Single Parents (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Sport - full transcript

This is exciting!

First practice of the season
for the Gators!

L.A. youth soccer's
premier team... for fun!

I know I'm excited.

By the look of it,

you guys are a version of excited, too.

Now, I know we didn't have
the most wins last season.

- We had zero.
- That is true.

That is accurate, it's an actual number,
we had zero wins.

But guess what? I don't care.

'Cause I'm all about having fun



and celebrating the kinetic
energy of life, right?

So I want you to get up,
get on that field,

and, guys, just be kind
to yourselves, okay?

"No pressure" on three.

One, two, three!

- No pressure!
- No pressure.

All right, let's get up
and kick the ball around, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Dad, come on.

What's with the entire

"winning doesn't matter" thing?

You can't possibly believe that.

Uh, get to know me.

Will Cooper, your biological
and day-to-day father.



I don't give a beaver's dam
about winning.

All I care about is fun, sportsmanship,

and making memories with my daughter

I can use at my speech
at her wedding, all right?

Now come on,
hit me with that Gator shake.

In case you were wondering,
that moment did not go well.

Rory! Poppy!

Did you come to cheer us on
to start off the season?

No. Does anyone come to cheer
the team on at practice?

We do have our die-hards.

Let the games begin.

Oh.

Hey, Ror, will you give
me and Will a minute?

Sure. I'll go grab a drink and a nibble.

Will, where is the café?

Uh, this is a soccer field.

Cute how you think
that means something to me.

Hey, I was wondering,

is there any room on the team for Rory?

Rory?

- Does he do... sports?
- Oh, never.

But I think being on a team
will be good for him.

Now that he's class president,

he's become too self-involved.

Last week, he had
a self-portrait commissioned.

- I gotta balance that out.
- Okay.

Well, all I ask is
that he care a little.

I mean, team morale is kinda low.

We... suck.

So, is that a yes? He's on the team?

I need him to be on the team.

- Yes, he's on the team.
- Oh, thank you!

And by the way,

don't feel like you have to
play him right away.

He's literally never
kicked a ball in his life.

Ew!

Get that thing away from me!

Did I just do a soccer?

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

02x05 - Sport
Original air date October 23, 2019

Hello, Angie.

I'll kill you!

Sorry... reflex. Hi.

You like living in my sauna?

Like it?

Graham and I love it.

Our pores are so open,
I'm afraid our souls will escape.

Enough of the small talk.

I'm here as your landlord
to, uh, report an incident.

How was your day?

So, Graham asked you how your day was.

How is that an incident?

I'm an American man!

I go into the world
and I suffer through my day

with the understanding
that when I return at home,

my suffering is going to be
rewarded in three ways...

a Scotch,

a "JAG" rerun

that I haven't seen in a while,

and silence.

That ship's sailed, buddy.

You took us in in our time of need.

Graham is basically your shelter dog.

Yeah, well, you know what?

I don't want a shelter dog.

No one really does.

But now you got one.

And he's gonna follow you around,

talk to you.

You have kids.

Don't they talk to you?

We live by a shared code

of mutual disinterest
in each other's lives.

That's weird, man.

But this is Graham. He's sweet.

He's like if a cinnamon bun
wanted to give you a hug.

He just wants to be close to you.

See it as a nice thing.

Nah.

If you want to keep living here,

you're gonna have to tell him
to give me my personal space.

And while you're at it, let him know

to keep his hands off my Raisinets.

Those are my "JAG" snacks.

I... I... I'm sorry.

I'll definitely talk to him.

Keep buyin' 'em if you want, old man.

I'll just steal 'em again.

Dad, check it out!

♪ You're so bad, we're so good ♪

♪ Welcome to the Gator-hood ♪

Oh, my God, I just got a thumbs up.

That's like the universal symbol
for "I love you, Daddy.

Because of you, I'm confident enough

- to never date a bad man."
- Ugh.

It's all because of Rory.

Well, who knew he'd be
so good at sports?

I mean, he still calls
basketball "the orange one."

Now look at him.

Gosh, he's doing the Gator chant.

Ooh! He's a team player.

My plan is working.

I mean, because of him,

we actually have a fighting chance

- at the tournament this weekend.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, which reminds me,

I need a copy of
Rory's birth certificate.

Birth certificate?
For a kids' soccer league?

Yeah, just to prove his age.

'Cause it's a 9-and-under league.

Oh. Well, you know Rory.

He's 9. We good?

