Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 20 - Realm of Raiders - full transcript
Piper has an online and in real life rivalry with someone.
♪ Here we go ♪
I did it.
I finally did it.
I've been watching him
for months,
studying his every move,
and I finally did it.
I killed him!
Killed who?
No! Don't tell us!
The less you say, the better!
I didn't kill anyone
in real life!
I killed someone's character
in Realm of Raiders,
the online medieval
role-playing game.
Yeah.
And that stuff bores me.
That's why I said,
"the less you say, the better."
How did it happen?
Well, I was camping
the carrion creepers
in Klovish Keep when...
No, I mean how did it happen
that Aster got away
and I'm still here
listening to this story?
You don't understand.
I killed AlphaDog!
The world's most famous
video game player!
So someone
who's not famous at all?
You're wrong.
AlphaDog is so famous
in gamer circles,
he conceals his identity
whenever he appears in public.
No one knows what he looks like
or who he really is.
[Tinny applause from speaker]
[distorted]: I'd like to thank
the Golden Gamer Awards,
all the guys
in the ShadowKnight guild,
and, of course,
the big guy upstairs...
My brother, Joey, who lets me
live in his basement.
Seriously, dude,
eat a vegetable.
We're all pretty worried
about you.
He wears a disguise?
Man, you hardcore gamers
are so weirrrrr...
I wasn't going to say "weird."
I was going to say "weir."
What's "weir"?
Weir...
"Noun. A small dam
in a river or stream."
You're all like that.
Good at stopping or diverting
the flow of water.
Anyway,
AlphaDog wants to meet me!
He's coming here!
[distorted]: Actually,
I'm already here.
[Gasps]
Oh, my gosh!
It's AlphaDog!
Mr. Dog, I'm such a big fan.
Can I get you a treat?
You actually wear that mask
when you're just walking around?
Only when it looks like rain.
'Cause I hate when my hair
gets all frizzy.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Buckle up ♪
♪ And hold on tight ♪
♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪
♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪
♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪
♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪
♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪
♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ You got me ♪
♪ I got you ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
So your real name
is Robin?
I really had no idea
you were a girl.
The truth is, I was convinced
you were a boy.
Playing that game,
or when you first saw her
in person?
Anyway, if I'd known
you were so cool,
I never would've killed you.
Yes, you would have.
Totally.
Talk about cool.
This place is awesome!
I mean, you have
a roller coaster!
Which I could supercharge
for you!
[Electric beep]
Really?
You can make it go a little...
[Whoosh!]
Faster?
Whoa!
Sorry, I kind of
messed up your hair.
Are you talking
to Jarvis or Piper?
Because if it's Piper,
her hair always looks like that.
How did he do that?
Did he leave earlier,
or am I crazy?
[Elevator ding]
Crazy to wear
that outfit in public.
Aster, can I borrow
some money for lunch?
I guess so.
Thanks.
I hate buying napkins.
They're really expensive.
Anyway,
here's that money I borrowed.
You know what?
Use your own money next time
you want to wipe your face.
Or any other part of you.
I would, but I'm saving up
to buy a new outfit.
Based on the one
you're wearing?
Shouldn't take too long.
It's a beautiful,
hand-stitched cloak
with ornate gold thread
and ivy leaf detailing.
That sounds amazing!
Can I see it?
Sure.
Oh, it's in that stupid game,
Realm of Raiders?
No!
It's in that great game,
Realm of Raiders!
It's a virtual cloak
for my warrior.
I hope it comes
with a virtual hood,
because it looks
like virtual rain,
and I hate it
when my virtual hair
gets all frizzy.
So you want to pay real money
for something not real?
I think of it
as an investment.
One day,
I'll pass this virtual cloak on
to my virtual kids.
To have virtual kids,
you'd need a virtual wife.
And to get a virtual wife,
you'd need a virtual girlfriend.
And there's virtually no chance
of that happening.
