Single Parents (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - All Aboard the Two-Parent Struggle Bus - full transcript

It is time for the Eighth Annual

Sophie Nairobi Cooper
"Explosion of Riddles"

Birthday Scavenger Hunt!

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪

Did you just double-blindfold me

- to walk me from my room to here?
- Correct.

I already told you what I wanted
for my birthday this year.

Wrong. You're not getting
your ears pierced

- until you're 11.
- If I can't get my ears pierced,

- I'd love a non-babyish birthday...
- Mm-hmm.

...like maybe an intimate
luncheon with friends,



like Sir Bridger and Lady Agnes'
Boxing Day party.

I've been trying to get through
this "Sir Bridger" series

for, like, months now,
'cause there's 40 seasons,

and every season is three episodes,

and every episode's four hours long.

And the only way to see it
is to donate $300 to PBS.

Well, I promise you will get the
old British lady birthday party

of your dreams
after you solve... this clue.

♪

"It's your birthday
and the fun won't stop.

To get the next clue, you must... pop!"

♪

[Doorbell rings]

Oooh!



Diversion, or a clue?

Uh, not part of the hunt.

♪

- Mom?!
- Happy birthday, baby!

Best scavenger hunt ever!

Not part of the hunt.

[Chuckles]

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪

She's here.

She's here! She's here! She's here!

Is that... Oh, my God. It's happening.

We're meeting Will's ex-wife.

- Oh, my God.
- Impressive.

It's Big Ol' Sophie!

Do I call her "Mrs. Cooper" or "Mom"?

Hey, guys, this is my...
this... Sophie's mom, Mia.

Hello. It's so wonderful
to meet all of you.

I've heard so much about you
from Sophie.

You must be Douglas.
What a wonderful face.

And Miggy... so wise beneath that hat.

Poppy, I feel very close to you.

- Oh.
- And, Angie, wow,

I pictured you taller, but, you know,

I feel so connected to all of you,

and I hope that you'll feel
connected to me, too.

This world can be such a hard place,

which is why it's so important

that we seek out love and hold
onto it when we find it.

Don't you think?

Oh. Wow.

Never leave us.

WILL: You know, this has been fun,
but you should probably get

- into Sophie's classroom before she...
- Oh, you know what?

- I have gifts for all of you.
- Okay.

After I won a case restricting
slash-and-burn agriculture

in Ghana, I was thanked
with these sculptures.

I started thinking of these
little guys as my companions.

I now give my old friends
to my new friends.

- I feel like I'm crying.
- Get a hold of yourself.

You know, I should go check out
Sophie's classroom.

- I just said that.
- It'll be so nice to see one

that I didn't have to build by hand.

- [Both chuckle]
- It's a good classroom.

You'll enjoy it. Sophie will
love having you in there.

Okay, so your ex-wife is,
like, a really good person.

- Yeah, she's incredible.
- She's better than Ariana Grande.

- Solid seven.
- I know. She's unbelievable.

- And she's driving me crazy.
- Oof.

Co-parenting.

Two people trying to walk
the same dog with one leash.

And I'm sorry for calling your
daughter a dog in that metaphor,

- but you get it.
- I forgive you.

You know what you need?
Girls' night at Angie's.

- Right, Poppy?
- Oh, yeah.

When I was in the thick of it with Ron,

Angie threw a girls' night
that saved my life.

- Aww.
- You know, I'm always curious to know

what goes on during
these "girls' nights."

What do you do, like, eat yogurt
and tickle each other?

- Mm-hmm, yeah, that's exactly what we do.
- ANGIE: Yeah. That's right.

MIGGY: Come on, man.

So, your mom's in town?

- How are you holding up?
- Great.

- I love when she's here.
- Okay.

Well, if you need any advice
about how to handle

the two-parent struggle, let me know.

I get so full from
back-to-back Thanksgivings

that I've been driven
to drawstring pants.

It's not like I want my parents
to get back together or anything.

I don't even have any memories
of them being together.

For real? Not even one?

Actually, I remember once
when we went to a pizza place

and we some took photos in one
of those old-timey photo booths.

It was so fun.

Did you know that photos
could be on paper?

- What?
- It's insane.

[Door opens]

Dropping off.

Emma and Amy are in your front yard

throwing rocks at each other.

Have a nice time.

