Some Assembly Required (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 13 - Flycycle - full transcript

♪ Here we go ♪

Bowie, it's nice
to see you're exercising,

trying to improve
your muscle mass...

or get some muscle mass.

I don't exercise at work.
Or at home.

I go to the gym...

where I also don't exercise.

They just have
a better cable package there.

Then why are you
on a stationary bike?

'Cause I've invented a way
to turn a stationary bike

into a non-stationary
stationary bike.



Finally, a bicycle
that moves!

Exactly!

Bowie, every kid
already has a bike.

It's the most popular toy
in history!

I thought that was
the oven mitt.

Anyway, if you want to improve
on the bicycle,

it has to be
a spectacular innovation.

Like... a flying bike!

A flying bike?
That sounds incredible!

An idea like that makes me want
to run up the stairs

and shout it from the rooftops.

But, as we established,
I do not exercise.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Buckle up ♪



♪ And hold on tight ♪

♪ You and me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ We're gonna own it
and change the game ♪

♪ Together we'll make it
all the way ♪

♪ Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs ♪

♪ We'll always find our way
around ♪

♪ So here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

Hey, Piper.
I need your help.

Geneva called in well today.

"Called in well?"
What does that mean?

It means she called
to say she's not sick

but is taking
the day off anyway.

Can you fill in for her?

Do the things
she normally does?

I think I can handle that.

"I have to sit here
and look pretty

while flipping
through a magazine?

My job is soooo diffi..."

Ow! Paper cut!

[Speaks other language]

Mr. Gournisht.

[Yells in other language]

Uh...
I'm just filling in.

I will assume
you are unfamiliar

with Meeskatanian traditions

and did not intend
to challenge me

to a goat-calling contest...

because as you may
or may not know,

I am the Meeskatanian
champion.

[Bleating]
Mmmmeeeeeeehhhhhhhh!

Is there something
I can help you with?

Other than offering you
a mint?

I am here to see
the delicate, beautiful flower

who works here.

Oh. She's out well today.

Mrs. Bubkes is not here?

Mrs. Bubkes?

So what, now I come in third?

I'll get her for you.

[Dials]

[Mrs. Bubkes, over phone]:
Allo?

Mrs. Bubkes? Can you
come down to reception?

[Speaks other language]
busy working.

But there's some Meeskatanian
guy here to see you.

[Babbles excitedly]
Gournisht?

Yeah.
That sounds about right.

She's coming.

There you are!
What took you so long?

She's here already?

I just got off the phone
with her.

Not Mrs. Bubkes.

[Bleats]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Jarvis!

You know how you always say

there's a first time
for everything?

I don't think
I've ever said that.

I've just done something

that's going to make you
so glad you hired me.

Well, there's a first time
for everything.

I put an ad for the new bike
on Knickknack's website,

and we're getting
tons of orders.

For the non-stationary
stationary bike?

No! That was
a terrible idea.

For the flying bike
you invented.

I didn't invent a flying bike!

There's no such thing
as a flying bike.

That was an example.

Well, that was
a really good example,

because 150,000 people
have already ordered it.

Now I have to cancel
all those orders

and disappoint all those kids.

Way to go, Bowie.

Wait!

You shouldn't have
to do anything.

I created this problem,
I will fix it.

Well, there's a first
time for everything.

Huh.

I guess I do
say that a lot.

[Breathes nervously]

I wonder what's taking
Mrs. Bubkes so long.

Surely a woman
that beautiful

isn't spending time
putting on makeup.

You're very...

eager to see her, huh?

Oh, yes.

I'm here to request
that she...

do something
special with me.

[Elevator dings]

[Giggles]

[Cackles]

Hello.

[Speaks own language]
Bubkes!

Mrs. Bubkes...

[Speaks passionately]

Yes! Yes!

Wow.

You want Mrs. Bubkes
to do all that?

Yes!

Why else would I have
asked her to join the army?

What?

Meeskatania is at war
with our neighbour, Zeeskatania,

which is why I've asked
Mrs. Bubkes

to gather her things,
kiss her old life goodbye,

grab her weapon,

and sneak through the bushes
of the Meeskatanian countryside,

hoping to be
one of the few survivors

who receives a medal of bravery
from our one-legged king.

Wow.

It's a good thing Mrs. Bubkes
speaks Meeskatanian...

because a war?

You'd really want to know
what you were agreeing to.

Knox, I need your help
testing a new product.

Behold my flying bicycle,
the Flycycle!

Whoa!

Bowie, you look so small
from here.

You're not flying yet.
But you will.

I've done the math.

You study this. I'll
go release the balloons.

It's working!
The bike's flying!

Knox! You're supposed
to be on the bike!

It's going to float away!

Don't worry.
Those black ropes will stop it.

Those are power lines!

[Electric hum, explosions]

Aah!

Anyone else smell
burning Bowie?

