Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 3 - Pants Full of Ants - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we go ♪

As you all know,
Jarvis put me in charge

of Knickknack's joke and prank
division.

Well, I've come up
with a few ideas.

Any as good as Jarvis's idea

to give you
a meaningless promotion

to keep you busy
and out of our hair?

It's not working!

Aster, I'm surprised
you have time to complain

since I promoted you
to Vice President of Busy Work.



Anyway, check out
this joy buzzer.

It gives your victim
a painful jolt

when you pat them on the back,
shake their hand,

or give them a high five.

Observe.

[Electric crackle]

Ah! Ah!

Ow, my butt!

Aaahh!

[Electricity crackles]

I'll take...

two!

Here's my favourite
prank...

"Pants Full Of Ants!"



Please tell me no
pants were harmed

in the making of this toy.

You slip this little pouch
of tiny robotic ants

into your unsuspecting
friend's pocket.

Hey!

I was unsuspecting that!

Then, when you're far enough
away to avoid suspicion,

you press the button
to release the ants!

Where'd I put that button?

[Laughs]

I don't know what's so funny
about a missing button.

[Laughs hysterically]

Seriously!

I don't laugh when you misplace
important things.

Is that
what you're looking for?

[Piper snores]

Piper!

Great idea, boss!

You were asleep.

I'm surprised
we're not all asleep,

given that Bowie's been talking
for the last three minutes.

Okay.

Please move on
to the next prank...

Like that arrow in your head.

Oh, this isn't a prank.

I was late for work,

so I cut through
an archery range.

I've just been trying to make it
through this meeting.

My head really hurts.

[Bzzt!]
Aaaah!

[Thud]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always
find a way around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

[Grunts]

Next time the kids
open the fridge for a snack,

they'll get a smack.

Wait, I just thought
of a much better pun.

Let me do that again.

[Mechanical spring]

Ooof!

[Grunting]

Next time the kids
open the fridge for a drink,

they'll get some fruit punch!

Totally worth it.

[Panting]

Whoa, Mrs. Bubkes,

you're really
overexerting yourself.

What are you doing?

[Speaking other language]

Just mopping!

You're exhausted from mopping?

[Sighs in exhaustion]

That must be
really hard for you,

because I know how much
you love mopping.

I mean, every time I ask you
what you're doing,

you say, "just mopping!"

and then look around
nervously...

obviously because
you're worried

someone will make you stop
your beloved mopping.

[Chatters exhaustedly
in other language]

Bubkes put a little rest.

[Pants a little]

[Wood snaps, crackles]

Mrs. Bubkes...

I hate to say it, but...

[Straining] it looks like...
you're carrying around...

some extra weight.

But don't worry.

I'll put together
an exercise regimen for you.

No, no, no.

But right now,
you need to rehydrate.

I'll get you a drink
from the fridge.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Here you go, Mrs. Bubkes.
Fruit punch.

[Sighs]

[Elevator dings]

Bowie, question.

Okay, where
do babies come from?

I have a question for you.

Oh, all right.

But after, can you
answer my question?

Because I need to know
where to return this.

[Baby coos]

Do you think Piper's
having trouble sleeping?

[She snores quietly]

Clearly not.

If anything,
she's having trouble eating.

I'm not sleeping!
I'm eating my lunch!

Well, her story checks out.

[JARVIS]: Piper!

You've been falling
asleep all day.

Is something going on with you?

No. I'm fine.

I work here during the day.

I go home and sleep at night.

Everything's...

[Snores]

I'm worried about Piper.

Why? You heard her.

Everything's...
[Snores]

There's only
one possible explanation

for why Piper's
not getting any sleep at night.

She's Batman!

Think about it.

She has a strong sense
of justice.

She wears
a lot of black leather.

And she's an avowed
enemy of the Joker.

[Electric crackle]

Aaahh!

I'm pretty sure Batman...
is a man.

I think she's moonlighting.

That means working
somewhere else at night,

not that she's a werewolf.

Not Batman.
Not a werewolf.

We're running out of
plausible explanations.

[Pumping workout music]

Come on, Mrs. Bubkes.

You can do this.

I know there's a fit person
inside there somewhere,

wanting to get out.

[Speaks nervously
in other language]

...metaphor?

Of course it's a metaphor.

Oh, ha ha ha.

That's it, Mrs. Bubkes.

Huh.

You're dropping it
like it's hot,

but you don't seem to be
sweating like it's hot.

[Speaks other language]

Like pig!

I don't think so.

There's no sweat
coming through your pores.

It's almost like your face
is made of plastic.

Metaphor?

No...

It's a simile.

Oh!

I guess we'll have to
make your next workout

even more intense...

get you to actually sweat.

[Laughs]

Ya!

[Mask rips off,
loud splash]

[Bowie as Knickknack]
Good night.

Take care. Bye, now.

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The "P" stands
for "pleasant evening."

Bowie,
we're supposed to be hiding

so we can follow Piper!

Why are you talking
like Knickknack?

Because it's a lot
less suspicious

than the statue sounding
like two people

having a whisper argument!