Why would you want to play
some game
where you have to look
at disgusting, misshapen
creatures
with pale, green skin,
greasy hair,
and bulging red eyes?
Actually, the
screensaver came on.
That's a picture
of my grandmother.
That is a nice cloak!
Who designed it?
I don't know. Some
player in the game.
Wait.
Players can design outfits?
Sure.
You can master tailoring,
leather craft, jewel making...
Wow.
I always thought
these games were for losers
who like casting spells
and killing monsters,
not cool guys who like sewing.
[♪♪♪]
Jarvis, you wanted to see me?
Piper, you're a girl...
Hear that, Aster?
He knows!
You were saying?
I wanted to ask you
about Robin.
Robin?
Yeah.
I really like her.
She wears
all these cool Goth clothes,
and she's really good
at computers.
I've never met anyone like her.
Really.
You've never met
anyone like her?
I think I'd remember if I did.
Can you find out
if she has a boyfriend?
What?
A boyfriend.
I want you to find out
if she's seeing someone
so I can ask her out.
[yelling] Sorry!
Can't hear you!
The acoustics in here
are terrible!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[Game announcer]:
New high score!
Hey, Robin.
You have a boyfriend, right?
Yep, thought so.
I mean,
you'd have to be a real loser
not to have a boyfriend.
Do you have a boyfriend?
What?
Wow, the acoustics out here
are terrible!
Actually, I am dating someone.
Perfect!
He can be such an ogre.
Hey, we can't choose
who we love in this world.
Oh, I'm not talking
about this world.
I'm dating an ogre
in Realm of Raiders.
He can be such an ogre.
Sometimes he's a half-elf
candlemaker with a pet griffin.
In this world,
I couldn't be more single.
Come on, there must be
someone you're interested in.
Well, there is
this one guy...
Then you need
to ask him out!
Because you being
single is not okay!
All right. Fine.
I'll ask Jarvis out.
What?
Wow.
The acoustics
are really bad out here.
Jarvis is the guy
I'm interested in.
I'm going to ask him out.
Fine.
If you want to be
one of those girls
that needs a guy
to feel complete.
I didn't think I was,
but you convinced me
otherwise.
[Tinny game music]
Hey, Aster, can I
borrow some more money?
I need to go
to the bathroom.
Ew! No.
You're not using my cash
as toilet paper.
I wouldn't do that!
I'm not weird!
I need the money
for cab fare
because I can only go
at home
while my mom sings to me
through the door.
You're really broke again?
Yeah.
I bought my character
an enchanted silk fez.
I know.
You bought that from me.
I knew that tiny little
imp looked familiar!
[Clanging swords]
You're really into that game,
huh?
It's awesome!
I've made pants, boots,
tunics, capes,
and custom-made bicycle shorts
for a five-legged gorgon!
Now I'm making a primal
darkthread robe of dread!
I'm thinking of giving it
pink buttons.
[Screaming, swords clanging]
Wow.
Someone doesn't
like that idea.
No, that's just
the wraith I'm killing.
I thought you didn't like
that part of the game.
You know,
the game part of the game.
I need his fingernails
to make a darkthread needle.
Otherwise,
I killed the Arachnoid Queen
and spun her silks
into darkthread
on the cursed loom of Xandelth
in the Forgotten Dungeon
for nothing!
Sounds like hard work.
Meh.
Reassuring a hill giant
that turtlenecks are slimming?
That's hard work.
Anyway, I still really
need to go to the bathroom.
Here's my wallet.
Knock yourself out.
Okay.
But I'm not sure how being
unconscious will stop me
from needing to go
to the bathroom.
Hey, Piper.
How's it going?
I'm dressed entirely in black,
sitting alone,
cursing the world.
How do you think it's going?
I guess the same as usual?
Anyway, I was wondering
if you'd go on a date with me
tonight.
Really? Me? You?
On a date?
Of course!
