Solar Opposites (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - The Platinum Beyblade Burst 800 Takara Tomy Edition - full transcript
Yumyulack learns about high school betting.
- Just got some work done
on my sleeve, check it out.
It's the tribal symbol for "Digiorno."
- It's so cool that it's not delivery.
Attention students.
As we do every month,
it's time to announce
the winner of Best Couple.
Give it up for Annie and Yumyulack!
- Fuck yeah, brah.
- Fuckin' told you, son.
- All y'all bitches need
to pay up right now.
- Bae, what's going on here?
- Bae, there's something
I have to tell you.
- Bae, you can tell me anything
within the 2000-5000 Hz frequency range.
Otherwise, it's just static.
- Bae, everyone at school
decided to place a bet
that I'm so hot, I could win
Best Couple with anyone,
even a Q-tip-shaped, rough draft
Pixar-looking motherfucker like you.
- Oh.
- But there's one thing I didn't bet on.
Actually falling in love with you.
- I can't frickin' believe this.
- It's okay if you're mad. I get it.
- I'm not mad. I didn't know
you could bet on high school stuff!
That's awesome!
I'm gonna gamble on everything!
- I don't think that's the lesson
you should be--
- It's time to get all Molly's Game
up in this bitch!
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is-- this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
They get so excited about going to Mars.
Have you ever been to Mars?
I-I-I went to Mars one time.
Not so cool. Not even a Starbucks.
- Feel, Korvy! These Ped Eggs are amazing!
I scraped all the plaque off my feet,
and I can taste the floor again!
- Terry, you got your flakes
all over the floor. That's disgusting.
- Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
- If this is what I think it is,
I'm going to literally shit my teeth off.
- It's here!
Our one-of-a-kind Crystal Skull
Vodka-brand bullet signed by Mark Hamill
that we won from that auction on eBay!
- She's more beautiful
than I ever imagined.
- Let's go get some photos so I can make
my bullet group on Facebook
seethe with jealousy.
Who's got the most collectable
ammunition now, Denise?
Ya fat bitch!
Ooh! Let's go take a photo
like we're in Charlie's Angels!
- Don't mind me, just channeling
hard Lucy Liu vibes over here.
- Wait, we're not doing
the Kristen Stewart one?
- No! That's two reboots too far.
- No! Fuck! Our bullet!
I shot our priceless bullet!
- Goddammit, Terry!
That bullet was one of a kind!
You don't just find vodka merch
signed by stars
of Uber Eats commercials every day!
- Wait, I can see it!
- What?
- I shot it straight up,
and my eyesight is really good
because I masturbate a lot.
- Don't stop staring at it.
Is-is it coming down yet?
- It's not a shitty "shoot in the air
when the Dodgers win
the World Series"-type bullet, Korvo.
This thing is aerodynamic as hell.
it's gonna be up there for a while!
Shit. Keep an eye on it!
We have to catch it before it hits
the ground and loses half its value.
- Okay, It's still going up.
I can do this.
Just make sure nothing distracts me.
- I'm on it!
- What's with the comically large
suit of armor?
- We have an amazing plan!
It's for Cherie.
It'll make her look huge, right?
- I mean, yeah, if she can move in it.
Who's she fighting?
- It's designed to inspire,
not for battle.
She can wear it when she takes over
as leader of the Wall.
- We're thinking of calling her
"The Duchess."
Eh? It's good, right?
- Are you hearing this?
This is just the Duke all over again!
No, when she tells everyone she's back
and Tim's dead, she has to be herself.
- I know these people.
They want someone divine,
someone larger than life to lead them,
like Cher or Peanut,
the Jeff Dunham puppet.
- She's already coming back from the dead.
- Which is why the suit
will seal the deal.
- But they deserve an honest leader.
Someone accessible,
like George Washington or Dr. Dre.
Early Dre, not sellout Dre.
Although, he does make
a damn good headphone.
- All I know is we have
to keep Pezlie out of it.
She needs to stay hidden and safe.
- We all agree on that.
Nobody needs to know
about this little angel.
- So, which is it going to be?
Lead as yourself--
- Or as a savior?
In a bangin' suit of armor.
- Yummers, you okay?
I heard about what happened with Annie.
I'm assuming you're going to do
some fucked up sci-fi revenge now?
- Nah, I'm fine.
- Wait, really?
- The only thing I'm upset about
is that it took me this long
to figure out people can make money
off dumb high school bets.
- Well, silver lining:
now that you're single, you could come
to the JV Mock Model UN tomorrow with me.
Or maybe we can float around together
in my Lakitu cloud?
I bought it with the club Nintendo points
the government sent out
during the recession.
- Hell no.
I don't do afterschool activities.
I am an afterschool activity.
- Hey, look, it's fucknut number one.
- What's up, turdsquirt?
- Good one.
I heard about the betting, and I want in.
- Aw, the baby thinks he can bet
with the big boys.
- Nobody wins a social politics bet
against Mark and Clark Hamburger.
