Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 15 - The Shnorfs - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Shnorf, shnorf
sh-shnorf-shnorf ♪

♪ shnorf-shnorf-shnorf, shnorf ♪

♪ Shnorf, shnorf
Sh-shnorf-shnorf ♪

♪ Sh-shnorf-shnorf-shnorf
shnorf ♪

Hi there!

[shrieks]:
Aah! You shnorfled me!

I haven't seen you around
Shnorfingham Forest before.

You're not
Silly Shnorf,

Crafty Shnorf,
or Snotty Shnorf.

I'm new.



I'm Handsome Shnorf.

I should've guessed!

So...

you want to shnorf?

[giggling]

Okay!

Shnorf. Shnorf!
Shnorf. Shnorf!

Shnorf-shnorf! Shnorf...

Jarvis?

Aah!
You shnorfled me!

Ahem...

[normal voice]:
I mean, startled me.

What are you doin'?

Just shnorfing
the shnorfing Shnorfs



with a shnorf
and a shnorf-shnorf.

You know saying "shnorf"
over and over

is not making what you're doing
seem any less creepy.

But it does give me a good idea.

To knock next time,
so you don't walk in on a guy...

shnorfing?

No, to update the Shnorfs.

We could create
fully interactive Shnorfs 2.0.

Give them the ability
to move on their own, talk,

even have personalities.

So what do you think?

Shnorf! Shnorf.
Shnorf... Shnorf?

-Yeah.
-Shnorf!

-Still creepy.
-Shnorf, shnorf...

Shnorf!
Shnorf, shnorf.

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

Sure, it cost
thousands of dollars

to have this designed and built,

but I'll finally get
the best of those kids,

thanks to this reverse duster

that adds dust
to clean surfaces.

[cackling deviously]

[wracked by coughing]

[sputtering]

Mrs. Bubkes?

[speaking Meeskatanian]

...Just dusting.
And not reverse dusting.

I was looking you up online
and barely found anything,

other than your profile
on Desperate Date...

the same dating site
Candace uses.

Though your profile
got a lot more hits!

There aren't
any photos

or videos of you as a kid.

Anywhere.

Do you even have any?

[speaking Meeskatanian]
...Of course!

[continues in Meeskatanian]
...Not online.

[speaks Meeskatanian]

Bubkes private person.

Not according to
all the racy details

on your dating profile!

Anyway, I'll need
that home video.

Of you as a kid.

Again, not the ones

you mentioned
in your profile.

Why?

I'm editing a video
for the Knickknack website,

showing all the employees
as little kids.

It's called "There's A
Little Kid In All Of Us."

I hope people don't think
I'm pregnant.

Anyway, I'll need that video.

Uhh... No problem.

Bubkes find kid.

Find vid... eo.

Bubkes find video. Of me!

Not other kid.

Great.

But first...

this counter
is really dusty.

Clean it up, would you?

So, how does
your Shnorf look?

That's a rather
personal question.

He was talking to me.

And it looks great!

It moves, it speaks,
it has personality.

Okay, I clearly don't know
what a Shnorf is.

It's a toy.

Piper's made a Shnorf
that will talk to you.

Oh, you finally
took my advice

and made yourself
a friend.

So, what kind of personality
did you give it?

You know, just some
random personality.

[audience laughing]

Wow. I'm handsome.

Really shnorfing handsome!

You're so tiny and cute!

[Aster and Schnorf-Jarvis]:
Thank you.

He was talking to me!

He said tiny and cute.

You're not cute.

[♪♪♪]

And that brings us
to the roller coaster.

Who'd like to ride it?

-Oh, me, me, me!
-Me!

Okay. Good to know.

[audience laughing]

Sure, this place looks fun,

but you should've seen it
in the old days.

The drab, grey walls,
the cubicles,

the way the employees
were so full of fear

that, when I entered the room,
they would often vomit. Ohh!

I read you lost the company.

[scoffs] To a kid.

Look, girly.

I have one thing
to say to you.

What size babushka
do you wear?

Candace?

