Soap (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 9 - Episode #1.9 - full transcript

THIS IS THE STORY
OF 2 SISTERS,

JESSICA TATE

AND MARY CAMPBELL.

JESSICA LIVES IN
A NEIGHBORHOOD
KNOWN AS RICH.

JESSICA LIKES LIFE.

THE ONLY THING ABOUT LIFE
SHE WOULD CHANGE,
IF SHE COULD,

IS THAT SHE WOULD
SET IT ALL TO MUSIC.

THE TATES HAVE MORE SECRETS
THAN THEY DO MONEY.

WE'RE APPROACHING
MARY CAMPBELL'S HOUSE.

MARY, TOO, LIKES LIFE.

UNFORTUNATELY,
LIFE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
TOO CRAZY ABOUT HER.



AS YOU CAN SEE, THE CAMPBELLS
DON'T HAVE NEARLY
AS MUCH MONEY AS THE TATES.

THEY DO, HOWEVER,
HAVE AS MANY SECRETS.

IN LAST WEEK'S EPISODE
OF SOAP,

DANNY, UNABLE TO KILL BURT,
NOW HAS TO RUN FOR HIS LIFE,

SO THE MOB WON'T KILL HIM.

SINCE THIS NEWS
WOULD KILL HIS MOTHER,

DANNY TOLD HER
THAT HE WAS GOING OFF
TO BE A SPY.

SO FAR HE'S MANAGED
TO FOOL MARY, BUT NOT THE MOB,

BECAUSE WHEN DANNY
APPEARED IN DISGUISE
AT THE TATE DINNER PARTY,

THE MOB TRIED TO KILL HIM.

FORTUNATELY, DANNY GOT AWAY.

UNFORTUNATELY,
BOB, THE DUMMY, GOT HIT.

CONFUSED?

YOU WON'T BE AFTER
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF...



SOAP.

I WAS NEVER
SO EMBARRASSED
IN MY LIFE.

DID YOU HEAR HIM?
HE TELLS THEM
THE REAL REASON HE'S HERE.

THEY'RE GONNA KNOW, BURT.

WHEN I COME IN
WEARING BLUE
AND GO OUT WEARING PINK,

THEY'RE GONNA KNOW.

JEEZ, BE QUIET, MAN,
THERE ARE PEOPLE AROUND.

I HATE IT HERE.
THERE ARE GERMS
ALL OVER THIS PLACE.

DARLING, DO YOU WANT
TO WAIT DOWNSTAIRS?

IT'S DEPRESSING.
EVERYBODY LOOKS SICK.

BURT, IT'S A HOSPITAL.

WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU CAN
PICK UP HERE?

LOOK AT HIM.
WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'S GOT.

ENGINE TROUBLE.
I GOT A LITTLE ENGINE TROUBLE.

OH, WELL, HI.
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.

I'M SORRY
IF WE WOKE YOU.

THAT'S OK.
I'M GLAD.
I THOUGHT I WAS DEAD.

BARNEY GERBER.
HEART.

JODIE DALLAS.

APPENDICITIS.

BURT, I'M IN
FOR A SEX CHANGE.

WHY DO YOU WANNA CHANGE SEX?

IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY,
IT WAS PRETTY TERRIFIC.

NO. I'M IN
FOR A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION.

OH, NO KIDDING.

UH, HE'S HER SON,
NOT MINE.
IT'S HER BOY.

WELL, NOT FOR LONG.

SO, A SEX CHANGE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

OF COURSE,
I SAW THAT ONCE
ON A TELEVISION SHOW.

BILL BIXBY WENT IN
AND AFTER THE COMMERCIAL
SALLY FIELD CAME OUT.

YOU SEE, I... I HAVE 3 SONS,
REAL SONS, YOU KNOW,
REALLY MEN SONS.

LOOK, LET ME GET
THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU'RE A FAIGELE.

WHAT?

YOU'RE A FAIGELE,
A HOMO BOY.