First you know I'm
a girl, now this?
This day is really
turning around!
What happened
with Robin?
I decided not to ask her out...
Great!
When she asked me out.
Asking her at that point
seemed unnecessary.
Anyway,
that's why I want us to go out.
I figured a fake,
meaningless date with you
would be good practice
for my real, important date
with Robin.
[Huffs angrily]
Oh, right.
You were in the middle
of something.
I'll let you get back to it.
[♪♪♪]
I was right.
Being unconscious
didn't prevent me
from needing
to go to the bathroom.
Which is why I went
after coming to
and before taking that nap.
Die! Die! Die!
Why won't this fabric
change colour?
Aster, you've been playing
Realm of Raiders for hours!
[Aster growls]
Remember how you said
you don't want to look
at disgusting, misshapen
creatures
with pale, green skin,
greasy hair,
and bulging red eyes?
Yeah.
[Screams]
Your grandmother!
That's you!
You've been hunched over
staring at that
screen so long,
you look like a sweet,
loving old lady!
I don't care what I
look like in real life.
[gasp]
Wow.
I should not have inhaled
that deeply next to you.
Stop playing
and take a bath!
[Coughing]
Need...more...junk food!
Some kind of fruit...
Some kind
of fruit...
Hey, Aster.
[Shrieks]
Aah!
You actually
look... nice.
I never thought this
day would come.
I'm going on a date
with Jarvis.
Wow.
A day no one ever
thought would come.
It's a fake date.
Jarvis just wants
to test everything out
to make sure his real date
with Robin goes perfectly.
Well, just because
it's a practice date
doesn't mean
you can't have fun.
You've read
about "fun" in books, right?
How am I supposed
to have fun on a fake date?
Look,
the date may be fake now,
but maybe that will change.
If you treat it
like a real date,
Jarvis might see you
in a new light,
and it could lead
to true love.
Really? You think so?
No.
But what else
are you going to do?
Make the date miserable
and give Jarvis bad advice
so his real date
with Robin goes terribly?
Thank you, Aster.
I know what I have to do.
Flowers?
Girls hate flowers!
Ow!
Girls also hate thorns.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Wow.
It's a good thing we're
doing this practice date...
because I really thought
girls liked flowers.
That's what the flower industry
wants you to believe.
Can you really trust people
who profit from funerals?
Who benefit when people die?
Girls want something
timeless. Like a rock.
You mean a diamond?
No, just a rock.
And put it in her shoe
so she'll remember you
with every painful step.
You're welcome.
Okay, a rock it is.
Shall we move on
to dinner?
What are you doing?
Pulling your chair out for you.
Why?
So you can put
a whoopee cushion on it?
What?
I would never do that!
There's your next problem.
Girls love whoopee cushions.
Nothing says romance
like a big fake fart!
But I don't have
a whoopee cushion.
Then you're just going
to have to fart for real!
Save it for your date
with Robin!
This is just a practice date.
Aw, a candle.
We all know what that says.
Romance?
No, that you think your date
is ugly
and want low light
to avoid looking at her.
Why don't you just put
a paper bag on her head?
I wouldn't do that.
Well, you should!
Girls love that.
Are you sure girls like
all these things?
Yes!
Girls also hate it
when you question them.
Actually, that one's true.
Aster?
Aster?
[yelling] Aster!
He won't interact with
anyone outside the game!
There's only one way
to get him to stop playing.
Wow, you do not lose
consciousness easily.
Now that I think about it,
there is one other way
to get him to stop playing.
This primal darkthread
robe of dread
will make you a real ladykiller.
It gives you plus-12 damage
against female characters.
[Coins clink]
Oof!
[Chuckles evilly]
[Bowie]: Aster!
That's Lord Aster of Gabardine,
you foul...
[Screams piercingly]
Bowie?
Why are you
a female ogre?
When I first made
my character,
I accidentally clicked
the wrong box.
