Single Parents (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 14 - Yarn and Pebbles - full transcript

I don't understand why I have
to eat them out of a tiny bag.

Portion control, Douglas.

Your cardiologist telling you
you got to watch fat intake

is the best thing that
ever happened to me.

My man's gonna eat healthy,
and we're gonna support him

because we want to keep him alive.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, but
it's Derek's last day in town.

And we're really finding a rhythm.

Ready?

- Ready.
- Ready.

Ooh.



- Ooh!
- Yeah!

- Yeah!
- [Chuckling] Yeah!

Okay, this next batch is blueberry.

Everyone make the adjustments
you need to make.

We tried to make a pancake

into the shape of a "G" for Graham,

but then, it ended up
looking like a swastika.

Take that, Nazis!
We ate you for breakfast!

Sounds confusing for the boy,
but I'm happy for you.

Were there any awkward moments?

Graham didn't have any questions

like "Where's my dad
been my whole life?"

No. We're still sticking to the
Greek blueberry scientist story...

Derek became the most famous blueberry
scientist in the Mediterranean



and then was sent to the
States as an emissary

to help Ratso's launch the new
blueberry fudge pie shake cake.

Sounds solid.

Douglas, what are you doing?

I'm sorry.

I wanted ham.

[Snorting]

Will, we came to see how you're doing

after your breakup with Tracy.

Not great.

But I am distracting
myself with a deep clean.

It's like my Gam-Gam always says,

"The cleaner the floors... "

Is there more to that?

No. Normally, she just
trails off after that.

I never knew my Gam-Gam
when she was doing well.

What you working on here?

I wrote down a list of sexual positions

so that I don't forget them

by the time I'm ready to date again.

"Up and down."

"Back and forth."

"Topsy pushy."

Sweetie, these all sound
like the same thing to me.

Also, you think you're gonna
forget sex positions?

How long you planning on
being out of the game?

I don't know. Possibly forever.

- How you mean?
- Yeah. Miggy's right. How you mean?

Guys, I don't know how
to go on first dates.

The only people I've seriously
dated since my divorce

were Sophie's pediatrician and my boss.

I didn't have to meet them.
They were just there.

Hey, can I have this?

- Can you have it?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Nice.

All right, put down the Windex,

change your shirt, and come with us.

We're gonna get you a first date...

someone to Topsy pushy on.

Topsy pushy with? You know what I mean.

Guys, I'm not ready.

And for the record, "Topsy" and "pushy"

are two different things. I just
wrote them on the same line.

That's worse.

Some people will tell you
to roll your clothes up

or fold them, but the most
efficient way to pack

is just to jam all your
crap right in there.

- Yeah.
- Interesting.

What about your toiletry bag?

Well, ask yourself this...

why do I need a toiletry
bag when I already have...

a shoe?

You just rocked. My. World.

You see? I won't have
a kid with just anyone.

So, what's the plan today, guys?

You want to walk around, find a family

we don't like the looks of,
and challenge them to a fight?

Actually, Derek and I were thinking

that maybe we could have a
little alone time together.

Graham wanted to have a father-son day,

so I was gonna take
him to an L.A. Ratso's

so he could see where I work.

He's really excited to see
how we defrost our eggs.

Oh. So not the three of us?

Just the two of you?

Now you're gettin' it.

- Okay. That's cool.
- Great.

On the way there, I can show you

this amazing place
where you can get gas.

It's a gas station.

I have to get gas.

Okay, Will. Let's get a
first date under your belt.

[Sighs]

Ooh!

There's a woman over there
who's looking at you.

Ohhh, man, she's, like,
undressing me with her eyes.

Do you think she can tell
I'm wearing bike shorts?

- You're wearing bike shorts? Oh, no.
- Oh, God.

I don't know, you guys.
I really don't feel ready.

For what? Coffee?
'Cause that's all it has to be.

- Mm-hmm.
- Come on. Get over there.

