Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 25 - Everyball - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

Guys! Whatever you're doing
right now,

drop it!

[squeaking and clunking]

[creaking]

[crash]

Okay, next time,
I'll just say,

"Guys, listen up."

Anyway...

I wanted to show you all
our newest toy.

Uh, Jarvis,



I don't know
how to tell you this, but...

Bowie's eating my spaghetti.

Ow! I think I just ate
a piece of plate.

And I also don't know
how to tell you this, but...

the baseball is not
a new invention.

It's not
just a baseball.

It's Everyball!

Everyball can change

shape, size, colour,
and density

to become
any ball you want.

Like...

[whoosh]

...A basketball.

-Can it be a soccer ball?
-Sure.



Can it
be a tennis ball?

Yup.

Can it
be a basketball?

Still yes.

Can it be a debutante ball?

No.

Then I guess I have
nowhere to wear this gown.

Ah, I'll just wear it

to my doctor's
appointment tomorrow.

All right, Knox, catch.

[whoosh]

Impressive toy,
Jarvis.

Yeah. Everyball
is the world's greatest ball.

[boing-boing-screech]

[boing]

[shatter]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

All right, we've got to find
a great way to market Everyball.

Let's hear your ideas.

I've got one.

You know what they always say...

"No news is good news."

No news?

So you're suggesting
we don't market Everyball?

Yeah! Then everyone will
hear the good news about it!

Here's something
that always works.

Let's do the opposite of
what Geneva is suggesting.

We'll use word of mouth
to get the message out.

Repeat after me...

[whispers]:
"Everyball is the best."

[whispering]

Edgar Paul
is cheating on Beth?

[audience laughing]

Great. Beth
is our head of marketing!

Now it's really on us
to come up with an idea.

I've got it!

We get a huge boat...

Yeah?

That's it.

I mean...

who cares about making
and selling toys anymore?

We live on a boat!

Don't worry.
I've got an idea.

What does everyone do
every night?

Change out of
their dirty clothes?

-Brush their teeth?
-Take a bath?

No. I said something
you do every night,

not once a month.

Yeah, we've been meaning
to talk to you about that.

They stare
at the moon!

What if we turned it into
the biggest billboard ever?

How?

By using a powerful laser
to etch the word "Everyball"

into the moon's surface.

Will that work?

[roars]: No!

Because we accidentally hit
the secret base

of the Moon People,

killing their leader,
King Lunus.

They see this
as an act of war,

and bring every last one of us
to our knees.

So instead of Everyball,

we should sell kneepads!

We'll make millions!

And finally be able
to buy that boat!

[smack]

Wow. It's pretty amazing
what happens

when we put our heads
together.

I was thinking
the same thing.

Okay, I thought about
all the ideas

from our marketing meeting

and figured out
what we should do.

What?

Never have
another marketing meeting.

I also came up with a way
to sell Everyball.

I bought Knickknack
a 30-second commercial

to air
during the Super Bowl.

-Wow.
-That's amazing.

Super Bowl!

War with the Moon People
is averted!

Yep. Picture our product

right in front of
millions of eyeballs.

Eww!

Don't worry, the rest of
their bodies will be there too.

Oh, thank goodness.

Anyway.

I bought commercial time
both in Canada and the U.S.

How much did
this commercial cost?

Every cent this company has.

Also every dollar.

But as an advertiser,

we get a free trip
and two tickets to the game.

Which means
one of you gets to go with me.

Isn't that awesome?

Back off!

That ticket's mine!

Let go.

I will scratch out your eyes

and add them
to that disgusting eyeball pile

I can't stop picturing!

[♪♪♪]

Guys! Guys!

[blowing air]

Oh, yeah. I don't
know how to whistle.

Whistle... whistle...

Ooh! Of course!

[struggling continues
in the background]

Right.
A watched pot never boils.

[kettle whistling]

[all grunting]

Even the brain-boosting
benefits of tea

aren't helping me think of
a way to whistle.

What the...?

Guys! Guys!

[whistles]

Jarvis is having
tea without us.

-[thud]
-Ow.

Relax.
We can make more tea.

Unfortunately, I do only have
two Super Bowl tickets.

But there are...

Two of us?

That math adds up!

It really doesn't.

Then you should take me
on that trip.

I love football.

Yeah, but I love Ja...

football too.

"Jast" football.

You have to take me!

These seats are
right behind the cheerleaders.

Those girls are the hottest,
most amazing cheerleaders

in the world.

If I can get close to them,
I think I may have a shot.

Please. None of
those cheerleaders

are going to date you.

Date me? I mean
a shot to get discovered

and join
their cheerleading squad!

And then
it'll be strictly business.

You don't date your coworkers.

That's why I don't date
Geneva or Piper.

You can stare at me
all you want

with those come-hither looks,

but I'm not going to
break my rule.

