Single Parents (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 22 - Lance Bass Space Cump - full transcript

Can we just talk about it
a little longer?

There's nothing left to say
about me and Douglas.

Come on, I need this.

Look. Douglas and I agreed

that kiss was a one-time mistake.

We both put it to bed.

I've moved on, and apparently,
he has, too.

- Who is that mysterious hottie?
- No idea.

Maybe a new girlfriend.

- But hey, it's none of my business.
- Okay.

I will never forgive you
for being so boring



about the most interesting thing
that's ever happened.

Wow. He's already introduced
her to the twins.

That was fast.

But, again... none of my business.

Let's see about that.

Hey, Douglas! Hey!

Come introduce us to your busty friend!

- Bring her over here.
- Angie, no.

What's the big deal?
You said it's not a big deal,

- that it's none of your business.
- I did say it's not a big deal,

- but you don't have to do this, Angie.
- So what's the harm?

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Hiiii!

Ladies, this is my mother-in-law.

This is Rose's mom.



Barbara.

So, are you guys lesbians?

'Cause I'm gettin' a vibe.

Yeah.

- Hmm?
- She's a monster.

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♪ It's a place to make cool graphs ♪

♪ Lance Bass Space Camp ♪

♪ Rocket ships and lots of math ♪

♪ Lance Bass Space Camp ♪

♪ Dance and sing from 2:00 to 3:00 ♪

♪ Lance Bass Space Camp ♪

Oh, my God, I have never loved
and hated something

as much as I love and hate
that amazing, horrible song.

There's a rumor that that's the
last song Prince ever wrote.

You know, I understand
the rockets and math,

but why do they dance and sing
from 2:00 to 3:00?

Well, because like the man
who founded it...

♪ Lance Bass Space Camp ♪

...is focused 90 percent on space,

10 percent on the performing arts.

Whatever.
I'm just loving how long it is.

Four weeks kid-free?

I decided I'm gonna spend
the whole thing at a resort.

And since I can't afford that,

I'm gonna post-up at Douglas' pool.

Well, I'm jealous you're
excited about Graham leaving.

I'm gonna miss Sophie so much.

A day without her is painful,
but four wee...

four weeks...

Are you gonna puke or cry?

It's both. It's sort of
a standard puke-cry.

It's gonna happen a lot.

I'm fine.

God. How many waivers
do you need to sign

to send your kid to fake space?

They don't put that in the song.

What waivers?

The waivers. For camp.

- Did you not get waivers?
- I don't think so.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's my space camp check.

I never mailed it in.

I-If you didn't mail the deposit,

then Sophie isn't signed up for...

♪ Lance Bass Space Camp ♪

Yeah.

That.

Hey, how was your dad's?

Exhausting. He and Sharon
are in a fight,

and they think I don't know.

Man. Some relationships
are just roller coasters.

When I think about what my ex
and I went through...

Ex? You mean Bobbi with an "I"?
The golf pro?

- Yeah.
- Miggy,

you guys dated for a week.

That's not a serious relationship.

Then why is she still e-mailing me?

She's not.

This is her newsletter.

"Golf Tolf"?

Is "Tolf" supposed to be like "Talk"?

- Fine!
- Sharon.

Uh, Sharon didn't get the permit
for our beach wedding,

- and now I'm days away, no venue.
- Really?

City permits seem like something

a 23-year-old fiancée
would have on lock.

I can't argue with that.

- Mm-hmm.
- I just wish that I knew someone...

you know, someone who owned a space,

a space with a bar and good lighting,

reasonable prices, parking,

close to the freeway.

Ho'd up. Are you trying
to get your ex-wife

- to host your wedding?
- Eh.

Okay, that's a freakish level
of confidence, even for you.

- Wait. Shh. You hear that?
- What?

Oh, my God. That's your big heart. Yes!

Boom. Boom.

"Let's help Ron."

It's saying it wants to help me!

- It's not saying that.
- Shh! There's more!

"I can't let two people get
married at Burger King!"

Please, Poppy.

- Think of everything I've done for you.
- Mm...

