Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 8 - Angie - full transcript

♪ Angie's tall
with hair of gold ♪

♪ Hourglass figure
19 years old ♪

♪ Other girls study
and read their books ♪

♪ 'Cause they don't have
her lovely looks ♪

♪ Angie's perfect
as you can see ♪

♪ The ideal girl
you ought to be ♪

[Announcer]:
Angie! New, from Knickknack.

I'm P. Everett
Knickknack.

The "P" stands
for pretty.

[Wolf whistle]

Wow!



Shows were really short
in the olden days.

It was a commercial.

Just like the other
12 commercials we watched

that you also thought
were TV shows.

Angie's been
one of Knickknack's top sellers

for years...

and she's turning 75 this month.

Wow, she still looks goo-ood.

If you like women
with impossible curves

squeezed into skimpy outfits.

-I do.
-Me too.

Who wouldn't?

Love her!

To celebrate Angie's birthday,



we're going to bring her
into the 21st Century.

You mean give her
an education and a career?

And a sandwich?

No!

Give her a high-tech way
to look hotter than ever!

Aster, show them what
you've been working on.

Say hello
to Angie's Fashion Printer.

Hello.

He's not saying "hi" back.

Kids can use this to make
their own outfits for Angie.

They come out
perfectly tailored

to Angie's proportions.

[Printer runs]

It's like having a designer
dress factory at home...

for those, unlike me,
who don't actually have

a designer dress factory
at home.

Look, Aster,
it's just your size.

[Laughs mockingly]

This one would look
good on you, Piper.

Really?

You think I'd look good
in something?

I'm as surprised
as you are!

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

[Jarvis, monster voice]
I am a very powerful monster!

Even if I do smell
like a kid's butt!

[Door opens and closes]

Jarvis, are you here?

[Monster voice]: Who's asking?

It's Piper.

Oh, hey, Piper.

I was just having a meeting
with the chair...

...man of the board!

Anyway, we need to talk
about the Angie doll

and how crazy her body is.

I know.
It's awesome!

Crazy as in impossible!

Young girls don't need dolls
based on unattainable ideals.

What are you going
to do about this?

[Monster voice]:
I can't think right now.

I have a monster headache.

Jarvis!

Okay, okay.

How about this?

For the 75th anniversary,
we'll completely redesign Angie

and base her on a real girl.

Great idea, Piper!

Yes! Thank you!

I guess we'll need Aster

to reprogram
the Fashion Printer.

I'll just...

No! Don't take that!

Why?

No reason.

[Audience laughs]

I don't think you should be
feeding sequins to the new guy.

Bowie accidentally had some
for lunch,

and he is not feeling well.

[retches loudly]

I thought they were candy.

Disgusting...

Yet beautiful.

[Printer whirs and beeps]

[Whines, then shuts down]

Aster!
Your sequins broke the printer.

It's just jammed.

I'll hold open the rollers,

you reach in
and pull out the dress.

Ow, my finger's stuck!

Maybe if I tell it
to print another outfit,

it will push out your finger
and the jammed dress.

[Printer whirs]

Oh, yeah.
Take it off.

Aster! I broke a nail!

This is your fault!

It's okay.
They grow back!

It's not working!

[♪♪♪]

Sign up for the Miss
Knickknack Beauty Pageant.

Sign up for
the Miss Knickknack

Beauty Pageant.

Hey, Piper.

Beauty pageant?

What better way to find
a gorgeous girl?

Seriously,
do you know a better way?

This place is going to be
crawling with hot chi...

charming... hot chicks.

Girls like Angie
because she's gorgeous.

If we find an even prettier girl
to be the new Angie,

girls will like her
more than ever!

Great idea, Piper!

When we talked about finding
a real girl to be the new Angie,

this is not what I had in mind.

Well, we can't read your mind.

Man, it would be so great
if we could read girls' minds.

Try mine now.

You want to take me
on a date?

A picnic?

Where we'll lie on a blanket,
looking up at the sky,

seeing shapes in the clouds?

And you'll say, "That one
looks like a bunny."

And I'll say, "That one?"

And you'll say,
"No, that one."

And then we'll both
start to laugh,

because they all look
like bunnies.

Don't leave me hanging.
Am I close?

Aster, what am I going to do?

They're holding
a beauty pageant,

and thanks to you,
I'm hideously deformed!

[Audience laughs]

It's just a broken nail.
No one will even notice.

Are you kidding?
This is my waving hand!

[Audience laughs]

Just use your other hand.

I'm right-handed.

I haven't trained
with my left hand!

Can't you just get
a fake nail?

[Gasps]

Excuse me?
A fake nail?

That would be unethical.

In the pageant world,
nothing is fake.

This is a real spray tan.

These are real extensions.

These are not
fake fake eyelashes.

These are real fake eyelashes.

I'm sorry.

