Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 18 - Presto Pack - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

Hey, guys, what do
you know about magic?

Magic is what happens

when you gaze into the eyes
of the person you're meant...

Nothing.

I know nothing about magic.

Well, if you want to learn,

maybe you should buy
our latest toy, Presto Pack.

[Gasps]

[Applauds]

That's incredible!
How'd you do it?



Do what?
I opened a box.

I know!

Incredible!

Yeah, incredible that you guys
get paid the same as I do.

Right.

I don't pay Geneva
more than you.

Or more than me.

Or more than all of us
put together.

Anyway, world-famous magician
Sam Mazing

is interested in partnering
with us on Presto Pack!

The same Sam Mazing

who daringly dove
into an erupting volcano

with nothing but
a loincloth and Gusto?

Gusto.
His pet monkey.



I don't think Sam Mazing
ever did that.

Oh. Must be
a different Sam Mazing.

The one I'm thinking of died.

Well, this Sam Mazing
is on his way over

to meet with us.

[Poof!]

I'm already here!

It is I...

Sam Mazing!

That's amazing!

Yes. That's what I said.

Sam Mazing.

Thanks for coming.
We're all very...

Wait!

I think I left
the coffeemaker on.

[Whoosh!]

Nope.
It was off.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

[Phoosh!]

Nope.

My hair straightener was off.

Good.

Now, was there anything else
you might have left on

before we get down to business?

No.

Wait!

No.

Okay,
here's some of the tricks

we're thinking of including
in Presto Pack.

Magic playing cards,
cups and balls,

disappearing quarter...

Show him the
opening the box trick!

I think if I'm going to put
my name on Presto Pack,

the tricks need to be...

Sam Mazing?

Ah.

I see you've mastered
the art of mind reading.

You mastered mind reading?

I haven't even mastered
regular reading.

I've got it!

What if each
Presto Pack came

with two razor-sharp
samurai swords?

People could do
my famous trick

where I swallow them

and then have a sword fight
in my own stomach.

Uh, that's an idea.

But it might be too death...

Defying?

Causing.

Maybe instead of including
those tricks in the magic set,

you could perform them
on a live webcast

for the Presto Pack launch!

That's an amazing idea!

Or is it
a Sam Mazing idea?

Nope.
Wasn't my idea.

Great.

Then we'll stick
with these things

for the Presto Pack.

Your tricks
are a little too advanced

for amateurs.

[Bowie]:
Not the sword swallowing.

Watch as I swallow
two samurai swords...

that I blended
into this smoothie.

Ugh!

Why did I put kale in it?

Ugh.
My back is killing me!

I need to find
a more comfortable chair.

Too hairy.

Too leggy.

Too Bowie.

Ahh, this one's good.

So cushy and soft,
with all that padding.

I just wish it
didn't smell so old.

[Screams]

[Thud!]

[Squish!]

Ahh...

that's the spot...

that really hurts now
that someone stepped on it.

[♪♪♪]

[Blades clanging in battle]

[Applause]

Incredible!

And you're watching it live
on the Internet

as we celebrate the release

of Knickknack Toys'
exciting new magic set,

Presto Pack!

[Wet unsheathing sound]

[Applause]

Wow.

I really should chew
my food better.

Next I will show you something
you've never seen before...

unless you've been
to my Vegas show.

Oh no!
Jarvis's fly is down.

This is going out
over the web.

I need to get his attention.

[Sam]: For this illusion,

I require a lovely lady
from the audience.

He said "lady."

I also said "lovely."

How about...
you, Miss?

[Applause]

Now, Miss, have we
ever met before?

Yep.

Earlier today,
when we practiced the trick.

And when you gave me
this dress to wear.

And when you told me to say
I'd never met you before.

And before that?

No.

[Gasps dramatically]

[Applause]

Now, Miss, tonight,

I'm going to put
you in a trance

and have you break the law...

[Audience gasps]

Of gravity!

[Applause]

If you would please
lie down on this table.

[Mysterious chiming music]

Fly. Fly!

Yes, Sam Mazing will make
this random volunteer fly.

I want you to empty
your mind of all...

Done!

Okay, then.

Now relax as I summon
the power of the ancients

to break you free
of your earthly restraints.

[Gasping]

[Drumroll]

[Audience gasps]

[Applause]

I know!
I'll text him.

Your... fly... is... down.

[Phone vibrates]

Yogurt... flame... in... donut.

Stupid autocorrect.

My fly is down.

Why didn't Bowie
try to tell me?

And, as you can see,
there are no wires or tricks.

[Applause]

[Zipping sound]

I'm doing it!
I'm flying!

Can you believe it?

[Booing]

[♪♪♪]

I can't believe
you did that!

How do you know
it's my fault?

I am burning mad!