I meant to be
a female hobgoblin.
Anyway, you need to stop playing
Realm of Raiders.
Over my dead body.
[deep voice] So be it!
I shall harness the forces
of the underworld
and summon a
fireball of death!
[Mmm-boing bounces up]
Close enough!
[Mmm-boing bouncing]
All right, you didn't like
my flowers, my candlelight,
my home-cooked meal,
or my inability to fart.
All that's left of the
perfect date I planned
is the good-night kiss.
The what?
Sorry, the acoustics
in this paper bag
aren't very good.
The good-night kiss.
You're going
to help me practice, right?
You've been so helpful
up to this point.
You wanna kiss me?
Don't tell me.
Girls hate that too.
Uhh...
Let me get back to you on that!
[Whoosh!]
[Elevator ding]
Thank goodness
Bowie killed me.
I had no idea how much time
I'd wasted in that stupid game.
Well, at least I've seen
my last troll.
[Whoosh!]
[Shrieks]
Aster!
I need your help!
Okay.
We'll need a horse
brush, garden shears,
and a sandblaster.
Oh, and also a miracle.
Not with my hair!
I'm on my date with Jarvis,
and everything is going
perfectly.
It is?
So you mean you...
Made him feel horrible?
Yes!
He had a beautiful,
romantic date planned for me,
and I ruined everything!
Well, they say
play to your strengths.
But here's the problem.
He wants to kiss me!
Is this your problem or his?
Aster,
if I tell him girls hate kisses,
then he won't kiss Robin
tomorrow.
But maybe, just maybe,
this is where
everything changes.
Maybe kissing me
will be so magical
that Jarvis will forget
about Robin
and fall in love with me!
[Kissing sounds]
Yeah, I wouldn't risk it.
[Coaster whooshes up]
Sorry about that.
I was just helping Bowie
with something.
He needed to fill out a form,
and he forgot whether he was
right or left-handed.
You could've asked me.
He's useless with both hands.
Anyway, are we gonna kiss?
Yes.
No!
Yes. No.
No. Yes.
Yes. Yes. No.
Yes.
Your mouth says, "yes no yes
no no yes yes yes no yes,"
but your eyes say...
Actually, I can't tell
what your eyes say.
They just make you
look a little crazy.
Okay...
Let's do it.
Let's kiss.
[Robin]: What's
going on here?
Robin!
I can explain.
I was about to kiss Piper,
but I was doing it for you.
Let me guess,
that didn't come out right?
No, it did.
Piper,
I thought we were friends.
And Jarvis, I never
want to see you again.
Robin, wait!
[Long and loud fart]
Ehh?
Wow.
She must be really mad,
because girls
love farts, right?
[♪♪♪]
[Distored]:
Hello, Jarvis.
Robin?
Yes. It is I, Robin.
I have reconsidered
and think we should kiss.
Doesn't Piper have
that same outfit?
Uh...
she lent it to me.
But you're shorter
than her.
Actually, come to think of it,
you seem taller than you did.
Oh.
I... guess
I grew a couple of inches
since yesterday.
Is that possible?
Are you gonna kiss me
or not?
Sure.
Take off the mask.
Uh... no.
Just kiss me with the mask on.
What? That's weird.
Take it off.
I cannot take it off.
It's stuck.
Well, I'm not going
to kiss a dog mask.
Fine.
Good morning, Robin.
What's good about it?
My mask is stuck.
[♪♪♪]
Yes, it's true.
I was recently slain
by an extremely ugly she-ogre.
Well, my death
means savings for you!
Come on down
to Aster's Fashion Dungeon!
We've got racks of furs,
racks of vests,
racks of tunics...
And an actual rack
in case you're too short
for our clothes.
[Screams in agony]
[Creaking sound]
And best of all,
everything's on sale.
Our prices are so low,
even Druids can
afford to shop here!
I'm P. Everett Knickknack...