Nothing. You've done nothing for me.

Puh-lease.

Don't dance like...

do that dance.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Getting the good chaise.
Is the kitchen open?

I want to put in an order
for a club sandwich.

Uh, you know, I already told you,

you're not gonna turn my house
into a Sandals.

What's with the lesbian
and the pool stuff?

Screw it. I'll just text you
when I'm thirsty.

Y-You know what? I would rather...

H-Hey! I need to borrow
a tight stocking.

My phlebitis is not taking
to this weather.

Okay, Barbara, you're a young woman.

We both know you don't have phlebitis.

Hey. You don't know
what years on the road

have done to this body.

But that's the life of a
professional cheerleader.

Listen, I know how this works.

You fly in once a year,

and you bring the twins tiaras
and an autographed card

of whatever minor league

baseball player you're sleeping with...

...and then you hit up King Wallet.

So why don't we just cut to the chase?

I'll write you a check,
and you can leave.

I don't need your money anymore.

- I won big at Caesars.
- Palace?

Little Caesars.

I can't get my morning Mountain Dew

without hitting up their slot machine.

If you don't need money,
then why are you here?

I want you to let the twins

spend the summer with me in Reno.

W-With you? Yeah.

Okay, that's not happening.

T-The twins and I, we already

have our summer planned.

We're building a Jacuzzi.

- The girls have already broken ground.
- Douglas.

They're my grandkids.

And I miss them.

They're almost eight.

That's the year that I got my
dear Rose, oh, bless her soul,

her first pair of jazz shoes
and stage teeth.

Your room's ready, ma'am.

Girls, how would you like to spend
the summer with me in Reno?

I'll give you a line of credit,
no bedtime, and unlimited gum.

- Yay!
- Yay!

- Reno!
- Reno!

- Reno!
- Reno!

- Reno!
- Reno!

- Reno!
- Reno!

Uh-huh. I see.

So, barring a flu epidemic that
hits all the right children,

my kid isn't going to space camp?

Okay.

Well, thank you for your time, Crystal.

I love you.

I'm sorry. I don't know
where that came from.

Goodbye.

Sophie isn't going to space camp?

What?

W-Why would you say that?

Big Dubs. It's me.

Oh, Little G. I can't lie to you.

I messed up. Sophie lost
her spot at space camp.

She's gonna be crushed.

Yes, she'll be sad.

But Sophie's a reasonable gal.

She'll understand if you just
tell her what happened.

Dad? Why are you on the floor

with Graham's hand on your shoulder?

The thing is, Soph,
your father made a mistake.

He forgot to mail in the
deposit, and he is so sorry,

but you're not going to space camp.

No, I'm going to space camp.

Soph, I don't think you understand...

Soph understands.

Soph understands very well.

And now you...

are going...

- to fix it.
- 'Kay.

See, it worked out.

All you have to do is fix it.

Listen, about Reno. I just don't think

it's best for the girls to go.

Let me guess... you got this
all handled on your own?

No, we do all right.

We have a system...

I love them, I fear them, it works.

Remember the voicemails that
you left after Rose died?

I stitched a few of 'em together.

Barbara, one of 'em pooped in the tub!

I-I won't clean it! You know what?

I'm just gonna sell the house.

Barbara, Emma just ate a bird!

Barbara, Amy's swinging a hammer!

They get more pathetic from there.

And what happens when they get older?

You know what's headed your way?
Periods.

I-I think I can probably manage.

So, they go to the drug store

and they introduce themselves
to the pharmacist

and he directs 'em to the...

- sanitary napkin aisle, and there's a...
- No, dummy.

You said it yourself.

They need a woman.

Here. Listen.

I can't do this. Take these kids.

I'm not built for this.

Please.

You got to think about
what's best for your girls.

Now, you might want to turn away

'cause I'm gonna let the hogs out.

Wait. W-Wait. Wait. No, no.

Don't worry. Showing up in
person's gonna set us apart.

It's like Wayne Gretzky,
The Great One, said...

"You miss a hundred percent of
the shots you don't take."

Ah, Wayne Gretzky.

