Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 16 - Award Show in a Box - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

Okay, let's roll
to see who goes first.

Great. The dice are missing.

No problem.
I'll just roll this.

[grunting]

I need help!

No argument there.

[grunts]

Ugh... [thud]

Well, you may have
punctured a lung,

but you got a six.



That's just how I roll.

[grunts]

Hello?

Oof!

Hey. Hello. Hi there.
How d'ya do?

This is Knickknack Toys,
right?

I need to talk to somebody
about these dolls?

So sue us!

One moment.

Bowie!
Do you know who that is?

Does anyone really know
who anyone really is?

I guess I could've just said no.

That's Jazlyn Simms.
The actress.

She starred in three of
the biggest movies last year.



And every dream I've had
since I was 12!

Miss Simms,
I'm Jarvis Raines.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

I know.

So, what can I do for you?

Keeping in mind
that I own this place, and...

this face.

Anyway.

I love the dresses
on these dolls,

and I have to meet the person
responsible for them.

Well, you're looking at him.

And since
there are two of us here

and you're looking
at both of us,

I'll be more specific.

It was me.

Jarvis, what are
you talking about?

These dresses
were designed by...

I need you to finish
that sentence on the roof.

Okay.

[roller coaster rumbling]

...Aster.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪♪

Ooh, a cake!
What's the occasion?

A funeral.

You baked a cake
for a funeral?

No, I baked
a cake for Jarvis,

but if you touch it,
we're having a funeral.

I made it for Jarvis

because today's
our meetaversary.

The anniversary
of the day we met...

the time our fates
became intertwined,

the magical moment
we will each remember forever.

[whump-thud]

Sorry, dude.

Wow. Sounds like
you made quite an impression.

In his locker door.

The school made me
pay to replace it.

Well, now that I know
what the cake is for,

let me help you.

Thanks, Aster!

Maybe some pretty
flowers next to...

[splat]

What are you doing?

Saving you
from a world of embarrassment.

There is no way Jarvis knows
this is your meetaversary.

Guys don't even remember things
that are real things!

Let alone
the delusional imaginings

of a girl who,
a year after a head trauma,

is still experiencing
reduced brain function.

You're probably right
about Jarvis.

I really thought
today was special.

It is.

It's the day
your good friend Aster

made you realize
no one loves you.

See you in one year
for my cake.

And here's where
I work on my designs

using this...

thread gun.

[laughs]
You're funny.

You know
us designers...

always working on
new "material."

So where do you get inspiration
for your dress designs?

Uh... what inspires me most
are things of great beauty.

Like yourself.

And myself.

Who's that?

Does anyone really know
who anyone really is?

I love his outfit!

I have to go
talk to him about it.

No!

...Need!

No need.

I designed
that outfit too.

The jacket, the shirt,

the... leg shirt.

Aren't they called "pants"?

If you want to sound
like an amateur.

[as Candace]: Hi there.
I'd like to buy some dynamite?

What do you think
is a reasonable answer

for why I'd like to buy
some dynamite?

Strip-mining it is.

Enough to blow up, say,

a seven-storey building
filled with kids?

I mean, a seven-storey
strip-mine.

Filled with kids.

Just send me the dynamite!

Mrs. Bubkes?

[babbling Meeskatanian]

...Can explain.

That won't
be necessary!

I heard you speaking
in Candace's voice.

I can't believe
you've been keeping this secret

from us all this time.

You're great at impressions!

[as Candace]:
Really?

That's what you think
is going on here?

You did it again!

That is dead-on!

[audience laughing]

And this is the rooftop.

Or as we designers call it,

"the building hat."

Listen, Jarvis,

I've really enjoyed
spending the day with you,

which is why I wanted
to ask you something.

I hope that it's
not too forward.

There's no such thing
as "too forward."

Here goes...

So tonight, I'm supposed to
go to the Award Show Awards...

the award show that
awards award shows with awards,

and I'm up for

the Best Award Show
Award Show award

for hosting last year's
Award Show Awards.