Wait a second.
Is this what I think it is?

Yep, I'm giving away my stuff.

Yeah. Sophie's mom
did a real number on him.

She's doing so much for the world.

And what am I doing?

Actually, I did make a sequel
to my music video

and it came out pretty dope. [Laughs]

"Mystery Señorita: Sexy Christmas."

I held a boom for nine hours.

Listen. I have a policy
that's served me well...

never give away anything unless
you're getting something back.

The only reason I clothe
and feed Emma and Amy

is so they'll put me in a home
with a decent pool.

The man didn't get where he is
by giving bad advice.

- Word.
- Nobody likes a kiss ass.

Not in the head, Amy!

- [Door closes]
- I still can't shake this feeling, G.

- I have more stuff than I need.
- Yeah. You're just one guy.

And that's a buttload of orange soda.

You're right. The soda goes in the box!

[Sighs, exhales sharply]

Dude, that felt good. Try it.

Okay, pencil case.

Our time together has come to an end.

Mm.

- Giving feels good!
- Yeah.

It's like putting on socks
that just came out of the dryer.

Hella toasty. Let's go even harder.

Let's give away stuff
we really care about.

I'm gonna give Mr. Roar
to Sophie for her birthday.

Whoa. Okay. I see your Mr. Roar,

and I raise you
my most prized possession.

- [Gasps]
- My Nike Air Max 90 Corks.

I love these so much,
I got adult baptized in them.

But they're going in!

- We're really good people!
- We really are!

Let's go donate them now before
we change our minds.

I'm gonna go put on
some less dope shoes.

Excellent idea. Charity.

[Both grunt]

- Well, that's done.
- Yep.

The joy of giving lasted five seconds!

What have we done?!

Hey, Mom said I could open
a present a day early.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

- No way.
- What's wrong? Is the knife too big?

- [Knife clatters]
- I'm sorry, it's just,

I've seen a 2-year-old

- use a bigger one than that.
- Oh, uh, Sophie, I just remembered.

I think there's a bonus
birthday clue in the kitchen.

Why don't you go try to find it, okay?

I'll fall for that,
but only because I love you.

Hey, look, I'm glad

that you and Sophie are getting
all this time together,

but I have rules for a reason.

What is the reason?

Without rules,
social order falls into chaos.

You used to be, like, a lot more fun.

I mean, what happened to the guy

who took me on a road trip to Oklahoma

so that I could "taste tornado rain"?

Not many people can say they've had...

danger on their tongue.

What is that?

You know you're having
birthday cake tomorrow.

- Mom said I could.
- Okay. Well. FYI...

Sophie has crazy reactions
when she has too much sugar.

I won't even tell you what
happened at Halloween 2015,

but let's just say we are not
invited back to that corn maze.

There's a shortcut if you just
run straight through the corn.

MIA: I think we should let her have it.

If a child in one of the most
developed nations in the world

has a little extra ice cream,
it's probably okay.

- Right, Sophie-Bear?
- Right. Mmmm.

Good call on putting an extra layer

of gummy worms on the bottom.

So sour! So wormy!

♪

I need a girls' night.

Get in here, bitch.

- [Rock music plays]
- Welcome to girls' night!

- This is girls' night?
- It is now.

You can take the tape off when...

Angie, you don't have to explain

- Edward 40-Hands to me.
- [Tape rips]

I went to college in South Florida.

Poppy, I'm a little shocked
that this is your scene.

Hey, this is how D'Amato likes it.

- So, Mia's driving you crazy, huh?
- Oof.

Oh, yeah, why did you two
split up, anyway?

- Was it your affinity for Dave Matthews?
- [Tape rips]

Ooh, I bet you're really
annoying on vacation, huh?

No. No, it's just,
we've changed, you know?

When Mia and I first got together,

we were always on the go,
and then when we had Sophie,

I wanted to put down roots
and Mia did not.

She hung around for a couple years,

but I-I could see
the life-force in her draining.

Like a fly on the second day.

Okay, is that true? I guess
I don't know that much about flies.

- Girls' night.
- Mia was miserable.

We would fight nonstop,
and then we split.

And now every time I see her
face, all I want to do is yell,

"Give me back my 20s!"

Okay, here's the deal.

You have to take all the emotion

out of your interactions with Mia.

The two of you
are now running a business...

