Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 11 - Greedy Pig - full transcript
Knickknack releases a new hit toy: Greedy Pig, the piggy bank that makes saving fun! But when a string of angry phone calls from parents reveal the money kept in the Greedy Pigs is disappearing, Jarvis decides it's time for a stakeout. Piper offers to help, jumping at the opportunity to hang out with Jarvis alone. But since Jarvis only has a learner's permit, he must have an adult in the car, so Mrs. Bubkes comes along as the third wheel.
♪ Here we go ♪
Greedy Pig Piggy Bank
commercial, take one.
And... action!
Greedy Pig, the piggy bank
that makes saving
f-aaahhhhhhhhhhh!
Cut!
Bowie, what are you doing?
Obviously this commercial
takes place in the sky,
so I'm falling to my death.
Kind of a dark premise
for a toy commercial,
but you're the boss.
It doesn't take place
in the sky!
That's just
a blue screen.
We're going
to digitally
replace it later
with a different
background.
You're in a little
boy's bedroom.
Just stick to the script.
Got it.
Greedy Pig Piggy Bank
commercial, take two.
And... action!
[oink oink oink oink]
[whispering]
Greedy Pig
sniffs out coins
and eats them...
[oinks]
storing them safely
in his belly.
Cut!
Why are you whispering?
You said I'm in
a little boy's bedroom.
I don't want
to wake him up.
Or his parents.
They'll probably
call the cops,
since I'm creeping around
some kid's bedroom.
You're playing
the little boy!
Aster, I wish
you'd agreed to do this.
I told you, enough people
think I'm a little boy already.
Like this morning
when I was walking to work...
"Are you lost, little boy?"
I had to tell them
I wasn't a little boy.
And then ask for directions
because I actually was lost.
Let's just
try it again.
Greedy Pig Piggy
Bank commercial,
take
whatever comes after two.
Okay, remembering
you're a little boy,
and this is your room...
And... action!
[in baby voice]
Hewlp! Hewlp!
There's people in my woom
I don't know!
Stwanger danger!
Stwanger danger!
Cut!
New plan.
Bowie...
you're fired!
We'll make the background
a little girl's room
and find a new kid.
[both]: I'll do it!
We'll flip a coin.
Call it!
Heads!
Hello.
Is Coin there, please?
[oinks]
Great.
Now we're out of coins.
We can still
record the voice
for the P. Everett
Knickknack cartoon.
I guess that's true.
And... action.
[in Knickknack's voice]
I'm P. Everett Knickknack.
The "P" stands for
"piggy bank!"
[♪♪♪]
♪ Buckle up ♪
♪ And hold on tight ♪
♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪
♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪
♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪
♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪
♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪
♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ You got me ♪
♪ I got you ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
There you are!
I've been looking
everywhere for you!
I'm just reading
a magazine!
Not you.
Why would anyone
look for you?
Well, they might be trying
to find me to yell at me
for creepily staring at them
using a fake magazine.
For example.
I was looking for you, Geneva.
Did you order those supplies
I need?
Don't you try
to fly away from this!
I'm not trying to fly away.
Ditz magazine
says flapping like a bird
tones your arm muscles...
and helps your nails
dry faster.
If Ditz magazine told you
to jump off the roof,
would you?
Yeah!
I'd do anything Ditz magazine
tells me to!
Really? Anything?
Geneva,
you shouldn't blindly follow
the things in this magazine.
They're stupid.
"Want to break in
those new shoes?
Skip the elevator
and jump off the roof!"
"Lose ten pounds instantly
by cutting off your arm!"
"Try this sure-fire move
to make your guy friend
your boyfriend!"
Ooh, can I borrow this?
[♪♪♪]
[oinking]
Ugh!
Why did I choose today
to wear my penny loafers?
[kicking]
I'm glad that unpleasantness
is behind me!
Yaaah!
But there's worse unpleasantness
in front of me.
[camera shutter clicks]
Bowie...
what are you doing?
A cover shoot
for Ditz Magazine.
[shutter clicks]
Why?
Did every model on earth
read last month's issue
and jump off a roof?
If not, they will
when they see the next issue.
No...
Geneva said she does everything
Ditz Magazine tells her to.
[shutter clicks]
So I'm creating
a fake issue
that will trick her
into dating me.
