Single Parents (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Big Widow Wives - full transcript

That's a big hole.

You can thank the axe-happy
fire department for that.

You know who can fix this for you?

The twins?

No. I can't afford them.

Their pricing's insane.

Do you want it done cheap,
or you want it done right?

Do people come to your work
and try to low-ball you?

We don't need a contractor.

And do you wanna know why?

- Oh, God. They're gonna rap.
- 'Cause...



♪ No whinin'! No bitchin'! ♪

♪ Pick up a hammer,
get your butt in the kitchen! ♪

See, now I'm sorry I'm here.

Oh, come on, Douglas.

It's the upbeat chant
that Kevin and Kerry Kitchen do

before they start a big project.

Kevin and Kerry Kitchen?

From "Mr. and Mrs. Kitchen."

Streaming's top-rated
home-renovation married couple?

- Unreal!
- Unreal, Douglas.

You have to engage in the culture, bud.

You're only as young
as your viewing habits.

I know who
Mr. and Mrs. Kitchen are, okay?

I'm not some Appalachian dog
chained to a dead tree.



I just don't understand
why you think you can fix a wall

based a TV show you've seen

about construction workers
in a failing marriage.

Kevin and Kerry are very much in love.

He is the fridge to her freezer.

Every relationship takes work.

- Every one.
- All right.

That's plenty for me.

Be well.

Dad, please hire the twins.

I want you coming home in one piece.

Too late. Our price just doubled.

You snooze, you lose, D'Amato.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Thanks for helping me patch this hole.

Got to show Graham

that fire damage isn't that scary.

You know, he's Graham.

The way he deals with fear
is very specific.

Turned his bedroom into a bunker again?

Yup.

He's probably gonna be
in there for a while.

I can't afford to miss any more work.

I already used up all my sick days

on the "Titanic" incident.

Hats off to you, Mr. Cameron.

- What an imagination.
- Oh, he didn't make it up, sweetie.

Titanic was a real ship that went down.

What?!

Okay, we have to fix this tonight.

And we will,

with the help of the heroic Mr. Kitchen.

Ma'am.

Hey, uh, Graham doesn't actually know

how the fire was started, does he?

That his dad was here

and you guys were doing stuff?

And then the printer exploded?

God, no!

No, I came up with a great cover story.

You have some nerve

showing your big, dumb face around here.

I maybe told him
that the printer catching fire

was your fault.

What?! How?

Well, I might have told him

that you were printing out

some "Little Mermaid"
fan fiction that you wrote,

where in the end,

instead of Ariel getting
her voice back, she dies.

- Angie!
- I panicked! I'm sorry.

I was raised to throw people
under the bus.

Strangled by a soda-can ring?

You're sick!

Oh, man, Poppy,
corporate life is killing me.

Must be nice to sit here
and do nothing all day.

Miggy, I own a business,

and you're a temp paralegal, so...

I didn't hear none of that.
I'm too tired.

Hey, Miggy,

we made a human saddle

so you can give us
piggyback rides all night.

Yeah, I saw them crafting it.

Seems sturdy,
but doesn't look comfortable.

Huh. Well, hey, I have an idea.

How about we play a game
called "Tired Dad"?

I'll be the Tired Dad,
and you be the friends

who take care of his toddler son.

That's a game?

Yeah, and it just started. Here.

Take my car keys
and get the A.C. running.

Toodle-oo.

Hey. So, Rory's at Graham's...

something about building a bunker.

I didn't ask, but I probably should've.

Anyway, on the bright side,

maybe you and I could hang out?

Oh, I would love to,

but I'm having some buddies
over tonight.

- Ah.
- I'd invite you,

but it just doesn't
seem like your scene.

Oh. A bunch of old white guys
assuring me they're not racist?

No, thanks. I've been to New England.

Okay, look, we'll have breakfast
at the track tomorrow.

- Yes, please.
- Okay.

Bye.

