Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 16 - Fat Cat - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

[♪♪♪]

You're it!

We're playing Fat Cat,

not tag.

So I touched you
for nothing?

One, two, three...

That's 11.

You rolled 11.

You're on "Pick a card."

Let's skip the part
where you try to read.



"Cat walk."

"You just signed
a modeling contract.

Get $10 million

from the player
that's closest to you."

[sighs]
I guess that's me.

I don't know.
We're not very close.

Great. Now I'm bankrupt.

You can have some
of my Kitty Cash.

You're not supposed
to give money away.

You're supposed
to hoard money!

Keep it close,

like it's the only thing
in this world

that really loves you!

Technically,
the banker's right.



It is against
the rules.

First we have
to play with Piper,

now we have to play
with rules?

Yes!

We need to be experts!

We're hosting the International
Fat Cat Competition

tomorrow night.

Wait, the competition
is for "Fat Cat" the game?

I've been feeding
Chairman Meow

pizza and milkshakes
for nothing?

[burps]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up and hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find
our way around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
Whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
Whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

[♪♪♪]

Okay, we're all set up
for the tournament tonight.

We just need the Kitty Cash.

The money's gone!

What do you mean
by gone?

Oh, good, I thought
I was the only one

who didn't know
what "gone" meant.

All the Kitty Cash is missing.

Someone must have taken it.

"Someone," huh?

I'll bet being around
all that money

was tempting for you, wasn't it?

I'll admit that I may have,
on occasion,

rolled around in it
in nothing but my birthday suit.

This suit.
I got it for my birthday.

But I did not steal
the Kitty Cash!

What kind of person
do you think I am?

-Weird.
-Creepy.

-Icky.
-Odd.

All true.

But I'm not a thief!

If it wasn't one of us,

then someone came in
and stole it.

But there was no sign
of a break-in.

The last person to leave
last night

must have forgotten
to lock the door.

Who was the last to leave?

Well, it wasn't me.

I always take an early lunch
and don't come back.

And I didn't
use the door.

I jumped out a window.

It's faster!

Piper's usually
the last to leave.

She doesn't like to walk home
in sunlight.

[♪♪♪]

Yes, officer, I'd like
to report a robbery.

$300 million!

Oh, no, it's not real money.

It's from one of my toys.

Of course my mommy lets me
use the big boy phone.

Hello?

Huh.

We must have accidentally
been cut off.

The reception on these
big boy phones is terrible.

What are we going to do?

There's no time
to print new Kitty Cash

before the tournament!

We have to figure out
who took that money

and get it back!

Way ahead of you.

I set up my webcam

to livestream
the tournament online.

It's been recording
everything in the lobby

for the last 24 hours.

Great.

Let's see if this caught
the thief in action.

Okay, fast-forward

and let's see
what went on.

[tape spinning]

I don't care
if the shipment is delayed,

the warehouse needs
those supplies.

If planes
are grounded,

get them on a train!

Geneva...

were you

doing work?

I'm not the one
on trial here!

[tape spinning]

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoa! That's awesome!

You did that
while nobody was watching?

Hey, the stuff I do,

I do to please this guy,

not you guys.

[imitating a speeding car]

Vroom! Vroom!

Screech!

[airbag pops]

Nobody drive the desk

until we get
the brakes checked.

[tape spinning]

Ah, here we go.

[gasping in shock]

It's Bowie!

Wheee!

This money feels so nice
against my birthday suit!

Whee!

[tape spinning]

What was that?

Nothing!

[tape spinning]

More tea, Abigail?

Work! It's work.

Toy company.
It's for work.

Toy company...

Work.

[tape spinning]

It's Candace!

How did she get in?

Piper must have left
the door unlocked.

It's true.

The only people with keys
to the building

are us
and Mrs. Bubkes.

Without this Kitty Cash,

those brats won't be able to
host their Fat Cat tournament!

They lose...

I win.

[laughs wickedly]

[laughing and cackling]

[stops cackling abruptly]

[sighs in relief]

Okay, we have
our proof.

You can
turn off the tape.

Not yet!

I just want to see
how long she goes.

Jarvis, I'm sorry.

I guess I left
the door unlocked.

You must be super mad.

Not at all.

Everyone makes mistakes.

I get it, you're mad.

Yell at me.
I can take it.

It's not your fault.
It's Candace's.

She's the thief.

I'm going to call her
and try to get the money back.

No, this is on me.

I'll call her.

I don't know her number.

Are you mad?

[call ringing]

[cell phone rings]

Candace Wheeler.

You crossed
the line, Candace.

Jarvis?

You sound crabby.

Did somebody miss nap time?

Yes, and that's probably
not helping my mood.

But mostly I'm upset

because you stole
our Kitty Cash!

What? That's crazy.

How could you even suggest
such a thing?

We have video!

Oh.

You don't have cameras
in Mrs. Bubkes's shed, do you?

[Jarvis]: Of course not.

