Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 24 - Mmmbomb - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

Sorry
I'm two hours late.

The bus took forever!

Half the streets are closed.

Prime Minister
Davenport's in town.

I assume
they closed the streets

because he's
a terrible driver.

Well, at least
I'm not the only one who's late.

What are you
talking about?

This is when
I always show up.

I mean,
on days I show up.



You didn't get stuck
in traffic?

No. This nice man
in a flag-covered limousine

gave me a lift.

Wow, was he
a terrible driver.

Hey! There he is!

Hello!

Geneva, he can't
hear you or see you wave.

Hello!

[audience laughs]

Davenport's in town

to dedicate the opening
of a new library.

A "library" is a building
where they keep books.

Thank you!

"Books" are printed
collections of words.



Thank you.

You're not
really listening

to anything
I'm saying, are you?

Thank you.

Good morning.

When I announced

that I would be
at this ribbon-cutting,

my security team wanted me
to hurry it along,

citing "unspecified threats."

But I will not
"hurry it along,"

for we cannot live in fear
of those who would do us harm.

Plus...

it's not safe
to run with scissors.

[boing-boing-boing]

Did you hear that?

Mmm-boing is back!

[boing-boing]

Actually, I think
it's coming from the TV.

[boing-boing-boing]

[boing-boing
boing]

[audience laughing]

Swordfish is down.
Swordfish is down!

Wow.

I guess
it's also not safe

to stand
with scissors.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

What are we going to do?

Our nation's leader
was hit by Mmm-boing.

A rubber ball
I invented!

I'm sure it's all
blown over by now.

[dramatic theme plays]

[reporter]:
Reports are

Prime Minister Davenport
is recovering

after being
brutally attacked.

[boing]

Investigators have used

the latest
in digital enhancing technology

to identify the attacker

as some sort of
weaponized rubber ball...

and have launched
a nationwide ball-hunt!

It's still unclear
whether or not

this smiling sphere of evil
acted alone.

This is bad!

If they catch Mmm-boing,
they'll trace him back to me.

How? Is there some
digital signature

hard-coded
in his circuitry?

No. I wrote "If found,

return to Bowie Sherman
at Knickknack Toys" on it.

Hey, you may doubt my methods,

but I have recovered
a lot of underpants that way.

[♪♪♪]

Piper?
My computer is full.

Were you feeding it again?

Don't feel bad.

When I skip lunch,
I crash too.

[whirring]

No. Not that kind of full.

[keys clacking, beeping]

There's no more room
on the hard drive.

How many designs
do you have saved on here?

All of them.

It makes sense
to have them in one place.

[Candace]: All of the company's
toy designs are on there?

I've got to
get my hands on them.

My fat, wrinkly, rubber hands!

Oops. These are my hands!

Okay, I guess you need
a bigger hard drive.

Plus,
I'm pretty sure

these chips
aren't compatible

with your hardware.

[Mrs. Bubkes]:
Ooh, Geneva!

[speaks Meeskatanian]

Wore outfit before?

No! I haven't worn
this outfit before.

I would never wear
the same thing more than once.

That's why I don't go
to a school with uniforms.

I mean, I'm enrolled in one.
I just don't go.

[speaks in Meeskatanian]

Have video.

[gasps in horror]

I have worn it before!

I need to go change!

[shrieks] Aah!

[as Candace]:
Like taking candy from a baby.

[keys clacking, beeping]

[snaps]:
"Password protected?"

Guess I did all this
for nothing.

Wait!

Maybe not.

[whirs]

Like stealing bologna
from a computer.

Well, there hasn't been
much else on the news

about the whole
Mmm-boing thing.

Think Bowie's
off the hook?

You mean
"off the hook,"

like they're not
after him anymore,

or "off the hook!"
like he's crazy cool?

Because,
either way, no.

[audience laughs]

[gasps]:
It's... it's...

It's...

My ride home!

You're early.

I don't usually leave work
till lunchtime.

That's not why I'm here.