No, actually.

League policy.

If I don't have a copy
of his birth certificate,

Rory can't play.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Well, I mean, if you must know,

that document has been lost
in a... a mudslide.

- You were in a mudslide?
- Mm-hmm.

Or was it a hurricane?

Hurricane... Edith.

Yes. I'm surprised
you don't remember, Will.

You're a weatherman. Shame on you.

So, you lost Rory's birth certificate

in a hurricane that
hit Louisiana in 1971?

Come at a weatherman, you best not miss.

Stay... tuned... for... traffic.

Okay, it was a fire, and the, um...

Poppy, what's going on?

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Rory isn't 9. He's 10.

- No, he's not.
- Yes, he is.

Wait, so the Ryan Murphy-themed
birthday party

for a 9-year-old I went to

was actually a Ryan Murphy-themed
birthday party for a...

A 10-year-old, yeah.

'Cause he wasn't turning 9,
he was actually turning...

10. 10.

Oh, my God. Rory's 10?

He's 10. And he doesn't know.

He doesn't know his real age.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

It's not okay.

No.

Hey. What are you doing?

Waiting by the door.

For what?

When Douglas comes home,

I thought maybe we'd hang.

Throw back some root beer,
play some Twister...

see where the night takes us.

You know, as much as
I'd pay to see that,

we should talk.

Buddy...

I think you need
to give Douglas some space.

- Why?
- Because he's not normal.

And he's from a generation

where it was okay to give
your children to firefighters.

But, you know, we're his guests,
and if we want to stay here,

we have to respect
his particular way of living.

But I care about Douglas.

How am I supposed
to pretend that I don't?

Oh, great. People.

Doug... las.

Evenin'.

And to you.

Did I do good, Mom?

Was I coldhearted enough?

Oh, buddy. You were great.

But I have so many questions.

He had a soup stain on his shirt.

How did it get there?

Was it a "cream of," and if so, of what?

My guess is he was eating soup
while wearing a shirt.

End of story.

So, I'm just supposed
to leave him alone?

Show no interest?

Pretty much.

Well, today I've learned
a valuable lesson...

if you care about someone,
keep it to yourself.

Mom... how do I learn to be
dead inside like you?

Buddy...

Uh...

I'll tell you one day.

But not today, okay?

Forget what I said.

You just... don't change who you are.

Be yourself,

even if that means annoying
the crap out of Douglas.

- You mean it, Mom?
- Yes.

Oh!

That giant'll just have to deal with it.

He's not the only giant in the house.

I'm feeling 10 feet tall.

Douglas!

Douglas, where are you?!

Well, we had a good run.

I'll miss you, rich guy's house.

I can't believe it.

Rory is 10?!

Okay, okay, keep your voice
down, all right?

Nobody knows this except, well, me, Ron,

our pediatrician, and Miggy.

- Miggy knows?
- Yeah.

You know we like to share
secrets through the vent.

Okay, I'll say it...
I've never washed my jeans.

Yeah, well, you think that's bad?

Rory doesn't know his real age.

What?

Okay, I'm very jealous of
vent time and want in somehow.

But I... I still don't understand.

I know it's hard to believe,

but Rory was really small for his age.

He just... he fit in better
with the younger kids,

- so I held him back.
- Okay, but why lie about it?

Because I didn't want him
to have the stigma

of being left back.

I mean, I was gonna tell him
down the line,

but now I am in deep.

I mean, this is like when I got bangs.

I've had bangs.

This is nothing like that.

But I'm sorry you've had
to carry this around with you.

- It's a lot.
- Thank you for saying that.

But, as much as I hate to say it,

Rory can't play on the Gators.

You know our team motto...
"We don't cheat."

No, sorry, that's it.
There's no spin or anything.

No, I get it, I get it.

And it just sucks,

especially considering
how being on a winning team

has brought you and Sophie closer.

Yeah, it has, but...
I guess that goes away.

Or does it...?

Poppy?

Look, you and Sophie can have
a whole winning season.

Imagine.

State playoffs in Sacramento.

You and her, sharing a hotel room.

You send her down the hallway
to get ice all by herself

because you trust her.

- She'd feel so empowered.
- Exactly.

And all you have to do
is keep a teeny, tiny secret.

Dad, come see what we did
to the Gator chant!

Rory says he knows a Laker girl

who can dance it out!

So cool! I'll be right there, honey!

All right, I'm in.

Don't look down, Pop-pop.

I'm a bad bitch now.

