Solar Opposites (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Cubic Lattice Crystallizer - full transcript
The Solar Opposites are going on vacation.
- Aah!
What the fuck is happening?
- We just hit a major milestone.
One hundred days without a fight!
- We did it!
- It's official.
The Solar Opposites finally get along.
Mmm.
- No more fighting.
The dawn of a new era.
- It really bugs me
how you chose to tell us.
But since we're post-fight,
I'm letting it go.
- So what do we do now?
Obviously we should reward ourselves.
But how?
I mean, pancakes and oral.
Crepes and rimming.
- We do crepes and rimming too much.
It's-- it's not a treat anymore.
But check out this commercial signal
I received on social media.
I love Little Mountain Lake.
- We haven't been in so long.
- You booked us a vacation. Oh!
- You bet your fluid-filled sacs, I did.
I already packed up all your shit.
We're leaving right now.
- Wouldn't the hover platform be faster?
- Yes, but we're unplugging this trip,
so all sci-fi stays home.
And I left it all with Joey,
the homeschool kid from next door.
- There will be no divorce!
Burn on the pyre
of your misfortune!
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is-- this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
They're always talking about brunch.
Brunch isn't real.
It's either bread or crunch.
You can't have both.
Pick a lane, idiots!
- Hey, you gave him more than me!
- Fuck you! I'm doing my best!
- Gimme that.
- Order!
There will be order
in the people's house!
This is our second day
without power.
If present conditions continue,
we're completely fucked.
In three days' time,
The Wall will run out of food.
In five days, water.
The lucky ones will freeze.
- But, uh, when will be run out
of the tiny pieces of Snickers wrapper
we use to wipe our tushes?
- We're already down to fun size.
I yield the floor to Nicole
who served as power minister
in both the Tim
and Duke administrations.
- After the revolution,
Tim and I figured out a way
to patch into the wire
that powers the plug
the replicants use for their TV.
That wire must have frayed
or come loose.
Either way, it needs
to be reconnected.
- Great. Why haven't we
done it already?
- Because it's on
the very bottom level.
- Shit.
- Yeah.
After the Duke's flood,
who knows what it's like down there.
- Everyone who's gone down
either came back crazy--
- Or didn't come back at all.
- I've been down to those levels,
but I need volunteers
to go with me.
- Joe Sanders reporting for duty.
I don't give a shit how crazy
those lower Wall folk are,
I'll kill 'em all if it means
I get to take a hot shower.
- Alright, Sanders.
Great energy. Thank you.
Anyone else?
Eyepatch guy.
You got to come with us.
You look like a badass.
- I got this eyepatch from playing
too much 3DS in the dark.
- Okay, well, you're still coming.
- So am I.
If I'm going to freeze to death,
may as well be heroically.
- We could use one more.
- I like the Royal Blue.
Unless you like the Regal Navy.
- Halk, we need to-- Oh.
Nova, hi. Do you mind
if I speak with your husband?
Parliament business.
- Of course. I'll be in the nursery.
- We've been thinking
a lot about the future.
Our future.
- Bullshit.
If that were true,
you'd be coming with me
instead of playing decorator.
- I can't go on some suicide mission.
I have a life here.
- And I don't?
I'm leaving my... Pezlie behind
to do this,
because there is no future for her,
or your wife,
if we don't fix this.
- I'm sorry, Cherie,
my hero days are behind me.
- Do you even know
what you want to be instead?
- A dancer. It's an old dream
of mine from college.
Been working on my splits.
- That's great, Halk.
I'll see you around.
- Hey, I never asked
to be a hero.
- Nobody ever does.
They just are.
- Hey, you almost made me spill
my mayo fries,
which I just invented
'cause I'm a fucking genius.
Try. Try, try, try, try.
- Ooh. It's the Little effing Mountain!
Little Mountain Lake!
Little Mountain Lake!
Little Mountain Lake!
Little Mountain Lodge!
Little Mountain Lodge!
Little Mountain Lodge!
- We're here.
I used the cubic lattice crystallizer
to make some fresh diamonds
so we could tip everybody.
- Do you have change
for a De Beers?
You know what?
Take the whole corundum.
- Thank you, Jesse.
- See how he remembered my name?
That's classy.
- Terry, Korvo, Jesse, Yumyulack,
welcome back to LML!
It's been two years
since your last visit.
- Two years too long if you ask me.
Ah, I love how funny I am here.
- In honor of your return,
we've upgraded you
to the Grand Moff suite.
- Whoa! Grand Moff?
That's the highest civilian rank
for a regional governor in the Empire.
- Tastes great, right.
Even if the room sucked,
I'd still stay here just for the coffee.
- Oh, Bill.
He loves to crack wise.
Hi, we're the Johnsons.
Just came in from Des Plaines, Chicago.
- Your bounty hunter outfit is sick.
- Oh, uh, thanks. It's got
a neural shockwave pinned in the sleeve.
- I can tell.
- Look, let's skip the foreplay.
Will you be our vacation friends?
- Yes. A thousand times, yes.
- I thought you'd never ask.
- We're all checked in.
Who the fuck is this?
- They're our vacay besties,
the Johnsons!
- Yes, vacation friends!
They're the perfect choice to regret later
having in all of our photographs.
Yeah!
- Wow. I just invented
mayo fries today,
and they already have
a whole restaurant for it.
Little Mountain Lake is really
on the cutting edge.
- Didn't that fried dough place
used to be here?
- Oh. Remember when I liked
fried dough?
