Soap (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 8 - Episode #1.8 - full transcript

THIS IS THE STORY
OF 2 SISTERS,

JESSICA TATE

AND MARY CAMPBELL.

JESSICA LIVES IN
A NEIGHBORHOOD
KNOWN AS RICH.

JESSICA LIKES LIFE.

THE ONLY THING ABOUT LIFE
SHE WOULD CHANGE,
IF SHE COULD,

IS THAT SHE WOULD
SET IT ALL TO MUSIC.

THE TATES HAVE MORE SECRETS
THAN THEY DO MONEY.

WE'RE APPROACHING
MARY CAMPBELL'S HOUSE.

MARY, TOO, LIKES LIFE.

UNFORTUNATELY,
LIFE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
TOO CRAZY ABOUT HER.



AS YOU CAN SEE,

THE CAMPBELLS DON'T HAVE
NEARLY AS MUCH MONEY
AS THE TATES.

THEY DO, HOWEVER,
HAVE AS MANY SECRETS.

IN LAST WEEK'S EPISODE
OF SOAP,

ANOTHER OF BURT'S SONS, CHUCK,

AND BOB, HIS WOODEN DOLL,
ARRIVE FROM HAWAII.

MUCH TO THEIR HORROR,
THE CAMPBELL'S DISCOVER

THAT CHUCK BELIEVES
BOB IS REALLY REAL.

ALTHOUGH HE REALLY ISN'T REAL,

HE IS REAL OBNOXIOUS.

CLAIRE TOLD CHESTER
SHE WAS GOING TO
TELL JESSICA EVERYTHING,

BUT CHESTER
DIDN'T BELIEVE HER.

MUCH TO CHESTER'S SURPRISE,

CLAIRE DID TELL
JESSICA EVERYTHING.



ONLY JESSICA DIDN'T
BELIEVE HER, OR DID SHE?

FOLLOWING
THE GODFATHER'S ORDERS,

DANNY INVITED BURT
TO A CABIN IN THE WOODS

IN ORDER TO KILL HIM.

BURT THOUGHT HE WAS GOING
IN ORDER TO FISH.

IMAGINE HIS SURPRISE
WHEN HE FOUND A PISTOL
POINTED AT HIS HEAD.

CONFUSED?

YOU WON'T BE AFTER
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

SOAP.

WE BEGIN THIS
WEEK'S EPISODE OF SOAP

WHERE WE LEFT OFF...

WITH DANNY
ABOUT TO KILL BURT.

YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME?

AH, YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?
I MEAN, HEY, I MEAN,
OF COURSE YOU'RE JOKING.

NO? WHAT? NO?
YOU MEAN YOU'RE ACTUALLY
GOING TO KILL ME?

I'M HAVING
A LOT OF TROUBLE
BELIEVING THIS, BUT...

UM... UM, DANNY?

UH, NOW LISTEN, DANNY,
IF, UH, IF...

IF YOU'RE REALLY
GONNA KILL ME,

COULD YOU AT LEAST
TELL ME WHY?

YOU KILLED MY FATHER.

THAT COULD DO IT.

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS THE GUN.
NOW... NOW THE GUN MAKES SENSE.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I'M RELIEVED.

YEAH, REALLY.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

TRYIN' TO KEEP
A SECRET LIKE THIS?

I MEAN, THE GUILT,
THE NIGHTMARES...

I HAVE TO DO IT, BURT.

HEY...

NO, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I HAVE TO DO THIS.

I DON'T REALLY WANT TO,
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID.

BUT I HAVE TO,
OTHERWISE THEY'LL KILL ME.

HEY, DANNY, IT'S OK.
DON'T WORRY.

I MEAN... I MEAN, WHAT KIND
OF A CHOICE IS THAT?

YOU OR ME. NATURALLY
YOU'RE GONNA PICK ME.

I MEAN, DON'T FEEL BAD
ABOUT IT.

WELL, I JUST WANTED
YOU TO KNOW.

SO, ARE WE GONNA DO THIS NOW
OR WAIT A WHILE OR WHAT?

LET'S DO IT NOW.
I WANT TO GET IT OVER WITH.

THIS AND A DENTIST
ARE 2 THINGS

I DON'T LIKE THINKIN' ABOUT
FOR TOO LONG.