What do you got?
- Fifty bucks says those
totally different kids over there,
the princess, the brain, the bad boy,
the athlete, and the freak,
will never become friends.
- Goddammit.
But they're all so different
from each other!
How could they form a bond?
- Don't you know how high school works?
- Pay up, taint hair.
- He said pay up, stank wad.
- I can't. We have a gold machine,
but I got addicted
to girlfriend experiences last year
and I made too much gold,
which reduced the scarcity,
so now all gold is worthless.
- Yeah, right, I've heard
that bullshit before.
Looks like it's time to get burgered!
- No! Stop burgering me!
I can't breathe under all this
meat-themed bullying!
Oh!
T-t-triple or nothing?
- What did you just say?
- Triple or nothing.
Any bet. I choose.
- Deal.
And this time, when you lose,
you better have that money,
or we'll dig you out an asshole
just so we can fill it with firecrackers.
- You a king, Terry.
Let's get some Visine
on those squiggly pupils.
- Whoa, wind's shifting a bit.
- It's probably hitting
the maximum height. Keep staring.
- I got it.
I got it.
- Hey! Hey, fuckin' aliens!
Did you just touch my fucking car?
- Calm down, Glen, it was an accident.
Terry's keeping an eye on our
Crystal Skull vodka-brand bullet
that we shot into the sky,
and his elbow lightly grazed your car
as he was adjusting his position.
- I don't know
what the fuck words you just said.
All I know is nobody touches my car.
You got it?
- That's all you know?
It's a miracle you've survived this long.
- Gah!
- Geez, Yum, you look wrecked.
- Maybe because those sociopathic
Hamburger brothers
are going to kill me
in the most homoerotic way possible.
- I guess Mark's still upset
because he and his Betty just broke up.
They murdered
an ophthalmologist last summer,
and the guilt was too much to bear.
- Wait, you understand
all this school social stuff?
- Oh yeah, I love hot goss.
At any one time,
I can name the five seniors
with vodka-dipped tampons in their butts.
- I think I will go with you to that
JV Mock Model UN meeting after all.
- You want to spend time
doing the things I like,
with no ulterior motive?
- I don't know what "ulterior" means,
so I can honestly say "Hell yes!"
- Yay!
- Holy shitballs.
That's the sexiest
motherfucking Beyblade I've ever seen.
- Oh, not just any Beyblade, Jesse.
This is the Platinum Beyblade Burst 800,
Takara Tomy edition.
- I gotta be honest,
I'm gooshing over here.
- Get your dirty hands
off the merch, Pupa!
- Ooh.
- This is going to take my gambling
to the next level!
- Wait right here, Sister. We're just
packaging up your order right now.
I threw in an extra Swedish Fish,
on the house.
- May the bow be with you.
- Look, whatever Cherie does,
I just ask that you support her.
- Of course. Not everyone is comfortable
with sainthood.
- She's been through a lot,
but at her core,
she just wants to protect all of us.
- Well, whatever she chooses,
the Wall will be stable and--
Tim!
Oh god, he's dead!
- The cricket is back!
- Tim... is dead!
- Cherie? No, this isn't possible. How?
- What is she doing?
- I don't know!
- You're all grown-ass adults
who were shrunk down, just like me.
And you deserve the truth.
There is a hole in the back of the Wall!
- No, no, not like this.
- I know because Tim tried to kill me.
He pushed me through that hole
into the backyard.
For the past year,
I've been fighting my way back,
fueled by revenge.
But when I got here,
Tim was already sick and dying.
He had convinced you
that this Wall was safe,
when it was really a prison.
That cycle ends now.
Follow me. I'll show everyone
the hole to the backyard!
- Go bang a loveseat!
- And now, for my talent,
I own the Platinum Beyblade Burst 800,
Takara Tomy edition!
The counter-clockwise spin
makes this Beyblade
faster than any on the market,
and this icy blue cyclone ridge here?
That's all stamina, baby.
This Beyblade won't stop for nothin'.
Behold!
Ooh!
- I know this was supposed
to be a talent show,
but that is the sweetest Beyblade
I've ever seen.
Yumyulack wins!
- Wow, Yumyulack!
That is one rare Beyblade.
You must've cleaned up on all those bets!
- Of course he did, because he knows
school drama better than anyone.
How do you know so much
about the teenage heart?
- Don't tell anyone, but you know
that uglier alien I hang out with, Jesse?
She's a loser who's obsessed
with other people's lives.
I tricked her into giving me intel.
Smart, right?
Oh shit. She's standing
right behind me, isn't she?
Oh shit, she's behind
the curtain, isn't she?
Oh shit. I accidentally
butt dialed her, didn't I?
- No, man, she's hovering
above you in a Lakitu cloud.
- Wow. Here I am, in the Lakitu cloud
I wanted to share with you.
But now? No way, Jose.
No more hanging out with this sucker.
- Damn! I never would have bagged on you
if I knew I'd get caught!
- Sweet talk like that isn't going
to work this time.