Ooh! Yes, Lizzo.

All right, game day.

Sophie, how we doing?

We're gonna win!

We're gonna get so much ice
in Sacramento!

What?

You'll see.

Poppy, are we really doing this?

Are you cracking?

- Of course I'm cracking!
- Relax, okay?

Will, all you got to do

is keep the secret in your mouth,

and keep your mouth... shut.

We have the makings
of a solid death pact.

Rory! Come on!

Yeah!

Take a load off. I made lunch.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

The Gators are unstoppable.

Yeah! Uh-huh.

Rory. Rory!

Yeah!

Need a caddy?

Want to hit the green?

Come on! Get 'em!

Goooooo!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Aaaah!

Yeeeeah!

Yeaaaah!

Yes! Yes!

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

Yaaah!

The Gators are headed
to the championship.

Yeaaaah!

Hey, Douglas,

I've been trying
to figure this thing out,

and it's nothing like tying your shoes.

- You got a minute?
- No, no, I... I don't have a minute.

Okay. I'll come back later.

No, no! No, no.

Don't... Don't... Don't come back.

Come on, what is it with you, kid?

What do you want to hang out

with an old man for, anyway, huh?

Because I care about you.

Let me release you from that obligation.

That is the greatest gift

that one person can give to another.

Just because we live
under the same roof,

we're still in this alone. Okay?

What's "this"?

This.

This! Life!

It's all pointless.

You want to know how to get through it?

It's every man for himself!

You better learn that.

What's going on?

It's okay, Mom.

I'm gonna go tell Mr. Roar
that nothing matters.

Attaboy.

What is the matter with you?

How can you talk to Graham like that?

Look, I've already told you,
I like my space.

I gave you fair warning.

What do you want me to do?

Did you have to yell at him?

Can't you just do what I do...

pretend you have to go to the bathroom

and then hang out in there
for, like, an hour?

Or, radical thought...

give in and spend some time with him.

You're his family.
What does he want from me?

Wild guess, a male role model.

Graham's never lived with a man before.

So maybe he was hoping
to do some guy things,

like call a boat a "she"

or go shopping for jeans at Costco,

or whatever the hell you men do!

And by the way,

Graham does think of you as his family.

But apparently you're just our landlord.

And since we're just your tenants,

we may as well live somewhere
that's safer for Graham

and less damp for me.

W...

He...

Sonuvabitch. I knew it.

Tony, hide the Whoppers!

Go get 'em, Rory!

Here we go now. Oh!

Yeah, Rory!

Yeah, take 'em! Take 'em! Get 'em!

Oh, no!

Come on, ref, watch this kid's hands!

Playing dirty.

Coach, what is that?

You want to control your players here?

Nice. All right. Rory!

All right, listen up.

I want you to kick that ball
through that kid's chest.

But I thought soccer
wasn't about winning or losing.

He got jokes. He got jokes.

- God, we have fun.
- We sure do.

All right, come on.

Hey, Will.

So, we're up 24-0.

Why don't you let someone else
take the penalty kick?

Are you kidding? I want a blowout.

I want a soccer journal
in Brazil writing an article

wondering if I went too far.

Rory's gonna kill that kid.

I saw him try to pick
a dandelion earlier,

and he couldn't rip it from the ground.

Then he shouldn't be on the field.

Rory's my kid, and I want him out.

When he's on this field, he's my kid!

All right, Rory!

Let's send this kid
on an ambulance ride, huh?

Okay, look, that's it. Rory, you're out.

- Poppy, Poppy, you can't be on the field.
- Let's go.

Poppy! Poppy, what are you doing?

We're leaving. Come on.

N-No, no. No way.

There is still whoop-ass
left in this can.

Beat it, Poppy.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah.

It's not my fault I'm the strongest

and best kicker on this team.

They need me. I am special.

You're not special, okay? You're 10.

What?

You're not 9, you're 10,

and you're too old for this league.

Well, this is shocking!

Sophie, get in the car.

I did not know about this!

Sophie, I'm serious,
get in the car, okay?

Coach Floyd, did you know about this?

'Cause if you did, you are screwed!

Sophie, run!

Hey, baby, how you doing?

How do you think? I'm 10.

I turned double digits,
and I didn't even know it.

You know how excited I was
for my 10th birthday.

Why else would I be cultivating
nine Rory look-alikes?

Honey, I am so sorry.

Ugh.

God, I wasn't thinking about any of this

that day at the playground.

