Single Parents (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Derek Sucks - full transcript

Sea Castle of Majken the Mermaid?

- It's a Swedish toy.
- Mm.

I went to IKEA for the meatballs,

and here we are.

The most important rule
of assembling toys is relax.

Just enjoy this lavender chamomile tea.

You guys! Aah!

Whoa! Pizza in the morning!

Sick save.

Are you okay? Are you being chased?

Do you guys remember Derek?



Absent father of my child?

Deputy Manager of Ratso's?

Yeah, Angie, we know Derek.

- I don't really know him.
- Okay, here.

This... This is Derek.

Whoa, dang! He's a babe.

Is he? I don't see it.

So, I wrote Derek an epic e-mail.

You might remember.

And he never responded.

And then this morning,
he responded in person.

At my house.

He's here? What did you do?

The... The only thing I could.



I told him I had to go
to the spaghetti store,

then drove to a church, lit a candle,

drove a few more hours
until I ran out of gas,

jogged two miles, and now I'm here.

- So, is Derek in your house now?
- No.

I put him outside
like a dog outside Von's.

Can you believe this?

Who comes to your house
and knocks on your door?

Hold up!

Will, Angie got mailmanned!

- Oh, snap! She did!
- Oh, snap!

- Yo, bring it in!
- Bring it in! It's such a thing now!

Are you guys seriously hugging
over mailmanning?

I need your help.

Oh, I wish we could,

but we have to relaxingly
assemble this elaborate toy.

We're in.

Yeah. We're in.

We... We were... We were always in.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

The deed is done.

Poppy Banks,
your Saturday night sleepover

has been transferred to Phil,
father of Louisa,

a child I don't enjoy.

So, we finally get a night alone.

Oh, I am so ready.

I am taking all my meds,

- and I am Nordic Tracking my ass off!
- Yes!

I've never been on a date with you
where you didn't have a heart attack.

You're gonna love it.

Tony is enacting
the red carpet protocol.

And I hired a neighbor girl

who's gonna sing emotional songs
at us through a window.

So get ready for the most romantic

low-sodium night of your life.

Ooh!

Gentlemen, the goal is simple.

I need you to help me get rid of Derek.

- Are Super Soakers fair game?
- Same question.

Only if necessary.

Now, I need to clearly tell him,
"Listen up!

You have no right to be here.

Go back to Barstow."

And that would be easy
if it weren't for the urges.

- Hmm. Not loving that.
- Mm-hmm. Go on.

My brain knows
Derek is not a good guy, okay?

But then he starts to play his guitar.

Mm. And my brain short-circuits

and I can't trust my instincts

and then...

my body wants to throw his body
on top of my bed.

- We don't need details.
- Sideways, right?

Are you throwing him sideways
in this fantasy?

I can do anything.

I'm in control here.

- Angie.
- What?

This guy abandoned you, and
you're still attracted to him?

Yeah, bro. I didn't say it made sense!

So, you want us to be a-a sex buffer?

Buffer, lifeguard, loyal dog, pastor...

whatever gets you there.

But I have to warn you... when
we're out there in the field,

you won't be dealing with me.

You will be dealing with Future Angie.

And Future Angie wants to bone.

Bad.

Future Angie is an irascible ho.

Can you contain her?

- Absolutely, yes.
- By Super Soaker, if necessary!

Should we make it official? Blood pact?

Uh, how about a three-way handshake?

Lamer, but okay.

- One, two, three.
- Three.

- Ow. Okay, you know what?
- Ow. That hurt my nail. Sorry.

We'll get it when we get there.
Let's move.

Okay.

Thanks for the night hats, Louisa.

You all look wonderful.

And there's more good news.

Father said tomorrow,
we can have oranges.

Children. This is Owl.

You're all invited to watch him
hunt mice in the yard.

Come, Louisa, it's time for the feeding.

Yes, Father.

Come.

Wasn't your mom supposed to
do the sleepover tonight?

Yeah, Poppy was supposed to
make us watch "The Goonies."

It's not like her to cancel.

Our dad was weird tonight, too.

Girls, wake up!

Our parents are up to something,

and they're keeping it from us!

The nerve.

Uh, guys? We have a bigger problem.

This owl is a maniac.

Oh, my night of network stars!

Yoo-hoo.