- Go, go, go.
- [Exhales sharply]

Shamon.

Sorry. I meant to say hello.

Shamon is what Michael Jackson yells.

Did you... hear what happened?

No. Let's start over.

♪ Shamon! ♪

I was... wundeling...

uh, if you would like to
go on a date sometime.

God, we're really good friends.

We sure are.

You know, I took his
list of sex positions.

- Read it!
- I got you.

[Clears throat] "Holdy rubby."

"Sit and reach."

"Squeezy fun fun."

"Downward facing Will."

"66."

- [Laughs]
- [Chuckles]

So, yeah, Derek and Graham
are going to Ratso's,

just the two of them.

I'm being boxed out

by a human I cooked up from scratch!

How could I not see this coming?

Graham's a guy. Derek's a guy.

I'm not a guy. I can't compete
with blowing up toads

and taking apart hot rods.

Look, you've let Graham go,

so now you just got to play through.

Mm!

Oh, God, this is terrible.

It tastes like Bigfoot's shampoo.

I'm just gonna go to the farmers' market

and let one of those
bra-less ladies help me out.

Can I come? I need a distraction.

It'll be... a Douglas day.

You know, I'm embarrassed to admit it,

but I could really use one of those.

All right, kids, Angie and I are
going to the farmers' market,

so Tony's in charge.

No way Douglas

- is sticking to eating healthy.
- [Door opens]

- Yep. That's a wrap on Dad.
- [Door closes]

He gone.

But we'll survive.

Even if we lose the house,

we've got enough store
credit at Home Depot

to make whatever we need.

But how are you gonna
get everything home?

Whoa. We've never
really thought of that.

Dad's car does have a really big trunk.

Oh, God. It's such a good trunk!

What if we lose the trunk?

What if I told you there was
a way to save your dad?

- And the trunk?!
- What about the trunk, man?

Yes, and the trunk.

We eat all the junk food before he can.

Everything that's not a vegetable.

Ladies, to the icebox!

♪

- Poppy...
- Hmm?

... I don't really know what fire is.

You don't know what fire is? [Scoffs]

Miggy, it's just...

Oh, God, I don't really know either.

See?

Oh, thank goodness. I don't want
to think about this anymore.

Will, how'd it go?

I am so relieved.

- I did it! I went on a first date!
- MIGGY: Yes!

And on the way here,
I called my Gam-Gam to tell her,

and she does not know who I am.

But anyway, thank you,
guys, for making me do that.

Well, really sad for your family,

- but glad you're back out there.
- Yeah!

Well, not actually back out there,

because I have a serious girlfriend now.

- How you mean?
- How you mean?

♪ If you want the greenest beans ♪

♪ Baby, there's a price to pay ♪

♪ I'm a farmer in the market ♪

♪ Gonna buy all the broccoli ♪

This doesn't feel like
a Douglas day so far.

Where is this farmers' market?

- [Brakes squeak]
- Ratso's?

Yeah. We were never gonna do your thing.

All right.

All right.

"All right" as in "go in there"!

- Check on Graham.
- Why am I going in?

Because I don't want to be the
one breaking up their guys' day.

Just go in there, order something,

and pretend it's all a big coincidence.

Come on! This is supposed
to be an Angie day!

It's opposite. That's the opposite!

You know what?

Other than living in
your house for weeks

and loaning me that five-thou,

what have you ever done for me?

Just grumble something
and get out of the car!

[Grumbles]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. So one
date and she's your girlfriend?

Sure. She checks a lot of boxes.

She works in applied
sciences, nice quiet sneeze,

has a Great Dane.

- Oh, can I have it?
- The Great Dane?

Yeah.

I'm gonna guess the answer's
no, but you can ask her.

[Door opens]

Oh, there she is. She was just parking.

Yeah, I guess you could
say my lady drives.

Okay, I got a bad feeling
about this, Miggy.

I mean, don't you think
he's moving too fast?

Maybe she's cool.