You should take me.

These guys want to go
for stupid reasons...

to become a cheerleader,
because they love football,

or because they love Ja...

football too,
"jast" football.

If you're not into football,
why do you want to go?

My favourite band of all time

is performing
in the half-time show.

The band I followed
for an entire summer.

I have to see them live!

This is
their farewell concert!

This is Coldplay's
farewell concert?

Not them.

The Hadfield High Marching Band!

This is
their farewell concert

because they're graduating.

Well, except
for the trombone player,

he's failing Phys. Ed.

You spent an entire summer
following a marching band?

Yeah.

[♪♪♪]

So who gets
the second ticket?

Yeah, Jarvis.

Who's it gonna be?

You have to
pick someone.

Hey! I'm someone.

I will tell you who I choose
right after we make more tea.

We'd better
watch the pot

to make sure we know
exactly when it boils.

So I've decided

not to bother you about
going to the game anymore.

As long as you take me.

I didn't know you were "down"
with football.

Pardon my pun... t.

I get those references

because they're...
football terms?

Unless they're not
football terms,

in which case I also
get those references,

because as a huge
fan of the sport,

I would know that
they are not football terms.

Which they are.

Or aren't.

Are you sure
you love football?

Definitely.

You might even say
I'm in love with football,

and I know, given time,

football will one day
feel the same way about me.

What I'm trying to say
is I watch football,

play football,
collect football...

collectibles.

You play football?

Well, we should get
a game of touch football going.

"Touch?"

Well, we're not going
to tackle each other.

You know, either way.

Touch, tackle, tickle...

[gasping]

Do they have
tickle football?

We should
play tickle football.

Let's start with touch
and see how it goes.

-I'll see you later.
-So long.

Don't you mean
"go long"?

[forced, loud laughing]

I get
and/or don't get that!

[resumes laughing]

[door shuts]

[sighs]

Great. Now I need to learn
how to play football.

And no one here will help me.

They all want that ticket.

Except for Mrs. Bubkes.

Maybe she'll be into it.

I mean, she's playing
with Everyball right now.

[♪♪♪]

[weeping]:
Please, Jarvis.

You have to
take me to the game!

Don't make me get down
on my knees and beg!

Although then
I'd finally have a use

for these kneepads
Bowie sold me to use

in the war against
the Moon People...

[yells]:
...that never happened!

[Bowie, yelling]:
No refunds!

I haven't decided
who to bring with me yet.

Fine. But how could
you not take the person

who saved your life?

You never
saved my life.

On it.

What are you doing?

Saving you from
this burning building!

The building
is not burning.

On it.

[lighter clicking]

[clicking repeatedly]

Knox, that barbecue lighter's
out of gas.

Because...

it leaked out!

I'm saving you
from a deadly gas leak!

No, Knox.

There's not enough gas
in that thing to make us...

I have to say,

I'm surprised you know
how to play football,

coming from Meeskatania.

Oh! [speaks Meeskatanian]

...Meeskatanian Football.

[speaks Meeskatanian]

Slightly different rules.

Oh, you mean like
you use a bigger field?

No. Real foot.

Ugh!

I'm interested in
the local version of football.

I don't want to learn
Meeskatanian football.

Or, I assume,
Meeskatanian handball.

[laughter]

We can use Everyball.

[whoosh]

Ooh.

[speaks Meeskatanian]

You quarterback.

Oof!

How about you
be quarterback?

[barking out Meeskatanian]

Omaha! Hut!

I'm open!

[whoosh]

[groaning] Oh...

[speaks Meeskatanian]

Grass soft.

Yeah...
But I landed on the foot.

And it's in the...
end zone.

[door bangs shut]

So... ha.

Looks like
it's just you and me

and those two tickets
to the marching band concert.

You mean the Super Bowl?

Whatever sporting event
you have to sit through

to see the Hadfield High
Marching Band.

Anyway...

if I went,

we'd probably end up
on the Kiss Cam.

You think so?

Oh, yeah.

And I want to be prepared
with a kiss that's just right.

Is there room
to practice in here?

[whoosh]

[crash-bang]

[shattering and clattering]

Yes.

Our kiss could be
small and sweet,

like this...

Uh-huh?

Or the kiss could be longer...

like this.

[smooching]

That looks nice.

Or the kiss could be passionate
and intense!

Like this!

Mm...

...Mwah!

[laughter]

So which one do you...

The last one!

Ahem. I mean...

I'd very much enjoy
any of those kisses,

but the last one

looked particularly
"Kiss Cam" appropriate.

Oh, I didn't mean you and me.

I'll be doing all this
with him.

That's why I need both tickets.

One for me
and one for Teddy Spaghetti.

What about me?

You want to go?

I didn't know you were into
marching bands.

[speaking Meeskatanian]

Practice kicking.

