Single by 30 (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - First, First Date - full transcript

JOANNA:
Oh, my God, I'm so full.

Why do you think you need smores
when you're camping?

Mm, I don't think
sleeping on a football field

can be considered camping.

Heh, come on, Senior Sleepover
has been pretty awesome so far.

Yeah...

except this stupid sprinkler
jabbing me in my back.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, have you decided yet?

[SIGHS]
No, I'm still deciding

between UCLA and Brown.



Seriously, you should go
to UCLA with us.

[CHUCKLES]

You and Lisa are teaming up
on me, aren't you?

Well, for good reason.

I mean, look,
all our friends'll be there,

and we'll still be
close to home.

It'll be
just like high school.

I mean,
except less classes.

And more parties.

[LAUGHS]

Ah, I don't know, I just--

I always thought of UCLA
as my backup school.

Like, if I start at Brown,
and I don't like it,

I can always transfer
to UCLA, you know?



[♪♪♪]

I wish you would've
applied to Brown.

Yeah, I just
didn't want to risk it.

Hi.

Hi.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[LAUGHTER]

[♪♪♪]

PETER:
Okay, time to get up.

Okay. Mm!

Coffee?

Yeah, I'll take
the whole pot.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, that was
a cool wedding.

The food was great,

company was good.

I'm so happy
for Lisa and Ryan.

Oh, we should
get them something.

Yeah, I was planning on it.

Oh, hey, you wanna do
a late check out?

Hang for a bit?

You wanna stay?

Yeah, while we're here.

Ugh, this thing's
not working.

Oh, I'll go
to the hotel cafe.

Almond milk
and two sugars?

Wow, that is
my coffee order.

Oh, missed call from Lisa.

I'll call her
while you're gone.

You gonna tell her?

Um, about this?

Maybe.

Heh, okay,
you know that women

literally
tell each other everything?

Like, she texted me
the other day

when she was thinking
about eating an orange.

You gonna tell Mark?

If it comes up.

You know, dudes keep it
close to the vest.

Dude!

Oh, you drawing out that dude

can only mean one thing.

My plan worked. You hooked up,
you little dirty dog.

Mm, it wasn't your plan, but
I did have an incredible night.

Ah. So who was it?
Bridesmaid?

Maid of Honor?
Bride's mom?

Grandma?
I'll keep going.

My best friend.

Wait, I-- I wasn't there.

Wait.
You hooked up with Joanna!

Wait, I'm not
your best friend?

It was amazing.

I mean,
after all these years...

Everything was perfect.

Heh. Well, look,
I'm happy for you,

but are you sure it isn't just,
you know, wedding goggles?

I know, people hook up
at weddings all the time,

but that's not what that was.

You know, and Joanna's
not some wedding rando.

This is real.

Wow, there are
a million guys

saying the exact same thing
at your hotel right now.

Look, just, just be careful.

I think we're good.

Okay, real quick. Am I
really not your best friend?

LISA [ON PHONE]:
What happened last night?
You disappeared.

Um, Peter and I...

Oh, my God, you told him?

No. Um, but...

we actually
hooked up last night.

What? Heh, oh, my God!

Oh, this is so exciting.
It's more exciting than my baby.

Our baby.

What happened?
How was it?

It was good.

Really, really good, actually.

Oh, I knew it.

You can't dance that well
and not know what you're doing.

Mm. Mm-mm.

Don't gimme that.

I have 18 years of commitment
in my uterus.

Lisa, I'm kind of
freaking out right now.

Well, yeah, you just slept
with your best friend, so...

Yeah, it's just-- We went from
zero to sixty so fast, you know.

Says the girl
that made a marriage pact

with her best friend.

Okay, well, it's a lot easier
to talk about giving it a shot

in five months versus,
I don't know,

waking up next each other
five hours later.

Isn't that a good thing?

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

What happened to discovering
you wanted to marry him?

When did you know
you wanted to marry Ryan?

Were you always sure?

I knew it when I met him.

It never changed.

Okay, well, I met Peter
when I was like 12,

okay, so it's
a lot different for us.

Yeah, that's--
That's very different.

I just-- I'm a little
overwhelmed right now.

