Single Parents (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Welcome to Hell, Sickos! - full transcript

I can't believe the kids won't tell us

what they're going as this year.

Like, I'm having the shin-sweats
just thinking about it.

Must be a group thing
with the five of them.

But nothing obvious.

Rory can't stand first-thought ideas.

Don't even get him started on
the name "Cheesecake Factory."

Well, let's see.

We have three girls and two boys.

I don't even know why I'm trying
to figure it out.

I really could not care less.



All right, Miggy,
you're sure you're good

to hand out Halloween candy at my house?

It's a big job.

You gotta keep it spooky,

which is an acronym for "Scary,"
"Paranormal," "Oh, no,"

"Oh, God," "Keep that thing
away from me," "Yay!"

Chill. I get it.

I open the door, I hand out
candy, I close the door.

Jack and I got it covered.

You made him the volleyball
from "Cast Away"?

Yeah, I wanted someone to talk to.

Miggy, you can talk to your son
when he's in regular clothes.

- We're ready! Here we come!
- Oh.

Are... Are you guys j-jury duty?



Oh, God. They're us.

I sell books about wine.

More or less, yeah.

I have a law job and I drive a minivan.

Cool. She gave me two things.

I'm 10 feet tall.

You know, I couldn't even buy jeans

until the Internet was invented.

I hate sand in my shoes
but like keeping my baby alive.

Yo, this is like "SNL"!

Could someone be a mensch
and pass the schmear?

I don't get it. That's not me.

Okay, that's you.

Yeah, but why is she doing me Jewish?

You aren't Jewish?

No.

It's your essence, though.

I always get my own schmear.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

02x06 - Welcome to Hell, Sickos!

Look.

I just put the finishing touches
on our pumpkin.

Oh, this looks great.

Everybody, check it out.

It's Ruth Bader Ginsburg

shoulder-pressing two smaller
Ruth Bader Ginsburgs

shoulder-pressing even more
Ruth Bader Ginsburgs.

It's a fractal.

Oh. Everything's gotta be something now.

Oh, which reminds me,
before anybody moves,

can you all wave hi to Tracy
for her birthday video?

- Hey.
- Happy birthday.

Hi. Awesome. Thank you.

Sophie, I want you to tell everybody

I want butts in seats and
pumpkins on laps in five minutes.

Okay, wait, so, it's Tracy's birthday?

Yeah, she's having a party

at some weird bar
called The Padded Cell.

She's got family coming in from Poland.

No, they are not bringing sausage,

and, yes, it was offensive to ask.

Oof. Caught between your
girlfriend and your kid?

It's been totally fine.

I went to her directly, and I said,

"Are you okay with me
missing your party?"

And she said, "Yes."

Hey, you know I want to be
at your birthday,

but it's Halloween.

That's okay, right?

Yaiyse.

Oh, honey.

"Yaiyse" is not a yes.

When there are that many letters
in the word "yes," it's a no.

- So, you think she's upset?
- Ya.

See how few letters my "yes" had in it?

That's how sure I am.

Aw, man. I thought I was balancing

the whole kid-girlfriend thing
perfectly.

All right, look, the trick is

that you have to make Tracy
feel like she is a priority,

even though this is the most
important night in the kid year.

It's like in
"The American President," right?

The country comes first,

but Andy still can't
completely screw over Sydney.

Okay. So, how does that...

Girl, that is one of my favorite movies.

You want to watch a scene
real quick on my phone?

Uh, yes.

Well, that's women for ya.

You know, they're quick
to point out a problem,

and then when you need a solution,

they're watching Michael Douglas
on their phones.

Okay, I need to figure this out.

I think I can actually
make it to Tracy's party,

drop in for a quick hello,

and make it back to the school
in time for the Jack-Off.

The what now?

Well, that's what the kids
have started calling

the jack-o'-lantern contest.

Breezing through, you're not
gonna be able to make both,

not with Halloween traffic.

This is what you do...
You get Tony to drive you.

He's insanely fast.

He was the stunt driver on
"Smokey and the Bandit" 1 and 3.

But not "Smokey and the Bandit II"?

Mnh. Didn't like the script.

Daddy? They're coming.

Oh, great. Um, Sophie,

I-I think I'm actually gonna
be a little late to Halloween.

Why?

Um... when grown-ups

are in an adult relationship...

- He has to go pick up Life Savers.
- Mm-hmm.

But you'll be back in time
for the pumpkin contest?

- Oh, yeah.
- We're gonna win this year, for sure.

First-place prize is
a $30 gift card to Denny's.

Life Savers?

It's right there in the name.

All right, all right, let's go.