Wait a second.

You're not gonna pull
the football away

when I try to
kick it, are you?

No...

'Cause that's what usually
happens in cartoons.

It does?

Yeah. So do you promise
not to pull it away?

Promise.

Cross your heart?

Cross my fart.

I'm gonna trust you.

Even though I'm pretty sure
you just said "fart."

[whoosh]

Yow!

See? Bubkes promise.

[♪♪♪]

[relieved sigh]

-Jarvis!
-Ahh!

Look, I know
everyone's bugging you

for that ticket,

and I just
want you to know

I'm no different.

Come on! You've got to take me.
I'm your best friend, right?

[puffing nonchalantly]

What are you doing?

Trying to do that thing

where you avoid
answering a question

by looking around and
whistling innocently.

Let me get my kettle.

Come on. The Super Bowl
is my big chance.

Here's the thing, Bowie.

I find the reason
you want to go

kind of... silly.

You call a boy with the dream
of doing provocative dance moves

while wearing a twinkly top
and booty shorts "silly"?

Please just let me
get my kettle.

I have a very real chance
of making the squad,

and I'll prove it to you.

[♪♪♪]

Knox, if you still
want to save my life,

I'm about to attempt to
choke to death on my own tongue.

[speaking Meeskatanian]

Try tackling.

Good. About time
someone else got hurt.

Rah!

Oof!

[grunting]

[grunting]

[speaking Meeskatanian]

I show you.

Okay, so what do I...

[thud]

[whoosh]

[gulps]

[speaks Meeskatanian]
Where going?

I'm going to go
work on passing...

this ping-pong ball.

I need to get it
out of my system before it...

[whoosh]

Uh-oh.

[speaks Meeskatanian]

Basketball?

Volleyball?

Ah! Disco ball!

[♪♪♪]

Jarvis has to
give that ticket to me.

I'm football's
number-one fan.

Well, I'm Hadfield High
Marching Band's number-one fan.

Do they have
a number-two fan?

Yeah. Teddy Spaghetti.

Where is Jarvis, anyway?

He's in his office

pretending that choosing me
is difficult for him.

I mean,
I'm his best friend, right?

[whistling nonchalantly]

[whistling too]

[joins in]

[kettle whistles]

Well, I know Jarvis.

So I'm sure he's struggling
with this decision

and carefully
weighing the merits

of each of our arguments.

Who should
I take to the Super Bowl?

[whoosh]

[whap]

What should I do?

No matter who I choose,

I'll be disappointing
two of my friends.

And Bowie.

I don't know
if I can face them.

Oh! Gah!

You've got to
take me, Jarvis!

This could be my big break.

Besides, I deserve to go
more than Geneva.

Hey! That's
only partly true.

Don't you want to bring
a football expert

who can give you
the play-by-play

while also snuggling you?

Yeah!

-Pick me!
-We're besties!

I almost
saved your life!

You can watch me
kiss a bear!

Do you want me to do that?
I can do that!

Mm...

That's enough!

When I got
these Super Bowl tickets,

I thought
it was a great thing.

The way
you've all been acting,

not only do none of you
deserve to go,

but you've made me
not even want to go anymore.

There.
I hope you're happy!

[cries out]:
How would that make me happy?

You guys may not
realize this,

but I like football.

I don't like myself
very much right now.

You get used to it.

Jarvis is right.

We're acting like monsters.
Especially that guy.

I guess we have no one
to blame but ourselves.

We didn't leave
Jarvis much choice.

I feel terrible.

Me too.

Me too.

I guess I'll never

see the Hadfield High
marching band again.

[faint strains of music]

I was wrong!

They're going by right now!

[yells]: I love you guys!

[♪♪♪]

Come on. It's almost
time for the big game.

And the big half-time show.

-And our Everyball commercial!
-[whoosh]

[thud]

I hate this ball.

I know none of us
got to go to the game,

but at least we all get
to enjoy it together.

True.

I mean, what kind of friends
fight over football tickets?

We were greedy
and selfish.

Get your own snacks!

[whistle tweets]

[TV commentator]:
It's time for the kick-off!

Where's Jarvis?

He must be
so upset with us

he doesn't even
want to watch the game.

No, I think he does
want to watch the game.

...the 10...

Touchdown!
[crowd roaring]

Jarvis tricked us!

Those tickets he ripped up
must've been fake!

Great.
So we're stuck here

while Jarvis is having
the best time ever.

♪ It's kissing time ♪

[Announcer]:
Throughout the ages,

there have been
certain inventions

that have changed the world.

Well, the next big thing
is here!

Knickknack Toys presents...
Everyball!

It's every ball you'll want,
and the only ball you'll need.

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The "P" stands for
"purchase one today."

Seriously, we spent
a lot of money

on this commercial.

[♪♪♪]