Single Parents (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Welcome to Hilltop! - full transcript

Welcome to Hilltop.

No! No! Pete can't stay!

Through Teachers-in-Service Day!

You know, I don't know who Pete is,

but I do know
that you're embarrassing him.

Douglas, our beloved Hilltop parrot

has to stay alone at school
over the three-day weekend.

It's cruel. Inhumane.

- Will you sign a petition...
- No.

Did you just dismiss my
8-year-old daughter's activism?

Activism? Come on.



Don't be Lollypop Boy.

What does that eve... I'm sorry.

Am I supposed to
understand that reference?

No. Honestly, it just got away from me.

- Ah.
- Don't you ignore me, Rocco!

Don't be a part of the problem!

Pete shouldn't have to
spend the weekend alone,

so Sophie's petitioning
Vice Principal Yarble

to let us take him home with us.

Man, I am so proud
of that kid's conscience.

Oh, please. You do it
because it makes you look good.

- What?
- The accolades.

10 bucks says that
you're wearing a T-shirt

- with Sophie's face on it.
- Pfft.



- Unzip the sweater. Let me help you.
- I'm not going to.

- Don't touch me! It's my body!
- Okay.

All right, fine, but you know damn well

my resolution was
to do more silk-screening.

There you go.

This is about helping Sophie
develop a strong moral compass.

And, yes, I've picked out my suit

for the Student of the Year ceremony.

Heads-up, this guy's going with maroon.

It's not a suit if it isn't black.

It's a costume.

She's the next Greta...

something.

Gosh! I wish I could remember
her last name.

- She's so important.
- I bet.

Will Cooper.

Vice Principal Yarble! How are you?

Terrible.

I was taking a cat nap when your
daughter's screams awakened me.

Make her stop.

Let me coast into the sweet embrace

of a three-day weekend.

I already laid out my pajamas.

Oh, she'll stop as soon as you agree

to let us take Pete home
for the weekend.

Oh, no.

Then another kid will want
to take him home next weekend,

and another,

and soon I'll be running
some kind of check-out process.

Don't make my life harder, Will Cooper.
Please, I can't take it.

Well, then, I'm sorry to say,
Sophie's campaign will continue.

No! No! Pete can't stay!

That's my girl.

Greta Thunberg! Ah, that's the name.
I remembered.

Now, that is a face to silk-screen.

Sophie!

Release Rocco from the headlock.

That's not how we want
to get our signatures.

Rocco, sign the petition.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
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02x12 - Welcome to the Hilltop!

And then Pronstroller was all, like,

"Should we just do the damn thing?"

And I was all, like, "Uh, yeah."

And then, bam.
Exclusive relationship, wassup?

Happy for you.

And thank you for walking me through

all the physical acts
preceding that conversation.

You're welcome.

But, yo, I think I'm in love.

I gave her one of my hats.

Wow. Now, hat's a big deal.

Mnh-mnh. Don't do that.

I was being open and vulnerable
with you right now.

Oh, there she is.

She's coming to pick me up.
Total girlfriend move!

Mm.

- We enjoy long hugs.
- That's hot as hell.

Just got an earful of Miggy love.

Can we talk about anything else?

Let's see, not much going on with me.

I finally tried a Baked Lay.
Don't know who those are for.

Mnh.

Poppy!

Oh. Here we go.

Ooh, isn't that Ron's new piece?

His wife, Angie.

Her name's Sharon.
You were at her wedding.

You took a million pics together.

- Geez. My memory is garbagio.
- Hey, Poppy!

What's poppin', Poppy? What's poppin'?

Okay, we can just start talking, Sharon.

I'm assuming you're here because
Ron did something stupid.

Is the accent back?

Oh, no wine for me, uh,
because, big news...

we're pregnant!

Get in here. Touch it.

- Mm.
- Kiss it.

Say your name to it
so it knows who you are.

Wow-eee! Poppy, did you hear that news?

- Yes, Angela, I heard.
- And we're happy?

I'm just trying
to follow your lead here.

Congratulations, Sharon.

