.

[coos]

And as a bonus,
that gorgeous model is into it.

Because as everyone knows,
girls love magnets!

We thought
since it's a baby shower,

we could sing some traditional
Meeskatanian children's songs.

Everybody, sing along!

...Goat bladder.

Mr. Bubkes, you don't
seem to know the words.

But this is the most
popular lullaby

in Meeskatania.

All Meeskite babies
grow up listening to it.

And the fact
that you don't know it

can only mean one thing...

You need to learn it!

Yeah!
You're gonna be a dad!

[speaking Meeskatanian]

...Gift now?

Not yet!

We've got more baby shower fun
planned.

Check out
this app I made.

It combines pictures of
two people to show them

what their future
child will look like.

For kicks,
let's try it on...

tsk, oh,
I don't know...

Jarvis and me.

[shutter snaps]

[laughter]

Try it
with me and Geneva.

No!

Let's try it
on you, Mr. Bubkes.

Oh.

And there's a picture
of Mrs. Bubkes on here.

Your future child
will look like...

Whoa.

[laughter]

Don't worry, Mr. Bubkes.
It's just a silly novelty app.

Yeah, I'm sure

you won't be cursed
with a child this hideous.

[baby cooing]

Does this tie say "date me"?

No. That tie says

"I'm a sneaky weasel

who stabs his friends
in the back."

I'm just guessing.
I don't speak "Tie."

Now, now, Knox.

Jealousy doesn't
look good on you.

And neither does that tank top.

Have you considered

a short-sleeve dress shirt
with a tie?

She thinks that doll
is a real baby,

and you're using it
to trick her into dating you.

That is wrong on so many levels!

I should be using it
to trick her into dating me!

Oh... it's actually only wrong
on that one level.

Sorry, man.
She's a cover model.

If a guy like me
dates a girl like that,

I might actually get some...
free magazines!

[♪♪♪]

Well, that baby shower
was a huge success.

Yeah, Mr. Bubkes
seemed really happy

to have those gifts.

He was so excited,

he accidentally tried
to take my purse too!

Hullo!

Mrs. Bubkes,
you're back!

I'm so glad
you're feeling better.

I'm sorry
you were sick.

But now
you look much...

Like you usually look.

Did you like all
the baby gifts we got you?

Yes.

Mrs. Bubkes...

where did you get
all this money?

Uh... gift receipts.

But I thought you said
you liked the gifts.

Why did
you return them?

Uh...

[speaking Meeskatanian]

Mr. Bubkes...
[speaking Meeskatanian]

...No job.

Anyway. Work to do.

Mrs. Bubkes,

you haven't been doing
any cleaning around here.

Bubkes pregnant!

No, I know.

And you shouldn't be
doing any work.

But we don't have time
to do it for you.

That's why I want Mr. Bubkes
to fill in for you!

[snaps, as Candace]:
What?

That's a great idea!

We need help around here,

you guys need extra money
with the baby coming...

Oh... Oh, no.

[speaking Meeskatanian]

Don't be ridiculous.

We're going to help you
with this.

And I won't take...
[speaking Meeskatanian]

...for an answer!

Here.

Call Mr. Bubkes

and tell him
the good news.

Now?

Yes, right now.

Oh.

[buttons beeping]

[beeping]

[beep]

[beep-beep-beep...]

[beep]

[speaking Meeskatanian
and giggling]

...Exciting news!

Oh.

[giggling and babbling]

...Not hanky-panky.

Oh! [speaking
Meeskatanian]

...Knickknack...

[speaking Meeskatanian]

New job! [giggles]

[speaking Meeskatanian]
...Great kids!

Ya.

Love you.

Braca da coco.

Braca da coco.

Braca da coco...

I'll braca da coco.

[♪♪♪]

I'm so glad we gave
Mr. Bubkes a job.

Yeah, we're really
making his life better.

[groaning intensely]

I asked Mr. Bubkes

to re-clean
the coaster car.

For some reason,

the bottom was covered
in blood and hair.

[muttering as Candace]:
I can't win.

