Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 12 - Stinky Face - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

Hey, guys.

Notice anything
different about me?

Nope.

I'm working
on a new product.

"Stinky Face."

Okay. No need to resort
to name-calling,

Noodle-Arms.

No, "Stinky Face"
is the name of the product.

I'm adapting these glasses

to create
a new movie-going experience.



They're like 3D glasses,

but they add
the fourth dimension...

smell.

That's the dimension
I add!

The idea would be

to incorporate
Stinky Face into a movie,

and enhance
the experience

with aromas that
match what you see.

Here, I'll show you.

[audience laughing]

Let's pretend
you're at a theatre,

watching a movie

about a terrible employee
who does nothing.

It's based on a true story!



Here we go...
a perfume sample.

A "Stinky Face" movie

would automatically
trigger the glasses...

[typing]

[aerosol hisses]

Mmm!

An amber aromatic

with base notes
of night-blossoming jasmine.

I'm spending too much time
with Aster.

Stinky Face can
also let you smell

the conditioner
in Geneva's hair...

[typing]

[aerosol hisses]

And the flowers
on her desk...

[aerosol hisses]

Anyway, what'd you think?

I thought
it was incredible.

Oh, thanks, I...

-Bravo, Geneva!
-What a performance!

When's the next
showing?

[applause continues]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

Bowie, why are you
wearing those glasses?

They only work if
you're watching a movie.

Oh yeah?

Then explain why
I can smell dog poop.

You stepped in dog poop
two blocks ago.

Anyway, if Stinky Face
is going to be a success,

we need to get
the technology released

with a big blockbuster movie.

And Chase Runner

is shooting an alien
invasion movie

somewhere
around here.

[director]: Cut!

But where?

I'll be in my trailer.

I wish my last movie
hadn't bombed

and I didn't live
in a trailer now.

It's Chase Runner!

Come on.
Let's go ask him

to check out
Stinky Face.

Do you think
he'll remember us?

Only one way
to find out.

[calls out]: Chase!

Remember us?

We're the ones

who ruined
your book-signing!

[Knox]:
He remembered us!

[Jarvis]:
If we could only get him

to check out
the Stinky Face glasses,

he'd love them.

It's amazing technology.

[Bowie]: I know!

I'm wearing a pair now,
and I smell garbage!

Aster, I need
to talk to someone.

Well, that's
what friends are for.

So go try and make one.

Aster!

All right, all right.

Just let me finish
what I'm making

and you can tell me
whatever you want to say.

[sewing machine runs]

And... done.

Okay! Go ahead!

I was showing everyone
my cool new technology,

and they were all
fawning over Geneva.

People who look like me
get ignored,

and people who look like Geneva
get all the attention.

People don't ignore you
because of the way you look.

They ignore you
because you're boring.

No. This is about looks.

And I'm going to prove
the saying's true...

Blondes have more fun.

No, they don't!

I'm blonde,
and I'm not having any fun.

I'm talking to you.

[audience laughing]

[ditzy high-pitched voice]:
Like, O-M-G!

I, like, finally
found Knickknack, like, Toys.

I've been, like, lost,
for, like, ever.

Like, I'm, like,
looking for someone.

I'm someone!

No matter
what my mom says.

You look familiar.

No, I don't!

My name's Holly.

I'm, like, looking for
the owner of the, like, company.

[dialing]

Jarvis?

A hot blonde's
here to see you.

Tell Aster
to stop calling himself that!

Not Aster.

A hot blonde girl.

[bell dings]

Hi! I'm Jarvis!

What can I do with you?

For you.

What can I do for you?

Like, hi there!

My name's Holly,

and I'm, like, looking
for a, like, job.

You're hired!

Don't you, like, want to hear
my, like, qualifications

and my, like, relevant,
like, work history?

Maybe, like, check
my, like, references?

Nope! You look qualified.

Doesn't she look qualified?

There's going to
finally be

another girl
working here?

Yay!

