Soap (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 10 - Episode #1.10 - full transcript

THIS IS THE STORY
OF 2 SISTERS,

JESSICA TATE

AND MARY CAMPBELL.

JESSICA LIVES IN
A NEIGHBORHOOD
KNOWN AS RICH.

JESSICA LIKES LIFE.

THE ONLY THING ABOUT LIFE
SHE WOULD CHANGE,
IF SHE COULD,

IS THAT SHE WOULD
SET IT ALL TO MUSIC.

THE TATES HAVE MORE SECRETS
THAN THEY DO MONEY.

WE'RE APPROACHING
MARY CAMPBELL'S HOUSE.

MARY, TOO, LIKES LIFE.

UNFORTUNATELY,
LIFE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
TOO CRAZY ABOUT HER.



AS YOU CAN SEE, THE CAMPBELLS
DON'T HAVE NEARLY
AS MUCH MONEY AS THE TATES.

THEY DO, HOWEVER,
HAVE AS MANY SECRETS.

IN LAST WEEK'S EPISODE
OF SOAP,

JODIE CHECKED
INTO THE HOSPITAL
TO BECOME A GIRL,

AND WOUND UP MEETING A GIRL
WHO WOULD LIKE HIM
TO STAY A GUY.

DANNY HAS BEEN
RUNNING AROUND IN DISGUISES,

RUNNING FROM THE MOB.

SO FAR, DANNY HAS NOT
BEEN CAUGHT,

BUT CHESTER HAS BEEN.

JESSICA MET MARY FOR LUNCH,

AND SAW HIM KISSING CLAIRE.

CONFUSED?

YOU WON'T BE, AFTER
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

SOAP.



WE BEGIN THIS WEEK'S EPISODE
OF SOAP,

SHORTLY AFTER JESSICA AND MARY
SAW CHESTER AND CLAIRE.

OH, MARY, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMING HOME WITH ME.

FEELING ANY BETTER?

UH-HUH.
GOOD.

I REALLY FEEL LIKE
SUCH A FOOL, MARY.

I MEAN ALL THOSE YEARS
OF NOT BELIEVING,

AND I... I STILL FIND IT
HARD TO BELIEVE.

NOT THAT I DON'T
BELIEVE IT, MARY.
I MEAN I DO BELIEVE IT.

I SAW IT
WITH MY VERY OWN EYES.

IT WAS CHESTER AND CLAIRE
AND HE WAS KISSING HER.

AND DO YOU KNOW
WHAT IS REALLY FUNNY, MARY?

CHESTER DOESN'T EVEN
LIKE TO KISS.

DON'T KEEP
GOING OVER IT, JESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MARY?

I THINK WE'RE CURSED.

WHO?
US.

ALL OF US.

I THINK THAT THERE IS
A CURSE ON THIS FAMILY.

WELL, IF THERE ISN'T,
THERE SHOULD BE.

BENSON?
HUH?

DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE KEEP
THE FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM?

YEAH.

OH, GOOD. WOULD YOU MIND
BRINGING IT TO ME?

WHY DO YOU WANNA LOOK AT
THOSE DEPRESSING PICTURES FOR?

BENSON, THEY'RE
FAMILY PHOTOGRAPHS.

THEY ARE DEPRESSING.

A BUNCH OF UGLY PEOPLE
IN OLD CLOTHES.

AND THEN YOU GOT THOSE
DRIED-UP, PRESSED FLOWERS

THAT FALL OUT
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

AND THEN THE PICTURES CRUMBLE
AND YOU CRY.

EVERY TIME YOU LOOK
AT THOSE PICTURES,

I GOTTA DO THE FLOOR.

MARY, I THINK I AM
ONTO SOMETHING.

I THINK THAT IN THOSE PICTURES
WE'LL FIND THE ANSWER.

MARY, DID YOU SEE
THE OMEN?

NO.

WELL, I MEAN,
NOBODY BELIEVED LEE REMICK

WHEN SHE SAID THAT
HER SON WAS THE DEVIL

AND HE WAS TRYING
TO KILL HER.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?
HE KILLED HER.

AND THEN, I MEAN, UH,
OF COURSE EVERYONE SAID,

"WELL, SHE WAS RIGHT."
BUT, I MEAN, IT DID HER
A LOT OF GOOD.

SHE WAS DEAD BY THEN.

OH, THANK YOU, BENSON.
THANK YOU. OH!

OH, LOOK AT THIS!

GEE, I... I
I'M... I'M SORRY, BENSON.