[Jarvis]:
That doesn't make any sense!

[Bowie]: What are
you talking about?

It makes perfect sense!

No, it doesn't!

A statue shouldn't have
one or two voices.

[Both whisper-argue]

[Whispering continues]

Okay, maybe it would help if
the statue had three voices.

No, that would be worse!

A-ha!

If three is worse than two,
then two is worse than one,

which means I win!

Bowie, if we keep arguing
about this,

we're going to miss Piper!

No, we're not.
She's right there.

Maybe she could be
the third voice.

Bowie, are you still wearing
that joy buzzer?

Yeah.

[bzzt!]
Aaaahh!

Okay, Piper took
the elevator to the roof.

Let's see what's going on.

[Heavy metal guitar blasting]

Wow.

I guess a lot of people
walked past us

during that
whisper argument.

[Blasting music]

[Music blasts,
kids cheer]

What is this?

Some sort of underground club?

It's on the roof,

so really, it's more
of an overground club.

Piper must be
running this place.

I can't believe she'd do
something so underhanded.

Overhanded.

There's Piper!

Let's get to
the top of this.

Name?

Jarvis Rai...

Not on the list.

But I own this place!

Oh, I know types like you.

Always thinking
they own the place.

Now, move aside.
You're holding up the line.

Name?

[Bouncing]

Mmm-boing...

Oh, here it is.

Always nice to see
a fellow bouncer.

What are we going to do now?

Watch and learn.

Excuse me, sir.

I think your shoelace
is untied.

All right, now's our chance.

What are you
talking about?

You distracted him
so we can sneak in.

No, I didn't.

I said watch and learn...

how to help someone prevent
dangerous trips and falls.

Thanks for warning me
about my shoelace, man.

That was really cool
of you guys.

Go on in.

Now's our chance!

Oof!

[Bowie]: Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Coming through.

Sorry.

There's Piper.

Let's find out why she
didn't tell us about this.

[BOUNCER]:
Please welcome to the stage...

Piper Gray!

[Cheering]

Piper's performing
in front of all these people?

I didn't think
she liked performing.

Or people.

♪ The world is bleak
all full of gloom ♪

♪ My soul is dead
in this empty tomb ♪

♪ Life tries
to emotionally starve us ♪

♪ But it won't work ♪

♪ 'cause I met Jarvis ♪

♪ Jarvis
you got me losing my mind ♪

♪ Jarvis
let me g-give you a sign ♪

♪ Jarvis
this much is true ♪

♪ Jarvis
I want to be with you ♪

Let's get out of here.

That was... weird.

I know.

You think she would've
written a song called Bowie.

[Guitar music]

♪ I wanna be with you ♪

[Applause]

[♪♪♪]

Okay, Mrs. Bubkes.

Maybe you'd enjoy
exercising more

if it were a little competitive.

Oooh!

[Speaks other language]
kickboxing?

[Thud]

Maybe later.

For now,
I was thinking...

hula hoops!

Let's see who can
keep the hula hoop

from falling to the ground
the longest.

[Clatters]

Looks like you win,
Mrs. Bubkes.

Hey, Jarvis, what's up?

Up? On the roof?
Nothing!

Nothing's up there!

Is everything okay?

Everything is okay.

Everything!

There is not one thing
that is not okay.

Here, and on the roof.

♪ Jarvis, you got me
losing my mind ♪

♪ Jarvis
let me g-give you a sign ♪

I can't get that song
from last night out of my head!

You were there?
You heard that?

What? No.

Heard what?
Nothing.

What song? Yes.

Piper, are you...
in love with me?

[Laughs hysterically]

Bowie, stop pressing the
"Pants Full of Ants" button!

[Continues laughing]

Thank you.

Now, to answer your question...

[Laughs hysterically]

No, I'm not in love with you.

That's laughable!

Why would you ask that?

Well, the lyrics of
your song are all about...

me.

Oh, I see the confusion.

The song's called "Jarvis,"
and your name is also Jarvis!

No, see, I didn't even
write that song.

It's a cover.

The song. Not this
whole story.

Oh... someone
else's song!

That makes sense.

So what's the name
of the band?

The band?

That sings "Jarvis."

Oh...

They're called...

Monster Chair.

Cool name.

Maybe I'll check
out the video.

The video?

For "Jarvis."
I'm sure there's one online.

You can't now.
You have an appointment.

I do?
With who?

The foot doctor.
About the pain in your foot.

I don't have any...

[Crunch!]

Ow!

Well, I'd better go.

I don't want to be late
for the foot doctor.

[♪♪♪]

Aster, I...

I need your help
with something.

You're ready to do something
about your wardrobe?

Finally!

It's not my clothes.

I've never told
anyone this before,

but I kind of have
a thing for...

[both]: Jarvis.

-You know?
-I know.

It's obvious.

Just like how you wear
your hair to one side

to cover your boyface.

Don't worry.

No one else knows
about your crush...

or your boyface.

You have to promise
to keep this private!

I'd never tell
anyone about this.