You know, it's like, I know
I said I could marry him,

but I don't know
if I want to date him.

You know, does that make sense?
I don't know.

Just... Maybe I just need
some space to decompress.

Yeah, you just
gotta get out of there.

You still have
the wedding fairy dust on you.

Okay, I was just saying
the same thing.

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH EXHALE]

I'm gonna miss this.

What are you talking about?

Lisa texted,
she said that she wants us

to get together with her
and Ryan this afternoon.

She's never approved
of any of my boyfriends,

so sadly, this was probably
goodbye sex for us.

What?
Uh, first of all,

I don't think you set
the bar very high

with the ex-boyfriend
of yours, Edmundo.

Okay, he didn't technically
steal my furniture,

he just was borrowing it
in a prolonged way.

Regardless,
I could bring home

the love child
of Brad Pitt and Mother Teresa,

and Lisa would still
find something wrong with him.

Wow, Pitt and Teresa,
I would love to sit down

and have a cup of coffee
with that kid.

I'm serious!

Nobody gets past my sister.

Oh. Well, that sounds
like a challenge.

Well, it's not.

Well, it definitely
sounds like one.

Well, I can-- I guess I--

I can see how somebody
could interpret it that way.

Look, you tell Lisa
that I'm ready.

You tell her
I'm not gonna back down,

and you tell her that
I've been waiting

for this moment
my entire life.

Or I could just tell her

that we're on
for this afternoon.

Or you could
just tell her we're on

for this afternoon,
that works too, yeah.

But seriously,
be forewarned,

if she doesn't like you,

I just, I don't see
how this is gonna work.

I'm like, okay,
can you just like relax?

She's gonna like me.
Have you seen me?

I am a Mark amongst men.

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

Wow, that was poetic.

Mm-mm.

Remind me to put that
in my Twitter bio.

No.

Yep.

Hey, I thought
we were staying.

I got a late check out.

I just wanna get back
on the road, you know?

Oh. Okay.

Yeah.

Here.

Oh.

Thank you.

Mm-hm.

Oh. Careful,
morning breath.

Right.

Hey, don't forget
your suit in the closet.

Okay.

PETER:
You really want to get out
of here quickly, huh?

JOANNA [GASPS]:
Oh, I just, uh,

I wanna get home, you know?

Weddings really
take it out of you.

Hey, are you cool with
what happened last night?

Yes, absolutely.

It's just so new,
you know?

New... good?

Hey, Peter,

I like you, okay.

I'm glad we're doing this.

I just, heh, feel like
we skipped a couple steps.

Heh, you think?

I mean...

our story right now is,

we met in high school,

and we made a pact
to get married,

don't talk for 12 years,
reunite,

date other people,

and then hook up
at a wedding.

Heh, yeah, don't forget

the awkward walk
to the car afterwards.

I don't know, I just,
like I wish

that it had happened
differently, you know?

I wish you'd asked me out,

or I don't--
I don't know.

Hey, I have an idea.

Let's just rewrite
our story.

Will you go
on a date with me?

When?

How about now?

I would like that.

[♪♪♪]

PETER:
Hey, why don't
we check out that trail?

Here?

Yeah. I Yelped this,

and the review said
this is a perfect first date.

So...

So...

[LAUGHS]

I guess this is
a first date,

so, um,
nice to meet you, Peter.

Well,
nice to meet you too.

You know what, I gotta say,
I was a little nervous

that you weren't gonna look
like your profile pic,

but you look
even better in person.

You know, I'm pretty glad
that you didn't turn out

to be a serial killer.

But the date's
not over yet, so...

That's right.

You know, it is so scary
dating strangers?

Yeah, I guess
it's kind of intense.

Yeah. Heh, did I tell you
about the guy

that invited me to a gathering
of the Juggalos?

What? Really?

Yeah. Yeah, but...

Oh, did I ever tell you

that on my first date
with Sarah,

I almost bailed?

Really?

Yeah, yeah. She came in

right after the hospital,

and she was lookin' all...

Wait, maybe we shouldn't

talk about other people
on our first date?

Uh, yeah,

it's kind of a red flag
on a first date,

talking about exes?