Gonna go neutral. Got it.

Oh, Poppy, you should come
with me to my ultrasound today.

I'm gonna find out the sex.

Ooh! Wow! Oh, God, this is a tough one.

I already, uh, promised Angie

that I would hang out with her today.

She's having, uh,
gastrointestinal problems.

Yeah, it's just flowing through her.

She's wearing a diaper right now.

Come on, man.

Yeah, it's true.

My doc says that my butt tubes
are all out of whack.

Sucks.

Oh. Gross.

Well, next time, then?

Maybe. You know what?
So sorry. We have to go.

Yeah, I can tell by Angie's face
she's in great distress.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Yeah.

Okay, that was big news,
and I am here for you,

but we have to discuss
why every on-the-fly excuse

- involves me dropping heat in my pants.
- Copy that.

Ugh. How am I getting worse?

- Welcome to Hilltop.
- Thanks, Pete.

Wait, what?

Sophie Cooper, did you steal that bird?

I saved him.

You told me my moral compass
would never steer me wrong.

Oh, boy. That does sound like me.

We'll give Pete a great weekend

and then bring him back
before school starts.

I know stealing is wrong,
but in this case,

I really believe
it's the right thing to do.

Okay, wow. I raised
a remarkable young woman.

Great dad!

Did you just say "great dad"
to yourself?

- Sorry, what?
- Welcome to Hilltop.

Okay. Pete can stay.

It is such a bummer
they keep him cooped up.

Poor guy's probably
never even flown before.

Pete, it's just you and me now.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Welcome to Hilltop.

That was wild back there, huh?

You know what?
I'm gonna be here for you.

Today, I'm Poppy.

Okay, so, your ex-husband
is having a baby.

Talk to me. How do you feel?

Honestly? Weird.

I mean, she invited me
to her ultrasound, Ang.

I didn't knock her up.
Why is it my damn problem?

- It's not!
- You know what I think?

It's a generational thing. Sharon's 23.

The youth today have no concept
of boundaries.

Millennials. God! I hate them!

No respect.

It's like, this is a society.

We have rules for a reason.

Ma'am, you have to pay for that.

Ang, you know
we're Millennials, too, right?

Yeah, but you get it.

Mm. Yeah, anyway, back to Sharon.

What's next? She wants me
present for the actual birth?

Gosh. I'm gonna wrap my legs around her,

"Handmaid's Tale" -style?

Uch, hate that show.

I've never seen it.

Hold up. Is that...?

Miggy's girlfriend
with a man that's not Miggy.

A smokin'-hot man.

This is s-so messed!

Just today, he was telling me
they're exclusive.

- See?
- Uh-huh.

- See?
- Uh-huh.

- See?
- Uh-huh.

- See?!
- Uh-huh!

- This is exactly what I was talking about.
- Exactly!

We're not gonna let her
burn Miggy like this.

- In fact, we're gonna follow them.
- Yeah.

- Catch them in the act.
- Okay.

- Mm-hmm.
- So, just to be clear,

you want to deal
with Sharon's pregnancy by...

- tailing Miggy's girlfriend?
- You bet your ass I do.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Because I am done letting
this over-sharing, milk-hating,

rotary-phone-not-remembering
generation get away with it!

You in?

- Let's ride.
- All right.

Hey, for the cookies.

And whatever else my friend
stole while she was here.

♪ Washin' spoons ♪

♪ Washin' the dishes ♪

- ♪ Scrubbin' forks ♪
- Hey, Dad.

♪ I'm washin' a knife ♪

♪ Washin' spoons ♪

♪ First I'm gonna wash,
then I'll let 'em dry ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm washin' it all ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm washin' the dishes ♪

♪ Scrubbin' forks,
scrubbin' the knives ♪

♪ Washin' bowls ♪

This is it, Pete,

the moment you've been denied
your whole life.

It's time to fly!

Welcome to Hilltop. Wait...

Sophie, what was that?!

I just wanted him to fly,
as nature intended.

And because I loved him,

I assumed he would fly back to me.