I'd like to
talk to Bowie Sherman.

Clearly, you've never
talked to Bowie Sherman.

Uh... Bowie's
not here right now.

Then you won't mind
if my men sweep the place.

[snaps]

They don't have to
sweep the place.

We have a cleaning lady
for that.

[babbles Meeskatanian]

[giggles]

Hello.

[♪♪♪]

All right, men.

Bowie Sherman has to
be here somewhere.

That's not him.

That's just
his nameplate.

Keep looking.

We told you,
Bowie's not here.

Besides, looks like
you've recovered

from the whole

"rubber ball
to the head" thing.

One might even say
you've bounced back.

Oh.

So I should just let it go?

Yes.

And ignore the fact

that Bowie Sherman is behind
an attempt to assassinate

one of the leaders
of the free world?

Yes?

[blurts, as Bowie]:
Assassinate?

I mean...

[speaks Meeskatanian]

"Assassinate?"

Yes. And we have evidence
linking Bowie Sherman

to the incident.

[boing-boing-boing-
boing-boing-boing]

You caught
Mmm-boing?

How?

We discovered
where he was hiding

by following up on a tip
from a concerned citizen.

[boing... boing... boing...]

[boing]

[♪♪♪]

Isn't there some way
you can pardon Bowie?

Let him
off the hook?

Please?

[speaks Meeskatanian]

Too pretty for jail.

As a matter of fact,

I'd be willing
to forget the whole thing

if you guys
help me with something.

We'll do it!

Bowie, we don't even
know what it is yet.

Oh, yeah. Right.

What ees eet?

We want your help

using the technology
in Mmm-boing

for humanitarian purposes.

Really?

If we drop food that bounces
on impoverished nations,

it will travel
all over the country

until it's found by
those who need it most.

That's a wonderful idea.
We'd be happy to help.

Great.

Bowie, you can take
the fat suit off now.

They make fat suits?

That would've been
so much easier!

[keys clacking]

[Candace, thinking]:
That's it...

Now enter your password.

You are a messy eater.

Gah. It's got to be

some kind of personal
information.

Candace?

I mean...

[thinking]: Gah!

It's got to be some kind
of personal information.

Can I help you
with something?

Uh... y-yeah.

I was just wondering

if you could tell me

your birthday,
your favorite color,

what you called your first pet,
and your mother's maiden name?

I could, but I don't like
talking about myself.

I like when
other people talk about me.

Why are you asking me
all these questions?

Because...

Uh...

I just got a job

at Ditz Magazine,

and we're doing
a profile on you.

Really? Finally!

I've written you guys
dozens of letters

asking you to do that.

You didn't mail them?

No. I didn't know
I was supposed to.

That's why
you are "Ditz" material!

Anyway, there are
lots of things about you

our readers want to know.

Readers?

I mean...
our picture-looker-atters.

So maybe could you tell me
the name of your first crush,

the street you grew up on,
your favorite holiday,

and your mother's maiden name.

Our picture-looker-atters
really want to know that one.

Hold on, if you're doing
a profile on me,

what about the photo shoot?

Photo shoot?

Yeah. They do one
for every profile in Ditz.

Fine. I guess
we'll do a photo shoot.

Great! Now, move.

I already said we'll do one.
What's the rush?

No, I mean move!

[whooshing]

Whee-ee-ee!

[electricity humming]

[beeping]

How goes the research?

Coming along.
I've been working

on integrating Mmm-boing's
perpetual bounce technology

into food items.

What kind of food?

[boing-boing-boing]

Pie.

[boing-splat]

A la mode.

Bowie, I don't think
pie is the best choice

for bouncing food.

I have some other ideas.

Like how about

a bouncing bowl
of piping-hot soup?

How about an apple?

I guess I could

replace the core
with a bounce module.

What do you think?

[boinging rapidly]

So, how goes the research?

Watch out!

-[bop]
-Ahh!

That's twice today!

You guys are supposed to
leap in front of me

and take the hit!