What are you
doing here?

I reached out
to a local orphanage

and am taking these orphans,

who have so little
in their lives,

on a tour
of the toy company.

That's actually
kind of sweet.

But if you want to kick 'em out
onto the streets, fine!

Especially the boys,

and any girls who don't have

Bubkes-like colouring
and features.

No, of course
they can stay.

You heard the man! Out!

[laughter]

Isn't this nice?

The music...

the candlelight...

the two of us.

I guess, but...

I don't know if
I can eat all this.

I usually go a week and a half
on a raisin.

Should we skip the meal

and go straight
to an after-dinner shnorf?

Piper, I need...

...To immediately change gears
and start mocking you.

Aster, do you mind?

We're trying to have a date.

I didn't know you had
a thing for tiny guys.

Thank goodness for me,

I'm of average-to-
above-average height.

Go away!

You're dating a toy?

Isn't that
a little desperate?

No, it's exactly
the right amount of desperate.

The Shnorf is programmed
with Jarvis's personality,

so he thinks and reacts
just like Jarvis would.

If I can get Shnorf-Jarvis
to fall in love with me,

I could get real Jarvis
to fall in love with me.

This is going
to end badly.

I look forward
to watching.

Well, you might be here
a while.

I've played the flirt,

I've played the good girl,
even...

[with accent]: ...The Swedish
foreign-exchange student.

I can't figure out
which type of girl

this shnorf is into!

I hate my life.

Piper, my love...

I want to hug
and shnorf you!

[♪♪♪]

Ooh, can I ride
the roller coaster now?

Sure. As long as you have
your parents' permission.

Ooh, sorry!

Gee, I wonder why
no one seems to like you.

I know, right?

But we can have fun!

We can play...

dress-up!

[laughter]

This is so boring.

We're at a toy company.

Can't we play with toys?

Sure.

Here you go.

You know what
else would be fun?

Doing silly talk.

[speaks Meeskatanian]

Silly talk.

Now you try.

This is stupid.

Okay, you got

the bitter English words
at the end part right,

but you need
more silly talk lead-in.

Wait.

Let me get my camera.

Oh, no!

The orphan's gone.

At least no one
will be worried sick.

[girl]:
I'm in the shed!

What kind of scam
you running here?

Turns out, to get Jarvis
to fall in love with me,

I just need to be myself.

So which one of these
do you think I should wear

to look most
like myself?

Ugh, they're both hideous!

So either one.

Is this little guy
bothering you?

Why don't you
shnorf like a shnorf,

and shnorf?

Go away.

Piper and I have... plans.

[splash]

[laughter]

Listen,
we need to shnorf.

My thoughts exactly.

I mean talk.
Shnorf as in talk.

Oh.

It's just that...

I shnorf you,
but I shnorf you as a friend.

I don't understand.

Oh, I thought we were just
replacing random words

with "shnorf."

No, I understand that.

I don't understand
why you're not into me.

Because, after all,

you know what they say...

once you go orange,
you never go...

Gah! Nothing rhymes
with "orange."

It's just...

I'm in shnorf
with someone else.

Who? Who could you possibly
shnorf more than me?

Hey, Piper.
I wanted to show you

the new poster I designed
for the new Shnorfs.

You busy?

Nope. Just standing here
being myself.

Unless you like
this myself better.

It's that guy?

I understand.

I guess
there's nothing I can do.

Except...

Kill him!

Oof!

[bap-a-bap-a-bap-a-bap]

[closes door]

Care to explain yourself?

Me? If anything,

it looks like you
skinned a person.

What'd you do?

Take a job here

disguised as some
Eastern European cleaning woman

after you got fired,

so you could bring down
the company from the inside?

Yeah. Mrs. Bubkes.

You figured all that out?

Yeah, who wouldn't?

You'd be surprised.

The only part
I can't figure out

is what
you need me for...

unless you put your foot
in your mouth

and said you had home movies
of Mrs. Bubkes as a kid.

But anyone with
half a brain would just say,

"No, I don't have any."

Where were you
yesterday?