Owl grows impatient.

No matter what happens,
we stick together.

United we stand.

Divided we fall.

Break.

And... we are not doing that.

Okay, girls.

We're outta here.

Our parents are hiding a secret from us,

and we are gonna figure out what it is.

We can't leave Sophie and Graham.

You mean our "friends"
who went to a summer camp

where Lance Bass taught them
Broadway choreography

and never asked if we wanted to go?

I am not losing sleep over this one.

So?

So.

So, is it weird that they're here?

Oh.

That's just Will and Miggy.

Is Will, like, your boyfriend?

What? No.

I mean, I'm sure he would make
a good boyfriend.

- Yes, I would.
- Yeah.

Not... I'm not saying
I want to be her b...

- I have a girlfriend already.
- No.

- He has a girlfriend.
- But... Yeah.

And he hangs out with her
all the time, and...

There's an intimacy, but that's
just 'cause we pair...

- we share parenting struggles.
- Yeah, like... It's, like, a love...

like, a mutual, like, friend love

- where I count on him, he counts on me.
- So it's... There's love. It's friend love.

- We watch each other's kids.
- Friend love.

Angie, I am so glad
you're not seeing him, okay?

He has rage issues.

He attacked me in my place of work,

in my drive-thru.

Oh, my God.

- Is this Graham's?
- Give me that.

You don't deserve to know
anything about this lion.

Not that his name is Mr. Roar

or that Graham's had him since birth

or that his first name is Shaq.

No questions!

Got it. Deal.

Angie, come to the corner!

Uh... Excuse me.

I'm going to the corner.

You guys, I know what I want to say,

but I keep losing it.

It's like I need a script or something.

Oh, hey, what about your epic e-mail?

Yes! I'm gonna go print it.

No, Angie. No.
You cannot use that printer.

Okay, my printer is good.

You're a tech snob.

Best 20 bucks I ever spent.

Smells like burning.

It's fine.

♪ Si lo so che non c'è luce ♪

♪ In una stanza quando manca il sole ♪

- ♪ Se non ci sei ♪
- She's excellent!

- ♪ Tu con me ♪
- Think we can turn down the volume?!

♪ Con me ♪

♪ Su le finestre ♪

That'll be all for tonight, Tony.

You can go to your karate class.

I'm nervous.

Just all the build-up.

Oh, God!

- Is it your heart?
- No. Worse.

If we can see them,
they can see us, right?

Uh-huh. This is a disaster.

Just scanning for salient points.

I came here to say I'm sorry, Angie.

What I did is unforgivable.

There's no excuse whatsoever.

But just so you know,

I was in a really bad place that summer.

Train had just stolen
"Hey, Soul Sister" from me

and ruined it.

The Tea Party was gaining momentum.

And I was sniffing a lot of markers.

I remember.

The tip of your nose
was always just a little blue.

In all these years,
I wanted to find you,

but too much time had passed.

And then there you were in my Ratso's.

And then I got your e-mail,
and it was so long

and graphic in terms of
what I can do to my own ass.

But also so raw and beautiful

and just real, like you.

Anyway, I'm sorry I barged in.

I just felt like I needed
to make a grand gesture.

So I wrote you a song.

You can go now.

What?! Absolutely not!

Angie, you are too emotional to think.

You can't talk to her like that.

- She asked me to say this.
- No, I didn't.

- What?! Don't believe her.
- I think we need to believe women.

Yeah, I agree. It's 2019.

This is why women need male allies.

- Right? Yeah.
- I am an ally!

I am the father of a daughter.

- Wow!
- Oh, this is sad, man.

Like, I'm so embarrassed for you.

She's asking you to leave.

Okay. Miggy, come with me.

I'm leaving with him,
but I don't support his beliefs.

Okay, Miggy.

There is no way that

that man wrote "Hey, Soul Sister."

Just one song, okay?

Then you leave.

You know,
there's a lot more to that song

than just the first chord.

- Do you want to hear the rest?
- No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

So, the next step is to open
this bag of 38 wooden screws.

All right.

Ohh!

That's gonna be a setback.

Mm!

How could you guys?!

Shishitos for the table!

Whoa!

There's screws all over your floors.

How could you leave me like that?!

Because you threw us under the bus

- and then literally pushed us out.
- Yeah.

Good reason.