LOOK! MARY, LOOK.

RANDOLPH.

AND WHERE IS RANDOLPH, MARY?

JESSIE, NO ONE KNOWS
WHERE RANDOLPH IS.

EXACTLY. OUR BROTHER,
OUR BROTHER,

WHO FATHERED
AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD
WITH A SWEDISH MAID

AND THEN DISAPPEARED
INTO THE WILDS OF ECUADOR.

DON'T YOU THINK
THAT'S PECULIAR?

JESSIE, RANDOLPH
WAS PECULIAR.

NO, MARY, HE WASN'T.
HE WAS CURSED.

JESSIE,
RANDOLPH WASN'T CURSED,

HE WAS NUTS.

ANY MAN WHO WOULD
GO TO ECUADOR

TO SELL WALL-TO-WALL CARPET
IS NOT ALL THERE.

MARY,
LOOK AT THIS.

WHO'S THAT?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHO IT IS, MARY,

BUT I SAW
THE EXORCIST

AND THAT FACE
IS WORSE.

OH, THAT'S MR. TATE.

OH, MY GOD, MARY,
IT IS. IT'S CHESTER.

YEAH, ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.

IT IS NOT, BENSON.

IT'S OUR HALLOWEEN PARTY
BECAUSE I'M DRESSED
AS CHIQUITA BANANA.

DO YOU THINK I'D WEAR
BANANAS ON MY HEAD
TO A WEDDING?

DON'T ASK ME.

I WISH I KNEW SOMEONE
THAT REMOVES CURSES.

JESSIE, WE ARE NOT CURSED.

THERE IS NO SUCH
THING AS A CURSE.

MARY, MARY,
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

I MEAN, MARY, LOOK AT ME.
I MARRIED A MAN WHO DOES...

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S NOT A CURSE.

I HAVE ONE
ILLEGITIMATE DAUGHTER
WHO SLEEPS AROUND.

IT'S NOT A CURSE, JESS.

WELL, I HAVE ONE
DAUGHTER WHO DOESN'T
EVEN GO OUT ON DATES.

THAT'S NOT A CURSE.

DADDY STILL BELIEVES
THE WAR IS GOING ON.

NOT A CURSE.

ALL RIGHT, MARY,
YOUR FIRST HUSBAND
COMMITTED SUICIDE.

YOU HAVE ONE SON
WHO'S GAY,

WHO'S GOING TO HAVE
A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION.

YOU HAVE ONE SON
WHO'S A SPY.

YOU HAVE ONE STEPSON
WHO LIVES WITH A DUMMY.

AND YOU HAVE
ANOTHER STEPSON

WHO CAME BETWEEN
CORINNE AND ME.

AND YOUR HUSBAND
WON'T MAKE LOVE TO YOU.

YOU'RE RIGHT,
WE'RE CURSED.

OK.

HI.

MRS. CAMPBELL?
YES.

AH. I'M YOUR SON,
DANNY'S EMPLOYER.

UH, MAY I COME IN?

YES.
OH, THANK YOU.

OH, IT'S NICE.

WHERE IS HE GOING?
AH.

HOUSE HUNTING. HE'S BEEN
DRIVING ME CRAZY.

YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME
HE GOES INTO A HOUSE,

HE'S GOTTA LOOK AROUND,
ALL THE ROOMS.

MRS. CAMPBELL, ABOUT DANNY.

YOU KNOW, I'M A LITTLE BIT,
UH, WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

HE LEAVES SO SUDDENLY.

UH, LISTEN, MR. UH...

SMITH.

GIORGIO SMITH.

MY FRIENDS CALL ME
GEORGIE OR GEORGIE BOY.

MY MOTHER CALLS ME FACE.
MY FATHER CALLS...

FORGET ABOUT MY FATHER.

DANNY'S NOT HERE.
HE'S IN EUROPE.

DO YOU HAVE HIS ADDRESS
IN EUROPE?

NO.
NO.

JUST EUROPE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THIS CREATES
A LITTLE PROBLEM FOR ME

BECAUSE MY BOSS WANTS ME
TO FIND DANNY SO BAD.

HE SAYS IF
I DON'T FIND HIM,

THEN NOBODY'S EVER
GONNA SEE ME AGAIN.

UH, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

GIORGIO SMITH.

YOU WANT TO KILL DANNY,
DON'T YOU?

KILL? K-K-KILL DANNY?

WH... WHERE DO YOU GET
SUCH CRAZY IDEAS FROM?

KILL DANNY, HUH?