RIGHT.

UGH!

AH, MISTER,
TAKE IT EASY.
NICE IS WHAT COUNTS.

HELLO!

HI, THERE, MR. G.

ARE WE FEELING
BETTER TODAY?

WE? WHAT ARE YOU
ALL OF A SUDDEN,
MY PARTNER?

AND HOW MANY TIMES
DID WE GO TO THE BATHROOM?

YOU, I DON'T KNOW.
I WENT TWICE.

AND IT WAS
A LONG EXHAUSTING TRIP
FOR NOTHING.

OK, I'M GOING
TO TAKE SOME BLOOD NOW.

TAKE HIS.
I GOT NO MORE LEFT.

EXCUSE US.

LISTEN, I CAN'T
STAND THIS.
BLOOD, HEARTS...

MARY, I GOTTA GET
OUTTA HERE.

I'LL MEET YOU
DOWNSTAIRS.

OK.

ARE YOU SURE
ABOUT THIS?

YEAH.

WELL, YOU TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF.

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH.

YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE SURE?

YES, MA.

OH, GOD. IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

MA, IT'S NOT
YOUR FAULT.

IT IS. IT MUST BE.
I'M YOUR MOTHER.

WHEN THINGS GO WRONG,
THEY BLAME THE MOTHER.

ASK ANYONE.
IT'S A KNOWN FACT.

PSYCHIATRISTS GET RICH
BLAMING MOTHERS.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

MAYBE IT WAS
THE PIANO LESSONS.

MOM, YOU HAVE BEEN
A TERRIFIC MOTHER.

IT'S JUST THE WAY
THINGS TURNED OUT.

LOOK, I'M HEALTHY
AND I'M HAPPY.

FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT.

YOU OK?

I BETTER GO.
BURT'S PROBABLY
THROWING UP IN THE LOBBY.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

OK.

YOU'LL STILL BE...

I'LL STILL BE, MA.

IT'S JUST SOME TESTS
THEY'RE DOING NOW.

OK.

I LOVE YOU, MA.

OH, I LOVE YOU, TOO.

MAYBE THAT'S IT.
MAYBE I LOVED
YOU TOO MUCH.

GET OUTTA HERE!

SEE YOU LATER.

OK.

YOO-HOO! WOULD YOU PLEASE
OPEN UP THIS CURTAIN?

I HATE THIS
BACKSTAGE LIFE, HERE.

AH.

YOU KNOW,
AFTER ALL THE YEARS
OF RESEARCH, MONEY, DRUGS,

AH, YOU KNOW, WHAT REALLY
KEEPS ME ALIVE?

THAT GIRLIE.

WHO?

NANCY NIGHTINGALE,
OR WHATEVER HER NAME IS.

I TAKE ONE LOOK AT THE GIRLIE
AND ALL THE GIRLIES LIKE HER,

AND MY HEART
BEATS A LITTLE FASTER.

WHICH IS GOOD
BECAUSE IT'S HAVING
A LITTLE TROUBLE ON ITS OWN.

YOU KNOW, I TAKE ONE LOOK
AT HER AND I FORGET

THAT I'M BARNEY GERBER,
68 LAST APRIL,

WITH A HEART THAT BEATS
LIKE A STRUGGLING MOTH.

I FORGET,
BECAUSE A 25-YEAR-OLD GERBER
LOOKS, AND HE WANTS,

AND THAT'S WHAT
KEEPS ME ALIVE.
WANTING SOMETHING.

JUST... JUST THE WANTING.

WELL, THAT AND THE CORNED BEEF
MY PARTNER SNEAKS IN HERE
TWICE A WEEK.

BUT AS LONG AS YOU WANT,

AS LONG AS YOU LOOK
FORWARD TO,

KIDDO, YOU CAN LIVE FOREVER.

THEY'LL HAVE TO MURDER YOU.

YOU'RE OK,
MR. GERBER.

BARNEY.