Yeah,
I'm just so used to us

being able
to talk about anything,

but now that we're...

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

I mean, we could still
talk about anything,

we just--

Yeah, totally.

[BOTH NERVOUSLY LAUGH]

[JOANNA SIGHS]

Okay, so how about
you tell me

something
I don't know about you.

Um, all right.

Well, you didn't really know me
during my Thailand party phase.

Oh, really?

Heh, yeah.

Well, tell me how that was.

Ah, probably
my wildest night out there,

I was out dancing
till sunrise,

I think I was rolling
for like 10 hours straight.

Rolling, like molly?

Yeah.

Huh, red flag?

Look, it's not like it's
something I did regularly.

No, it's cool, I...

just didn't take you
as the type of person--

The type of person who what?

I didn't mean it...

Yeah, maybe we should just talk
about something different. Ahem.

Sorry, I--
This is coming out wrong.

Hey, you wanna
take a walk?

[STRESSED]
Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

LISA:
So Mark, what do you do?

Nothing.

I was lucky enough
to sell my last business,

and now I'm living off
that money.

God!
That's the dream, right?

Heh. Is it the dream
to be unemployed

and slowly watch
your money drain away?

Yeah.

As a small business owner,

I understand Mark's struggle.
Boom or bust, right?

Exactly. Let me tell you about
my latest business venture.

Mark, no.

Mark, yes.

Okay, you ready for this?

I'm ready.

I created this app
for creating memes.

I called it
What Do You Meme ?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, that's hilarious.

You like that?

I love that.

You liked what?
You hate puns.

Last week, you angrily cursed
that soup and salad place,

Lettuce Souprise You.

Those bastards try way too hard.

Uh, I'd like
to propose a toast.

[SIGHS]

To birth...

The birth of this...

beautiful...

cha-- chacur--
Shakira plate.

It's charcuterie.

To the birth
of friendship.

And most of all,

to the birth
of your child,

a future king or queen,

who will surely
unite the people,

and protect our realm
as we know it.

That's so beautiful.

Cheers.

Cheers to you.

Cheers.

[RYAN CHUCKLES]

Cheers.

[QUIET]
Nice one.

He's a keeper.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, so...

Tell me something
I don't know about Peter Ma.

What'd you do
after college?

I started working
for my parents.

That's it?

You just graduated,
and the next day

you're punching
the clock?

Well...

basically.

I mean-- I mean, I got
a degree in business,

and then my mom had
hurt her knee,

and they needed my help.

I did almost help start
Massive Supply.

What? Massive Supply,
like the accessories brand?

Yep.

But they're huge!

Yeah. Uh, a college buddy
of mine, Josh,

was one of the guys
that started it.

And he was looking to hire
a business development guy,

but... I wasn't sure
if I was qualified.

Plus, with everything
going on at home,

it just didn't feel right.

Did you ever think about
reaching back out to him?

Funny thing is,
I, uh, spoke to Josh

a few weeks ago,
and you know,

he mentioned that there was
a few positions opening up.

Peter!
You should go for it!

Yeah, but it's
in San Francisco.

Heh.
What, are you just gonna

live in your hometown
and work for your parents

the rest of your life?

You make that sound
like it's a bad thing.

I didn't mean it
that way, okay?

Just, you know,
take a chance.

I lived in Singapore.
It was a blast.

Yeah, but
you were younger then,

and it's different
when it's 30.

No, it's not.

Joanna, my whole life

would flip upside down.

I mean, I have
responsibilities here

with my parents
and the business,

and then what if
it doesn't work out?

You know, then I would've
given everything up,

and come back
as a failure.

That's what I did.

I don't feel
like a failure.

You think I'm a failure?

I wasn't saying that.

I just mean...

it wasn't right for me.

Well, to me,
it sounds like

you're just scared.

You don't understand.

[SIGHS]

You know,
maybe I don't.

We should probably just
get back to the car.

What the hell was that?

What do you mean?
Or should I say...

Don't--

♪ What do you meme? ♪

♪ Oh-ooh-oh-oh ♪

I liked him!
I thought he was amazing!

Seriously?

Yeah.

He talked about himself
the entire time.