MA! L'CHEI-IM! SHALOM!
OI GEVALD! MESHUGENEH...

HOW ARE YOU, MISSIS?

RABBI MACCABEE HERE,
COLLECTING SOME
MONEY FOR TREES.

HELLO, MISTER.

YOU LOOK LIKE
A FINE GENTLEMAN.
NICE HAIR.

NICE JEWISH PEOPLE,
CAMPBELLWITZ.

IT'S A NICE JEWISH NAME.

IT'S CAMPBELL.

NOT JEWISH?

WELL, FORGET
THE TREES THEN.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
THEY WANT MORE
TREES ANYWAY.

ISRAEL IS A JUNGLE
FROM THE TREES.

GOODBYE.

UH, WAIT.
I'LL GET YOU
SOME MONEY.

WELL, NOW, HEY.

ASPETTA UN MOMENTO.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOT
OF PHONY-BALONEYS

GOIN' AROUND HERE
COLLECTING FOR THINGS
THEY JUST MAKE UP.

YOU GOT CREDENTIALS?

CREDENTIALS?
YES.

DO I HAVE CREDENTIALS?
YOU WANT CREDENTIALS?

5000 YEARS OF SUFFERING,

HOW'S THAT FOR CREDENTIALS?

YOU WANT CREDENTIALS?
I'LL GIVE YOU CREDENTIALS.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.

CREDENTIALS, HE ASKS,

AH, BAR MITZVAH,
CHOPPED CHICKEN LIVER,

TEL AVIV, A BAGEL.
CREDENTIALS.

MR. SCHMARTY-PANTS,

YOUR HEAD SHOULD
GROW IN THE GROUND
LIKE AN ONION...

YOU WANT CREDENTIALS.
WHOLESALE! CREDENTIALS...

ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT. RABBI!

I WAS JUST TRYING
TO BE CAREFUL.
THERE YOU GO.

AND, UH, MRS. CAMPBELL,

WE'LL BE IN TOUCH
WITH YOU, HUH?

YOU WANT MORE
CREDENTIALS?

NO, I DON'T WANT
MORE CREDENTIALS.

I'LL GIVE YOU SOME
MORE CREDENTIALS.

I'M SORRY, RABBI.
LET ME GIVE YOU A CHECK.

MA. MA, IT'S ME.

DANNY?

OH, DEAR.
MY GOD.

DO YOU KNOW
WHO THAT WAS?

THEY WANT TO KILL YOU.

I KNOW, MA.

YOU'VE GOTTA
GET OUT OF HERE.

MA, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THEY'RE GONE.

YOU'RE NOT A SPY,
ARE YOU?

NO, MA, I'M NOT.

OH, GOD.

HI, UM...

HI, HOW'RE YOU DOIN'?

MARY, WHAT, ARE YOU
GIVIN' MONEY TO

EVERY CRACKPOT
THAT COMES AROUND?

BURT, HE...

IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE,
RIGHT?

I KNOW, THAT'S WHAT
THEY ALL SAY.

WHAT IS THIS FOR,
TREES, I'LL BET, RIGHT?
HUH? TREES, HUH?

WHAT IS IT WITH
YOUR COUNTRY AND TREES?

I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THEY GOT
A LOT OF DOGS, BURT.

DANNY?
DANNY!

YEAH.

DANNY!

I WAS JUST LEAVIN'.

BOY, DANNY,
YOU HAD ME FOOLED.

IT'S DANNY.

I KNOW, BURT.

I GOTTA GO,

BUT, MA, I'LL COME BACK AGAIN,
SOON. I PROMISE.

NO, NO,
THE BACK WAY.

OH, BYE.

THAT'S A GREAT OUTFIT.

BYE.

BYE.

HEY, MAR'.

HEY, MAR', I'VE BEEN
LOOKING FOR YOU ALL DAY.

WHERE WERE YOU?

I WAS WITH JESSICA.

HEY, MARY...

WHAT DO YOU SAY, UH...

HOW ABOUT WE
GO UPSTAIRS?

WHY?

WHY? I SEE,

IT'S BEEN SO LONG
YOU DON'T REMEMBER.
ALL RIGHT...

OK, NOW.

SEE, UH, MARY,

WHAT I'M TRYIN'
TO SAY IS...

WHY DON'T WE, UH,
GO UPSTAIRS,

YOU KNOW, AND KINDA
LOUNGE AROUND AND...

BA-DA-BOOM...

YOU KNOW...

MARY, I SAW
DR. MEDLOW TODAY

AND GUESS WHAT?