Sophie, Incorporated.

But how am I supposed to take
emotion out of a relationship

where I have so much history?

I mean, I saw Sophie
come out of her body.

And we're gonna circle back to that.

- [Groans]
- Look, from now on,

you are going to only deal with Mia

on Sophie-related business.

And when you do, you are
going to be cool, professional.

Like Customer Service.

"Yes, ma'am. Just a moment.

Please hold while I dial that extension.

Para español, número dos."

And then all that crazy stuff
that you want to say to Mia,

say to me instead. C'mon, let's try it.

You want me to yell at you like
you're Mia.

Yes! It worked wonders for Poppy

when she was going through
ex hell with Ron. Right, Pops?

She does a shockingly good
Ron impression.

Sometimes I call her
just to hear him apologize.

Okay, um, sure.

- Lead me in.
- I'm Mia.

I'm a really good person!

I'm like if Gwyneth Paltrow
had a baby with Gwyneth Paltrow!

- Hummus!
- [Chuckles]

Um, you need to respect
my parenting choices.

- I lead a tight ship for a reason.
- More. More.

I love-hate you so hard.

And I have a fantasy of you tripping

in front of a large group of people

and all of them pointing
and laughing at you.

Oh, you go deep fast.

- [Vivaldi's "Spring" playing]
- [Children laughing]

♪

[Sighs]

♪

- Oh, my gosh!
- I know that look.

You two dummies did
something good, didn't you?

You gotta help us
get our stuff back, man.

You're, like, the closest thing
we have to Liam Neeson.

Okay, I'm not gonna come to your rescue,

but what I am gonna do
is teach you a life lesson here,

since, emotionally,
you're both 7 years old.

- Great burn.
- Bro!

Ask for your things back.

Don't take no for an answer. Remember...

you did something nice,
but it was a stupid accident.

Isn't asking for something back
against the rules?

You make the rules, you understand?

♪

Oh, so you're Sophie's
friend that's not us.

You look like a book person.

Here you go, Sophie-Bear.

Ooooh, Clotted Creamos!
[Singsong voice] My fave!

[Normal voice] Mom let me go
all out in a UK import store.

Whoa, candy before the first course?

All aboard the two-parent struggle bus.

A-woo woo!

Listen, if you need my help, just...

[Muffled] I'm fine! Everything's fine!

[Children laughing]

- You already put the candy out?
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just... I don't really
believe in courses.

- I think food should be served
- [Inhales deeply]

when you have it.

[Monotone voice] Thank you
for your feedback, ma'am.

- What?
- I'll be in touch.

Please hold.

GIRL: Oh, hand me one of those.

- Hey.
- [Normal voice] I need to talk to Mia.

- Weren't you just...
- The you-version,

- not the real one.
- Oh, yeah!

Okay, go ahead.

"Hi, I'm Mia, and I definitely
voted for Jill Stein."

Mia, the last time you were in town,

you told Sophie that her bedtime
depended on "circadian rhythms"

before you bolted to Cuba
to represent artist protestors.

But do you know who really
deserves the protest?

It's you, Mia. It's you.

Damn, Will.

Oh, I am not done. Another thing...

So, um... about Mr. Roar... hoo boy...

Why does my mouth taste like pennies?

Aw, geez... so...

Spit it out, Graham.

I need him back!

I'm so sorry.

I'll give you something else.

Can I interest you in a thousand hugs?

No need. Here.

Not the manners I was hoping for
at this luncheon,

but it's fine.

[Sniffs, sighs]

♪

- I feel gutted.
- Eh, you'll get over it.

All right, Miggy, you're up.

What did you do with those sneakers?

What charity saw you coming
from a mile away?

Sisters of Mercy.

Ah, the nuns. Every last one
of them just out for a buck.

- Okay, off you go.
- Okay.

♪

Hey, have you seen Angie?

Mia just said she wanted to
get Sophie "off shoes,"

and I need to dump it, fast.

Yeah... Okay, can I ask you?

Is Angie's advice about Mia working?

No, not really.

But maybe I'm just bad at role-playing.

- I mean, it's been said before.
- Nope.

[Whispering]
It's because Angie doesn't know

what the hell she's talking about.

- What?
- Look, I love that woman,

but I make it a point to
never take advice from someone

who buys their underwear at CVS.