OK? WHY SHOULDN'T I BE OK?
I GOT CORNED BEEF, A CUTIE,

AND NOW A NICE FAIGELE,
WHO, MAYBE, IF I'M LUCKY,
PLAYS GIN RUMMY.

YOU'RE LUCKY.
I'M LUCKY?

YEAH.
I GOT MAZEL?

HO, HO!
AM I GONNA HAVE FUN.

OH, NO, MORE BLOOD?
WHAT ARE YOU? A VAMPIRE?

NOT YOU,
THIS TIME, MR. G.

YOU'RE MY VICTIM.

YOUR CHART SAYS YOU'RE HERE
FOR A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION.

WHY IN THE WORLD
WOULD YOU WANT
A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION?

BOREDOM.

QUIET.

LOOK, I'M THINKING
OF GETTING ONE MYSELF
NEXT WEEK.

THEY SAY
WOMEN LIVE LONGER.

OK, MR. G.,
NAP TIME.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
YOU'RE MAKING
A BIG MISTAKE.

IS THAT A MEDICAL OPINION?

CAN I ASK YOU
A PERSONAL QUESTION?

SURE.

HAVE... HAVE YOU
EVER, UM, YOU KNOW...

WITH A WOMAN?

NO.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

OOH! I THINK I'M MISSING
SOMETHING GOOD.

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS IT.
YOU'LL TRY IT.
YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND.

WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW.
YOU'VE NEVER TRIED IT.

WE'RE REALLY VERY NICE.

HOW LONG ARE YOU
GONNA BE HERE?

2 WEEKS.

OH, GREAT.
THAT GIVES ME
PLENTY OF TIME.

I TAUGHT MY COUSIN
TO DRIVE IN 3 DAYS.
SEE YA.

INCREDIBLE.

YOU KNOW,
SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE,

IN THAT BED THERE'S BEEN
A MOVIE PRODUCER,
A LONGSHOREMAN

AND A HOCKEY PLAYER.

IN 6 WEEKS,
NONE OF THEM COULD GET
TO FIRST BASE WITH THAT CUTIE.

AND NOW, WITHOUT TRYING,
IN 5 SECONDS,
A FAIGELE SCORES.

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED
AFTER YOUR MOTHER DISAPPEARED?

MR. CAMPBELL, I UNDERSTAND
THESE THINGS ARE SOMETIMES
DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT, BUT...

MR. CAMPBELL?

OH, UH, OH, I'M SORRY.
I JUST DOZED OFF.

I DO THAT A LOT.
I CAN FALL ASLEEP LIKE THAT.

UH, SO, WHERE... WHERE WAS I?

YOU SAID WHEN YOU WERE
A LITTLE BOY, YOUR MOTHER
WENT OUT

FOR A PACK OF CAMELS ONE DAY
AND DIDN'T COME BACK
FOR 5 YEARS.

NOW, LOOK. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
MY MOTHER'S GOT
NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

I KNOW WHY I'M IMPOTENT

AND IT'S RIDICULOUS TO COME
HERE AND PAY YOU TO FIND OUT
WHAT I ALREADY KNOW.

WHY ARE YOU IMPOTENT?

I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT.

VERY OFTEN IT HELPS
JUST TO GET THESE THINGS
OFF OUR CHEST.

AND MR. CAMPBELL,
ANYTHING YOU SAY HERE IS
COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL.

YEAH? NO MATTER
HOW TERRIBLE IT IS?

THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT MR. CAMPBELL, EVERYONE
WHO COMES IN HERE

THINKS THEY'RE GOING
TO TELL ME SOMETHING I'VE
NEVER HEARD BEFORE.

AND IT NEVER HAPPENS.
WE ALL HAVE THE SAME PROBLEMS.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU HEAR.

YOU HEAR A GUY
FOOLS AROUND ON HIS WIFE.

YOU HEAR SOME GUYS
LIKE WEIRD THINGS
IN THE BEDROOM,

MAYBE 1 OR 2 FAKE WOMEN.