UH, WAIT. UM, DANNY...

DO YOU MIND IF I SIT?

NO.

GOOD. I THINK
I'D LIKE TO SIT DOWN.

THAT WAY I WON'T
HAVE SO FAR TO FALL.

UH, DANNY,
IF I'M SITTING DOWN
YOU'LL HAVE TO LOWER THE GUN,

OTHERWISE YOU'RE GONNA
HIT THE WALL.

THIS IS VERY
HARD FOR ME, BURT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK,
IT'S EASY FOR ME?

NO, BUT I HAVE
TO PULL THE TRIGGER.

HEY, I'M THE ONE
THAT'S GETTIN' SHOT HERE.

I KNOW, BUT I'M GONNA
HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT.

YEAH, BUT I'LL BE DEAD.

OH, DANNY, DID YOU EVER
SHOOT BEFORE?

NO.

AH, TOO BAD. OK,
DON'T WORRY, NOW LOOK,

JUST LINE ME UP
ON THE SIGHT.

IT'S THAT LITTLE
BUMP ON THE END THERE.
JUST...

GOODBYE, DANNY.

BYE, BURT.

NO, I CAN'T DO IT!

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.
GIVE ME THE GUN,
I'LL SHOOT MYSELF.

I'M NOT GIVING YOU
THE GUN.

DANNY! DANNY!
IF YOU DON'T DO IT,
THEY'RE GONNA KILL YOU.

NOW, COME ON,
SHOOT TO KILL.

NO!
DANNY, LISTEN TO ME.

IF THEY KILL YOU,

YOUR MOTHER'S NEVER
GONNA SURVIVE IT.
YOU'RE HER LITTLE BOY.

I'M JUST HER HUSBAND.

I MEAN, HER FIRST
HUSBAND GOT KILLED,
SHE'S USED TO IT.

NO!

DANNY, DANNY,
OK, ALL RIGHT,

NOW, DON'T PANIC,
NOW, COME ON, WE'LL...

WE'LL MAKE BELIEVE...
WE'LL MAKE BELIEVE
IT'S A GAME, OK?

WE'LL MAKE BELIEVE THAT
WE'RE IN A SHOOTING GALLERY

AND I'M ONE
OF THOSE BEARS, OK?

AND I'LL MOVE AROUND
LIKE A BEAR DOES, OK?

FORGET IT, BURT!
COME ON.

NO WAY IN THE WORLD
AM I GONNA SHOOT YOU!

DANNY, IF THEY WANT ME DEAD,
THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME.

AT LEAST DO IT
AND GET CREDIT FOR IT.

THEY DON'T CARE
ABOUT YOU DEAD.

THEY NEED SOMETHIN' ON ME!

I'M GONNA HAVE TO HIDE OUT.

ALL RIGHT.
NOW, YOU'RE GONNA NEED MONEY.

I'LL GIVE YA SOME.
I GOT SOME SAVED.

NO...
UH, YES.

I'M NOT TAKIN'
YOUR MONEY, BURT.

UH, DANNY,
WE'RE NOT DISCUSSING IT.

YES, YOU ARE.
NO WAY.

HEY, DANNY, GIVE ME A BREAK.

EITHER TAKE MY MONEY
OR KILL ME.
ONE OR THE OTHER.

OK!

I'LL TAKE SOME MONEY.

GOOD.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GONNA TELL MA.

I CAN'T TELL HER
THE TRUTH.

NO, NO, SHE'D BE WORRIED SICK,
PLUS WHICH,

ONCE SHE KNOWS
THE WHOLE STORY,

SHE'S NOT GONNA BE
TOO THRILLED WITH ME,
EITHER. A MURDERER.

DON'T WORRY,
I'D NEVER TELL HER.

THE GODFATHER
TOLD ME THE WHOLE THING.

I... I KNOW WHY YOU DID IT.

THANKS, DANNY.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

ON THE WAY HOME,
WE'LL MAKE UP A STORY
TO TELL YOUR MOTHER.

OH, NOW, DANNY,
IF THEY'RE OUT THERE,

AND THEY SEE US
WALK OUT TOGETHER,

THEY'RE GONNA FIGURE OUT
YOU DIDN'T DO IT

AND THEY'RE GONNA KILL
BOTH OF US.