Don't follow me!
- Jesse!
Don't waste that whole Lakitu cloud
on being sour!
Come on! Let me use you!
What's wrong, baby girl?
Did someone finally notice
you have a Minnesota accent
even though you're from outer space?
- I thought Yumyulack and I were bonding,
but he was just using me.
Hey, don't cry.
Yumyulack's a piece of shit.
We all hate his ass so much.
- But he was right!
I only pay attention
to other kids at school
because I don't have
a crazy sexcapade of my own.
I got all sorts of sexcapades
in my cold metal innards,
you want one?
- Thanks, Aisha, but this is high school.
I don't think you understand what we like.
How about Korean pop sensations BTK?
Wait, did you mean BTS?
I can't afford BTS,
get the fuck outta here.
- I mean, I'd rather it be BTS.
Do you wanna do seven minutes in heaven
with a South Korean boy band or not?
- Let's... get... awkward.
- It's hardly drifting at all.
We're looking good.
- I'm going to put acupuncture needles
in your spine to keep you alert.
- Bonus. Hit me.
- Goddammit.
Hey! You're gonna need to get
off my property right now
or shit is gonna get real-real
real fast.
- We will, Glen.
As soon as our bullet comes down.
- Yeah, chill out, Glen.
We're on collectible bullet business here.
- Nobody disrespects the Glen.
This ends now.
Prepare for Glen Justice.
Hey. Get off my property. Hey. Hey. Hey.
- Cut it out! I'm trying to peep!
- Glen, quit it!
Your feeble slapping won't move
the needle, and you know it.
- Oh-ho-ho, which bullet is it, Terry?
That one?
One of those?
- Nice try.
- Those bullets are way too cheap
to be seen from a distance, you asshole.
- Bless your timeline with this, simps!
Ya boy paid for this sick swag
with bets I won by myself!
- Oh. Where am I? Wha-what's going on?
- Scholastic Headquarters.
Or what's left of it anyway.
- My eye!
- The school book fair industry is dying
because of fucks like you.
- W-what did I do? I can hardly even read!
- When students spend
all their money on high school bets,
they don't spend money on books.
- Kids can do whatever they want
with their money.
Scholastic doesn't own them.
- Oh really? Bring him out.
Meet Andy St. Clair.
He started a fundraiser for the homeless.
All his classmates donated
their allowances to that
instead of Scholastic.
Waldos? How many copies
of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie
did that cost us?
You have one week to get me my money,
or it's "one fish, two fish,
dead fish... you fish."
- There it is, the path to freedom.
Nobody can keep it from you anymore.
But it's dangerous.
- Praise be unto Cherie
for showing us this Glory Hole.
She should be our new leader!
- No!
No. I refuse. No more leaders.
- But we need you.
- Let me out of here! I need
to breathe fresh air and eat Chipotle!
- I told you it was dangerous.
Look, before you decide to leave,
just hear me out.
What we need is a government of people
elected by each level of the Wall.
One you don't build with
mid-century modern cardboard houses
or gardens made from Kind Bar seeds.
We built it with people, with love,
and with the motherfucking truth.
- Jesse, where are you?
Whoa, you're all that!
- I did seven minutes in heaven with BTK,
and then I did it again
for a full 14.
I am a loser who cares
about other people's stories no more!
- Jesse, you can't do this to me!
- Sucks to suck, suckface!
Eat this kitty with a spoon!
- I'm sorry about everything.
You were right, I got into betting
because I was hurt about Annie.
I was never her bae.
I was embarrassed to be a stupid joke,
and I was covering it up.
But I took it too far.
And now Scholastic is on my ass.
I gotta place the biggest bet
the school has ever seen,
or a couple of Waldos are gonna make sure
I have a terrible, horrible,
no good, very bad day.
- I'm too evolved to care
about that stuff, Yumyulack.
- I really did want to fly around
in that Lakitu cloud with you,
and now I never will.
- You really did?
- Of course. That cloud can go anywhere.
- I may not know what kids do
in high school anymore,
but I know who does.
The movies.
- Really?
Aren't they made by out-of-touch
rich old white guys?
- Nah, they're super accurate.
- Wow, I should have watched
'80s teen movies a long time ago!
Now I know everything about school,
and how I'm going to get that money.
Only tricky part is
where to find a teen wolf.
- I've got you covered.
- Brah, you really bet 50-to-1
that all these things are gonna happen
at the game tonight?
- Yeah, I did.
Because I believe in miracles.
I believe there's magic
in this world and--
- Holy shit, what an idiot!
- We'll take that bet!
Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
- No, Pupa. Don't bet on this.
It's a scam.
- Oh my god, Korvo. It's coming back down!
Our bullet is coming home
to papa and papa!
- I lined a bucket
with a bulletproof vest.
- Oh yeah, my man! Thinking like that's
why you're team leader.
It's getting closer! It's--
Ohh!
- Fuck yeah! Wooo!
- No! I lost it! I lost it!
