Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 14 - Ricky Van Felt - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

[♪♪♪]

Guys, you know how I never do
anything around here?

Well, I did something.

Really?

You did?

Whoa!

Nice work, Geneva.

You just earned yourself...

Employee of the Month!

She's been Employee
of the Month every month



since you took over the company.

Yes, but this time,
she earned it.

I'll hang this on the Employee
of the Month photo wall

with all the other pictures
of Geneva.

Where is the Employee
of the Month photo wall?

At my house.

Can we at least find out
what Geneva did

to, once again, rob me
of Employee of Month?

I ran into Toby Templeton!

And a mailbox and a cat.

Toby Templeton?
The puppet guy?

Is he okay?

Better than the cat.

Anyway, I know him



because I was on an episode
of Tickle Town

when I was little.

Tickle Town?
I remember that show!

From this morning.

Did you know the "D"
says "deh?"

Duh!

No...

"Deh."

You should watch
the show.

Anyway, I told Toby
I was working at Knickknack,

and he wants to meet with us

about becoming
the exclusive manufacturer

of Tickle Town toys and puppets!

[all talking at once]

No. Forget it.
We're not doing that.

What?
Why not?

Because I said so.

Now, don't question me,

or this photo's going to end up
on the wall of shame.

Let me guess. That's
also at your house?

No!

Why would I want
a bunch of pictures of Bowie

at my house?

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪

♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

Those fools.

Giving me access
to Jarvis's office

where I'm free to carry out
my diabolical schemes.

Ha ha ha ha ha...

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Jarvis, I don't
understand!

Why don't you want to
make Tickle Town toys?

I just don't.
Okay?

You win this round, kid.

What was that, Mrs. Bubkes?

It sounded like English.

Oh...

[Speaks Meeskatanian]
learn English!

You're learning English?
How?

Tickle Town.

[Small clattering sound]

Geneva, can we talk
to you for a minute?

A full minute?

No.
I'll give you 12 seconds.

I didn't know you
were an actress.

Oh, this is about me?

You can have the full minute.

Anyway, yeah.

I've done some acting.

It's like modelling,

but you have to move around
and say stuff.

Can we see something
you did?

I don't think so.

I did some stuff
I'm not proud of...

including a commercial
in a really tiny bikini.

Okay, we completely
understand.

Yeah.

We must find
that commercial!

Definitely!

[Computer keys clack]

This would probably
work better

if only one of us typed

and we didn't just
randomly hit keys.

Jarvis refuses to partner
with Tickle Town.

He says he's never
even seen the show.

Never seen it?

How did he learn
to read?

Or count?

Or eat like this?

Arwr rawr rawr nawr!

I don't know,

but we need to get him
to watch an episode.

He'll see
how great the show is.

How are we going to do that?
He doesn't want to watch it.

We'll just use
subtle trickery.

Watch it!
Just watch it!

No!
You can't make me!

It's too horrible!

♪ Come and play ♪

♪ You can stay
all the day ♪

♪ Smile, don't frown ♪

♪ 'Cause you're
in Tickle Town ♪

Yay!

See?

It's kids smiling
and having fun.

Because they haven't
yet experienced

the crushing disappointment
that life will bring them.

[Gasps]

Hi, everyone!

It's your old friend,
Ricky van Felt!

Today, I'm going to take the bus
to the Tickle Town library,

because reading is so much fun!

[Gasps]

What's this?

A penny?

I better find
who this belongs to

because they might need it,
and it doesn't belong to me!

Aah!

Get it away!
Get it away!

No, that's not my penny.

Geneva!
Aren't you going to help me?

And miss finding out
how this ends?

Arwr rawr rawr nawr!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Okay. You're okay.

Just breathe.

Why'd you get so freaked out
watching Tickle Town?

Was it the little kids?

Was it the music?

Was it the puppets?

Aah!
Get them away! Get them away!

Well, we're never going
to figure out what it is

if he won't talk to us.

Jarvis?

Are you afraid of...

Don't say it.
Don't say it.

Puppets?

Aah! You said it!
You said it!

Jarvis,
what's going on?

Okay, I admit that I have
a teensy, weensy, little,

completely rational
fear of puppets,

which everyone should have,

because they're evil
and they want to kill us.

I've searched and searched.

I can't find Geneva's
bikini commercial anywhere!

All I've found is a reference
to her old agent.

We could call him and ask him
to send us the commercial!

He's not going to release it
to some stranger on the phone.

Especially if that stranger
is as strange as you.

True.

But what if he thinks
he's talking to Geneva?

I hid a microphone
under Geneva's desk last month,

and it's been recording
everything.

Why would you hide
a microphone under her desk?

I hide microphones everywhere.

[Knox]: Why would you hide
a microphone under her desk?

[Bowie]:
I hide microphones everywhere.

Anyway, we can use snippets
of Geneva's conversations

to have her say
whatever we want.

