Solar Opposites (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Rays That Turn People Into Various Things - full transcript
The Solars live in an award-winning town.
- Is that a fucking mosquito?
- Run!
Ugh! It fucking slimed me!
- I'm not a goddamn runner!
I have flat feet and a super-long torso!
- Aah!
- What the shit!
- My skin is burning!
What the hell?
- You got skeeter saliva on you.
Scrub it, or you'll itch for a week.
Come with me if you want to larva.
You know, 'cause baby mosquitoes
are larva and the movie--
Uh, whatever, just let's go
so you don't die.
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is-- this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
Why do you let Tom Cruise do
all his own stunts?
The man's going to get himself killed.
Please, Mr. Cruise,
if you're within the sound of my voice,
scale it back.
You're the greatest entertainer
the world has ever known.
And I'm sure your beliefs
are reasonable too.
I haven't looked into it.
- Ah.
- Mm.
The winner of the house
smoothie challenge is... Terry.
- What?
- Yes, biatches! I only used vodka!
- In what world does my
Hot Meatloaf Smoothie not win?
Taste it again.
That's real-ass butter, son.
- Eat meatloaf, monster!
Please stop!
- Jesse! What the hell happened
to our Emily in Paris body suit?
- Guys, I was undercover in the human suit
when I overheard huge news.
- There's a Ray Donovan cast reunion?
- No.
- Then what the fuck, Jesse?
- There I was,
doing hard investigative journalism
on why humans like hummus
and then suddenly--
Snore. Skip to the end!
I heard that our town
might be listed by Parade Magazine
as one of the Ten Nicest Places to Live!
And the judges are coming this week!
Don't care.
This is a horrible use of a flashback.
- And our family was not invited
to the giant town photo.
- What...
- The...
- Hell!
- We weren't invited to something?
Now I fucking care.
- Hold up, everyone hold your butts.
You sure they're talking
about The Solars?
Or was it The Kohlers,
those kitchen sink CEOs down the block?
'Cause last time I checked,
this town straight-up loves us.
We totally settled this
with Nanobot Man, 'member?
The whole people liking us stuff?
- And I'm basically
the moral center of this town.
That's why I gave the mayor my Yum-signal
in case they ever need
my vigilante services.
- Yumyulack,
you're the moral center of dick.
And, Jesse, your sources suck.
Why are we fucking paying
for that journalism MBA
from Grand Canyon University?
- It's true!
People are afraid of us
'cause we're always zapping them
into random things.
- "Zapping"? Please.
I don't zap. Name one time.
- When you turned people who love
dinner parties into bottles of wine.
- Look at how tight my calves were.
- And remember Terry turning
Red Goobler's fiancée into a rat?
- Who is framing these?
- That was a couple of losers
who deserved it.
But this idea that the entire town
is scared of us is batshit.
Watch, I-I-I'll prove it to you.
- See? The mailman is delivering our mail
like he does for everybody.
From a safe distance,
with an LA Sparks-branded T-shirt cannon.
What up, Franklin!
- Please don't turn me into horsey sauce
like you did to Doug,
who used to have this route!
- Well, maybe Doug shouldn't have
crinkled my magazines!
- Hang on. I'm sensing a pattern.
That group of tough guys
wearing Judas Priest shirts
crossed the street only after they saw us.
And is this why planes never fly
over our house?
Harrison Ford has crashed into every yard
on this street except ours.
- And did you guys ever notice how
the Pupa only has "away-game" playdates?
- Wait a fucking minute.
Is that DoorDash guy delivering food
straight to Kevin's door?
I thought the "Dash" was on us!
- I always have to pick it up
from DoorDash HQ in San Francisco.
The ramen turns into a cold brick
by the time I get home.
- Fam, we gotta fix this.
I want that hot Dash!
- Jesse, you're always
annoyingly preachy about kindness.
Teach us how not to be jerks.
- First lesson: say please.
- No, I'm the goddamn boss.
Put a dime in
the "Know Your Place" jar, you snizz.
- Oh, this ain't gonna be easy.
- Hey, isn't this where we had
our Shlorpian sexual harassment training?
Who was the hot guy who ran it?