WHAT?

I THINK I CAN.

NOW?

YES!

OH, BURT, NOT NOW.

NOT NOW?

I'M JUST NOT IN THE MOOD.

NOT IN THE MOOD?

YOU'RE NOT
IN THE MOOD?

FOR 6 MONTHS,
ALL I'VE BEEN HEARING
FROM YOU IS "WHEN?"

AND NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN,
IT'S "I'M NOT IN THE MOOD."

BURT, HOW CAN I
BE IN THE MOOD?

THIS MORNING WE TOOK JODIE
TO THE HOSPITAL.

THIS AFTERNOON,
JESSICA FOUND OUT

CHESTER'S BEEN
UNFAITHFUL TO HER.

AND A FEW MOMENTS AGO,
I FOUND OUT THE MOB
IS TRYING TO KILL DANNY.

OH.

WELL, THAT KINDA
LETS THE AIR
OUT OF MY TIRES.

SO TO SPEAK.

CORINNE?

HI.

CORINNE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOIN' HERE?

HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE?
YOU GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.

I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.

NO, NO TALK.
WE'VE TALKED ENOUGH.
THAT'S IT FOR TALKING.

TIM, I'M SO UNHAPPY.

YOU, WHAT DO YOU THINK,
THIS THRILLS ME?

CORINNE, YOU CAN'T BE HERE.
THIS IS FOR PRIESTS.

TIM, YOU KNOW
THAT GUY I LIVE WITH?
YOU KNOW, PETER?

COME ON NOW,
CORINNE, DON'T START.

COME ON NOW, UP,
ON YOUR FEET.

BUT I HAVE TO
TALK TO YOU.

NO, WE'VE DONE
ENOUGH TALKING. LEAVING.

YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK.

COME ON NOW, UP.

OH, BUT TIM...

NO, NO "BUT TIM."
ONLY ONE WORD
I'LL LISTEN TO,

"GOODBYE, TIM."
WELL, THAT'S 2 WORDS.

JUST SAY "GOODBYE."
GOODBYE, CORINNE.

GOODBYE, TIM.

GOOD. I LIKE THAT.
YOU DID THAT WELL.

HMM.

I NEED YOUR HELP.

THIS BUSINESS WITH
CORINNE IS GETTING
TO BE TOO MUCH FOR ME.

SEE, BEING A PRIEST
MEANS MORE TO ME

THAN ANYTHING
EVER HAS IN MY LIFE.

10, 12 YEARS AGO,
REMEMBER WHAT I WAS LIKE
IN HIGH SCHOOL?

I MAJORED IN MOTORCYCLES.

I WAS A BUM, A NOTHING.

AND THEN I FOUND YOU.

I CAME BACK TO THE CHURCH
AND I BECAME A PRIEST.

AND I LOVE IT.

I LOVE WHAT I'M DOING.

AND I'VE BEEN REALLY HAPPY.

CORINNE.

I MEAN SHE'S STIRRED UP
ALL THESE OLD FEELINGS.

HEY, I KNOW I'M A MAN.

AND I KNOW WE ALL
HAVE THOSE FEELINGS,

BUT I THINK I'M GETTING 'EM
TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW?

SO, I... I'M THINKIN',

MAYBE THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME
IN THE PRIEST DEPARTMENT.

I UNDERSTAND TESTS,

AND I KNOW YOU'VE GIVEN SOME
HUMDINGERS IN YOUR DAY, BUT...

ARE YOU GONNA
SEND CORINNE

ONCE A WEEK FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE?

'CAUSE IF YOU ARE,
I THINK WE'RE GONNA

GET TO A WEEK, THERE,
THAT COULD EMBARRASS EVERYONE.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.
I THOUGHT I HAD THE CALLING.

BUT NOW, I DON'T KNOW.

DO I?

I'D ASK FOR A SIGN,

BUT QUITE FRANKLY,
KNOWING THE KIND
OF SIGNS YOU GIVE...

BURNING BUSHES,
FLOODING THE WORLD...

I THINK I'LL PASS
ON THE SIGN.

I MEAN YOU GET
A LITTLE FLAMBOYANT
WITH THE SIGNS, THERE.

EXCUSE ME. "FLAMBOYANT."

I'M TELLING GOD
HE'S FLAMBOYANT.

WELL,
THANKS FOR LISTENING.

I FEEL BETTER
JUST HAVING TALKED.

AND IF YOU'VE
GOT AN ANSWER,

ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN
GIVE ME A SIGN.