Hey, maybe she can pick
stuff up with her toes.

Ah. Yeah.

This is Miggy and Poppy.

- BOTH: Hi.
- Kay.

I'm sorry?

I'm Kay.

Well, that's my middle name.

My first name is Olivia.

My coworkers call me OKay.

[Laughs] That's hilarious.

Why?

Um, Will tells us you
work in applied sciences.

That's true. I work in a
protractor and ruler factory.

I'm in charge of the markings.

That's something.

So... do you have any hobbies?

Yarn...

Mm.

... and pebbles.

- [Exhales sharply]
- Okay.

I'm going to cough.

[Coughs]

Did it.

Will, can we just talk to
you over here for a second?

Sure. Are you gonna be all right?

I am going to drink some warm water.

That's great.

♪

[Water pours]

[Exhales deeply]

Okay, this is your serious girlfriend?

Will, what was so great about this date?

Well, first of all,
the movie was incredible.

And second of all, I did
everything you told me to do...

the new shirts,
the first date questions.

And now if I stay with her,

I never have to do any
of that ever again.

I don't want to go on
any more first dates.

You saw how bad I was.

You said "shamon" twice.

I did. And she still went out with me.

I'm never gonna get that lucky again.

Plus, you would not believe the
costume design in this film.

It sounds like you really
just liked the movie.

Oh, great. She's got a dribble going.

I'm gonna go get her a napkin.

Okay. We better fix this.

- [Gasps] Oh! I got an idea.
- What?

It's not about this, but I
want to remember it later.

What took you so long?!

Oh, sorry. I got caught up
in the food for a second.

Do you realize that they
have an egg sandwich

between two donuts?

- [Exhales sharply]
- Did you check on Graham?

Yeah, and I tell you this as a mentor

and a former landlord...

you do not want to go in there.

♪

So that's a turkey leg biscuit,

a Chinese chicken salad
sandwich croissant,

and a small curry fries.

Up-sell him on the ketchup.

You want ketchup with that?
Only fifty cents a pack.

You won't regret it.

That'll be $48.50.

Please pull up to the rat.

- Up-sell!
- [Bell clanging]

- Oh, hey, Mom!
- Hey!

Big news... they made
Graham an honorary Fatso.

That's what we call all the employees.

This is the best day of my life.

- I'm flying!
- [Bell dings]

It's worse than I thought.

He likes his dad better than me.

I tried to warn you.

God, I love food.

This can't be good.

I'm sweating cookies!

We still have to eat all
the mayonnaise and butter.

You know what we need?

We need reinforcements.
We got to get the big guns.

Beefy Steve. Hungry Franklin.

Oh, my God, it's happening.

I'm throwing a dinner party.

Cool your jets, Banks.

If we throw a party,
our dad will dump a brick.

And if you don't, he'll die,

and you can kiss your trunk goodbye.

Fine. But keep it small.

♪

Sounding great, Tony.

Beefy Steve! You are
looking black Angus prime.

Rocco, where do you hide all that relish

you're throwing down?

Louisa, you are grace.

May I take this home to my owl?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Not only are pebbles
and gravel different,

but straw and hay are
different, as well.

Here's the thing, though...
when you think of hay...

the thick kind that you see in a barn...

that's actually straw.

Hay is the dried grass you see

tied up in bales in the fields.

[Chuckles]

Are we dead?

You know what? I have
to run to the bathroom.

Got to make some front water.

You guys keep talking.

Sorry. I got so off track.

Oh. I was talking about yarn.

- Oh, no.
- So, yarn can be long...

Actually, Kay, let's
talk about you and Will.

I want to get on board,

but this just seems all
really quick to me.

Yes. We are in it.

Yeah, so, Will is in a
very fragile place,

and I just want to know
that you really like him.

Yeah. He's fine.

He's fine?

Well, I mean he's no Tom Bergeron...

- Who dat?
- ... but he seems reliable.

Like a potato,

just like a blank blob that I
can season however I want.