- Bad move, Poppy. You're blowing it.
- Hmm?

You're dating now. You've gotta
get in with his friends.

Well, yeah, but if I meet them,
then I can't imagine

they're not the bad guys
I know they are.

Mnh-mnh-mnh.

Look, relationships get stronger
if you bond with the homies.

When I was with Zara,

I became a math whiz

to impress all her smart friends.

Yeah. I memorized every
single number up to 236.

Well, you know you only
have to memorize the first 10

and then a pattern takes over?

- What do you mean?
- No, no, no.

We're not doing this.

But maybe you're right.

Maybe I shouldn't be afraid
to meet Douglas' crowd.

Cool. I'll go over there with you.

Miggy, you're watching the kids.

Still?

Damn, I'm tired.

- My name is Kerry.
- And I'm Kevin.

- And we're The Kitchens.
- The Kitchens.

It's our real name.

And now our job!

Aren't these guys just the freakin' best?

I-I know Kevin is on trial
for punching a Postmate,

but he's just so likable on the show.

I'm just still struggling with the fact

that you told Graham

I'm the one who set your house on fire.

But for a good reason...

killing America's favorite mermaid.

What was I supposed to tell him...

that his AWOL dad was here
and we had sex?

No, you're right.
It was one or the other.

Can you just take this fall for me,

just this one time?

I guess Kevin did
take the fall for Kerry

during the Norfolk job,

when she installed the bidet wrong

and it perforated
that homeowner's colon.

Yes. My man!

Now let's crank that theme song.

This is where I put my flashlight,

those are my canned goods,

and this is where I try to sleep

but don't, 'cause of all
the new fear in my heart.

Oh, Graham.

Oh, honey, sweetie, baby, darling.

We need to get you out of here.

But it's scary out there!

And in here, it's safe.

Think about it.

It's just you and me.

We could create a whole new society.

- A whole new society?
- Yeah.

And every society needs a ruler.

Well, it is my room...

Okay, I'll be the ruler of this bunker,

but you need to bend to my vision.

- What's your vision?
- Simple...

extended Kennedy family reclusiveness,

full-on "Grey Gardens."

That just seemed like a bunch of words,

but I'm in. Mold me.

Hi.

I know you said it's not my scene,

but I want to meet your friends,

and if that means that

I have to sign up
for an NRA mailing list,

then I'll send it straight to spam.

Oh, that won't help.

Once you're on the list,
they find you anyway.

See? I'm already learning something new.

Now move aside. I want to meet the guys.

- You don't want to.
- Douglas?

Poppy, meet the girls.

Mmm. Look at that spackling.

Our patchwork is so good,

it makes the rest of the wall
look like ass.

Now I can get Graham out of that bunker

before he starts pickling things.

All right, well, I will see you tomorrow.

Good night, Kerry.

Wait. You're leaving?

Uh, yeah, unless...

there's something else you need me for?

Actually, yes. There's so many
things that I haven't gotten to.

- Here's a list.
- Oh?

"Clean out fridge. Organize spice rack.

De-fuzz sweaters."

Are these fire-related emergencies?

No, not technically,

but it'd be great
to get 'em out of the way.

Uh-huh. Cool.

Um, you know I'm not
your handyman, right?

Well, yeah. Of course not.

I mean, if you were, I'd have to pay you.

Totally.

Also, not the point
I'm trying to make. Um...

Well, what is the point
you're trying to make?

Man, do you love a dramatic pause.

Angie, there's a giant rat behind you.

Now, please do not mistake my calm tone

for anything but gut-wrenching fear,

which is what you will
experience if you turn around,

so, Angie, do not turn around.

Oh, my God. That's a possum.

- There's a possum in my house.
- Yeah.

It looks really mean
and a little bit horny.

- Yeah.
- How did it get in here?

We must have sealed it in.

Oh, what do we do?

- We make a dash for the bunker...
- Uh-huh.

- ...but slowly...
- Uh-huh.