BUT NOTHING CRAZY, NOW.
PLEASE.

GOODBYE.

DENNIS, WHAT
DO YOU MEAN

IT'S NOT SUCH
A GOOD IDEA THAT
I HAVE THE OPERATION?

I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN
A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION
IS SUCH A DRASTIC STEP.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW.

DENNIS?

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT...
WELL, I'VE BEEN THINKING,

MAYBE IT'S NOT
SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

WHY?

DENNIS,
WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'M GONNA MARRY JILL.

YOU'RE WHAT?

EXCUSE ME. I, UH...

I HAVE TO
GO MEET MANDELBAUM.

SEE, HE, UH,
HE CHALLENGED ME

TO A RACE AROUND
THE HOSPITAL FLOOR.

I'LL BE BACK
IN A WEEK OR 2.

YOU'RE GONNA
MARRY HER?

YES.

WELL, THAT'S
ONE WEDDING NIGHT

THEY COULD SHOW
ON SATURDAY MORNING
TELEVISION.

LOOK, JODIE,
I'M SORRY.

NO, I LOVE IT.

A HOMOSEXUAL AND
A STARLET ARE GETTING
MARRIED.

YOU'LL KILL EACH OTHER
FIGHTING OVER
THE ELECTRIC ROLLERS.

JODIE?

YOU'RE GONNA
MARRY HER, DENNIS?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE GETTING
YOURSELF INTO?

JODIE, I'M SCARED.

WELL, I DON'T BLAME YOU.

NO, I HAVE TO DO IT.

JODIE, I'M
A FOOTBALL PLAYER.

THAT'S ALL I KNOW.

AND SOON I'LL HAVE TO
EARN A LIVING

FROM HAVING BEEN
A FOOTBALL PLAYER.

I'M NOT THE SMARTEST GUY
IN THE WORLD.

I CAN'T DO
ANYTHING ELSE, JODIE.

LOOK, EVEN IF YOU
HAVE THE OPERATION,

I MEAN, SOONER OR LATER,
PEOPLE WOULD FIND OUT.

I'D NEVER BE ABLE
TO FIND WORK.

I CAN'T DO IT.

I DON'T WANT TO MARRY HER,
BUT I'M SCARED.

I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TROUBLE
BELIEVING IT, BUT...

I LOVE YOU.

AND I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

SORRY, JODIE.

OK, I'M FINE.

I AM FINE.

SURE, I'M FINE.

BOY, I CAN REALLY
PICK 'EM, HMM?

NO SENSE BEING A GIRL NOW.

ACTUALLY, THERE'S
NO SENSE IN BEING.

IT'S CHECKOUT TIME.

IT'LL MAKE LIFE
A LOT EASIER FOR ME...

MOM, BURT, ANITA BRYANT.

TIME FOR YOUR PILL,
MR. DALLAS.

NURSE, THEY WANT YOU
IN 514, QUICK!

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS.

VERY NICE.

WHAT, ARE YOU TRYIN'
TO TELL ME SOMETHIN'?

JUST, UH, A FEW OF THESE,

A COUPLE OF THE YELLOW.
LOVE THE LAVENDER ONES...

A WHOLE BUNCH OF THESE.

I WONDER HOW LONG
THIS'LL TAKE.

JODIE?

JODIE, DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY WIFE?

I KNOW, UH, YOU'RE NOT
IN THE MOOD RIGHT NOW

TO HEAR STORIES
BY OLD MEN, BUT, UH,

YOU'LL LISTEN,
'CAUSE IT, UH,
IT COULD HELP.

SEE, MY WIFE, JODIE.

OH, MY WIFE
WAS A WONDER.

I SWEAR SHE
WAS A MIRACLE, JODIE.

SHE USED TO WALK
DOWN THE STREET,

THE WHOLE BRONX
WOULD LIGHT UP.

I USED TO STARE
AT HER IN AMAZEMENT,

THINKING HOW LUCKY I WAS.

AND AFTER 15 YEARS,

I STILL STARED AT THAT
WOMAN IN AMAZEMENT.

SHE WAS ALL
I NEEDED, JODIE.

I HAD THE WHOLE WORLD
RIGHT THERE.

IF I DIED,
I COULD HAVE DIED HAPPY.

THE, UH,

THE TROUBLE WAS
THAT SHE DIED.

ONE DAY, SHE WAKES UP,

A LITTLE LUMP.

6 MONTHS LATER,

BING, BING...

THE LIGHT GOES OUT
ON MY LIFE.

