Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 5 - Kick the Can - full transcript
The team discovers a strange man inside the Knickknack building who claims to be Knickknack Toys' founder, P. Everett Knickknack.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Here we go ♪
[Jarvis]: Geneva?
Jarvis!
Thank goodness you're here!
The door is locked!
And my makeup is in there!
You're wearing makeup!
This is my walking-to-work
makeup.
My sitting-at-my-desk
not-doing-any-work makeup
is inside.
Thank goodness I have
my walking-home-from-work
makeup.
Well, you can put on
your relax-because-Jarvis-has
a-key makeup.
I would,
but that's inside too!
That's weird.
It doesn't fit.
Maybe it's upside down.
Flip it over.
I can't do this
on my own, guys.
I tried flipping the key.
Candace
must've changed the locks.
This is obviously
another attempt by her
to get the company back.
Does anyone know
how to pick a lock?
Candace does.
She picked a really good one.
The door won't open?
Did you try
jiggling the handle?
How stupid
do you think we are?
Your key's not working?
Did you try
flipping it over?
I... think...
I'm... doing... it.
Oh no!
I went too far and flipped it
all the way around!
[♪♪♪]
♪ Buckle up ♪
♪ And hold on tight ♪
♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪
♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪
♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪
♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪
♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪
♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ You got me ♪
♪ I got you ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
[Audience laughs]
There!
We got around
Candace's locked door.
And it wasn't so bad.
Other than the
seven storey climb,
the loop-de-loop,
the seven storey drop,
the second loop-de-loop,
and the tunnel of
"What's That Smell?"
Not so bad?
My breakfast did not taste good
coming up.
Although it tasted pretty good
going back down.
I'm telling you,
Candace must have been
the one who locked us out.
Who else would sabotage
us like that?
[Metallic clanging]
Oh, hey, Mrs. Bubkes.
What are you doing up here?
[Chuckles,
speaks other language]
...just cleaning.
[Clanging]
Well, that's great,
Mrs. Bubkes,
but you can't clean
the coaster track
with a wrench.
Yeah, all a wrench would do
is loosen the bolts,
misalign the track,
and send the coaster car
veering off the side
of the building,
where it would plummet
to the ground
and explode
in a fireball of death.
[Speaks other language]
Silly Bubkes.
[♪♪♪]
[Elevator dings]
All right, let's let
everyone else in.
[Loud shatter]
Good news, guys.
I found this coaster-cleaning
tool outside.
It was right next
to Aster's unconscious body.
I was having a great nap
before I was woken
by that wrench
hitting the ground.
Okay, we need to find Candace
and show her who's boss.
[Man]:
That would be me!
Just as we suspected...
Candace!
Excuse me.
Who are you?
I'm P. Everett Knickknack.
The P stands for proprietor!
Welcome to my toy company!
You're the one
who changed the locks?
Sir, I'm not sure who you are,
but this is my toy company.
[Laughs]
A kid running a toy company?
Hoo hoo hoo!
I'm P. Everett Knickknack.
The P stands for preposterous!
I'm with the old guy.
That does sound crazy.
I'm sorry,
but I founded this company.
You couldn't have founded it,
because we haven't losted it!
I don't have time
for this tomfoolery.
I'm busy working!
Check out these newfangled toys
I just invented.
Newfangled?
They seem kind of oldfangled.
You're wrong!
I just fangled them.
I don't understand.
Isn't P. Everett Knickknack
a fictional character?
Like Spider-Man?
[Gasps in shock]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
P. Everett Knickknack
is nice!
The P stands for...
"P. Everett Knickknack
is nice!"
Yeah, and I love
his newfangled toys.
Especially "Kick the Can!"
Wheeeee!
I don't know why no one
invented this before.
It's awesome!
And so simple to play.
I mean, once you
read the manual.
Please.
You don't need a manual
to play this game.
Whoa!
I chose not to play,
and instead have one
of my trademark naps.
Whee!
Guys, it's a disguise.
That man is not
P. Everett Knickknack!
That man is Candace!