- ...so as not to alarm it.
- Right.

- Kitten feet.
- Kitten feet. Yeah.

- Kitten feet.
- Kitten feet.

- Kitten feet.
- Kitten feet.

Kitten feet. Stop!

Shh.

Okay, so, I don't want to sound
like a bad feminist,

but who are these bitches?

This is my grief support group.

A grief support group?

Douglas, why didn't you tell me?

I didn't tell anyone.

And I wasn't gonna tell you
especially because I know

- how you women are.
- Oh, boy.

All I'm saying is, if you put
too many hens in the coop,

well, then they start
pecking at each other.

You know, it's their nature
to fight over the rooster.

It's so hard to meet people.
Remember the apps.

Okay, the point is,

even for a modern woman like yourself,

I think it's better for our relationship

if you don't see me being vulnerable

in front of a bunch of women.

You'll get competitive,

and I don't want to see
your feathers all in a bunch.

Well, this hen doesn't ruffle so easily.

Why am I continuing with your metaphor?

What I mean to say is,
this is my sweet spot, Douglas.

I founded a whole business

based on vulnerable women
supporting each other.

Plus, we sell books.

And if you're going through something,

I want to be there for it.

All right, well,
if you want to join, go ahead,

but this farmer's warned you.

Wait. So now you're a farmer
and a rooster?

You know what? Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.

Ladies, please welcome
my special friend.

This is Poppy Banks.

- Hi.
- We neck.

Nice to meet you, Poppy.

Now, let's start as we always do

with one of our group hugs.

Ah, terrific.

- Ahh.
- Ahh.

Aww.

So, this goes on for a while, huh?

I'll just get a snack.

I don't think I like this.

I don't even know what it is!

It's "Grey Gardens."

We're being Big and Little Edie Bouvier.

Jackie Kennedy's hermit aunt
and first cousin?

How come you don't have
to wear a muumuu?

I will! But right now I'm trying to turn

your soulless excuse for a bunker

into a rundown East Hamptons mansion.

- Hey, hi!
- Kitten feet, kitten feet, kitten feet.

Hi, Mom.

William.

Uh-oh.

It can't be good
that you're in a costume.

Rory says my name's Edith now.

That tracks.

Will, meet me at the wall.

This is bad.

- Yeah.
- If Graham finds out

there's a real possum out there,

he will break completely.

We have to call animal control.

Damn!

My phone's outside!

Mine too.

Maybe we can borrow Rory's.

Hey, Rory, can we borrow your phone?

No, I'm not comfortable with that.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Okay, what do we do now?

We remain calm, we get our phones,

and we get rid of that beast

- without Graham noticing.
- Okay.

But...

we cannot face that thing unprotected.

I hate this.

This time of year is hard.

Fall was Nathan's favorite season.

But it gives me comfort to know

that in my darkest hour,

this guy will come over

and implement the Fogerty Special.

Um, wh-what's the Fogerty Special?

Oh, you don't know?

You watch "The Pelican Brief"

while eating good scallops.

You know, it took me a while
to find that combination.

For the longest time,

I thought it was "Midnight Run"
and lasagna,

- but, eh, it just was too heavy.
- It always cheers me up.

- That, and one of his trademark hugs.
- Uh-huh.

Ah, okay. So there's more hugs
from Douglas?

I could use one right now.

Oh, all right.

Everybody, come in for a Doug-Hug.

Bring it in.

Oh, Poppy, you gotta try a Doug-Hug.
It's wonderful.

- All righty.
- Aww.

We're dating, so I've had the hug.

All right, you know what?
I think it's my time to share.

- Okay.
- Oh.

Um... last month was hard for me.

I, um... I came across a... a note

that Rose had... had written me.

It was... It was tucked

in the back of a drawer somewhere

and... nothing special,

just a grocery list,

with only mayo and carrots on it.

God, she loved that snack.

To this day, when someone
pairs a vegetable

with a heavy cream, I...

I can't.