We can be besties!

Isn't there, like,
already a girl working here?

I think I'd remember
if there was.

Men!

And Susan.

That alien ship has been
hovering over my city

for two days now.

We still don't know
what's inside.

But we know
we want to kill it!

But we have no idea
what they even want!

There are only two things
they could have come here for...

our water,
or our women...

and I've got
an unquenchable thirst for both!

Not you, Susan.

[audience laughing]

We've got to figure out
how to get to Chase

so we can show him
the glasses.

I wish
Holly were here.

She'd know what to do.

No, she wouldn't.

I know, but I still
wish she were here.

Doesn't matter! They're never
gonna let us on the set.

Then we'll just
have to invade the set.

I can't believe the Sarge
made me get coffee and donuts.

So I disagreed with him
about the aliens.

For all we know,
they're highly advanced beings,

far more intelligent than us.

[whoosh]

[exploding]

[laughter]

[robotically]:
Greetings, Earthling.

Or not.

[suit rustling]

We are here to share
our technology.

Stinky Face.

What did you call me?

Hop forward!

Which way is that?

-[suit ripping]
-Whoa!

We come in

piece...s.

[director]: Cut!

[rustling]

This is our alien?

It looks so fake!

Now, this...

this looks
like an alien!

Just the right mix
of creepy and amusing.

I get that all the time.

Mostly at family dinners.

I want him
to be my co-star!

And we want you to check out
this amazing technology.

That's not amazing.

It looks like my agent.

But I'll do
whatever you want

to get this creepy
little homunculus

in my movie.

You really should
come over for dinner.

I think you'd enjoy
the table talk.

What is all this
hideous junk?

That's not,
like, junk.

That, like, belongs
to, like, Piper.

Wow. I've never heard anyone
say "like Piper" before.

It's usually
"can't stand Piper"

or at best "tolerate Piper."

Aster, it's me, Piper.

Yeah. I know.

That's why
I softened that slam.

No one says
they tolerate you.

[as herself]:
Well, everyone else bought it.

In fact, they gave "Holly"
Piper's office.

Wait. That's actually
sad for me.

But I proved my point.

Blondes have it better.

So I guess it's time
to go back to being Piper.

Why?

[laughter]

Because you should be
the person you really are.

I mean, what kind of person

fools the people
they work with every day,

using some elaborate costume
to become someone else?

[chuckles] She's right!

Holly?

Have you seen Piper?

I want to tell her
Chase Runner agreed

to add Stinky Face
to his movie.

-Really?
-Yeah.

We're gonna do
a screening on the roof.

And I was wondering...

if you'd like to go...

as my date?

You want to go
on a date with...

You. Holly.

Look, Jarvis.

The truth is I...

[in high-pitch voice]:
...Would, like, totally love

to go on a date with you!

Great!

Candace? What
are you doing here?

Look, Jarvis.

The truth is I...

Whatever.
If you see Mrs. Bubkes,

ask her to clean up this junk
on the floor.

[♪♪♪]

This is so exciting!

We get to screen
Chase Runner's new movie,

enhanced with
Stinky Face technology.

This place is full
of studio bigwigs.

I know.

I'm stuck
sitting behind them.

[laughter]

Well, I'd offer you
the seat next to me,

but I'm saving it
for my date, Holly.

[ding]

What are you
doing here, "Holly?"

I'm, like, on a date
with, like, Jarvis!

And I like Jarvis.

I really, like,
like Jarvis.

[giggles]

What happened to

"you should be the person
you really are?"

I am!

I'm the person who really
wants to date Jarvis.

[audience laughing]

Hey, Holly!

You look
beautiful tonight.

Thank you!

And you look
great too!

Thank you!

I'm so excited
for tonight.

A date with
a beautiful blonde,

and we get to show
everyone our Stinky Face!

I just can't, like,

understand how
this technology works.

[ding]

[background chatter]

[gasping]

My favourite movie star
is here!