Everyone leaving for Hilltop,
please step forward. Uhp!

Not so fast, Mom and Angie.

Rory and I have something to say to you.

We've decided that we're big kids now,

and we can handle Halloween without you.

We're telling you
in front of other people

so you won't make a scene.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Okay, bye, Mom. Don't have a meltdown.

See you later! You'll be fine!

Don't worry about us.

Just gifted us a girls' night.

So get out of here
so we can start partying.

All right.

A whole night to ourselves?

What do you want to do?

Mm-mnh-mnh. You want to, uh...

cry?

Yeah.

Our kids just ditched us.

Remember, buddy, Will's counting on us.

Keep it spooky.

Trick or treat!

And to you, too. Booooo!

Is that it?

Yeah. Why?

- This is Will Cooper's house, right?
- Mm-hmm.

We've just come to expect more.

He really put on a show last year.

I-I can do it again.

I think maybe you didn't hear the "boo."

We heard it.

- Is Will coming back?
- No.

Oh. Where is he?

He's...

dead.

Oh, my God.

I know. Spooky, right?

Well, I mean, it's terrible.
But how did he...

We did it, buddy!

So, Douglas, it was your job

to decorate the classroom for Halloween.

How many G's did you drop
on fake cobwebs?

Wait, I was supposed to decorate?

You were supposed to
elaborately decorate.

You're the Room Parent.

Well, there's nothing scarier
than disappointment.

There. I did it.

I am 8, and I am brave.

So, you did decorate?

You were just teasing us?

You nimrods impressed?

Our dad did this.

Uh-huh.

Come on.

Well, Douglas.

As your President,

I would like to formally
apologize for doubting you.

I didn't do any of this.

I don't know how this stuff got in here.

Wait. But if you didn't do
any of this, then who did?

No idea.

So, it could be
some dangerous psychopath

who's still lurking on the premises?

- Well, nothing's off the table.
- Oh, God.

I don't want to die dressed as you.

Ugh! This is the worst Halloween

since everyone dressed as
Left Shark from the Super Bowl.

Bottle me.

Just some teens partying
on the golf course.

Mm. Teen partying.

Remember just making out
in front of your friends?

- Mm-hmm.
- When did that stop being a thing?

Man, I can't believe Graham
and Rory are already over us.

I thought we had more time.

And if they think we're lame now,

just imagine what
they're gonna think of us

when they're teenagers.

This is gonna keep
getting worse and worse,

like the gooey people from Chernobyl.

That's not gonna happen to us, Ang.

No, this is how it goes.

I loved my parents so much,

and then one day, I woke up,
and I never loved them again.

But we're not our parents.
We're actually cool.

I have a liquor license.
You once rented a Jet Ski.

Havasu 2006!

In fact, I bet those teens out there

would think we were pretty awesome.

Awesome? No.

Maybe they think we're hot,
if we're lucky.

Lucky how? No. I don't want to know.

Hey, how about we run an experiment?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Don't you do this. You always do this.

We get tipsy, and you take
advantage of my love

of the scientific method.

I say we invite those teens
to come party with us.

If they think we're cool,

our kids will also think we're
cool when they're that age.

Well... your logic is rock-solid.

Yes! Ha!

Hey, kids!

Who wants to come party
at a rich dude's house?

With two hot chicks!

If there's an Alexa listening,
I want to be clear,

I do not need teens to think I'm hot.

Mm-hmm.

Long time since your "Smokey
and the Bandit" days, huh?

Okay, I'm gonna be in and out
in 20 minutes.

Be ready to fly.

Hey. Happy birthday.

Oh, my God! You came!

That's right. I can do it all!

Will, this is incredible.

Oh, everybody, this is Will,

the employee I chose to date despite HR.

Milo mi cie poznac.

- Czesc!
- Dzien dobry!

Oh!

I might have done some
flashcards on the ride over.

- Ah.
- I also may have learned

the Polish birthday song.

Freeze party?

♪ Sto lat ♪

♪ Sto lat ♪

- ♪ Niech zyje, zyje nam ♪
- Sign this.

♪ Sto lat, sto lat ♪

♪ Niech zyje, zyje nam ♪

Phone, please.

- ♪ Jeszcze raz, jeszcze raz ♪
- Okay. Yeah.

♪ Niech zyje, zyje nam ♪

♪ Niech zyje nam ♪

Thank you, thank you.

Wait, what is this?

This is the Padded Cell Escape Room,

an asylum so frightening,

you'll want to tip, tip, tip!

Welcome to Hell, sickos!

I don't want to be a sicko.

So, you love escape rooms?

