Single Parents (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Angie-Man - full transcript

I don't get why you're boxing up
this wine I recommended.

It's got everything you need...
grapes, et cetera.

Because, Miggy, according
to this letter from the FDA,

this wine with goat on the bottle

also has goat in the bottle.

The hair or the meat?
How much goat we talking?

Isn't any amount of goat bad?

- Mm...
- Look, we're not doing this.

- I gotta get it off the shelves.
- 'Kay.

And now Rory's giving me
his "Where's my snack?" eyes.

Daddy hungry.



There she is... Poppy,
the May to my December.

There he is... Douglas, my sexy, eh...

lighthouse.

Hey, why don't we, uh, skip out of here

and spend the afternoon together, huh?

I gotta blow off steam
after this three-day work week.

I would love to,

but I've got a busy day
carting Rory around.

Plus, now I've got a goat situation.

There's hoof in the wine.

Yeah.

Okay. That's my cue.

I'm gonna go to the club
and maybe hop in a golf cart,

nod off, and just see where I wake up.



- Mm.
- You know, rich guy weekend.

Mm-hmm. Bye.

Ah, sir, a moment?

Thanks. Hi.

Couldn't help but overhear

you totally dropping the ball
with your girlfriend!

She clearly needs your help here.

If she wanted help, she would've asked.

That's what grown-ups do.

Shush! Sweet child.

- Shush.
- Don't shush me.

My mother would never ask for help.

That's not who she is.

But go ahead. End up like Davey.

- Who's Davey?
- Who's Davey?

Her last serious boyfriend.

He was great.
Tall like you, maybe taller.

Oh, taller than me is too tall.

Anyway, he never helped her,
and she never asked him to,

so now he's dead.

To her.

But... I get it.

You're totally incapable of pitching in.

Incapable? It's a choice.

That's why I hired a 60-year-old
butler 30 years ago.

Well, you keep those hands clean, Davey.

I mean, Douglas.

Damn you!

Poppy?

Uh, let me help you out.

Why don't I take Rory for the day?

Really? No, no, no, no. I could
never ask you to do that.

Eh, you're not asking.
I'm offering. Come on.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Because I can just... I can...

No, really, it'll be a breeze.

And I can tell that you have
your hands full with, uh...

Ohhh, Poppy.

I-I think my tum-tums
got the rumb-rumbs!

But it's okay. I'm gonna wash it
down with some more wine.

No, Miggy.

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02x11 - The Angie-Man

Ohh. 40 years. Wow.

Your parents have been married
for, like,

over two-thirds of Douglas.

Yeah, if you'd told me a month ago

we'd be celebrating their anniversary,

I would've said "Buzzer sound!"

'Cause I had a really sore throat

and it would've hurt
to make an actual buzzer sound.

But also because I thought
their marriage was doomed.

Right. Right.

Because when you were
giving my son the...

sex talk, you learned...

A fact about sex that I didn't know...

my father was having it
with someone besides my mother.

And not just anyone.

His fellow health teacher,
Ms. Sugars Hawthorne.

Ah, two health teachers.

Do you think it was, like,
super hot or super clinical?

I confronted him about it,
and he talked to my mom,

and clearly, they worked things out

because here we are,
celebrating their love.

I don't trust anyone
who works through problems.

It's not a real thing.

But I do love your parents.

They're the only people

still using technology
that I can help with.

Yeah. Well, they really love you.

And the free tech support.

Hey, you should actually stay
for the party.

Ah, you don't need me.
I mean, won't Tracy be here?

No, she got called into work.
A big story broke.

Apparently, a group of cats took
over a sushi restaurant.

It's pretty funny.

It's an anniversary party.

It's gonna be all couples. Smells datey.

I'm gonna head out.

I came, I saw, helped set up,

- ate all the mini grilled cheeses.
- Thank you for that.

- This is a wrap on D'Amato.
- All right.

Look who's here!

- Whoo!
- Your two favorite palindromes...