- Fuck! Why did you do that, you asshole?
- Because America, bitch.
I do what I want!
Y'all are just dumb aliens,
and you need to respect cars
if you're gonna live here!
Car culture rules!
Eat my ass!
- Oh, there it is!
It's in his foot!
- Yes! We got the bullet back!
Glen's shattered foot bones cushioned it.
- Oh no!
Help! I've been shot! Aliens shot me!
Help!
- You really think that was the best plan?
To just give it all up?
- I don't know, but I can't hide Pezlie
while also being the leader.
Secrets like that never last.
- You know, people will go out that hole.
They could get hurt.
- Yeah, they will.
But that's part of the price
you pay for freedom.
Nothing will be the same anymore.
Yes, people will go and try to find
a way to get big again.
I don't know if they'll make it
out of the side yard,
but we are Wallians,
resilience is what we do.
Those who choose to stay are going
to build a better world.
No one person is going to save us.
We're going to save each other.
- Hmm. They really cleaned it up.
- Well, after all that talk
about not leading, here you are.
- Blame it on level 12.
People wrote me in.
- Welcome! Please, take your seats.
What an exciting
and historic moment for us all.
So many lives were lost
on our journey to get this far.
Souls we'll never forget.
Life here can be hard.
But with you, a stable government
for the first time ever,
the people of the Wall
can finally live in peace.
- Whoa, that alien is "Pretty in Pink."
And I just "Came to America"
in my "Pants".
- Jesse, if I get killed today
by a beloved children's book character,
I need you to know that I have
a secret family in Austin.
You gotta track them down,
tell them I love them,
and also that I'm an alien.
Mrs. Perry is kissing Dylan!
That's not part of the plan!
Wait for it.
- I'm not a student,
I'm an undercover journalist
writing an expose on TILFs.
- You stole our routine!
You don't respect
our unconventional dancing style!
- It's working! All we have to do
is win the big game!
- Don't jinx it!
Two Teen Wolfs!
No, no, no, no, no!
This can't be happening!
I am fucked!
- Oh shit!
We gotta jet! Pronto, chachi!
- Holy shit, who would have predicted
that both teams would have a Teen Wolf?
- So why the fuck would you make
a side bet with this little shit-stain
that that would happen?
He's taking all our money.
- Fuck you, Clark.
- No, fuck you, Mark.
You hamburgered the goddamn Hamburgers!
- Take that back!
- If we hurry, we can jump in the river
and float to Mexico!
- It'll take a couple of months,
but it's hard to run
and plan at the same time!
- Where's my $82,000.63?
- I have the sixty-three cents
and a great idea for an X-rated
Clifford the Big Red Dog parody
you can have for free
as long as I retain the TV rights.
- This is the Magic Knife Bus.
Time for it to take
an educational adventure
into the wonders of your chest!
- Pupa's in the house!
- Pupa! You gotta spot me
some of that cash, quick!
- Beyblade.
- What?
No way. That Beyblade is worth
way more than--
- For cryin' out loud,
just give him the top!
- It's a battle top
with a frost-powered cyclone ridge!
- Stop Beysplaining
and just fuckin' do it.
- Next time, think twice before you fuck
with the children's publishing cartel,
ya little shit rag.
- Yay!
- What's the statute of limitations
on being indirectly involved
in the shooting of a man's foot?
- Bing says seven years,
but Facebook is still saying
Biden lost the election.
- Okay. All we have to do is
hide Glen away somewhere
for seven years,
and we'll be in the clear.
- Call an ambulance already!
- Where can we hide someone
for seven years
without anyone hearing him
scream for help?
- Oh god, oh god.
- We could--
- Shoot him into orbit
in a Glen-sized cryochamber
to circle the earth in suspended animation
until the statute of limitations
has passed?
- And then after that, we make out?
- Maybe.
- That means no.
- No, it means... maybe.
- No, no, no. Stop, stop!
Don't do this! Please.
In, in retrospect, I shouldn't
have fetishized my car.
It's my fault. Help! It's my fault.
Really, I'm insecure! Please, I'm sorry.
Please don't do this!
- Think of it as your Eat Pray Love!
- Help! Please, please.
I don't want to be in orbit!
I don't want to be in orbit!
- Is he going to be okay up there?
- Sure. My calculations are never wrong.
Unless someone put
an unregistered satellite in orbit.
Hold up those heels, Terry.
Yass, niece!
- You know, you gotta admit
we make a pretty good team.
- I don't know
which has brought us closer:
our bullet or our OnlyFans.
- Thanks for trying to save
my ass with Scholastic
after I was such a dick.
That was really cool of you.
- I had to.
You're the closest equivalent
I have to a brother.
I just wish I knew where
that second Teen Wolf came from.
Pupa lucked out.
Without it, he would never
have gotten that Beyblade.
- You think all those other kids
we forced into movie situations
will turn out okay?
- What do I look like, a fortune teller?
Marone!
- Where am I? Where's my car?