[shutter clicks]
Here are
a few of the article ideas
I'm working on.
"Not hot is hot,"
"Date 'em
even if you hate 'em,"
and "Go out with Bowie.
Do it. DO IT!"
I hope that last one's
not too subtle.
[shutter clicks]
Bowie!
How could you...
wear an A-line skirt
with chunky boots?
If you're going to do this,
let's do it right.
"Take your relationship
to the next level
by adjusting his collar.
It creates intimacy,
shows you care,
and brings your lips
close to his."
Jarvis!
Let me fix your collar!
I don't have a collar.
[phone rings]
Yes, you do.
[phone rings again]
[rings again, then cuts off]
Oh, phew.
Your caller went away.
It was probably a store
ordering more
Greedy Pig Piggy Banks.
Kids love them!
Those pigs are flying
off the shelves!
[typing madly]
What are you doing?
I once said I'll do work
"when pigs fly."
It's just
an expression.
The pigs aren't
actually flying.
Really?
[phone rings]
Geneva, even though
no pigs are flying,
can you please
deal with that?
Sure.
[phone continues ringing]
Knickknack Toys!
This guy says his kid
put his allowance
in a Greedy
Pig Piggy Bank,
and now
the money's gone.
I have no idea
what happened, sir.
Sorry. Ma'am.
Okay, let me
transfer you
to a different
department.
Jarvis!
I didn't know
what else to do!
Her kid probably
spent the money
and blamed the pig
so he wouldn't get
in trouble.
It's not like there's a problem
with the toy
that makes
people's money disappear.
I'm sorry!
I don't know what happened
to her tooth fairy money.
No, we do care.
We're trying to figure out
how this is happening.
Hey, Ashley.
Just at work.
Nothin'.
I don't understand.
What could be happening
to everyone's money?
[bank whirs]
Mwa ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Looks like
the reprogramming I did
worked perfectly!
Knickknack will be ruined,
and I'll be rich!
Whoever said "change is good"
must've also stolen money
from kids.
Mwa ha ha ha!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Geneva.
Looks like something
arrived for you today.
Ooh! My desk!
No, it's something
on top of your desk.
Ooh! My lamp!
No, it's something
beside your lamp.
Ooh! My desk!
It's not your desk!
I'm just going to give up
and read the new issue
of Ditz Magazine
that I see has arrived!
Okay, I decided
to start subtle
with an article titled
"Have a romantic lunch
with a guy wearing a tie."
"Have a romantic lunch
with a guy wearing a pie."
What a coincidence!
I'm wearing a...
Wait, wearing a what?
"Pie?"
I must have
made a typo!
Sounds like
good advice,
but no one around
here's wearing a pie.
Well, hello there,
cutie-pie.
[♪♪♪]
Okay.
I've been trying to figure out
what to do,
and I came up with a plan.
[Piper]: Me too!
Here, let me fix
your collar!
Forget my collar.
We've got bigger problems.
We have to solve the mystery
of the disappearing coins.
Right.
And you don't want
to solve a mystery
with a sloppy collar.
I gave this kid
in my neighbourhood
a Greedy Pig Piggy Bank.
I'm going to borrow
my uncle's car
and stake out the kid's house
tonight.
We'll see if anyone's
breaking in to steal the money.
A stakeout?
All night?
I'm in.
Just the two of us,
working hand-in-hand,
side by side,
collar to collar.
Just you and me...
and Mrs. Bubkes.
I only have
my learner's permit,
so I need a licensed driver
in the car.
Can't... move!
Exactly.
We can't move from this spot
until we catch the person
responsible
for the missing coins!
Right,
Mrs. Bubkes?
[laughs nervously]
Righty-oh.
[♪♪♪]
Although that typo
wasn't great,
and I couldn't see Geneva
through the pie,
I actually got to have lunch
with her!
Then later,
when I was in
the back alley,
I could feel her
licking the pie
off my face
and purring
like a kitten.
Wow, sounds like
she was a real animal.
A real animal.
And now that we've
had lunch here,
it's time to take things
to the next level...
an actual date.
Thanks to me,
the new issue
of Ditz magazine
has an article called
"Go Out With a Guy
With Brown Hair."
"Go Out with a Guy
with Clown Hair."
What? Clown hair?
How do all these typos
keep happening?
I have no idea!
Here.