Was that the day
you decided to ruin my life?

You were just a toddler,

and some kids were
picking on you for being small.

Small?

I am huge!

I got a free coffee at Dunkin'

because they thought that I was a cop!

I know, baby, but you weren't then.

You were itty bitty

with big ol' eyes and a crooked smile.

And some kids were calling you names,

so I stepped in, and I yelled at them

in a way that...

Whoo!

I won't tell you all the details,

but I was escorted
from the playground that day.

Poppy, you animal.

Later, I was talking to your dad,

and I was stressing about
what would happen

when I couldn't be there.

I wanted you to have an edge.

You were already dealing with so much...

parents whose marriage
was hanging by a thread,

not to mention just being
a black boy in America.

I had hoped it would make you confident.

Well, it worked.

I love myself.

But all this time,

I thought it was because I was special.

But really, I'm just old.

Hey.

Rory Denzel Banks,

I don't care what age you are,

you are special.

Maybe these days, a little too special.

Getting elected Class President
really went to your head.

All right, I'll tone it back.

But I just don't know
how to face my friends.

They all know, Mom.

It's embarrassing.

I'm sorry, Rory!

We just did what we thought was best!

Miggy, go to sleep!

Is Jack down there?

I just feel like I'm done
with Nicole Kidman.

Surprise!

Happy birthday!

And look who's here.

- My look-alikes!
- Hi!

This is amazing!

- Hi, guys!
- Happy 10th birthday, baby.

Thanks.

- Birthday man!
- Hey, double digits!

- Hey, old man!
- So, you're 10, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

- Dude, that's so cool.
- Really?

You don't think of me as old?

Like some early morning mall-walker

in pants up to my nips?

What? No!

You're double digits.

That's rad.

Take it easy, Cooper.

He's the same kid,

just a little closer to death.

Sophie, hey.

I just want to apologize to you

for losing my mind earlier.

I guess I just can't handle winning.

Though, in my defense,
I had never done it before.

Well, it was kind of fun
to see you like that.

- Yeah.
- There's only one time where I'd to lie

and pretend you weren't my dad.

That's good.

Well, I definitely loved

spending so much time with you.

And if you're cool with it,

I'd love to keep that going,

even if we never win again.

I knew this whole time
and didn't tell a soul.

I feel like that should be
more of a headline.

I've grown bored of you, Miggy.

So...

- You moved out, huh?
- Almost.

All our stuff is still in my car.

And some of your stuff
that I took with us.

All right, look,
enough with the dramatics.

Just move back in.

Are you gonna apologize to Graham?

We Fogertys, we don't do
a lot of apologizing.

We're not a warm people.

I blame Mother.

And the Buffalo winters.

But mostly Mother.

Dreadful woman.

All right, I can try to do better.

Where is he?

Hey, kid. You know, you, uh...

You asked me something
the other day, and I...

Well, I... I really didn't answer.

I'll tell you what, stand up.

Now turn around.

Okay.

Now, here's the key.

You want to make sure that the thick end

is about 5 inches lower
than the thin end.

You wrap it once...

- I gotta know.
- Yeah?

You had soup on your shirt yesterday.

What's the story?

Well, I got a to-go soup at work,

and they didn't put the top on properly,

and it spilled everywhere.

That's a bummer, man.

Yeah, it was.

Ever since they changed over
to those eco-friendly lids,

well, the whole place has gone to hell.

Now, see what I did
with the thicker one?

I put it through the loop that we made,

down in front of the thin end...

And...

Look at that.

Huh?

Look at you.

Look at me.

Thanks, Douglas.

You got it, kid.

God, that's cute.

I'm sorry I tried to use your son
to win back my daughter's love.

I'm sorry, too.

I don't think either one of us
were prepared

for the dark underbelly
of 9-and-under youth soccer.

Well, at least we still have
our die-hards.

Sport!

- You see her too, right?
- Uh-huh.

And she's not the only weirdo.

- I'm still coming to every game.
- Mm.

Gotta come out and support
the assistant coach.

Remember, the name of the game
is teamwork.

Now watch and learn.

Five, six, seven, eight!

♪ You're so bad, we're so good ♪

♪ Welcome to the Gator-hood ♪

- Uh, so, when do they do soccer?
- We don't.

No, we're just basically
an outdoor dance

- troupe in cleats now.
- ♪ Welcome to the Gator-hood! ♪

If you'll excuse me,

I have to be thrown into the air.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com