Single Parents (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Graham D'Amato: Hot Lunch Mentalist - full transcript

𝒯𝓇𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓁𝒶𝓉e 𝓊𝓃𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓉 E𝒩𝒢LI𝒮H

Oh, my God, you guys, I
have to tell you something.

It's huge. It is going
to blow your minds. I...

- Hi, so...
- Sorry, Miss Adams,

we're kind of in the
middle of something...

Oh, really? Because I'm in the middle

of teaching your children.

But, by all means, you go first.

- No, you go.
- Okay, Angie,

Graham signed up for the talent show

as a... am I reading this right...



a "hot lunch mentalist"?

Yeah, he can remember anything

the school cafeteria
served on any given date.

It's legitimately amazing. I
discovered it in carpool.

Yo, G...

October 5th?

10/5?

Tater tots...

and corn niblets

rounded out the tray for the
big square headliner...

corn dogs!

Nailed it.

I love dogs.

Find someone who cares, Mark.



All right, well, if you
thought that was amazing,

hold on to your hats, because you
will not believe what I'm about...

You guys, what's going on with Mark?

His wife left him, and now he's
desperate to join our group.

Anybody want to help me out?
I made too many dumplings.

Divorced dad hack... make all
your dumplings on Sunday night.

You'll thank me on Friday.

No! I won't thank you!

No one will thank you!

Dude, give Mark a break.

So he stole your pen a year ago.

- He's a nice guy.
- Yes, very nice.

- Now, my news...
- No, I'm with Douglas.

- No Mark. It's a whole thing.
- That sounds juicy.

- It's barely anything.
- Sounds even juicier.

- Okay, can we just drop it?
- That's it!

I'm just gonna tell you my news.

Mia's not my ex.

You never initialed page
89 of our divorce papers.

- What?
- This is from my lawyer.

We're technically still married.

Oh, juicy!

Read the room, Mark.

What if this is a sign that we
weren't meant to get divorced?

What if the universe is giving
our marriage a second chance?

Dude, a backslide kiss
and messed-up paperwork

doesn't mean you should
get back together.

Yeah, you split up for
good reasons, Will.

Need a reminder? Give us the list.

A difference in parenting philosophies,

she's an infuriating mix
of selfless and selfish,

and if I'm being honest,
she eats yogurt weird.

She, like, puts a big glob on a spoon

- and licks it off like ice cream.
- Ugh.

- What?
- Even took a picture

just to remind myself.

Oh, that's a stupid way to eat yogurt.

- No.
- Unh-unh.

But worst of all, she
always puts her work first.

Before me, before Sophie,
before her family.

Yeah, and has that changed?

No.

But Mia's got a hold on me.

Like, when she speaks
in a foreign language,

it's so hot.

Je voudrais trois crêpes.

Une avec le banane et du miel.

Une avec le bleuet.

Cold shower, anyone?

No.

The point is... I need help.

I need Angie.

What? Why? Why me?

'Cause you're scary.

You're like a tiny, little
mercenary in a blazer.

Mia is only here for one more day.

I need you to make sure
I sign these papers

no matter what I say or do.

Okay, but I warn you.

You are entering a cold and
unforgiving world called

tough love.

Okay. Okay, great.

Thank you so much. She is the best...

Ow! Why?

Tough love!

Now, initial that page,
and I'll mail them out.

It's not that simple.

- I have to get them notarized.
- I'm a notary.

- What? When? How?
- Stunned. I'm stunned.

I knew it, Angie. Somehow I always knew.

Hey!

Look at this poor bastard.

Don't make eye contact.

You don't like Mark? Look how
he holds that stop sign.

So cute!

Oh, it's awkward.

- Oh, that sounds juicy.
- No, it's barely anything.

Okay, enough. Just spill
the beans, damn it!

Fine. There was an encounter.

Bet you're wondering why I'm
eating dumplings in my car.

I... have a hunch.

It's because I'm divorced.

Wanna go out?

Obviously I said no.

I mean, Mark's too nice.
I don't like nice.

With nice, you're in
bed by 8:30. Mnh-mnh.

I want Pow! Boing! Crackle!

Mark's got crackle!

Okay, she's not dating him. I forbid it.

What? What's the problem? What'd I say?

- You forbid me?
- I... No.

I'm just telling you, as a friend,

you cannot do it.

Oh, you don't know anything
about black women, do you?

I don't feel like there's a
good answer to that question.