I should've realized

how important
this unimportant thing

would be to you.

I'll just file down
your broken nail.

[filing]

There.
Looking sharp.

Aster!

You filed off
the nail polish

and made it all pointy!

This doesn't look anything
like my other nails.

No problem, I'll fix it.

I look worse than ever!

No... You look great!

[vomiting]

If we put the judges'
table here,

we'll have a great view
of the girls.

If we put the judges'
table on stage,

we'll have an even better view.

If we put the judges' table
in their dressing room...

Maybe instead
of a beauty pageant,

we should find the new Angie

by holding
an essay contest!

I mean, what could be more fun

than reading thousand-word
essays

about women's rights
and healthy body image?

Not reading them?

This is disgusting.

You're just doing this

so the two of you can ogle
a bunch of pretty girls.

How dare you?

"Ogle" means
to stare at longingly.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Piper's got a point.

We shouldn't put on a pageant

just so the two of us
can look at pretty girls.

Right.

We should broadcast it
on the web

so everyone can look
at pretty girls!

Great idea, Piper!

I think she's
"ogling" us.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Aster, have you figured out
how to fix my nails?

I cannot be
in the Miss Knickknack Pageant

with this hideous claw!

Oh, hey, good hand.

I wasn't talking about you.
You're gorgeous.

I was talking
about your ugly stepsister!

Don't worry, problem solved.

I picked you up a set of...

real fake nails.

Yay! Thank you!

Just a little drop
of glue on each nail...

Aaah!

Oops.
Okay, don't panic.

What do you mean, don't panic?

I was talking to myself.

It worked. I'm not
panicking at all.

Well, I am!

I think the judges will notice

that my fingers
are stuck together!

[Audience laughs]

[♪♪♪]

[Hair dryer hums]

Still trying to melt
that glue off?

Yep.
It's been three hours.

But once I start something,
I...

Did you want to finish
that thought?

Nah, you get the...

[Turns off hair dryer]

Anyway...
I tracked down the woman

that was the original model
for the Angie doll

and called her.

Her name is Angela Cavendish,
she's really old,

and she lives in a nursing home.

Isn't that fantastic?

Well...
not for her, I guess.

The real Angie's
coming here?

Yes, and she's very upset

at how
the original doll designers

distorted her appearance.

She didn't feel this reflected
how she really looked.

Now she's coming here
to speak out against Angie

once and for all!

So I get to meet
the real Angie?

Did you listen
to a word I said?

I tried not to,
but three still snuck through.

"Angie," "coming," "here."

Angie coming here?

[woman]: Excuse me? I'm
looking for Piper Gray.

You're Angie?

That's what my grandchildren
call me.

You look just
as I always imagined!

Except in my imagination,
you're not made of leather.

Kids these days, no respect.

Pretty, though.

That's what counts.

There's more to life
than looking pretty.

You're wrong, young man.

[♪♪♪]

Aster, all that blow-drying
made my hand all dry and scaly.

What are we going to do?
The pageant is in four hours!

[Audience laughs]

[Laughing again]

You just need some
moisture back in your skin.

I know!

A nourishing seaweed wrap!

The best thing to use
is a rare seaweed

found only
in the intertidal pools

of Shirahama Beach
on Japan's Izu Peninsula,

harvested by 13-year-old girls
during a full moon.

Wow. That's what this is?

No.

But the stuff they use

to make the dynamite rolls
at Num Num Sushi

is just as good.

Okay, let's take
a look-see.

There, good as new.

Good as new?

I have a lizard hand!

A new lizard hand!

[♪♪♪]

I don't understand.

On the phone,
you said the Angie doll

was a misrepresentation
of your appearance.

It looks exactly like you!

You should get your
eyes checked, boy.

I'm a platinum blonde.

Those fools made me
a honey blonde!

They got my figure
right, though.

But you still hate
the whole thing

and want to speak out
against it, right?

You're darn tootin'.

Works for me!

[Elevator dings]

Jarvis, Bowie, I'd like you
to meet the real Angie.

Really?

I almost would have guessed...

if it weren't
for the platinum blonde hair.

I am having a lot of
confusing feelings right now.

Most of the old ladies
I'm attracted to are shorter.

Tell them.

Tell them
how you're against Angie

and this whole pageant thing.

Pageant?

Yeah, we're holding
a contest to find a girl

to be the new
model for Angie.

That's a capital idea!

No...

No! That's a lower-case idea
at best.

Angela, since you're here,

you could be one of
the pageant judges.

Setting this up was brilliant.

Great idea, Piper.

I'll do it.
Sounds like a hoot.

Plus you three boys
probably won't mind

having those pretty girls
parading around.

It says here that if
lizards damage their tails,

they can grow a new one.

Maybe the same is true
of their hands.

Wait!

I have a solution!

Hold on,
let me try this first.

But I got you gloves.