MAYBE SOMEBODY'S
IN LOVE WITH A GOAT.

THAT'S NOTHING.
WHAT I GOT IS BIG.
I MEAN BIG.

YOU'D BE SHOCKED.
NO, I WON'T.

YES, YOU WILL.
I GUARANTEE I WON'T.

OH, YEAH?
TRY ME.

I MURDERED
MY WIFE'S FIRST HUSBAND.

MY, THAT IS A BIG ONE.

YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU
HOW... HOW IT HAPPENED?

YOU ACTUALLY KILLED HIM?

YEAH.

SEE, I HAD
THIS CONSTRUCTION BUSINESS.
I STILL DO.

ANYWAY,
ONE DAY MY FIRST WIFE
TOOK MY KIDS AND LEFT ME.

AH, SHE JUST LEFT ME.
NO TALK, NOTHIN'.

I CAME HOME FROM WORK
AND THERE WAS A NOTE STUCK
IN THE MEATLOAF.

IT SAID,
"I'M LEAVING.
I CAN DO BETTER."

WELL, I WAS PRETTY UPSET.

I MEAN, MY WIFE WAS GONE,
MY KIDS WERE GONE.

SO I JUST THREW MYSELF
INTO THE BUSINESS, YOU KNOW.
IT BECAME EVERYTHING.

THEN ONE DAY
JOHNNY AND MARY DALLAS
COME TO ME.

THEY ASKED ME TO BUILD 'EM
A HOUSE. AND I DO.

NOW MARY,
IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

YOU KNOW, IN MY JOB,
YOU WORK VERY CLOSELY
WITH THE WIFE AND I DID.

AND I WAS WITH
HER ALL THE TIME.

AND THEN I DID LITTLE THINGS
WHEN I SAW THE JOB WAS
COMING TO AN END,

JUST TO BE WITH HER.

LIKE WHEN I PUT
IN THE KITCHEN,
I LEFT OUT THE SINK.

SHE HAD TO COME
TELL ME THE SINK WAS MISSING
SO I COULD BE WITH HER.

YEAH, I LEFT THE TOILET
OUT OF THE BATHROOM,

PUT IN A CLOSET
THAT DIDN'T OPEN, NO STAIRS,
LITTLE THINGS LIKE THAT.

ANYWAY, ONCE THE JOB
WAS FINISHED,

JOHNNY DALLAS COMES TO ME
AND SAYS HE WANTS
TO BE MY PARTNER.

HE SAYS, UH, BAD THINGS
COULD HAPPEN IF I REFUSE
AND, SURE ENOUGH,

ACCIDENTS STARTED HAPPENING.

I EVEN GOT BEATEN UP
BY 2 GOONS.

THEN I REALIZED
HE'S A MOBSTER.

THEN IT ALL MADE SENSE.

THE ACCIDENTS, THE BEATINGS,
HIS SHINY MOHAIR SUITS.

ANYWAY, THEN ONE NIGHT
AFTER WORK, I STAYED ON
AT THE CONSTRUCTION SITE

AND I... I THOUGHT
AND I GOT VERY DEPRESSED.

I MEAN I'D LOST MY WIFE,
I LOST MY KIDS,
I COULDN'T HAVE MARY,

AND NOW I WAS
GONNA LOSE MY BUSINESS.

I DECIDED TO KILL MYSELF.

I GUESS THIS IS IT.

HOLD IT!

JOHNNY DALLAS HAD
COME TO KILL ME.
IT WAS MY LAST CHANCE.

TURN OVER THE BUSINESS TO HIM
OR HE'D KILL ME.

HA, HA. WHY KILL ME?
HEY, I WAS GONNA DO IT ANYWAY.

SUICIDE, MURDER, MAKES
NO DIFFERENCE TO ME.
I'M ALL YOURS.

AND THEN I THOUGHT,
HEY, THIS IS CRAZY.
I'M JUST GIVING UP.