This isn't
a toy commercial.
Okay, then.
[♪♪♪]
I did it.
I finally did it.
I've been watching him
for months,
studying his every move,
and I finally did it.
I killed him!
Killed who?
No! Don't tell us!
The less you say, the better!
I didn't kill anyone
in real life!
I killed someone's character
in Realm of Raiders,
the online medieval
role-playing game.
Yeah.
And that stuff bores me.
That's why I said,
"the less you say, the better."
How did it happen?
Well, I was camping
the carrion creepers
in Klovish Keep when...
No, I mean how did it happen
that Aster got away
and I'm still here
listening to this story?
You don't understand.
I killed AlphaDog!
The world's most famous
video game player!
So someone
who's not famous at all?
You're wrong.
AlphaDog is so famous
in gamer circles,
he conceals his identity
whenever he appears in public.
No one knows what he looks like
or who he really is.
[Tinny applause from speaker]
[distorted]: I'd like to thank
the Golden Gamer Awards,
all the guys
in the ShadowKnight guild,
and, of course,
the big guy upstairs...
My brother, Joey, who lets me
live in his basement.
Seriously, dude,
eat a vegetable.
We're all pretty worried
about you.
He wears a disguise?
Man, you hardcore gamers
are so weirrrrr...
I wasn't going to say "weird."
I was going to say "weir."
What's "weir"?
Weir...
"Noun. A small dam
in a river or stream."
You're all like that.
Good at stopping or diverting
the flow of water.
Anyway,
AlphaDog wants to meet me!
He's coming here!
[distorted]: Actually,
I'm already here.
[Gasps]
Oh, my gosh!
It's AlphaDog!
Mr. Dog, I'm such a big fan.
Can I get you a treat?
You actually wear that mask
when you're just walking around?
Only when it looks like rain.
'Cause I hate when my hair
gets all frizzy.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Buckle up ♪
♪ And hold on tight ♪
♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪
♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪
♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪
♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪
♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪
♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪
♪ You got me ♪
♪ I got you ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
So your real name
is Robin?
I really had no idea
you were a girl.
The truth is, I was convinced
you were a boy.
Playing that game,
or when you first saw her
in person?
Anyway, if I'd known
you were so cool,
I never would've killed you.
Yes, you would have.
Totally.
Talk about cool.
This place is awesome!
I mean, you have
a roller coaster!
Which I could supercharge
for you!
[Electric beep]
Really?
You can make it go a little...
[Whoosh!]
Faster?
Whoa!
Sorry, I kind of
messed up your hair.
Are you talking
to Jarvis or Piper?
Because if it's Piper,
her hair always looks like that.
How did he do that?
Did he leave earlier,
or am I crazy?
[Elevator ding]
Crazy to wear
that outfit in public.
Aster, can I borrow
some money for lunch?
I guess so.
Thanks.
I hate buying napkins.
They're really expensive.
Anyway,
here's that money I borrowed.
You know what?
Use your own money next time
you want to wipe your face.
Or any other part of you.
I would, but I'm saving up
to buy a new outfit.
Based on the one
you're wearing?
Shouldn't take too long.
It's a beautiful,
hand-stitched cloak
with ornate gold thread
and ivy leaf detailing.
That sounds amazing!
Can I see it?
Sure.
Oh, it's in that stupid game,
Realm of Raiders?
No!
It's in that great game,
Realm of Raiders!
It's a virtual cloak
for my warrior.
I hope it comes
with a virtual hood,
because it looks
like virtual rain,
and I hate it
when my virtual hair
gets all frizzy.
So you want to pay real money
for something not real?
I think of it
as an investment.
One day,
I'll pass this virtual cloak on
to my virtual kids.
To have virtual kids,
you'd need a virtual wife.
And to get a virtual wife,
you'd need a virtual girlfriend.
And there's virtually no chance
of that happening.
