Single Parents (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 21 - Joust! - full transcript

And that's why you should elect me

as your Second Grade President.

Vote for some-bunny you can depend on.

You know, that bunny-eared
freak really grates me.

She's been president every
year since kindergarten.

She's lost touch with the people.

It's ridiculous... this whole election.

Back in my day, it was

"Heads down, hands up. Timmy wins.

Uhp. There's the nuke
siren. Duck and cover."

Okay, shut up, shut up. It's time.



♪ La la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la laaaa ♪

♪ Hai Si Ja ♪

- ♪ Hold tight ♪
- What up, Hilltop?

I'm Rory Banks, here to announce

my bid for Class President!

Whoo!

I will not rest until we eliminate math.

I've said it before...
we all have calculators!

I don't envy you.

Elections are a total
time suck for parents.

It's canvassing, cold-calling...

all while the kids in China
are learning engineering

and preparing to destroy us.



- Anyway, have fun.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, if any of you would like to
donate any of your lunch money

or help pad out my circle of "yes men,"

please speak to one of my running mates.

Who wants a T-shirt?

Ooh!

See that? Those ladies are your ladies.

Welcome to the ticket, fool.

Do you have any red wine
that's even redder?

Like, more the color of the
blood of The Sacred Ox?

Okay, what's happening
here? Is this a cult thing?

If it's a moon cult, I'm
in. I love moon stuff.

No, it's just "Joust" night, baby!

Ohh! That fantasy show with
the knights and dragons?

- They are not dragons.
- They're not dragons.

They're stegasuses.

They're like a pegasus with
armor, like a stegosaurus.

Okay. I'm sorry I... called them that.

Angie and I are binge-watching
the first three seasons

before the new one drops next week.

Yeah, we've developed a nightly
ritual of watching, drinking,

and speaking in an unspecific
pan-European dialect.

It's a smith's barrel of fun!

Are you guys sure watching a
show this hard is healthy?

Because you remember what happened

when people saw the finale of "Lost."

I loved the "Lost" finale.

Well, it's a lot healthier
than obsessing over

my breakup with Owen.

Yeah, Angie and I are kind
of nailing being single.

Bingeing is the best way not to deal

with my grand gesture
I made towards Tracy.

It's been so weird since
I showed up at her house

to ask her out and met
her boyfriend instead.

Yeah. That was a big swing.

Yeah, but there's something between us.

All of our conversations are
charged with chemistry.

This toaster's pretty slow.

Not as slow as the last one.

Huh.

Is that the end of that story, or... ?

There's no good way to convey chemistry

through conversation, okay?

But trust me, our vibe is electric.

- Howdy.
- Miggy, what are you wearing?

You look like you mugged a
mannequin at a golf shop.

When you're dating Bobbi
Babsen, Golf Pro to the Stars,

there's an image to keep up.

So she's been putting me in new threads.

Turns out being a kept
man is kinda dope.

Well, we don't need love.

We have the whole "Joust" universe

of the stegasus, the
Guardians of Corynne Wood,

and The Grand Priestess
of Lazarian's Mount.

I love that theme song.

♪ Joust! Joust! Joust! ♪

- ♪ Joust! Joust! ♪
- Oh, I can do that!

♪ Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! ♪

- ♪ Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! ♪
- Okay...

- ♪ Joust! Joust! Joust! ♪
- All right. I'll...

It's not gonna work.

All right, Rory, I got your
glitter glue and scissors.

Could not find a strobe light.

All of these buttons are pictures
of me from the left side.

- So?
- My left side is my bad side,

Mother. Please fix this.

Okay, Douglas, you maybe
want to step in here?

I made you two blond helpers.
What more do you want?

You gotta see this!

Rory Banks says he's pro-recess.

But what was he doing on the
sunniest day of the year?

Oh, my gosh.

It's hard to read with the glare!

He says he wants to cut math.

But then why choose a
running mate who knows...

algebra?

You two swore that there was no

compromising footage of
you floating around.