A potato?

Honey, hi. No way.

Will is not a fine potato.
He is a prince.

He is an archduke.

You're fine. You're the fine one.

You are done here.

We are breaking up with you.
Will is not gonna settle.

- So scootch!
- Scootch!

'Kay.

- [Scoffs]
- Oh, but can I have your Great Dane?

[Door opens, closes]

No?! Awful woman.

Where's my best gal?

Look, there's good news and
there's bad news, right?

The good news is, we broke
up with her for you.

- What?!
- Yeah, but the bad news is,

I still ain't got no Great Dane.

Guys, how could you?

It had to be done, Will.
You can do so much better.

Look, she may not be the most
interesting woman in the world,

but I learned more about pebbles
from her than any of you.

And maybe that's enough for
this lonely weatherman.

I'm Will Cooper.

Are you signing off on us?

You're damn right I am.

Shamon, guys.

Shamon.

ANGIE: Man, you were right.
I wish I hadn't seen this.

I know you're freaking
out, and I get it,

but he's leaving tonight.

This is only for an afternoon.

Hell, you could survive a lizard
making a nest in your ass

if it's only for an afternoon.

I'm not really sure when
that situation would arise,

but... I guess I can see your point.

Mom, check it out.

They have trash cans you can
put your whole arm into

because the flap hinges up!

Cool.

And, um, looks like you got
your own small uniform.

Oh, yeah. It's still a little big on me,

but today I'm Tiny Tina.

There used to be a woman
that worked here named Tina,

and she was real small,
so we called her Tiny Tina.

- You actually called her that?
- Yeah, it's not great,

but there was also another Tina,
and she was, well, heavy,

and we did not want
to call her Big Tina.

So sort of found ourselves
backed into a corner.

Check it out.

I put Graham on the schedule
every other weekend.

So I'll come down to L.A. twice a month.

And Graham is gonna become
a permanent honorary Fatso.

If he wants, he can even see

where we keep Mr. Ratso's bones.

Wow!

Yeah. Hoh. [Smacks lips]

That... just gonna be
the two of you, huh?

Together, doing your thing!

Without me!

Indefinitely.

That's so...

- ... fun.
- Can you believe it, Mom?

I get to be Tina the Fatso!

Oh, no, no, no. We take great
care never to say that.

You know, I realize we're in a
delicate family situation here,

but I ordered the onion
tenders about 20 minutes ago

and just want to make
sure they're coming.

I never should have let
this weekend happen.

Suddenly, Derek's Graham's hero,

and I'm just the roommate, chauffeur,

and shoelace coach.

How does that child still not
know how to tie his shoes?

It's insane.

I guess I'm just old news.

Just the same old mom, singing
the same old song since 2011.

♪ Doo Ba Dee doo, wipe yourself ♪

♪ Doo Ba Dee doo,
where's your sweatshirt? ♪

Yeah, I agree that's not a chart topper.

Look, Derek is just
the shiny new object.

Everything that's new is shiny, right?

Cars, apples, polished coconuts.

But you... you're the constant.

You're the rock, Angie.

And he'll always come back to you.

Pfft. That was...

beautiful.

Where did that come from?

I don't know, probably Poppy.

She's...

rubbing off on me, isn't she?

Eh, what the hell am I doing?

I promised her I'd cut
all this stuff out.

I owe her that much.

Douglas, thank you.

[Exhales sharply]

Oh. All right.

Here. Let me just...

There we go.

Hey, buddy.

Oh. Hey, Mom.

I'm taking my fifteen.

They said Tiny Tina used
to smoke on her breaks,

but I'm just bouncing this
burger against the wall.

Check this out.

That's wonderful.

Hey, listen. Um,
I wanted to talk to you.

I just wanted you to know

that if you want to come
here every other week,

I fully support it.

Great. It'll be super cool
to hang out with Derek.

Normally on Saturdays,
I'd just be home with you,

recharging my batteries.