We trust Mrs. Bubkes.

Oh, good!

You should.

She seems like a very
trustworthy woman.

I'd even give her
a raise if I were you.

We need that
Kitty Cash back!

I don't have it.

It's locked away
in a safety deposit box

at Pacific Bank and Trust.

Guess you'll have to cancel
your Fat Cat tournament,

and instead focus your energies

on giving Mrs. Bubkes
that raise we discussed.

A new plunger
would be nice, too.

[chuckles wickedly]

[evil laughter]

[stops abruptly]

Great, now
my fake butt is itchy.

[♪♪♪]

All fixed, sir.

But in the future,

try to make sure
your cheques don't bounce.

[boinging]

Excuse me?

Can you help us?

Oh, aren't you three precious?

Do you have
some birthday money

you want to deposit?

Because accounts with
monthly balances under $1,000

will be charged a $16
service fee.

That's not
why we're here.

You have something
of ours in your vault.

It's in a safety
deposit box.

Oh, which one?

We're not sure.

Can we just borrow
the master key

so we can
look through them all

till we find our stuff?

That would be like
a fun game of treasure hunt!

Do you know what else
would be fun to play?

Cops and robbers!

So how about I call those men
with the badges over there

and they taser your eyeballs?

I'm sorry,

but no one touches
the master key but me.

[sighing in defeat]

Let me handle this.

I'll talk to her
banker to banker.

Gimme that key!

[unwinding from spool]

[grunting with effort]

This...

key is...

really heavy.

I think this would be
a good time

to make a withdrawal.

[♪♪♪]

Wow!

Seeing a Taser that close
was really cool.

The Fat Cat tournament
is in five hours.

We're going to
have to cancel it.

People are flying in
from all over the world

to compete.

They're going to be
pretty upset.

At least they'll admit
they're mad.

Unlike you.

I'm not mad at you.

Come on, yell at me,
I can take it.

I know!

We can just play Fat Cat
with real money!

We don't have
$300 million lying around.

Hey, I don't know
how much you pay yourself.

If they won't give us
our Kitty Cash back,

I guess we'll just
have to take it.

You want us
to rob a bank?

Technically, we won't be
stealing anything.

That money belongs to us.

Yeah, but we'd still
be breaking in.

Not if we do it
when the bank is open.

That's actually
kind of genius.

That's why
he's paid the big bucks.

Or the small bucks.

Seriously, how much
do you pay yourself?

Okay...

If we're going to rob,

but technically
not rob, this bank,

we need to
go over the plan

step by step.

First, we go
to the bank.

Whoa!

You said "step by step."

Thank you.

Once we're there,

we carefully assess
the security situation...

Then a helicopter swoops in

and commandos rappel down ropes

to take out any guards

that might think today's
a good day to be a hero.

Meanwhile,

we crash through the windows,

sending terrified patrons
to the floor

amidst the shattered glass!

Then, as we pull away
with the loot,

we launch a missile at the bank,

blowing it,

and any evidence we were there,

to smithereens!

[imitating huge explosion]

Let's call that "Plan Never."

Good thinking.

Every foolproof operation
needs a code name.

Can we get back
to the real plan?

Bowie...

enters the bank first...

His job is to approach
the security guards

and draw them outside.

Excuse me,

may I sketch your portraits?

Let me draw you outside.

Next, Knox enters the bank
pretending to be a customer,

posing as a world
champion athlete.

Hello.

I am posing
as a world champion athlete.

What do you mean "posing?"

Uh...

Once Knox convinces
the bank manager

he's a famous athlete...

Impressive.

What can I do for you?

[Jarvis]:
He gets us into that vault.

I want my world champion
trophies to be safe.

May I put them in your vault?

Certainly.

Wow!

These are
really big trophies!

That's because
I won first place!

In men's shotput.

And... women's figure skating.

[Piper]:
That gets us into the vault,

but we still don't have the key
to the safety deposit boxes.

That's where Geneva comes in.

Wow. I'm stunning.

Sorry, you were saying
something about that doll?

Geneva approaches
the bank,

the gentle breeze
wafting through her hair.

The golden sunlight
dancing on her skin.

Then she goes
into the bank.

[Jarvis]: Once inside,

it's Geneva's job
to get the key.

[Bowie]: How is Geneva
supposed to get the key

without the manager noticing?

Geneva can't do anything
without people noticing!

Thanks for noticing!

She doesn't have
to get the key.

She just has to look at the key

while wearing a pair
of Smart Glasses.

Can I wear
Smart Contacts instead?

I don't look good
in glasses.

When Geneva looks at the key,

the Smart Glasses
will capture a 3D image

and transmit it to Piper and me
inside the vault...

where we'll be able to make
an exact replica of the key

using a state-of-the-art
3D printer we smuggled in.

In order to get
a good look at the key,

Geneva will get
close to the manager

by applying for a loan.

Hello.

I would like to apply for a loan
of one million dollars.

Is this a loan for a business?