Sounds so disgusting now.
- Hello there, friend.
Might I interest you
in our train museum?
- I'm not into trains anymore.
- You... aren't into trains?
- No, it's been a sore spot ever since
Terry here tried to board me.
- Well, I only did that because you turned
yourself into a train out of spite.
- It was my hobby!
- We brought tiki drinks.
- Oh.
- Tracy, turn loose that rum swizzle.
- Oh, Bill's back,
and he's brought tiki drinks!
You got a friend in me, Bill.
- We got a problem.
- If she's crying, bounce.
Don't rock her. She hates rocking.
She'll drink mouse milk,
but not too much, she gets gassy.
Oh god, I'm sure
I'm forgetting something.
- Hey, we got this.
Pezlie is the most important thing
in this Wall.
The Bowinian Order will guard her
with our lives.
- Thank you, Sister.
You've been a lifesaver.
Now hopefully
I can return the favor.
Alright. Last chance to pussy out.
- Not me.
I'm tough as they come.
Check it out. I branded myself
with a hot staple.
Is that the Lacoste logo?
- It's all I know how to draw.
The point is, I'm tough as shit.
- If you're worried about being tracked,
I'd quiet down.
- I thought you didn't do
suicide missions.
- Well, I don't,
but my insane friend needs backup.
- Okay, stay close.
These levels have been
off the grid for months.
Who knows what's been growing
in the dark.
- I hope there's a Starbucks
'cause I already have to take a shit.
- Terry!
- I never get tired
of how friendly everyone is.
Hey! Hello! Hi there!
Follow me. I follow back!
- And I am loving my vacation robe.
It's a little bit coarser,
but in all the right spots.
Huh, wasn't this
a train museum yesterday?
- Sure was.
Now it's the Hall of Betrayals.
Come on in!
First hundred guests get free ring pops.
- Ring me, baby!
- Um, bury the lede much?
- This is a dece' collection
of betrayals
Guy who killed Caesar, Jay Leno refusing
to give up The Tonight Show--
Korvo, what am I looking at?
- Uh, looks like it could possibly be me.
It-it's really hard to tell.
M-maybe getting boned by the Red Goobler
on his bachelor party last year.
So weird that this is in here.
Wasn't really even a betrayal.
What's that look?
You said it didn't bother you!
- Oh, well, I guess there's no chance
I was just armoring myself
emotionally by--
- Ah! I'm cumming harder
than I do with Terry!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
- Oh, they have a Lando
and Han Solo exhibit, let-let's find that.
- This one's cryptic.
- You fucking dick! That's you!
I bought those Takis at the store,
but someone ate them all
before I could even have one.
You told me it was the Pupa!
If that's true,
then explain this animatronic.
- Yeah, I did it, okay!
I was eating my feelings.
All the bad ones left over from when
you let the Red Goobler fuck you!
- You're acting like
that's a bigger deal than the Takis.
But it's not!
- It all went according to plan.
Whoever has eyes on the replicants,
start Phase Two.
- Wow, it doesn't look as little
when you're up
on the actual mountain, you know.
- Relax, Yumyulack, you'll do great.
Get... out!
- Huh?
- She means, "Get out!"
Like, "Get on out down that mountain!"
That's how we say it in Des Plaines.
Come on! The race is starting.
- I'm the king of Little Mountain
and that little-ass lake!
Hey, they spelled
my name wrong. Funyulack.
Wait, Funyulack's
your pretend-o-deck version of me.
That was fucked up.
- Come on, you can't still be mad
about that. I tried to kill him.
- But you killed me instead.
- Whatever! You made me cheat
at the Olympics!
- I don't make you do anything!
You delegate all our hijinks to me!
- Fuck you! I do not!
- Phase Two complete.
But now we need
a new fucking Danielle.
- These maps are useless.
Everything down here
is decayed and mucky.
- Aw fuck! Die! Die! Die! Die!
- It's plastic!
GI Joes.
Too bad, they totally lose their value
when they're crucified.
- Let's move.
We're being watched.
- Uh, may-- maybe we should double back
and take the Boo-Hoo Hole to the bottom.
It can't make you boo-hoo
as much as the name implies.
- The Duke threw me down
the Boo-Hoo Hole. Once was enough.
- It's full of spiders now anyway.
- Pssh! How many action figures
are they gonna--
Oh fuck, real head!
- Oh man, it's Mark.
Delivery guy,
went missing weeks ago.
Used to pull his balls
out of his pants as a joke.
He'd say, "Hey, look,
I got gum on my pants,"
but it wasn't gum,
it was his scrotum.
Still, he didn't deserve this.
- Aw, man.
That cannot be sanitary.
Please!
Water!
Water!
- I'm gonna torch 'em!
- No, they're too close, you'll burn us!
- Go on! Git! Leave 'em alone!
Take your muck and get out of here.
- Thanks, pal.
Let's get you on your--
What the fuck?
- Just a mild case of muck foot.
Pretty common around here.
- The name's Avocado Eggrolls.
'Cause I like avocados.
- And eggrolls?
- I fucking hate eggrolls!
Anyhoo, I heard you're headed
to the bottom levels.
You need a guide, old Avocado Eggrolls
will show you the way.
- We don't have time
for this Skyrim side quest bullshit.
He'll slow us down.
- Hey, don't be ableist.
You already said the map was useless.
Okay, Avocado, where to?
- This is it.
Just right around this--
- I-I didn't sign up for this shit, man.