What a fun detail to learn
at the most opportune moment.

Yeah, I've been doing them
for a couple years now,

and now my Polish relatives
are addicted.

Every time I talk to them,

they're like,
"Czy robimy pokój ucieczki?"

100%. But I do think that I'm...

You know, I am so glad
that you are here.

You have absolutely made my birthday.

Are you really sticking around?

Yaiyse.

- Now, this escape room...
- Mm.

...es-quick room, es-long room?

How much time are we talking?

Well, I asked for the most
difficult one because last year,

Uncle Mikolaj actually
brought his own shovel

and dug himself out in 15 minutes.

I don't know. I'm thinking
about two hours or so?

Two hours!

Papa Pizza,
that's a spicy-a chunk-a-time!

Yeah, it's an intense one.
And they can touch you.

You signed a waiver.

Trapped and touched?

Um... is it my birthday?

All right, here's the deal.

Between you and me, I have to be
at my daughter's school

for a pumpkin contest in,
like, less than an hour,

so I will give you $20 for any tips

to get this thing moving along.

Will, did you try and cheat?

No.

Wh... Ow, ow, ow! What is happening?

Yeah, I think this is actually,
like, a bit much, right?

Oh, someone's gonna get sedated.

- Sleepy, sleepy.
- No. No. No.

I will not take your voodoo medicine.

You get away from me.

You will not... No, please!

Oh, it's a SweeTART.

Okay, I'm starting to think
that this was a bad idea.

All right, t-they don't
even think we're cool.

They think the house is cool.

No, we're cool, okay?

We just gotta get in there.

Watch this.

Attention, everyone!

Can someone please turn that music...

up!

Time me!

O.J.! O.J.! O.J.! O.J.!

Okay, who used my phone to order pizza?

It was me!

O.J.! O.J.!

Four score and seven years ago...

Yeah! She's so cool!

Yeah!

So, then I told Ron, "I know
why you downloaded Snapchat,

and it wasn't for the puppy filters."

Britney knows what I'm talking about.

You know Snapchat?

Oh, I know all the apps.

Happy Hallowee...

I told the rest of the block
about Will's passing.

How are you holding up?

Uh...

Hanging in.

Yeah, it... it has been
very spooky on the family.

Can I just have a moment, please?

Is it possible I made it too spooky?

Should I just come clean?

You're right, Jack.

The Park family doesn't give up.

We double down.

So, I got to ask.

How is Will's daughter
doing with all of this?

She gone, too.

This looks really good. Wow.

Hey, have you seen my dad?

They're announcing the winners soon.

Maybe he stopped for gas
and then lost himself

in the generic pastry section
at the Smart Mart.

But I want him here when I win.

I got the best pumpkin of everyone.

This one just has a square
carved into it.

That... That's mine.

It's supposed to be Colorado.

Do you particularly like Colorado?

No.

Fogerty, why aren't you
getting us out of here?

There could be a killer on the loose.

Eh, I'm a little creeped out, too,

but, uh, try not to cause a panic.

Well, guess what. It is time to panic.

There is a dead rat.

This entire classroom is a death threat.

Yeah, that's not great. Okay.

I'm... I'm... I'm gonna
take care of this.

All right, do not react
to anything I say next.

These terrifying decorations
were placed here not by me,

but instead by a dangerous psychotic.

So, calmly follow me out the door,

and don't attempt to save your friends.

They're already dead.

Dad, wait.

We decorated the classroom.

You guys did this?

Wow.

Okay.

Give Daddy a moment.

Okay, good news, Rory. Mystery solved.

My, uh... My kids did all this.

How is that good news?

You do realize you're
living with psychopaths?

Well, when you say it like that,
it is upsetting.

Not sure about the one on the right.

Ha-ha! Time to go home.

Britney!

What are the three words we live by?

Don't text Josh.

- Yep.
- That was awesome.

Those teens were eating out
of the palm of our hands.

I told you those kids would love us.

And you know what?
Graham and Rory will, too.

You were right.

- We are the coolest!
- We are.

Now, let's celebrate with
some of Douglas' good stuff.

He's got $600 Scotch.

Oh, my God.

They stole all the liquor.

Even the Drambuie. That's disgusting.

Ang, we are not cool. We're chumps.

Bitch... mom... activate!

All right, come on,
come on, come on. Let's go!

Wait, have you been measuring in meters?

Oh, my God, I'm gonna cry.

Will, this is supposed to be fun.

- I'm having fun.
- Mm-hmm.

Guy McCormick, what are you doing?

I hid a bottle of whiskey behind
a bed back when I lived here,

and now it's gone.