Uh-huh?

And I was wondering,

if you're not too busy,
if would you be my...

Yes! Of course I will!

...Designer? Great!

It's so sweet of you

to create a special,
one-of-a-kind dress

for me to wear
on the red carpet!

[sighs] Well...

I guess
I have two options.

Design a dress,

or jump off this building hat.

Now, let's start

by deciding on
the type of dress

you'd like me

to personally design
for you...

by choosing one from
this online dress shop.

Then I'll make you
an outfit

that is everything
that dress is,

and nothing else.

But I want
a Jarvis Raines original.

So do you want to start
by taking my measurements?

Uh... okay.

Don't you want to
use a measuring tape?

No. This way
is much more accurate.

Although
it takes a lot longer.

All right.

I think this fabric
would look good on you.

Hold this.

You know what?

I think we're done.

Let me
just measure it

to make sure
it's the right size.

Making
an outfit for me

is a huge opportunity
for a designer like you,

so stop
kidding around

and get to work
on the real dress.

Okay. I will.

Right after
I go get my...

other thread gun.

This one's...

...Broken.

Hey, Aster.

I need you
to design a dress for me.

Sure.

I'm thinking...

a tight little booty skirt
to give you a "cheeky" look.

Let's start by getting
your measurements.

The dress
isn't for me.

Then who am I designing
this dress for?

-Hmm?
-Is it someone I know?

You've...
seen her around.

Let's just say...

she's a really
special girl.

Well, I'll need to see her
before I design the dress.

No!

I mean, you can't,

because...

it's a surprise gift.

And I need it
for a special event

that's happening
today.

[hushed]: Jarvis does know
it's our meetaversary!

And he's having a dress
made for me.

I've got to get him
something great.

And make him a card.

Because, for some reason,

none of the stores carry
"meetaversary" cards.

Come on, Jarvis,
between us guys,

who's this special girl?

[sighs]

Okay, the truth is,
it's for...

my grandma.

It's her 80th birthday.

You want to give
your grandmother a dress?

Yes! And it needs
to be gorgeous.

She's really hot.

Because she lives in Florida.

All right.

One spectacular dress,
coming up.

She's going to love it.

I hate it!

Why? Is it the wrong size?

Let me re-measure you.

It's a little
old-fashioned.

It feels like something
my grandma would wear.

Well, if she would wear
a racy dress like this,

she must be hot!

She is.

She lives in Florida.

I think we need to
make some changes.

What if
we made it shorter,

more form-fitting,
with a plunging neckline?

Okay.

I mean, no!

That's a lot of changes.

So? Why is that a problem?

Because...

designer types,
of which I am one,

are really sensitive
and emotional.

Criticism like this
can make us go berserk.

You seem fine.

That's it!

In all my years
as a designer,

I have never been
treated so shabbily!

I cannot work
like this.

I will not
work like this!

Too bad, because
I was going to do

something for you
in return.

Really? What?

Well, I have two tickets
to the awards tonight, and...

Oh! Yes.
Of course I will!

Wait.
Finish that sentence.

...And I wanted you
to go as my date.

Yes! Of course I will!

Get you all those changes.

Really? Great!

I was worried when you said
you "will not work like this."

It was a joke.

I was acting.

In fact, they should
give me the award

for Best Performance for
a Best Award Show Award Show

award-nominated
award show host.

[as Candace]: Can you
please get out of here

and go bother someone else?

All right,
enough Candace impressions.

I love the way

you capture her
mean-spirited buffoonishness,

and you've even got
her unpleasant odour down,

but do someone else.

Do Jarvis!

[as Candace]:
Ooh, look at me.

I'm a snot-nosed brat

who stole a company
from a hard-working,

extraordinarily beautiful
young woman.

That doesn't sound
like Jarvis at all.

[as Candace]: I'm handsome.
Really, really handsome.

That is so Jarvis!