Candace is evil,
but there's no way
she would dress up
in some elaborate
old person costume
just to get the company back.
Let's talk
to the old guy
and get to the bottom of this.
Someone showed up
claiming to be Knickknack?
This could be my opportunity
to...
Ow!
Did you guys hear that?
Tin cans feel pain!
I am never playing
this evil game again.
[Candace]: Ow!
Oh no!
That manual must have landed
on the can!
Ah, there you are!
Let me show you the new
toy I'm working on.
The stringless yo-yo!
The P stands for
"P. Everett Knickknack's
done it again."
Does anyone else find it
really easy
to come up with stuff
the P stands for?
Listen, we'd like to ask you
a couple of questions.
Yeah...
starting with why you think
you can fool us
with this cheap disguise,
Candace!
[Grunts with effort]
[Gasps]
These are obviously fake!
They came right off!
Mr... Knickknack,
we were just wondering
if you could tell us
a bit about how exactly
"you" founded this company?
I'd be "happy" to.
It all started
when I fangled my first toy.
[Knickknack]:
The year was 1943.
I was working as a scientist
in a military lab.
Why does
a 1940s military lab
look exactly
like our present-day toy lab?
It looks nothing like it!
That one
was in black and white!
[Knickknack]: We were training
ducks to speak German
so they could go undercover
as spies.
Ich bin nicht eine Ente.
I am not a duck.
[Knickknack]:
But it was no use.
The ducks could
only speak English.
[In Aster's voice]:
I don't understand
what you're saying!
Stupid duck.
What's going on here,
Knickknack?
This duck project
is way behind.
You're embarrassing me
in front of my kid!
Hiya, Mister!
[Knickknack]: I suppose
I should mention
it was
Take Your Son to Work Day.
Isn't it called
Take Your Daughter to Work Day?
Take your daughter
to work? Why?
To show her the life
she'll never have?
[♪♪♪]
Piper!
I'm starting a charity,
so I'm collecting cans.
Oh.
I was going to eat this soup,
but since
it's for a good cause...
It is for a good cause.
I'm protecting these cans
from people
who would do them harm...
because, as we
recently learned,
cans feel pain.
Now that I know
it's for the dumbest cause ever,
I'd like my soup back.
You monster!
Have you no feelings?
Yes.
Hunger.
While I continued
trying to save the free world
by showing flash cards
to a duck,
the General's son wandered
into the typing pool...
which was a small pool
where we kept the typing ink.
The boy needed a bath...
which he was able to have
right there,
because,
since it was a science lab,
there were no ladies around.
Hochstgeschwindigkeits
begrenzung.
I want some bath toys!
I'm sorry, son.
There aren't any here.
This is a military science lab,
not a black and white version
of a toy lab from the future.
[Knickknack]:
Come back, duck!
[Duck quacks, feet patter]
[Splashes]
Yay! A ducky!
I can squeeze it.
[Knickknack]: And then the duck
said its first German word.
[Aster's voice]:
Nein! Nein!
Actually,
I'm seven and a half.
[Knickknack]:
And my first toy idea was born!
[Squeaks]
The rubber ducky!
The rubber ducky
was an overnight sensation!
It earned me enough money
to launch my own toy company!
[Camera clicks]
And buy a nifty newspaper
spinning machine!
That's quite a story.
I especially liked the part
about the handsome general.
No one said he was handsome.
He was handsome.
Come on!
That story had more holes
than the sweater store
next to the moth sanctuary.
The moths at the moth sanctuary
are actually
very well contained.
The sweater store,
unfortunately,
was hit by a meteor shower.
The point is,
this is Candace!
There. See?
They look exactly alike.
The only difference is
one has a fake moustache,
and one has a faint,
but very real moustache.
What are you doing here,
Candace?
I'm here to see my husband...
P. Everett Knickknack.
What?
We're very much in love.
The P stands for pucker up!
[Others gasp in disgust]
Oh ho ho! Stop!
Your moustache tickles!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
My wife?