WHY SHOULD HE WIN?
I MEAN I'M UP HERE KILLIN'
MYSELF BECAUSE OF HIM

AND HE SAYS HE'S GONNA KILL
ME ANYWAY.

HEY, SO, WHY DON'T I
KILL THE KILLER?

THEN HE CAN'T
KILL ME.

HEY, WHY ME?
WHY NOT YOU?

BECAUSE I LIKE THAT
ARRANGEMENT BETTER.

AND SUDDENLY,
I WANTED TO LIVE.

YOU KNOW,
I'VE BEEN THINKIN'

AND NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,
I DON'T THINK I'M TOO CRAZY
ABOUT THIS ARRANGEMENT HERE.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, YOU KNOW,
LIKE IF WE WERE TO, SAY,
TAKE A VOTE

AS TO WHICH GUY SHOULD GO
OFF THIS GIRDER,

HUH, HUH, HUH, AND GIVEN
YOUR CRIMINAL RECORD AND NOT
TOO CHARMIN' PERSONALITY,

MOST PEOPLE WOULD PICK YOU.
HOWEVER, I'M SURE
A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD PICK ME.

SO RATHER THAN
STATE WHO WE ARE,

BECAUSE THE VOTE
COULD GO EITHER WAY,

WHY DON'T WE JUST
KINDA HANG AROUND
AND TALK ABOUT IT?

NO MORE TALKIN'.
WE'VE TALKED ENOUGH.

OH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S A NICE NIGHT. A FEW
MINUTES MORE WOULDN'T HURT.

YOU GIVE ME A PART
OF THIS BUSINESS, CAMPBELL,

OR IN 10 SECONDS,
YOU'LL BE PART
OF 42ND STREET...

HEY, LOOK, NOW.
TAKE IT EASY, WILL YA?

HELP!

SO I KILLED HIM.

I PUSHED HIM
OFF THE GIRDER.

YOU'VE GOT A MURDERER SITTING
IN YOUR OFFICE, DOCTOR,
RIGHT ON YOUR COUCH.

IT WAS SELF-DEFENSE.

THAT'S WHAT
I THOUGHT AT FIRST.
BUT THEN I QUESTIONED IT.

I MEAN, I LOVED HIS WIFE.
COULDN'T IT BE I JUST
WANTED TO GET RID OF HIM?

OH, I'M SURE. BUT YOU NEVER
ACTUALLY WENT OUT
AND KILLED HIM BECAUSE OF IT.

I MEAN, THERE YOU WERE,
HANGING FROM A GIRDER,
30 STORIES UP.

HE HAD A GUN
IN YOUR RIBS,
MURDER IN HIS HEART.

YOU HAD TO MAKE A CHOICE.
SO, YOU CHOSE YOUR OWN LIFE.

THIS WOULD MAKE
A TERRIFIC SCREENPLAY.

SO... SO, WHAT?
I'M NOT A MURDERER?

OF COURSE NOT.
ABSOLUTELY NOT A MURDERER.

OH, DR. MEDLOW.
I GOTTA GO NOW.

WE STILL HAVE
SOME TIME LEFT.

YEAH, I KNOW,
BUT I GOTTA GO HOME AND
SEE MARY RIGHT AWAY, YOU SEE,

I CAME HERE BECAUSE I HAD
THIS PROBLEM, YOU KNOW,
AND I COULDN'T.

WELL, NOW THE PROBLEM'S
SOLVED AND I THINK I CAN.

OF COURSE, MAYBE WHEN I
GET HOME IT MIGHT BE
THAT I CAN'T AGAIN, BUT, UH...

WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT.

I REALLY NEED THIS
IN MY LIFE, DENNIS.
I MEAN I NEED TO OPEN THIS UP

AND SEE THIS PICTURE OF YOU
LOOKING AT HER THE WAY A CAT
LOOKS AT TUNA FISH.

JODIE,
IT'S A PUBLICITY PICTURE.

NO, NOW,
DON'T TELL ME. UH, JOE NAMATH?