OH, BOY. I TELL YOU,

I WALKED AROUND
FOR MONTHS.

I WAS DOUBLED OVER.

IT'S LIKE
SOMEBODY SLUGGED ME.

I WENT THROUGH
THE NORMAL ROUTINE
OF DAILY LIVING,

I ATE, I SLEPT,
I WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

AND IN BETWEEN THESE
3 MAJOR ACTIVITIES, JODIE,

THERE WAS
A LOT OF PAIN.

I NEVER THOUGHT
I'M EVER GONNA
FALL IN LOVE AGAIN.

AH!

WELL, A FEW YEARS LATER,

I MET A REDHEAD.

NOT LIKE MY WIFE, NO,
ENTIRELY DIFFERENT.

SO, I ATE, I SLEPT,
I WENT TO THE BATHROOM,
AND, UH,

ONE DAY...

I LAUGHED.

ONE DAY I NOTICED
I... I LAUGHED.

THEN ANOTHER DAY,
I HUMMED.

AND THEN SOON AFTER,
I SANG.

WELL, I MARRIED HER.

OH, JODIE,

IF WE WEREN'T HAPPY. AH!

IN AN ENTIRELY
DIFFERENT WAY.

SEE, IT WASN'T...
WASN'T BETTER,
IT WASN'T WORSE,

IT, UH, IT WAS DIFFERENT.

THERE I WAS,
MISERABLE BARNEY GERBER,

HAPPY AGAIN.

YOU SEE, JODIE,
YOU SEE HOW SMART I WAS.

I THOUGHT I'LL
NEVER LOVE AGAIN.

I THOUGHT I'LL NEVER
BE HAPPY AGAIN. HUH?

I ALSO THOUGHT...

I'LL NEVER HAVE TO
SAY GOODBYE AGAIN.

HMM.

YEAH, 10 YEARS
WE WERE HAPPY, JODIE.

AND THEN, ONE DAY,
SOME MANIAC,

WITH BOURBON IN HIS BLOOD,
SOMETHING ON HIS MIND,

RUNS THROUGH
A RED LIGHT.

AND STOPS BARNEY GERBER
RIGHT IN MID-SONG.

WELL...

THAT WAS 16 MONTHS AGO.

WELL, SINCE THEN,
I HAVE EATEN,

I HAVE SLEPT,

OCCASIONALLY I WENT
TO THE BATHROOM.

AND I, UH...

I HAD A HEART ATTACK.

SO I SAID,
"GERBER, THAT'S ALL.

YOU'RE FINISHED.
FORGET IT."

WHAT? IT'S NEVER
GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN.

ONCE WAS WONDERFUL.
TWICE WAS INCREDIBLE.

A 3RD TIME? COME ON,
YOU'RE KIDDING YOURSELF.

COME ON.

A 3RD TIME
WOULD BE ASKING
FOR A MIRACLE.

BUT YOU KNOW
SOMETHING, JODIE,

I DON'T REALLY
BELIEVE THAT.

IF I BELIEVED THAT,
I WOULDN'T BE HERE,

IN THIS HOTEL,

LETTING THEM SEW DACRON
INTO MY HEART TO
HOLD IT TOGETHER.

I WOULDN'T BE HERE,
BEGGING MY BLOOD

TO VISIT MY HEART
AT LEAST A
FEW TIMES A DAY,

YOU KNOW,
TO KEEP IT GOING.

I WOULDN'T BE HERE
AT ALL, JODIE,

IF I DIDN'T BELIEVE
THERE COULD BE...

A 3RD TIME.

AH, LISTEN,
LISTEN, MEIN KIND,

I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T FEEL
SO TERRIFIC RIGHT NOW.

BUT WAIT, JODIE. WAIT.

SOMEDAY, I GUARANTEE,

YOU'RE GONNA HEAR
SOMEBODY LAUGHING,

AND YOU'LL TURN AROUND...

AND IT'LL BE YOU.

ARE THE TATES
AND THE CAMPBELLS CURSED?

ARE THEY JUST
HAVING A RUN OF BAD LUCK?

IS DANNY'S RABBI DISGUISE
GOOD ENOUGH TO FOOL THE MOB?

IS IT GOOD ENOUGH
FOR HIM TO PERFORM
PASSOVER SERVICES?

WILL FATHER TIM
GET A SIGN FROM GOD?

A PHONE CALL?
A MAILGRAM? SOMETHING.

WILL JODIE LIVE?

THESE QUESTIONS
AND MANY OTHERS

WILL BE ANSWERED
ON NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

SOAP.