[Flame whooshes]

Oh, neat!

There are gas pipes
running down your sleeves

fueling the flames!

Stop it!

[Blows out]

You will regret this.

You have made an enemy
of the magic community!

What magic community?

That one!

Meet Tim Credible,

Stu Pendous,

Fran Tastic,

and Remarka Bill.

We are the Legendary
Association of Magic Experts.

L. A. M. E?

So you guys are lame?

Hmm.

We should have thought that
through.

In any event,
divulger of secrets,

you have not seen
the last of us!

[Poof!]

[Fwoosh!]

Remarka Bill,

you really need to work
on your disappearing act.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Whoa.

I can't believe you actually
came to work today.

Why wouldn't I come to work?

Because the entire
magic community

is out to get you?

Come on, Bowie.

So I accidentally revealed
one little trick.

I'm sure they've moved on.

[throws a card]

[Gasps]

You're right.
They sliced that apple for you.

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Jarvis, can you hold
this bagel for me?

I forgot to have it sliced.

Ah! Mm! Ow!

Ah! Ow! Ouch!

Thank you!

Piper, this came for you.

Geneva, you actually did
some work?

Ew, you're right!

I'll carry this
back downstairs.

No, wait.

That's my new chair.

I did some research online

and ordered the most comfortable
chair on the market.

[Loud clatter]

That does look
comfortable.

I guess I need
to put it together.

Want to help?

[Whoosh!]

Okay...

Instruction one...

[Speaks other language
awkwardly]

"Made in Meeskatania?"

I can't read Meeskatanian.

Mrs. Bubkes, can I
borrow you for something?

[Grunts]

[Speaks Meeskatanian]

I not chair!

No, I bought a chair online

that's supposed to be
even comfier than you.

But the instructions
are in Meeskatanian.

Can you help me?

[Laughing]

...Very busy.

[pluck]

Don't worry,
I'll do all the work.

I just need you
to read the instructions,

then show me what to do.

That should be easy, right?

[Giggles, speaks
gibberish Meeskatanian]

No problem.

Hmm...

oh...

hmm...

Uh, I think
that's upside down.

Nope.

[♪♪♪]

What am I going to do?
Those magicians are vicious.

Just take it easy.

How can they
get to you in here?

[Loud slicing sound]

Aah!

[Loud slicing sounds]

We have to get out of here!

And miss this?
I love this trick!

[Jarvis squeaks]

Okay, what do I
need to do first?

Uh...

[Speaks gibberish]

Clang clang clang!

Huh...
[Speaks gibberish Meeskatanian]

[Makes sanding noises]

[Speaks Meeskatanian]
Ah...

[Makes shrieking
drilling sound]

So attach the threaded dowel
to the sleeve nut?

Sure, okay.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, the coast is clear.

[Whooshing]

You said the
coast was clear!

Because I was checking
the marine forecast

on my cell phone.

The coast was foggy,
now it's clear.

Bowie, would you focus?

They could appear
at any moment!

[Geneva]: Hey, Jarvis!

Aah!

Huh.

I've never had a guy
react to me like that.

Now I know how Piper feels.

[Piper]:
I'm not even on the same floor!

This can't continue.

I have to make things
right with Sam Mazing.

[Phwoof!]

Did you just appear
because I said your name?

No, I actually meant to appear
at my accountant's.

But while I'm here,

I might as well punish you
for sins against mysticism!

Wait!

I want to apologize
for ruining your trick.

It was an accident.

I didn't mean to,
and I really am sorry.

Is there any way
you can forgive me?

Forgive you?

You embarrassed me
and my L.A.M.E. friends.

You revealed the secret
to my signature trick.

Well, not my signature trick.

That is good!

You can barely see the wires.

Come on!

Look, I'm sorry for ruining
the levitation thing.

But can't you just come up
with a new trick?

It can't be that hard.

Not that hard?

Have you ever come up
with a magic trick before?

No. I have friends.

So do I!

[Fwoosh!]

[Footsteps]

Tell you what.

If you can come up with a trick
so amazing

that we can't figure it out,

I'll call off the magicians.

All right.

Have you seen this before?

[Applauds]

Seriously,
you're an embarrassment!

[♪♪♪]

All right.

Do you think the magicians
will be impressed

if I make myself disappear...

to Mexico?

There's no need to do that.

I can teach you
an amazing trick.

Look up in the sky.

Behold the full moon!

Yeah?

Prepare to be amazed
as I make it disappear!

Bowie, it's still there.

Yeah, it takes
two weeks.

And if you want me to do
the part of the trick

where I make it reappear,

that takes
another two weeks.

You really think
that's impressive?

Well, once in a blue moon,

I can make it appear
twice in the same month.

Guys, I need a real trick.
A spectacular trick.