With the other orphans,
singing about tomorrow.

But so far,

today hasn't lived up
to the song's promise.

So, will you help me
make Bubkes home movies?

Sure I'll help you.

But it's gonna cost you.

Big.

Five dollars.

I can't believe Piper's
in love with Jarvis.

If I see him again,

I'm going to
shnorf his head off

and shnorf
down his shnorf.

Just enjoy your
shnorfleberry juice

and forget about Piper.

Everyone else does.

Hey, Aster...

Aah!

I forgot
you were there.

Anyway,
I've been shnorfing.

I mean, thinking.

Maybe this Shnorf
will get over me

if he falls in love
with someone else.

Someone who will love him
as much as he loves me.

[whoosh]

Wow! You're handsome.

Really shnorfing
handsome.

Look, you're nice and all,
but...

I'm just getting over
a bad shnorf-up.

You seem hurt.

Maybe I can...
shnorf it better.

If you want him to fall
for another woman,

might I suggest...

[whoosh]

Now we're talkin'!

We are?
What are we talking about?

I don't know.

But I never know what
anyone's talking about.

Oops. I forgot
to say "shnorf"!

Shnorf!

He likes her,

but that boyish Shnorf

keeps sticking her shnorf
where it doesn't belong.

We should sign her up
for Desperate-Date-dot-Shnorf.

Or just give him
a best friend

to keep her busy.

[whoosh]

Hey, baby.
Shnorf here often?

I told you!
I'm not interested.

Shnorf means shnorf.

Creepy Shnorf
is striking out.

Maybe he just needs
a little shnorf-over.

No way. I'm an acclaimed
fashion designer.

I do not make clothes
for Shnorfs.

Find someone else.

[whoosh]

Shnorftacular!

My outfit, that is.

You look okay in it.

[shnorfboard rumbling]

Hey, my shnorfs.
What's shnorfin'?

Where did you
come from?

Uh, I don't know.
Shnorf Dakota?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I don't know if
we solved the problem,

or just created
five new ones.

Don't you mean six?

[speaking Meeskatanian]

...Shnorf.

Huh. That's odd.

Piper, have you seen
that Shnorf?

He escaped from
the jar I put him in.

I think
I made the holes too big.

Uhh...
No, I haven't seen him.

Quick! Hide the Shnorfs!

Okay.

[Shnorfs crying out]: No!

[Shnorfs]: Aah!

Oh, good.
I don't see him.

I can't believe
that Shnorf tried to kill me.

[Piper giggling]

You find that funny?

What? No!

[laughing awkwardly]

Aster just told me a joke.

Tell it to me.

-What?
-You heard him, Aster.

Tell him the joke.

It's really funny.

I'm still laughing at it.

Uh... the joke?

Piper's hiding six Shnorfs
in her ugly shirt!

I don't get it.

[Shnorf-Jarvis]:
Me neither.

Piper...

[sighs]

You can come out, guys.

[Shnorfs grunting]

[Shnorf]:
No thank you!

-[smack]
-Ooh!

Oh, thank goodness
I'm out of there!

Not my cup of shnorf.

Piper, did you make
these Shnorfs?

Yes, but I can explain.

Explain that
these little guys are awesome?

No need to brag, Piper.

I think we've got
a great toy on our hands.

Well, on your shoulders.

[Shnorfs]: Woo-hoo!

I still kind of
want to kill him.

[♪♪♪]

Great home movie,
Mrs. Bubkes.

You haven't
changed a bit.

You've changed a lot!

Even your eye colour,
I think.

[speaking Meeskatanian]

...Home movie okay?

It's perfect.

Now there's only
one person around here

who seems to have

no childhood photos
or videos.

Me!

I'm starting to think
my parents hate me.

Did he buy it?

Hook, line,
and sinker!

That's a fishing expression.

People with parents

often have dads
who take them fishing,

and they learn such things.

The point is,
our plan worked.

You were great!

It was fun!

[audience gushes]

Okay. Well, see ya!

Actually...