He made a cheesy toast.

He wears Axe body spray--
on purpose.

You hate all of those things.

I liked the toast.

You once dismissed a guy

because he had
an outie belly button.

Those sick people
with outies

should have
their own dating website.

I've honestly been
anxious all day

just anticipating how you're
going to criticize Mark

and how you're going
to end our relationship,

because you always do that.

Why aren't you doing that?

Chloe, because I see
the way he looks at you.

Plus, I can tell
you really like him.

How?

Instagram.

You're on Instagram?

Super secret account.

[SCOFFS]

This is the first time

in history that you have
more pictures with a guy

than you do
of your breakfast, okay?

Oh, and I love that picture
of you guys at the aquarium.

The aquarium?
That's a deep dive.

Throw a girl
a like next time.

Chloe, I know you value
my approval.

And you have it.

Just don't mess this up, okay?
He cares enough

about you
to give a cheesy toast

to your future
nephew and niece,

which he clearly ripped off
from Game of Thrones.

Plus, I don't want you
swiping right when you're

holding my baby.

Oh, I'm not going to.

I'm going to be
like an awesome aunt.

I'm gonna give all
the hard-hitting advice

that a kid can't get
from their lame mom.

I'm not gonna be
a lame mom.

I'm gonna be a cool mom.

Okay, well, the first rule
of being a cool mom

is that you don't say
that you're a cool mom.

Okay, duly noted.

We're having a moment.

We are.

Let's take
a sister selfie.

Okay, for my secret account.

Yeah, okay.

One, two, three.

[SHUTTER CLICKING]

How do you pose so nicely?

You just have to pretend

like something smells bad,
but you're still hot.

What?

[♪♪♪]

Thanks.

I may have said some things
that came out wrong today.

It's okay, I mean,
I feel like we both

were pretty tired
from the wedding, you know?

Yeah,

that's probably it.

But hey,

nice to meet you today.

Right, yes.

Um, first date thing.

Okay.

I'll see you later.

[♪♪♪]

It was a pleasure
meeting you, Lisa.

Yeah, you too.

All right. Heh.

Didn't know hugs were an option.

LISA: Okay, let's go.

RYAN: Okay.

CHLOE: Bye.

RYAN: See ya, Chloe.

CHLOE: Bye, you guys.

RYAN: All right, bye, guys.

CHLOE: Drive safe.

RYAN: Look me up.

MARK: Yeah. Heh.

So did I kill it,
or what?

You killed it!

Lisa said that you have

her stamp of approval.

What?

Okay, wait,
so what does that mean?

That I'm part
of the family now?

Oh, my God, no.
It just means

that you're my boyfriend.

Your boyfriend?

Mm-hm.

Huh.

Cool.

[LAUGHS]

I'd like to make a toast.

No, no more toasts.

Nope.

Okay, what--

Mm, I can
get into that.

[SPORTS PLAYING
INDISTINCTLY ON TELEVISION]

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

[NOTIFICATION CHIMES]

[KNOCKS ON GLASS DOOR]

Hi.

Hi.

I had a bad day,
and I just wanted

to talk to my best friend,
is that okay?

[♪♪♪]

So I, um,

went on a date today

with this guy.

Uh-huh...

And I really like him.

That's good.

Yeah, but...

we've known each other
for a really long time,

so going on
an actual date together

is kind of different.

Do you want to stay friends
with this guy?

I think that I want
to be more than friends,

but it's also weird.

Ugh, Peter,

the day after
we sleep together,

we have one of the worst days
of our friendship?

We have never treated each other
like we did today.

Red flags ?

You're my oldest friend,
you're not some guy

on Tinder I'm supposed
to judge in two seconds.

Look, I know I wasn't

the best version
of myself today.

I wasn't either, and I really,
really wanted to be.

Then what happened?

I think we were
just trying too hard.

You know, we forgot
what makes us work.

I mean, it's--

It's this, you know.

It's...

It's hanging out,
and...

having milkshakes,
and...

talking about my day
with my best friend.

[♪♪♪]

That felt better.

What is it?

What about the pact?

I don't know.

Can we just not worry
about that right now?

Sure.

[♪♪♪]