[Dials]

[Phone rings]

[Male agent]:
Big Smiles Talent.

[Geneva's voice]:
Hello. This. Is. Geneva. Hayes.

[Agent]: Geneva!
What are you up to these days?

[Bowie]:
I hide microphones everywhere.

[Agent]: What?

Oops.

[Geneva]: Ignore him.

That was just
my creepy co-worker, Bowie.

Luckily I have, like,
a hundred recordings

of that full sentence.

[Geneva]: Any. Way.
I. Was. Wonder. Ring.

If. You. Could. Send. Me.
My. Bee. Key. Knee. Video.

Please.

[Agent]:
Why do you sound so weird?

What's going on?

[Stomping footsteps]

I want every recording
you have of me!

Every piece of tape!
Now!

[Agent]: Yes, Miss Hayes.
We'll send it right over.

[Geneva]
Thank. You. Talent. Asian.

..."T."

Why are you
afraid of puppets?

I don't know.
They creep me out.

Why is anyone
afraid of anything?

Why are people
afraid of snakes?

They're venomous,

they can constrict
and crush your windpipe,

they make a rattle sound
to lull you into thinking

you're in the presence
of a cute little baby...

[Rattling sound]

Or Geneva.

So I'm afraid of puppets!
They're my one weakness!

Afraid of puppets, huh?

Finally something I can use
to get back at that kid

for stealing my company.

[Rattling sound]

Was that a rattle?

[Gasps]

Is there a cute little baby
hiding

under that pile of old wood
in the corner?

[Rattles]

[Hissing]

Aah!

What was that?

Did someone see a puppet?

Jarvis, you own a toy company.
You can't be afraid of puppets.

This Tickle Town thing
is a great opportunity.

Yeah, to be attacked
and killed by a puppet.

We're going to help you
overcome your fear

by getting you used
to puppets.

What?

Don't worry.

We'll start very gently
with something cute and fuzzy.

Bwaah!

Aah!
Get it away! Get it away!

It's okay.
It's okay.

Let's start with something
even more gentle.

Here. How's this?

[Gasps]

It's... so... evil!

But it's not hurting you,
is it?

I guess not.

Good. Now,
let's move on to...

Bwaah!

Not yet.

See? Sock Piper
won't hurt you.

She'd never hurt you.

She wouldn't?

No.

There.

Isn't that nice?

Just you and the puppet...
getting to know each other...

falling in love.

Are you sure this is helping?

It's helping me.

Come on, Jarvis.

All you have to do is meet
with Toby Templeton

and tell him
you love Tickle Town.

Yeah, we'll do the rest.
You never have to see a puppet.

All you have to do
is cash the cheques.

Will the bank teller
be a puppet?

-No.
-Maybe.

Okay, Geneva's agent sent me
all the commercials she's done.

And I think I've found it.

[Announcer]: It's summertime,

so remember to protect
your soft, beautiful skin

when you're frolicking
in that tiny little bikini.

[Geneva giggles]

Here it comes.

[Announcer]:
Sandy Beach Sunscreen.

Baby your skin.

I can see why she's not proud.

I mean, she fell down.

[♪♪♪]

I don't want to meet him!

He's a very nice man.
Just meet him!

But he's a puppet lover!

Hi. You must be Jarvis.

Is that...

your... puppet hand?

It is.

Don't worry.

A lot of people get flustered

knowing they're going to shake
the hand

that brings
Ricky van Felt to life.

[Squeaks in terror]

I love Tickle Town!

Can I go now?

You do?
That's great!

Do you love the puppets?

The puppets?

Yes. I love the puppets.

Puppets are my favourite.

Who doesn't love puppets?

Can I please stop
saying "puppets" now?

In that case,
let me introduce you

to a couple of friends
I brought along.

I don't suppose one of them
is a psychiatrist.

Better.

It's your old friend...

Ricky van Felt.

[Squeaky]: Hey, there, Jarvis!

I hear you're a huge fan!

[Gruff]: I wish
we had a huge fan.

It's too hot in here!

Roscoe the Grump,
you're so grumpy!

You don't have any
more hands, do you?

[Chuckles]

Of course not!

Aah!

[High pitched, snooty]
What's his problem?

I'm the one
with this guy's loafer

in a very uncomfortable place.

[♪♪♪]

Jarvis, what is wrong with you?

You just saw three puppets,
and they didn't try to hurt you.

[Geneva]: Yeah.

There's no such thing
as an evil puppet.

[Creaking]

Aah!

What?
What is it?

Puppet!
Puppet!

[Panting]

There's nothing there.

That's just Mrs. Bubkes.

Hello!

Nice place
they got here.

It is bright and colourful.

So's clown vomit,

but I wouldn't want
to sit in it!

Aah!

Where did he go?

Oh...

Uh... he... uh...