- You're under arrest for flying
an unlicensed cryo pod
in a residential nebula.
- Punk.
on my sleeve, check it out.
It's the tribal symbol for "Digiorno."
- It's so cool that it's not delivery.
Attention students.
As we do every month,
it's time to announce
the winner of Best Couple.
Give it up for Annie and Yumyulack!
- Fuck yeah, brah.
- Fuckin' told you, son.
- All y'all bitches need
to pay up right now.
- Bae, what's going on here?
- Bae, there's something
I have to tell you.
- Bae, you can tell me anything
within the 2000-5000 Hz frequency range.
Otherwise, it's just static.
- Bae, everyone at school
decided to place a bet
that I'm so hot, I could win
Best Couple with anyone,
even a Q-tip-shaped, rough draft
Pixar-looking motherfucker like you.
- Oh.
- But there's one thing I didn't bet on.
Actually falling in love with you.
- I can't frickin' believe this.
- It's okay if you're mad. I get it.
- I'm not mad. I didn't know
you could bet on high school stuff!
That's awesome!
I'm gonna gamble on everything!
- I don't think that's the lesson
you should be--
- It's time to get all Molly's Game
up in this bitch!
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is-- this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
They get so excited about going to Mars.
Have you ever been to Mars?
I-I-I went to Mars one time.
Not so cool. Not even a Starbucks.
- Feel, Korvy! These Ped Eggs are amazing!
I scraped all the plaque off my feet,
and I can taste the floor again!
- Terry, you got your flakes
all over the floor. That's disgusting.
- Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
- If this is what I think it is,
I'm going to literally shit my teeth off.
- It's here!
Our one-of-a-kind Crystal Skull
Vodka-brand bullet signed by Mark Hamill
that we won from that auction on eBay!
- She's more beautiful
than I ever imagined.
- Let's go get some photos so I can make
my bullet group on Facebook
seethe with jealousy.
Who's got the most collectable
ammunition now, Denise?
Ya fat bitch!
Ooh! Let's go take a photo
like we're in Charlie's Angels!
- Don't mind me, just channeling
hard Lucy Liu vibes over here.
- Wait, we're not doing
the Kristen Stewart one?
- No! That's two reboots too far.
- No! Fuck! Our bullet!
I shot our priceless bullet!
- Goddammit, Terry!
That bullet was one of a kind!
You don't just find vodka merch
signed by stars
of Uber Eats commercials every day!
- Wait, I can see it!
- What?
- I shot it straight up,
and my eyesight is really good
because I masturbate a lot.
- Don't stop staring at it.
Is-is it coming down yet?
- It's not a shitty "shoot in the air
when the Dodgers win
the World Series"-type bullet, Korvo.
This thing is aerodynamic as hell.
it's gonna be up there for a while!
Shit. Keep an eye on it!
We have to catch it before it hits
the ground and loses half its value.
- Okay, It's still going up.
I can do this.
Just make sure nothing distracts me.
- I'm on it!
- What's with the comically large
suit of armor?
- We have an amazing plan!
It's for Cherie.
It'll make her look huge, right?
- I mean, yeah, if she can move in it.
Who's she fighting?
- It's designed to inspire,
not for battle.
She can wear it when she takes over
as leader of the Wall.
- We're thinking of calling her
"The Duchess."
Eh? It's good, right?
- Are you hearing this?
This is just the Duke all over again!
No, when she tells everyone she's back
and Tim's dead, she has to be herself.
- I know these people.
They want someone divine,
someone larger than life to lead them,
like Cher or Peanut,
the Jeff Dunham puppet.
- She's already coming back from the dead.
- Which is why the suit
will seal the deal.
- But they deserve an honest leader.
Someone accessible,
like George Washington or Dr. Dre.
Early Dre, not sellout Dre.
Although, he does make
a damn good headphone.
- All I know is we have
to keep Pezlie out of it.
She needs to stay hidden and safe.
- We all agree on that.
Nobody needs to know
about this little angel.
- So, which is it going to be?
Lead as yourself--
- Or as a savior?
In a bangin' suit of armor.
- Yummers, you okay?
I heard about what happened with Annie.
I'm assuming you're going to do
some fucked up sci-fi revenge now?
- Nah, I'm fine.
- Wait, really?
- The only thing I'm upset about
is that it took me this long
to figure out people can make money
off dumb high school bets.
- Well, silver lining:
now that you're single, you could come
to the JV Mock Model UN tomorrow with me.
Or maybe we can float around together
in my Lakitu cloud?
I bought it with the club Nintendo points
the government sent out
during the recession.
- Hell no.
I don't do afterschool activities.
I am an afterschool activity.
- Hey, look, it's fucknut number one.
- What's up, turdsquirt?
- Good one.
I heard about the betting, and I want in.
- Aw, the baby thinks he can bet
with the big boys.
- Nobody wins a social politics bet
against Mark and Clark Hamburger.
What do you got?