Oh!

A pair of elegant gloves
might look good

on the pageant stage.

Exactly.

Aster, these are
lizard gloves!

Of course they are.

A human glove won't fit

your hideously deformed
lizard hand.

You know what?
You've done enough.

Time for someone who knows
about nail care to fix this.

Perfect.

How is this gonna help?

You're going to be my
hand double in the pageant.

Fine.

I guess it's only fair
that I lend you a hand.

[Giggles]

Spending time with you
can be so lonely.

[Drumroll, applause]

[Smooth jazz]

♪ Let's all find ♪

♪ Our next beauty queen ♪

♪ We'll see her stroll ♪

♪ in her string bikin... i ♪

Not so fast!
You're stepping on my heels!

How could I miss them?
Your feet are like canoes.

♪ Six feet tall ♪

♪ She will enthrall ♪

♪ She's a living doll ♪

♪ Fairest of them ♪

All?

Great idea, Piper.

Ick!

Ack.

Oy.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Where are our girls?

Our hot, gorgeous, beautiful,
attractive,

unattainable-except-for-maybe
for-a-pageant-judge girls?

I... don't know.

We'll be back in a moment,
after this...

message
from our celebrity judge.

Oh! This is
an opportunity

to promote the charity
I work with.

Do you know someone
who suffers from Lizard Hand?

I do!

Where did these girls
come from?

Some sort of swamp,
I'm guessing.

I changed the requirements
on our website

so the contestants
actually had to be

good role models.

But these girls
are all...

Beautiful in their own way.

Plus they're smart
and talented.

We need to cancel
the pageant.

Over my dead bodies!

Geneva's right.
We can't cancel it.

There are thousands
of people watching!

So with your donation,

we will find a cure
for Lizard Hand...

sometime in the next 300 years.

And we're back!

First up
in the Miss Knickknack Pageant,

the talent competition!

[Classical violin music]

[Flatline beep]

[Heart rate starts again]

[Applause]

Amazing!

You used fossilized DNA

to bring a Triassic
rainforest plant

back from extinction.

Plus its leaves
are a miracle cure for Lizard...

Face.

Yes!

And finally,
Knickknack's own Geneva Hayes!

[Applause]

I don't know what all those
useless talents were about,

but I'm going to show you
a real talent.

Baton twirling!

What?

Shouldn't we have
practiced this?

Just follow my lead.

[Brass band music]

Okay, now catch it.

I can't see it!

[Applause]

Hey, I'm actually
pretty good at this.

[Whistles through the air]

[Fwoosh]

Nooooo!

[Sobs]

He's not really crying.

Those are just
crocodile tears.

And now, the moment we've
all been waiting for,

where we announce
the new Miss Knickknack.

The winner will be the face
of Angie for the next 75 years.

But we're keeping the body!

No, we're not!

When looking at all these...

interesting girls,

I realized there was only
one possible choice.

Oh, you...

In my book,
you're all winners.

Just not of a beauty contest.

I'm thrilled to announce
Miss Knickknack is...

You know what?
This is a joke!

[Mmm-boing boings,
hits cymbal]

You're not going to pick
any of the girls I found.

That's true.

Miss Knickknack is...

Piper Gray!

[Gasps, applause]

Her?

Her?

Him?

Me?

You think I'm prettier
than all these girls?

Than Geneva?

No.

Oh...

Piper, because of you,

we got to see
all these incredible girls

and the amazing things
they have to offer.

You came up with a way to make
our search for the new Angie

about more
than a beautiful face,

a fancy dress,

or an exquisitely manicured
dainty hand.

I can't think of a better
role model for girls than you.

Jarvis, thank you.

Those were some amazing words
you said about me.

I meant them.

You're a really special girl,
Piper.

I know the other girls
must be disappointed,

but this is the nicest thing
anyone has ever done for me.

You're right.

They must be disappointed!

I bet Geneva's feeling
really vulnerable right now.

I should go comfort her!

Great idea, Piper!

Come...

You shouldn't be alone
right now.

It's okay.

We'll get through this
together.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Angie's tall
with hair of gold ♪

♪ Hourglass figure
19 years old ♪

[power chord plays]

Oh my! Who's there?

[Piper]: It's me!
The new Angie.

And I'm totally different.

I'm someone real girls
can relate to.

So we're going to need
a new song!

I think I know
just the number.

♪ Angie's new
as you can see ♪

That's right!

♪ Not as pretty
as she used to be ♪

Wait. What?

♪ All the boys
may run and hide ♪

I wouldn't say hide...

♪ But Angie's got beauty ♪

♪ It's just deep inside ♪

I hate you.

[Announcer]:
The new Angie from Knickknack!

Fashion Printer
sold separately.

I'm P. Everett Knickknack!

The "P" stands for...
personality.

I hate you too.

[♪♪♪]