SO, LET ME GO FIRST,
THEY'LL NEVER
SUSPECT ANYTHING.

MARY, I MEAN,
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IF IT'S A DOLL
AND IT'S HIS DOLL,

HOW CAN HE THINK
IT'S REAL?

HE DOES, I SWEAR.

IT'S GOT ITS OWN BED.

I HAD TO SERVE IT DINNER.

LAST NIGHT I HAD TO MAKE FISH,
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EAT MEAT.

WHY DOESN'T IT EAT MEAT?

JESSICA, IT DOESN'T EAT.

OH.

AND THE FIGHTING
THAT'S ALWAYS GOING ON.

CHUCK AND THE DUMMY
ARE ALWAYS ARGUING.

WELL, MARY,
I MEAN, THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

I MEAN, IF HE'S
GONNA HAVE A DOLL,

HE SHOULD HAVE ONE
HE GETS ALONG WITH.

SHH, HERE THEY COME.

LISTEN TO ME, "THEY."

I'M GETTING AS CRAZY
AS EVERYONE ELSE.

MORNING.
MORNING.

CHUCK, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET MY SISTER,
JESSICA TATE.

JESSIE,
THIS IS CHUCK CAMPBELL.

HI.
HELLO.

AND BOB.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HELLO, BOB.

BIG ONES.

AHEM.

HEY, COOKIE,
YOU FORGOT SOMETHING?

I'M DYING TO SEE
HOW HE EATS IT.

OH, GOD!
I REALLY NEED THIS.

I REALLY NEED EGGS
LIKE ROCKS THIS MORNING.

HEY, SWEETHEART,

IT'S ABOUT THESE
LITTLE YELLOW BOULDERS
ON MY PLATE HERE.

UH, MARY, BOB'S EGGS
ARE... ARE TOO HARD.

HE REALLY
WANTED OVER EASY.

NOW, LISTEN, CHUCK.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I AM NOT MAKING
ANY MORE EGGS
AND THAT'S FINAL!

THAT I MAKE EGGS
IN THE FIRST PLACE
FOR A DUM...

DOLL THAT DOESN'T EAT,
IS CRAZY!

SO, IF YOU EXPECT ME
TO MAKE THEM AGAIN,
FORGET IT!

OK, THAT'S IT.

CALL UNITED AIRLINES.
I WANT THE FIRST
FLIGHT OUT OF HERE.

JUST CALM DOWN, BOB.
THIS IS MY FAMILY.

OF COURSE, HOW ELSE
CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN YOU?

NOW, LET'S NOT...

BOYS, ENOUGH,
STOP IT!

"STOP IT," SHE SAYS!
WHO DO YOU THINK STARTED THIS,
PUSSY CAT?

YOU AND YOUR ROTTEN EGGS!

YOU KNOW, MARY,
HE'S RIGHT.

IN FACT, YOU'VE BEEN
CREATING TENSION BETWEEN US
EVER SINCE WE GOT HERE.

CAN'T YOU STAND
TO SEE TWO PEOPLE
GETTING ALONG?

I HAVE NOT!
THAT IS NOT TRUE.
THAT...

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

I'M DEFENDING MYSELF
TO A DUMMY.

UH, MARY, IF... IF,
PLEASE, I MAY SAY SOMETHING.

I WAS HERE
AND I HEARD YOU

AND YOU DID REFUSE
TO SERVE HIM.

JESSIE!

COME ON IN.

HEY, WHAT'RE YOU DOIN'?

I GOTTA GO AWAY
FOR A WHILE.

WHERE?

A LITTLE TRIP.

YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

I'M NOT IN TROUBLE.
IT'S A BUSINESS TRIP.

HEY, COME ON, DANNY,
I KNOW WHAT BUSINESS
YOU'RE IN.

WE'LL GET A LAWYER,
WE'LL GO TO THE POLICE.

IF WE GO TO THE POLICE,
I'LL BE IN JAIL
WHEN THEY KILL ME.

IF I GET A LAWYER,
I'LL BE BROKE
WHEN THEY KILL ME.

FORGET IT.
I GOTTA GO.