You want Mrs. Bubkes to go
back to Meeskatania

and fight in some war?

It is not whether
I want her to.

It is Meeskatanian law.

But she's an old woman.

Aren't there able-bodied
men who can fight?

Well, I applaud
Meeskatania.

I think it's great that women
get an equal chance

to die horribly
for their country.

Die?

In all likelihood.

The Zeeskites have us
outnumbered, outgunned,

and outsmarted.

But we have them
in the looks department.

I hope you don't mind,
but we will have to stay here

until military transport
picks us up

to take us to this bloody,
brutal, unwinnable war.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Time for them to find out
the truth about Mrs. Bubkes.

I guess you can stay here,
but why?

Because Zeeskatanian spies
could be anywhere.

Of course, anyone found
pretending to be a Meeskite

would be punished by having
their neck snapped.

[Squeaks]

Thankfully, there are
no fake Meeskatanians here.

Just me and Mrs. Bubkes.

Bubkes Meeskatanian!

[Chuckles]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I can't believe
you want to go off to war.

I thought you loved
your job here.

Yeah, but the chance to be
bombarded with grenades

in a cold, muddy trench
halfway around the world?

It's a feminist dream!

[Sobbing]

It makes me
emotional too.

I'm not sure
Mrs. Bubkes wants to go.

Bubkes stay here.

Oh, I see.

Mrs. Bubkes
doesn't want to leave

because she loves us so much.

Yeah, seeing a bunch of kids
run this toy company

must bring her so much joy.

Right, Mrs. Bubkes?

Sure.

Don't worry.
We're going to help you.

We'll distract Mr. Gournisht
so you can sneak away.

Oh!

Uh, Mr. Gournisht!

I never got
my chance to beat you

in that goat-calling
competition.

[Snickers]

Okay, you go.

[Bleating]
Mmmmmeeeeehhhhh!

Look over there.

The goat's going to come
from that way.

Okay, now's
your chance. Go!

But there is no door this way.
How could a goat come?

Uh...

[Roller coaster rumbles]

[Bleats]

Wow. You are good.

Mrs. Bubkes!

It's not what you think.

No, I see what she is doing.

She is training

because she is so eager
to fight for Meeskatania!

We should all follow
her example!

[Grunts]

All right, this will work

because Bowie Sherman
does not fail...

to forget every time he fails.

How did I get these bandages?

Anyway, Knox, you ready?

Sure.

But why did you make me
dress like this?

Trust me.
I've done the math.

These crows will power
this flying bicycle.

But as everyone knows,

birds don't naturally fly
on their own.

They need to be scared.
And what scares crows?

Going to the dentist!

Just get
on the bike!

[Crows caw]

Okay, Knox.
Scare the crows.

Hey, crows!

Let me teach you
proper flossing technique!

That won't work.

You've got to scare them
like this.

[Screams]

[Loud splat]

[Crows caw]

I guess flying
isn't the only thing crows do

when they're scared.

[♪♪♪]

Mr. Gournisht?

Can we talk to you
for a minute?

Of course!

Isn't there any way
Mrs. Bubkes can avoid

going back to Meeskatania
and joining the army?

Doesn't she want
to fight for her country

in this bloody, brutal,
unwinnable war?

Well, actually...

Because you may not be aware,
but deserters get...

Let me guess.
A neck snapping?

I was going to say
"a discharge hearing."

[Sighs in relief]

Which always ends
in a neck snapping.

Oh...

She wants to go.
We don't want her to go.

I'm sorry.

There are only two ways

Meeskatanians can get out
of military service.

One, they are a mother
with children to care for,

or two, they suffer
from an injury...

specifically, a snapped neck.

[Bubkes gasps]

[Yells as coaster slams]

Wait.

If Mrs. Bubkes had children,
she wouldn't have to go to war?

Of course.

Raising children is a woman's
most important function.

Really mixed messages,
Meeskatania!

[Bubkes yells, muffled]

Well, good news.

Mrs. Bubkes has kids.

[Yells happily
in own language]

[♪♪♪]

So, can I see the math
for this one?

Oh, there's no math.

It's two
highly combustible rockets

stuck to a bicycle
with bubble gum.

You don't need
math for that.

You're the man in charge.
Fire her up.

Oh no!

The rockets flew off the bike!

[Loud whooshing]

I see where this
is heading.

Right for me.

No matter what happens,
it always backfires on me.

Come get me, rockets.

[Whooshing]

[Fizzling]

[Loud explosion]

[Fire crackles]

You're wrong!
They didn't hit you.

They hit that building
down there.

The gym.

That's my gym!

Are you here to refund
my gym membership

given the place is closed?

Whoa!

[Groaning]

Whoa...

Could you do that again?

But only this time while
he's sitting on a bike?

[Speaks other language]
Meeskatanian children!

[Speaks] boy!

and, uh... girl?