Real strong shoulders,
like cum gutters on the roof,
know what I'm sayin'?
- Listen up, maggots!
I only have 23 hours
to teach you some empathy
before Parade Magazine judges this town!
This is a paintball gun
that represents our sci-fi rays.
Repeat after me. I will not use this--
- I need more paintballs, woman!
Please.
- Okay, Korvo. You're at a car shop.
And this mechanic's gonna tell you
what's wrong with your car.
- This piece of cardboard shit thinks
he knows more than me?
We're just gonna listen to him.
- You see, when the warning light goes on,
that means there's a problem.
- I know what
a warning light is, cocksnot!
Ah-ah-ah. Patience.
Remember, he's just trying to help.
This here's yer spark plug.
Ya want me to write
those words down for ya?
- Bitch!
Hear him out.
- That'll be $300.
- Okay. Terry, you're in an Uber pool.
- Wow, how frugal of me.
I'm growing already!
All you need to do is
make it across the room.
- Okay, I see what's happening.
These Red Sox fans are gonna
yammer on about Beantown,
and you think I'm gonna turn them
into chowda or some shit.
But joke's on you, kid,
because I love Boston.
That's why I got a We Bought a Zoo
Matt Damon tattoo inside my lip!
So start her up, Jesse. Gimme your worst!
Did you hear what happened at the end
of Fast and Furious 10:
10 Fast, 10 Furious?
- Ahh. No spoilers! Stop the car!
Stay calm and use your words.
- I heard Vinnie Diesel
steals the Space Shuttle.
- Remove your mouths from your faces!
- I couldn't believe they killed--
- I will burn every last Dunkin Donuts
in this hemisphere,
you Guinness-blooded dem-apple havers!
Okay, we're gonna
make this real simple.
Just order from the menu.
- I'd like a grilled cheese... please.
That's the ticket!
- Would you like mozzarella,
American, provolone--
- Why would you do that?
- Come on! Cheddar wasn't even
in their top three!
Jesus. This was the prison level.
You can still see the tally marks
on the walls.
Oh god, this guy only made it one day.
That's depressing.
- Well, prisons in the time
of The Duke, yeah.
But now, it's home.
Come on! You must be starving.
- What the hell are we doing?
Do I need to remind you
that the last people we followed
ate Joe Sanders?
- Dude. That's the Janitor. He was one
of the first people in the Wall.
- So?
- So, he must know
how to stop the mosquitoes.
- We did what we came to do.
The power is on. Let's go home.
- And put my baby to sleep every night
knowing that at any second
a dumpster Dracula could suck her dry?
Fuck that. Who knows how many there are?
- Well, there's about ten
by your feet right now.
- How do we kill them all?
- You can't. I'll show you why.
- Hell no. Absolutely not.
No goddamn respect.
No one listens, fucking bugs spittin'
on me and shit--
- So... How'd we do?
- You all failed miserably!
- Uh, recount much?
- Not one of you thought
about another person's feelings!
The Parade Magazine judges
will be here in a few hours!
- Whatever. Who cares
if we're not invited.
I say we photobomb these losers.
- Hard agree.
What if we turn everyone who was shitting
on us into actual Polaroids?
I can whip up a ray gun that will--
- Brill, Korvo.
- You leave me no choice.
I invoke Taro Nedgerton!
- You're banishing us?
- A Shlorpian can only invoke
Taro Nedgerton once in a lifetime.
You can't just willy-nilly invoke
Taro Nedgerton.
- We did it the first day we landed
and now we can't invoke shite.
- I invoke!
Don't do this, Jesse! Please!
Banished Shlorpians must remain
in the brainwashing room
for a full solar cycle.
- A year?
Or until you assholes learn empathy.
- A year?
Commencing
sympathy re-education in three, two--
Why is a puppy friends with an otter?
They don't share a habitat!
The rainbows! They burn my eyes!
- Now everyone in town
can be who they want
without sci-fi messing up their life.
Okay, I think it's over--
Oh no. Babies discovering bubbles!
- Oh god no.
Marlo! Marlo, get back here!
Not the aliens' house.
Anywhere but the aliens' house!
Shit, shit, shit. Oh god, oh god, oh god.
- Hi there, neighbs!