DANNY, I THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING WE SHOULD
TALK ABOUT BEFORE YOU GO.

HOW DO YOU
FOLD A JACKET?

GIVE IT TO ME.

DANNY, WHEN YOU COME BACK,

YOU MIGHT HAVE A SISTER.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

IN A FEW DAYS,
I CHECK INTO THE HOSPITAL
FOR THE SEX CHANGE OPERATION.

AH, COME ON, JODIE.
I'M IN NO MOOD FOR JOKES NOW.

I'M SERIOUS.

COME ON.
KNOCK IT OFF, WILL YA?

DANNY, IT'S NO JOKE.
I'M GAY.

YOU NEVER QUIT,
DO YA?

HEY, FACE...

FACE FACTS, WILL YA,
DANNY?

I'M A HOMOSEXUAL.
IT'S THE TRUTH.

I'M GAY.

HAND ME THOSE PANTS.

DANNY, DON'T MAKE
THIS DIFFICULT FOR ME.

WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS
SAYING THAT YOU CAN'T
ACCEPT ME IF I'M GAY.

YOU'RE NOT GAY.
I AM.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
HOW CAN YOU BE GAY?

I MEAN, WE'RE BROTHERS,
AND I'M NOT GAY,
SO YOU'RE NOT GAY.

ANYWAY, YOU'RE TOO GOOD
IN SPORTS.

DANNY, THAT HAS
NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

YOU'RE NOT GAY.

DANNY, HAVE YOU
EVER SEEN ME OUT
WITH A GIRL? HMM?

HAVE YOU?

YOU'RE NOT GAY.
YOU'RE SHY.

THAT'S IT,
YOU'RE SHY.

NOW, HAND ME
THOSE SHIRTS.

DANNY...
YOU ARE NOT GAY.

YOU ARE NOT GAY.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE GAY
AND YOU'RE NOT.

SO SHUT UP
AND HAND ME THOSE SHIRTS!

WHY?

I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I JUST AM.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT.
I MEAN, HOW CAN YOU BE SURE?

I'M IN LOVE
WITH DENNIS PHILIPS,
THE QUARTERBACK.

IS THAT IT?
IS THAT THE PROOF?

FOR GOD'S SAKES, JODIE,
I'M CRAZY ABOUT JOE NAMATH.

I... I IDOLIZE MEAN JOE GREEN.
I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO...

WE'RE LOVERS, DANNY.

DENNIS PHILIPS IS GAY?

BOY, THIS IS A LOT
FOR ONE DAY!

DANNY, WHAT'S
THE BIG DEAL, HUH?

I MEAN, NOW THAT YOU KNOW,
AM I ANY DIFFERENT?

WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE?

YOU DON'T LOOK GAY.

I'M STILL ME.

HEY, I'M STILL THE JODIE
WHO PLAYS TENNIS WITH YOU,

I'M STILL THE JODIE
WHO BOWLS WITH YOU,

STILL THE JODIE
WHO LAUGHS WITH YA,

AND I'M STILL THE JODIE
WHO COUNTS ON YOU.

YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT GAY.

I AM!

AND IT SHOULDN'T
MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

AND IF IT DOES AND YOU DON'T
LOVE ME NOW BECAUSE OF IT

THEN YOU'VE NEVER
LOVED ME AT ALL.

JODIE.

LOOK, ALL THESE YEARS

I DIDN'T WANNA HEAR IT.

I DIDN'T WANNA
LISTEN TO YA.

I WAS AFRAID
IF I EVER HEARD IT,

I COULDN'T
LOOK AT YA AGAIN.

WELL, CAN YOU?

YEAH.

FRIENDS?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

NOT ONLY ARE YOU GAY,
YOU'RE A JERK!

THANKS, BIG BROTHER.

YOU'RE OK,
LITTLE BROTHER.

HEY, YOU KNOW,
NOW THAT I LOOK,

YOU DO WALK KIND OF FUNNY.

AHEM.

COME ON, MARY.

COME ON, NOW.
I WANT YOU TO
SIT DOWN NEAR CHUCK.

WHAT IS IT, BURT?

WELL, NOW I ASKED YOU ALL
DOWN HERE

BECAUSE DANNY HAS
SOME REALLY GREAT NEWS

AND HE TOLD ME FIRST.
ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

WILL YOU PIPE DOWN?