I don't remember having a wife.
Oh, honey.
You're always
forgetting things.
Maybe this
will remind you.
[Loud kissing sounds]
Mmm!
Yeah!
It reminded me how much
I hated the first kiss.
Really?
You're his wife?
Where did you meet?
I was the very
first receptionist
at Knickknack Toys.
If you'd read
a spinning newspaper
once in a while,
you'd know they
hired women.
Wow!
I get to work at a desk made
from this futuristic car?
I'm going to end up
looking like that?
Yeah, you have not aged well.
I disagree.
If she worked here when
Knickknack was founded,
she'd be 80
years old now.
She barely looks...
70.
Anyway, honey, let's go home.
I've got a meatloaf
in the oven.
Uh, we just have to stop
at the grocer's
and get gravy,
our lawyer's,
to update our wills,
and the coffin store
to buy you a coffin.
Ooh!
Gravy!
Don't go with her.
She's just trying to trick you
and steal the company.
If you two are really married,
I'm sure you have
some wedding photos.
Of course we do.
Well, I'd like
to see them!
Me too!
I love wedding pictures!
I would love to show you
our wedding photos
that absolutely exist.
I'll just go take them...
I mean, get them.
Guys!
Why did you do that?
Wedding pictures are so boring!
[♪♪♪]
Knox! Give me back
my can of soup!
I don't know
what you're talking about...
most of the time...
because you use big words.
Cans don't feel pain!
Then explain
why this one says "ow?"
Right here
between "Clam Ch" and "der?"
Aaaahh!
It's bleeding!
It's tomato soup.
Here, I'll show you
cans don't feel pain
with this chicken noodle.
[High-pitched shriek]
I'm sorry for
screaming,
but that is
my chicken noodle soup!
So if you founded
the company,
why don't you own it today?
I do own it today.
Fine.
Why didn't you own it
yesterday?
I thought
you'd never ask!
So I didn't prepare
an answer.
I'll just wing it.
The year was 1943...
[Knickknack]:
Knickknack Toys was thriving!
Our phone
was ringing off the hook...
mostly because our receptionist
wouldn't pick it up.
[Phone ringing]
But we were poised
for a big expansion!
I had a meeting
with Hans Dreyer,
the owner of the largest
toy store chain in Germany,
Toys Ich Us.
Guten tag.
[Thick German accent]
I am Herr Dreyer...
president of Toys Ich Us.
Good to meet you.
I'm very excited to have
the Knickknack ducky
sold in your stores.
All you haff to do
is sign zis contract.
There you go.
[Laughs maniacally]
You just signed your
whole company over to me!
What? Why?
Why would you do that,
Herr Dreyer?
I am not Herr Dreyer.
This iz a disguise!
Ich
bin ...
[Rustle of cloth]
Eine Ente!
Duck?
You finally learned German!
As the inspiration
for the rubber ducky,
the duck felt he deserved
to run the company,
which he did...
very poorly.
He was never around
for the Christmas rush
because he always flew south
for the winter.
Eventually,
he lost the company.
Over the years,
it kept changing hands.
And then
the craziest thing happened...
a kid took it over!
The German-speaking duck
wasn't the craziest thing?
There you go, buddy.
I don't think you lost too much
delicious-smelling blood.
These magnets should get me
my soup back.
Although, with the money
I spent on them,
I could have bought
a case of soup,
but at this point,
it's the principle.
Knox!
For someone
who loves cans so much,
you sure treat them poorly.
What are you talking about?
You need to open them
so they can breathe.
No.
They wouldn't like that.
That hurts them.
If that's true,
they'd like you better than me.
So why don't we
let the can decide?
Let's see who it comes to,
you or me.
[Magnets hum]
You're on.
-Come on, can.
-Come on, can.
Who takes care of you?
That's right, Knox does.
Knox is suffocating you,
both by not opening you and by
not giving you your space.
Piper just wants to cut you
open and drink your blood.
With crackers.
[Magnet hums]
Whoa.
I love you too, can!
