Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 17 - K-Kube - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

[Jarvis]: Previously
on Some Assembly Required...

But I need advice

on what kind of gift
to get...

this guy I like.

Tell me about him.

Well, he's smart,
and cool, and handsome...

Really, really handsome.

I know it's hard
to tell that special someone

how you feel.

So let me be the one
to say it.



You love me.

Bowie, I don't love you.

Yeah, you do.

You said it yourself.

The guy you're into is smart,
cool and handsome.

Who else could you
possibly be talking about?

Fine. It is you.
Can I go now?

What's your rush,
Snugglepumpkin?

[♪♪♪]

So, what do you
want to do today,

Snugglepumpkin?

Chew my arm off
at the elbow

and sneak away.

Sneaking away together
would be fun,



as would chewing
on our elbows,

but we have to work.

We can still have
lunch together.

Yay...

I don't believe my eyes.

I also don't believe
my cheekbones.

I'm pretty!

Hey, Jarvis.

I was wondering
if I could have next month off.

Urgh!
I can't do this!

Sure you can.

A month sounds like
a long time to take off,

but I wouldn't be
missing any work,

since I don't do any
when I'm here.

Aah! I hate this puzzle!

It's not really
much of a puzzle.

There are only
two possible answers.

"Yes, you can have
the month off,"

or "Tell you what,
take two months off."

Would you stop
playing with that

and pay attention
to my unreasonable demands?

Sorry.

I've been trying
to solve that K-Kube

since I got up
this morning...

which, given that I
rode my bike to work,

was probably not
the safest move.

It's impossible!

Here you go.

How did you do that?

I just held it out,
and you took it.

No, not give it
back to me.

How did you solve it?

I don't know.

I guess I'm just good
at solving things.

Anyway, I have
a letter to mail.

Oh... silly me.
It's turned the wrong way.

Hmm...

[straining]

[straining]

Don't worry, I'll get it.

I've still got two weeks
'til my month off.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
who-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

So, are you ready
for our lunch date?

No.

I see.

You'd rather just
park here for a while.

You know what?
Let's have lunch.

Sounds delightful,
my dear.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

Nothing.
We're just...

Dating.
On a date.

Because we're
dating.

Isn't it cute

how we finish each
other's sentences?

You're dating?
That's...

A living nightmare?

Nice!

Wow, you two

do not finish each
other's sentences.

Because
you're not dating.

Because we're dating.

On a dating date.

[bang]

Anyway, shall we
have lunch?

I planned a picnic.

You know, that
actually might be nice.

Oh, it will be...

because we'll be
picnicking

like those who
enjoy picnics most...

Ants!

[groans]

Look at these chumps,

having a lame,
un-ant-like picnic.

Come my, queen.

[scuttling]

You know what?
I'm not hungry.

I ate a beetle carcass earlier.

Sounds like my queen is eager
to get to the courtship ritual.

Eww.

Don't worry.
Ants don't mate like people.

That's gross.

They attract the queen

by secreting an
irresistible odour.

[grunting]

[banging]

See?
I'm a problem solver.

Geneva, I looked
up the record

for solving a K-Kube.

It's 22 seconds.

Wow. That's fast.

You solved it in 19!

And that's...?

Faster.

Oh, cool.

Who held the old record?

Not "who."
"What."

The official record is held
by Kubot,

a K-Kube-solving robot

some engineering students
built.

Why are you telling me?
What cares?

No, just that one "who"
was a "what."

All "whos" aren't "whats" now.

The point is,

no one wants to buy or play
with K-Kube anymore.

Because it's too easy?

No!

Because people used to try
to beat their best times

and compete with each other,

but no one could beat the robot,
so people just lost interest.

Oh...

like me with this conversation.

You don't get it.

You can beat Kubot!

[Announcer]: 22 seconds!
A new record!

[cheering]

[robotic voice]
Give it up, loser.

You will never beat Kubot
with your puny human brain.

That's it, cry.

It is the one thing
you can do

that robots cannot.

Not that we ever need to,

since we are awesome
and you stink.

Ha, ha, to infinity.

I think you can beat
that trash-talking robot!

You would think that,
you silly ding dong!

Not at trash talking.

At K-Kube.

We can hold a tournament.

Woman versus machine.

If people see that
you can defeat Kubot,

maybe they'll start
buying K-Kubes again.

What's in it for me?

Uh...

bragging rights?

Nah.
I don't like to brag.

In fact, I am the best
at not bragging.

No one brags
less than me.

No one!

Okay, I'll do it.

This can't go on
any longer.