Now I'm dressed like
a Meeskatanian woman

dressed like
a Meeskatanian man

carrying 900 blood-soaked pounds
on my back.

It's so cute how

Mr. Bubkes mutters
under his breath

the exact same way
as Mrs. Bubkes.

Hey there!
I'm here for our playdate.

That's such
a long word to say.

You can just shorten it
to "date."

Anyway, I thought

we could have a little bit
of privacy

if we went in here.

Aren't you going
to bring the baby?

Oh, yeah. Of course.

Good.

Because, for a second there,

I thought you were after
the thing all guys are after.

Right. Magazines.

Why don't
we make ourselves comfortable?

If you subscribe
to that idea.

I really want to play
with the baby.

She's so quiet.
Is she sleeping?

[gasps] Oh no!
Where's the baby?

Uhh...

this is the baby!

She's a really heavy sleeper.

Did you have a good nap, sis?

[smooch]

[grumbling] Ahh!

You're a genius, Candace.

Next time maybe you could
introduce those brats

to the whole family.

Have you seen
Mrs. Bubkes?

I want to tell her

what a good job
her husband is doing.

She must be
in the shed.

Uh-oh.

[gasps]

Mrs. Bubkes, are you...

[panting and wheezing]

Oh!

[sniffs] You smell like
Mr. Bubkes's cologne.

And your lipstick's
all smeared.

Oh. Bubkes explain!

No need!

You are
two married adults.

Yeah. If you want
to kiss at work,

that's your business.

[loudly]: Anyway, Mr. Bubkes,
when you're...free,

I need you to scale the outside
of the building

and clean the coaster track.

No.

I get it, Mrs. Bubkes.

You want to do it yourself

because you love
your job so much.

But we want to
see you relaxing

while Mr. Bubkes does
all the hard work.

I'm sorry, that's just
the way it's gonna be

until the baby comes.

Baby coming!

We've got to
find that baby!

[Knox]: I've got a baby.

Oh, thank goodness.

You found
my baby sister!

Nope. This is my baby sister.
See?

[cooing]

So, should we
have a playdate?

Although,
now that I say it,

that's such
an unnecessarily long word.

That's my baby sister.

She's just wearing
Knox's dumb clothes.

That's my baby sister.

Give her back
Knox's dumb clothes!

Fine. Then give me
back the baby!

Forget it!
She's mine!

-Let go!
-You let go!

[whoosh]

You monsters!

And to think I was going to
give you guys free magazines!

[both groaning]

Wait. Did
she say magazines?

Come on, Mrs. Bubkes.

We've got to get you
to the hospital.

[speaking Meeskatanian]
...Go home!

Don't be silly, Mrs. Bubkes.

The hospital has
everything you need.

Doctors, nurses...

Soap.

I know you're nervous,

but we'll
stay by your side

until the baby's born.

[frustrated sigh]

Wait!
Where's Mr. Bubkes?

We should
go find him.

No time.
We have to go now.

He's the father!

He can't miss
the birth of his child.

The most important thing
is getting her to the hospital

before the baby comes!

[baby cooing]

Baby here.

Wow.

That was the easiest
delivery ever.

She's so cute!
Can I hold her?

[magnetic field hums]

Okay.

Congratulations,
Mrs. Bubkes.

And don't worry, when you're
ready to come back to work,

Mr. Bubkes can
keep his job too.

[speaking Meeskatanian]

Mr. Bubkes... stay-at-home dad.

Oh, thank goodness!

There you are.

You are so adorable.

[other three]:
Thank you. I get that a lot.

♪ You can feed her ♪

♪ And put her to bed ♪

♪ Just like a baby ♪

♪ She's small and cuddly
and hard and red ♪

♪ Just like a baby ♪

♪ She can send a message ♪

♪ Or kill a mouse ♪

[thud]

♪ You can even use her
to build a doll house ♪

♪ Just like a baby ♪

"Just Like a Baby,"
from Knickknack.

Mortar sold separately.

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The "P"
stands for "Playdate."

Wow! That's a long word.

[♪♪♪]