We're gonna die down here!
- Well, well, well,
what the muck do we have here?
- I brought you some
real upper floor softies, Plat.
- What the fuck, Avocado!
I carried you for two hours!
- A real eggroll move, ya dumbass.
- Fucking muck people.
- Muck people are people too,
you know.
The upper Wall has forgotten us.
Wall name is Platinum Stevie.
These are my people.
I protect 'em, clean their mucky wounds,
feed them deodorant shavings.
And in return, they do as I say.
Like when I tell them to kill you!
- Try it and I'll slice you up
like an onion volcano.
- You're spicy.
Guess we're all gonna die today.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't want
no quarrel with you, Platinum Stevie.
We're just here to turn the power on.
We don't want to interfere with whatever
muck life you've stirred up down here.
You could help us.
- Ha! I'll never help you.
Power on, power off:
it's all the same in the muck.
Grab them!
- What if we could offer you something?
Something that you don't have down here?
What about a seat
in Parliament, huh?
Your forgotten muck people could
be represented at the top of the Wall.
- Platinum Stevie,
part of the inner circle, huh?
Sounds nice.
I bet you're saving
the best muck of all up there, aren't you?
- Uh... metaphorically, sure.
- You've got yourself a deal!
You are now my guests.
You may have
safe muck harbor tonight.
Tomorrow, I'll take you
where you want to go,
and then you can take me up.
So I spent all summer
fixing up that old Corvette.
Korvo, you seem
mechanically minded.
You ever tinker around
with a hot rod?
- I have never once tinkered.
- Your butt tinkers.
- What?
- Nothing.
- Great job in the race today.
- Thanks. Hey, you look great tonight.
Did you change your eye color?
Or the shape of your head?
- Ha ha ha. You're cute.
- Would you like to hear
about our specials?
First, we have a
Yumyulack-is-a-shitty-co-replicant
who-smells-like-total-ass
grilled chicken
served alongside a nice heap
of Jesse's-a-whiny-bitch
who's-holding-Yumyulack-back
green beans.
- Damn dawg, that's harsh.
- Whiny bitch?
- And for dessert,
the Terry Berry tart.
It's delicious,
but a real lazy piece of shit.
- Oh, that one. I want that one.
- I'll give you a minute to discuss.
Really think about what I said.
- That was fucking weird.
Usually, they want our order right away.
You know, it's been a long day.
W-we're tired.
G-gonna call it a night.
- Aw man, I was jonesin'
for that Terry tart.
Can we get one to go? Korvo?
- I'll be back, Danielle!
- What the fudge, Korvo?
- Who wants to dance
to some really loud music?
You're listening
to Satellite Satellite radio.
Coming up, a block
of Disney-approved music.
Listen. Something very fucking weird
is going on--
- What? You like "fucking weird"?
Trust me, I know!
- Stop yelling.
- Why?
- It's the only way
to be heard over the music!
- I'm using music
to drown out our voices.
We're being spied on.
Everyone in that restaurant had earpieces.
No one was eating their dinner.
They just kept staring at us.
- Uh yeah,
these are rural people.
Seeing city folk like us is a big deal
'cause we're so much better dressed
and smarter than they is.
- It's not just that.
Since we got here,
everything has been catered to us.
Haven't you noticed?
- They did know about mayo fries
when I'd literally just invented it.
- On Little Mountain,
Danielle hugged me real tight
and said, "Get out,"
in a very intense way.
And then at dinner, she was replaced
with a different Danielle.
- Jesus, Yumyulack,
that's really fucking weird.
Don't you think
you should've said something?
- I'm saying it now! Damn!
- Okay, shit, okay,
I'm starting to feel like
we might be trapped in a Wicker Man,
the movie, not that guy who up-sells us
at Pier One Imports.
- Personally, I think we're trapped
in a Midsom-mar.
What is that?
- It's pronounced "midsummer."
- That's just a millennial-dusted
Wicker Man remake.
- Nah, we're in a The Truman Show.
- It doesn't matter what movie
we're trapped in.
This town is out to get us.
We should get the fuck outta here.
Somebody take notes, Jordan Peele's
gonna need to hear about this town.
- Anyone seen Joe Sanders?
His bedroll's gone.
- Yeah, yeah, I saw him take off
early this morning.
High-tailed it back
to the upper levels.
Said to tell you
"Game over, man"
and "I'm too old for this shit."
- Classic action movie coward stuff.
- Eat your muck.
We leave for the bottom in ten minutes.
This stew is friggin' delicious!
- Psst, Eyepatch Guy.
- Dude, don't lick your fingers.
- This says Joe Sanders.
You guys!
We're eating Joe Sanders!
- Come on now, Platinum Stevie.
Boiling folks,
serving them to their friends,
that's no way to get yourself
into Parliament.
- Don't Parl-splain to me.
I appreciate the offer, I do.
And I was even gonna hold up my end.
But then late last night,
I got a hankerin',
and I realized I'd rather eat you.
Get them!
You'll never escape the muck!
- Wait! We forgot the Pupa!
- Did we leave him in the lodge?
- I'm not sure we brought him at all.
Isn't he at home?
- Aw geez. We left him
in the school betting story!
- Beyblade! Beyblade! Beyblade!
- Let's hope he's-- Shit!
- Sorry, lane painting emergency!
- Nuclear power plant had a meltdown.
Go back to the Lodge!
- Yumyulack, it's me,
the real Danielle Johnson.
I love you!