I REALLY NEEDED TO BE
DRAGGED DOWN HERE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

WHAT'S THE NEWS, BURT?

WELL, NOW, UH...
NOW WE ALL KNOW THAT
DANNY'S BEEN INVOLVED

IN SOME VERY DANGEROUS
ACTIVITY WITH SOME
VERY DANGEROUS PEOPLE,

BUT HE'S GETTING OUT
OF ALL THAT.

DANNY.

NOT THAT WHAT
HE'S GETTING INTO
ISN'T DANGEROUS,

BUT THE PEOPLE HE'S
GETTING INTO IT WITH AREN'T.

NICE PEOPLE.
NICE BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

SO WHAT WE'RE GETTING RID
OF HERE IS A ROTTEN BUNCH
OF PEOPLE

AND KEEPING A LITTLE
OF THE DANGER AND AFTER ALL,

WHAT IS A LITTLE DANGEROUS?

I MEAN, CROSSING THE STREET
IS A LITTLE DANGEROUS,

EATING EGGS
IS A LITTLE DANGEROUS...

EXACTLY WHAT SORT
OF DANGEROUS WORK

DOES THIS NICE BUNCH
OF PEOPLE DO?

SPYING, MA.

WHAT?

SPY. I'M GONNA
BE A SPY.

A SPY?
RIGHT.

BOB, QUIET.

WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?
WHO BECOMES A SPY?

WHAT KIND
OF A JOB IS SPYING?

WELL, YOU SEE,
I... I WAS SELECTED.

SELECTED?

YEAH, I WAS SELECTED
BY, UH...

BY, UH...

BY, UH...

COMPUTER, MOM.

THE GOVERNMENT'S DOING
ALL THESE THINGS
BY COMPUTER THESE DAYS.

RIGHT. SEE?

VERY NICE.

YOU'LL RUN AROUND
IN A TRENCH COAT
GETTING SHOT AT.

I LOVE IT.

MA...

MRS. BAUM, DOWN THE STREET
THOUGHT SHE HAD A GOOD ONE

WHEN HER DAUGHTER
BECAME A HOOKER.
NOTHIN'.

PLEASE...

TRY AND UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T WANT
TO LEAVE YOU LIKE THIS,

BUT I GOTTA GO.

YOU'RE LEAVING NOW?

MARY, THERE'S JUST
SO MUCH SPYING
HE CAN DO IN A LIVING ROOM.

WHEN WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN?
DO YOU SPY WEEKENDS?

WHEN WILL YOU
EVER COME HOME?

I'LL COME HOME
WHENEVER I CAN.

I'LL HAVE TO BE
IN DISGUISE, THOUGH.

IN DISGUISE?
RIGHT.

WONDERFUL.

I'LL BE THE ONLY MOTHER
WHO GETS VISITS FROM HER SON

AND DOESN'T KNOW IT.

DANNY,

COME.

BYE, BIG BROTHER.

BYE, LITTLE BROTHER.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

BYE, BURT.

BYE, CHUCK.

BYE, DANNY.

BYE, BOB.

BE NICE.

BYE, DAN.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ROOM?

MA...
I CAN'T.

MA, PLEASE.

I'M NOT READY FOR THIS.

HONEY, IT WAS ONLY YESTERDAY
I WAS CHANGING YOUR DIAPERS.

I SWEAR...

YESTERDAY I FED YOU
STRAINED BEETS
FOR THE FIRST TIME

AND YOU SPIT THEM
OUT AT ME.

NOW YOU'RE LEAVING
AND I... I DON'T KNOW

WHERE YOU'RE GOING
OR WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.

YESTERDAY
YOU WERE SPITTING UP,
TODAY YOU'RE SPYING!

IT'S HARD TO MAKE
THE ADJUSTMENT.

I'LL COME HOME, MA.
I PROMISE.

AS OFTEN AS I CAN.

YOU TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF.

I WILL.
DO REMEMBER TO EAT.

LISTEN TO THIS,

I'M TELLING A SPY
TO EAT REGULAR MEALS.

I'LL EAT, MA.
I PROMISE.

GOODBYE.