I like my conversations
to be interesting.

I wrote this song about him
and said it was a cover,

and now he wants to see
the video,

but it's a fake band!

So make a fake video.
Just wear a costume.

Do you really think
it's possible

to fool someone you work with
every day

with a disguise?

[Knox]: That's it,
Mrs. Bubkes!

Looking good.

I hate these kids.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

You wanted to see me?

Yeah.

I've been trying to check out
the Monster Chair video online,

but someone put up a firewall.

[Fire whooshes]

Huh.

I don't know who would have
the technical skills

to make something like that
happen.

But speaking of that video

that's been on the Internet
this whole time,

let's check it out.

♪ The world is bleak
all full of gloom ♪

♪ My soul is dead
in this empty tomb ♪

♪ Life tries
to emotionally starve us ♪

♪ But it won't work ♪

♪ 'cause I met Jarvis ♪

♪ Jarvis
you got me losing my mind ♪

♪ Jarvis
let me g-give you a sign ♪

♪ Jarvis
this much is true ♪

♪ Jarvis
I want to be with you ♪

I'm Jarvis.

I love you, too, babe.

That was unbelievable.

Unbelievable good,
or unbelievable unbelievable?

The first one!
It was unreal!

Unreal good,
or unreal...

Okay. I'll quit
while I'm ahead.

[♪♪♪]

Piper,
you need to look at this!

For the last time, I looked
in a mirror this morning!

No, not that.

Really? You did?

Anyway, check this out.

Your Monster Chair video
has twelve million views!

What?

That's crazy!

My song's a hit?

A huge hit.

Slashcore Records has offered
this "mystery band"

a multi-album deal.

See the good things
that can happen

if you just change your clothes

and put on
a little makeup?

This is incredible...

...ly bad.

Wow.

When life gives you lemonade,

you somehow manage to get it
back in the lemon.

If I come forward,

Jarvis will know
I wrote that song

and how I feel about him.

What if he doesn't feel
the same way about me?

If?

Do you ever say anything nice
about anyone?

Yeah.

I just said something nice
about Jarvis.

I pointed out
that he has standards.

Wow.

[Gentle knock]

Oh, hey, Piper.

Can you reinstall that
firewall on my computer?

Why, are you having
security issues?

No.

I just want to roast
this hot dog.

Listen, Jarvis...

there's something I need
to get off my chest.

That ugly jacket?

Come on!

[Door shuts]

I've been trying to figure out
how to tell you this

for a long time now...

In that case, could it
wait two more minutes?

Monster Chair is about to make
a big announcement.

What?

How could they do that?

By streaming it online?

You're our computer person.

Shouldn't you know this stuff?

[Tinny music]

Welcome to the Thrasher Dave
Music Vlog!

Joining me today,
Monster Chair!

They've decided to come forward

and take Slashcore
up on the record deal.

[Hits key]

That's impossible!

Monster Chair doesn't exist...

Just to make money.

They would never sell out
like that.

I'm just glad they're going
to make more music.

They're awesome!

And the lead singer
is smoking hot!

You think she's pretty?

Yeah!

She's gorgeous.

Although she looked way better
in the video.

Really?

Did you also think
the drummer was hot?

No!

It's a dude
with an orange beard!

Right.

Anyway, you wanted
to tell me something?

Nah, I'm good.

Really, really good.

[♪♪♪]

Now we're going
to do chin-ups.

See, you pull until your chin
is up over the bar.

That's why
they're called chin-ups!

You try, Mrs. Bubkes.

[Sighs]

[straining]

[Groans loudly]

[Speaks in other language]

Crushed it!

I won't let you give up

until you've done
a proper chin-up.

Or two...

one for each chin.

[She grunts and groans]

[Both groan and grunt]

[Exhales, pants]

[Both grunt and pant]

Whoa...

You're doing it, Mrs. Bubkes!

I've gotta get a picture.

[She gasps]

Oh, oh, oh!

Whoa!

What's going on?

Uh...

I'll tell you
what's going on.

You look great!

Huh?

Wow, you really
dropped those pounds!

You're like a totally
different person!

[Laughs hysterically]

Same person.

[♪♪♪]

You didn't tell him?

I couldn't.

I'm just not ready.

So I guess no Jarvis
and no record deal.

Yeah...

but you wrote a hit song!

At 14!

You've got the talent

to have whatever music career
you want someday.

Thank you, Aster.

You actually said
something...

nice.

You better not tell anyone!

Don't worry, I'll
keep it under my hat.

That hat?

Can't you keep it
under a nice hat?

Aaand he's back.

[♪♪♪]

[Announcer]: Get ready
for the prank-sation

that's sweeping the nation!

[Mrs. Bubkes laughs
hysterically]

[Announcer]:
"Pants Full Of Ants!"

[Laughing]

[Announcer]: Also available,
"Bee In Your Bonnet!"

[Buzzing]

And...

"Mouse in Your Blouse!"

Aaah!

Each sold separately.

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The "P" stands for...

[Giggles uncontrollably]

"Prank!"

[♪♪♪]