I'm gonna go shame spiral
in your castle.

It's not done yet, but okay.

I warned you.

Future Angie is an animal.

She gets what she wants.

Please tell me that Derek
is back in Barstow now.

I put him outside again.

Maybe I should just

date him until he leaves me again.

Is that bad?

Yes! Come on, Angie!

You just need to remember
all the ways that Derek sucks.

For example, he works at a Ratso's,

and he's not even the manager.

And I bet in some lights,

he doesn't look as hot
as in other lights.

A-And he... he only cares about himself

and his precious guitar.

You know, the day that
he left me at the bus station,

he had two tickets...
for him and his guitar.

True story.

The guitar had a window seat

while I was left stranded
in a parking lot,

pregnant with his kid.

Because Derek friggin' sucks!

You know what? I am gonna go over there,

and I'm gonna tell him
that he needs to leave.

And thanks to you guys,
I can do it on my own.

I believe in you.

Keep your paws off our food.

They better not eat that salmon.

Tony had to get up at the crack
of dawn to catch that fish.

Okay, look, they're onto us, all right?

I think the only choice we have
is to come clean.

Good plan. Small tweak... we lie.

No way. I'm not lying.

Okay, alternate plan.

I-I throw a ball into a closet.

They chase it, we lock the closet,

finish our salmon,

and then we worry about it
on the "B" side.

Hey! You two aren't
the only ones who can whisper.

We just figured out what's going on.

- We're not stupid.
- It's pretty obvious.

The fancy clothes, the ambiance.

You're doing a test run
for the surprise inaugural ball

you're planning for me
as class president.

Oh, honey, what we're...

Yes, Rory! That's exactly it!

Oh, yes!

- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Party!

Yeah!

Derek, you have no right to be here.

And...

Do you want to maybe turn that off?

I-I-I can't.

It has to finish
everything in the queue,

or it's a whole thing.

Look, I don't want you to think

that I came here to sleep with you,

even though what we did
was sacred and true.

I came here to apologize.

And I've thought about
this moment so many times,

but I didn't really think about

what it would feel like to be here.

Like, this is where my son lives.

That's his sock.

This is his spelling homework,
and it's all wrong.

Angie, I can't spell, either.

I sometimes put a "C" in my name
for no reason.

I feel like Graham would get that.

Do you think... maybe I could meet him?

No! Are you kidding?!

You disappeared for nine years

without a word!

And, yeah, you're acting
all sweet and sexy

and hot right now,

but my number-one job as
a parent is to keep Graham safe,

and you are not a safe person.

Fire.

Yeah. Yeah. You are a fire.

No, like, a real fire!

It's fine.

It's done this before. Don't worry.

It's not fine!

Now, if we add a cape,

I think that will achieve that
"wow" factor you're looking for.

Yeah. I hear you.

Let's talk music.

I got a contact for Shania Twain.

Ah! I like it. Poppy, what do you think?

Uh, what about just a fun playlist

and a Bluetooth speaker?

- Eesh!
- Oh, boy.

This is Rory's inauguration. Think big.

I'm gonna take a water break.

I'm gonna need you
to take a lead on this one.

Poppy's ideas are frankly basic.

That wasn't water.

I know.

Uh, look, I'm sorry.

I don't want to lie to my son.

What would you even tell him?

We're 45 minutes into our first date.

I think we deserve a chance
to figure it out on our own

before letting it
be controlled by some kid.

Some kid?

Uh, uh, look, I don't think
kids should be a part of this.

We're parents, Douglas.

Kids are a part of this.

Call me when you get that.

Rory, let's go.

- What? You're leaving?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna go have movie night
with some kid.

So, how ya doin'?

My house and all my possessions
are burning down, so...

bad. Really bad.

I can't let it burn. I'll be back!

Hey, where are you go...
What are you doing?!

Are you seriously risking
your life to save a guitar?!

Of course you are!

Angie. Oh, my God.

Did the sexual tension
literally explode?

Derek is inside
trying to save his guitar!

Oh, my God.

Don't worry.

He's safe.

I guess in this moment,

- I see how he's good-looking.
- Thank you.

First you gotta do the Truffle Shuffle.

Come on!

- The fat kid's name is Chunk?
- Do it.

How does that possibly hold up
in these body-positive times?