Oh, Guy, this is not a real pla...

And why have we given the key puzzle

to the two folks with the shakiest hands

in all of occupied Europe?

I mean, how many Poles does it
take to open a medicine cabinet?

I'm kidding. But I'm not.

All right, get your heads in the game

so we can get the hell out of here!

Okay, Will, you seem a little stressed.

Everyone else here's having a good time.

Well, I am not, okay?

It's Halloween, and Sophie needs me

at the pumpkin carving contest, okay?

If she loses, I have to console her.

If she wins,
I have to take her to Denny's.

Look, I know that Halloween
is a big night for kids.

If you need to go see Sophie,
then you should go.

No one's stopping you.

I'm in a straitjacket-uh.

I see.

I have to go. I'm sorry.

- Oh.
- Ooh!

Ohh.

- Oh.
- I think that was your cake.

Ohh.

Go, go, go, go, go!

There they are!

How do I look?

Okay, yeah, I'll be doing the talking.

I'm not gonna be cool.
I'm gonna be a mom.

A scary mom with bad jeans
and lots of rules.

All right, kids.

I am very disappointed
in each and every one of y...

Britney, is this Josh?

He deleted Snapchat.

Oh, honey, he just hid it in a folder...

Nope. Not my problem.

Give us our booze back,
or we're calling the cops.

Or worse, your parents.

You know you want this.

Wrong track, Angie.

And we can find your parents.
You know why?

Because we are parents,
and parents know other parents.

- Bing bong!
- Hmm?

Now scram!

Yeah! That's right!

These moms will find you

with our big bags
and our sensible sneakers!

And we keep these bodies tight!

You hear... No, Angie. No.

Hey, Sophie. Hey.

I am so sorry I missed you
winning the contest.

We lost. Where were you?

I thought I could drop by Tracy's party

and make it back in time,

but then I was thrown
into a straitjacket

and forced to solve a puzzle
with Uncle Mikolaj.

You get it.

Why didn't you just tell me
you wanted to stop by Tracy's?

I should've.

I just... I'm trying to balance
my time between the two of you,

and I never want you to feel
like you are not number one.

I don't, but maybe balancing
your time wouldn't be so hard

if you didn't keep us so separate.

Wait, really?

You'd be willing for
the three of us to hang out?

Yeah. I'd be down with that.

Oh. Cool.

Hey, maybe we could go bowling?

Yaiyse.

Okay, not bowling.
We'll figure something else out.

Now, tell me all about
this pumpkin carving contest.

Stupid Rocco Risoli won with a carving

of Ruth Bader Ginsburg
eating a meatball sub.

- What?!
- It didn't even make sense!

Okay, there's no way this cheap stuff

is gonna fool Douglas.

Well, neither of us have
the 600 bucks to buy a new one,

so you know what that means...
more smoky steak sauce.

All right, I guess we shouldn't
fight it, okay?

We are not cool, and our kids
are gonna stop loving us.

Mom.

Funnel!

We're back.

From the Halloween that will
be referred to in court

as "the day I should've said something."

It was traumatizing.

I'm so sorry I asked you not to come.

- Baby, I'm sorry.
- Mom, it was terrible.

People hate Colorado.

Oh, Graham.

Guess what.

I got you a new toothbrush.
It has frogs on it.

Frogs?!

You're the coolest!

Who would've ever thought?

Me with a frog toothbrush.

Well, it looks like we've still
got some time left.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, I have to know.

Did you kill that rat yourselves?

No. That wasn't us.

Hilltop just isn't a very clean school.

Thank God.

But why did you guys do all that?

We knew you'd totally beef it
on the decorations.

Since you've been completely
beefing it at being Room Parent.

Yeah. We didn't want people
to get mad at you again.

We just wanted everyone
to see you like we see you.

A solid earner and a pretty good dad.

Well, that's beautiful, girls,

and I-I guess I didn't consider

how half-assing it would make you feel.

But I'll tell you what,
in the future, I promise...

mwah... I will put more effort in, okay?

Mwah. Good night.

Dad?

Yeah?

Is Will really not Jewish?

Of course he is, honey.

Of course he is.

As I held his dying body in my arms,

he looked me right in the eyes and said,

"Do Halloween for me."

And then he was gone.

Off to the big haunted house in the sky.

How awful.

Thank you.

What's going on here?

Oh, my God! Will, Sophie!

- You're alive!
- Hell yeah, they are.

Y'all got spooked.

Um, Miggy... what's happening?

Don't ever question
my spookability again.

Wilson, we out.

I lost you once. I won't lose you again.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mwah.

Happy Halloween.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com