WAIT.

I LOVE YOU.

YOU'RE STILL MY BABY.

NO MATTER
HOW OLD YOU ARE,

YOU'RE STILL
MY LITTLE BOY.

WHEN YOU'RE 80 YEARS OLD
AND PUTTING YOUR TEETH
IN A GLASS,

YOU'LL STILL
BE MY LITTLE BOY.

I KNOW.

I GUESS I HAVE
TO SAY GOODBYE NOW.

COULD I SAY
GOOD NIGHT INSTEAD?

IT'S EASIER.

GOOD NIGHT, MA.

GOOD NIGHT, DANNY.

GOODBYE.

NO, SIR.
NO, SIREE.

I HAVE SERVED FOOD
TO PEOPLE
WHO DON'T EAT IT,

I HAVE SERVED FOOD
TO PEOPLE WHO THROW IT,

BUT NO WAY AM I GONNA
SERVE FOOD TO A DUMMY.

BUT BENSON, HE'S A GUEST.

FORGET IT.

JESSICA,

BENSON HAS BEEN WITH US FOR
I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY YEARS

AND I HAVE NEVER
AGREED WITH HIM.

NOW, THOUGH IT PAINS ME
TO SAY THIS,

HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
I, FOR ONE,
AM GOING OUT TO DINNER.

I'LL JOIN YOU.

ALL RIGHT, BENSON.

I FEEL LIKE CHINKS.
DO YOU WANNA EAT CHINKS?

CHINESE FOOD
WOULD BE FINE, BENSON.

I KNOW JUST THE PLACE.
BILLY,

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO COME TO THE CHINKS
WITH BENSON AND ME?

ARE YOU KIDDING?
AND MISS THIS?

YEAH, A DINNER PARTY
FOR A DUMMY.

REALLY, JESSICA.

WELL, CHESTER, I, UH...

IT'S ALL RIGHT, BENSON.
I'LL GET IT.

HELLO.
COME IN. COME IN.

WELL, MY GOODNESS,
WHERE ARE CHUCK AND BOB?

TELL THEM, BURT.

WELL, THEY'RE COMING.

DIDN'T THEY COME
WITH YOU?

YEAH, WELL,
SURE, OF COURSE. KIND OF.

TELL THEM
WHAT HAPPENED, BURT.

NO BIG DEAL,
THEY HAD A LITTLE FIGHT.

AND MADE US
STOP THE CAR

SO THEY COULD
CONTINUE IN PRIVATE.

YOUR SON AND HIS DUMMY
ARE FIGHTING?

YEAH.

TELL THEM WHAT THEY
WERE FIGHTING ABOUT, BURT.

COME ON.

NO, TELL THEM,
BURT.

BILLING.

WHAT?

BILLING. YOU KNOW,

I MEAN, THE ACT
IS CALLED CHUCK AND BOB

AND BOB FEELS THAT SINCE
HE'S THE MAIN ATTRACTION,

HIS NAME SHOULD COME FIRST.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

I DON'T KNOW.
I CAN SEE HIS POINT.

I'M SURE.

HELLO, EVERYONE.

PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES,

THOUGH WE HAD TO SETTLE
A LITTLE SOMETHING OUTSIDE.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M JUST SO GLAD
YOU COULD COME.

NOW COME RIGHT IN HERE
AND MEET EVERYONE.

YOU'LL HAVE
TO FORGIVE MY PARTNER,
HE'S NOT TALKING.

CUTE, ISN'T IT?

DID I EXAGGERATE?

CHESTER,
COME HERE, DEAR.

COME HERE, CHESTER.
THIS IS MY HUSBAND.

CHESTER, THIS IS CHUCK
AND THIS IS BOB.

THAT'S HIM?

YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING.
THAT GUY'S 80 IF HE'S A DAY.

I HOPE HE'S GOT
PLENTY OF MONEY

BECAUSE THAT'S PROBABLY
ALL YOU'RE GETTING FROM HIM.

JESSICA.

HUH?

WELL, UH,
LET'S ALL HAVE A DRINK.

COME ON, NOW.
LET'S GO TO THE BAR
AND HAVE A DRINK.

COME ON.