A vote for Rory is a vote against fun.

I'm Bunny Ears, and I
approve this message.

Losers?! M-My kids are not losers!

Who the hell does that
child think she is?

And why the hell do we have buttons

with a picture of Rory
from his bad side?

I gave birth to that bad
side, and I still hate it.

All right, Emma, fetch
me my expensive marker.

I'm tagging in!

Let's go!

- You look great.
- Thank you.

Thank you for throwing out
that hideous bomber jacket.

- Oh, you're welcome.
- Hey,

does Miggy's new relationship

seem odd to you?

I dunno.

Louisa made me carry a pocket watch.

Oh. And where's the
braided belt I got you?

Oh! Uh, I-I-I got bored
and unbraided it.

I'm sorry, Bobbi.

I wanted to see what would happen.

It's what you think.

Mm.

Oh.

- I'll be right back.
- Oh, okay.

Hey, guys.

Miggy, let's dish.

Is this new relationship
making you miserable?

You kidding? It's amazing!

Bobbi takes me to dinner
every night at the club,

she buys me all new stuff,

and all I have to do is be a
completely different person.

Love is about changing yourself

to be whatever the other person wants.

- True story.
- I don't think that's true.

Actually, I am nervous about
the Whistling Pines Clam Bake.

I don't know what they do at clam bakes!

And if I mess this up in front
of her celebrity clients,

she's gonna dump me for sure.

It's gonna be hard going
back to that DFBL.

Dat Frozen Burrito Life.

Well, you're in luck.

I know everything about clam bakes.

My American Girl doll,
Tinsley, summers in Nantucket.

Yeah!

One question.

What's clams?

Ignore him.

♪ Joust! Joust! ♪

Damn.

That was a good episode.

Yeah, I just stress-ate
that whole pizza.

♪ Joust! Joust, Joust, Joust! ♪

Mm.

- Tracy Freeze?!
- Hi.

What are you doing here? Did I
leave the green screen down?

What? No.

Okay, this might be insane, I know,

but I broke up with Travis... finally.

And I found myself driving
here without a plan.

And then I sat in my car rehearsing

what I was gonna say
to you for 10 minutes,

and now I'm here, and...

I forgot everything I was gonna say.

So, to sum up...

you wanna get a drink...

with me?

I...

- Well, I...
- Hey.

Ohhh... hi!

Why are you looking at me like that?

Do I have sauce on my face?

I didn't realize I was
interrupting something.

No! Pbht!

You're not... really. I am no one.

Yeah, she's no one.

This was nuts, and I know that.

So... I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Um, I'll see you
tomorrow at the toaster.

Toaster.

Oh, my God! What just happened?

I think your boss just broke
up with her boyfriend

and immediately drove
here to ask you out.

That's so awesome! How did I do?

Bad! You straight-up rejected her.

Why did I do that? I'm such an idiot!

Oh, God, you got to go and catch her!

Oh, and she's s-still out in her car!

But what about "Joust"?

We were just gonna watch episode 8.

Dude, we can pick it up
tomorrow. Go! Now!

Okay. I'm gonna go.

Don't steal anything.

But seriously, don't steal anything.

Hmm.

Not bad for someone who's
had two glasses of scotch.

It's four.

And actually, this would be much better

if I could use my charcoals.

- Charcoals?
- That's right.

Oh, you fancy.

I'm impressed, by the way.

You are? Why?

I don't know... it's late, you're here,

killing yourself over a
poster for our kids...

- Yes.
- ... and you could be at the club.

Oh, you know, I could be.

And it happens to be
surf 'n' turf night.

- Tonight?
- You heard me.

And I haven't missed one of
those since the late '90s.

They have a plaque for me
above the lobster tank.

Oh. Well, then you should go. I mean...

No. I don't want to go.

You should go, Douglas. I...

I'm taking a week off shellfish.

We can do this later.

I don't want to go. I
want to be with you.