[boing-boing]

[boing-splat-thud]

Except when it's pie.

I love pie!

Okay, you wanted a photo shoot,
so here's your photo shoot.

[snap]

Okay. On to the Q-and-A.

We can't do
the photo shoot yet.

Why not?

You haven't given me
an outfit.

Whenever someone
is profiled in Ditz,

the magazine provides them

with an expensive,
one-of-a-kind designer outfit.

Of course they do.

Three hours
and $2,000 later,

we got you

your one-of-a-kind
couture outfit.

Photo shoot, here we go.

[shutter snapping]

Beautiful.

Spectacular.

Now give me fierce.

Fierce like a tiger.

Woohoo. Wow.

You are a natural.

Wait. Before we do
the photo shoot,

are you sure this outfit
is one-of-a-kind?

[shrieking]

Absolutely.

[boing]

I told those kids

we need
200,000 bouncing apples

to "feed the hungry."

They have no idea
what we really want them for.

Oh. You have no idea either?

Once we remove
the bounce modules,

we'll be able to use
the technology to create a bomb

that doesn't stop bouncing
until it finds its target.

"Mmm-bomb" will be
the ultimate superweapon.

Like they say...

an apple a day
keeps the doctor away.

Because dead people
don't need doctors.

[cackling deviously]

[stops cackling] Oh.

I gotta go, Mom.

Come on!

These kids walked
right up behind me,

and you were
facing the other way!

No! It's too late
to fan out now.

You're using us
to make weapons?

Ultimate superweapons,
actually.

I was upset

when I found out
we couldn't use pie.

Now that I know

we're making
killing machines,

I feel
a tiny bit worse!

Forget it!

We're not gonna
help you make bombs!

If you don't,

Bowie here is going to spend
the rest of his life in prison.

-What?
-What?

We'll miss you,
Bowie.

You'll have to
catch him first!

[boing-gulp]

[boing-boing]

Bounce, Bowie!
Bounce away to freedom!

[boing-whump]

[thud]

[boing-boing...]

What color would you
like your bombs?

You're not seriously
considering this?

We're a toy company!

We can't make bombs.

We also can't
let them take Bowie.

Okay, I finally got
that bouncing mechanism

out of my system.

By the way,
do not go in the bathroom.

Not because of the smell,

but because it turns out

it's kind of impossible
to flush bouncing poop.

Or maybe we can
let them take Bowie.

What?

No. I can't speak for all of us,

but personally,
I would miss Bowie.

What are you
gonna do, Jarvis?

Yeah, what are you
gonna do, Jarvis?

Ahh! This is just like
that movie Sophie's Choice.

Because one time,
I had to decide

whether to watch
Sophie's Choice or Silkwood,

and neither
really interested me.

I mean, Meryl Streep's
a good actress and all,

but I'm more of
a Vince Vaughn kind of guy.

Okay, you've got your
one-of-a-kind outfit.

Let's do this photo shoot

so you can move on
to the interview

and uncover
the personal details I...

uh... our picture-looker-atters
want to know.

[snapping]

Anyhoo! Interview time!

-Hold on!
-[roars]: What now?

What about my makeup?

Where's my makeup person?

I'm supposed to hire you
a makeup person?

No. I hired
my own makeup person.

She was supposed to meet me
up here on the roof.

Have you seen her?

Long, curly red hair?

Uh... she quit
the makeup business

and is out there...

pounding the pavement.

I'll do your makeup.

Do you know
what you're doing?

When it comes
to putting on makeup,

I know one or two things.

Okay, turns out
I only know one thing.

[gruff voice]:
Don't bother!

The only thing
gets you out of here is time!

Bowie, what are you doing
in my office?

This ain't your office.

This is our home
for the next 25 to life.

Bars on the windows,
bad food,

no privacy
when we do our business.

And don't forget your deranged,
crazy-eyed cellmate.

I see
what you're doing here.

You're trying to show me
how miserable prison would be...

for whoever ends up
sharing a cell with you.