- Fifty bucks says those
totally different kids over there,
the princess, the brain, the bad boy,
the athlete, and the freak,
will never become friends.
- Goddammit.
But they're all so different
from each other!
How could they form a bond?
- Don't you know how high school works?
- Pay up, taint hair.
- He said pay up, stank wad.
- I can't. We have a gold machine,
but I got addicted
to girlfriend experiences last year
and I made too much gold,
which reduced the scarcity,
so now all gold is worthless.
- Yeah, right, I've heard
that bullshit before.
Looks like it's time to get burgered!
- No! Stop burgering me!
I can't breathe under all this
meat-themed bullying!
Oh!
T-t-triple or nothing?
- What did you just say?
- Triple or nothing.
Any bet. I choose.
- Deal.
And this time, when you lose,
you better have that money,
or we'll dig you out an asshole
just so we can fill it with firecrackers.
- You a king, Terry.
Let's get some Visine
on those squiggly pupils.
- Whoa, wind's shifting a bit.
- It's probably hitting
the maximum height. Keep staring.
- I got it.
I got it.
- Hey! Hey, fuckin' aliens!
Did you just touch my fucking car?
- Calm down, Glen, it was an accident.
Terry's keeping an eye on our
Crystal Skull vodka-brand bullet
that we shot into the sky,
and his elbow lightly grazed your car
as he was adjusting his position.
- I don't know
what the fuck words you just said.
All I know is nobody touches my car.
You got it?
- That's all you know?
It's a miracle you've survived this long.
- Gah!
- Geez, Yum, you look wrecked.
- Maybe because those sociopathic
Hamburger brothers
are going to kill me
in the most homoerotic way possible.
- I guess Mark's still upset
because he and his Betty just broke up.
They murdered
an ophthalmologist last summer,
and the guilt was too much to bear.
- Wait, you understand
all this school social stuff?
- Oh yeah, I love hot goss.
At any one time,
I can name the five seniors
with vodka-dipped tampons in their butts.
- I think I will go with you to that
JV Mock Model UN meeting after all.
- You want to spend time
doing the things I like,
with no ulterior motive?
- I don't know what "ulterior" means,
so I can honestly say "Hell yes!"
- Yay!
- Holy shitballs.
That's the sexiest
motherfucking Beyblade I've ever seen.
- Oh, not just any Beyblade, Jesse.
This is the Platinum Beyblade Burst 800,
Takara Tomy edition.
- I gotta be honest,
I'm gooshing over here.
- Get your dirty hands
off the merch, Pupa!
- Ooh.
- This is going to take my gambling
to the next level!
- Wait right here, Sister. We're just
packaging up your order right now.
I threw in an extra Swedish Fish,
on the house.
- May the bow be with you.
- Look, whatever Cherie does,
I just ask that you support her.
- Of course. Not everyone is comfortable
with sainthood.
- She's been through a lot,
but at her core,
she just wants to protect all of us.
- Well, whatever she chooses,
the Wall will be stable and--
Tim!
Oh god, he's dead!
- The cricket is back!
- Tim... is dead!
- Cherie? No, this isn't possible. How?
- What is she doing?
- I don't know!
- You're all grown-ass adults
who were shrunk down, just like me.
And you deserve the truth.
There is a hole in the back of the Wall!
- No, no, not like this.
- I know because Tim tried to kill me.
He pushed me through that hole
into the backyard.
For the past year,
I've been fighting my way back,
fueled by revenge.
But when I got here,
Tim was already sick and dying.
He had convinced you
that this Wall was safe,
when it was really a prison.
That cycle ends now.
Follow me. I'll show everyone
the hole to the backyard!
- Go bang a loveseat!
- And now, for my talent,
I own the Platinum Beyblade Burst 800,
Takara Tomy edition!
The counter-clockwise spin
makes this Beyblade
faster than any on the market,
and this icy blue cyclone ridge here?
That's all stamina, baby.
This Beyblade won't stop for nothin'.
Behold!
Ooh!
- I know this was supposed
to be a talent show,
but that is the sweetest Beyblade
I've ever seen.
Yumyulack wins!
- Wow, Yumyulack!
That is one rare Beyblade.
You must've cleaned up on all those bets!
- Of course he did, because he knows
school drama better than anyone.
How do you know so much
about the teenage heart?
- Don't tell anyone, but you know
that uglier alien I hang out with, Jesse?
She's a loser who's obsessed
with other people's lives.
I tricked her into giving me intel.
Smart, right?
Oh shit. She's standing
right behind me, isn't she?
Oh shit, she's behind
the curtain, isn't she?
Oh shit. I accidentally
butt dialed her, didn't I?
- No, man, she's hovering
above you in a Lakitu cloud.
- Wow. Here I am, in the Lakitu cloud
I wanted to share with you.
But now? No way, Jose.
No more hanging out with this sucker.
- Damn! I never would have bagged on you
if I knew I'd get caught!
- Sweet talk like that isn't going
to work this time.
Don't follow me!
- Jesse!