Really?
I'm your favourite?

No, not you.

Him!

I wonder
where Piper is.

I want her to
introduce the movie,

since Stinky Face
was her idea.

[as Piper]: Really?

You never let anyone else
introduce things.

How do you know that?

Uhhh...

[as Holly]:
You just, like, seem, like,

a take-charge
kind of, like, guy.

Like.

Wait here.

I'm going to go find Piper.

No! I'll find her.

Okay, I'll just have to
switch back and forth

between Holly and Piper.

That shouldn't be too hard.

[crash]

Great!

I wonder how many blondes
it takes to change a lightbulb.

[♪♪♪]

Piper!
There you are.

The movie was supposed
to start 20 minutes ago.

We had to fill time
by showing a trailer.

Sure, it's small,
but the kitchen seats four.

Five,
if someone sits on the toilet.

Thank you, Chase.

What a beautiful home.

And a wonderful
cautionary tale.

Anyway, welcome, everyone,

and thank you to Chase Runner
and his team

for coming to check out
this special screening

augmented with Knickknack's
new Stinky Face technology.

And thank you
to all our Knickknack employees,

for... nothing.

I did this all myself.

And people wonder why
I handle the introductions.

Now, if you'll all put on
your Stinky Face glasses,

we can start the show.

[tense, suspenseful theme rises]

[♪♪♪]

[Chase as narrator]:
It was a day like any other.

Big Frankie
was sellin' hot dogs...

[Stinky Face aerosol hissing]

With onions...

[all inhaling deeply
as aerosol hisses]

Old Lady Callahan
was watering her flowers...

[aerosol hissing]

[♪♪♪]

And me?

I was writing a ticket
to some scum-bum

who parked
in front of a hydrant.

[all inhaling deeply]

[coughing and groaning]

Wow! You can
really smell the dog pee.

[♪♪♪]

Sorry, Piper.
That's Holly's seat.

Where is she, anyway?

Uhh...
I'll go find her!

I thought you were
in this movie.

-I am.
-Where?

Are you the hot dog guy?

No.

Are you the old lady?

No!

Are you
the fire hydrant?

Yes! I'm the fire hydrant.

I knew it!

[Chase]: Though it seemed
like any other day,

it was anything but.

Because that was the day

that the spaceship came.

[U.F.O. warbling]

[all gasping]

I couldn't believe
what was happening...

But I wasn't
just gonna stand there

and let it happen.

[roars]: Hey!

You can't park there!

[ticket flapping]

There you are!

I was looking for you.

I was just getting
us some, like,

pop, like, corn!

Like, who is that guy?

And what's he, like, doing?

Why do I, like,
smell popcorn?

There's no popcorn
in the movie!

[♪♪♪]

I, like, like this.

[she giggles]

A, like, lot.

-Where's Piper?
-Who cares?

She should be here.

Stinky Face
is her smelly-vision.

[frustrated sigh]

I'll go get her!

I can't believe
the Sarge made me get coffee...

[aerosol hissing]

And donuts...

[aerosol hissing]

And an egg salad sandwich...

[hissing]

And garlic fries...

[aerosol hissing]

And a whole pineapple!

[boing]
[hiss]

And a wheel of pungent cheese!

[hissing]

So I disagreed with him
about the aliens.

For all we know,

they're highly advanced beings,
far more intelligent than us.

[♪♪♪]

[explosion]

[♪♪♪]

Or not.

[audience laughing]

[♪♪♪]

[breaking wind loudly]

[aerosol hissing]

[groaning]

I did all
my own farts.

I know him!
I know him!

I know you!

You wanted to see me?

Not really.

I was just wondering
where you were.

Where's Holly?

[fuming sigh]

[audience laughing]

Whoa. Holly.
You look...

different.

Uhh...

I, like, had
too much popcorn!

It goes, like, right to my...

[stammers]

Let's say "hips."

I'll just, like, work it off!

Aww...

You don't want to hurt us.