Hey!

I dropped the paperwork
off with my notary.

She's going to put it in the mail,

and we will really be divorced.

Yay!

Ya dumped.

You know, Will, um...

... I've been thinking about us.

The couple so dysfunctional,

they couldn't even get divorced right?

I've been thinking about,

you know, how much you've changed.

You're so happy and confident,

and I even detect a little
more bass in your voice.

Do you think those papers
were maybe a sign?

Look, Mia...

I've changed, too.

I know that I haven't been
there for you and Sophie,

but I want to be.

Maybe I could cut back a little at work

so that we could spend more
time together as a family,

and...

It's my mosquito-nets guy.

But I can call him back.

No. Take it.

Okay.

Salut, Manuel.

Okay!

Will, did you run here?

Did I? That's weird. Hey, Graham.

Hey, Dubs. Wanna practice?

Uh, sure.

November 7th.

Carrots and chicken nuggets.

Way to go, buddy.

Hey, did you mail those
divorce papers yet?

No, no, not yet,

but they're sealed,
stamped, ready to go.

Great, great. Can I see them, please?

Why?

Um... no reason.

Wha... Angie! Angie!
Give me the envelope!

- No!
- Angie, please!

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Angie! Angie!

- Please!
- This is for your own good!

You told me to go full D'Amato.

Think about the yogurt!

Maybe the rest of us
are eating it wrong.

And she's changed. Now
give me the envelope.

No one changes! The
envelope goes in the mail!

Good luck getting past me.

I was third-string goalie on
my sixth grade soccer team.

Check out my reflexes.

Ha!

You can't open another person's mailbox!

That's a federal offense.

Oh, is it?

Angie? Are you in my mailbox?

Back in the house, Joe.
This doesn't concern you.

Will. If you take that
envelope out of the mailbox,

you're off the grid.

You wouldn't.

The grid is for single parents.

If you're married, you surrender
all babysitting privileges

and your seat at the
table to discuss them.

- You're bluffing.
- I'm not.

So what's it gonna be?

Sorry. I'm awaiting DNA
results for my dog.

- What?!
- No!

You kicked Will off the grid?

He does five times the work
of a nanny... for free!

Relax. Will lives for the grid.

This is gonna bring him
back to his senses.

We promised to help him.

Okay, did you just kick Will off,

or did you forbid him?

- Here we go.
- Forbid?

I'm not a monster.

Okay, look. I didn't mean
"forbid," all right?

I was just trying to steer
you in the right direction.

It was like if we went to a
restaurant you didn't know,

I would order your entree.

Oh, so now you're ordering my food?

- No, I didn't mean that...
- Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna take the
shovel out of your hand

before you dig this hole any deeper.

There is a new member of the grid.

A man you all know and tolerate...

Dr. Mark Rush.

Hard no. Mark is dead weight.

Hard yes. Love me some Mark.

Hey, guys!

I brought some cookies! Baked
enough for everyone here.

Well, then you over-baked,
because it's gonna be

a cold, crisp, wintry day in hell

before I eat any of those cookies.

I'll take a cookie.

- Hi, Mark.
- Hey, Poppy.

Hey, guys. I brought...

Oh, snap. They both brought cookies.

Oh, I see.

Looks like you've really
kicked me off the grid, huh?

Yep. Peace out, Coop!

Well, I don't need to
try those gingersnaps

to know that they're perfect.

So, I guess, take care of them, Mark.

Y-You can still babysit Jack...

- off-grid!
- Call me!

You guys, stay strong.

Happy to be part of the grid.
A few things about me.

I have seven kids, ages 5 to 18,

and none of their activities overlap.

Mia?

Hey. I didn't expect to see you here.

I know. So, did Will tell you

that we're gonna give it another shot?

Yeah, that's really great.

I'm happy for you...

I have to take this. It's international.

Sure.

I can speak Spanish, too.

Uno, dos, tres...

Gracias.

Mark Consuelos...

- Who were you talking to?
- Who were you talking to?

My relief team in Oaxaca.

The visas came through,

so as of next week, I'll be in Mexico

representing dissident
human rights prisoners.

Wait, Mexico? What about Will?

Oh, yeah, Will and Sophie will come.

He'll want to keep the family together.

No, I know, but he has a life here,

friends, and a new job,

a real one where he has to put
on pants and leave the house.

He'd have to quit.

I know. I feel terrible.