Which is kind of the cornerstone
of my self-care routine.

But things change.

The whole world is
spinning all the time.

Oh, God.

My throat feels tight.

Oh. Okay. It's all right.

Buddy, look, don't black out on me.

You don't have to do anything
you don't want to do.

But I want Derek to like me.

I don't want him to leave again.

Oh, man.

You just got me right in the gut.

Look, your dad cares about you... a lot.

I-It might take a minute

for us to figure out how
he fits into our family,

but... we'll get there.

No matter what, I am
not leaving your side.

♪

Hey. I've been looking for you guys.

Actually, this is the
first place I looked.

I don't know why I said that.

Anyways, about this weekend thing...

Yeah. We should talk about that.

Angie, I could tell from your
face the moment I said it

that I'd overstepped.

Now, I was thinking a lot about it

while I was getting
hair out of the fryer,

and it was not cool of me to do that

without talking to you first.

I should never have put either
of you in that position.

Oh.

Thank you.

I'm really glad the hair in
the fryer got you there.

I'm new to parenting, and you
guys are already a family.

Like me and my turtle.

Except we spend more time together,

because she doesn't go to school.

But I don't want to force
my way into anything.

So...

why don't we take a beat
on the whole Ratso's idea?

That sounds right.

But I'm sure gonna miss

working next to Greece's
biggest blueberry hero.

I'm no hero.

Your mom just said that
so you wouldn't hate me.

I'm not a good blueberry
scientist at all.

I actually really let Greece down.

I abandoned the...

Picker's Guild when they needed me most.

If you want a hero,
you look at your mom,

'cause while I was off, just
gunkin' up the berry paddies,

Angie was taking care of you every day.

If we're being honest,

I don't even really like blueberries.

God, you're a straight shooter.

Listen, I'll be around
anytime you want to see me.

And for the record,

you're a beast on the
drive-through headset.

♪

Oh, God. You guys are both so greasy.

[Horse whickers]

[Horse neighs]

Hey. How ya doin', Will?

Will? Will?

Will? Will?

- Will, you mad? Will?!
- MAN: Shh!

- I don't think it's him.
- [Whispering] Of course it's me!

I'm not talking to you.

You broke up with Kay for me.

Quiet, please.

POPPY: Okay, come on, Miggy. Let's go.

Will, we're really sorry, okay?

We were just trying to look out for you.

You can't just settle for the first
person you go on a date with.

Why not? She was fine.

She was a warm body.

Now I have to go back out
there with the shirts

and the questions, like,
"Should we go see jazz?"

or, "Should we get red or white?

Oh, you like red?

Well, I'm a white guy."
And... bl-bl-bl-bl-bl.

- [Clears throat]
- Deep down,

you know Kay wasn't the one.

She's not generous.

You're gonna find someone who
can see how great you are.

And until then, you need a warm body,

- you got Miggy and me.
- Yeah.

I guess you're right.

Thank you.

But just to be clear,

when you say you'll be
a warm body for me...

- Mm-hmm.
- ... you don't mean that you'll...

- What are you doing?
- It's... a conversation.

Shh!

Hey! You shh!

Oh, nachos. Can I have those?

Beefy Steve,

if you're not eating your pimentos,

then you have not finished your olives!

And, Franklin,

still can't see the bottom
of that mayonnaise jar.

I don't think I can eat
any more mayonnaise.

[Bangs table] Eat it, Franklin!

[Door closes]

What's going on here?

Dad, please don't get mad.

We're eating all the
food so you don't die.

Oh, girls, I'm not gonna die.

We were afraid of
losing the trunk space.

Yeah. It can fit a ton of stuff.

Oh, that is so sweet.

I honestly thought nobody noticed

what a big trunk that car has.

All right. Listen up, everybody.

The girls are right.

You got to finish everything,
or else I'll eat it.

So keep going.

Mr. Fogerty, please no.

Eat the mayonnaise, Franklin.

♪