The Killer Clown.

That's Wayne Gacy.

What is your mom letting you watch?

I think all these people
are trying to get in.

And they all got here before us.

Cool. Cool, cool.

Cool.

Thanks for watching.

One last thing before I blast off...

deposits for Lance Bass
Space Camp are due...

♪ By, by, by March 1st ♪

Three, two, one.

Blastoff!

You guys hungry? Want any Goldfish?

Soph? Graham?

There it is... "Son of a Beach,
My Beach Wedding Has No Beach."

I'm not sure how this book is feminist.

That's why we keep it up here.

- Here.
- Thank you. Appreciate it.

It's really nice of you to
help me plan this wedding.

I know it can't be easy
considering you're...

Single? Oh, please.

Ron, don't paint a picture like

I'm some lonely crone

who's not getting any action.

I am out there, okay?

I am having nighttime encounters.

That sounds real.

- It is real. I'm in these streets.
- I'm...

Matter of fact,
just the other day, I had

a questionable make-out.

Who was it with?

It was a mistake.

It... made things complicated.
I don't want to talk about it.

You know, uh, for the record,

I still don't like hearing
about you with other guys.

- Ron, you're getting married.
- Hey.

Remember our wedding?

Who could forget every bride's dream?

Courthouse at noon on a Tuesday.

Hey, we were supposed
to make up for that.

Now, come on. Remember?
We said we were gonna

eventually have a big wedding

with all of our friends
and a band and a cake,

our first dance.

Yeah, well, probably
best it didn't happen

'cause I've never seen you dance
without taking your shirt off.

Oh, come on. That is...

- Oh, my God.
- True.

Well, you know what?

- I came up with a saying.
- Oh.

- It's never too late.
- Okay, you did not make that up, Ron.

Never too late.

Wow.

Shall we?

Winebrary, for the first time,
please welcome

- Poppy and Ron.
- You're keeping your shirt on.

- Maybe. Uh-oh.
- ♪ Could it be I'm falling in love ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ With you ♪

I didn't take that $20
from your kitchen counter.

We both know that you did,
and I don't care.

Listen, I need your advice.

My advice? Why?

Well, normally, I'd ask Will and Poppy,

but, you know, they're
not like you and me.

I mean, we love our kids,

but we frequently wish
that they'd go away.

Big-time.

Barbara offered to take
the twins for the summer.

You know, to teach 'em girl stuff.

And I should be over the moon,
but I'm not.

Wait. Hang on.

I did bring my floating
basketball hoop to your house?

Yes, I did. Go on.

All right, see, I was really
excited about building

the Jacuzzi with them, you know?

We... We had it all planned.

We were gonna start construction
early in the morning,

and then we would
break for lunch and pretend

we're eating on a beam high above

1920s New York City.

And then we would unwind
with a-a cold one

as we'd listen to
a baseball game on AM radio.

Ah, the summer it was gonna be.

I cannot wait to see what those
girls turn out like as adults.

But look, i-if you want them
here for the summer,

then they should stay here.

You think so?

Yeah, you're their father. Wait.

Are you saying if the twins stayed,

then I could be soaking
in a new Jacuzzi?

Well, technically, that was
included in the words I said,

but I'd hardly define that
as "what I'm saying."

Then those girls aren't going anywhere.

Where are they right now?

Well, they're with Barbara.

Uh, but, you know, I really don't feel

that you're tending to my emotions

the way I imagined when
I was driving over here.

Deposits for Lance Bass
Space Camp are due

♪ By, by, by March 1st ♪

I get something new
from this every time.

This camp is going to be amazing!

And I 100% get to go!

All right, Graham, take a lap.

Sophie, I'm so sorry I let you down.

I don't know what happened.

You didn't mail the check, Dad.

Yeah, I meant sort of more big picture.

But you're right. I was careless.

You're never careless.

So I'm left to speculate.

If you really wanted me to go,

you would've mailed the check, right?

So on some level,
you wanted me to stay home.

My God. I think you're right.

And that would definitely
explain the dream I had

where I buried Lance Bass alive.