My making fun
of your hair,

your clothes,
your face?

I think it can.

I'm talking
about dating Bowie.

Yeah.
I heard about that.

It's awesome!

I get to laugh
at each of you

for dating
each of you!

[giggles]

Well, not for long.

I'm breaking up with him.

Hey, Piper.

That skirt looks
really good on you.

What just happened?

Jarvis saw me
on a date with Bowie,

and now he's seeing me
in a new light.

Given that he
complimented that outfit,

you'd think he
saw you in no light.

Jarvis never
thought of me

as "someone you date"

because I never
dated anyone.

Because I was
waiting for him.

And because
of all the other reasons.

I think
because I'm dating Bowie,

for the first time,

Jarvis sees me
as girlfriend material.

You know, this
"lost in thought" thing

is not working for me.

You've missed
some really first-rate slams!

If this continues,
Jarvis might even get jealous.

Here's something
I never thought I, or any girl,

would ever say,

but dating Bowie
is the best thing

that ever happened to me.

So you're not
gonna dump him?

No! We can't break up now!

Sorry, babe,
we're breaking up.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Bowie, wait!

You can't break
up with me.

You're right.
I can't break up with you.

Because
we're not dating.

Because I already
broke up with you.

If I wanted to
break up with you now,

I'd have to start
dating you again...

And there is no way
I'm doing that!

But I'm your snugglepumpkin!

Here's the thing
about pumpkins.

You use them
once a year,

and then you
throw them away.

Or you can make a pie!

I can be your
snugglepumpkin pie!

Please give me
another chance!

Sorry, Piper.
I'm leaving.

And crack a window.

The stench
of desperation

is hanging thick
in the air.

Also, while we were
talking, I farted.

I guess he's the one
that got away...

but left
a little something

lingering behind.

I can't believe
he dumped me.

I had this whole plan

to use him
to get Jarvis!

Oh well.
Not much you can do.

Yes, there is!

I'm going to
win Bowie back

by using my
feminine charms.

[hyperventilates]

Okay, you just
described yourself

using both the words
"feminine" and "charms."

I'm going into some sort
of zinger overload!

I don't even know
where to begin!

Okay, you ready?

Here goes.

Darn it!
Too much preamble.

[♪♪♪]

[blows whistle]

Come on!
Warm up those fingers!

[cracking joints]

They need to be limber!

They need to be loose!

They need to be agile!

They need to make juice!

Your fingers
need to be strong!

Really strong!

Really, really strong!

[whistle blows]

Good! Now do it all again!

If you're going to win
this tournament,

you're going to need to train
every waking minute

until you...

Hey! Put me back!

I wasn't finished!

[♪♪♪]

Bowie, could you come
to my office, please?

There's something
I want you to see.

[door opens and closes]

Hey, Piper.
What did you want to show me?

This.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Bowie ♪

♪ My heart's all doughy ♪

♪ I'm feelin' lowie ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Bowie ♪

♪ Alaska's snowy ♪

♪ A baby kangaroo
is called a Joey ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Yes, I do ♪

♪ It's really true ♪

♪ Bowie ♪

♪ I love you ♪

So... what do you think?

I think...

your floor is a mess!

♪ Bubkes ♪

♪ Thanks for cleaning up-kes ♪

♪ Piper's filthy office ♪

♪ She's a slob ♪

Geneva, wake up.

Wake up!

[coin rattles]

[game starts noisily]

Oh, I was having
the most amazing dream.

You were dead.

Why are you sleeping?

You need to get back
to your training!

I've trained enough!
I'm exhausted.

Your time is getting better,
but it's still not good enough.

Luckily, I have an idea.

I think you can shave an eighth
of a second off your time

if you cut off your fingernails.

What?

Solving the K-Kube
used to be fun,

but you've made it
miserable.

And now you want it
to be miserable

without pretty nails?

Forget it!

I'm not doing
your stupid tournament.

I quit!

[Mmm-boing bounces up]

[game beeps with each score]

Geneva, wait!
You can't quit!

The tournament is today!

Too bad, you
silly ding-dong!

What am I going to do?

You could approach
and greet me.

Or is finding the way here
too difficult a puzzle

for the ball of fat and gristle
you humans call a brain?

Kubot, welcome
to Knickknack.

I'm the owner, Jarvis Raines.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

You should have known
my hand modules

are only programmed
to solve K-Kubes.

Now, where is this
so-called competitor,

Geneva Hayes?

Oh.

She's... uh...

just getting ready.

I am detecting
an increased heart rate,

which means you are
either lying...

or in love with me.