HEY, THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU'RE JOE NAMATH!

NO, SORRY.

LISTEN, DENNIS,
I'M HERE
BECOMING A GIRL FOR YOU,

BUT IF YOU'VE ALREADY
GOT ONE, WHAT AM I DOING?
DO YOU THINK I NEED THIS?

DO YOU THINK I'M
LOOKING FORWARD
TO RETAINING WATER?

I GOT IT.
YOU'RE MICKEY MANTLE.

NO.

JODIE, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'RE, UH, OVERREACTING
A LITTLE?

OVERREACTING? DENNIS,
THIS IS NOT CLIP THE ZINNIAS,
THEY GROW BACK NEXT SPRING.

COME ON, JODIE.
I MEAN, LOOK...

I'LL COME BACK
AND SEE YOU
IN A FEW DAYS, OK?

TAKE CARE.

0.J. SIMPSON?

OH. NO.

HI.
HI.

EUNICE.

OOH, HELLO THERE.

CORINNE.
HOW'VE YOU BEEN?

OOH, YOU GET
SUCH CUTE VISITORS.

MINE ARE ALL
OLD JEWISH PRUNES.

WHO WAS THAT GUY, JODIE?
HE LOOKED FAMILIAR.

I THOUGHT IT WAS JOE NAMATH.

YOU CAN TELL HER, JODIE.
SHE WON'T TELL ANYONE.

YOU KNOW?

JODIE, TELL ME.

I CAN'T, CORINNE.

YOU TOLD EUNICE.

WELL, WE TRADED.
SHE TOLD ME SOMETHING.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING.
AND IT'S MUCH
BETTER THAN EUNICE'S.

YOU CAN'T TELL
HIM THAT.

OH, NOT THAT.
SOMETHING ELSE.

THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE?

OOH, I WANNA HEAR THAT.

I'LL LISTEN
TO ANYTHING.

OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU
THAT ONE, BUT THIS ONE
IS PRETTY GOOD.

OOH! IS IT BETTER THAN EUNICE
AND CONGRESSMAN McCALLUM?

CONGRESSMAN WALTER McCALLUM?
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
SWEETHEART.

DON'T WORRY.
IT'S SAFE WITH ME.

WITH MY HEART,
THEY APPLAUD IF I'M
STILL ALIVE FOR DINNER.

WELL, WHAT IS IT,
CORINNE?

ONLY IF JODIE
TELLS ME
WHO THAT WAS.

OK.

AND THEN
YOU'LL TELL ME?

YEAH.

OK.

I'M IN LOVE
WITH A PRIEST.

VAI IS MIR!

WHO?

FATHER TIMOTHY FLOTSKY.

THE CLOSEST I EVER GET
TO HIM IS IN A CONFESSIONAL.

HOW'S THAT
FOR AN IMPOSSIBLE
RELATIONSHIP?

BEATS MINE.

AND MINE.

SO, WHO WAS THAT?

DENNIS PHILLIPS.

GOTT IN HIMMEL!

THE QUARTERBACK?

YOU MEAN
YOU AND HE ARE...

HEY, WAIT, WAIT.
YOU AND THE QUARTERBACK?

AND YOU AND THE PRIEST?

AND YOU
AND A MARRIED CONGRESSMAN.

AND I THOUGHT JEWS
LIKE TO SUFFER.

BENSON.

AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALONE.

HELLO, BENSON.

HI, BENSON.

HI, CORINNE.
NICE TO SEE YOU.

I WAS JUST, UH...

PASSING BY
WITH SOME STUFF.

THANKS, BENSON.

NOW DON'T THINK
IT'S 'CAUSE I LIKE YOU.

IT'S SOME DUCK IN RUM SAUCE,
AND, AH, BANANA BREAD.

WELL, I BETTER
BE GOING.

NO, NO, NO,
NO, STAY.

BENSON, WE WERE ALL
TRADING SECRETS
WHEN YOU CAME IN.