[razor buzzes]
Thanks!
You're a true friend.
[buzzes]
Shall we head out
to the restaurant?
We can take my cannon.
After you, my dear.
[speaks Meeskatanian]
maybe give up.
[speaks Meeskatanian]
never catch me.
Never catch thief.
[chuckles]
English hard.
I'm with Mrs. Bubkes.
This night
is pointless.
Completely pointless.
Wait! I see something!
Suspect has
a dark coat.
It's approaching
the house!
It's climbing a tree
by the child's bedroom!
It's nibbling
an acorn!
It's a squirrel.
Maybe you're right.
No one's coming.
But someone's leaving!
Really?
The Greedy Pig
Piggy Bank
is leaving the house!
Where could it
be going?
I know!
You and I
should stay in the car...
alone...
just the two of us...
making sure
each other's shirts
are neat and presentable...
while Mrs. Bubkes
catches the pig
before it gets to market
or goes "wee wee wee"
all the way home.
Good idea!
No! Stop!
[Piper, groaning]
Nnnnngh!
It's not enough
to catch one pig.
We need to follow it.
It will probably
lead us back
to whoever's
behind all this.
[Bubkes]:
Good thinking.
Buckle up
and hold on tight!
You and me
on a wild ride!
And Mrs. Bubkes,
of course.
Of course.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
This is exciting!
I've never been
in a high-speed chase before.
You still haven't.
[other car
honks horn]
Go around!
[police sirens]
Go around?
Do you know how fast
you weren't going?
I'm sorry.
I'm having a problem
with a pig.
What did you call me?
No!
I wasn't talking
about you!
I would never
call you a pig,
Officer...
Hamm?
It's pronounced
Hammemm.
Two "M"s.
I'm going to need
to see your license.
[sighs]
This is a learner's permit.
You need to be driving
with a licensed adult.
I am.
Then I'm gonna
need
to see your
license, Ma'am.
No problem!
Problem.
I really need
to see it.
[grunting]
Now I know why
you didn't want me to see this.
[speaks Meeskatanian]
can explain...
No need, Ma'am.
Everyone looks hideous
in their driver's license photo.
[♪♪♪]
So, how was your date
with Geneva?
It was fine, except that guys
kept coming up to her
and saying,
"Why are you dating this clown?"
I guess it's to be expected
with that hair.
I was wearing a hat.
But the hair,
the pie in the face,
it's all going to pay off
when Geneva
gets the next issue.
Hey, Geneva, something
just came in the mail for you.
A Ditz magazine
came at night?
For the second
time today?
And the third monthly
issue this month?
Cool!
This headline takes no chances,
and is very clearly about me.
"Kiss a guy
who is a pain in the butt!"
Ooh!
This sounds
like good advice.
"Kiss a guy who has
a pain in the butt!"
Who "has"
a pain in the butt?
That's another typo!
This is terrible!
I don't have
a pain in my butt!
My butt feels amazing!
I guess you'll have
to do something about that
if you want Geneva to kiss you.
Injure my butt?
But my butt is
my best feature!
Other than
my pouty lips,
my sultry eyes,
and my legs that
go on for days.
[♪♪♪]
I'll let you off with
a warning this time,
but try and drive
a little faster.
And show us men in blue
a little respect.
I will, officer.
I promise.
Great! We lost the pig!
[Officer Hamm]:
Aw, come on!
I meant
the piggy bank.
It got away!
I did?
I will.
I will... catch pig.
English still hard.
[Piper]: Oof!
Well, I guess
it's just the two of us now.
No one between us.
Or beside us.
Where are you going?
I can't drive
without a licensed
adult in the car.
You know,
it's such a beautiful night.
Why don't you and I
forget the car
and just...
Walk?
Take the bus!
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Just... need...
to...
[rattles]
I think we ran
over something.
[Bowie]: Aah! My butt!
Thank you!
[♪♪♪]
Okay.
I got here first.
But how am I going
to get these coins out of here
without anyone noticing?
[jingles]
This is perfect.
No one will know
where the coins are.
[whirring]
Uh-oh.
Thanks for coming
on the stakeout with me.
Too bad tonight
was such a waste of time.
Maybe not.
Piper...
you doing that just now
made me realize something.
Really?
Something I should have
realized a long time ago.
Yes! You should have!