Mom and Dad!

I'll take one large hug, please,

hold the pickles.

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

Hey.

Ohhhh!

Happy anniversary.

Yeah.

Ohh!

Look at you.

- Oh, it's good to see you.
- You, too.

Listen, my Garmin is on the fritz again.

- Again? Ugh.
- I know. Yeah.

What's with the purse?

You're gonna stay for the party,
aren't you?

Oh. Uh...

Uh...

Yeah. Sure.

Of course.

I mean, who am I? Meghan Markle?
Where do I gotta be?

Aah! Staying!

She just threw it over there.

What's wrong with Tony?

Cassandra dumped him again.

This time, she ain't coming back.

I know that look. Tony's in pain.

There's only one way
to make that man whole again.

He needs a woman.

Should we call his mom?

Tony used to babysit Elvis.

You think his mom's still alive?

I'll get the shovels.

Won't be the first time.

Ladies, I'm not talking about a mom.

I'm talking about
a special kind of friend.

I don't mean to be crass,
but we need to get this man...

hugged.

Well, no one's gonna hug him
looking like that.

Come on.

Let's put in a new backsplash
and flip this house.

All right. We did it.

Three farmer's markets,

two laps around the ointment district,

and a very confusing stop
at a Judaica store.

Okay, they have the best candles,

and you just know nothing
about atmosphere.

Yeah? Why don't you tell that
to my $30,000 chandelier,

you scrub?

I'm exhausted.

How long have I been
watching you? Two, three weeks?

- It's been four hours.
- Really?

I don't know how
your mom does this every day.

All right, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna take a soft 20.

Do you have a Wall Street
Journal lying around?

Don't you dare check the markets now.

You still have to take me
to go get my new tap shoes.

Okay, now, I know for a fact

you have seven different pairs
in your closet.

I've turned on them all.

And they on me.

Well, then you're gonna
have to dance barefoot.

You can make the sounds with your mouth.

"Click-clack-tap." See? It's easy.

Well, guess I should be grateful.

Least I didn't get kidnapped.

Let me just text my mom.

Hey, Siri, send message to Poppy.

"Douglas dropping the ball, period.

Couldn't provide help, period.

Suggestions, question mark."

A-A-At ease, Sarah.

All right, fine.

You want shoes? I know the guy
at the Ferragamo store.

He can get us the illegal stuff.

Oh, no, no, no.

I only get my dance shoes

from Foot Clothes for
Number One Best Music Moving.

It's foreign-owned.

Well, thank you all for coming.

Uh, boy, being married to me
for all those years,

well, it couldn't have been easy.

No.

My, uh, hair-plug trial
nearly ruined us.

Uh, my weight fluctuates 70 pounds

in each direction every six months,

and I don't go to Burning Man,

but I talk about it...

all the time.

Oh, and also, honey,

don't forget you banged
the girls' health teacher.

Oh. That was a big one.

They're incredible.

They've had both their arms
ripped off by a gorilla,

and they're still pitching
a perfect game.

I don't know how they did it.

You're probably wondering how we did it.

Well, we sought the help

of a licensed marriage counselor.

And then an unlicensed one
whose office had better parking.

But what we found most helpful...

was how inspired we were
by a very special couple.

Yes. They're best friends.

They're co-captains of the S.S. Romance.

They're partners in the law firm
of Smooch, Hug, and Feingold.

That's right.

We're talking about our son Will.

And his girlfriend, Angie.

To Will and Angie.

Will and Angie!

Wait. What is happening?
Why are they throwing to us?

Do they want us to say
the name of the couple?

The couple is us, Angie.

Terrible twist...

the toast is coming
from inside the house.

Oh.

Hey, guys. A note about your toast...

Yeah, less of a note,
more of just, like,

a "What-chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

That's a synonym for note.

Mom, Dad, uh...

- the thing about Angie and I is that we...
- I'm sorry.

Did we embarrass you,

Mr. Big Shot Weatherman
Public Personality?