Yes. A clothing store.

And when were you
planning on opening?

Oh, it's already open.

I need the million dollars
so I can shop there.

Come on, Geneva,
look at the key.

[printer whirring]

Something's printing!

[printer beeps]

I just love
those shoes.

Ooh!

And your purse is nice too!

[printer whirring]

[beeps]

Somehow those Smart Glasses
don't seem so smart on Geneva.

The key, Geneva!

Look at the key
on her belt!

And what do you think
of my belt?

Take a look.

Nah, I'm not really
that into belts.

But it's a beautiful belt.

Whether you're
into belts or not.

I don't want to
look at the belt.

Come on! The belt
completes the outfit.

[sighs] If you're going to be
so pushy about it,

fine, I'll look at the belt!

[printer whirring]

[beeps]

Finally!

The master key!

Now let's find that Kitty Cash.

Anything?

No, just a bunch of useless
money and diamonds.

Bingo!

Candace also stole the supplies
for the Bingo tournament

we're holding next week.

Is the Kitty Cash in there?

Oh, yeah, it is.

I should've
mentioned that.

[♪♪♪]

Everything
went perfectly.

I even have a great new portrait
for my portfolio.

And I got my loan!

I wouldn't say
everything's perfect.

I lost my endorsement deal
to Bowie.

Where are
Jarvis and Piper?

I really thought you could
unlock a vault door

from the inside.

[♪♪♪]

All right,

Jarvis and Piper must still
be trapped in that vault.

No problem.

I'll just ask for
my trophies back.

No!

If she opens the vault,

Jarvis and Piper
will get caught.

So what are we going to do?

You know
what I think?

I think I do
look good in glasses!

I'm so hungry!

Why couldn't Geneva
have looked at a sandwich?

[sighing heavily]

Was that sigh directed at me?

You're mad!

I knew you were mad.

Come on, let it out.

I can take it.

[shouting] Of course I'm mad!

You did something
incredibly irresponsible!

You left the door unlocked
to the entire building,

let our archenemy waltz in,

steal from us,

and jeopardize not only

one of our biggest events
of the year,

but the entire company!

Forcing us to rob a bank

in gold paint

that does not let
your skin breathe

in places where it really
needs to breathe!

Excuse me,
could I draw you outside?

That's too far.

Draw me inside.

Be sure to get the belt.

[muffled shouting from vault]

[piper]: Well, we wouldn't
be stuck in here

if you had come up with
a better plan!

[Jarvis]: Too bad
you didn't close the vault,

because then
it wouldn't be locked!

Why are there voices
coming from the vault?

You know what they say.

Money talks.

[door clanks open]

Huh. My mistake.

Nothing in here
but these giant trophies.

I guess I'll lock up
the vault again.

Wait!

Thanks.

That was close.

Well, that was
a botched bank robbery.

[haltingly] In that
movie we watched.

When did we have time
to watch a movie?

We were busy
robbing a bank!

This is terrible.

If anyone finds
Jarvis and Piper in that vault,

they'll get thrown in jail.

Well, if they're going to jail,

I'd better say goodbye to them.

See ya!

299,990,000...

300 million!

Wow, how'd
you do that?

What, count that high?

Yeah!

Forget that.

When we left, you guys
were trapped in that vault.

How'd you get out?

Well, we were
stuck in there,

when the weirdest
thing happened...

[printer whirring]

[beeps]

[Jarvis]:
Suddenly the 3D printer

printed out a pair
of Smart Glasses.

Don't ask me why.

I think I do
look good in glasses.

[Jarvis]: We took turns
wearing the Smart Glasses

and looking at each other

so we could use the 3D printer
to make actual trophies...

Then, when
the Bank Manager came in...

Huh, my mistake.

Nothing in here
but these giant trophies.

[Jarvis]: ...we snuck out
without her noticing.

It's lucky the manager
heard you arguing

and opened the vault.

It wasn't luck.

That's why I pretended
to be mad at Piper.

You were pretending
to be mad at me?

Well, I was pretending
I couldn't take it.

Because I can
totally take it.

Anyway, let's focus on
the good news.

We did it!

The tournament's back on.

I know how we should celebrate!

-Weird.
-Creepy.

-Icky.
-Odd.

So, wait,

you had Smart Glasses
and a 3D printer in the vault,

and you didn't think to copy
some money and diamonds?

Oh no, we thought of that.

[chuckling gleefully]

8:00.

That means they had to cancel
their Fat Cat tournament.

[laughs]

Guess I no longer have to
keep this money locked up.

These aren't mine.

You're darn right
they're not.

Hold on, hold on.

[sighing in relief] Oh...

Okay, now.

You can be a millionaire
when you play Fat Cat!

Roll the dice!

Make your move!

And get rich!

[meowing]

Warning...

do not play Fat Cat
with an actual fat cat.

Fat Cat!

From Knickknack!

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The "P" stands for...

piles and piles of money!

[♪♪♪]