- Oh god, I'm sorry! The leash slipped.
Please don't tell Korvo. Oh god.
- You don't have to worry
about my family anymore.
They're all hella locked up.
Have a fun day!
- Hey! Remember those dicks who turned me
into a gummy bear last year?
- It was technically a Swedish Fish.
I tried to bone you in the gummy butt.
It was the second craziest 9-11
of my life.
- Well, they're all locked up!
We can be jerks again!
Jeeerks!
- Jeeerks!
Jeeerks!
- Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Jerks!
- Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jeeerks!
- Now generally, I'm a dark meat guy.
But when it comes to skeetos,
you want that sweet yellow meat.
- So you're kinda like Quint
from Jaws, but for bugs?
- Hey, that's what I'm going for.
I got bored making diaphragms
out of the lambskin scraps
Yumyulack gives us.
So now I come down
to the lower levels, catch a bug,
go back up, sell its meat
at the meat market.
All this time, you thought
you were eating turkey jerky.
But no, that is grade-A mosquito.
- Mm. This is good.
- Gotta use all parts of the skee-buffalo.
Steaks from the thorax.
Netting from the wings.
Check this out: Would you believe this hat
used to be a mosquito's head?
You can't fight nature.
You gotta learn to live with it.
- I really think the point of all humanity
is that you don't.
- Take it from a First Gen Wallian.
I've seen it all.
We went from gum boys to the Tim era.
Now we're blessed with mosquito protein.
These disgusting monsters are our future.
This is how we rid ourselves
of our reliance on the aliens' candy.
- Mm, this tastes just like
a freshly microwaved Bob Evans!
- We gotta convince Parliament
to protect these bugs.
It's the only way the Wall can be
in harmony with itself.
- Mm.
Goddammit. Yeah, this is delicious.
- Ugh. We've had a good run, Maddie.
But this town no longer needs
its Civic Responsibility Manager.
I can't believe
my life's work was to create
the world's first Jerk Monitoring System,
and now I'll never get to use it.
But now that we're up
for Top Ten Nicest Places to Live,
there are no more jerks to be monitored.
- Do you want me to unplug it?
- Please. I can't bear it.
Wait!
The jerks, the jerks are filling up
the streets!
No, no, they aren't hiding anymore.
The jerks are on the move!
Get me the mayor!
If we don't act now, here's how many jerks
we'll be at in ten minutes.
Twenty minutes.
And in an hour's time,
we'll have completely lost our city.
Oh god. We might be too late.
Kid Rock just announced he's bringing
his Make America Squirt Again festival
to our town!
- Well, I know what I need to do.
I'm gonna sleep with my mistress
in my own bed!
Jeeerks!
Wow.
All this time, the mayor was a jerk.
That's a political first.
It's up to us now, Maddie.
- Nope. It's up to you now!
You're fat. Byeee!
- The town is full of jerks,
and Parade Magazine is coming today.
We have to do something before they--
Oh no.
Oh god, no!
- Hey. Bones writer.
- Man, how long was I asleep?
Those skeeto poppers
really knocked me out.
- Whoa. What the hell?
- Your partner's lost
her cool-haircut head. Untie me.
- Hey, psycho, what's with the hostage?
- The Janitor needed to be taken
out of the equation, he'll be fine.
- We were his guests! What equation?
- E equals kill every mosquito.
- What? We can feed the whole Wall.
- Anything that can hurt Pezlie
needs to be destroyed.
- Jesus, Cherie, how many
more people have to die
because you have to nuke every threat?
- Well, maybe you could start helping
with some threats.
I thought you were a hero.
- I've never wanted to be a hero!
That's it. I'm done. I'm going home.
- You can't quit! We're partners!
- My wife is my partner.
I never should have left her behind.
- Fine! Fuck it!
Go!
- Don't you get it?
There's always gonna be another battle.
It'll never end!
- Then I'll keep fighting!
- What's the point
of fighting for your family
if you never get to be with your family?
Go home, Cherie. Before you make
that baby an orphan.
- So this is where we are, huh?
You're just like Tim. And The Duke.
- You don't know shit about Ringo.
- We've been given a blessing!
But you're too busy "leading" to see it.