Don't waste that whole Lakitu cloud
on being sour!
Come on! Let me use you!
What's wrong, baby girl?
Did someone finally notice
you have a Minnesota accent
even though you're from outer space?
- I thought Yumyulack and I were bonding,
but he was just using me.
Hey, don't cry.
Yumyulack's a piece of shit.
We all hate his ass so much.
- But he was right!
I only pay attention
to other kids at school
because I don't have
a crazy sexcapade of my own.
I got all sorts of sexcapades
in my cold metal innards,
you want one?
- Thanks, Aisha, but this is high school.
I don't think you understand what we like.
How about Korean pop sensations BTK?
Wait, did you mean BTS?
I can't afford BTS,
get the fuck outta here.
- I mean, I'd rather it be BTS.
Do you wanna do seven minutes in heaven
with a South Korean boy band or not?
- Let's... get... awkward.
- It's hardly drifting at all.
We're looking good.
- I'm going to put acupuncture needles
in your spine to keep you alert.
- Bonus. Hit me.
- Goddammit.
Hey! You're gonna need to get
off my property right now
or shit is gonna get real-real
real fast.
- We will, Glen.
As soon as our bullet comes down.
- Yeah, chill out, Glen.
We're on collectible bullet business here.
- Nobody disrespects the Glen.
This ends now.
Prepare for Glen Justice.
Hey. Get off my property. Hey. Hey. Hey.
- Cut it out! I'm trying to peep!
- Glen, quit it!
Your feeble slapping won't move
the needle, and you know it.
- Oh-ho-ho, which bullet is it, Terry?
That one?
One of those?
- Nice try.
- Those bullets are way too cheap
to be seen from a distance, you asshole.
- Bless your timeline with this, simps!
Ya boy paid for this sick swag
with bets I won by myself!
- Oh. Where am I? Wha-what's going on?
- Scholastic Headquarters.
Or what's left of it anyway.
- My eye!
- The school book fair industry is dying
because of fucks like you.
- W-what did I do? I can hardly even read!
- When students spend
all their money on high school bets,
they don't spend money on books.
- Kids can do whatever they want
with their money.
Scholastic doesn't own them.
- Oh really? Bring him out.
Meet Andy St. Clair.
He started a fundraiser for the homeless.
All his classmates donated
their allowances to that
instead of Scholastic.
Waldos? How many copies
of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie
did that cost us?
You have one week to get me my money,
or it's "one fish, two fish,
dead fish... you fish."
- There it is, the path to freedom.
Nobody can keep it from you anymore.
But it's dangerous.
- Praise be unto Cherie
for showing us this Glory Hole.
She should be our new leader!
- No!
No. I refuse. No more leaders.
- But we need you.
- Let me out of here! I need
to breathe fresh air and eat Chipotle!
- I told you it was dangerous.
Look, before you decide to leave,
just hear me out.
What we need is a government of people
elected by each level of the Wall.
One you don't build with
mid-century modern cardboard houses
or gardens made from Kind Bar seeds.
We built it with people, with love,
and with the motherfucking truth.
- Jesse, where are you?
Whoa, you're all that!
- I did seven minutes in heaven with BTK,
and then I did it again
for a full 14.
I am a loser who cares
about other people's stories no more!
- Jesse, you can't do this to me!
- Sucks to suck, suckface!
Eat this kitty with a spoon!
- I'm sorry about everything.
You were right, I got into betting
because I was hurt about Annie.
I was never her bae.
I was embarrassed to be a stupid joke,
and I was covering it up.
But I took it too far.
And now Scholastic is on my ass.
I gotta place the biggest bet
the school has ever seen,
or a couple of Waldos are gonna make sure
I have a terrible, horrible,
no good, very bad day.
- I'm too evolved to care
about that stuff, Yumyulack.
- I really did want to fly around
in that Lakitu cloud with you,
and now I never will.
- You really did?
- Of course. That cloud can go anywhere.
- I may not know what kids do
in high school anymore,
but I know who does.
The movies.
- Really?
Aren't they made by out-of-touch
rich old white guys?
- Nah, they're super accurate.
- Wow, I should have watched
'80s teen movies a long time ago!
Now I know everything about school,
and how I'm going to get that money.
Only tricky part is
where to find a teen wolf.
- I've got you covered.
- Brah, you really bet 50-to-1
that all these things are gonna happen
at the game tonight?
- Yeah, I did.
Because I believe in miracles.
I believe there's magic
in this world and--
- Holy shit, what an idiot!
- We'll take that bet!
Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
- No, Pupa. Don't bet on this.
It's a scam.
- Oh my god, Korvo. It's coming back down!
Our bullet is coming home
to papa and papa!
- I lined a bucket
with a bulletproof vest.
- Oh yeah, my man! Thinking like that's
why you're team leader.
It's getting closer! It's--
Ohh!
- Fuck yeah! Wooo!
- No! I lost it! I lost it!
- Fuck! Why did you do that, you asshole?
- Because America, bitch.