I guess I was wrong.
I feel terrible
for what I did to that can...
and to all these other cans.
[Audience laughs]
Uh-oh.
[Magnets hum]
[Cans rattle]
Ooh! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow...
Piper feels pain?
I better keep this to myself
because people are not going
to want to stop playing
"Kick the Piper."
Look, Mr. Knickknack, or
whatever your name is...
I think it's "P".
I was with you
through that part
about the handsome
general...
Darling!
I found our wedding photos.
Oh...
Oh...
[She coos]
Oooh!
Wow, I guess we are married.
But I don't see any pictures
from our honeymoon.
We must never have had one.
Oh, it's not too late!
Let's head off
to the most romantic spot
I can think of...
our lawyer's office!
The P stands for Poppycock!
You're a Knickknack!
You deserve a classy honeymoon
in Niagara Falls.
Here comes the train now.
You go on ahead.
I'll join you once you've
prettied yourself up.
Say... six weeks?
No, it's okay, I...
It's just
wedding night jitters.
Off you go!
No, no, no...
It's all right,
Candace.
If you're worried
the coaster track is dirty,
don't be.
Mrs. Bubkes cleaned it
earlier today...
with this.
No... no, wait!
Help!
Guys!
I had the newspaper send over
the real headlines
from the early days
of this company.
We'll know once and for all
whether or not
that guy's a fraud.
You open this,
I'll go get
the newspaper-spinning machine!
What are you doing?
Don't you want to expose
that kook for who he really is?
I know who he is.
He's P. Everett
Knickknack.
And the P stands for...
part of the family.
I like the old guy.
And he loves toys.
I bet he'll be of
some use around here.
How?
What could he possibly
do to help us?
[Plummeting sound outside]
[Metallic crashing]
That's a good start.
Let's go see if that fall
made my bride any prettier.
[♪♪♪]
[Announcer]: Get ready
for Knickknack's
most extreme toy ever!
Kick the Can!
Kick the Can!
New again from Knickknack!
I'm P. Everett Knickknack.
The P stands for
professional can kicker.
Your results may vary.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Here we go ♪
[Jarvis]: Geneva?
Jarvis!
Thank goodness you're here!
The door is locked!
And my makeup is in there!
You're wearing makeup!
This is my walking-to-work
makeup.
My sitting-at-my-desk
not-doing-any-work makeup
is inside.
Thank goodness I have
my walking-home-from-work
makeup.
Well, you can put on
your relax-because-Jarvis-has
a-key makeup.
I would,
but that's inside too!
That's weird.
It doesn't fit.
Maybe it's upside down.
Flip it over.
I can't do this
on my own, guys.
I tried flipping the key.
Candace
must've changed the locks.
This is obviously
another attempt by her
to get the company back.
Does anyone know
how to pick a lock?
Candace does.
She picked a really good one.
The door won't open?
Did you try
jiggling the handle?
How stupid
do you think we are?
Your key's not working?
Did you try
flipping it over?
I... think...
I'm... doing... it.
Oh no!
I went too far and flipped it
all the way around!
[♪♪♪]
♪ Buckle up ♪
♪ And hold on tight ♪
♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪
♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪
♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪
♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪
♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪
♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ You got me ♪
♪ I got you ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
[Audience laughs]
There!
We got around
Candace's locked door.
And it wasn't so bad.
Other than the
seven storey climb,
the loop-de-loop,
the seven storey drop,
the second loop-de-loop,
and the tunnel of
"What's That Smell?"
Not so bad?
My breakfast did not taste good
coming up.
Although it tasted pretty good
going back down.
I'm telling you,
Candace must have been
the one who locked us out.
Who else would sabotage
us like that?
[Metallic clanging]
Oh, hey, Mrs. Bubkes.
What are you doing up here?
[Chuckles,
speaks other language]
...just cleaning.
[Clanging]
Well, that's great,
Mrs. Bubkes,
but you can't clean
the coaster track
with a wrench.
