Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 6 - Cupids Bow - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

Guess who has
a secret admirer!

Really?
I have a secret admirer?

No.

I have a secret admirer.

The secret is...

it's me.

[Bear squeaks]

I wuv you!

I'm so good to me.

Well, while you've been buying
Valentine's Day toys,



I've been designing them.

Oh, look, it's a
little, tiny plunger.

It's not a plunger.
It's an arrow.

Well, I'm going to put it
in the toilet anyway.

Gimme that!

That's your invention?
A plastic bow and arrow?

This is more than that.

When the arrow hits someone,

it emits
an ultrasonic sound wave

that stimulates the romantic
centre of the brain.

It makes the target momentarily
fall in love

with the first person they see.

So it creates
a false sense of love?

Unlike the real love
Teddy and I share.



[Bear squeaks]

I wuv you beary much.

I wuv you too, Teddy.

Cupid's Bow
is way better than that.

Here, I'll test it on someone,
like, oh, I don't know...

Jarvis?

[Loud sucking pop]

Piper!

[Magical chime]

Pretty, pretty Piper...

I love you so much, it hurts!

Right here...

And also a little
on my forehead.

Oh, hey, Piper.
What's going on?

Nnnnothing.

Just working on a new toy.

[Magic chime]

I love it.

And I love you!

I guess it works.

I don't know.

I think it needs more testing.

Hey, has anyone seen...

[Magical chime]

Piper!

I love you, Piper!

[Magical chiming]

Wait for me, my love!

[Elevator dings]

Piper, I think
you've done enough testing.

What makes you say that?

[Jarvis, dreamy]:
I love you, Piper.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

Someone...

help...

me!

Oh, no!

Have the trees come alive
to rid the world of man

and take back the planet?

We will not fall silently,
trees!

What are you
talking about?

Trees aren't alive.

People make them
out of wood.

I'm running

because it's the worst day
of the year...

Valentine's Day.

What's wrong?

Nobody bought
you flowers?

I wish!
Everybody bought me flowers!

[Banging and knocking]

[Clamoring]

And chocolates, and candy.

One guy bought me a house.

It's awful!

Not the house.

It's a seven-bedroom
Victorian villa.

[Loud banging]

Don't tell me
you're still tinkering

with that bow and arrow.

You tested it
a thousand times!

It works!

Well, it works
for a few seconds.

But it's called
Valentine's Day,

not Valentine's A Few Seconds.

I'm tweaking it so Jarvis
will love me for the whole day.

Is that so bad?

Yes!

I agree!

Why don't you just make
Jarvis fall for you

the same way everyone else
makes people fall for them...

by changing everything
about yourself?

I'd start
with your outfit.

No, wait!
Your hair!

No! Your makeup.

Gah! You decide.

I'm going to stick
with the bow.

I can't let you do that!

Give it back!

I'm not going to let you
shoot Jarvis with this.

[Loud sucking pop]

Ow!

Too late.

[Magical chime]

There you are, my love!

Uhh...

which one of us
is he talking to?

Who did he see first?

You're so beautiful!

Sorry, Piper.
Looks like it's me.

[Loud pop]

I love you, Piper.

It's you?

Well, I guess you're getting
your Valentine's Day.

Yeah... and
a few more days.

I was still tweaking the bow
when you grabbed it.

The effect isn't going
to wear off after one day.

How long is it
going to last?

Just four...

Days?

Ever.

Are you serious?

What are we going to do?

Live with the consequences,
I guess.

That should keep those monsters
from showering me

with compliments
and expensive gifts!

[Banging, yelling]

Oh no!
I need a place to hide!

Aaahh!

Mrs. Bubkes?
What are you doing in here?

Uh...

[Babbles in other language]
Elevator!

Wait a second.

What's all this?

Uhhh...

You obviously use this makeup
to...

pretty yourself up!

[Giggles,
speaks other language]

...pretty!

Meow!

Maybe instead of prettying
yourself up,

you can use this makeup
to make me less pretty!

Then the guys
will leave me alone.

Can you imagine
what it would be like

to have no guys interested
in you at all?

Yes.

[Elevator dings]

Piper, I brought you
some beautiful flowers.

Although their beauty
is no match for yours.

Aw, that's so sweet!

I'll put them
with the others you got me.

Jarvis, I get that your love
for Piper

is making you see past the fact
that it's Piper...

but she does not need
more flowers.

You're right.

She needs candy!

[Elevator dings]

That's it.

You're going
to sit at your desk

until you figure out
a way to reverse the effect.

Ow!

[magical chime]

Don't look at me!

[Bowie]: Hey!

Get your own mound of flowers!