Aw, honey, you couldn't have
known his wings were clipped.

I'm a murderer.

You are not a murderer.

The upturned rake that Pete fell
directly onto is the murderer.

You just made a mistake.

A mistake that resulted in
the death of an innocent bird.

And the only thing I can do now
is to be honest

and turn myself in to Yarble.

Which means it's over.

I can kiss that future
we planned for me goodbye.

I know you just saw a bird die,

but I think you're being
a little dramatic.

Am I? I'll probably get a suspension,

which means that'll take me
out of the running

for Student of the Year.

That stings.

Especially since we set aside

such a good spot on the Sophie shelf.

I said goodbye to all of that

the day that I threw that bird
off the roof.

That was today.

Wait.

Sophie, what are you doing?

I'm removing these reminders
of my former self.

I'm going nowhere.

Well... just to play devil's...

if you turn yourself in
and lose your good standing,

you won't be able to fight
for things in the future.

And that wouldn't be right.

Sophie, do you think that maybe

your guilt is punishment enough?

I mean, Pete wouldn't want you

to lose everything over this, right?

No. He would want
to welcome me to Hilltop.

That's right, he would.

But what are we gonna do?

Vice Principal Yarble's
gonna see that Pete's missing,

and she'll know it was me.

Not if we cover it up.

You and I aren't built for lying.

You're right.

We'll never be able to pull this off.

We need a bad person.

Someone 100% morally bankrupt.

I understand our services are needed.

We hear there's evidence
that needs to be destroyed.

Don't worry. We're discreet.

Ugh, they just opened
another bottle of wine.

When are Pronstroller
and Round Head McNormal Face

gonna smush already?

I'm hungry.

Don't people usually have snacks
at these stakeouts?

You're offering me loose beef jerky

from your glove compartment?

Sorry, princess.

Oh, hell yeah, that's hard to eat.

Also, you own a tiny spy telescope?

Wanna tell me the story of buying that?

Just very curious about your headspace

during that time of purchase.

Thank you for your question.

- First of all, it's a spyglass.
- Oh.

And it was reasonably priced
at 400 tickets at Dave & B's,

which I easily won
rippin' it at Skee-Ball.

You know what? You and I
are best friends, but we have

very different approaches
to our recreational time.

Yes. See? That is great stakeout banter.

Check us out, just two odd-couple,
buddy-cop knucklebutts

camped out in a van, razzing each other

while we eagle-eye some dirtbags.

Enh! That's right.

Are you okay?

Your phone need juice?

I have...

seven different chargers,

none of them for contemporary phones,

but we could cobble something together.

It's Sharon.

She sent me her sonogram.

It's a girl.

Beautiful, healthy,
well-positioned girl.

Rory's little sister.

I think I'm ready to talk about
how I'm really feeling.

Oh, yeah, that sounds about right.

- Okay.
- Come here.

Poppy's got ya.

I don't know how you can eat
while the twins are...

disposing of the body.

Well, I guess seeing you
fall off your high horse

left me a bit peckish.

"All I care about is
my daughter's moral compass."

Ha! Bunk.

You're bunk, Lollypop Boy.

Yeah, that's right. I took it,

and it sounds better
coming out of my mouth.

I'm not judging.

I'm just merely labeling your hypocrisy

and thinking less of you for it.

Fine. Do I enjoy

being the father
of a high-achieving daughter?

Of course.

Do I have an 18-year plan
where she goes to Harvard

but then eschews that for a
prestigious New York university

to chase after the love
of her life, just like Felicity?

I do.

And do I sometimes picture myself

with the Felicity haircut?

You know, not the good one,
but the one everyone says is bad

but I think I could pull off?

It's really busy up there, isn't it?

Look, can you help us or not?

Yes, I can help you.

Sophie!

Listen, it's time to construct
the perfect alibi,

but the key is that you have to
really believe your own story.

Okay? You got it?

I-I think so.

Okay.

Where were you at 3:00 P.M.?

Th-The mall?

Baloney!

Now, close your eyes
and see the store you're in.

Feel it. Smell it.