I mean, I just go along with it
because it makes her feel good.

In fact, that famous girls' night,

- after talking to "Ron" for so long...
- Mm-hmm.

...I left her house and
booty-called the real thing!

- Poppy!
- Excuse me, grown-ups?

We need to sing "Happy Birthday"
to Sophie ASAP.

She's a woman on the brink.

- Louder! Faster!
- TOGETHER: ♪ Happy birthday ♪

- More British!
- ♪ Dear Sophie ♪

- [Sophie clapping, laughing maniacally]
- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[Applause]

- Whoo!
- What the what?!

- Earrings?!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm here. You don't need to freak out.

Angie, your advice doesn't work,
and Poppy agrees with me.

That "amazing girls' night" you had?

After she left your place,

- she went and she boinked Ron.
- [Gasps]

Now, if you'll excuse me,

an atrocity has been committed
at Claire's.

Wow. Really, dude?

Okay, "boinked" makes it sound
less romantic than it was.

Why is there a non-biological
hole in my daughter's ear?

- It's a rite of passage in many cultures...
- [Scoffs]

...including where I'm from...
Central New Jersey.

I can't take it anymore!
You pump Sophie full of sugar.

You pierce her ears without
asking my permission.

You can't just show up here
and undermine everything I do.

Maybe globally, what I do
is not that important.

But in this house, it is.

And this is my house!
You're in my house!

And so is your dumb box of mail!

Your subscription to ELLE magazine

is no longer of use to me!

And who gets that many
yoga mat catalogs?

You don't even live here! [Grunts]

You try unsubscribing
to L.L.Bean from Ghana!

[Grunting]

Whoa, shockingly good form.
You all right?

Yeah. I'm just stressed.

I'm really sorry I outed you.

It's all right.
Just put flowers on my grave.

- [Chuckles]
- The last time Angie was mad at me,

she told me her Uncle Joey D'Amato

was "connected."

- Well, that's terrifying.
- Yeah.

Hey, what are you lil' girls doing?

You... You having a sleepover
and giving each other advice

because apparently mine doesn't work?

Look, Ange, it's not
your fault, all right?

Will and I, we still
have to deal with our exes,

but you don't.

So that means I can't give advice?

- You nailed it.
- [Scoffs] You know what?

- I am just as...
- Yay!

- It's my birthday!
- Sophie?

- What is she doing?
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Sophie? Sophie-Bear, come back to me.
- I'm eight!

- You're scaring Mommy.
- Oof, the Creamos got her.

- What's going on?
- Sophie is reacting to sugar

in a way that I do not understand,
and I don't know what to do.

- It's okay, everybody.
- It's my birthday!

I know it is, honey! I know.

Mia, I need a glass of water.
Rory, get me a dry English muffin.

- Got it.
- Sophie, we're gonna count to 10

in Japanese, okay?

[Both] Ichi, ni, san, shi,

go, roku,

shichi, hachi, kyuu, juu.

Very good. We're gonna get off
the table now. That's not safe.

All right, everybody. We're all better.

You guys finish your cake,
and then we'll play

"Pin the Ruff on the Beefeater."

♪

[Water splashes, glass thuds]

- Thank you, Will.
- Of course.

No, seriously, thank you.
I had no idea what to do.

I mean, the first thing
that came to mind was,

- "Do I change her diaper?"
- [Chuckles]

It's just every time I see her,

I feel like she's become
this whole new person

that I have to get to know,
like, all over again.

Yeah, I sometimes feel that
between lunch and dinner.

You know, I hate

that I make you feel like
what you do isn't important.

I get to swoop in and be this fun mom.

Meanwhile, you're with her every day,

making rules and...
and washing her hair.

Thank you. I don't say that enough.

Well, you did send that e-mail

that said "You da best!" last week.

But thanks, I appreciate it.

Attention, parents, I'd like
to make an announcement...

I thought I could handle that
amount of sugar, but I cannot.

Things were said, and I apologize.

- You're forgiven.
- It's my fault.

Look, I love having two parents,

but sometimes it's hard on me,

and I wish we had more memories
of the three of us.

Because we are family,
even if we don't live together.

Oh, honey, of course we are.

I love you.

♪

Hey, um, does someone
need to drive her home?

Louisa. Why are you so quiet?

I'm more of a listener.