And I know my tone is misleading,

but I really mean it.

But also, doesn't he just, like,

do the weather once a week at 5:00 a.m.?

Yeah, the "Five Day at Five."

It's important to him. All of this is.

You can't rip it away
without consulting him.

Well... I'm gonna talk to him.

Yeah, I mean, you definitely need to,

because you know Will.

You know he needs time to process.

I'm confused. Aren't you just,
like, his babysitting friend?

You're talking like you're his wife.

Oh, my God.

It never gets old

seeing so many people with shoes on.

Oh, great.

They found a parent to
volunteer to sit on their ass.

I'm helping. I brought Tony.

Attaboy, Tony!

Make it to five, and I'm
taking you out for branzino.

Hey, Poppy! Guess who got
put in charge of music?

I'll give you a hint. He has seven kids

and an unfurnished studio apartment.

I'm not gonna lie. That is sexy as hell.

So... you like that.

Mm-hmm. Damn right.

♪ That my life ran on too fast ♪

♪ And I had to take it slowly ♪

♪ Just to make the good part last ♪

♪ But when you're born to run ♪

♪ It's so good to just slow down ♪

What the hell?

♪ So don't be surprised to see me ♪

♪ Back in the bright part of town ♪

♪ I'll be back in the high life again ♪

♪ All the doors I closed one time ♪

♪ Will open up again ♪

♪ I'll be back in the high life again ♪

Well, damn.

It sucks without having
Will on the grid.

I miss him, too.

- I'm gonna call him.
- No, you can't!

My mom says this will only
last a few more days.

Tough love.

- I don't know.
- We have to stay strong.

You're right.

But what about you?

Will's the one calling the dates

for your hot lunch mentalist act.

I will do my act without Will Cooper.

Oh, snap.

Just erasing my life.

No biggy.

Guess what?! I got the
green light for Oaxaca.

We're going to Mexico.

- Like a trip?
- No, to live!

I'm helping human rights prisoners,

and I figured out a way for
you and Sophie to come.

That is...

a lot to process!

I know. I'm excited, too.

This is a huge opportunity for me.

Plus, we both want Sophie
to see other cultures,

and this will be a great way
for us to focus on our family

without first-world
distractions, like, you know,

movies and air conditioning
and refrigerators.

Really? I'm pro-refrigerator.

Well, they're bad for food.

I don't think that's true.

Well, it is.

Anyway, this is gonna be great!

Yes, yes, so great!

No, i-it's just that
Sophie has school here,

you know, and... and her friends,

and then there's also my new job...

They're actually talking about
putting me on at 6:00 this week.

- A.M.?
- Yeah.

I'm the morning guy.

I have a Facebook group... 16 members.

Some call it a fan page. I don't know.

But Mexico will only
be for a few months.

Plus, it means that our
family will be together.

You want that, right?

- That is what I want.
- Excellent.

Okay, I'm gonna start
making the arrangements.

Now, I forget.

Are you an extra-long
floor mat or just a long?

Oh, you're jumping
right into the details.

That's great.

I do think that when we tell Sophie,

we should do it delicately,

you know, very, very gradually.

But not too gradually.

You know, maybe we'll tell her
tonight after the talent show.

We leave in a week!

A week?!

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm just still processing
all of it, you know?

Uh, okay, seven days.

Mexico!

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Hey.

Ma'am, uh, cutting is so not allowed.

Whatever. We're both coming hot off

- federal mailbox crimes.
- Yeah.

Um, there's actually something

I want to tell you.

Mia got a job offer in Mexico.

And wants Sophie and I to go with her.

What'd you say?

I said yes.

But I don't know. Am I
doing the right thing?

I can't even imagine telling Sophie.

It's only for a few months, but still...

Will.

You should go.

- Go?
- Mm-hmm.

I thought you would
talk me out of going.

Wait, is this a trap? Are
you gonna punch me again?

No. No more tough love.

I've been way too invested in your life.

I'm just someone who helps you babysit.

- Angie...
- You're gonna do great in Mexico.

But...

Graham is really gonna miss Sophie.

Sophie will definitely miss Graham.

I'm gonna go back to my place in line.

I'm on a real roll here.
Doing all the right things.

Who are you?

You know some days you wake up

and your whole body's just tingling?

That's today.

- Are you through?
- With what?

Okay, fine. I'll say it.

I was wrong.

I told you who you could date,
and you rubbed my face in it.