I... I...
should stop wearing shirts
with collars.
They're such a hassle!
Anyway,
thanks for fixing it for me.
You're a real friend.
[elevator dings,
doors slide open]
Friend.
Great.
Well, I guess
we'll never figure out
where those pigs go at night.
Actually,
I think we will.
[muffled screaming]
Someone's under there!
Whoever it is
must be the thief!
[muffled screaming]
We're going
to finally find out
who's responsible
for all this.
[pigs squeal]
[Jarvis and Piper]:
Candace?
Candace?
I mean, yes!
It's me! Candace!
Of course it's you!
We have to tell
Mrs. Bubkes
we caught the thief.
And that we got all
the kids' money back!
And this...
Huh...
There's a babushka
in this one.
Must belong
to a Meeskatanian kid.
Good morning, Geneva.
Notice anything special
about me?
I do!
You forgot to wear pants
over your diaper!
This isn't a diaper.
It's a butt cast.
Although since I can't
take it off for six weeks,
it will also serve as a diaper.
The point is,
I have a pain in the butt.
Really?
Ditz Magazine says
I should kiss someone
who has a pain in the butt.
Isn't that weird?
If you think that's weird,
wait till you read
what the next issue
wants you to do.
Well, if Ditz Magazine
says I should kiss you,
I guess
I should kiss you.
Don't listen to Ditz!
None of the tips in that
worthless magazine work!
Really?
Good to know!
Great!
I took a pie, ruined my hair,
jumped in front of a bus,
and waxed my legs for nothing!
The magazine told you
to wax your legs?
No, you did!
So I'd look good for
the swimsuit issue.
Oh yeah.
Well, would you at
least sign my cast?
If I have to.
"Get... well...
soon."
That says
"Get well, goon!"
Oops, I must have
made a...
typo.
[gasps]
It was you!
You changed all
those headlines!
[gasps theatrically]
Yes.
[♪♪♪]
[Announcer]: If you're a fan
of Ditz Magazine,
you should know about Fake Ditz!
Each issue
contains terrible advice,
countless typos,
and revolting cover models!
Subscribe now and receive
a new issue every few hours!
The magazine is free,
or pay just $14.95
not to receive it.
Don't unsubscribe,
and you'll also receive
this special swimsuit edition!
I'm P. Everett
Knickknack.
The "P" stands for
"Pay the 15 bucks."
Trust me.
It's worth it.
[♪♪♪]
Greedy Pig Piggy Bank
commercial, take one.
And... action!
Greedy Pig, the piggy bank
that makes saving
f-aaahhhhhhhhhhh!
Cut!
Bowie, what are you doing?
Obviously this commercial
takes place in the sky,
so I'm falling to my death.
Kind of a dark premise
for a toy commercial,
but you're the boss.
It doesn't take place
in the sky!
That's just
a blue screen.
We're going
to digitally
replace it later
with a different
background.
You're in a little
boy's bedroom.
Just stick to the script.
Got it.
Greedy Pig Piggy Bank
commercial, take two.
And... action!
[oink oink oink oink]
[whispering]
Greedy Pig
sniffs out coins
and eats them...
[oinks]
storing them safely
in his belly.
Cut!
Why are you whispering?
You said I'm in
a little boy's bedroom.
I don't want
to wake him up.
Or his parents.
They'll probably
call the cops,
since I'm creeping around
some kid's bedroom.
You're playing
the little boy!
Aster, I wish
you'd agreed to do this.
I told you, enough people
think I'm a little boy already.
Like this morning
when I was walking to work...
"Are you lost, little boy?"
I had to tell them
I wasn't a little boy.
And then ask for directions
because I actually was lost.
Let's just
try it again.
Greedy Pig Piggy
Bank commercial,
take
whatever comes after two.
Okay, remembering
you're a little boy,
and this is your room...
And... action!
[in baby voice]
Hewlp! Hewlp!
There's people in my woom
I don't know!
Stwanger danger!
Stwanger danger!
Cut!
New plan.
Bowie...
you're fired!
We'll make the background
a little girl's room
and find a new kid.
[both]: I'll do it!
We'll flip a coin.
Call it!
Heads!
Hello.
Is Coin there, please?
[oinks]
Great.
Now we're out of coins.
We can still
record the voice
for the P. Everett
Knickknack cartoon.