♪

[Cellphone vibrates]

- Who dis?
- It's Douglas.

What happened with the nuns?

My buddy Dwayne bought my kicks.

He saw my Insta story

about what a good person
I am for donating them.

Okay, real men don't have "buddies."

Okay, now go be a man
and get your shoes back.

I tried, but I ended up giving
him the pair I was wearing

and a baggie of Goldfish
I had in my pocket.

That's it. I'm coming down there.

I'll text you the address.

No, no, no. No. No texting.

Form the words in your head,
drop them to the mouth,

and shout 'em out into the world

like a normal friggin' human being.

Can you repeat that? It was a lot.

♪

Ange? You up for a girls' night?

I got gas station caffeine pills.

Are you still mad at me?

No, I'm not mad-mad. It's just...

why didn't you tell me about Ron?

You're a very scary woman.

Plus, I didn't want you to think
I was still a mess

after all those nights
I spent on your couch.

You're the strongest person I know.

Thanks. It's just...

even though I never had a husband,

I like to be the person
you come to with that stuff.

And you always will be,
whether I listen to you or not.

That's why we have girls' night.

- [Straining] Mm, I love you.
- I love you.

[Both chuckle]

Okay, so... how was it with Ron?

Girl, I've been waiting
three years to tell you.

It was as good as it could be
in a parked car

outside of his girlfriend's house.

- I'm gonna get the beer funnel.
- Please.

I've only waited in line once...

December 1, 1974.

Bills-Colts tickets.

It was so cold,
my sister Donna lost a toe.

May she rest in peace.

- Okay, so which one is Dwayne?
- Hold up.

I don't think you know what
you're getting into with Dwayne.

The guy's an evil genius.

You know, like Elon Musk or Kickeeboy.

Who's Kickeeboy?

- Oh, that guy eating a snow cone.
- Ah.

I think I can handle it.

Hey, I hear you got
my friend's tennis shoes,

so why don't you just give them back?

Oh, are you one of those
old parent people

Miggy hangs out with now?

I'm Dr. Douglas Fogerty,
and this conversation

has already gone on longer
than I care for,

so why don't you just give me the shoes.

Nah. These are Nike Air Max
90 Corks, man!

The most coveted pair of shoes

in all of Pennsyl-Dwaynia.

Keeping 'em.

A man only needs four pairs of shoes...

dress loafers, deck shoes,

sturdy topsiders, and golf spikes.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna give you

what you paid for the shoes,

and I'm gonna kick in an extra Andrew.

Honestly, man, it's not even
about the Corks.

It's about Miggy. These kicks remind me

of the old days
with that dude... skateboarding,

him helping me write
flirty texts to Gina,

him helping me write
breakup texts to Gina.

Doesn't seem like
it went great with Gina.

Miggy and I had the best times.

Waiting in line for Yeezys,

before Kanye made them
hella problematic.

Going to the dog park,

then getting kicked out
for not having a dog.

Before he got busy with dad
world, Miggy was there for me.

In line, in life.

But now, he's giving all that
solid gold friendship to you

and I got squat.

You're so lucky, man.

♪

Peekaboo!

Yeah, he's a good egg.

So, those slippers Gucci?

♪

Yo, no one's ever
stood up for me before.

So, how'd it... Damn!

You got Dwayne'd.

Yo! See you soon, Miggy!

Ma looks like Dwayne
got everything from you.

And I know you just hate that,

giving without getting anything back.

It was a fair trade.

- [Glass shatters]
- Glass.

That was a shard of glass.

- Oh, no.
- Yeah.

♪

All right, so let's rehearse.
I'm pitching double peace signs,

devil horns, and then,
if there's time, upside down?

[Camera shutter clicking]

- Those are gonna be awesome.
- [Mia laughing]

I'm gonna go grab us
some mozzarella sticks.

If it's okay with both
my parents, of course.

Well, it's still your birthday,

and you're not in a coma yet,

so I say go for it.

Hey, should we do one

just the two of us?
You know, for Sophie.

She doesn't have a ton
of photos of us together.

I mean, everyone has a camera
in their pocket, but sure.

I'll pay $3 to sit in a closet.

[Both laugh]

♪ I keep digging through
our waste of time ♪

- [Camera shutter clicking]
- ♪ But the picture's incomplete ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm missing you ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com