Douglas.

Hug flying in!

Make room for the flock!

Okay.

Mmm. Mmm.

Okay, I'm gonna leave.

No. Wh-What? Why?

Wh-Where are you going?

- Poppy, where are you off to?
- Home.

I shouldn't be here.

Ah.

This is happening, isn't it?

You're feeling jealous.

Maybe you're right...

I'm a hen and you're a rooster

and we're all farm animals,

and I shouldn't have come.

And I can't stand the fact
that I feel this way

because you're the caveman,
and I own a feminist bookstore.

You know, I'm supposed to be
above all of this

and I'm not and it sucks

and I am deeply embarrassed.

And I'm officially
making a scene. Great.

So, if this winds up on YouTube,

Poppy Banks, feminist hero, is canceled.

- I see you, Diana.
- Oh!

In theory, I support what you're doing,

but in practice, I got to go.

Go easy on her.
Her ex-husband is still alive.

Here's the plan...

I stand here, you go get my phone.

Why's it have to be me? It's your phone.

Yeah, but, see, the thing is,

I don't want to run into a possum.

Nobody wants to run
into a possum, Angie.

They're like a first draft of a weasel.

Can' you just do this one thing
for me, please?

One thing?

Recently, it feels like a lot of things.

Is this about the list?

Because I thought you wanted me

to organize my spice rack.

You called it a "spice wreck,"

which we all know
is Rory's joke you stole.

All of your spices have expired.

Spices don't expire.

I feel like you're
taking advantage of me.

I just spent all day
patching the hole in your wall.

I had to cancel my plans.

- I didn't know you had plans.
- I did.

It karaoke night at KZOP,
and I was supposed to emcee!

Okay, that's on you, dude.
You should have said something.

Well, I didn't because
I knew that you needed me.

Oh, y-you think I need you?

Lately? Yeah. A lot.

Patching up holes,
being a scapegoat for Graham,

trying to keep you
from making a sexual mistake

so toxic and weird

that it literally
set your house on fire.

I can tell this isn't going over well

'cause now you're giving me
serious possum vibes,

like, all of the anger
and none of the horny.

Oh, I'm definitely not horny, okay?

And I don't need you.

If there's one thing I know how to do,
it's fend for my family,

even if it means facing
a wild, ferocious animal.

Angie, I know how strong you are, okay?

I didn't mean to question that.

Well, it sounded like you did.

You know, how about this...

why don't you go?

Do KZOP karaoke.

Sing "Waterfalls" with Guy McCormick

if that's what gets you going.

You know damn well
that's outside of my register.

There's the door, Will.

Go.

I'm scared.

- I mean, I embarrassed myself.
- Ah.

Is this who I am... a jealous hen?

I thought I was better than that.

Here's your chips, Tired Dad.

Oh, great. Hey, you're winning.

I am?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

I don't know.

Anyway, Pop-Tart,

were you really jealous of these women?

No, I don't think I was jealous of them.

Then what was it?

Well, Douglas told a story

about how Rose used to eat
carrots and mayo.

And I imagined her
eating it next to him,

and... I don't know... it made me sad.

That is sad.

But also genius.

Kids!

Carrots and mayo for a million points!

I'm going for the million!

Now we pretend
that the chili is cat food.

Form it into a little mound
and serve it to me.

Wh... No!

This is too weird.

And I don't understand

how this is a "tale of
wealth and rebellion."

Whatever's scary out there

can't be as scary
as what's going on in here.

You better not be
in my underwear drawer,

you big perv.

Come on. Show your...

Oh!

Okay, you.

I'm not scared of you.

That's a lie. Yes, I am.

Your teeth are incredibly freaky,
and I really, really hate your nose.

And... come on... make up your mind.

Are you cross-eyed or not?

But I have been on my own
for many, many years,

and the one good thing about that is,

I can do anything.

So check it, possum.

I'm gonna catch
and release you... to Hell!

Aaaah!

This was stupid!