I guess that's true.
And... action.
[in Knickknack's voice]
I'm P. Everett Knickknack.
The "P" stands for
"piggy bank!"
[♪♪♪]
♪ Buckle up ♪
♪ And hold on tight ♪
♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪
♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪
♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪
♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪
♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪
♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ You got me ♪
♪ I got you ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
There you are!
I've been looking
everywhere for you!
I'm just reading
a magazine!
Not you.
Why would anyone
look for you?
Well, they might be trying
to find me to yell at me
for creepily staring at them
using a fake magazine.
For example.
I was looking for you, Geneva.
Did you order those supplies
I need?
Don't you try
to fly away from this!
I'm not trying to fly away.
Ditz magazine
says flapping like a bird
tones your arm muscles...
and helps your nails
dry faster.
If Ditz magazine told you
to jump off the roof,
would you?
Yeah!
I'd do anything Ditz magazine
tells me to!
Really? Anything?
Geneva,
you shouldn't blindly follow
the things in this magazine.
They're stupid.
"Want to break in
those new shoes?
Skip the elevator
and jump off the roof!"
"Lose ten pounds instantly
by cutting off your arm!"
"Try this sure-fire move
to make your guy friend
your boyfriend!"
Ooh, can I borrow this?
[♪♪♪]
[oinking]
Ugh!
Why did I choose today
to wear my penny loafers?
[kicking]
I'm glad that unpleasantness
is behind me!
Yaaah!
But there's worse unpleasantness
in front of me.
[camera shutter clicks]
Bowie...
what are you doing?
A cover shoot
for Ditz Magazine.
[shutter clicks]
Why?
Did every model on earth
read last month's issue
and jump off a roof?
If not, they will
when they see the next issue.
No...
Geneva said she does everything
Ditz Magazine tells her to.
[shutter clicks]
So I'm creating
a fake issue
that will trick her
into dating me.
[shutter clicks]
Here are
a few of the article ideas
I'm working on.
"Not hot is hot,"
"Date 'em
even if you hate 'em,"
and "Go out with Bowie.
Do it. DO IT!"
I hope that last one's
not too subtle.
[shutter clicks]
Bowie!
How could you...
wear an A-line skirt
with chunky boots?
If you're going to do this,
let's do it right.
"Take your relationship
to the next level
by adjusting his collar.
It creates intimacy,
shows you care,
and brings your lips
close to his."
Jarvis!
Let me fix your collar!
I don't have a collar.
[phone rings]
Yes, you do.
[phone rings again]
[rings again, then cuts off]
Oh, phew.
Your caller went away.
It was probably a store
ordering more
Greedy Pig Piggy Banks.
Kids love them!
Those pigs are flying
off the shelves!
[typing madly]
What are you doing?
I once said I'll do work
"when pigs fly."
It's just
an expression.
The pigs aren't
actually flying.
Really?
[phone rings]
Geneva, even though
no pigs are flying,
can you please
deal with that?
Sure.
[phone continues ringing]
Knickknack Toys!
This guy says his kid
put his allowance
in a Greedy
Pig Piggy Bank,
and now
the money's gone.
I have no idea
what happened, sir.
Sorry. Ma'am.
Okay, let me
transfer you
to a different
department.
Jarvis!
I didn't know
what else to do!
Her kid probably
spent the money
and blamed the pig
so he wouldn't get
in trouble.
It's not like there's a problem
with the toy
that makes
people's money disappear.
I'm sorry!
I don't know what happened
to her tooth fairy money.
No, we do care.
We're trying to figure out
how this is happening.
Hey, Ashley.
Just at work.
Nothin'.
I don't understand.
What could be happening
to everyone's money?
[bank whirs]
Mwa ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Looks like
the reprogramming I did
worked perfectly!
Knickknack will be ruined,
and I'll be rich!
Whoever said "change is good"
must've also stolen money
from kids.
Mwa ha ha ha!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Geneva.
Looks like something
arrived for you today.
Ooh! My desk!
No, it's something
on top of your desk.
Ooh! My lamp!
No, it's something
beside your lamp.
Ooh! My desk!
It's not your desk!
I'm just going to give up
and read the new issue
of Ditz Magazine
that I see has arrived!
Okay, I decided
to start subtle
with an article titled
"Have a romantic lunch
with a guy wearing a tie."