I was napping in here.

Bowie...

I love you!

What did you say?

Seriously, I
couldn't hear you.

I think there's
a bee in my ear.

[Buzzing sound]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[Piper sighs happily]

Piper, why are you staring
at me like that?

Sorry. I'll stare
at you like this.

[Sighs]

Yeah...
I'm gonna go.

Where are we going?

Somewhere by myself.

Ooh! Can I come?

I love being by myself
with you.

Look, over there!
It's Bowie!

Where?
I love Bowie!

[Jarvis]: Piper,
I got you some candy!

Aw, that's so sweet.

The candy's sweet.
Not the gesture.

The gesture is hollow
and meaningless,

because I'm in love
with someone else.

But I love you

with the passion
of a thousand burning suns!

Sorry.

You're not my type.

I'm into gorgeous,
handsome, hunky guys...

like Bowie.

Phew!

For a while there, I was
worried Piper was acting weird.

Finally she's saying
something that makes sense.

[Loud crash]

[Yelling, clamoring]

[Yelling dies away]

Looking for me?

Mrs. Bubkes!

It only worked
on some of those guys!

I don't get it.

They can't possibly
like my personality.

[Speaks other language]

...no kidding.

We're just going to have
to go to the next level.

[Speaks other language]
not a real elevator.

Aster, I need your help!
Piper won't leave me alone!

She bought me
this cool rubber stamp,

and I really like it,

but that's not the basis
for a relationship!

Why is she suddenly
in love me?

It's the bow.

Yeah...

She's in love
with "The Bow."

By the way, I usually
go by "Bowie."

Though I do like
that nickname...

"The Bow."

Anyway, what's The Bow
supposed to do about this?

You don't understand.
The bow made her fall in love.

No, I get it.

"The Bow" is charming.
"The Bow" is handsome.

Ladies love "The Bow."

But how do I get Piper
to stop loving "The Bow?"

[Piper]: I told you, Jarvis!

Stop pursuing me!

Never, my love!
[Sighs]

Doesn't it seem strange to you
that Jarvis is after Piper,

but she's not interested?

I see.

He thinks Piper
is playing hard to get.

That's why she's into me.

She thinks
I'm playing hard to get.

But I'm not playing
hard to get.

I am hard to get.

I don't get you at all.

So maybe
I should change my tactic.

If I pretend
I'm in love with Piper,

she'll lose interest.

I'm telling you, that's
not going to be enough

to counteract the
power of the bow.

I know, I know.

"The Bow" is irresistible.

But I have to try something.

Thanks for working this out
with me, Aster.

Much love from "The Bow."

[Geneva]: One minute, boys!
Just putting my face on.

Mrs. Bubkes,

you are really good
with prosthetic makeup.

Have you done this before?

[Chatters in other language]

[Laughs]

No.

Okay, boys.
Ready or not, here I come.

[Screaming]

It worked!
I'm free!

Thanks, Mrs. Bubkes.

I can finally spend
Valentine's Day

the way you do...

Alone.

Oh...
[Chatters in other language]

Wow.

He's the only guy left.

And he's still
interested in me,

even though I look like this.

Which means...

we have failed!

[♪♪♪]

Bowie?

Where are you, my love?

[Bowie]: I'm out here.

[Romantic jazz]

Tonight's just going
to be you, me,

and a bottle of bubbly.

Oh, Bowie!
This is so...

Repulsive?

Romantic!

I was worried you didn't feel
the same way I do.

No, I love you so much.

Some might even say too much.

So I would not be offended
if you stopped loving me...

right now.

Immediately.

Forever.

I'll never stop loving you!

[stamp stamp stamp stamp]

Oops.
Wrong stamp.

I'll just have to kiss you
the old-fashioned way.

Unhand my woman!

Well...

unface my woman's hands.

This isn't what
it looks like!

There's nothing
romantic going on!

Then explain this!

The soap weakens

the surface tension
of the water,

forming a thin, flexible skin

that stretches
into a spherical shape

and traps air.

Thank you.

I've always wondered
about that.

Now explain why it's here!

Now he's got us.

[Lightsaber hum]

Please! Don't!

I'm very fragile.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[Lightsaber hum]

I love Piper,

and I'm not going to let you
take her from me!

I don't love Piper,

and I want you to take her
from me!

Forget it, Jarvis!

Bowie and I
are madly in love.

Not helping!

[Lightsaber hum]

Admit it!

You're trying to
steal my Piper!

[Lightsaber powers down]

Aw!

Batteries are dead!

This will work!

Jarvis, please!
I'm not in love with...

[Magic chime]

anyone but Piper!

I knew it!