YOU CAN TRADE
SECRETS WITH US.

SECRETS?

YEAH. WE EACH TOLD
OUR BIGGEST SECRET.
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET, BENSON?

I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR THIS ONE.

MY SECRET IS
I KNOW ALL YOUR SECRETS.

DO YOU KNOW
JODIE'S SECRET?

YEAH, HE'S IN HERE
FOR A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION.
WHAT'S THE BIG SECRET IN THAT?

THAT'S NOT
HIS SECRET.

WHO'S THAT?

GERBER. HEART. WHICH GETS
WEAKER BY THE MINUTE.

I KNOW HIS SECRET.

JODIE, TELL HIM.

OK.
DENNIS PHILLIPS.

WHAT ABOUT DENNIS PHILLIPS?

I'M GOING WITH
DENNIS PHILLIPS.

WHERE?

WE'RE LOVERS, BENSON.

THE QUARTERBACK?

RIGHT.

GET OUTTA HERE.

EVERYBODY OUT.

GOODBYE.
THANK YOU, BENSON.

IT'S TIME
FOR YOUR I.V.

NOW, WHAT
WOULD YOU LIKE?
WE'VE GOT DEXTROSE,

GLUCOSE, PLASMA,
SALINE, SEVEN-UP,
DR. PEPPER AND GINGER ALE.

DANNY!

THAT'S IT.
THE PACEMAKER JUST WENT.

PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

DANNY, WHY'D YOU TELL
EVERYBODY TO LEAVE FOR?

I FIGURED THEY WOULDN'T
WANT TO STAY.

I MEAN, THE LAST
TIME I CAME AROUND,
WE ALL GOT SHOT AT.

WHO... WHO
GOT SHOT AT?

SO, HOW'RE YOU DOIN'?

OK.
GOOD.

EXCUSE ME,
WHAT ABOUT THIS SHOOTING?

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

PRETTY GOOD.
PRETTY GOOD.

I'M A LITTLE JUMPY.

I FIND MYSELF WHIRLING
AROUND A LOT WHEN I'M OUT
ON THE STREET, BUT I'M OK.

UH, LISTEN,
UH, SONNY GIRL, UH,

YOU MENTIONED ABOUT SHOOTING.
SEE, I'M A HEART PATIENT,

AND MY DOCTOR TOLD ME I SHOULD
SPECIFICALLY AVOID GUNFIRE.

FATTY FOODS AND GUNFIRE.

DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT 'CAUSE I'M LEAVING.

THANKS, GOD.

LISTEN, I'LL COME BACK
AND SEE YA IN A FEW DAYS.

WILL YA... WILL YA
STILL BE YOU?

YEAH. WELL,
WHO WILL YOU BE?

I'LL SURPRISE YA.
TAKE CARE, LITTLE BROTHER.

BYE, BIG BROTHER.

DANNY, YOUR WIG.

THANKS.

SO, UH, THAT'S
YOUR BROTHER?

WELL, HE'S A NICE BOY.
LOOKS LIKE ANNE BANCROFT.

MARY, I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, JESS, THANKS FOR COMING.
I WAS JUST SO DEPRESSED.

WELL, MARY,
HOSPITALS DEPRESS EVERYONE.

I MEAN, THEY MAKE THEM
THAT WAY ON PURPOSE,
YOU SEE,

SO SICK PEOPLE WILL GET WELL
IN A HURRY AND GO HOME.

IT'S NOT JUST THAT.

IT'S MY WHOLE LIFE.

I HAVE ONE SON
WHO'S ABOUT TO BECOME
MY DAUGHTER.

I HAVE ANOTHER SON
WHO SOMEONE'S TRYING
TO KILL.

I HAVE A LUNATIC STEPSON
AND HIS DUMMY LIVING
IN MY HOUSE

AND A HUSBAND WHO DOESN'T
WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO ME.

THAT'S NOT LIFE.
THAT'S SOMETHING BY
TENNESSEE WILLIAMS.