Okay.

I was in Claire's.

No! TCBY.

And what did you buy?

Homework?

At a yogurt store?

Okay, see, your head's not in the game.

Take a lap!

All right, give it to me straight.
She's gonna blow this, right?

She's the worst liar I've ever seen.

And kids are usually good at it.

They're dumb enough to believe
what they're saying.

Damn it, I raised too good
of a daughter.

But at least we have all weekend
to figure it out.

Will Cooper.

The Hilltop parrot is missing.

I assume it was Sophie.

Thus, I am here on Friday afternoon

of my three-day weekend to investigate.

Why do you hate me?

It just feels impossible
to wrap my head around the idea

of Rory having a sibling
that isn't my kid.

And Sharon can tell me to
kiss her belly all she wants to,

but the truth is,
I'm not a part of this, Ang.

And Rory will be.

Yeah, that's gotta be
really hard to process.

Especially with Sharon
sending you pictures

of her gross new body roommate.

Ugh.

Sorry, all babies are miracles.
Proof of God.

And it's not like I can confront
Sharon and tell her how I feel.

No, I have to be the perfect ex-wife.

Gracious, evolved, always has gum.

I'm not allowed to get upset,
and sometimes I wanna get upset.

Well, then, do it. Get upset.

Come on. Let it out.

Let it out on these losers.

Ugh, kissing in the window,

like they're the leg lamp
from that Christmas movie.

Hell yeah. Let's go bust some skulls!

Yeah, let's go show them
what a real kiss looks like!

Yeah! Wait.

What do you think
we're about to do, Angie?

Okay, so, we need a plan
so they open the door.

Do you have an air horn?

What? No, I'm not
a morning radio deejay.

I do not have an air horn.

Angie? Poppy? Uh...

- Who are you?
- Your worst nightmare.

Yeah, your worst nightmare,
you hot biatch!

Who do you guys think you are?

You, cheating on Miggy? Really?

I should bust you over the head
with Angie's spyglass.

No, Poppy! I earned this.

You kids do whatever you want
without any regard

for the boundaries
we've agreed on as a society.

- Poppy...
- You just invite people to your ultrasound

and force-confront them
with your baby's sex,

never considering how that
might be making them feel!

- What's that, now?
- Uh, Pop, you're veering.

I hear it. I'm bringing it home.

- You...
- Poppy!

I thought I heard
your scary, scoldy mom voice.

What are you guys doing here?

What are you doing here?

Oh, you know my girlfriend, Homily.

And this is Brian, our boyfriend.

- Ohhhhhh.
- Ohhhhhh.

We were just barging in 'cause...

...Angie's got to use your toilet.

- It's a diarrhea thing.
- Dude, seriously. Why?

Okay, so the three of you
are dating each other?

Yeah, we're a throuple.

I've never been happier.

I-I-I call my mom now.

I don't know how that relates.

Dang. Y'all are cheesin' hard.

Miggy, did I even know you dated guys?

No, you've met his boyfriends before.

Remember Chubby Mario Lopez?

Yeah, if you're confused,

he looked exactly like
Mario Lopez but chubby.

Oh, yeah, he was dope.

Okay, I guess I did know.

Sorry, this old brain basket of
mine's got a lot of holes in it.

It's all good, bro.

I don't really dig labels.

It's just more of the vibe for me.

And right now, I'm vibin' double.

- Angie, no.
- What, I can't wink?

You are not part of the group.

I have a question.

Sorry to sound like the old Millennial,

but how does this work?

Anybody ever feel left out or...?

We have a three-pronged approach

for working through the sticky stuff...

radical honesty, active listening,

and open communication.

And it just works.

Well, now I want to be in a throuple!

How did you guys meet?

Oh, there's a poly dating app.
It's called Big Bed.

And, Brian, you're on it?

Okay.

Sophie Cooper,
at 3:00 P.M. this afternoon,

I was crawling into my indoor hammock,

firing up an audiobook
on self-compassion.

I had just put down my cat for a nap.

Okay.

- Where were you at that time?
- I was shopping

at the center for... shopping?