"Have a romantic lunch
with a guy wearing a pie."
What a coincidence!
I'm wearing a...
Wait, wearing a what?
"Pie?"
I must have
made a typo!
Sounds like
good advice,
but no one around
here's wearing a pie.
Well, hello there,
cutie-pie.
[♪♪♪]
Okay.
I've been trying to figure out
what to do,
and I came up with a plan.
[Piper]: Me too!
Here, let me fix
your collar!
Forget my collar.
We've got bigger problems.
We have to solve the mystery
of the disappearing coins.
Right.
And you don't want
to solve a mystery
with a sloppy collar.
I gave this kid
in my neighbourhood
a Greedy Pig Piggy Bank.
I'm going to borrow
my uncle's car
and stake out the kid's house
tonight.
We'll see if anyone's
breaking in to steal the money.
A stakeout?
All night?
I'm in.
Just the two of us,
working hand-in-hand,
side by side,
collar to collar.
Just you and me...
and Mrs. Bubkes.
I only have
my learner's permit,
so I need a licensed driver
in the car.
Can't... move!
Exactly.
We can't move from this spot
until we catch the person
responsible
for the missing coins!
Right,
Mrs. Bubkes?
[laughs nervously]
Righty-oh.
[♪♪♪]
Although that typo
wasn't great,
and I couldn't see Geneva
through the pie,
I actually got to have lunch
with her!
Then later,
when I was in
the back alley,
I could feel her
licking the pie
off my face
and purring
like a kitten.
Wow, sounds like
she was a real animal.
A real animal.
And now that we've
had lunch here,
it's time to take things
to the next level...
an actual date.
Thanks to me,
the new issue
of Ditz magazine
has an article called
"Go Out With a Guy
With Brown Hair."
"Go Out with a Guy
with Clown Hair."
What? Clown hair?
How do all these typos
keep happening?
I have no idea!
Here.
[razor buzzes]
Thanks!
You're a true friend.
[buzzes]
Shall we head out
to the restaurant?
We can take my cannon.
After you, my dear.
[speaks Meeskatanian]
maybe give up.
[speaks Meeskatanian]
never catch me.
Never catch thief.
[chuckles]
English hard.
I'm with Mrs. Bubkes.
This night
is pointless.
Completely pointless.
Wait! I see something!
Suspect has
a dark coat.
It's approaching
the house!
It's climbing a tree
by the child's bedroom!
It's nibbling
an acorn!
It's a squirrel.
Maybe you're right.
No one's coming.
But someone's leaving!
Really?
The Greedy Pig
Piggy Bank
is leaving the house!
Where could it
be going?
I know!
You and I
should stay in the car...
alone...
just the two of us...
making sure
each other's shirts
are neat and presentable...
while Mrs. Bubkes
catches the pig
before it gets to market
or goes "wee wee wee"
all the way home.
Good idea!
No! Stop!
[Piper, groaning]
Nnnnngh!
It's not enough
to catch one pig.
We need to follow it.
It will probably
lead us back
to whoever's
behind all this.
[Bubkes]:
Good thinking.
Buckle up
and hold on tight!
You and me
on a wild ride!
And Mrs. Bubkes,
of course.
Of course.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
This is exciting!
I've never been
in a high-speed chase before.
You still haven't.
[other car
honks horn]
Go around!
[police sirens]
Go around?
Do you know how fast
you weren't going?
I'm sorry.
I'm having a problem
with a pig.
What did you call me?
No!
I wasn't talking
about you!
I would never
call you a pig,
Officer...
Hamm?
It's pronounced
Hammemm.
Two "M"s.
I'm going to need
to see your license.
[sighs]
This is a learner's permit.
You need to be driving
with a licensed adult.
I am.
Then I'm gonna
need
to see your
license, Ma'am.
No problem!
Problem.
I really need
to see it.
[grunting]
Now I know why
you didn't want me to see this.
[speaks Meeskatanian]
can explain...
No need, Ma'am.
Everyone looks hideous
in their driver's license photo.
[♪♪♪]
So, how was your date
with Geneva?
It was fine, except that guys
kept coming up to her
and saying,
"Why are you dating this clown?"
I guess it's to be expected
with that hair.
I was wearing a hat.
But the hair,
the pie in the face,
it's all going to pay off
when Geneva
gets the next issue.