- I know she's a husk, but she's hot!
- Don't worry,
I had Terry upgrade this bad boy
with off-road capabilities last month.
- Punch it!
Goddammit, why are there skis?
- You didn't tell me what kind
of road we'd be off of.
- Dammit, Terry! Oh shit, run!
Terry, Korvo, Yumyulack,
Jesse, come back!
- I always have sticks in my mouth
after tree-ing myself.
- Okay, we gotta get outta here
before these hicks tie us up and eat us up
or out or whatever.
- Hold on a second.
How do we know
Korvo isn't behind all of this?
- Why the hell would I be?
- I don't know! You get butt hurt
about every little thing.
You Now-You-Seed-Me'd us
with that magic stuff, remember?
How do we know
you aren't doing a The Game?
- I am not doing a The Game!
How fucking dare you?
- Keep your voice down.
They're going to catch us if we don't
stop fighting about shit from the past.
- But this is how old shit festers
into new shit.
We have to stop moving on
without properly apologizing.
- Fine! I apologize for involving you all
in my brilliant magic trick.
It wasn't my place to inject your lives
with a childlike sense of wonder.
I'm so sorry.
- Oh, and I'm sorry for getting
so bent outta shape
over graphic depictions
of the Red Goobler blasting you
behind my back.
Look at us. Friends again.
- No! This is what I'm talking about!
We have core issues
to deal with, people!
- Here's a core issue:
how do we escape
without our sci-fi stuff?
- I know I said we were unplugging,
but I did bring a small piece of sci-fi:
my pocket laser.
- Forgot I had it on me.
- Never go anywhere without it.
- Terry, I assume you broke the rules
and brought something too?
- Just in case things got kinky.
- Ugh, I wish this trip had gone that way.
Looks like we're gonna have
to fight our way out.
Hurry up and make some weapons.
- Muckers, it's time to get dirty!
- Shit!
- Halk!
- Oh, I'm gonna enjoy noshing you,
and then we're going to go up
floor by floor
and eat all your friends.
Everyone you care about is going
to get pooped out of my ass!
Huh?
- What the hell is that thing?
- Whatever it was,
it's not our problem anymore.
- Once we get the power back on,
we gotta clean these levels out.
- Hey, guys, the power room.
I think it's right below us.
- Sweep sector four again.
And hey, remember, don't harm them.
- Please let us go home!
- Citizen's arrest, bitch!
- Whoa. Guys!
- Nobody move!
- Back the fuck up!
Don't come any closer!
But also, settle a bet,
which "creepy townspeople movie"
are we in:
Wicker Man, Truman Show,
or Midsommar?
- None! Those are all super creepy!
Little Mountain Lake exists only for you.
It's been that way since your first visit.
- What do you mean
it exists only "for us"?
E-explain yourself!
- On your first trip, you tipped us
millions of dollars in diamonds.
We ran the math.
By focusing on just your family,
we make more than trying
to service tourists in general.
- So we re-built the town
and based the changes
around what you liked.
- Then, you stopped coming.
For two years.
Our entire economy was
on the verge of collapse.
Without you, we had nothing.
- We hired a team of Russian hackers
to scrape your data,
and then we built an algorithm
to determine your every need
and spammed your
social media with ads.
- That's why I got Little Mountain ads
on my OnlyFans.
- Once you got here,
the algorithm determined
that if you worked through
your issues at LML,
you'd love it here even more!
- Well, we don't love it!
So you can take your algorithm
and shove it
right up your crusty butthole!
- Let this be a lesson.
You mess with the Solar Opposites,
you pay with your fucking life!
- Did we take it too far back there?
With all the killing?
- I'd say we walked
right up to the line.
- Well, the good news is,
now we have the whole six-hour ride home
to talk through all our issues.
- Didn't we do all that
when we apologized in the woods?
- No! I'm talking about really
drilling down to the core issues
so we can learn and grow.
Like the algorithm wanted us to.
- So we lost
our favorite vacation spot,
and we're supposed to work
through our issues now?
- That sounds way worse than
keeping our vacation spot
and never working through our issues.
- I do love algorithms.
- I know you do.
- Oh god, they're coming back
to finish us off!
Stop cowering!
After a short, angry drive,
we realized that your algorithm
was spot-the-fuck-on.
- You mean we were right
to help you?
- No. The algorithm was right
to help us.
Humans are disgusting
and messy and stupid.
Algorithms are pure.
And I can't stay mad at math.
- We've decided to keep vacationing
at Little Mountain Lake.
But we have some demands.
- Thank you, gracious aliens.
We'll do whatever you want.
- First, put Little Mountain Lake
back the way it was
when we first visited.
And then we'll all pretend like
none of this ever happened.
You didn't trap us,
we didn't slaughter 30 people.
- And now I want the hotter Danielle!
- And, most importantly,
no more spying
or trying to get us to work
through our issues.
Because we're never gonna grow or learn
or do any of that shit. You got it?
Now take us to the algorithm.
Poor algorithm. Little guy was just doing
what he was programmed to do.
He's so well-designed.
- It has to be done.
- It was better this way.
That algorithm was dead
the second we took away its data inputs.
- Run free, algo.
Run free.
- Can you fix it?
- Yeah, but it's weird.
I expected there to be a clean break,
but this looks like it was chewed.
- What the hell was that?
Stay on guard.
- Here goes nothing.
- Woo!
- Aah!
- Oh yeah.
- Woo-hoo!
- Eyepatch Guy! You are the man!