It's fine. I'll stay.

And we'll do the thing
we do every summer...

Will Cooper Couch Camp.

I'll cut out paper hearts
while we sit under blankets

and blast the A/C for two months.

That does sound like so much fun.

But I can't let that happen.

I'm gonna fix this.

How? There's nothing else you can do.

Oh, there's one more thing I can do.

Hey!

I'd like to speak to your supervisor.

He's on the third floor.

We don't allow people on the third...

- The third floor!
- Aah! No!

♪ I need a hero ♪

♪ I'm holding out for a hero
'til the end of the night ♪

♪ He's gotta be strong
and he's gotta be fast ♪

♪ And he's gotta be fresh
from the fight ♪

Oh. Hello.

- Are you Buzz Aldrin?
- No.

Then get out!

So, anyway, my daughter
is dying to come to this camp,

but I forgot to mail in the check.

And now she's gonna have
to go to Couch Camp.

Ooh, is that where you learn
how to design, build,

and mass produce your own
furniture line?

No, it's where you just

sit on the couch
with your dad all summer.

I think what you're talking
about is trade school.

I don't know. I love my child,

but I worry that I'm holding her back.

- I'm lost.
- I get it.

I have moments where
I feel that way, too.

When I get overwhelmed,
I go back to what inspired me

to start a space camp with a nod

to performing arts in the first place.

And what is that, Lance Bass?

All my great loves...

zero gravity, anti-matter,

hitting your mark,

the heliosphere, Fosse...

You're right. I have to go back

to what initially inspired me
to be a parent...

raising a daughter

who's gonna learn how to fly.

I can't keep keeping her down.

Oh, my gosh. S-Say that again.

I can't keep keeping her down.

Yes. Yes.

I've been trying to write
a new song for the camp,

and I have been stuck.

Check it.

♪ When you're out on your own ♪

♪ All alone in this cold town ♪

♪ You need to blast up in the sky ♪

♪ You gotta learn to fly ♪

♪ The world can't keep
keeping you down ♪

♪ Blast off to Space Camp ♪

♪ Lance Bass Space Camp ♪

♪ With a nod to performing arts ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ Space Camp ♪

God, it feels good to collaborate again.

Hey, can you stay and jam?

Will it help my daughter
get into space camp?

Depends. Can you count me in
and make it splashy?

Her name's Sophie Cooper,
and she has all her shots.

Two, three, four!

Douglas. Orngie.

What are you doing here?

You want a vodka?

- I've got a flask.
- Okay, listen, Barb.

We got to talk about this summer.

There's nothing to discuss.

I'm taking your girls to Reno.

They'll fit right in.

Just look at 'em.

Oh, my God.

What the hell am I looking at?

Dad, check it out. We're fancy ladies.

Grandma Barb says we look fine as hell.

No. No.

Get this crap off my face!

All right, that's it, Barb.
You're not taking Emma and Amy.

Why not? You don't know what
to do with two little girls.

They're not little girls.

They're demented maniacs

who happen to be awesome

because they've got a dad
who lets them be

exactly who they want to be.

Day laborers.

Hey, look. I'm not the same

selfish 54-year-old boy
that you once knew.

I've learned a lot of parent things.

I know how to do a high ponytail.

I've seen multiple movies about trolls.

I know what temperature

my oven has to be for chicken fingers,

chicken nuggets, and chicken fries.

Okay. So maybe you've changed.

But what? You can't just send me home.

I want to know my granddaughters.

They don't have their mother,

but they do have me.

I know you miss her. I do, too.

I'll tell you what.
Instead, why don't you just,

uh, spend a few... weeks with us, huh?

But you have to pay for your own booze.

I think I can agree to those terms.

Oh, no! I'm top heavy! Emma, help!

Grab her. Grab her!

♪ When you're not fully grown,
with tiny bones ♪

♪ On this planet ♪

♪ You need to learn about Mars
and neutron stars ♪

♪ And why gravity keeps
keeping you down ♪

♪ And eat space food ♪

♪ Freeze-dried space food ♪

♪ With a hot meal for your dinner ♪

♪ Lance Bass Space Caaamp ♪

Oh, my God. That was so good!