Liars, always holding on to power
with your stupid lies.
- No, I got rid of all the liars.
- If you think that, then you don't know
who's lying to you.
- Oh, shut up.
Mm. Ugh, this would be so much easier
if this wasn't so delicious.
- Okay, Pupa.
Let's go get in that town photo.
Now that the three biggest town jerks
are locked in our ship,
we can be free to--
Eww!
- Listen to this dream I had last night.
It's super long,
and you're totally not in it.
- What's happening?
There's a lot of people around
in summer scarves!
- Those aliens who turned us
into iguanas last year are gone!
- We totally deserved it, too.
But now, the jerks are back, baybee!
- Oh no, I was wrong!
Korvo, Terry, and Yum weren't the problem,
they were the solution!
- Ahh! I tried arson, but it backfired!
Oh god! Ahh!
- Hey! Emily in Paris!
This is how it will look in five minutes.
In ten minutes.
- I don't have time for this!
Goddammit.
That's the silhouette he chose?
- I get it now. I fucking love empathy!
- Yes, we've seen soldiers surprising
their kids at the airport,
and we double-watched Scrooged.
It expanded every heart I have!
Hold up. Got a message for Yum.
- Oh my god, the town finally needs
its moral center!
- Aisha, release us!
I don't think you're ready.
- Fam, I was wrong!
Jerks have totally taken over,
and only you assholes can save this town!
- Come on, Ai-eesh, we need to get out!
- Come on, sister girl,
we're running out of time!
Jesus, you fucking aliens
get into some stupid shit.
Okay, we can skip to the final test.
I ordered a pizza, all you gotta do
is talk to the delivery guy
and get your pizza. Okay?
- Wow, that's it?
- Easy. Not even hungry.
Also, he's two hours late.
- What? Where the fuck's my 'za?
- Come on, you guys can do this.
As of now, I believe in you!
- Ah! My Teen Titans collector vases!
- Ugh. Let's get this over with.
- Hello, pizza representative.
Uh yeah, I got a pizza
for Korn, Larry, and HackitySack.
- Call me by my Christian name!
- No, no, calm your tits, Yumyulack.
This can be done.
Thank you.
Cute. Now tip him.
- For not doing his job?
- Come on. We gotta get out of here.
The city needs me.
- Uh, does it go any lower
than ten percent?
No, ten is the bottom? Of course it is.
Okay, we did it, open the doors.
Give him five stars.
- What?
- Fuck off!
I can't. A perfect five-star rating
means something, dammit.
- Okay, if I've learned anything today,
it's that empathy isn't about doing
the correct thing.
It's about skipping what makes sense
to make someone else feel good.
Come on, what would Scrooged do?
- He would... think about
what other people want
and give them that
because he's actually Santa.
- Yes! Wait, what?
No, did you even watch the movie?
- No, I had my eyes closed the whole time,
but I remember the poster.
- Yeah!
- Alright!
- It's empathy time, motherfuckers.
Let's get decent!
- Oh my god, I did it.
All the jerks are gone!
Which means
I get to be the only jerk in town!
What a fuckin' reveal!
- Whoa, our town looks gorgeous!
- Yeah, we empathized the fuck
outta this place.
- In all my time as a Parade judge,
I have never seen nicer townfolk.
Surely the Top Ten will include
the gorgeous city of GeenaDavisville.
- Yeah!
Check it out,
I'm giving this fountain a golden shower!
Oh no, this is bad.
- Sorry.
Please continue.
- Oh my god.
Did you just turn that man into coins?
- Aw, I love our family pics.
Really makes this house a home.
- Ah yes, every time
I walk by this picture,
I'll remember what a total bag of shit
that guy was.
- Fudgeballs. After all that,
I can't believe we didn't get listed
in the Ten Nicest Places to Live.
We could've been on the cover!
- Nah, son! This cover is way better.
"Town's Moral Center
Saves Everyone's Ass."
Oooh! One-- no, two-- no,
three-- no, four!
Four recipes for creamy chowders?
Yeah, baby!
No. Ow. No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Halk! You came back.
- You know me.
Always the hero.
- There are way too many!
- The lighter!
We can use the fluid!