Had a coupon
for oyster crackers

that was about to expire.

I'm sorry.

I don't suppose
we could reschedule?

Sure.
I can come back tomorrow.

Great!

And don't worry.

Tell Jarvis I'll bring
the puppets he loves.

Great...

Yay!

We're coming back.

Sounds fun.

Guess
I'm rescheduling my haircut.

Again.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I could've sworn
I saw that puppet.

Maybe I just need
something to eat.

[Threatening voice]
Want me to slice that for you?

[Hyperventilating]

Aah!

Piper! Piper!

What? What?

You're too late!
It's gone now.

What is?

The puppet.

There's a puppet
trying to kill me.

Jarvis, I think
you have a problem.

Yeah, a puppet
is trying to kill me!

Mrs. Bubkes?

Have you seen a puppet?

Oh!

[Speaks Meeskatanian]

...Death stare?

Yes! Yes!

No. Haven't seen.

Knox! Check it out!

I downloaded an aging app.

I don't think it's working.
You still look eleven.

It ages photographs,

simulating what a person will
look like in years to come.

[Camera shutter clicks]

[App beeps]

Wow!

How long have I been
wearing that shirt?

I figured we
could use this

on Geneva's sunscreen
commercial.

We can age her up and see what
she looks like in a bikini now!

You're, like, an evil genius!

Minus the genius part.

Will that even work?

It should. It
works on any image.

[Mmm-boing bounces closer]

[Camera shutter clicks]

I'm not crazy!

There's a puppet that's
trying to kill me!

It just doesn't come out
when you're around.

Fine. Then we'll leave.

No!

No!
Don't leave! Don't leave!

[Elevator dings,
doors open]

[Laughs evilly]

[Elevator dings]

I don't understand.

You said we were leaving.

I should be out with friends
right now.

And you should be
home by yourself.

We're not
really leaving.

I hid a camera in the lobby.

That way,

we'll be able to play back
the footage for Jarvis

and prove to him
this "evil puppet"

is a figment
of his imagination.

It's actually pretty
common for people

to imagine physical
manifestations of their fear.

In fact, in Sigmund Freud's
famous study of equinophobia...

Geneva, are you even
listening to me?

Sorry.
I got distracted.

Tickle Town is on.

Boy, this is a weird episode.

Jarvis wasn't imagining it!

The puppet's
going to kill him!

Well,
thanks for spoiling the ending.

Jarvis!

The puppet...

I had to fight back.

So much felt...

What happened?

It was trying
to kill me.

So I grabbed a bat
and beat the stuffing out of it.

Ohhh...

Wow!

I totally get now
why you're afraid of puppets.

Oh, I'm not afraid
of puppets anymore.

Puppets...

should be afraid of me!

We're sorry
for doubting you...

though it was mostly Geneva.

Who could have done this?

I don't know,

but it's nice to know my
friends came to help me.

Especially you, Mrs. Bubkes.

[Screams in pain]

Your hand
is all covered in felt.

You're already
tackling the mess!

You just can't stop
cleaning, can you?

Aw...

[Screams in pain]

[Laughs nervously]

Okay, the aging software

should have finished processing
Geneva's commercial by now.

How many years
did you age her bikini bod?

I don't know.

It didn't give me
an option.

[Hits key]

[Sound of waves, seagulls]

[Announcer]: It's summertime,

so remember to protect
your soft, beautiful skin

when you're frolicking
in that tiny little bikini.

[Geneva giggles]

Here it comes.

[Announcer]:
Sandy Beach Sunscreen.

Baby your skin.

Ugh!

So many wrinkles.

Geneva did not baby her skin.

Oh, yeah.

Mission accomplished.

Mr. Templeton!

Thank you for coming.

We're very excited
to close this deal

and manufacture
Tickle Town puppets...

millions of fun,
harmless puppets.

Actually, I brought a friend
with a special message for you.

The deal's off, dirt bag!

He handles the
tough conversations.

I don't like conflict.

What? Why's the deal off?

Because we saw
your video online.

Show him, big guy.

We're not interested
in working with a puppet hater.

But...

Talk to the hand.

[Snarls]

I don't understand.

How did that video
get on the Internet?

I put it up!

What? Why?

We found a lost episode
of Tickle Town.

Sure, it was a weird one,

but I wanted to share it
with all the other fans.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, everyone!

It's your old friend,
Ricky van Felt!

Today I'm going
to take a bus

to the Tickle Town...

Yarn it!

Why didn't the bus stop for me?

Maybe the bus driver
suffers from puppephobia.

Puppe-what-ia?

Puppephobia.
The fear of puppets.

It affects one
in 7,000 people.

Maybe you suffer
from puppephobia.

The important thing
to remember is,

puppets are just like you.

No, they're not.

Am I forgiven
for that video yet?

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The P stands for

"Puppets are nothing
to be afraid of."

[♪♪♪]