It's really good, Lance.

Do you think we could maybe
take a quick five?

To help with the creative flow.
A pause for the muse.

- Great idea.
- Yeah.

But also to talk about

what I originally came in here for.
My daughter, Sophie.

She wants to come to this camp so bad.

If you could just hear her out.
I'll go get her.

- She's just out...
- Hi, Dad.

Oh, wow. You're literally right here.

It's Lance Bass Space Camp.

It's cool. They're with me.

- Well, any friend of Bill.
- It's Will.

This is my daughter, Sophie.

And this is Graham.

- And who's Graham?
- Angie's son.

- And who's Angie?
- She's a friend.

Oh. I'm friends with Richard Gere.

- Cool.
- Yeah. It is.

Sophie, look, I know how bad
you wanted to go

to Lance Bass Space Camp.

But I do ask that you register...

I know... ♪ By, by, by March 1st ♪

Actually it's...

♪ By, by, by March 1st ♪

I thought I did that.

That being said, your dad loves
you so much, it's inspiring.

It inspired the new theme song.

And now it's inspiring me
to make a rare exception...

you're going to Lance Bass
Space Camp, girl!

And I don't want to blow your mind,

but at the end, you're gonna get to kiss

the skull of Yuri Gagarin.

- I don't believe it!
- I was already going!

Uh, you still have to pay me, though.

And I can't waive the $800 late fee.
I'm so sorry.

- No, I understand.
- Yeah.

- Oh, you mean, like, right now?
- Yes.

- Oh, got it. Okay. Of course. Of course.
- Yeah, that would be great.

So, I just make that out to
Lance Bass Space Camp?

Actually, can you make it out
to Lance Bass Space Cump?

There was an error in our
articles of incorporation. Yeah.

Thanks for sticking up for me.

Hey, I didn't say anything
that wasn't true.

Nobody except you could
raise those little weirdos.

I think eventually,
their interests are gonna

grow beyond just simple home demolition,

and I won't be able to handle 'em alone.

But it'd be nice for them to
have a woman in their life.

Well, you're gonna
find someone, Douglas.

Maybe you already have.

Good God.

You know I kissed Poppy.

Guh... Wha...?

Nuh-uh. Yeah. Of course I know.

You ladies and your yappin'.

That's exactly what we call it.

But, you know, if you care about her,

you should tell her.

Now?

We can finish our drinks first.

Okay, easy.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What happened?

You need me to plan your honeymoon, too?

No.

I'm here because I...

I can't stop thinking about you.

Okay. Ron, walking down memory lane

had me in my feelings, too, but
you're about to marry Sharon.

At the Winebrary.

You already put down your $10 deposit.

I can't lose you again.

And I think you feel the same.

Hey, thanks for getting me
into space camp.

I know it wasn't easy

and you had to fight against all
of your natural instincts.

Yeah. Should I quit my job
and become a songwriter?

- Mm, no.
- Okay.

- Oh, I love you!
- I love you, too.

Go. Fly.

Make sure to sit in
an emergency exit row.

And don't let space become
your new father!

Okay, we got your EpiPen, Band-Aids,

Motrin, motion sickness pills,

sleep mask... four bottles of cologne?

Hey, if Hilltop's any indication,

I'll have at least four girlfriends

before the end of camp.

Bringing that swagger to space.

I'm a proud mom.

- Be safe.
- Bye, Mom.

Bye, Graham.

Mom? It's, um...

already time for me to go?

To space camp?

Lance Bass Space Camp? Mom?

I gotta go to space camp!

- Bye.
- Bye.

You know, I think I've made progress.

Not sure if I even need
these crying shades.

Angie, you okay?

Can we go get ice cream?

But not, like, good ice cream

but, like, cheap, comforting,
garbage ice cream?

Yeah.

I'll drive.

That bus took my baby!

Angie! Angie!

You're never gonna catch...

Oh, wow. She's pretty fast.

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www.addic7ed.com