Yes!
- Not bad for a tiny huma--
- Crap!
What the fuck is happening?
- We just hit a major milestone.
One hundred days without a fight!
- We did it!
- It's official.
The Solar Opposites finally get along.
Mmm.
- No more fighting.
The dawn of a new era.
- It really bugs me
how you chose to tell us.
But since we're post-fight,
I'm letting it go.
- So what do we do now?
Obviously we should reward ourselves.
But how?
I mean, pancakes and oral.
Crepes and rimming.
- We do crepes and rimming too much.
It's-- it's not a treat anymore.
But check out this commercial signal
I received on social media.
I love Little Mountain Lake.
- We haven't been in so long.
- You booked us a vacation. Oh!
- You bet your fluid-filled sacs, I did.
I already packed up all your shit.
We're leaving right now.
- Wouldn't the hover platform be faster?
- Yes, but we're unplugging this trip,
so all sci-fi stays home.
And I left it all with Joey,
the homeschool kid from next door.
- There will be no divorce!
Burn on the pyre
of your misfortune!
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is-- this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
They're always talking about brunch.
Brunch isn't real.
It's either bread or crunch.
You can't have both.
Pick a lane, idiots!
- Hey, you gave him more than me!
- Fuck you! I'm doing my best!
- Gimme that.
- Order!
There will be order
in the people's house!
This is our second day
without power.
If present conditions continue,
we're completely fucked.
In three days' time,
The Wall will run out of food.
In five days, water.
The lucky ones will freeze.
- But, uh, when will be run out
of the tiny pieces of Snickers wrapper
we use to wipe our tushes?
- We're already down to fun size.
I yield the floor to Nicole
who served as power minister
in both the Tim
and Duke administrations.
- After the revolution,
Tim and I figured out a way
to patch into the wire
that powers the plug
the replicants use for their TV.
That wire must have frayed
or come loose.
Either way, it needs
to be reconnected.
- Great. Why haven't we
done it already?
- Because it's on
the very bottom level.
- Shit.
- Yeah.
After the Duke's flood,
who knows what it's like down there.
- Everyone who's gone down
either came back crazy--
- Or didn't come back at all.
- I've been down to those levels,
but I need volunteers
to go with me.
- Joe Sanders reporting for duty.
I don't give a shit how crazy
those lower Wall folk are,
I'll kill 'em all if it means
I get to take a hot shower.
- Alright, Sanders.
Great energy. Thank you.
Anyone else?
Eyepatch guy.
You got to come with us.
You look like a badass.
- I got this eyepatch from playing
too much 3DS in the dark.
- Okay, well, you're still coming.
- So am I.
If I'm going to freeze to death,
may as well be heroically.
- We could use one more.
- I like the Royal Blue.
Unless you like the Regal Navy.
- Halk, we need to-- Oh.
Nova, hi. Do you mind
if I speak with your husband?
Parliament business.
- Of course. I'll be in the nursery.
- We've been thinking
a lot about the future.
Our future.
- Bullshit.
If that were true,
you'd be coming with me
instead of playing decorator.
- I can't go on some suicide mission.
I have a life here.
- And I don't?
I'm leaving my... Pezlie behind
to do this,
because there is no future for her,
or your wife,
if we don't fix this.
- I'm sorry, Cherie,
my hero days are behind me.
- Do you even know
what you want to be instead?
- A dancer. It's an old dream
of mine from college.
Been working on my splits.
- That's great, Halk.
I'll see you around.
- Hey, I never asked
to be a hero.
- Nobody ever does.
They just are.
- Hey, you almost made me spill
my mayo fries,
which I just invented
'cause I'm a fucking genius.
Try. Try, try, try, try.
- Ooh. It's the Little effing Mountain!
Little Mountain Lake!
Little Mountain Lake!
Little Mountain Lake!
Little Mountain Lodge!
Little Mountain Lodge!
Little Mountain Lodge!
- We're here.
I used the cubic lattice crystallizer
to make some fresh diamonds
so we could tip everybody.
- Do you have change
for a De Beers?
You know what?
Take the whole corundum.
- Thank you, Jesse.
- See how he remembered my name?
That's classy.
- Terry, Korvo, Jesse, Yumyulack,
welcome back to LML!
It's been two years
since your last visit.
- Two years too long if you ask me.
Ah, I love how funny I am here.
- In honor of your return,
we've upgraded you
to the Grand Moff suite.
- Whoa! Grand Moff?
That's the highest civilian rank
for a regional governor in the Empire.
- Tastes great, right.
Even if the room sucked,
I'd still stay here just for the coffee.
- Oh, Bill.
He loves to crack wise.
Hi, we're the Johnsons.
Just came in from Des Plaines, Chicago.
- Your bounty hunter outfit is sick.
- Oh, uh, thanks. It's got
a neural shockwave pinned in the sleeve.
- I can tell.
- Look, let's skip the foreplay.
Will you be our vacation friends?
- Yes. A thousand times, yes.
- I thought you'd never ask.
- We're all checked in.
Who the fuck is this?
- They're our vacay besties,
the Johnsons!
- Yes, vacation friends!
They're the perfect choice to regret later
having in all of our photographs.
Yeah!
- Wow. I just invented
mayo fries today,
and they already have
a whole restaurant for it.
Little Mountain Lake is really
on the cutting edge.
- Didn't that fried dough place
used to be here?
- Oh. Remember when I liked
fried dough?
Sounds so disgusting now.
- Hello there, friend.
