Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 22 - Pop Superstar - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

[Beeping]

Okay, the app detected
a heat signature out here.

Switching to
satellite view.

Found you!

So, did you find
my heat signature...

hot?

Yeah.

It's as hot as Bowie's.

Okay, this time,
you two hide, I'll seek.

One... two...



Later.

Right now, we need
to come up with a name

for this Hide and Seek app.

You've got
to hide me!

Not bad, not bad.

They're after me!

I like that,

but it sounds kind of like
the name of a zombie movie.

Help!

There's a crazed horde
of obsessed maniacs after me,

and they won't stop
'til I'm cornered

with no chance of escape!

I'm pretty sure the App Store
limits you to 30 characters.

Hey...



why is there a fourth
heat signature out here?

[Beeping]

[All gasp]

You're Caden Clark!
I love your music!

[High pitched] Oh, my goodness,
it's Caden Clark!

I'm your biggest fan!

[Screams]

But not as much as he does.

What are you doing here?

Running for my life?

I thought
I made that pretty clear.

A group of fans spotted me.

They've been chasing me
for blocks!

[Girl]:
Aah! There he is!

[Girls scream]

I can't look!

Quick! In here!

[Girls scream]

He went that way.

Bowie, where are you going?

After Caden Clark.
You said he went that way.

[scream]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

Whew!

Thanks.
That was close.

What are you
doing here?

I'm performing
at the Pacific Forum tonight.

My limo broke down on the way,

and I thought I could walk
the last few blocks.

Unfortunately, everywhere I go,

there's hundreds of girls
throwing themselves at me.

Wow. Yeah, that
sounds horrible.

Not as horrible as it feels.

Seriously?

Because I wouldn't mind

if hundreds of girls
threw themselves at me.

Or just one really
special girl.

Nah.

If it's not hundreds,
why bother?

For some reason,

girls are always trying
to grab a piece of me.

So tonight, are you going
to sing your hit single,

"Grab a Piece of Me?"

Yeah, I'm going to open
with that.

Then go into,
"Come and Get Me, Girl,"

"Don't Stop Chasing Me,"

and "Nothing You Do
is Too Crazy."

That is, if I can even
get to the stadium.

Actually,
I think you're safe now.

Yep.
The coast is clear.

They're gone.

[Screaming]

Aah!

I don't get it.

Why would he lock the door?

One of his songs is called
"My Door is Always Open...

Especially to Frenzied Crowds."

[Screaming]

[♪♪♪]

Those obnoxious kids
drive me crazy!

It's always, "Mop the floor!"
"Clean the bathrooms!"

"Did you just speak English?"

Mrs. Bubkes?
Did you just speak English?

Uhh...

...no.

I didn't think so.

Anyway, could you mop later?

You're right in the middle
of my bowling alley.

[Laughs]

[Speaks Meeskatanian]

Bubkes work later...

[Speaks Meeskatanian]

...you play.

Oh, I'm not playing.
This is work.

I'm the product
and safety tester.

I have to try all the new toys
to make sure they're safe.

[Speaks Meeskatanian]
...new toy?

[Speaks Meeskatanian]
...bowling!

It's not just bowling.

The pins are made of metal,

and the ball is
a powerful magnet.

That way, you can't miss!

[Magnet hums]

[Clang]

[Hums]

[Clang!]

[Splash!]

"Not safe."

[♪♪♪]

I've got to get past
that mob of adoring girls!

[Screaming]

So you can get to the
stadium and perform

in front of a much bigger
mob of adoring girls?

Exactly!

It's so nice when someone
understands my pain.

Well, there are girls
on every side of the building.

I can see
their heat signatures using

the "There's a Crazed Horde
of Obsessed Maniacs After Me

and They Won't Stop
'Til I'm Cornered

with No Chance of Escape"
app.

We decided to go
with your name.

Wait... the roof!

Does this company
have a helicopter?

Of course we
have a helicopter!

What do you take us for?

A company that doesn't
have a helicopter?

Perfect! Have it
meet us on the roof!

Here it comes!

[Helicopter whirs]

[Caden]: That's
your helicopter?

Thanks for nothing.

What's his problem?

He asked us
to get the helicopter,

and we got the helicopter.

Anyway, think I'll grab
a sandwich from Lenny's.

Want anything?

No thanks.
I'm good.

[Helicopter whirs]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Am I in your way, Mrs. Bubkes?

Do you need to clean here?

[Speaks Meeskatanian]

Not cleaning supplies!

[Speaks Meeskatanian]

...new toy!

It doesn't look like a toy.

[Sticks sticker]

Oh! Never mind.
It does.

Since this is a new toy,
I should probably test it.

Yes! Yes!

[Speaks Meeskatanian]

...floors.

[Speaks Meeskatanian]

...toilets!

[Speaks Meeskatanian]
...my car.

Mrs. Bubkes, toy cleaning kits

are usually made
out of colourful plastic.

These look
like real cleaning supplies.

Are you sure they're toys?

Uhh...

...yes.

I thought so!

They're awesome!

[Giggles]

Okay, with this disguise,

I guarantee no girl
will want to come near you.