Neither.
Everything's fine.

Geneva will be
at that tournament.

Somehow.

If I can hear
your heart beating,

don't you think

I can hear you say
"somehow?"

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I don't
get it, guys.

The candles,
the song, my dress...

It was so romantic.

But Bowie wouldn't go for me.

That's hardly
a surprise.

Put a tiny sock in it, Aster.

I actually wasn't
slamming you.

I mean because Bowie's...

A weirdo!

Exactly.

Everything that guy does
is weird.

Well, except for not
wanting to date you.

That time,
I was slamming you.

[speaks Meeskatanian]
...zinger!

You're right.

We had a picnic yesterday,
and he acted like an ant.

You're lucky.

We had a barbecue
last summer,

and he acted like Bowie.

So, if I'm going
to woo Bowie,

I need to do something
he would find romantic.

Then he might just
fall for me.

Whoa!

Welcome to Antarctica,
hot stuff.

Well, cold stuff.

Presenting
the Ultimate K-Kube Challenge...

Woman Versus Machine!

Please welcome
the reigning champion,

the one, and thankfully only,
Kubot!

[applause]

That's it,

use your worthless
human hands

to applaud me

since they are incapable

of matching my speed
with a K-Kube.

And now,
welcome the challenger,

the talented and beautiful
Geneva Hayes!

[applause]

Oh, you!

You didn't have
to call me beautiful.

Even though I am beautiful.

Really, really beautiful.

What's going on?

I thought we could have
a romantic dinner.

And everyone knows penguins,
who mate for life,

are the world's most romantic
of the flightless birds.

Unlike those
philandering emus.

Piper, I'm leaving.

Whoa!

[thud]

I'm glad you changed your mind
and decided to stay.

I thought we could have
some delicious raw fish.

You mean like sushi?

No, but that would have been
a good idea.

[Audience]:
Three! Two! One!

[bell rings]

Look over there,
it's R2-D2!

Where?

Done!

I saw that!

I have eye modules

in the back of
my cranial module.

Saw what?

You cheated!

Take off that dress!

Show us your kubes!

Get your hand modules
away from me!

What's going on here?

[slap]

I'm sorry, Geneva.

I didn't know what else to do.

I mean, what's
going on here?

I thought I quit
the tournament.

I'm not you.

I'm Jarvis.

Oh...

And I'm sorry
I was such a mean coach

and took all the fun
out of K-Kube.

I just wanted us
to beat this jerk-bot so badly

that I went a little crazy.

Obviously.

Don't put yourself down.

You look better
in that dress

than she does.

The lab table I was built on
had better legs.

That's it!

The tournament is back on!

Take out
one of your kubes!

Watch this!

Because I won't be able to!

Three!

[Audience]: Two! One!

[bell rings]

You really think
you can...

Done!

Six seconds!
Blindfolded!

A new record!

[applause]

In your face module!

I lost?

But I never lose!

And to think I clipped
my fingernail modules

for nothing!

[cries]

Here.

Thank you.

[cries]

Darn it!

Okay, so you're
not hungry.

We can still have

some romantic
penguin fun!

Like sliding
on our bellies!

I really don't want
to do tha...

aah!

Change your mind
about dinner?

Don't eat too much.

For dessert,
we're having snow cones.

We're out of cones.

Piper, please stop.

I'm not interested in you.

Why not?

I've tried being romantic.
I've tried being weird.

Why won't you go for me?
Am I that repulsive?

No. Not at all.

Then what's wrong with me?

Nothing.

You're... terrific.

You're smart,
you're beautiful,

you've got a great waddle...

Then why won't you
go out with me?

Because...

and he would kill me
if he knew I told you...

Jarvis is in love you.

He is?

He said that?

Many times.

So while I could easily
make you mine,

I couldn't do that
to my best friend.

I hope you understand.

I do. I do!

And I promise
you'll eventually get over me,

even though right now,
it must hurt real, real bad.

Yeah. Totally.

I'm crying on the inside.

Woo-hoo!

I feel bad
making that Jarvis thing up,

but I had to do
something

to get her
off my back.

Anyway, it would
be a shame

to let this awesome dinner date
go to waste!

[speaks Meeskatanian]

Never say no to fish!

Woo-hoo!

I caught one!

[♪♪♪]

[Announcer]:
If you like K-Kube,

then you'll love the new
K-Hexahectaheptacontakaidigon!

With 672 sides

and over 395 septillion
combinations,

you're guaranteed
hours and hours and hours

and hours and hours of fun!

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The "P" stands for puzzle!

[♪♪♪]