YOU HAD BETTER OPEN
YOUR MOUTH AND SAY SOMETHING,
CRETIN, OR I'M LEAVING.

OK. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
IT STAYS CHUCK AND BOB.

CHUCK AND BOB.
YOU HAPPY NOW, CRETIN, HUH?

NOW LET'S GET OVER
TO THE DAMN BAR.

I'M GONNA NEED A DRINK
TO GET THROUGH THIS EVENING.

EXCUSE ME,
GRANDDAD.

UH, SCOTCH AND SODA,
NEAT.

HEY, SAMBO,
THE NOON WHISTLE
DID NOT BLOW.

I SAID, SCOTCH.

ONE MORE WORD AND HE GOES
INTO THE FIREPLACE.

I'LL GET IT, BENSON.

YES?

TELEGRAM FOR
MARY CAMPBELL.

OH, I'LL TAKE IT.

I'VE GOT
TO HAND DELIVER THIS.

OH, MARY?
COME IN.

OH!

HEY! HEY! HEY, FELLA, HEY!
BACK OFF.

BURT! IT'S DANNY!
IT'S DANNY. OH!

DANNY!
IN DISGUISE.

I JUST WANTED
TO SAY HELLO.

I'M AFRAID
I CAN'T STAY.

IS THIS ONE OF YOUR
SPYING DISGUISES?

YES, AUNT JESSICA.

OH, DANNY, IT'S WONDERFUL.
NOBODY IN THE WORLD
WOULD RECOGNIZE YOU.

WELL, I GOTTA GO NOW.
I'LL COME AGAIN SOON.

ALL RIGHT.
BYE, DANNY.

BYE, EVERYONE.

GET DOWN, EVERYONE!

WELL, JESSICA...

THE CAMPBELLS
COME OVER FOR A LITTLE
TUESDAY NIGHT SHOOT-OUT!

THIS IS THE LAST NIGHT
THEY COME TO DINNER!

SHH, CHESTER.

I'VE BEEN HIT.

I'VE BEEN HIT.

OH, MY GOD!

PLEASE, SOMEBODY.
HE'S BEEN HIT.

CHESTER, DO SOMETHING, QUICK!
CALL AN AMBULANCE, CHESTER.

DAD, YOU'RE CALLIN'
AN AMBULANCE FOR A DUMMY?

IT'S A DUMMY, DAD!

YOU GET THE PURPLE HEART,
SOLDIER!

MY GOD! THEY'RE TRYING
TO KILL DANNY.

IT'S OK, MOM.
HE GOT AWAY.

MARY, DON'T WORRY.
HE'S FINE, DARLING.

DON'T DIE.
I'LL DO ANYTHING. I'LL...

I'LL MAKE IT
BOB AND CHUCK.

BOB AND CHUCK?

YES.

YEAH. IT'S GOT
A NICE RING TO IT.

OK, WHY ARE WE ALL
STANDING AROUND HERE

WITH OUR THUMBS
UP OUR NOSES, HUH?

ARE WE GONNA EAT OR NOT?

BUT YOUR WOUND...

JUST A NICK.
A LITTLE PLASTIC GLUE
AND I'LL BE OK, YEAH.

OH, I'M SO GLAD
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

JESSICA?
HMM?

HE'S A DOLL.

I KNEW YOU'D LIKE HIM,
CHESTER!

COME ON, EVERYBODY,
LET'S GO TO DINNER.

COME ON, HONEY.

ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.
COME ON.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH
MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE.

I KNOW WE ALL HAVE
OUR CROSSES TO BEAR.

BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

WILL MARY FIND OUT

THAT DANNY IS RUNNING
FOR HIS LIFE FROM THE MOB?

OR WILL SHE CONTINUE
TO BELIEVE THAT HE'S A SPY?

WILL MARY EVER MAKE EGGS
THE WAY BOB LIKES THEM

OR WILL THE DUMMY
HAVE TO GO TO A COFFEE SHOP
FOR BREAKFAST?

WILL JODIE REALLY
BECOME DANNY'S SISTER?

WILL DANNY, NOW THAT
HE HAS TO RUN FROM THE MOB,

LIVE TO SEE IT?

THESE QUESTIONS
AND MANY OTHERS

WILL BE ANSWERED
ON NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

SOAP.