See?

Works like a charm!

[High pitched] He's coming!
He's coming!

[Girls squeal and scream]

[Screaming fades]

False alarm!

It's just
some unappealing nobody.

It's working!

This is your chance!
Go!

I can't see where
I'm going in this thing.

[Screams]

Aah!

[Screaming]

These come off?

This is going to open up
a world of opportunities for me!

[Grunting with effort]

Tricking Knox was genius.

Finally, I get to relax
and have fun.

["Game over" sound effects]

Stupid game!

I hate you!

I hate you
from the very pit of my...

[Beep]

Ooh, match!
Free game!

Hey, Mrs. Bubkes!

I've been testing
this toy cleaning kit.

So far, it's safe...

and I have to say, pretty fun!

By the way, thanks for
getting me the accessory pack...

toy apron,
toy cleaning gloves...

toy babushka!

[Chuckles]

[Speaks Meeskatanian]

Uh, less talking,
more cleaning.

Toy.

Testing.

Hmm?

I still haven't figured out
how to play with this toy.

No wonder I couldn't
figure it out.

It's a two-player game!

Argh!

The crowd around the building
is so big,

my security can't get through.

Don't worry,
we'll take good care of you.

What do you need?

Well, I haven't had lunch.

Could I get a burger?

Sure.

Made from ground
ostrich meat,

grilled over a Mediterranean
olive wood fire,

with melted
moose-milk cheese,

hand-brewed heirloom ketchup,

and a pinch of salt
from the Sea of Sardinia.

Oh, and I like it
carried in by doves.

Any doves will do.
I'm not picky.

How do you feel
about pigeon?

Instead of the doves?

No, instead
of the ostrich.

What's this?

It's for
one of our video games,

"Pop Superstar."

[Powers up with hum]

[♪♪♪]

♪ G-g-grab a piece of me ♪

♪ You insist that
you're my queen ♪

Hey, I'm pretty good at this!

Well, the object of
the game is to become

the world's biggest
pop superstar...

which you've kind of
already done.

Plus that's
one of your songs.

[♪♪♪]

This "toy cleaning set" scheme

is the greatest thing
I've ever done.

Fresh air, sunshine,

relaxation...

You have got to be kidding me!

[Screams]

Ooh, birdie!

I love golf!

Mrs. Bubkes!

Come with me!
You need to see the lobby!

Wow!

Cool golf glove.

[Elevator dings]

[Speaks Meeskatanian]

Lobby clean!

That's one way to put it.

Unfortunately,
it's the wrong way.

[Speaking Meeskatanian]

What happened?

Well, I tested the
mop, and it's safe.

I tested the toilet
brush, and it's safe.

I tested the vacuum
cleaner, and it's safe...

to say it's
very dangerous.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, Caden,
we came up with a way

to get you out of here
and to your concert.

We smuggle you out,
hidden in a shipment of toys.

There's a Rainbow Bunny
shipment

going out this afternoon.

[Tinny music from headphones]

[Magic chime]

[Splat]

Don't worry,
they don't poop much.

All you have to do
is hold your breath

and make Rainbow Bunny sounds.

♪ Oh-whoa-oh! ♪

Close, but it's more
like...

"Brrring! Pfft."

So, Caden, what do you say?

I'm not sneaking out in
a box of Rainbow Bunnies.

Okay, we have other toys
shipping out today...

Professor Knickknack's
Slimy Snot...

Stinky Stinkpants,
the Skunk with Real Stink...

Can o' Vomit...

You don't understand.

I'm not sneaking out because
I'm not performing tonight...

or ever.

What?

I'm quitting being
a pop superstar

to become a professional
Pop Superstar...

player.

I'm going to go pro
and play this game full time.

What about your fans?

They say you should do
what makes you happy.

And this makes me happy.

Right, 'cause again, being
chased by hundreds of girls...

blech!

But your fans are expecting you
at that concert.

What are you going
to tell them?

Nothing.
You guys tell them.

Suddenly I don't
feel so well.

[Vomiting sound]

Yup, I'm so upset,

I'm not even enjoying playing
with this Can o' Vomit.

[Makes vomiting sound]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

We've got to find a way
to get Caden to perform tonight.

How? He quit
being a pop star.

I don't know, but it was
our game that made him quit.

Knickknack is supposed
to make kids happy.

Instead, we'll be despised
by every teenager in the world.

You get used to it.

You're not playing
Pop Superstar!

That's the best news
I've heard all day!

I've been busy
booking tour dates.

That's the best news
I've heard all day!

And I just heard
some really good news,

like, two seconds ago!

I'm so glad you're
going back to your music.

Oh, not those
tour dates.

Dates for my professional
Pop Superstar video game tour.

I just booked a big tournament
at a pizza place in Saskatoon.

First prize is a T-shirt!

♪ T-shirt, here I come
T-shirt, here I come ♪

Whoa!

♪ I got slightly delayed
but now I'm back on track ♪

♪ T-shirt, here I come ♪

[Elevator dings]

♪ T-shirt, here I come ♪

Knox must have figured out
what I was up to

and did this to get back at me.

