Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 2 - Philharmonica - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we go ♪

Okay, Piper.
Good meeting.

[Distant bouncing sound,
shattering glass]

What was that?

What was what?

Bowie,

remember that ball
you invented

that never stops bouncing?

[boing boing boing]

Oh yeah.



What did you call that thing?

[Mmm-boing!]

Right, Mmm-boing.

[Bouncing sounds]

[Even faster bouncing]

Gotcha!

Don't gotcha.

[Bounces]

Don't even think
about hitting this face.

[Screeches to a halt]

[Whooshes off and bounces again]

Whoa!

It's going upstairs!

[Bounces]



[TV announcer]: And now back to
"So You Think You Can Bounce."

♪ So you think
you can bounce ♪

[bouncing]

♪ So you think you can ♪

[Bouncing]

[Elevator dings]

♪ So you think you can ♪

[Elevator dings]

[Bounces]

[Buzzer goes off]

[♪♪♪]

[Scratches on turntable]

[Rollercoaster whooshes]

[Bouncing]

You told me
you caught Mmm-boing!

I did!

[Loud boing]

[Smack]

[Thud]

I did tell you that.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

Excuse me.

It's okay.

I didn't even hear you belch.

I have an appointment.

With a doctor?
About your gas problem?

No...

With Candace Wheeler,

the President
of Knickknack Toys?

Former President,

thanks to those obnoxious kids
who stole my company.

What was that, Mrs. Bubkes?

[Chortles]

[Speaks other language]

Cleaning!

[Laughs]

[Sprays]

Are you going
to help me or not?

[Dials]

Jarvis!
Someone's here.

And he's making me do work.

He wants to talk
to Candace.

Tell him to take a seat?
Got it.

Sir,
Candace Wheeler is not here.

But to make it up to you,

you can take one of these seats
home with you.

Can I help you?

My name's Jarvis Raines.

I'm the new president
of the company.

Very funny, son.

I run Melody Burger,

one of the biggest fast food
chains in the country.

I don't have time
to play with kids...

including my own,
who barely know me.

I'm not joking.
I own the company.

Everyone here works for me.

Ahem!

Well, gets paid by me.

I'm looking for a company

to supply toys
for our new...

[Snapping]
Snappy Meals.

We can... [Snaps]
do that!

I'm not about to give one
of my biggest contracts

to a bunch of kids...

especially a contract worth
five million dollars.

[Audience gasps]

Five million dollars?

That's almost
a million dollars!

[Audience laughs]

Mmm-boing?

Where are you, Mmm-boing?

♪ I'm going to catch you ♪

Why'd I say that out loud?

Now he knows what my plan is!

[Boing boing boing]

"You'll never catch me, Bowie!"

Mmm-boing! Mmm-boing!
Mmm-boing!

[♪♪♪]

♪ Welcome to
Melody Burger ♪

♪ Where our very special thing ♪

♪ Is that employees
aren't allowed to talk ♪

♪ We always have to sing ♪

You guys sing everything?

Doesn't that get old?

♪ The customers
seem to love it ♪

♪ No matter
what their age ♪

♪ But it takes everything
I've got ♪

♪ To contain my violent rage ♪

[squish]

Knox, why don't you order?

Four Snappy Meals, please.

And whatever these guys
are having.

I'll have a Snappy Meal...

with Wolfgang Amadeus
mozzarella sticks.

Me too.

I'd like a
Symphony Salad,

and make it snappy.

By which I mean,

put it in a Snappy Meal,
not "hurry up."

But please do hurry up,
because I'm really hungry.

♪ Here are your burgers
we perfectly grilled 'em ♪

♪ Even though Snappy Meals
are really just for children ♪

[Audience laughs]

All right, let's see

what kind of toys
they're giving out

so we'll know what
we're dealing with.

[Snap]
Ow!

What is this supposed to be?

Cool!

You got Grippy the Gator!

I hope I get one too!

[Snap]

No...

I got Clippy the Crocodile.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, guys, I have an idea
for a Snappy Meal toy!

A paper bag! Cool!

You did it again, boss!

It's like getting paper
and like getting a bag!

It's not the bag!

It's what's in the bag.

[Plays a short melody]

A harmonica?

Does it come with the bag?

This is more
than a harmonica.

It can sound like
any instrument, including...

the trumpet...

[Plays jazzy trumpet tune]

Flute...

[Playful flute tune]

Banjo...

[Banjo melody]

Drums...

[Drum beat]

And the tuba!

[Loud horn blast]

I call it...
the Philharmonica!

Wow. That's amazing!

And a way better toy
for Melody Burger

than a bunch
of boring office supplies.

With the exception
of Grippy the Gator!

It hurts so fun!

Yeah, but the guy
with the belching problem

refuses to talk to us.

What are we going to do?

[Dramatic music plays]

[Stops]

Yeah,
he'll only talk to Candace.

[Elevator dings]

My ears are burning!

[Knox]: On it!