WELL, MARY,
AT LEAST YOU HAVE SOMETHING.

SOMETHING?

YES, WELL,
I MEAN, LOOK AT MY LIFE.

CHESTER'S ALWAYS WORKING,
SO HE'S NEVER HOME.

CORINNE HAS
MOVED IN WITH PETER,
SO SHE'S NEVER HOME.

AND EUNICE IS ALWAYS
TRAVELING AROUND,
SO SHE'S NEVER HOME.

AND BILLY'S
GROWING UP NOW, YOU KNOW,
SO HE'S NEVER HOME.

AND DADDY IS...
WELL, DADDY IS... YOU KNOW,
HE'S JUST NEVER HOME.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?
I WANDER AROUND
THAT BIG HOUSE ALL DAY LONG

NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO.

I CAN'T WAIT TILL
3:00 TO TALK
TO DINAH SHORE.

WHAT?

DINAH SHORE. I TALK TO HER.
SHE DOESN'T ANSWER BACK.

SHE'S ON TELEVISION,
MARY, SO, OF COURSE,
SHE CAN'T ANSWER BACK.

YOU KNOW,
SHE HAS SUCH A NICE FACE

AND... AND
SHE'S SO PLEASANT.

I FIND IT VERY
COMFORTING TO HAVE HER
TO TALK TO.

JESS, YOU CAN CALL ME.
WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME?

OH, MARY, I WOULDN'T WANT
TO BOTHER YOU.

MY GOODNESS,
YOU HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS
OF YOUR OWN.

BESIDES,
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS
CHEERING UP TODAY.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE
HAVING LUNCH TOGETHER.

CLAIRE, CLAIRE, CLAIRE.
YOU ARE SO CUTE
WHEN YOU'RE MAD.

I'M SERIOUS, CHESTER.
IF YOU DON'T LEAVE
JESSICA THIS WEEK,

I AM GOING TO
THE SECURITIES EXCHANGE
COMMISSION.

THERE'LL BE NO NEED
TO DO THAT, MY DARLING.
NO NEED AT ALL.

WHY, CHESTER?

BECAUSE I'LL BE
LEAVING JESSICA.

WHEN?

LET ME SURPRISE YOU.

YOU KNOW, MARY, I MEAN
IF... IF WE DIDN'T HAVE
UNHAPPY EXPERIENCES,

HOW WOULD WE KNOW
WHEN WE WERE HAVING
HAPPY ONES?

OH, GOD.

WHAT, MARY?

UH, LOOK AT THIS PLATE,
JESSIE.

ISN'T IT...
ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

THE PATTERN IS
SO DELICATE.

MARY, IT'S WHITE.

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
THE PATTERN IS SO DELICATE,
YOU CAN'T SEE IT.

JESSIE, DON'T LOOK.

OH, MY GOD.

JESSIE.

MARY, IT'S TRUE.

ALL OF IT'S TRUE.

EVERYTHING EVERYBODY'S
BEEN SAYING ALL THESE YEARS...

IS TRUE.

OH, MARY,

I WOULD FAINT IF I KNEW HOW.

WILL JODIE DECIDE
TO BE A WOMAN,

OR WILL NURSE NANCY
CONVINCE HIM TO BE
WITH A WOMAN INSTEAD?

SINCE BURT COULDN'T WITH MARY
BECAUSE HE THOUGHT
HE WAS A MURDERER,

NOW THAT THE PSYCHIATRIST
HAS TOLD HIM

THAT HE ISN'T A MURDERER
AND DIDN'T DO IT,

WILL HE BE ABLE TO?

WILL DANNY RUN OUT
OF DISGUISES,
OR CLOSET SPACE?

AND WHAT WILL JESSICA,
NOW THAT SHE'S DISCOVERED WHAT
CHESTER IS DOING, DO?

THESE QUESTIONS,
AND MANY OTHERS
WILL BE ANSWERED

ON NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

SOAP.