Why would you want to play
some game
where you have to look
at disgusting, misshapen
creatures
with pale, green skin,
greasy hair,
and bulging red eyes?
Actually, the
screensaver came on.
That's a picture
of my grandmother.
That is a nice cloak!
Who designed it?
I don't know. Some
player in the game.
Wait.
Players can design outfits?
Sure.
You can master tailoring,
leather craft, jewel making...
Wow.
I always thought
these games were for losers
who like casting spells
and killing monsters,
not cool guys who like sewing.
[♪♪♪]
Jarvis, you wanted to see me?
Piper, you're a girl...
Hear that, Aster?
He knows!
You were saying?
I wanted to ask you
about Robin.
Robin?
Yeah.
I really like her.
She wears
all these cool Goth clothes,
and she's really good
at computers.
I've never met anyone like her.
Really.
You've never met
anyone like her?
I think I'd remember if I did.
Can you find out
if she has a boyfriend?
What?
A boyfriend.
I want you to find out
if she's seeing someone
so I can ask her out.
[yelling] Sorry!
Can't hear you!
The acoustics in here
are terrible!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[Game announcer]:
New high score!
Hey, Robin.
You have a boyfriend, right?
Yep, thought so.
I mean,
you'd have to be a real loser
not to have a boyfriend.
Do you have a boyfriend?
What?
Wow, the acoustics out here
are terrible!
Actually, I am dating someone.
Perfect!
He can be such an ogre.
Hey, we can't choose
who we love in this world.
Oh, I'm not talking
about this world.
I'm dating an ogre
in Realm of Raiders.
He can be such an ogre.
Sometimes he's a half-elf
candlemaker with a pet griffin.
In this world,
I couldn't be more single.
Come on, there must be
someone you're interested in.
Well, there is
this one guy...
Then you need
to ask him out!
Because you being
single is not okay!
All right. Fine.
I'll ask Jarvis out.
What?
Wow.
The acoustics
are really bad out here.
Jarvis is the guy
I'm interested in.
I'm going to ask him out.
Fine.
If you want to be
one of those girls
that needs a guy
to feel complete.
I didn't think I was,
but you convinced me
otherwise.
[Tinny game music]
Hey, Aster, can I
borrow some more money?
I need to go
to the bathroom.
Ew! No.
You're not using my cash
as toilet paper.
I wouldn't do that!
I'm not weird!
I need the money
for cab fare
because I can only go
at home
while my mom sings to me
through the door.
You're really broke again?
Yeah.
I bought my character
an enchanted silk fez.
I know.
You bought that from me.
I knew that tiny little
imp looked familiar!
[Clanging swords]
You're really into that game,
huh?
It's awesome!
I've made pants, boots,
tunics, capes,
and custom-made bicycle shorts
for a five-legged gorgon!
Now I'm making a primal
darkthread robe of dread!
I'm thinking of giving it
pink buttons.
[Screaming, swords clanging]
Wow.
Someone doesn't
like that idea.
No, that's just
the wraith I'm killing.
I thought you didn't like
that part of the game.
You know,
the game part of the game.
I need his fingernails
to make a darkthread needle.
Otherwise,
I killed the Arachnoid Queen
and spun her silks
into darkthread
on the cursed loom of Xandelth
in the Forgotten Dungeon
for nothing!
Sounds like hard work.
Meh.
Reassuring a hill giant
that turtlenecks are slimming?
That's hard work.
Anyway, I still really
need to go to the bathroom.
Here's my wallet.
Knock yourself out.
Okay.
But I'm not sure how being
unconscious will stop me
from needing to go
to the bathroom.
Hey, Piper.
How's it going?
I'm dressed entirely in black,
sitting alone,
cursing the world.
How do you think it's going?
I guess the same as usual?
Anyway, I was wondering
if you'd go on a date with me
tonight.
Really? Me? You?
On a date?
Of course!
First you know I'm
a girl, now this?
This day is really
turning around!