Might I interest you
in our train museum?
- I'm not into trains anymore.
- You... aren't into trains?
- No, it's been a sore spot ever since
Terry here tried to board me.
- Well, I only did that because you turned
yourself into a train out of spite.
- It was my hobby!
- We brought tiki drinks.
- Oh.
- Tracy, turn loose that rum swizzle.
- Oh, Bill's back,
and he's brought tiki drinks!
You got a friend in me, Bill.
- We got a problem.
- If she's crying, bounce.
Don't rock her. She hates rocking.
She'll drink mouse milk,
but not too much, she gets gassy.
Oh god, I'm sure
I'm forgetting something.
- Hey, we got this.
Pezlie is the most important thing
in this Wall.
The Bowinian Order will guard her
with our lives.
- Thank you, Sister.
You've been a lifesaver.
Now hopefully
I can return the favor.
Alright. Last chance to pussy out.
- Not me.
I'm tough as they come.
Check it out. I branded myself
with a hot staple.
Is that the Lacoste logo?
- It's all I know how to draw.
The point is, I'm tough as shit.
- If you're worried about being tracked,
I'd quiet down.
- I thought you didn't do
suicide missions.
- Well, I don't,
but my insane friend needs backup.
- Okay, stay close.
These levels have been
off the grid for months.
Who knows what's been growing
in the dark.
- I hope there's a Starbucks
'cause I already have to take a shit.
- Terry!
- I never get tired
of how friendly everyone is.
Hey! Hello! Hi there!
Follow me. I follow back!
- And I am loving my vacation robe.
It's a little bit coarser,
but in all the right spots.
Huh, wasn't this
a train museum yesterday?
- Sure was.
Now it's the Hall of Betrayals.
Come on in!
First hundred guests get free ring pops.
- Ring me, baby!
- Um, bury the lede much?
- This is a dece' collection
of betrayals
Guy who killed Caesar, Jay Leno refusing
to give up The Tonight Show--
Korvo, what am I looking at?
- Uh, looks like it could possibly be me.
It-it's really hard to tell.
M-maybe getting boned by the Red Goobler
on his bachelor party last year.
So weird that this is in here.
Wasn't really even a betrayal.
What's that look?
You said it didn't bother you!
- Oh, well, I guess there's no chance
I was just armoring myself
emotionally by--
- Ah! I'm cumming harder
than I do with Terry!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
- Oh, they have a Lando
and Han Solo exhibit, let-let's find that.
- This one's cryptic.
- You fucking dick! That's you!
I bought those Takis at the store,
but someone ate them all
before I could even have one.
You told me it was the Pupa!
If that's true,
then explain this animatronic.
- Yeah, I did it, okay!
I was eating my feelings.
All the bad ones left over from when
you let the Red Goobler fuck you!
- You're acting like
that's a bigger deal than the Takis.
But it's not!
- It all went according to plan.
Whoever has eyes on the replicants,
start Phase Two.
- Wow, it doesn't look as little
when you're up
on the actual mountain, you know.
- Relax, Yumyulack, you'll do great.
Get... out!
- Huh?
- She means, "Get out!"
Like, "Get on out down that mountain!"
That's how we say it in Des Plaines.
Come on! The race is starting.
- I'm the king of Little Mountain
and that little-ass lake!
Hey, they spelled
my name wrong. Funyulack.
Wait, Funyulack's
your pretend-o-deck version of me.
That was fucked up.
- Come on, you can't still be mad
about that. I tried to kill him.
- But you killed me instead.
- Whatever! You made me cheat
at the Olympics!
- I don't make you do anything!
You delegate all our hijinks to me!
- Fuck you! I do not!
- Phase Two complete.
But now we need
a new fucking Danielle.
- These maps are useless.
Everything down here
is decayed and mucky.
- Aw fuck! Die! Die! Die! Die!
- It's plastic!
GI Joes.
Too bad, they totally lose their value
when they're crucified.
- Let's move.
We're being watched.
- Uh, may-- maybe we should double back
and take the Boo-Hoo Hole to the bottom.
It can't make you boo-hoo
as much as the name implies.
- The Duke threw me down
the Boo-Hoo Hole. Once was enough.
- It's full of spiders now anyway.
- Pssh! How many action figures
are they gonna--
Oh fuck, real head!
- Oh man, it's Mark.
Delivery guy,
went missing weeks ago.
Used to pull his balls
out of his pants as a joke.
He'd say, "Hey, look,
I got gum on my pants,"
but it wasn't gum,
it was his scrotum.
Still, he didn't deserve this.
- Aw, man.
That cannot be sanitary.
Please!
Water!
Water!
- I'm gonna torch 'em!
- No, they're too close, you'll burn us!
- Go on! Git! Leave 'em alone!
Take your muck and get out of here.
- Thanks, pal.
Let's get you on your--
What the fuck?
- Just a mild case of muck foot.
Pretty common around here.
- The name's Avocado Eggrolls.
'Cause I like avocados.
- And eggrolls?
- I fucking hate eggrolls!
Anyhoo, I heard you're headed
to the bottom levels.
You need a guide, old Avocado Eggrolls
will show you the way.
- We don't have time
for this Skyrim side quest bullshit.
He'll slow us down.
- Hey, don't be ableist.
You already said the map was useless.
Okay, Avocado, where to?
- This is it.
Just right around this--
- I-I didn't sign up for this shit, man.
We're gonna die down here!
- Well, well, well,
what the muck do we have here?