Hey, Geneva, something
just came in the mail for you.
A Ditz magazine
came at night?
For the second
time today?
And the third monthly
issue this month?
Cool!
This headline takes no chances,
and is very clearly about me.
"Kiss a guy
who is a pain in the butt!"
Ooh!
This sounds
like good advice.
"Kiss a guy who has
a pain in the butt!"
Who "has"
a pain in the butt?
That's another typo!
This is terrible!
I don't have
a pain in my butt!
My butt feels amazing!
I guess you'll have
to do something about that
if you want Geneva to kiss you.
Injure my butt?
But my butt is
my best feature!
Other than
my pouty lips,
my sultry eyes,
and my legs that
go on for days.
[♪♪♪]
I'll let you off with
a warning this time,
but try and drive
a little faster.
And show us men in blue
a little respect.
I will, officer.
I promise.
Great! We lost the pig!
[Officer Hamm]:
Aw, come on!
I meant
the piggy bank.
It got away!
I did?
I will.
I will... catch pig.
English still hard.
[Piper]: Oof!
Well, I guess
it's just the two of us now.
No one between us.
Or beside us.
Where are you going?
I can't drive
without a licensed
adult in the car.
You know,
it's such a beautiful night.
Why don't you and I
forget the car
and just...
Walk?
Take the bus!
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Just... need...
to...
[rattles]
I think we ran
over something.
[Bowie]: Aah! My butt!
Thank you!
[♪♪♪]
Okay.
I got here first.
But how am I going
to get these coins out of here
without anyone noticing?
[jingles]
This is perfect.
No one will know
where the coins are.
[whirring]
Uh-oh.
Thanks for coming
on the stakeout with me.
Too bad tonight
was such a waste of time.
Maybe not.
Piper...
you doing that just now
made me realize something.
Really?
Something I should have
realized a long time ago.
Yes! You should have!
I... I...
should stop wearing shirts
with collars.
They're such a hassle!
Anyway,
thanks for fixing it for me.
You're a real friend.
[elevator dings,
doors slide open]
Friend.
Great.
Well, I guess
we'll never figure out
where those pigs go at night.
Actually,
I think we will.
[muffled screaming]
Someone's under there!
Whoever it is
must be the thief!
[muffled screaming]
We're going
to finally find out
who's responsible
for all this.
[pigs squeal]
[Jarvis and Piper]:
Candace?
Candace?
I mean, yes!
It's me! Candace!
Of course it's you!
We have to tell
Mrs. Bubkes
we caught the thief.
And that we got all
the kids' money back!
And this...
Huh...
There's a babushka
in this one.
Must belong
to a Meeskatanian kid.
Good morning, Geneva.
Notice anything special
about me?
I do!
You forgot to wear pants
over your diaper!
This isn't a diaper.
It's a butt cast.
Although since I can't
take it off for six weeks,
it will also serve as a diaper.
The point is,
I have a pain in the butt.
Really?
Ditz Magazine says
I should kiss someone
who has a pain in the butt.
Isn't that weird?
If you think that's weird,
wait till you read
what the next issue
wants you to do.
Well, if Ditz Magazine
says I should kiss you,
I guess
I should kiss you.
Don't listen to Ditz!
None of the tips in that
worthless magazine work!
Really?
Good to know!
Great!
I took a pie, ruined my hair,
jumped in front of a bus,
and waxed my legs for nothing!
The magazine told you
to wax your legs?
No, you did!
So I'd look good for
the swimsuit issue.
Oh yeah.
Well, would you at
least sign my cast?
If I have to.
"Get... well...
soon."
That says
"Get well, goon!"
Oops, I must have
made a...
typo.
[gasps]
It was you!
You changed all
those headlines!
[gasps theatrically]
Yes.
[♪♪♪]
[Announcer]: If you're a fan
of Ditz Magazine,
you should know about Fake Ditz!
Each issue
contains terrible advice,
countless typos,
and revolting cover models!
Subscribe now and receive
a new issue every few hours!
The magazine is free,
or pay just $14.95
not to receive it.
Don't unsubscribe,
and you'll also receive
this special swimsuit edition!
I'm P. Everett
Knickknack.
The "P" stands for
"Pay the 15 bucks."
Trust me.
It's worth it.
[♪♪♪]