- O-Oh.
- Yep.

Oh, my God.

It's Rory.

He said Bunny Ears dropped
out of the election.

- No.
- Yes!

That means he's running uncontested,

so he's automatically gonna win.

My son is a young black president.

- I made an Obama!
- Amazing!

- Ooh!
- We did it!

- We did it!
- Ahh!

Whew.

What just happened?

Unclear.

So, I'm gonna go, 'cause it's... late.

- Yes. So late.
- Great.

- Okay.
- Awesome.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I'll finish the posters.

Yeah.

Last night was so fun.

It was so fun. We were at that
bar for like three hours.

Four, if you count the hour we
made out in the parking lot.

Ahh!

Hey!

Can someone give me a ride home?

I left my car at an Arby's,
Lord knows which one.

Guy. Not now.

Fantastic.

Uh...

What if we... hang out again tonight?

Is... Is that crazy?

Yeah, I'm down.

Oh! I have plans with Angie.

But you know what? Let
me give her a call.

One second.

Will.

Hello!

Hey, Angie phalange.

It's your boy Will Cooper.

Things are going so well with Tracy,

so I think we're gonna
go out again tonight,

which means I'll be late for "Joust."

Wow! Pbht.

Three nights in a row, huh?

Is anyone even doing the
news over at KZOP anymore?

Or is it all just toast and make-outs?

- Are you annoyed?
- No,

not at all. I just...

want to know what my night
looks like, that's all.

Plus, we have to stay on
schedule for the premiere,

- remember?
- Will.

Your toast is ready.

I'll be there by 10:00.

Bye.

Well, Will's having his toast
made by some broad at work.

- So that's great. Happy for him.
- I kissed Douglas.

- Huh?! Fogerty?
- Yes.

- Douglas Fogerty?
- Yes.

- Douglas Fogerty?
- Yep.

- No!
- Ow!

- Were you drunk?
- I wish.

That would explain it. It just...

It happened, like Chris
Harrison said it would.

Did you like it?

I mean, Douglas stands for
everything that I hate.

He calls dinner "supper."

Blegh.

But... I mean, I didn't not like it.

Oh, my God.

- You liked it!
- Eh.

Did he?

Of course he did. You're a total piece.

- Thanks, girl.
- So, what happened after?

Nothing. We haven't talked... I
mean, I haven't even seen him.

And you weren't drunk?

Girl, you already asked me that!

Am I drunk? What's happening?!

I gotta figure this out.

Damn.

Another crazy day at the picnic tables.

In a past life, I died on a ship.

All right.

Mmm!

Strong brine, smooth finish.

This is a delicious East Bay littleneck.

- How am I doing?
- You've become a real pro.

Yes!

Ooh, gotta go meet my makeup guy.

Your makeup guy?

Bobbi wants me to cover up my tattoos.

The clam bake's on the beach,
so I'll have my shirt off,

and she says my tattoos
don't go with clams.

Miggy, do you hear yourself?

She's treating you like a Barbie doll.

I'm not a doll. I'm a boyfriend.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

W-Well, maybe I've been so
busy taking care of Jack,

I like having someone take care of me.

Well, I can't stand by and watch
you erase your Miggy-ness.

S-Sophie...

Eh, sounds like a pretty sweet setup.

I say just go limp

and enjoy the easy river, muchacho.

Hi!

Sorry I am late.

The restaurant was packed,

and then Guy McCormick
crashed our dinner,

and long story short, we
had to call his sponsor.

I just lost track of time,

but I'm here now...

ready to watch episode 8,

"The Winds of Bloodfire."

♪ Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! ♪

I already watched it.

You watched it? Without me?

Well, yeah. I mean, you said you
were gonna be here hours ago,

and then you weren't,
so... I watched it.

Okay.

- You seem upset.
- Au contraire !

I am thrilled that
everyone is finding love.

Over the moon!

- "Everyone"?
- You and Tracy,

Miggy, Poppy...