Who else can you do?

[disgusted sigh]:
Ugh... I hate my life.

Piper! You're doing
Piper, right?

I've got to find

the perfect meetaversary gift
for Jarvis.

Maybe Aster has some ideas.

That's it!

In all my years
as a designer,

I have never been
treated so shabbily!

I cannot work like this!

I will not
work like this!

He seems busy.

Bowie, I need
some advice.

Sure.

When you think
something on the floor

is a candy
and not a bug,

check again.

It's probably a bug.

I ate a bug.

Good tip...

but I need advice
on what kind of gift to get...

this guy I like.

Tell me about him.

Well, he's smart
and cool and handsome.

[dreamily]: Really,
really handsome.

How about a cake?

No. It's got to
be better than that.

I really like this guy.

Well, don't worry.

I'll come up with something
this mystery guy will love.

[ding]

Thanks, Bowie.
You're the best.

Smart, cool, and handsome.

There's only one guy around here
who fits that description.

Me.

Ooh! A candy!

Stop moving, candy!

How could your
grandmother not like it?

That dress
screamed "stylish"!

I made it scream everything,

because a lot of grandmothers
have trouble hearing.

Okay, the truth is,
I made the whole thing up.

The dress isn't for my grandma.

She's a nudist.

It's for a girl I like.

I just said
it was for my grandma

because I thought
you'd be more likely

to help out
a sweet old lady.

Why didn't you say so?

Sure, I don't like
changing my designs,

but I would
to help a dude land a babe!

Bros before clothes.

Great.
She wears a size...

Uh-uh. No way.

I'm not sewing a stitch
until you bring me this girl.

I refuse to design an outfit

for someone
I haven't seen in person.

Although I'm glad
I relaxed that policy

now that I know
your grandmother's a nudist.

[girlish voice]:
Excuse me?

I'm looking for
someone named Aster?

[audience laughing]

Am I really expected
to believe this?

Jarvis is dating a girl
as beautiful as you?

Why is that
a surprise?

Jarvis is handsome.

Really,
really handsome.

So he says.

Anyway, before
I start on your dress,

I'm gonna need to
take your measurements.

36.

28.

36.

Wow!

That's my bike lock combination.

You shouldn't have
told me that.

It's okay.
I don't think you steal bikes.

Only men's hearts.

Are you sketching the dress?

[as himself]: So I can get out
of this uncomfortable situation?

And this uncomfortable bra!

This isn't a sketch.

It's my phone number.

Call me when
you're done with Jarvis

and are ready for a real man.

[smooches the note]

[audience laughing]

So, what have
you got for me?

I know what
you've got for me.

A bad case of the "Bowies."

Bowie? The gift?

You were gonna tell me what
I should get... this special guy.

Do you know what he'd like?

Yes, I do.

A necktie and a child's
size medium dress shirt.

I want it to be
something really special.

Something he'd never
get for himself.

Well, if you're really
into this guy...

and I can tell that you are...

don't buy him something.

Give him something
only you can give him.

Something that will
make him feel loved.

Something that
will really touch his soul.

Thanks, Bowie!

I think I know
just the thing.

Hope she got that
I was asking for a foot rub,

because that would really
touch my sole.

It would also touch my heel,
my toes, and my bunions.

That's it!

In all my years as a designer,

I have never been
treated so shabbily!

I cannot work like this!

I will not
work like this!

Your Aster is even better
than your Bowie!

[laughs]
And your Bowie was flawless.

Which is weird,

because Bowie
has a lot of flaws.

All right,
check this one out.

[high voice]:
Hi, I'm Geneva.

I never do any work.

I just skip
around in a circle

and expect everyone
to do everything for me.

Wow.

That is so...

insulting!

I'm nothing like that!

I'm not going to stand here

and be ridiculed like this.

I'm leaving!

[bam]

Why didn't anyone
open the door for me?

[thud]

[announcer]: We're live

from the Award Show Awards
Award-Winning Award Show Awards!