So, sue us.

We're very proud
that you found true love.

We're parents. We brag. It's what we do.

No, Mom, we're not...

We didn't want to get
bogged down in details

in front of our friends,
but the truth is...

we were this close to a divorce.

- Oh.
- My bags were packed.

Your father grew a soul patch.

I was one click away
from a black leather couch.

Started wearing my wedding ring
on my thumb.

But in our darkest times,
when it just feels

like there is no point
in trying anymore,

that one ray of light

that cuts through the blackness
and it gives us hope.

- Me and Angie?
- Us?

Yes, you're so inspiring,

the way you communicate
and support each other.

Look, we understand it might not
make any sense to you,

- but it makes sense to us.
- Yeah.

So, Will's relationship with me

is what's keeping you...

- from... a divorce?
- Boop.

- Perfectly said.
- Yes.

Will, hang on to this one.

She has a knack for summaries,

and she can figure out the tabs
on your Netscape!

And your sexual chemistry
is the stuff of volcanoes.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna stop you right there.

While it is true that I, myself,

ooze sexuality all over the place,

uh, Will and I...

Babe?

A mo'?

Oh!

I think that was short for moment.

Ugh, your hand is soaking wet.

Because I'm nervous, okay?

The only thing keeping my
parents' real marriage together

is our fake relationship.

We have to play along.

Okay, dude.
You are a grown man, all right?

You can handle your parents
getting divorced.

The thing you should
really be upset about

is that they are going to die.

Not today, but soon.

Come on, all we have to do is
convince a bunch of old people

that we're in love for like two hours,

just until the sun sets, and they
return home to watch "Jeopardy!"

- It'll be easy.
- That's what you think.

No one's gonna buy
that you scored this hot piece.

What?! I'm on TV. I'm a local celebrity.

Women look at me

and they salivate
like I'm a rotisserie chicken.

The fan mail I get, Angie... insane.

Most of it's from prison, but the things
they say they want to do to me...

You're not writing them back, are you?

It would be rude if I didn't,
but I am worried

I'm getting in too deep
and can't get out of it.

Anyway, please just pretend
to be my girlfriend.

Don't you think
that this is all a bit much?

I don't like it either, okay?

But I can't let my mom and dad
get divorced.

Divorce is what happens to other people

and to me personally,
but not to my parents.

Ohh! Bud and Lucy spoke about
the two of you so beautifully.

- Oh!
- So, tell us, what's your secret?

Um...

- Honey.
- Mm-hmm?

I'll take this one.

Okay.

When I come home from work,

there are three things
he has waiting for me.

Number one, a hot meal,

number two, an ice-cold martini...

...and number three,
foot rub so intense,

Mama sees angels.

A-A-Also, we like beaches.

The movie and the place.

How you feeling?

I'm gonna find that goat

and make it drink a wine made out of me.

Well, I finished boxing up
the goat wine.

So, guess I should go get Rory.

He probably has Douglas
in some kind of outfit by now.

O-Or, since he offered to help,

you ask Douglas to keep watching Rory.

You deserve a break.

To do what? Sit around and enjoy myself?

Who am I? Angie?

Come on! Let Douglas help you.

You don't want another Davey.

Ooh! Davey!

- He was useless.
- Useless.

- But boy, was he tall.
- Tall.

I once saw him eat a leaf off a tree

like a brontosaurus.

Hunh.

But you're right. I should do this.

- How should I do it?
- Okay.

So, you text Douglas

and ask him to keep Rory
for the rest of the afternoon

while you go shopping... for you!

And maybe for me, if you feel
so inclined.

- I don't.
- Okay.

But okay.

Um... you know what?

Just gonna text him "I'm tied up."

Right? I mean, why start a thing?

Yeah, close enough.

All right. Let's hit the mall.

I want to see teens and old people

comfortably co-exist.

How did we meet? Uh...

Well, buckle up, because it is a yarn.

Remember, darling?