One... two...
- Good teamwork... partner.
- What was--
- The floor! Run!
- Run!
Ugh! It fucking slimed me!
- I'm not a goddamn runner!
I have flat feet and a super-long torso!
- Aah!
- What the shit!
- My skin is burning!
What the hell?
- You got skeeter saliva on you.
Scrub it, or you'll itch for a week.
Come with me if you want to larva.
You know, 'cause baby mosquitoes
are larva and the movie--
Uh, whatever, just let's go
so you don't die.
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is-- this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
Why do you let Tom Cruise do
all his own stunts?
The man's going to get himself killed.
Please, Mr. Cruise,
if you're within the sound of my voice,
scale it back.
You're the greatest entertainer
the world has ever known.
And I'm sure your beliefs
are reasonable too.
I haven't looked into it.
- Ah.
- Mm.
The winner of the house
smoothie challenge is... Terry.
- What?
- Yes, biatches! I only used vodka!
- In what world does my
Hot Meatloaf Smoothie not win?
Taste it again.
That's real-ass butter, son.
- Eat meatloaf, monster!
Please stop!
- Jesse! What the hell happened
to our Emily in Paris body suit?
- Guys, I was undercover in the human suit
when I overheard huge news.
- There's a Ray Donovan cast reunion?
- No.
- Then what the fuck, Jesse?
- There I was,
doing hard investigative journalism
on why humans like hummus
and then suddenly--
Snore. Skip to the end!
I heard that our town
might be listed by Parade Magazine
as one of the Ten Nicest Places to Live!
And the judges are coming this week!
Don't care.
This is a horrible use of a flashback.
- And our family was not invited
to the giant town photo.
- What...
- The...
- Hell!
- We weren't invited to something?
Now I fucking care.
- Hold up, everyone hold your butts.
You sure they're talking
about The Solars?
Or was it The Kohlers,
those kitchen sink CEOs down the block?
'Cause last time I checked,
this town straight-up loves us.
We totally settled this
with Nanobot Man, 'member?
The whole people liking us stuff?
- And I'm basically
the moral center of this town.
That's why I gave the mayor my Yum-signal
in case they ever need
my vigilante services.
- Yumyulack,
you're the moral center of dick.
And, Jesse, your sources suck.
Why are we fucking paying
for that journalism MBA
from Grand Canyon University?
- It's true!
People are afraid of us
'cause we're always zapping them
into random things.
- "Zapping"? Please.
I don't zap. Name one time.
- When you turned people who love
dinner parties into bottles of wine.
- Look at how tight my calves were.
- And remember Terry turning
Red Goobler's fiancée into a rat?
- Who is framing these?
- That was a couple of losers
who deserved it.
But this idea that the entire town
is scared of us is batshit.
Watch, I-I-I'll prove it to you.
- See? The mailman is delivering our mail
like he does for everybody.
From a safe distance,
with an LA Sparks-branded T-shirt cannon.
What up, Franklin!
- Please don't turn me into horsey sauce
like you did to Doug,
who used to have this route!
- Well, maybe Doug shouldn't have
crinkled my magazines!
- Hang on. I'm sensing a pattern.
That group of tough guys
wearing Judas Priest shirts
crossed the street only after they saw us.
And is this why planes never fly
over our house?
Harrison Ford has crashed into every yard
on this street except ours.
- And did you guys ever notice how
the Pupa only has "away-game" playdates?
- Wait a fucking minute.
Is that DoorDash guy delivering food
straight to Kevin's door?
I thought the "Dash" was on us!
- I always have to pick it up
from DoorDash HQ in San Francisco.
The ramen turns into a cold brick
by the time I get home.
- Fam, we gotta fix this.
I want that hot Dash!
- Jesse, you're always
annoyingly preachy about kindness.
Teach us how not to be jerks.
- First lesson: say please.
- No, I'm the goddamn boss.
Put a dime in
the "Know Your Place" jar, you snizz.
- Oh, this ain't gonna be easy.
- Hey, isn't this where we had
our Shlorpian sexual harassment training?
Who was the hot guy who ran it?
Real strong shoulders,
like cum gutters on the roof,
know what I'm sayin'?
- Listen up, maggots!