I do what I want!
Y'all are just dumb aliens,
and you need to respect cars
if you're gonna live here!
Car culture rules!
Eat my ass!
- Oh, there it is!
It's in his foot!
- Yes! We got the bullet back!
Glen's shattered foot bones cushioned it.
- Oh no!
Help! I've been shot! Aliens shot me!
Help!
- You really think that was the best plan?
To just give it all up?
- I don't know, but I can't hide Pezlie
while also being the leader.
Secrets like that never last.
- You know, people will go out that hole.
They could get hurt.
- Yeah, they will.
But that's part of the price
you pay for freedom.
Nothing will be the same anymore.
Yes, people will go and try to find
a way to get big again.
I don't know if they'll make it
out of the side yard,
but we are Wallians,
resilience is what we do.
Those who choose to stay are going
to build a better world.
No one person is going to save us.
We're going to save each other.
- Hmm. They really cleaned it up.
- Well, after all that talk
about not leading, here you are.
- Blame it on level 12.
People wrote me in.
- Welcome! Please, take your seats.
What an exciting
and historic moment for us all.
So many lives were lost
on our journey to get this far.
Souls we'll never forget.
Life here can be hard.
But with you, a stable government
for the first time ever,
the people of the Wall
can finally live in peace.
- Whoa, that alien is "Pretty in Pink."
And I just "Came to America"
in my "Pants".
- Jesse, if I get killed today
by a beloved children's book character,
I need you to know that I have
a secret family in Austin.
You gotta track them down,
tell them I love them,
and also that I'm an alien.
Mrs. Perry is kissing Dylan!
That's not part of the plan!
Wait for it.
- I'm not a student,
I'm an undercover journalist
writing an expose on TILFs.
- You stole our routine!
You don't respect
our unconventional dancing style!
- It's working! All we have to do
is win the big game!
- Don't jinx it!
Two Teen Wolfs!
No, no, no, no, no!
This can't be happening!
I am fucked!
- Oh shit!
We gotta jet! Pronto, chachi!
- Holy shit, who would have predicted
that both teams would have a Teen Wolf?
- So why the fuck would you make
a side bet with this little shit-stain
that that would happen?
He's taking all our money.
- Fuck you, Clark.
- No, fuck you, Mark.
You hamburgered the goddamn Hamburgers!
- Take that back!
- If we hurry, we can jump in the river
and float to Mexico!
- It'll take a couple of months,
but it's hard to run
and plan at the same time!
- Where's my $82,000.63?
- I have the sixty-three cents
and a great idea for an X-rated
Clifford the Big Red Dog parody
you can have for free
as long as I retain the TV rights.
- This is the Magic Knife Bus.
Time for it to take
an educational adventure
into the wonders of your chest!
- Pupa's in the house!
- Pupa! You gotta spot me
some of that cash, quick!
- Beyblade.
- What?
No way. That Beyblade is worth
way more than--
- For cryin' out loud,
just give him the top!
- It's a battle top
with a frost-powered cyclone ridge!
- Stop Beysplaining
and just fuckin' do it.
- Next time, think twice before you fuck
with the children's publishing cartel,
ya little shit rag.
- Yay!
- What's the statute of limitations
on being indirectly involved
in the shooting of a man's foot?
- Bing says seven years,
but Facebook is still saying
Biden lost the election.
- Okay. All we have to do is
hide Glen away somewhere
for seven years,
and we'll be in the clear.
- Call an ambulance already!
- Where can we hide someone
for seven years
without anyone hearing him
scream for help?
- Oh god, oh god.
- We could--
- Shoot him into orbit
in a Glen-sized cryochamber
to circle the earth in suspended animation
until the statute of limitations
has passed?
- And then after that, we make out?
- Maybe.
- That means no.
- No, it means... maybe.
- No, no, no. Stop, stop!
Don't do this! Please.
In, in retrospect, I shouldn't
have fetishized my car.
It's my fault. Help! It's my fault.
Really, I'm insecure! Please, I'm sorry.
Please don't do this!
- Think of it as your Eat Pray Love!
- Help! Please, please.
I don't want to be in orbit!
I don't want to be in orbit!
- Is he going to be okay up there?
- Sure. My calculations are never wrong.
Unless someone put
an unregistered satellite in orbit.
Hold up those heels, Terry.
Yass, niece!
- You know, you gotta admit
we make a pretty good team.
- I don't know
which has brought us closer:
our bullet or our OnlyFans.
- Thanks for trying to save
my ass with Scholastic
after I was such a dick.
That was really cool of you.
- I had to.
You're the closest equivalent
I have to a brother.
I just wish I knew where
that second Teen Wolf came from.
Pupa lucked out.
Without it, he would never
have gotten that Beyblade.
- You think all those other kids
we forced into movie situations
will turn out okay?
- What do I look like, a fortune teller?
Marone!
- Where am I? Where's my car?
- You're under arrest for flying
an unlicensed cryo pod
in a residential nebula.
- Punk.