Aah! Why are you holding that
pointy cat upside down?!

I don't know! Your mom's a dumbass!

No, you're not!

You're Angie D'Amato, pride of Sicily!

Y-You're right!

- Cool! Godspeed!
- No, no, no, no, no!

You get back here!

You are Graham D'Amato!

You don't need a bunker!

We can handle anything together,
so grab that bag

and help Mommy trap
this very agitated rodent.

- Aah! Aah!
- Okay. Now...

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

- We did it.
- Ohh, we did it.

We just put a wild animal
in my camp duffel!

- I'm so proud of you!
- No, I'm proud of you, Mom!

That was intense.

But it's over.

Yeah.

Stop right there,
you underbite-y son of a bitch!

You guys okay in here?

I heard screaming,

and the f-front door was locked, so...

Oh, God. I'm sorry about this.

I made it so much worse.

Aww, I was hoping you'd come back.

Look, I know I acted like
a jealous hen earlier.

Man, that hen thing really
burrowed into my brain.

Yeah, you know, I should
write some of those down,

maybe put out a book...

something small for like
when you're on the john.

Look, Douglas,
it wasn't just me being jealous

about you opening up to those women,

though I do want you to do that with me.

There was something real there.

And if I'm being honest...

it was hard for me
to hear you talk about Rose.

I mean, my ex-husband and I...
we broke up,

but your wife died

while you were still in love with her.

She'll always have a place
in your heart.

And I got to get comfortable
sharing that.

Look, I'm still working through
losing her.

But being with you... well...

that's the happiest
I've been in a long time.

Maybe I'll write those ladies
an apology card.

- No. That ship has sailed.
- Okay.

Yes, I am aware that
wild animals can carry rabies.

No, I will not foster to adopt him.

Animal control?

Yes, and they were very, very mean.

Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure

that grabbing a possum by the tail,

throwing it into a bag...
it's a big no-no.

So is diving through someone else's wall.

Oh, now you tell me.

I know you don't need anybody,

but I-I kind of think
I like being needed.

I think I have a problem.

Yeah, you do.

But I might sometimes exploit it,
and I shouldn't.

Angie, I do all this stuff for you

because I want to.

I mean, you're my friend,

and patching a hole in a wall
with you is way more fun

than listening to Guy McCormick
sing "Knocking on Heaven's Door"

and then show us his bypass scars.

I have been leaning on you a lot.

and I-I think it might just be because

Graham and I have never

had anyone be there for us before.

And it was addicting.

Well, I mean,
it certainly gives me insight

into what would drive a wedge
between Kevin and Kerry.

By the way, she absolutely
had an emotional affair

- with her tile guy, right?
- Yeah.

- No, there was something going on there.
- Yeah. 100%.

"We're just friends."

- My ass, Kerry.
- Yeah.

So insane.

We're... We're gonna
keep watching, right?

We will never stop watching that show.

Oh, man, I am so sorry.

I totally Kool-Aid Manned
through your wall.

I think it's time to face the fact

that you and Graham
cannot stay in this house.

You could stay at my place
with Sophie and I.

Not a chance.

I told you... I can fend for myself.

Got it.

So, where are you gonna stay?

The rent is due
at the first of the month.

The quiet hours start at 5:00 p.m.

and go till whenever
Tony blows the bugle.

There'll be no cartoons, no loose toys,

no hands on the walls.

Good?

You got it, Douglas.

And you... I can't emphasize

just how short a leash you're on.

Thanks for taking us in.

I know it might sound weird
coming out of my mouth,

but you're a warm and generous person.

Yeah, well, Poppy didn't
give me much of a choice,

and the girls in Group
backed her up, so...

All right, here's where
you'll be sleeping.

The floor of the sauna?

I guarantee you that floor
is more expensive

than any bed you've ever slept on.

It's okay, buddy.

Just temporary.

Poor bastards.

Had to learn the hard way.

Next time, hire professionals.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com