I only have 23 hours
to teach you some empathy
before Parade Magazine judges this town!
This is a paintball gun
that represents our sci-fi rays.
Repeat after me. I will not use this--
- I need more paintballs, woman!
Please.
- Okay, Korvo. You're at a car shop.
And this mechanic's gonna tell you
what's wrong with your car.
- This piece of cardboard shit thinks
he knows more than me?
We're just gonna listen to him.
- You see, when the warning light goes on,
that means there's a problem.
- I know what
a warning light is, cocksnot!
Ah-ah-ah. Patience.
Remember, he's just trying to help.
This here's yer spark plug.
Ya want me to write
those words down for ya?
- Bitch!
Hear him out.
- That'll be $300.
- Okay. Terry, you're in an Uber pool.
- Wow, how frugal of me.
I'm growing already!
All you need to do is
make it across the room.
- Okay, I see what's happening.
These Red Sox fans are gonna
yammer on about Beantown,
and you think I'm gonna turn them
into chowda or some shit.
But joke's on you, kid,
because I love Boston.
That's why I got a We Bought a Zoo
Matt Damon tattoo inside my lip!
So start her up, Jesse. Gimme your worst!
Did you hear what happened at the end
of Fast and Furious 10:
10 Fast, 10 Furious?
- Ahh. No spoilers! Stop the car!
Stay calm and use your words.
- I heard Vinnie Diesel
steals the Space Shuttle.
- Remove your mouths from your faces!
- I couldn't believe they killed--
- I will burn every last Dunkin Donuts
in this hemisphere,
you Guinness-blooded dem-apple havers!
Okay, we're gonna
make this real simple.
Just order from the menu.
- I'd like a grilled cheese... please.
That's the ticket!
- Would you like mozzarella,
American, provolone--
- Why would you do that?
- Come on! Cheddar wasn't even
in their top three!
Jesus. This was the prison level.
You can still see the tally marks
on the walls.
Oh god, this guy only made it one day.
That's depressing.
- Well, prisons in the time
of The Duke, yeah.
But now, it's home.
Come on! You must be starving.
- What the hell are we doing?
Do I need to remind you
that the last people we followed
ate Joe Sanders?
- Dude. That's the Janitor. He was one
of the first people in the Wall.
- So?
- So, he must know
how to stop the mosquitoes.
- We did what we came to do.
The power is on. Let's go home.
- And put my baby to sleep every night
knowing that at any second
a dumpster Dracula could suck her dry?
Fuck that. Who knows how many there are?
- Well, there's about ten
by your feet right now.
- How do we kill them all?
- You can't. I'll show you why.
- Hell no. Absolutely not.
No goddamn respect.
No one listens, fucking bugs spittin'
on me and shit--
- So... How'd we do?
- You all failed miserably!
- Uh, recount much?
- Not one of you thought
about another person's feelings!
The Parade Magazine judges
will be here in a few hours!
- Whatever. Who cares
if we're not invited.
I say we photobomb these losers.
- Hard agree.
What if we turn everyone who was shitting
on us into actual Polaroids?
I can whip up a ray gun that will--
- Brill, Korvo.
- You leave me no choice.
I invoke Taro Nedgerton!
- You're banishing us?
- A Shlorpian can only invoke
Taro Nedgerton once in a lifetime.
You can't just willy-nilly invoke
Taro Nedgerton.
- We did it the first day we landed
and now we can't invoke shite.
- I invoke!
Don't do this, Jesse! Please!
Banished Shlorpians must remain
in the brainwashing room
for a full solar cycle.
- A year?
Or until you assholes learn empathy.
- A year?
Commencing
sympathy re-education in three, two--
Why is a puppy friends with an otter?
They don't share a habitat!
The rainbows! They burn my eyes!
- Now everyone in town
can be who they want
without sci-fi messing up their life.
Okay, I think it's over--
Oh no. Babies discovering bubbles!
- Oh god no.
Marlo! Marlo, get back here!
Not the aliens' house.
Anywhere but the aliens' house!
Shit, shit, shit. Oh god, oh god, oh god.
- Hi there, neighbs!
- Oh god, I'm sorry! The leash slipped.