That's just
the bow talking!

My boyfriend,
"The Bow."

Talking about how
much he loves me.

[♪♪♪]

[Geneva]: Is he
still there?

Ba.

Well, he won't be
for long...

once he sees
what I look like now.

[Roars]

Ha! It worked!

I finally got rid
of all those guys.

I even posted a picture

of myself looking
like this online

so no one else
will come after me.

Thanks, Mrs. Bubkes!

[Speaks other language]

Don't mention it!

How did you even come up
with such a terrifying look?

[Stampeding, yelling people
approach]

Uh-oh.

[Yelling]

Stay away from me!
I'm a monster!

Because, like those guys,

Space Goblin
is my favourite sci-fi movie!

[Cackles]

Where's a spaceship
when you need one?

[Yelling]

Aster, help!

Jarvis and Bowie are fighting

because they're both
madly in love with me...

and madly mad
at each other.

Piper,
it's because of the bow.

Right, I'm in
love with Bowie...

The bow and arrow!

Bowie's nickname
is not "The Bow!"

No one has ever
called him "The Bow!"

So to avoid confusion,

can we please call him
by his real nickname...

"Arrow"?

Wait, are you talking
about Cupid's Bow?

Yes. You shot
Jarvis with it...

And Jarvis shot
Bowie with it!

Their love for me is fake!

Unlike my very real
love for Bowie.

[Sighs] Bowie...

You need to figure out
a way to break the spell!

Well, if I generate
a high pitched sound

with the same amplitude,
but an inverted phase,

it should cancel out
the effects of the bow!

I have no idea
what you just said,

which means it'll probably work!

Of course, you know
what you'd be giving up, right?

The person that you've been
in love with forever

will go back
to not being in love with you.

I'm going to lose Bowie?

Right. Bowie.

But it's the right thing to do.

This person...

Bowie?

Sure.

His feelings for you
aren't real.

Don't you want him...

Bowie?

Yes, whatever...

to love you
because he actually loves you?

Yes.

But what if that day
never comes?

What if Bowie never loves me?

I know it's
hard to imagine,

but I'm pretty sure
when this is all over,

you'll feel okay.

Or disgusted.

Bowie?

I got fresh batteries!

I know you're here!

No, he's not.

No one's here
but us stuffed animals.

He's behind the chair!

Hey!

Snitches get stitches...

which you could use,

'cause you're losing
a little stuffing.

[Lightsaber hum]

Aaaaahhhhh!

[Tearing]

It's probably because
I'm a Valentine's Day bear,

but I still wuv you.

You're going to hear

from the People for the Ethical
Treatment of Stuffed Animals...

PeETSA!

[Lightsaber hum]

Please! No!

Get back here!

Okay, we've got
the sound wave generator.

Jarvis! Stop!

[Loud explosion]

Oh no!

Now how are we supposed
to generate

a loud,
high-frequency sound?

Stay away from me!

[Aster screams piercingly]

Whoa.

Oh, disgusting.

At least it worked!

Thank goodness Geneva
scared you like that!

Geneva?

I was reacting to the way
those nerds are dressed.

This is my chance to escape!

What happened?

You were in love with Piper.

I was?

I was in love with Piper?

Weird, huh?

-So weird.
-Crazy weird.

The weirdest.

All right.
I get it!

It's weird for someone
to be in love with me.

I'm in love with you, Piper.

Oh no.

Hold on...

[Buzzing]

Try it now.

Aaaaaaaahhhh!

Whoa.

The Bow was in
love with Piper?

That's weird.

So weird.
Crazy weird.

You know what?

The Pipe has had enough of this.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, have you seen...

Piper, that arrow
could have hit me.

Thank goodness
I'm of average height.

Wait...

Are you still trying to shoot
Jarvis with that thing?

Yes.

But I only tweaked the bow

so it works
for a few hours.

I just want to enjoy
the rest of Valentine's Day.

I'm telling you, Piper,

you shouldn't mess
with that thing anymore.

Piper, you wanted to see me?

[Pop]

[Magical chime]

Come with me, my love!

This has been the greatest
Valentine's Day ever,

sweetheart.

You know,
everyone says you're a monster.

I don't see it.

[kiss]

[♪♪♪]

[Spaceship engine]

[boing]

[boing]

[boing]

My laser pistol is useless
against the Space Goblin!

Give it up... human!

Roar!

The only thing
that can stop her is...

love!

[Chiming]

[Announcer]: Cupid's Bow.

As featured in Space Goblin II,
Love Thy Goblin.

I'm P. Everett
Knickknack.

The P stands
for...

[dreamily]: Passion!

[♪♪♪]