Security is tight

because anyone who is anyone
is here!

[boing-boing-boing
boing]

[boing]

[shutters snapping]

[boing]

[announcer]: And here comes

last year's Award Show Awards'

award-winning
Award Show Awards host,

Jazlyn Simms!

And she's here
with some arm candy!

My mistake.
That was a bug.

She's also here
with some guy.

[paparazzi shouting]

Thank you. Thank you.

And I bet you're all wondering
about this one-of-a-kind dress

that I'm wearing.

It was designed by my date,

the amazingly talented
Jarvis Raines!

Make sure you get
my good side.

And my other good side.

[Aster fumes]

That's my dress!

Are you sure?

Because you wear a...

Size zero.

I mean I designed it!

And Jarvis is taking
all the credit.

I am not going to
take this lying down.

[audience laughing]

Well, I may be lying down,

but I'm not gonna take it!

Okay! I think I finally
figured out the perfect gift.

Let's see what
you came up with.

It's perfect!

A picture
of my best friend

and the girl who's
in love with me!

Huh? What?

I got you
something too.

Candy.

[skittering]

That's not for you.

Have you seen Jarvis?

I'm pretty sure
he's looking for me.

Then he's not doing
a very good job.

He's across town

at an awards gala
with Jazlyn Simms.

What?

Isn't that
a beautiful dress?

Jarvis had it
specially made for her.

I think he got it
for their meetaversary.

They met today.

I'm so stupid.

That's what people
say about me!

We have so much in common!

That picture's not for you.

I know it's hard

to tell that special someone
how you feel.

So let me be the one to say it.

You love me.

Bowie, I don't love you.

Yeah, you do.

You said it yourself.

The guy you're into
is smart, cool, and handsome.

Who else could you possibly
be talking about?

[shutters snapping]

Fine. It is you.
Can I go now?

What's your rush,
Snugglepumpkin?

Shouldn't we make this
official first?

[laughter]

[clamouring]

How did I
get into designing?

Well, it really started

with a love of...
measuring people.

This outfit is perfect.

No one can tell
I'm not part of the red carpet.

[back crunches]

No one.

Yes, it's very fun
being on the red carpet.

[Aster roars]

Less fun being under it!

[both grunting]

How could you?

Designing a dress
for Jazlyn Simms

could have been
a big opportunity for me!

It was a pretty big
opportunity for me too.

I'm sorry!

I guess getting a date
with a movie star

went to my head.

Yeah, well, now my fist
is gonna go to your head.

Get him up from there!

[Aster grunting]

Because everyone
wants to meet

the genius who designed
this amazing suit!

[cheering]

They like my suit?

They love it!

Tuxedo in the front,

red carpet in the back.

The way the two sides
represent the wealthy elite

and those they stepped on
to get to where they are?

Uh, yeah!

That's what I was going for
when I made it.

You're gonna take

the fashion world
by storm.

[shutters snapping]

Not only that,

Aster also designed
the one-of-a-kind dress

being worn by the
beautiful Jazlyn Simms.

[everyone boos]

They hate it?

[booing continues]

"It looks like
it was designed

to fit
a teenage boy.

A handsome teenage
boy, but still."

This reporter
really knows his stuff.

They were taking
all those photos of me

so they could trash me
in the tabloids?

You're finished
in the fashion world.

And you're finished
in this world.

But there are so many parts
of that world I've yet to see!

[announcer]:
It seems these days,

there's an award show
for everyone.

Everyone but you.

Until now!

With Knickknack's
Award Show in a Box,

you can host your very own
award show at home!

Comes complete
with everything you need

to finally feel
like a winner!

Your own trophy!

Designer dress!

Red carpet!

And pushy paparazzi!

Hey, superstar!
Let me see your eyes!

Big smiles!

The award-winning
Award Show in a Box.

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The "P" stands for

"Practice
your acceptance speech!"

[♪♪♪]