What happened
with Robin?
I decided not to ask her out...
Great!
When she asked me out.
Asking her at that point
seemed unnecessary.
Anyway,
that's why I want us to go out.
I figured a fake,
meaningless date with you
would be good practice
for my real, important date
with Robin.
[Huffs angrily]
Oh, right.
You were in the middle
of something.
I'll let you get back to it.
[♪♪♪]
I was right.
Being unconscious
didn't prevent me
from needing
to go to the bathroom.
Which is why I went
after coming to
and before taking that nap.
Die! Die! Die!
Why won't this fabric
change colour?
Aster, you've been playing
Realm of Raiders for hours!
[Aster growls]
Remember how you said
you don't want to look
at disgusting, misshapen
creatures
with pale, green skin,
greasy hair,
and bulging red eyes?
Yeah.
[Screams]
Your grandmother!
That's you!
You've been hunched over
staring at that
screen so long,
you look like a sweet,
loving old lady!
I don't care what I
look like in real life.
[gasp]
Wow.
I should not have inhaled
that deeply next to you.
Stop playing
and take a bath!
[Coughing]
Need...more...junk food!
Some kind of fruit...
Some kind
of fruit...
Hey, Aster.
[Shrieks]
Aah!
You actually
look... nice.
I never thought this
day would come.
I'm going on a date
with Jarvis.
Wow.
A day no one ever
thought would come.
It's a fake date.
Jarvis just wants
to test everything out
to make sure his real date
with Robin goes perfectly.
Well, just because
it's a practice date
doesn't mean
you can't have fun.
You've read
about "fun" in books, right?
How am I supposed
to have fun on a fake date?
Look,
the date may be fake now,
but maybe that will change.
If you treat it
like a real date,
Jarvis might see you
in a new light,
and it could lead
to true love.
Really? You think so?
No.
But what else
are you going to do?
Make the date miserable
and give Jarvis bad advice
so his real date
with Robin goes terribly?
Thank you, Aster.
I know what I have to do.
Flowers?
Girls hate flowers!
Ow!
Girls also hate thorns.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Wow.
It's a good thing we're
doing this practice date...
because I really thought
girls liked flowers.
That's what the flower industry
wants you to believe.
Can you really trust people
who profit from funerals?
Who benefit when people die?
Girls want something
timeless. Like a rock.
You mean a diamond?
No, just a rock.
And put it in her shoe
so she'll remember you
with every painful step.
You're welcome.
Okay, a rock it is.
Shall we move on
to dinner?
What are you doing?
Pulling your chair out for you.
Why?
So you can put
a whoopee cushion on it?
What?
I would never do that!
There's your next problem.
Girls love whoopee cushions.
Nothing says romance
like a big fake fart!
But I don't have
a whoopee cushion.
Then you're just going
to have to fart for real!
Save it for your date
with Robin!
This is just a practice date.
Aw, a candle.
We all know what that says.
Romance?
No, that you think your date
is ugly
and want low light
to avoid looking at her.
Why don't you just put
a paper bag on her head?
I wouldn't do that.
Well, you should!
Girls love that.
Are you sure girls like
all these things?
Yes!
Girls also hate it
when you question them.
Actually, that one's true.
Aster?
Aster?
[yelling] Aster!
He won't interact with
anyone outside the game!
There's only one way
to get him to stop playing.
Wow, you do not lose
consciousness easily.
Now that I think about it,
there is one other way
to get him to stop playing.
This primal darkthread
robe of dread
will make you a real ladykiller.
It gives you plus-12 damage
against female characters.
[Coins clink]
Oof!
[Chuckles evilly]
[Bowie]: Aster!
That's Lord Aster of Gabardine,
you foul...
[Screams piercingly]
Bowie?
Why are you
a female ogre?
When I first made
my character,
I accidentally clicked
the wrong box.
I meant to be
a female hobgoblin.