Uh, like it was yesterday, buttercup.

Uh, we met on a...

- ski trip...
- Hot August night.

Because we both love water skiing...

in the dark.

- It's actually safer.
- Yeah.

Here we go.

Watch me. They have to match.

Believe me, I know symmetry.

Tony! Hold still!

So, next thing we know, this knucklehead

has signed us up
for the pair skiing competition

at the Lake Winnipesaukee Olympics!

- And we win!
- Wha!

What did you win?

- $50,000!
- Fish dinner.

It's an easy mistake
because, you know what?

To look into this man's eyes
while he is eating...

makes you feel
like you have won $50,000.

I do eat fish very sexually.

Watch me, Tony!

You missed a spot!

So, now we're back at our cabin,

first place trophy on the mantel,

our bellies full of catfish...

Our hearts full of love.

And at the exact same time,

we look at one another and we say...

"I love you.

Would you like to go out
on a second date?"

And then what happened?

You know what, Betty? Calm down.

C'mon, you big chimney.

Now that we have my shoes,

only six more stops until dance class.

Could we take a break?

I've done everything you wanted
and more.

I even pulled over coming here

because you thought you saw
Jennifer Lawrence at a Rite Aid.

Okay, it was Jennifer Lopez,
and it also... wasn't her.

That was my B.

Now let's go to a deli.
I haven't eaten in 45 minutes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

You ate 45 minutes ago?
I haven't eaten all day.

Let's sit, huh?

My mom hasn't sat in 10 years.

Do you know how hard that woman works?

Whoo! We're wearing
everything we bought!

Two for leisure, please.

It's not what you think.

Lady, you forgot your alto saxophone.

Ssst!

Here he is!

Men want to be him,
women want to hug him.

Tony!

All that's left to do

is to get this show pony to the rodeo.

Now somebody wake him up.

See? Look how happy they are.

If only there was some music playing,

they wouldn't seem so crazy.

Hey, uh, thank you for...
being my pretend girlfriend.

Oh. Pfft. No problem.

It was actually...

Easy.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go double-napkin
some cake to take home.

Delicious.

Son, you really dressed this party up,

but Angie strutted it down the runway.

Oh, yeah. That's my lady.

The ol' ball and chain. My one and only.

Ohh!

I am so sorry I'm late.

I had to shower twice just to get off

- all the sake and fur.
- H...

- Oh, hi.
- Hi!

Mmm!

♪ Angie's walkin' backwards ♪

♪ Tryin' to leave the room ♪

Ah. Okay, so, that's just
a kiss that we do

that everybody's cool with.

Uh, Angie, do you want
to take Tracy into the kitchen,

show her that kangaroo-shaped
soap dispenser

where the soap comes out of the mouth

but you put the sponge in
the pouch, like a little joey?

Thank you.

I am going to take these parents of mine

into a room that is not this one.

Guys.

Let's throw another soap on the spongy.

- What are you...
- Just come see it.

Kissing another woman?

In your own home?
It's brazen. It's brazen!

He got this from you.

Those might as well be your lips.

Ah. You got my ass,
but you got his lips!

Damn it, Lucy,

I take responsibility for my own mouth,

no one else's!

Okay, guys, I have
a lot of info to get out,

so I need you to put on
your young-people brains, okay?

Yes, you saw me kissing a woman.

That woman, known as Tracy,
is my actual girlfriend.

- What?
- Angie is not my girlfriend,

but when you thought she was,
we went along with it

because you said our relationship
was saving your marriage.

And it's true... my friendship
with Angie is very inspiring,

but I have a great thing
going with Tracy,

and not to build it up
too much... hopefully,

that will be the relationship
that keeps you guys together.

Any questions?

Mom, there's three people in this room.

You don't have to raise your hand.

- Do you always lie to us?
- How long have you known Tracy?

- Was your marriage to Mia real?
- Are you intimate?

- And is Sophie still Sophie?
- Where's her family from?