The Eagle Rock mall.
First floor. Claire's.

By yourself?

No, Douglas took me
with Emma and Amy after school,

and then he brought me home,
which is why he's here now.

Next question.

My God, she's doing it.

She's good at lying.

We did it.
We destroyed her inner conscience.

Now there's no stopping her.

May be time to break out
that Harvard bumper sticker.

Though, I can tell you one thing,

can't hold a damn candle
to SUNY Buffalo.

Did you purchase anything?

Yes, two scrunchies

and a towel with a drawing
of a muscled body on it.

My dad loves joke towels.

All right.

Seems like you have your story straight.

Don't know what to do now.

Got no leads.

Sounds like another
A-plus weekend for old Yarbs.

Well, 62 bad years under my belt.

What's one more?

Yeah, it's my birthday.

Thanks, Dad.

Man, now that I've lost
that pesky moral-compass thing,

let's fill up that Sophie shelf
until it explodes!

I'm riding these hollow insides
to the top.

Wait! Vice Principal Yarble!

You're screaming. I'm right here.

Sophie's lying, but I-I told her to lie.

- It's my fault.
- Dad, no!

No, I led her astray.

We should never have tried
to cover this up.

The truth is, yes,
she stole the bird, okay?

But only because she was
following her conscience.

Dad! We were getting away with it.

Yeah, but at what cost, bud?

You have such a great heart,
and you should always follow it.

Consequences be damned.

Who cares if I only have Felicity's
curly hair in my dreams?

Look, the only crime was her lie,

and I told her to do that.

So if you're gonna
blame anybody, blame me.

Okay. I will blame you.

- Oh, thank God.
- And her.

What? But... But she didn't do anything.

She didn't even mean to kill the bird.

The bird's dead?!

Okay, well, now you're screaming.

Look, both of us will accept
any punishment coming our way.

And what was your part in all this?

Oh, nothing.

Just hanging with my buds.

Deed's done. Time to settle up.

We can charge by hour
or by weight of the remains.

My girls don't leave prints, Yarble.

You'll never be able to prove anything.

Happy birthday.

That throuple seemed so happy

and supportive of each other.

Are youths... smart?

Did Miggy just teach me
something about relationships?

Did Brian have the bluest eyes
you've ever seen?

- Huh?
- I'm sorry.

I thought we were just
asking questions about the day.

I can't believe that I'm gonna say this,

but maybe you should...

try the three-pronged approach
with Sharon.

You know, the more honest you are,

the easier this will all be.

Wow.

That's good advice.

I can't believe Rory's about to
have a little sister.

It's actually pretty cool.

Yeah.

Hey, thanks for
getting me through tonight.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. I did it.

Am I... Poppy?

Well, real Poppy wouldn't have
ran out of gas on the way home.

But... yeah, you did it.

Great.

So in another news, I'm already
killing it on Big Bed.

Okay.

Pete looks different.

Nah, he just missed us.

How was your weekend, Pete?

Welcome to Toyota of Lancaster.

It's the same bird. Move along.

Why is there so much trash
on the ground?

Why is everything so wet?

Dad, I'm sorry
we won't be celebrating me

as Student of the Year.

Well, it turns out
I'm not really a maroon guy,

and it was a Zara off-the-rack suit,

so super baggy in the butt.

Probably best if I don't wear it at all.

And I'm really proud of you.

And I'm proud of you, too.

Mostly for becoming
a sociopath-level liar

in one afternoon.

And also for standing up
for what you believe in.

Ooh. I want to show you this.

Huh?

Is that you?

Yeah. I fought for a cause or two.

After all, I was a child of the '70s.

- 1870s.
- Hey-oh!

Boys!

Okay, look, the point is,
kids are dumb dreamers,

but, you know, maybe that phase
is good for something, huh?

Wow. That was almost touching.
Thanks, Douglas.

Since when did the kids
get so comfortable

calling me by my first name?

Back to work.

Special reward
if anyone finds my retainer.

Yes, Ms. Yarble.

Don't do that.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com