[Extinguisher sprays]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Candace?

What are you doing here?
I fired you.

She's on fire?

Knox, you can't keep
spraying her

with that fire extinguisher.

Let me try!

I dropped by
to see how you guys were doing,

and whether or not any
multimillion dollar contracts

were in jeopardy

because heads
of fast food companies

don't want to deal
with children.

Wow!

She knows a lot
about our business.

We should hire her!

Do you have any experience
working at a toy company?

[Jarvis]: I don't know
what you're talking about.

Everything's fine.
We're doing great.

Really?

Because if someone did insist
on dealing with an adult,

you'd be out of luck.

You don't have
any adults working here.

That's not true.
We have Mrs. Bubkes!

Good point.
She'll be happy to help us.

I'll call her.

[Dials]

[Phone rings]

[Candace's phone rings]

I have to take this.
It's important...

and unrelated.

[Audience laughs]

[Phone rings]

[Speaks in other language]

The Bubkes!

Mrs. Bubkes, could you come up
to the roof right away?

[Speaks other language]

...one minute!

She said she's on her way.

Well, actually she said...

"[Speaks other language]
one minute!"

[Mrs. Bubkes]: Hullo!

Mrs. Bubkes...

what happened to you?

Uhh...

[Laughs]

[Blathers and giggles]

[Explains in other language]

terrible accident!

Don't worry, Mrs. Bubkes.

Things will...

turn around.

I can do it!

I can catch this ball!

Even though I've never
actually caught a ball before.

[Boinging, bouncing]

I did it!
I caught the ball!

This is the greatest day
of my...

[bouncing]

Yeah, you caught us.

We were just joking

about Candace Wheeler
not working here anymore.

I knew it.

Anyway, here she is.

Do you really think
this is going to work?

Mrs. Bubkes
doesn't even speak English.

No, but she can repeat
what she hears

even if she doesn't know
what she's saying.

I do that sometimes!

Mrs. Bubkes is
wearing an ear piece,

so I can feed her lines.

Good to see you again,
Mr. Melody.

Good to see you again,
Mr. Malady.

Now shake his hand.

[Mrs. Bubkes]:
Now shake his hand.

Uh...

Yes, Candace,
I will shake his hand

because you told me to, boss!

Mr. Melody, I'd like to do
business with your restaurant.

Mr. Malady,

I'd like to do my business
in your restaurant.

What? No!

Mrs. Bubkes, try this.

We have a toy that
will blow you away.

I want to blow my nose
in your toupee.

How did you know?

I went for the subtle,
mostly bald toupee.

If Mrs. Bubkes wasn't
such a sweet old lady,

I'd think she were trying
to ruin everything

and sabotage this deal.

If Mrs. Bubkes wasn't
such a sweet old lady,

I'd think she were trying
to ruin everything

and sabotage this deal.

I have no idea
what I just said.

Mrs. Bubkes,
I know it's hard,

but try to repeat
the words exactly.

This deal is worth
five million dollars.

If we get it,

we'll give you
half the money.

That's...

Two and a half
million dollars?

Two and a half million dollars

is half
what I was expecting to pay.

The Candace Wheeler I know

would never drop
her price so easily.

I guess that just shows

how badly Knickknack Toys
wants your business!

Nice try.

I know Candace Wheeler,

and this is not her!

Goodbye, whoever you are.

No! It really is me!

Candace Wheeler!

[Sobs in disappointment]

Thanks for trying,
Mrs. Bubkes.

You've got the voice down.

And the figure's...

close.

But I guess you're too young
to pass for Candace.

[Sad violin music]

I honestly thought

people would see past
the fact that we're kids

and realize
what we're capable of...

but it turns out

no one's going to take you
seriously

just because you run
a big company.

You have to actually be big.

Just like in that movie.

Jaws.

Jarvis is pretty bummed.

Maybe you should play
something less sad.

[Playing sad violin]

Got it!

We can play something
to cheer him up!

A one... a two...

A one, two, three, four!

[Dixieland jazz]

[Music stops]

This toy is awesome!

If Henry Melody
won't listen to us,

we'll show him how great
the Philharmonica is for kids!

All we need to do

is get our toy
into his Snappy Meals.

But how?

By working at Melody Burger!

Okay...

but why did you drag us
to Melody Burger

and make us change
into Melody Burger uniforms

before answering
Piper's question?

[Audience laughs]

[♪♪♪]

[Boing boing boing]

[Screeches to halt]

[Bounces]

[Wolf whistle]

Sucker.

[Both start boinging]

It didn't work!

[Clatters]

Oh, phew...

It did work!

♪ Welcome to our restaurant ♪

♪ Everything tastes good ♪

♪ Just tell me what you want
and I'll get your... ♪

♪ food ♪

♪ I can help you over here ♪

♪ I can take your order ♪

♪ I know how to rhyme
two words ♪

♪ and the wait is shorter ♪

[Audience laughs]

All right, Knox,

whenever someone orders
a Snappy Meal,

just take out
their lousy toy

and replace it
with our awesome one.