O-Okay, obviously,
we do need to raise hands,

and, Mom, I saw yours first.

Actually, mine was raised,
but it was low, so... okay.

Is this the Tracy from work?

Yes. She's my boss.

Follow-up question...
do we think that's a good idea?

So, it's two questions per hand raise?

It's good to know.

Everyone will get their turn.

Yes, Tracy is my boss,

but we are navigating the tricky waters

of a modern office romance very well,

and she means a lot to me.

Yes, Father?

Well, what were we supposed to think?

We've never even met Tracy,

and we've been to where
Angie went to elementary school.

We didn't want to go,

- but she took us there anyway.
- Not at all.

Look, Angie is a good fr...

a great friend.

Honestly, she's... my best friend.

Caught between two women.

Sounds familiar.

I was referencing my own affair.

You're not that deep.

Yeah, Dad, we were able
to crack the code.

Yes, Mother?

Is Tracy Presbyterian?

Are we Presbyterian?

See, you push on the head,

and it barfs out the soap, which I love.

Angie... what are you doing?

See, you push on the head,

and it barfs out the soap, which I love.

Okay, Angie.

Look...

It's weird that I'm here.

And not just today,
but... all the times.

And that can't be fun for you.

You're right. It's...

it's not.

See, you push on the head,

and it barfs out the soap, which I love.

Sorry. I'm re-reading your text.

"Still up to my ears in goat wine.

Miggy continues to complain
of rumb-rumbs.

No end in sight."

Yeah. Yeah.

And get this...

the only store
that sells rumb-rumb medicine

keeps woodwinds by the register
for impulse buys.

All right. I'm sorry.

I just... I wanted
to take an afternoon off,

and I couldn't bring myself to ask you.

Look, Poppy, you shouldn't be afraid

to ask me to do anything,
especially if it involves Rory.

Douglas, can you please take Rory

for the rest of the day

so that I can have the afternoon off?

Just for me?

It would be my pleasure.

Click-clack, click-clack,
click-clickity-clack,

clack-clack-, clack-clack,
click-clickity-clack,

clackity-clack, clackity-clack,
clack-clack-clack-clack.

Son of a bitch
isn't even wearing the shoes.

Angie.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'm leaving, but are you okay?

Not really.

Pretty sure my parents' marriage
is screwed.

It's a lot to process.

Do you think that
maybe I could call you later

- and we could...
- Will, I love hanging out with you,

but we need to do less of it.

For Tracy's sake and...

...for everything.

Okay. Yeah.

No, you're... you're probably right.

So, are we getting divorced, or...

Is this like a best-friend divorce?

Oh, no, that would...
that'd crush Betty.

Yeah. Yeah.

No, let's just call it
a best-friend trial separation.

Okay.

But I gotta live my life.

I'm gonna be best friends
with other people.

Hey, we're separated.

None of my business.

We'll always have Lake Winnipesaukee.

Ah. First place.

Oh. Cool. You guys have met.

No, we missed our window,

and now we're stuck
in uncomfortable silence.

Okay. Even better,
because I want to do the honors.

Mom, Dad,

this is my girlfriend, Tracy Freeze.

Hi.

Lovely to meet you.

Uh... now, correct me if I'm wrong,

but is "Freeze" Methodist?

I don't know if a name
can be Methodist...

...but my family's Presbyterian.

I knew it.

We're Episcopalian.

Okay. We've done everything
we can. It's up to him now.

Come on, Tony.

Spread those cheeks and...
let the smile do the talking.

Yeah. Take a lap. Check out the talent.

Good.

Good.

Yeah.

Now perch and let the birds flock.

Here you go.

Oh, my gosh!

Guys, look at my arm.

I'm shaking.

Goodbye, Cassandra.

He's found a new woman,
and he's gonna hug her forever.

Just think of the wedding.

Something small and intimate.

By the sea.

What have we done?

Oh, my God.

We've created a hug ho!

Guys, Tony's asleep.

Tony!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com