- I brought you some
real upper floor softies, Plat.
- What the fuck, Avocado!
I carried you for two hours!
- A real eggroll move, ya dumbass.
- Fucking muck people.
- Muck people are people too,
you know.
The upper Wall has forgotten us.
Wall name is Platinum Stevie.
These are my people.
I protect 'em, clean their mucky wounds,
feed them deodorant shavings.
And in return, they do as I say.
Like when I tell them to kill you!
- Try it and I'll slice you up
like an onion volcano.
- You're spicy.
Guess we're all gonna die today.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't want
no quarrel with you, Platinum Stevie.
We're just here to turn the power on.
We don't want to interfere with whatever
muck life you've stirred up down here.
You could help us.
- Ha! I'll never help you.
Power on, power off:
it's all the same in the muck.
Grab them!
- What if we could offer you something?
Something that you don't have down here?
What about a seat
in Parliament, huh?
Your forgotten muck people could
be represented at the top of the Wall.
- Platinum Stevie,
part of the inner circle, huh?
Sounds nice.
I bet you're saving
the best muck of all up there, aren't you?
- Uh... metaphorically, sure.
- You've got yourself a deal!
You are now my guests.
You may have
safe muck harbor tonight.
Tomorrow, I'll take you
where you want to go,
and then you can take me up.
So I spent all summer
fixing up that old Corvette.
Korvo, you seem
mechanically minded.
You ever tinker around
with a hot rod?
- I have never once tinkered.
- Your butt tinkers.
- What?
- Nothing.
- Great job in the race today.
- Thanks. Hey, you look great tonight.
Did you change your eye color?
Or the shape of your head?
- Ha ha ha. You're cute.
- Would you like to hear
about our specials?
First, we have a
Yumyulack-is-a-shitty-co-replicant
who-smells-like-total-ass
grilled chicken
served alongside a nice heap
of Jesse's-a-whiny-bitch
who's-holding-Yumyulack-back
green beans.
- Damn dawg, that's harsh.
- Whiny bitch?
- And for dessert,
the Terry Berry tart.
It's delicious,
but a real lazy piece of shit.
- Oh, that one. I want that one.
- I'll give you a minute to discuss.
Really think about what I said.
- That was fucking weird.
Usually, they want our order right away.
You know, it's been a long day.
W-we're tired.
G-gonna call it a night.
- Aw man, I was jonesin'
for that Terry tart.
Can we get one to go? Korvo?
- I'll be back, Danielle!
- What the fudge, Korvo?
- Who wants to dance
to some really loud music?
You're listening
to Satellite Satellite radio.
Coming up, a block
of Disney-approved music.
Listen. Something very fucking weird
is going on--
- What? You like "fucking weird"?
Trust me, I know!
- Stop yelling.
- Why?
- It's the only way
to be heard over the music!
- I'm using music
to drown out our voices.
We're being spied on.
Everyone in that restaurant had earpieces.
No one was eating their dinner.
They just kept staring at us.
- Uh yeah,
these are rural people.
Seeing city folk like us is a big deal
'cause we're so much better dressed
and smarter than they is.
- It's not just that.
Since we got here,
everything has been catered to us.
Haven't you noticed?
- They did know about mayo fries
when I'd literally just invented it.
- On Little Mountain,
Danielle hugged me real tight
and said, "Get out,"
in a very intense way.
And then at dinner, she was replaced
with a different Danielle.
- Jesus, Yumyulack,
that's really fucking weird.
Don't you think
you should've said something?
- I'm saying it now! Damn!
- Okay, shit, okay,
I'm starting to feel like
we might be trapped in a Wicker Man,
the movie, not that guy who up-sells us
at Pier One Imports.
- Personally, I think we're trapped
in a Midsom-mar.
What is that?
- It's pronounced "midsummer."
- That's just a millennial-dusted
Wicker Man remake.
- Nah, we're in a The Truman Show.
- It doesn't matter what movie
we're trapped in.
This town is out to get us.
We should get the fuck outta here.
Somebody take notes, Jordan Peele's
gonna need to hear about this town.
- Anyone seen Joe Sanders?
His bedroll's gone.
- Yeah, yeah, I saw him take off
early this morning.
High-tailed it back
to the upper levels.
Said to tell you
"Game over, man"
and "I'm too old for this shit."
- Classic action movie coward stuff.
- Eat your muck.
We leave for the bottom in ten minutes.
This stew is friggin' delicious!
- Psst, Eyepatch Guy.
- Dude, don't lick your fingers.
- This says Joe Sanders.
You guys!
We're eating Joe Sanders!
- Come on now, Platinum Stevie.
Boiling folks,
serving them to their friends,
that's no way to get yourself
into Parliament.
- Don't Parl-splain to me.
I appreciate the offer, I do.
And I was even gonna hold up my end.
But then late last night,
I got a hankerin',
and I realized I'd rather eat you.
Get them!
You'll never escape the muck!
- Wait! We forgot the Pupa!
- Did we leave him in the lodge?
- I'm not sure we brought him at all.
Isn't he at home?
- Aw geez. We left him
in the school betting story!
- Beyblade! Beyblade! Beyblade!
- Let's hope he's-- Shit!
- Sorry, lane painting emergency!
- Nuclear power plant had a meltdown.
Go back to the Lodge!
- Yumyulack, it's me,
the real Danielle Johnson.
I love you!
- I know she's a husk, but she's hot!