He looks dumb,
he acts dumb,

but he's...

no, he's dumb.

"The vacuum cleaner's
dangerous!"

[Vacuum roars to life]

[Revs loudly]

[Revs]

Uh-oh.

[Tires screech]

Help!

Ah, help! Help!

[Screams, grunts]

Mrs. Bubkes!

[Muffled grunting]

I tested
that vacuum cleaner toy

and told you it wasn't safe.

Why would you play with it?

Uhh...

...choo!

You wanted to see me?

Yeah.

I think I know

how we can get Caden
to perform tonight.

Knock him out, smuggle him
backstage dressed as roadies,

tie rope to his limbs,
and make him a human marionette?

That'll never work.

Where would we get rope?

I have a much better idea.

Remember that Tupac
performance

with Snoop and Dre?

Yeah.
Tupac was a hologram.

Right.

If we hold a fake Pop
Superstar tournament

and get Caden to enter,

maybe we can transmit
his performance

to the Pacific Forum
as a hologram.

He'll think he's playing
a video game here,

and the fans will think
he's performing live for them!

Exactly!

One question...

do you think you can
program a hologram

that's realistic enough
to fool people?

Definitely.

Awesome.
Thanks, Piper.

See?

I told you I could do it!

How often is it a hologram
at work instead of you?

I gotta go!

I gotta go too.

[Cheering] Caden! Caden! Caden!

Caden! Caden!

[Mmm-boing bounces up]

I'm so glad you guys told me
about this tournament.

To think I almost got on a bus
to Saskatoon

to win a lousy T-shirt,

when here I can win a T-shirt
and a water bottle cozy!

Where are
the other contestants?

You're looking
at them!

We all love this game
as much as you do.

That's why we entered
the tournament.

You told me
we entered the tournament

to trick Caden into performing.

We also told you
not to talk.

I was getting to that part.

I can't do everything at once.

What's that?

Oh...

I'm recording this because,

along with the T-shirt
and bottle cozy,

the winner gets
a video of the tournament.

You guys run
a classy operation.

Let's do this!

[Game powers on]

Ladies and gentlemen!

Please welcome to the stage...

on guitar...

Jarvis Raines!

[Camera whirs]

[Plays loud rock guitar music]

On keyboard...

Piper Gray!

[Fast electronic keyboard solo]

On drums...

Knox!

[Drum solo]

And the person
you all came to see...

Caden Clark!

[Cheering]

Wave to camera.

[Cheering]

He waved at me!
He waved at me!

A-one, a-two...

something, a-something...

[Caden]:
♪ I see you stare at me ♪

♪ Every time
and everywhere I go-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪

♪ You are always there
when I look ♪

♪ Peerin' through
my window-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪

♪ I got the weird stuff
you sent to me ♪

♪ Lock of hair
and jam from your toes ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh
oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Don't listen ♪

♪ To the haters who say ♪

♪ that you
are making a mistake ♪

♪ They don't think
you should act this way ♪

I guess this plan
is working!

I love you, Caden!

[Whoosh]

[Loud crash]

♪ You think I might one day
call you ♪

♪ Call you, call you
call you my baby ♪

[Whoosh]

♪ That's why nothin' nothin'
nothin' nothin' nothin'

♪ Nothing you do
is too crazy ♪

Caden tricked us!

Boo!

I think I know where he is!

Follow me!

♪ Too crazy ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Okay, the last thing you did
was too crazy ♪

♪ Way too crazy ♪

Thank you! Thank you!

[♪♪♪]

Another one of my songs!

I'm gonna ace
this tournament!

♪ Come and get me, girl ♪

I can't believe
how well this is going!

I'm totally gonna have girls
chasing me later!

[Elevator dings]

[Angry chatter]

Maybe sooner than you think.

I saw right through
your little plan!

Well, ran through it.

Okay, I'm sorry
to tell you all this, but...

Caden has retired.

[Fans gasp in horror]

No!

It's true.

I have retired...

from being a professional
Pop Superstar player.

What?

I just looked at the score.

You guys are way better
at this game than me.

I stink!

No!

You just need more practice.

Buckle down, play the game
for two or three years.

Remember, no talking.

You guys made me realize
I have no chance

of becoming the world's greatest
Pop Superstar,

and will have to settle

for being the world's greatest
pop superstar.

I still love you, Caden!

[♪♪♪]

[Announcer]: Knickknack Records
is proud to present

Caden Clark's biggest hits
in one fantastic collection!

♪ G-g-grab a piece of me ♪

♪ You insist
that you're my queen ♪

♪ You should act this way ♪

♪ And nothing you do
is too crazy ♪

♪ That's why nothin' nothin'
nothin' nothin' nothin' ♪

♪ Nothing you do is too crazy ♪

♪ Come and get me, girl ♪

♪ Even if I'm hidin' ♪

♪ Search the whole wide world ♪

♪ And never stop tryin' ♪

♪ If you can't find me, girl ♪

♪ Please don't just assume ♪

♪ I'll be waitin' for you ♪

♪ In my panic room ♪

[♪♪♪]

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The "P" stands for "privacy."

Please respect it.

[♪♪♪]