I want to help you,

but I don't want Knickknack
to be a bomb factory.

I don't know
what I'm going to do.

Well, I know
what I'm going to do.

I'm bustin' outta here!

I can't take it
no more!

Bowie,
it's not a real prison,

and we've only been in here
for two minutes.

Though I acknowledge

it feels like
a lot longer.

I've got it!

We can escape
by hiding in the laundry!

When they come for it,

they'll carry us
right out of here!

Come on!
Get under here!

When are they
coming for the laundry?

Soon.
Just keep waiting.

There.
Photo shoot done.

Anyway!

Interview time.
Finally.

Great. Ask away, Candace.

Let's start
with the basics.

What is...

the name of your teddy bear,
your parents' anniversary,

your favorite movie,
and your mother's maiden name?

Teddy Spaghetti,
April 9th,

Sophie's Choice,
and... Wait. Hold on!

[roars]: What?

You're not going to take notes
with a pad and pen, are you?

What if you lose them?

You can type them
on my computer.

Computer?

Yeah.
The password's "Candace."

"Candace"? Why?

That's what it was when
we took over the company.

I never bothered
changing it.

It took me, like,

two minutes
to figure it out.

You're not
very original.

Where are
all the designs?

All I see here
are pictures of dresses.

Those are the designs.

Every time I see
a dress I want,

I save it.

You can delete
that $2,000 dress,

since you already
bought it for me!

[screaming]

Wait!

I thought you wanted to know
my mother's maiden name?

It's "Password!"

[♪♪♪]

Piper?

Why are you sitting
on the floor?

I'm holding
an anti-war protest.

Turnout is not as good
as I had hoped.

Everybody!

♪ You want us to make
Some bombs that bounce ♪

♪ Mmm-boing
Mmm-boing ♪

♪ You want us to make
Some bombs that bounce ♪

♪ Mmm-boing
Mmm-boing ♪

♪ I thought we were
Gonna deliver some food ♪

♪ Pies and soup
And prunes that are stewed ♪

♪ But none of it
will ever be chewed ♪

♪ Jarvis
I hardly know ye ♪♪

What are you talking about?
Ye know me.

Besides...
I've made my decision.

-You have?
-You have?

You have?

Yes.

I decided to make Mmm-bombs.

[fuse sizzling]

So it works?

It mmm-blows up?

If you throw it
or drop it.

[gasps] Oops!

[rapid boinging]

Oh, no!
We're all gonna die!

Not me.

Wah!

[boinging]

I'm alive!

Ali-i-i-ive!

What just happened?

You threw a child
onto what you thought was a bomb

to save your own butt.

What he thought
was a bomb?

Mmm-boing?

But he's in our custody.

Not anymore.

Laundry pick-up.

[boinging]

[laughter]

Now, I suggest
you leave here

without Mmm-bombs...

or Bowie.

Why should I?

Because if you don't,

we'll release the video

of you using a child
as a human shield.

A small,

innocent,

weak,

helpless,

terrified,

confused,

not-very-bright
child.

Hey!

That last part
wasn't about you.

Okay, good.

What video?

There are no cameras.

My men swept the place.

They missed
our nanny-cam.

The camera
hidden in this nanny.

[laughter]

I thought
she was just your nanny.

Everyone does.

Come on, guys.

I guess we'll just
build regular bombs.

You did all this
for me?

Jarvis!
I knew I knew ye!

And best of all,
you finally caught Mmm-boing.

Where is
Mmm-boing?

I don't know.

He was here
a second ago.

[boing-boing]

[boing-boing-boing
boing]

[boing-boing...]

John Davenport claims

to want
to open libraries...

reform our prison system...

and feed the hungry.

But who is John Davenport,
really?

[Davenport cackles evilly]

We don't just deserve better.

We deserve Mmm-better!

[boinging]

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The "P" stands for

"paid for by the Committee
to Elect Mmm-boing."

[♪♪♪]