Yeah, all a wrench would do
is loosen the bolts,
misalign the track,
and send the coaster car
veering off the side
of the building,
where it would plummet
to the ground
and explode
in a fireball of death.
[Speaks other language]
Silly Bubkes.
[♪♪♪]
[Elevator dings]
All right, let's let
everyone else in.
[Loud shatter]
Good news, guys.
I found this coaster-cleaning
tool outside.
It was right next
to Aster's unconscious body.
I was having a great nap
before I was woken
by that wrench
hitting the ground.
Okay, we need to find Candace
and show her who's boss.
[Man]:
That would be me!
Just as we suspected...
Candace!
Excuse me.
Who are you?
I'm P. Everett Knickknack.
The P stands for proprietor!
Welcome to my toy company!
You're the one
who changed the locks?
Sir, I'm not sure who you are,
but this is my toy company.
[Laughs]
A kid running a toy company?
Hoo hoo hoo!
I'm P. Everett Knickknack.
The P stands for preposterous!
I'm with the old guy.
That does sound crazy.
I'm sorry,
but I founded this company.
You couldn't have founded it,
because we haven't losted it!
I don't have time
for this tomfoolery.
I'm busy working!
Check out these newfangled toys
I just invented.
Newfangled?
They seem kind of oldfangled.
You're wrong!
I just fangled them.
I don't understand.
Isn't P. Everett Knickknack
a fictional character?
Like Spider-Man?
[Gasps in shock]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
P. Everett Knickknack
is nice!
The P stands for...
"P. Everett Knickknack
is nice!"
Yeah, and I love
his newfangled toys.
Especially "Kick the Can!"
Wheeeee!
I don't know why no one
invented this before.
It's awesome!
And so simple to play.
I mean, once you
read the manual.
Please.
You don't need a manual
to play this game.
Whoa!
I chose not to play,
and instead have one
of my trademark naps.
Whee!
Guys, it's a disguise.
That man is not
P. Everett Knickknack!
That man is Candace!
Candace is evil,
but there's no way
she would dress up
in some elaborate
old person costume
just to get the company back.
Let's talk
to the old guy
and get to the bottom of this.
Someone showed up
claiming to be Knickknack?
This could be my opportunity
to...
Ow!
Did you guys hear that?
Tin cans feel pain!
I am never playing
this evil game again.
[Candace]: Ow!
Oh no!
That manual must have landed
on the can!
Ah, there you are!
Let me show you the new
toy I'm working on.
The stringless yo-yo!
The P stands for
"P. Everett Knickknack's
done it again."
Does anyone else find it
really easy
to come up with stuff
the P stands for?
Listen, we'd like to ask you
a couple of questions.
Yeah...
starting with why you think
you can fool us
with this cheap disguise,
Candace!
[Grunts with effort]
[Gasps]
These are obviously fake!
They came right off!
Mr... Knickknack,
we were just wondering
if you could tell us
a bit about how exactly
"you" founded this company?
I'd be "happy" to.
It all started
when I fangled my first toy.
[Knickknack]:
The year was 1943.
I was working as a scientist
in a military lab.
Why does
a 1940s military lab
look exactly
like our present-day toy lab?
It looks nothing like it!
That one
was in black and white!
[Knickknack]: We were training
ducks to speak German
so they could go undercover
as spies.
Ich bin nicht eine Ente.
I am not a duck.
[Knickknack]:
But it was no use.
The ducks could
only speak English.
[In Aster's voice]:
I don't understand
what you're saying!
Stupid duck.
What's going on here,
Knickknack?
This duck project
is way behind.
You're embarrassing me
in front of my kid!
Hiya, Mister!
[Knickknack]: I suppose
I should mention
it was
Take Your Son to Work Day.
Isn't it called
Take Your Daughter to Work Day?
Take your daughter
to work? Why?
To show her the life
she'll never have?
[♪♪♪]
Piper!
I'm starting a charity,
so I'm collecting cans.
Oh.
I was going to eat this soup,
but since
it's for a good cause...
It is for a good cause.