Please don't tell Korvo. Oh god.
- You don't have to worry
about my family anymore.
They're all hella locked up.
Have a fun day!
- Hey! Remember those dicks who turned me
into a gummy bear last year?
- It was technically a Swedish Fish.
I tried to bone you in the gummy butt.
It was the second craziest 9-11
of my life.
- Well, they're all locked up!
We can be jerks again!
Jeeerks!
- Jeeerks!
Jeeerks!
- Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Jerks!
- Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jeeerks!
- Now generally, I'm a dark meat guy.
But when it comes to skeetos,
you want that sweet yellow meat.
- So you're kinda like Quint
from Jaws, but for bugs?
- Hey, that's what I'm going for.
I got bored making diaphragms
out of the lambskin scraps
Yumyulack gives us.
So now I come down
to the lower levels, catch a bug,
go back up, sell its meat
at the meat market.
All this time, you thought
you were eating turkey jerky.
But no, that is grade-A mosquito.
- Mm. This is good.
- Gotta use all parts of the skee-buffalo.
Steaks from the thorax.
Netting from the wings.
Check this out: Would you believe this hat
used to be a mosquito's head?
You can't fight nature.
You gotta learn to live with it.
- I really think the point of all humanity
is that you don't.
- Take it from a First Gen Wallian.
I've seen it all.
We went from gum boys to the Tim era.
Now we're blessed with mosquito protein.
These disgusting monsters are our future.
This is how we rid ourselves
of our reliance on the aliens' candy.
- Mm, this tastes just like
a freshly microwaved Bob Evans!
- We gotta convince Parliament
to protect these bugs.
It's the only way the Wall can be
in harmony with itself.
- Mm.
Goddammit. Yeah, this is delicious.
- Ugh. We've had a good run, Maddie.
But this town no longer needs
its Civic Responsibility Manager.
I can't believe
my life's work was to create
the world's first Jerk Monitoring System,
and now I'll never get to use it.
But now that we're up
for Top Ten Nicest Places to Live,
there are no more jerks to be monitored.
- Do you want me to unplug it?
- Please. I can't bear it.
Wait!
The jerks, the jerks are filling up
the streets!
No, no, they aren't hiding anymore.
The jerks are on the move!
Get me the mayor!
If we don't act now, here's how many jerks
we'll be at in ten minutes.
Twenty minutes.
And in an hour's time,
we'll have completely lost our city.
Oh god. We might be too late.
Kid Rock just announced he's bringing
his Make America Squirt Again festival
to our town!
- Well, I know what I need to do.
I'm gonna sleep with my mistress
in my own bed!
Jeeerks!
Wow.
All this time, the mayor was a jerk.
That's a political first.
It's up to us now, Maddie.
- Nope. It's up to you now!
You're fat. Byeee!
- The town is full of jerks,
and Parade Magazine is coming today.
We have to do something before they--
Oh no.
Oh god, no!
- Hey. Bones writer.
- Man, how long was I asleep?
Those skeeto poppers
really knocked me out.
- Whoa. What the hell?
- Your partner's lost
her cool-haircut head. Untie me.
- Hey, psycho, what's with the hostage?
- The Janitor needed to be taken
out of the equation, he'll be fine.
- We were his guests! What equation?
- E equals kill every mosquito.
- What? We can feed the whole Wall.
- Anything that can hurt Pezlie
needs to be destroyed.
- Jesus, Cherie, how many
more people have to die
because you have to nuke every threat?
- Well, maybe you could start helping
with some threats.
I thought you were a hero.
- I've never wanted to be a hero!
That's it. I'm done. I'm going home.
- You can't quit! We're partners!
- My wife is my partner.
I never should have left her behind.
- Fine! Fuck it!
Go!
- Don't you get it?
There's always gonna be another battle.
It'll never end!
- Then I'll keep fighting!
- What's the point
of fighting for your family
if you never get to be with your family?
Go home, Cherie. Before you make
that baby an orphan.
- So this is where we are, huh?
You're just like Tim. And The Duke.
- You don't know shit about Ringo.
- We've been given a blessing!
But you're too busy "leading" to see it.
Liars, always holding on to power
with your stupid lies.