Think!

How about we handcuff
your feet to your hands,

then put you in a bag,

and drop you deep
into shark-infested waters?

Whoa!
That would be cool!

How do I get out?

You don't.

You told me to think,

and I figured I wouldn't have to
if you were eaten by sharks.

If we're going to dump
him in the ocean,

we should do it now.

The coast is clear.

How am I going to impress
a group of magicians

who've studied this stuff
their entire lives

when I know nothing about magic?

Well, you'll have to travel
all the way across the world

to the Tibetan Himalayas,

climb the highest peak,

and apprentice for seven years

at the feet
of the great ancient mystics.

Or I could just practice
with Presto Pack.

Here's a trick!
Cups and Balls.

Okay, set out
a ball and three cups.

Then place the ball
on top of the centre cup,

then cover it
with the other cups.

Now, tap it twice
with my magic wand.

And voila, the ball has passed
through the cup to the table.

Does your trick take
two weeks as well?

Ugh!

How do I make the ball appear?

[Mmm-boing bounces close]

Oof!

Ooh!

Do it again!
Do it again!

[Claps]

All right, Mrs. Bubkes,
this is the last piece.

Where does it go?

[Speaks gibberish]

Extra piece.

Then I guess we've finished
assembling this chair!

This doesn't look right.

The Internet said

this was the world's
most comfortable chair.

[Dreamy]
And it is!

[♪♪♪]

Jarvis? Didn't you
wear that yesterday?

I've been here all night
learning magic tricks.

You stayed here
all night?

That is a good trick.

I can barely stand
to stay here all day.

Would it help

if I brightened
your work space up

with some flowers?

And Bowie,

looks like you have a little
something behind your ear.

Is it a hard-boiled egg?

I'm a messy eater.

No.

It's this!

Whoa!

That is impressive...

because I keep my wallet
behind my other ear.

Jarvis, how'd you
do all that?

I can't tell you.

A magician never reveals
his secrets!

Wow...

I actually care!

I finally understand
why Sam Mazing was so upset

when I ruined his act.

A trick's power
lies in the mystery.

My power lies
in my good looks.

Oh, that explains
why you're so weak.

Now I just need a trick

that will impress
those magicians

so they'll stop hunting me down.

I'll be in my office.

[Phwoom!]

You know what?

I'm just going
to take the stairs.

[Drumroll]

[Announcer]:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together

for an incredible
young magician,

the one, the only...

Jarvelous!

[Pwhoosh!]

[Applause]

Tonight, in front of some
of my fellow magicians,

I will perform an amazing feat

of illusionarian...
ism...ness!

We'll see about that.

But before I, Jarvelous,
begin,

I'd like to introduce
my lovely assistant...

Geneva Stonishing.

[Applause]

I have to admit,
he's good with names.

Now, Geneva Stonishing,

if you wouldn't mind
pulling that cord.

I would mind.

[Elephant trumpets]

Ladies and gentlemen, watch
as before your very eyes,

I make this four-ton elephant
vanish into thin air!

Oh no!

The air is thin?

Women and children...
you'll have to go.

You're wasting my precious air.

[hyperventilating]

Now, if the L.A.M.E. magicians
in the audience

would kindly assist me...

[Elephant trumpets]

Could you close
the curtain, please?

All right.

But only because you used
the magic word.

[♪♪♪]

And open!

[Audience gasps]

Jarvelous!

[Applause]

It's not that
I didn't like the trick.

It's just that this chair
is so comfortable.

Here you go.

Jar-ve-lous.

[Applause]

It's especially impressive
you can get it to float

in such thin air.

If you thought making
an elephant disappear

would impress us...

you thought right!

How did you do it?

Oh, no.

I'm taking this secret
to the grave.

Which I'm hoping
won't be soon.

You've proven yourself,
Jarvelous.

You won't be hearing from us
again...

unless you continue
to perform shirtless.

That's my thing.

[Inhales]
Dah!

[Shwoosh!]

You did it, Bill!

Now get off my foot.

Jarvis,
that was incredible!

Yeah.

You have to tell us how you made
that elephant disappear.

Easy.

I used magic!

[Shwoop!]

Oh well. I guess
we'll never know.

[Elevator dings]

[Elephant trumpets]

This one's full.

Yeah, let's wait
for the next one.

[♪♪♪]

Knickknack, the world's
greatest toy company,

has teamed up

with the world's greatest master
of illusionarianismness,

Jarvelous!

Together,
they present Presto Pack!

Astonish your family
and friends

with such tricks as...

Cups and Balls.

The Flower Wand!

The Magical Linking Rings!

Magic Playing Cards!

The Mind-Reading Potato.

And the Vanishing Elephant!

Elephant not included.

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The P stands for "Presto."

[♪♪♪]