I'm protecting these cans
from people
who would do them harm...
because, as we
recently learned,
cans feel pain.
Now that I know
it's for the dumbest cause ever,
I'd like my soup back.
You monster!
Have you no feelings?
Yes.
Hunger.
While I continued
trying to save the free world
by showing flash cards
to a duck,
the General's son wandered
into the typing pool...
which was a small pool
where we kept the typing ink.
The boy needed a bath...
which he was able to have
right there,
because,
since it was a science lab,
there were no ladies around.
Hochstgeschwindigkeits
begrenzung.
I want some bath toys!
I'm sorry, son.
There aren't any here.
This is a military science lab,
not a black and white version
of a toy lab from the future.
[Knickknack]:
Come back, duck!
[Duck quacks, feet patter]
[Splashes]
Yay! A ducky!
I can squeeze it.
[Knickknack]: And then the duck
said its first German word.
[Aster's voice]:
Nein! Nein!
Actually,
I'm seven and a half.
[Knickknack]:
And my first toy idea was born!
[Squeaks]
The rubber ducky!
The rubber ducky
was an overnight sensation!
It earned me enough money
to launch my own toy company!
[Camera clicks]
And buy a nifty newspaper
spinning machine!
That's quite a story.
I especially liked the part
about the handsome general.
No one said he was handsome.
He was handsome.
Come on!
That story had more holes
than the sweater store
next to the moth sanctuary.
The moths at the moth sanctuary
are actually
very well contained.
The sweater store,
unfortunately,
was hit by a meteor shower.
The point is,
this is Candace!
There. See?
They look exactly alike.
The only difference is
one has a fake moustache,
and one has a faint,
but very real moustache.
What are you doing here,
Candace?
I'm here to see my husband...
P. Everett Knickknack.
What?
We're very much in love.
The P stands for pucker up!
[Others gasp in disgust]
Oh ho ho! Stop!
Your moustache tickles!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
My wife?
I don't remember having a wife.
Oh, honey.
You're always
forgetting things.
Maybe this
will remind you.
[Loud kissing sounds]
Mmm!
Yeah!
It reminded me how much
I hated the first kiss.
Really?
You're his wife?
Where did you meet?
I was the very
first receptionist
at Knickknack Toys.
If you'd read
a spinning newspaper
once in a while,
you'd know they
hired women.
Wow!
I get to work at a desk made
from this futuristic car?
I'm going to end up
looking like that?
Yeah, you have not aged well.
I disagree.
If she worked here when
Knickknack was founded,
she'd be 80
years old now.
She barely looks...
70.
Anyway, honey, let's go home.
I've got a meatloaf
in the oven.
Uh, we just have to stop
at the grocer's
and get gravy,
our lawyer's,
to update our wills,
and the coffin store
to buy you a coffin.
Ooh!
Gravy!
Don't go with her.
She's just trying to trick you
and steal the company.
If you two are really married,
I'm sure you have
some wedding photos.
Of course we do.
Well, I'd like
to see them!
Me too!
I love wedding pictures!
I would love to show you
our wedding photos
that absolutely exist.
I'll just go take them...
I mean, get them.
Guys!
Why did you do that?
Wedding pictures are so boring!
[♪♪♪]
Knox! Give me back
my can of soup!
I don't know
what you're talking about...
most of the time...
because you use big words.
Cans don't feel pain!
Then explain
why this one says "ow?"
Right here
between "Clam Ch" and "der?"
Aaaahh!
It's bleeding!
It's tomato soup.
Here, I'll show you
cans don't feel pain
with this chicken noodle.
[High-pitched shriek]
I'm sorry for
screaming,
but that is
my chicken noodle soup!
So if you founded
the company,
why don't you own it today?
I do own it today.
Fine.
Why didn't you own it
yesterday?
I thought
you'd never ask!
So I didn't prepare
an answer.
I'll just wing it.
The year was 1943...
[Knickknack]:
Knickknack Toys was thriving!
Our phone
was ringing off the hook...
mostly because our receptionist
wouldn't pick it up.