- Who's Poppy into?
- No one!

And if you knew, it
would blow your mind!

Okay, so now you're punishing me

by withholding gossip? You know what?

You're the one who watched
the episode without me.

You're the betrayer.

You are the half-hand of Tirélea.

I think we should "Joust" separately.

- You don't mean that.
- I can't depend on you.

You are not committed to the Tournament!

Yes, I am!

You're just mad 'cause I'm
finally the one canceling plans.

When you were with Owen,

you would cancel on me all the time.

You even texted me once, "Sorry.

- Got a ticket to Bone Town"!
- Okay,

it was a round trip to Doinks-ville,

and it would've been rude to refuse it!

Meanwhile, I'm at home, single,

binge-watching "Planet Earth" on my own,

and I got by fine.

Well, I guess we're good on our own.

I'll just log out of
your Netflix account.

- Good!
- Great!

Wonderful!

- Awesome!
- Do it!

I'm doing it!

Okay.

Uh, I guess... I'll be going, then.

Actually, can you log
back in really quick?

That was a crazy move.

I don't want to pay for my own account.

Poppy. Hey.

Hi.

So, about last night...

the... kiss.

Yes.

Yes, the kiss. I-I was there.

Right. Should we...
talk about it, or... ?

Sure. Yeah.

Talk.

H-Hey, you know what?

Tony is, uh, making
me supper, and, uh...

... would you care to join, or... ?

Uh, join you?

For dinner? Like... Like a date?

Well, it doesn't have to be a date.

Or it... it could be, I guess.

- Oh.
- We could toast to Rory winning.

Okay.

Was that crazy or what?

I mean, Bunny Ears just
dropped out of the race.

- That was an act of God.
- Mm-hmm.

Why do you have a weird look?

What... Did you do something?

It doesn't matter.

The point is, the rabbit
is out of the race.

What did you do, Douglas?

I merely encouraged her to step aside.

Look, Poppy, everyone has their price,

and her price was a $600 scooter.

I talked her down from a Jet Ski.

You rigged a child's election?

What is wrong with you?!

And what the hell kind
of bougie-ass scooter

costs $600?!

Where are you going?

To fix this.

To put Bunny Ears back on the ballot!

What, you don't want Rory to win?

Not like this.

I can't believe I let you kiss me.

I... E-E-Excuse me.

You kissed me.

Oh, no, no, no. No!

You kissed me. You leaned down.

Oh! You leaned up.

- What?! No! You leaned down!
- Yeah. You leaned up.

- Down! Down!
- Up.

- Down!
- Up!!

You leaned... Doesn't matter,

'cause it's never gonna happen again.

Okay?

Down!

Up.

Amazing work!

Really brings out your nipples.

They're great, by the way...
perfectly symmetrical.

Well, you could see them
before, but thanks.

You are just too good to be true.

I can't believe I met

a perfectly nippled man who loves clams

and spends all of his free
time watching me golf.

Mwah!

We should have these tattoos
removed permanently.

- What?
- I have an in

with a top plastic surgeon.

I fixed his slice, he lowered
my hairline 2 inches.

Get your shirt. Let's go.

Bobbi, I...

I don't want to get rid of my tattoos.

They're who I am.

Well, so was my widow's peak,

but I looked like Nosferatu.

That's cool. And you should
be whoever you want.

But so should I.

What are you doing?

Stop that!

Miggy!

I'm not a guy who
belongs at a clam bake.

And, Bobbi, this is gonna sting, but...

I don't enjoy watching you golf.

So, then, what do you enjoy?

I-I enjoy staying up all night

looking at pictures of sneakers.

I enjoy every odd-numbered installment

of the "Fast and the Furious" franchise.

- #JusticeForHan.
- Who's Han?

I enjoy starting sentences with "Yo."

I enjoy ending sentences with "Yo."

I enjoy quality time with my son.

And I enjoy orange slices...

yo.

That took a lot of courage.

I appreciate your honesty.