As I deserved. Okay? Is
that what you want to hear?

Well, yeah, that was all right.
That must've been hard for you.

You have no idea.

And I never want to think
about that kiss again.

It's worse than the summer
I spent snapping necks

at my Uncle Eddie's chicken farm.

What?

I think I'm into Mark.

Oh, please.

Really?

But... it's Mark.

You and Mark don't make sense.

- Why not?
- Because...

... he's not your person.

♪ Hey, what do you know ♪

♪ It's time for the
Hilltop Talent Show ♪

Hey, how strict is the
Mexico time table?

Just... 'cause if we pushed it

back to summer, then
we wouldn't have to...

Well, I'm trying to get human
rights prisoners released.

They've been wrongfully
imprisoned for, like, 15 years,

so I guess another six
months wouldn't kill them.

- Mm.
- You know, unless it did.

But, you know, if I push the dates,

then I'll definitely miss
the trial in Honduras.

Honduras?

How long do you have to be in Honduras?

Well, the last case took, like, a year.

- A year?!
- Shh!

My son is trying to focus.

There could be reps in here.

We're sorry. He... He's very talented.

They'd be fools not to sign him.

Hey. Mark. Hi.

Listen, that kiss...

was crackle, right?

Mm-hmm.

So, I say...

let's do this.

Wow, Poppy.

- I can't.
- Excuse me?

The grid is life-changing.

I took a two-hour shower yesterday.

I made my own bed!

I can't risk anything that
would complicate that.

No. No. That's not the way this works.

You don't say no to me.

It's not you. It's the grid.

The grid? What? Hey!

You don't walk away from Poppy!

I forbid it!

All right, 21 Grams. You can do this.

Ladies and gentlemen, your
hot lunch mentalist...

Graham D'Amato!

Go get 'em, Graham.

I will now select a month at random.

I will now select a date at random.

April...

6th.

Ah, yes.

April... 6th.

The... hot lunch was...

Graham?

While we're still young, please.

Oh, my God, this is bad.
We're gonna have to move.

April... 6th.

He's looking for an escape route.

No. He's looking for my dad.

And what's after Honduras?

Caracas? Guyana?

Braavos? Casterly Rock?

Those last two are from
"Game of Thrones."

Mia, a few months is one thing,

but a whole year?

Sophie's happy here.

And you said you were
gonna scale back at work.

In a couple years!

I have people depending on me.

I have people depending on me, too.

These people are nice, but come on.

They aren't your family.

Dad? Dad!

Graham's flatlining.

I have to go.

What? This is important!

So are they.

April 6th...

April 6th...

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

6...

D... Just...

Work!

April 6th...

Excuse me, ladies. Mind if I jump in?

Please.

You think we want this stink on us?

Hi, buddy.

All right, April 6th... you got this.

Ain't no thing...

But a chicken wing!

On April 6th, there
was cheese... grilled.

The peas were buttered.
The fries were curly.

Add a box of milk

and a Jell-O square
with a dollop of whip.

And that, my friends, was April 6th.

Yeah!

That's my son!

Wow.

So, how is it with Mia gone?

I can tell you're using
normal deodorant again.

Yeah, it... it's good.

We had a long talk.

And I'll always love her, but
we just don't work together,

and I think we needed
to rediscover that.

I'm glad you're staying.

When I said Sophie would miss Graham,

I meant that I would miss you.

And when I said Graham
was gonna miss Sophie,

I meant...

Graham would really miss Sophie.

- I meant that, too.
- Too late. You already said it.

- No, I take it back.
- You already said it!

No, well, I... you're just a
babysitting pal, and that's...

- You were gonna miss me!
- We'll never know,

- 'cause I stayed, so I can't miss you.
- You were gonna miss me!

Announcement! Mark... off the grid.

- Ah, yes!
- And this guy's back in!

- Hey!
- Back in!

- My man.
- Yes, very excited to be back,

but now we can finally address

the real bombshell of the week.

Angie is a notary?!

- Yes! Come on!
- Okay, we will do this once.

I'll answer all of your
notary questions. Go.

- What's the mayor like?
- Can you get me out of jury duty?

Do you have a partner? Show me your gun.

You guys really don't know
what a notary is, do you?

What?! Nah.

Wait, where's Poppy?

Mark.

You're off the grid.

I am?! Dang it!

But wait... does that mean... ?

Get in the car.