[Phone ringing]
But we were poised
for a big expansion!
I had a meeting
with Hans Dreyer,
the owner of the largest
toy store chain in Germany,
Toys Ich Us.
Guten tag.
[Thick German accent]
I am Herr Dreyer...
president of Toys Ich Us.
Good to meet you.
I'm very excited to have
the Knickknack ducky
sold in your stores.
All you haff to do
is sign zis contract.
There you go.
[Laughs maniacally]
You just signed your
whole company over to me!
What? Why?
Why would you do that,
Herr Dreyer?
I am not Herr Dreyer.
This iz a disguise!
Ich
bin ...
[Rustle of cloth]
Eine Ente!
Duck?
You finally learned German!
As the inspiration
for the rubber ducky,
the duck felt he deserved
to run the company,
which he did...
very poorly.
He was never around
for the Christmas rush
because he always flew south
for the winter.
Eventually,
he lost the company.
Over the years,
it kept changing hands.
And then
the craziest thing happened...
a kid took it over!
The German-speaking duck
wasn't the craziest thing?
There you go, buddy.
I don't think you lost too much
delicious-smelling blood.
These magnets should get me
my soup back.
Although, with the money
I spent on them,
I could have bought
a case of soup,
but at this point,
it's the principle.
Knox!
For someone
who loves cans so much,
you sure treat them poorly.
What are you talking about?
You need to open them
so they can breathe.
No.
They wouldn't like that.
That hurts them.
If that's true,
they'd like you better than me.
So why don't we
let the can decide?
Let's see who it comes to,
you or me.
[Magnets hum]
You're on.
-Come on, can.
-Come on, can.
Who takes care of you?
That's right, Knox does.
Knox is suffocating you,
both by not opening you and by
not giving you your space.
Piper just wants to cut you
open and drink your blood.
With crackers.
[Magnet hums]
Whoa.
I love you too, can!
I guess I was wrong.
I feel terrible
for what I did to that can...
and to all these other cans.
[Audience laughs]
Uh-oh.
[Magnets hum]
[Cans rattle]
Ooh! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow...
Piper feels pain?
I better keep this to myself
because people are not going
to want to stop playing
"Kick the Piper."
Look, Mr. Knickknack, or
whatever your name is...
I think it's "P".
I was with you
through that part
about the handsome
general...
Darling!
I found our wedding photos.
Oh...
Oh...
[She coos]
Oooh!
Wow, I guess we are married.
But I don't see any pictures
from our honeymoon.
We must never have had one.
Oh, it's not too late!
Let's head off
to the most romantic spot
I can think of...
our lawyer's office!
The P stands for Poppycock!
You're a Knickknack!
You deserve a classy honeymoon
in Niagara Falls.
Here comes the train now.
You go on ahead.
I'll join you once you've
prettied yourself up.
Say... six weeks?
No, it's okay, I...
It's just
wedding night jitters.
Off you go!
No, no, no...
It's all right,
Candace.
If you're worried
the coaster track is dirty,
don't be.
Mrs. Bubkes cleaned it
earlier today...
with this.
No... no, wait!
Help!
Guys!
I had the newspaper send over
the real headlines
from the early days
of this company.
We'll know once and for all
whether or not
that guy's a fraud.
You open this,
I'll go get
the newspaper-spinning machine!
What are you doing?
Don't you want to expose
that kook for who he really is?
I know who he is.
He's P. Everett
Knickknack.
And the P stands for...
part of the family.
I like the old guy.
And he loves toys.
I bet he'll be of
some use around here.
How?
What could he possibly
do to help us?
[Plummeting sound outside]
[Metallic crashing]
That's a good start.
Let's go see if that fall
made my bride any prettier.
[♪♪♪]
[Announcer]: Get ready
for Knickknack's
most extreme toy ever!
Kick the Can!
Kick the Can!
New again from Knickknack!
I'm P. Everett Knickknack.
The P stands for
professional can kicker.
Your results may vary.
[♪♪♪]