Thanks.

And sorry I didn't say this sooner.

I guess I was scared that
you wouldn't like me

if I was just myself.

- Ohh!
- Yeah.

Your instincts were right.

- Wait. What?
- Sorry.

I have no interest in the
man you just described.

Be well.

Delete the photos I sent you.

- All of them?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Dang.

And as you make your way to the polls,

which open in five minutes,

remember, I'm all you've ever known.

Thank you.

Girls, I'm shiny. Blot me.

I hope you're happy, Mother.

Getting Bunny Ears back into the race...

Oh, Rory, don't you want
to win on your own?

Not because some kid got
bribed with a scooter?

A win is a win!

Oh! Fogerty! Thank God.

Okay, I need a big idea.

I got five minutes to turn this crowd.

All right, look, all you got to do is...

is speak from the heart.

All right? Don't sell them on promises.

Sell them on yourself.

Wait. Talk about me? Of course.

It was right in front
of me the whole time.

Thank you!

Am I losing my mind,

or did you just give my
kid some decent advice?

Every now and then, it happens.

Look, uh, about Bunny Ears,

that was stupid.

I know how much the
election meant to you,

and I... just wanted to help.

Listen, I get it.

And... accidents happen.

And I may have leaned down.

Really?

Yeah, well, that's how it's always gone

when I've... thought about it.

Oh, so you've thought about kissing me?

Once or twice.

You?

Attention, Hilltop voters.

A wise and very old man

has told me to be honest about myself.

Here I go.

I, Rory Banks, love things.

My mom buys me things, and
she can buy you things, too.

- No.
- Let my mom buy you things.

Rory Banks! 2019!

Out!

Ugh!

Okay, you're definitely
chipping in for this.

Okay, so, we're just walking
into each other's houses now?

I have a very soft knock.
You just didn't hear it.

But I brought a peace offering.

Oh, my God.

Giant turkey legs?

Just like they eat at
The Winner's Feast.

Where did you find these?

At a, uh, Ren faire that
was oh so far away.

But I wanted to show
you how sorry I was.

You don't need to be sorry.

You met a girl. You liked her.

It happens.

Also, these are really heavy.

No turkey should have legs this huge.

Yeah, those are full of hormones.

I would not eat a...

- Oh.
- Too late.

Anyway...

I'm sorry, too.

I shouldn't have raged out at you.

I guess maybe I was a little jealous.

Jealous? Interesting.

You had a little taste
and you wanted more.

Take it easy. I just got used
to our hangs. That's all.

But I'm excited for you.

You deserve to be happy...

ya big weirdo.

Thank you.

So...

are you gonna tell me
who Poppy's dating?

Oh, it's not happening anymore.
They were friends.

It's... a little too complicated.

Yeah, I get that.

But seriously, who was it?

Nope. Classified information, bro.

- Please? Please?
- But you know what?

If you make me some popcorn,
maybe I'll tell you.

- I'm on it.
- And wash my car.

- Okay.
- And empty the dishwasher?

Oh, I see. You're never actually
gonna tell me, are you?

Correct. But do make the
popcorn, because...

season 4 is about to start!

- ♪ Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! ♪
- ♪ Joust! Joust! Joust! ♪

♪ Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! ♪

Ooh, a pin! Hey, guys.

- Hey!
- Hi, Miggy!

You look... comfortable.

I am! My armpits can't stop smiling!

How was the clam bake?

Did they have sweet corn?

Oh, I didn't go.

Um, turns out Bobbi's not
a fan of the real me.

I'm sorry, Miggy.

Ah, don't be.

As much as I liked Bobbi
taking care of me,

you guys do a better job
than she ever could.

Attention!

Attention, please. Thank you.

I just received a phone call
from President Bunny Ears.

She has conceded.

Now, my first order of business

is that there will be no more elections!

Bow before me!

You heard him! Bow!

Bow before your president!

Bow!

Oh, we've done something terrible.

Maybe I've been too supportive.