[Speaks animatedly
in other language] Meeskatania?

Uh...

Why aren't you answering me?

Uh...

Don't you speak
any Meeskatanian?

[Thick accent] A little.

Very little.

So little.

I should learn the word
for "little."

What part of Meeskatania
are you from?

Uh...

The nice part?

There is no nice part!

You don't speak the language.

You know nothing
about Meeskatania.

I see what's going on here.

[Gasping]

You have spent too much time
outside of the motherland!

Poor, sweet
Meeskatanian children.

[They grunt]

Well, you did it.

You finally invented
a flying bicycle!

That wasn't so hard.

Feels great.

[Elevator dings]

I can't wait to show
Jarvis the Flycycle!

Where is Jarvis?

There he is.
Hey, Jarvis!

Uh...

Jarvis not here.
He busy.

Piper busy too.

So do not ask for her.

But you're right...

Yes, I am right.
Jarvis not here.

Just tell me what
you want say him,

and I give message.

I did it!

I turned a regular kid's bike
into a flying bicycle!

[Normal voice] You did?

I mean...

[With accent]: You did?

Yeah!

All I had to do was make
the bike lighter.

So I removed the handlebars,
the gears, the pedals,

the chain, the frame, the seat,
the brakes, the bell,

and the rear wheel.

Presenting the Flycycle!

And it flies?

If you throw it.

So you invented
a frisbee?

Nope. A flying bicycle!

Knox, give them
a demonstration.

Sure thing.

Catch!

Ow!

Did you see
that bicycle fly?

The man's a visionary!

[♪♪♪]

I do not understand where
your mother could have gone.

I hope
one of those Zeeskatanian spies

didn't get her.

You haven't seen anyone around

who looks like a
fake Meeskatanian?

Uh-uh.

If you're looking
for Mrs. Bubkes, forget it.

I ran into her down the street,

and she told me
she's not joining the army.

In fact, she's leaving
and never coming back.

She also asked that
her last paycheque

be forwarded to me.

She is gone?

Yep. For good.

We've all definitely seen
the last of Mrs. Bubkes.

Anyway, before
you leave alone,

maybe we could, uh...

hug, kiss, dance,

do impressions

of the one-legged
Meeskatanian king.

Oh, I am not leaving alone.

Mrs. Bubkes may have abandoned
these poor children,

but Meeskites take care
of their own.

We're fine.

No!

You will be well cared
for back in Meeskatania...

until you're eighteen.

Then you belong to the army.

What?

Oh, don't worry, children,

I will bring some of these
toys for you to play with.

[Mmm-boing bounces closer]

[Bounces]

Jarvis? Piper?
What are you doing?

We were trying
to help Mrs. Bubkes.

We didn't want her
to have to go to war.

You risked a neck snapping
for Mrs. Bubkes?

Why?

Because during the time
she's been here,

we've grown to love her.

We'd do
anything for her.

And we know
she'd do anything for us.

But I guess we're never going
to see her again.

Nope.

Anyway, safe travels!

Mr. Gournisht!

These kids are ready
to ship out!

[♪♪♪]

I can't believe
we still haven't heard back

from Jarvis and Piper.

And I can't believe
who our new boss is.

[Goat bleats]

That goat
better not be in my chair.

Candace, it's not right
that you took over the company.

Hey, when these things happen,

someone has to fill
the power vacuum.

You.

With dust...

because
you're my new cleaning crew.

[Elevator door opens]

Not so fast.

What?

But you were sent
to Meeskatania!

War-torn Meeskatania!

You should be war-torn!
To pieces!

The war's over.

There's peace between the
Meeskites and the Zeeskites.

And all because of this.

We found this in our bag

before we got on the boat
to Meeskatania.

Some other Meeskite children
who were waiting at the dock

started to play with it.

And then some Zeeskite
children joined in!

The children played together
for hours...

with very few neck snappings.

Soon the two sides realized

that if their kids
could get along,

maybe they could too.

Apparently,
the Flycycle

brought peace
to the entire region.

Plus we have
thousands of orders.

Way to go, Bowie.

Thanks!

Although... now I have to buy
thousands of bikes

and remove the handlebars,
the gears, the pedals,

the chains, the frames,
the seats, the brakes,

the bells,
and the rear wheels.

Oh, and Candace?

I'm gonna take
my company back.

[Sighs] Fine.

And now that
the war is over,

Mrs. Bubkes
can come back!

Yeah. I guess
she'll have to.

Hopefully soon...

because there are goat
droppings everywhere!

[Goat bleats]

[♪♪♪]

[Announcer speaking
other language]... no rocks?

[Speaking other language]
...bored?

[Speaking other language]
Hello, Flycycle!

[Both gasp]

[Speaking other language]
flying bicycle!

I'm P. Everett Knickknack.

The P stands for "peace."

[Goat bleats]

[♪♪♪]