Anyway, you need to stop playing
Realm of Raiders.
Over my dead body.
[deep voice] So be it!
I shall harness the forces
of the underworld
and summon a
fireball of death!
[Mmm-boing bounces up]
Close enough!
[Mmm-boing bouncing]
All right, you didn't like
my flowers, my candlelight,
my home-cooked meal,
or my inability to fart.
All that's left of the
perfect date I planned
is the good-night kiss.
The what?
Sorry, the acoustics
in this paper bag
aren't very good.
The good-night kiss.
You're going
to help me practice, right?
You've been so helpful
up to this point.
You wanna kiss me?
Don't tell me.
Girls hate that too.
Uhh...
Let me get back to you on that!
[Whoosh!]
[Elevator ding]
Thank goodness
Bowie killed me.
I had no idea how much time
I'd wasted in that stupid game.
Well, at least I've seen
my last troll.
[Whoosh!]
[Shrieks]
Aster!
I need your help!
Okay.
We'll need a horse
brush, garden shears,
and a sandblaster.
Oh, and also a miracle.
Not with my hair!
I'm on my date with Jarvis,
and everything is going
perfectly.
It is?
So you mean you...
Made him feel horrible?
Yes!
He had a beautiful,
romantic date planned for me,
and I ruined everything!
Well, they say
play to your strengths.
But here's the problem.
He wants to kiss me!
Is this your problem or his?
Aster,
if I tell him girls hate kisses,
then he won't kiss Robin
tomorrow.
But maybe, just maybe,
this is where
everything changes.
Maybe kissing me
will be so magical
that Jarvis will forget
about Robin
and fall in love with me!
[Kissing sounds]
Yeah, I wouldn't risk it.
[Coaster whooshes up]
Sorry about that.
I was just helping Bowie
with something.
He needed to fill out a form,
and he forgot whether he was
right or left-handed.
You could've asked me.
He's useless with both hands.
Anyway, are we gonna kiss?
Yes.
No!
Yes. No.
No. Yes.
Yes. Yes. No.
Yes.
Your mouth says, "yes no yes
no no yes yes yes no yes,"
but your eyes say...
Actually, I can't tell
what your eyes say.
They just make you
look a little crazy.
Okay...
Let's do it.
Let's kiss.
[Robin]: What's
going on here?
Robin!
I can explain.
I was about to kiss Piper,
but I was doing it for you.
Let me guess,
that didn't come out right?
No, it did.
Piper,
I thought we were friends.
And Jarvis, I never
want to see you again.
Robin, wait!
[Long and loud fart]
Ehh?
Wow.
She must be really mad,
because girls
love farts, right?
[♪♪♪]
[Distored]:
Hello, Jarvis.
Robin?
Yes. It is I, Robin.
I have reconsidered
and think we should kiss.
Doesn't Piper have
that same outfit?
Uh...
she lent it to me.
But you're shorter
than her.
Actually, come to think of it,
you seem taller than you did.
Oh.
I... guess
I grew a couple of inches
since yesterday.
Is that possible?
Are you gonna kiss me
or not?
Sure.
Take off the mask.
Uh... no.
Just kiss me with the mask on.
What? That's weird.
Take it off.
I cannot take it off.
It's stuck.
Well, I'm not going
to kiss a dog mask.
Fine.
Good morning, Robin.
What's good about it?
My mask is stuck.
[♪♪♪]
Yes, it's true.
I was recently slain
by an extremely ugly she-ogre.
Well, my death
means savings for you!
Come on down
to Aster's Fashion Dungeon!
We've got racks of furs,
racks of vests,
racks of tunics...
And an actual rack
in case you're too short
for our clothes.
[Screams in agony]
[Creaking sound]
And best of all,
everything's on sale.
Our prices are so low,
even Druids can
afford to shop here!
I'm P. Everett Knickknack...
This isn't
a toy commercial.
Okay, then.
[♪♪♪]