You're just cold
and hungry and afraid.

Well, you don't need
to be afraid anymore.

[Sarge]: We need to find
that alien and kill it!

You need
to be terrified!

Quick!

Into this bakery
filled with fresh-baked bread!

[bakery door bell jingles]

[aerosol hisses]

[collectively gagging]

Ugh! What is that?

Skunk?

Worse!

It's like a walrus
with halitosis

barfed up
a pile of squid bladders,

and left them
to rot in the sun.

Wow. You really
know your stenches.

I played a police dog
in my last movie.

[aerosol hisses]

[all groaning]

What's wrong
with these glasses?

The only I thing I smell
is failure.

Which I smell enough
in my kitchen-slash-bathroom.

Don't worry.
We'll fix it.

Where's Piper?

[whimpering sigh]

[locked handle rattles]

Locked? No.

[thumping]

Go away!

I didn't ask for this life.

[cries out]:
I just want to be left alone!

[Knox cries out]: Yeah!

The two of us

want to be
left alone!

So we can bask

in your starlight.

Holly?
You haven't found Piper yet?

It's gonna be a disaster
for Knickknack

if Stinky Face doesn't work.

I'll fix it!

That's sweet
of you to offer,

but also stupid.

[as Piper]:
All I have to do

is route the olfactory
release conduits

so they realign

with their corresponding
image sensors.

[as Holly]:
Or, like, something!

You're smart?

And to think I wanted
to be friends with you!

[laughter]

[aerosol hissing]

[collectively oohing]

I don't know
how Holly fixed it,

but she fixed it.

[♪♪♪]

That alien must be
around here somewhere!

[door opens]

Bonjour!

[bread bag]: Bonjour.

Bonjour.

I don't know why people say
the French are rude.

Even the bread says hello.

This way, men!

And Susan.

Whew!

Here's the part
you need to fix your spaceship.

Will I ever see you again?

Then I guess
this is goodbye.

Bye... bye.

[♪♪♪]

[tractor beam booms]

What have you done?

He didn't want to harm us!

He just needed help
fixing his ship.

See? It's working now.

[Pew! Pew!]

[Pew!]

[zapping]
[cops screaming]

[all applauding]

Wow!

This smells exactly
like burning flesh!

I know, because
I once slipped

getting out
of the bathtub,

and fell into the stove.

There you are, Piper!

Stinky Face
smells like a winner.

I know!

Holly told me.

Speaking of Holly...

I figured out
the truth about her.

You did?

Yeah. She's a fake.

She's not really
a dumb blonde.

She's a smart blonde!

You know, when
I thought she was dumb,

I was having a terrible
time on our date.

She was so boring.

But you cuddled!

So I hear.

I had to do something

to get her to stop asking
all those stupid questions.

But then she stepped up
and fixed the system,

and I realized how much
she has to offer.

So you're looking
for a girl who's smart,

great with technology,

and likes to cuddle?

No, I'm not
looking for that.

I already found it.

In Holly!

Be right back!

[door bangs]

I, like, quit,

and I'm, like,
breaking up with you!

What?

You're just gonna have to,
like, find someone

who's all the things I am...

except blonde.
Hair colour doesn't matter.

[audience laughing]

-Well, actu...
-[shrieks]: It doesn't!

[laughter]

If you're like me,

you're sick and tired
of the stereotype

that blondes are dumb.

Also, if you're like me,

you're blonde.

Yay! [giggle]

Well, now there's
an organization

that will stand up

against the mistreatment
of people like us.

Disgusted Unhappy
Miffed Blondes.

There have been lots of
smart blondes in history.

Like...

Sir Isaac Newton,
who invented gravity.

Before him,
everything just floated!

And Leonardo da Vinky,
leader of the Ninja Turtles.

Blondes. We're smart.

We're D.U.M.B.

I'm, like,

P. Everett, like, Knickknack.

The "P" stands for...

I have, like, no idea.

[♪♪♪]