I'll probably never
see you again,

so goodbye forever.

Wait!

You're leaving?

Yeah. I've got to get back
to the orphanage.

It's Wednesday.
We're having baloney.

Well, faux-loney.

We can't afford real baloney.

[♪♪♪]

This is
so shnorf-citing!

They're putting us
in a TV show!

They are?

Yeah.

Why else would we
be putting on makeup?

No reason.

[laughter]

Guys, this
isn't a TV show.

It's a commercial!

You've got to
be shnorfing me!

What's so bad
about a commercial?

Sure, we'll have
less lines,

but, as they say,

there are no small parts,

only small actors.

We're not the actors,
we're the product.

They're planning
on selling us.

They're going to
split us up?

Each sold separately?

But we've been together
our whole lives!

Like two hours.

That's it!

We're getting
out of here.

And nothing's
going to stop us!

[boing, boing-boing]

[bap!]

[thud]

Ooh...
That's gonna leave a shnorf.

Mrs. Bubkes,

I found
a home movie of me,

and finished editing the video
for the Knickknack website.

You want to see it?

No.

I don't understand
Meeskatanian,

so I'm just gonna
assume that means yes.

[video theme music plays]

Welcome to
Knickknacktoys-dot-com,

where there's a little kid
in all of us.

I'm not pregnant.

[♪♪♪]

[shrieks]

[thud]

[speaking Meeskatanian]

...Love to clean.

[continues in Meeskatanian]
...Mrs. Bubkes.

Your first name is Missus?

[crying]

It's okay, Missus.

Bowie is
a weird name too.

[crying]

[crying]

Wow.

If I cried like that
at the orphanage,

Tiny Tina
would eat me for lunch.

By the way,

Tiny Tina's
a rat the size of a mini-van.

You came back!

You missed me as much
as I missed you!

I've been
thinking about it.

You and I are so much alike,

and we're both so alone
in this world.

I want to adopt you.

What?

I figured we could be
each other's family.

And you must feel the same way,
because you came back!

Actually, I came back

because you forgot
to give me my five bucks.

Oh. Right.

But... since it's
such a big deal to you,

I guess we could try
this adoption thing.

Really?

This is the happiest day
of my life!

I mean, the bar
is low, but still!

I get an allowance,
right... Mom?

[♪♪♪]

We have to shoot
that commercial.

Where are the Shnorfs?

I don't know!
I've looked everywhere!

Wait!

Now I've looked everywhere.

I don't blame you for
putting that one off.

What are you guys
doing out here?

We're running away.

It just takes us
a long time.

Our feet
are very small.

Do we have to leave?

They have
a roller-shnorfer!

You're not tall
enough to ride it.

We're leaving.

We're not going to stick around

and let them sell us
like we're pieces of shnorf!

But you're toys.

Maybe they're
more than toys.

We gave them intelligence
and personality.

They should
have the rights

that come with that.

You make a good point.

Shnorfs...

if you want to leave,
you're free to go.

[Shnorfs cheering]

That's mighty
big of you.

Good luck out there
in the world.

Thanks, and who knows?

Maybe we'll shnorf you
again someday.

I'd like that.

Unless "shnorf" means
punch me in the face,

because I've had enough of that.

[laughter]

It feels good
to do the right thing.

Yeah.

I think they're gonna
be much happier out there.

[cat meows and hisses]

[Shnorfs shrieking]

[cat yowls]

Help! Help!

Help! It's trying to...

[crunch]

Wow. That is shnorfed up.

♪ My faux-loney
has a first name ♪

♪ It's K-N-I-C-K ♪

♪ My faux-loney
has a second name ♪

♪ It's K-N-A-C-K ♪

♪ I refuse to eat it
Every day ♪

♪ And if you ask me why
I'll say ♪

♪ 'Cause Knickknack
really has a way ♪

♪ Of making food
that once said "neigh" ♪

Faux-loney...

from Candace Wheeler's
Knickknack Foods.

I'm P. Everett Knickknack!

The "P" stands
for "pony meat."

[♪♪♪]