Yeah, it doesn't. But there's a pirate.

So, I'm in my comfy pants

and ready to dish on that fight
with Douglas.

How can you two plan a ball together?

You have literally nothing in common.

You'd be surprised.

I mean, sometimes we have fun together.

Really? Spill that tea.

The drama is in the details.

Okay, you do realize that I don't have

to tell you everything, right?

Ooh!

It's my event planner.

Ellen!

You can't call me
from the "L" train, sweetie.

I can't hear you. I was... I can't.

I really can't.

Hi, there.

We heard you were having a movie
night and wanted to join...

me and the kids, if it's not too late.

It's not too late.

Bro, this is bad.

So heartbreaking.

- Oh, God.
- Do you think Angie thought

to get renter's insurance?

- Angie!
- Hey!

What's up, girl?

Well, Derek is out there

giving his demo to the paramedics,

as if they haven't been through enough.

Hey, hey, hey. I downloaded it,
and it's friggin' tight.

They're gonna love it.

This place doesn't look that bad, right?

Totally.

Just looks... burnt.

I'm sorry. I thought I was gonna
find a better word.

Well, the printer doesn't have a scratch.

- It's a miracle.
- Angie.

- Promise me you'll throw that printer out.
- I can't. I just can't.

I'm really glad you guys were here.

Wait, why were you here?

Oh, Will decided that
we should follow you back home

to help you handle Derek.

Oh, so, when you said
you believed in me...

- He didn't.
- Dude, what are you doing?

Dude, you just...

you literally said,
"We need to help her,

but we can't tell her
that we didn't believe in"...

- Oh!
- Okay, for the record,

I was kicking him out
when the fire started.

But then he saved Mr. Roar.

What am I supposed to do with that?

You know, as hard as
the last nine years have been,

one thing has always been clear...

Graham's dad was a bad guy.

But if Derek's even
a little bit good, I...

I don't know, i-it feels wrong

keeping Graham away from him.

Now I don't know what to do.

Does that make sense?

It does.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, you know how I feel about Derek.

I think that the guy's a tool

who is unworthy of you.

But when it comes to Graham,

you can trust your instincts.

Thank you.

Three-way handshake?

One, two, three!

Fire!

Huh?

Why would you say that?

- Like, literally anything but that.
- Oh.

♪ For me ♪

♪ Is good, is good enough ♪

I'm sorry
I was so incessant about lying.

It's my main move
as a parent and a doctor.

And a taxpayer.

That's okay.

I know you were just trying to protect

whatever it is we're doing.

Maybe this is what it is.

I like this.

You know, romance doesn't have to be

hot towels and teenage mezzo-sopranos...

...and wine.

Uh, we can still have wine.

Good.

Bus 425 with service...

Sorry about your guitar.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah. I've survived worse.

Yeah.

You mean me, right?

Yeah, I thought that was pretty clear.

Sorry, I'm not really good with subtext.

- It's okay.
- For what it's worth,

I think I'm starting
to get it... the parent thing.

When I ran into that fire,

all I could think about was Graham.

Is that what it's like?

You just think about him all the time?

Yeah.

Well, give me a ring

if you're ever in my drive-thru again.

I get 15% off the "Get Skinny" menu,

but don't come at breakfast.

It's too crazy.

Wait.

I'm not...

ready for you to meet Graham.

But after tonight...

I'm okay with you
getting to know about him.

Oh, my God, are these...?

He's so little.

Well, he'll age as the album goes on.

He's shirtless
in his kindergarten photo.

His idea.

Thank you.

I guess these guys are gonna be
part of all of our interactions?

For the foreseeable future, yeah.

Well, if you come back to Ratso's,
you can only bring Miggy.

- Will's banned.
- Worth it.

Ratso's employees have to take
a self-defense course

because of you, dude.

Oh, no. You had to take a course?

I can't wait to read
that chapter in your memoir.

Okay, have fun underestimating women.

What did you say to me?!

What did you...
Come say that to my face, bro!

- I will destroy you!
- I think you're great!

And by the way, in high school,

I started a Boy Feminist Club,

and our slogan was,

"Y Y Y? Because we care"!

It was a chromosome joke!

And every night

I go to sleep in a Nasty Girl shirt,

so eat that, you bus rider!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

I'm a feminist.

I believe you.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com