♪ I keep making
the same point ♪

♪ and I'm getting
really tired ♪

♪ Of telling you
you have to sing ♪

♪ Or else you will be fired ♪

♪ Okay, but when we sing ♪

♪ does it always
have to rhyme? ♪

♪ It's really hard to do that ♪

♪ Every single occurrence ♪

Okay, let's take
out the old toys.

[Snap! snap!]

-Ow!
-Ow!

[In harmony]
♪ Owwww... ♪

♪ Thank you, come again ♪

♪ Or not ♪

♪ It's less work for us
if you don't ♪

[Drumming]

Whoa!
Awesome!

♪ That kid really
loves our toy ♪

♪ He's over the moon ♪

♪ There's really
nothing more to add ♪

♪ Beluga pantaloon ♪

♪ Get back to work ♪

♪ Let's go, mush mush ♪

♪ Don't just stand there ♪

♪ It's the lunch rush ♪

[clamoring]

♪ Oh, no, oh, dear ♪

♪ This is unexpected ♪

♪ And to make things
even worse ♪

♪ My Grippy bite's infected ♪

[Trombone "wah wah waaah"]

[♪♪♪]

[Tune of Modern Major General]
♪ Soooo... ♪

♪ Just to confirm your order ♪

♪ That is one
Falsetto Fish Fillet ♪

♪ a Crispy Crescendo
Chicken Sandwich ♪

♪ Pianissimo on the mayo ♪

♪ Seven A Capella
Angus burgers ♪

♪ Three of them cooked adagio ♪

♪ Four moderato
Marimba Milkshakes ♪

♪ And you'd like it all to go ♪

[Audience laughs, applauds]

[Loud snapping]

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Done!

Wait!

I didn't even put the burgers
in those yet...

♪ La la-la la ♪

Could you guys hurry?

This crowd
is really getting nasty!

Not my customers.
They're really nice.

One guy gave me his car.

[key chirp]

[♪♪♪]

[Boinging]

[Sucking on straws]

[Slow, romantic music]

[Loud kissing sounds]

[♪ Here Comes the Bride ♪]

[Bouncing]

[Tearful]
I'm so happy for them.

[Wedding March]

[Bouncing]

[Loud, fast boinging]

Well, I didn't catch him,

but maybe now that he's married,
he'll settle down.

[babies crying]

[boing boing boing]

♪ These burgers
are getting burnt ♪

♪ You're cooking them too long ♪

♪ And now you've cooked them
even more ♪

♪ Because I sang this song ♪

On it!

[Mr. Melody]:
What's going on here?

Nothing!
Everything's fine.

I was really hoping

you weren't going to take off
those meat glasses.

[dramatic music plays]

It's you kids
from Knickknack Toys!

I already told you
I am not interested...

Could the orchestra pipe down?

I'm trying to yell at this kid!

[Dramatic, tense music]

What is that?

Get me one of those.

I'm sorry, sir.

If you want one, you'll have
to order the Snappy Meal.

That's a Snappy Meal toy?

They're incredible!

That's what we've been trying
to tell you.

You think my kids
are the only ones I ignore?

I get that we're kids,
but you can trust us.

[Flames crackle]

We know what we're doing!

[Hisses]

That's a fatty milkshake.

Why am I hot?

Your arms. Your hair.
Your face. Your eyes.

What?

[Flames crackle]

Fire!

Don't use that!

What if someone's ears
start burning?

I guess there goes our chances
of Melody Burger using our toy.

Actually... no.

I'm going to try out
your toy

in a few of my restaurants.

[Kids cheer]

You guys proved to me
that kids know toys.

You also proved to me

that kids can't be trusted
to work in my restaurant.

No problem.
We'll be on our way.

Not just you.

I don't want any kids
working in my restaurants.

You're all fired!

[Gasping]

Finally, I'm free!

Not you, Todd.

You're not a kid.

Thanks for remembering
my name, Dad.

Name tag.

Well, this worked out.

For us.

They don't seem too happy.

[Grumbling]

Hey, it's all right...

You don't want to work here
anyway!

You'll get better jobs!

[Piper]: Where?

Who's going to hire
all these people?

[Jarvis]: I am!

Okay!

But you really have to start
answering people's questions

at the time and place
that they are asked.

And by the way, Mrs. Bubkes,

with all these extra
people around,

you're going to have to clean
the bathrooms way more often.

[Laughs]

[Speaks other language]

I hate these kids.

[♪♪♪]

[Announcer]: Looking for a meal
that rocks?

Well, boogie on down
to Melody Burger!

[♪♪♪]

Where every bite
is music to your mouth.

For a limited time,
order a Snappy Meal

and get a free Philharmonica

from our friends
at Knickknack Toys.

I'm P. Everett
Knickknack!

The "P" stands
for Philharmonica!

Is that right?

It doesn't start
with an "F?"

[♪♪♪]