- Don't worry,
I had Terry upgrade this bad boy
with off-road capabilities last month.
- Punch it!
Goddammit, why are there skis?
- You didn't tell me what kind
of road we'd be off of.
- Dammit, Terry! Oh shit, run!
Terry, Korvo, Yumyulack,
Jesse, come back!
- I always have sticks in my mouth
after tree-ing myself.
- Okay, we gotta get outta here
before these hicks tie us up and eat us up
or out or whatever.
- Hold on a second.
How do we know
Korvo isn't behind all of this?
- Why the hell would I be?
- I don't know! You get butt hurt
about every little thing.
You Now-You-Seed-Me'd us
with that magic stuff, remember?
How do we know
you aren't doing a The Game?
- I am not doing a The Game!
How fucking dare you?
- Keep your voice down.
They're going to catch us if we don't
stop fighting about shit from the past.
- But this is how old shit festers
into new shit.
We have to stop moving on
without properly apologizing.
- Fine! I apologize for involving you all
in my brilliant magic trick.
It wasn't my place to inject your lives
with a childlike sense of wonder.
I'm so sorry.
- Oh, and I'm sorry for getting
so bent outta shape
over graphic depictions
of the Red Goobler blasting you
behind my back.
Look at us. Friends again.
- No! This is what I'm talking about!
We have core issues
to deal with, people!
- Here's a core issue:
how do we escape
without our sci-fi stuff?
- I know I said we were unplugging,
but I did bring a small piece of sci-fi:
my pocket laser.
- Forgot I had it on me.
- Never go anywhere without it.
- Terry, I assume you broke the rules
and brought something too?
- Just in case things got kinky.
- Ugh, I wish this trip had gone that way.
Looks like we're gonna have
to fight our way out.
Hurry up and make some weapons.
- Muckers, it's time to get dirty!
- Shit!
- Halk!
- Oh, I'm gonna enjoy noshing you,
and then we're going to go up
floor by floor
and eat all your friends.
Everyone you care about is going
to get pooped out of my ass!
Huh?
- What the hell is that thing?
- Whatever it was,
it's not our problem anymore.
- Once we get the power back on,
we gotta clean these levels out.
- Hey, guys, the power room.
I think it's right below us.
- Sweep sector four again.
And hey, remember, don't harm them.
- Please let us go home!
- Citizen's arrest, bitch!
- Whoa. Guys!
- Nobody move!
- Back the fuck up!
Don't come any closer!
But also, settle a bet,
which "creepy townspeople movie"
are we in:
Wicker Man, Truman Show,
or Midsommar?
- None! Those are all super creepy!
Little Mountain Lake exists only for you.
It's been that way since your first visit.
- What do you mean
it exists only "for us"?
E-explain yourself!
- On your first trip, you tipped us
millions of dollars in diamonds.
We ran the math.
By focusing on just your family,
we make more than trying
to service tourists in general.
- So we re-built the town
and based the changes
around what you liked.
- Then, you stopped coming.
For two years.
Our entire economy was
on the verge of collapse.
Without you, we had nothing.
- We hired a team of Russian hackers
to scrape your data,
and then we built an algorithm
to determine your every need
and spammed your
social media with ads.
- That's why I got Little Mountain ads
on my OnlyFans.
- Once you got here,
the algorithm determined
that if you worked through
your issues at LML,
you'd love it here even more!
- Well, we don't love it!
So you can take your algorithm
and shove it
right up your crusty butthole!
- Let this be a lesson.
You mess with the Solar Opposites,
you pay with your fucking life!
- Did we take it too far back there?
With all the killing?
- I'd say we walked
right up to the line.
- Well, the good news is,
now we have the whole six-hour ride home
to talk through all our issues.
- Didn't we do all that
when we apologized in the woods?
- No! I'm talking about really
drilling down to the core issues
so we can learn and grow.
Like the algorithm wanted us to.
- So we lost
our favorite vacation spot,
and we're supposed to work
through our issues now?
- That sounds way worse than
keeping our vacation spot
and never working through our issues.
- I do love algorithms.
- I know you do.
- Oh god, they're coming back
to finish us off!
Stop cowering!
After a short, angry drive,
we realized that your algorithm
was spot-the-fuck-on.
- You mean we were right
to help you?
- No. The algorithm was right
to help us.
Humans are disgusting
and messy and stupid.
Algorithms are pure.
And I can't stay mad at math.
- We've decided to keep vacationing
at Little Mountain Lake.
But we have some demands.
- Thank you, gracious aliens.
We'll do whatever you want.
- First, put Little Mountain Lake
back the way it was
when we first visited.
And then we'll all pretend like
none of this ever happened.
You didn't trap us,
we didn't slaughter 30 people.
- And now I want the hotter Danielle!
- And, most importantly,
no more spying
or trying to get us to work
through our issues.
Because we're never gonna grow or learn
or do any of that shit. You got it?
Now take us to the algorithm.
Poor algorithm. Little guy was just doing
what he was programmed to do.
He's so well-designed.
- It has to be done.
- It was better this way.
That algorithm was dead
the second we took away its data inputs.
- Run free, algo.
Run free.
- Can you fix it?
- Yeah, but it's weird.
I expected there to be a clean break,
but this looks like it was chewed.
- What the hell was that?
Stay on guard.
- Here goes nothing.
- Woo!
- Aah!
- Oh yeah.
- Woo-hoo!
- Eyepatch Guy! You are the man!
Yes!
- Not bad for a tiny huma--
- Crap!