- No, I got rid of all the liars.
- If you think that, then you don't know
who's lying to you.
- Oh, shut up.
Mm. Ugh, this would be so much easier
if this wasn't so delicious.
- Okay, Pupa.
Let's go get in that town photo.
Now that the three biggest town jerks
are locked in our ship,
we can be free to--
Eww!
- Listen to this dream I had last night.
It's super long,
and you're totally not in it.
- What's happening?
There's a lot of people around
in summer scarves!
- Those aliens who turned us
into iguanas last year are gone!
- We totally deserved it, too.
But now, the jerks are back, baybee!
- Oh no, I was wrong!
Korvo, Terry, and Yum weren't the problem,
they were the solution!
- Ahh! I tried arson, but it backfired!
Oh god! Ahh!
- Hey! Emily in Paris!
This is how it will look in five minutes.
In ten minutes.
- I don't have time for this!
Goddammit.
That's the silhouette he chose?
- I get it now. I fucking love empathy!
- Yes, we've seen soldiers surprising
their kids at the airport,
and we double-watched Scrooged.
It expanded every heart I have!
Hold up. Got a message for Yum.
- Oh my god, the town finally needs
its moral center!
- Aisha, release us!
I don't think you're ready.
- Fam, I was wrong!
Jerks have totally taken over,
and only you assholes can save this town!
- Come on, Ai-eesh, we need to get out!
- Come on, sister girl,
we're running out of time!
Jesus, you fucking aliens
get into some stupid shit.
Okay, we can skip to the final test.
I ordered a pizza, all you gotta do
is talk to the delivery guy
and get your pizza. Okay?
- Wow, that's it?
- Easy. Not even hungry.
Also, he's two hours late.
- What? Where the fuck's my 'za?
- Come on, you guys can do this.
As of now, I believe in you!
- Ah! My Teen Titans collector vases!
- Ugh. Let's get this over with.
- Hello, pizza representative.
Uh yeah, I got a pizza
for Korn, Larry, and HackitySack.
- Call me by my Christian name!
- No, no, calm your tits, Yumyulack.
This can be done.
Thank you.
Cute. Now tip him.
- For not doing his job?
- Come on. We gotta get out of here.
The city needs me.
- Uh, does it go any lower
than ten percent?
No, ten is the bottom? Of course it is.
Okay, we did it, open the doors.
Give him five stars.
- What?
- Fuck off!
I can't. A perfect five-star rating
means something, dammit.
- Okay, if I've learned anything today,
it's that empathy isn't about doing
the correct thing.
It's about skipping what makes sense
to make someone else feel good.
Come on, what would Scrooged do?
- He would... think about
what other people want
and give them that
because he's actually Santa.
- Yes! Wait, what?
No, did you even watch the movie?
- No, I had my eyes closed the whole time,
but I remember the poster.
- Yeah!
- Alright!
- It's empathy time, motherfuckers.
Let's get decent!
- Oh my god, I did it.
All the jerks are gone!
Which means
I get to be the only jerk in town!
What a fuckin' reveal!
- Whoa, our town looks gorgeous!
- Yeah, we empathized the fuck
outta this place.
- In all my time as a Parade judge,
I have never seen nicer townfolk.
Surely the Top Ten will include
the gorgeous city of GeenaDavisville.
- Yeah!
Check it out,
I'm giving this fountain a golden shower!
Oh no, this is bad.
- Sorry.
Please continue.
- Oh my god.
Did you just turn that man into coins?
- Aw, I love our family pics.
Really makes this house a home.
- Ah yes, every time
I walk by this picture,
I'll remember what a total bag of shit
that guy was.
- Fudgeballs. After all that,
I can't believe we didn't get listed
in the Ten Nicest Places to Live.
We could've been on the cover!
- Nah, son! This cover is way better.
"Town's Moral Center
Saves Everyone's Ass."
Oooh! One-- no, two-- no,
three-- no, four!
Four recipes for creamy chowders?
Yeah, baby!
No. Ow. No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Halk! You came back.
- You know me.
Always the hero.
- There are way too many!
- The lighter!
We can use the fluid!
One... two...
- Good teamwork... partner.
- What was--
- The floor! Run!