Single Drunk Female (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Higher Parent - full transcript

- Samantha Fink, come on up.
- (cheering)

SAMANTHA:
You guys really love your cakes.

Happy one year sober.

- Yes! You did it!
- (whoops)

(laughs)

Oh, man. (Clears throat)
Uh, hi,

I'm Samantha
and I'm an alcoholic.

- ALL: How did you do it?
- (Samantha laughs)

I will try to keep this brief.

Olivia...
(chuckles)

Thank you for taking me
through, uh, most of the steps.



I know that I'm one of your
more annoying sponsees,

but you very rarely
let that show,

and I really appreciate it.

Mindy, thank you for being
the greatest boss I've ever had,

and-and by that I mean
thank you for not firing me.

Felicia, thank you
for not giving up on me,

even though
you definitely should have.

And James, hey.

Thanks for the support
and the jogging

and the camaraderie,
and the, um...

boundaries.

And, yeah, to the rest of my
sober and non-sober posse,

you guys are the best trudging
buddies a girl could ask for.

And, um, I just wish
my dad could be here,



'cause he-he never
got to see me sober, you know.

I mean, he did when I was a kid.

I-I wasn't drinking
when I was four.

Even though I think I would
have been really good at it.

Uh, yeah, I just wish
he could see this.

Anyway, uh, yeah, that's it.

I love you guys.
I love this room.

Thank you so much.
Okay.

- (cheering)
- You did it.

So great.

FELICIA:
I'm so proud of you.

SAMANTHA:
Oh...

- ALL: Mm...
- Yeah, that's nice.

FELICIA:
Me too.

OLIVIA:
We get it.

(indistinct chatter)

- "Thanks for the boundaries?"
- Yeah,

- that was the safe-for-work version.
- Mm.

[♪ ♪]

*SINGLE DRUNK FEMALE*
Season 01 Episode 09

Episode Title: "Higher Parent"
Aired on: March 10, 2022.

- My place? Your place?
- Um...

I live with my mom, so...

Okay, so, my place.
Yeah.

♪ I can make
the crowd go crazy ♪

♪ Make the crowd go crazy ♪

♪ Walkin' like you
about to get paid, yeah... ♪

Wow.
Okay, jogging works.

♪ Go crazy ♪

♪ Make the crowd go crazy. ♪

JOEL:
All right, stop right here.

Drop your hand.

Open your eyes.

Surprise.

What's the surprise?

(English accent): Oh, my God,
did you want to have some

Outlander -style field sex,
Jamie?

-Yes, absolutely. Um, okay,
-(laughs)

But first, I need you
to walk around, all right?

(regular accent): All right.

So, s-start here
and walk forward.

Open your mind. What do you see?

BRIT: Land.

- Okay.
- Trees.

Sure.

- Dead leaves.
- Okay, keep going.

Um... a fire hazard.

Do you, um...

- Do you see a house?
- (chuckles)

What, Joel, did you buy this?
'Cause, no, I don't see a house.

- I bought it.
- You bought it?

I bought it, yeah.
It was such a good deal.

'Cause I was
looking at houses online,

but, you know... expensive, so...

Yeah, more expensive than
places without houses. Um...

Yeah, but then I heard about
this lot

and I remembered,
"Um, oh, yeah, I build houses."

So why not just build our house?

Two-story, Cape Cod style,
four bedrooms, two baths,

- for the kids.
- We don't have kids.

Yeah, but I mean, we...

- like, we talked about it.
- Yeah.

Like, we talked about
building a house,

but it was just conversation.

I mean, I w-I want kids, but...

years from now.

Yeah, or we have them sooner.

'Cause what-what's stopping us...
No space, right?

Well, that and the fact
that we don't know

what our next five years
looks like. I mean, what if...

what if we want to leave Malden
after my residency?

What if I get
that fellowship at UCLA?

What fellowship at UCLA?

I applied
to a fellowship at UCLA.

And you didn't tell me?

Well, I was gonna tell you
if I got in.

I mean, you didn't tell me
that you bought empty land.

I-I thought you'd, like,
cry with happiness.

Like on Extreme Home Makeover,

- when they move the bus.
- When they move the bus

there's a new house,
not a field of...

nothing.

Can you use your imagination
for a second?

All right?
Look.

You know, open your mind.

What do you see now?

Where you going?

I got a breakfast meeting.
VCs are in town,

they want to talk about
a Series A funding round.

No.

What about my
Series A funding round?

- Nope. That didn't work.
- No.

- I'm tired.
- Yeah, I know.

(kissing)

You can chill here if you want.
You don't have to leave.

Oh, okay,
I'll stay in bed for another

four hours, then rifle through
your sock drawer.

Oh, my God,
if you find my passport,

- please let me know.
- (chuckles) Okay.

Fine.

But you're not skipping town
without me.

- Yeah. I'll give you plenty of warning.
- Thank you.

You okay?

Yeah.
No, I'm fine.

I'm great.
This was great.

I'm just, uh, a little
distracted with work.

It was really fun.

Yeah.

Maybe...

epic?

I'm glad we waited.

Me too.

- Ugh, gross. I was joking.
- Oh.

Get out of here.

I...

SAMANTHA:
Stupid dimples.

Don't smile at me, just leave.

Hey. Turns out
you don't need as much cake

when you're having
tons of sex.

CHILD:
You're my best friend.

What's that?

This is a duck and a puppy
who are best friends.

- Okay.
- Oh. Sorry.

It's the estrogen.

I'm on massive amounts
of this stuff for IVF.

Well, they should warn you
that earnestness

- is a serious side effect.
- Yeah. They should.

I would have loved to know that
before I cried on air today.

Believe me, I do not care about
overcrowding at fish farms.

(scoffs)

Although those fish
are really...

- they're really jammed in there.
- Okay,

I-I thought Stephanie
was the one doing the hormones.

Yeah, she did the egg retrieval.

But I'm up next.
Her eggs, my womb.

Wait.
(laughs)

Olivia, you're gonna
have another baby?

Oh, my God.
Well, I mean, obviously,

I count myself as your first.

I'm way too young to be your
mother. Never say that again.

Okay.

Okay, this is my favorite part.

You're a year sober.
We get to talk about

how far you've come,
how fun the party was

- (laughs)
- and why Carol wasn't there.

Oh, I didn't invite her.

Okay.

Come on, she doesn't get
any of this stuff.

She's always saying it reminds
her of Wild Wild Country.

Maybe she doesn't understand it

because you haven't
made her a part of it yet.

Have you written
your amends to her?

I did a draft.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

Just list all of the ways
in which

you've done her harm
and synthesize it

into a nice, bite-sized piece
that she can swallow.

Right, totally.
I'll just, um...

fit 13 years of being
a total asshole into 30 minutes.

- Talk fast.
- (short chuckle)

Hi.

Hey.

Do you have a few minutes
to talk, Mom?

Sure.

What is it?

I, um...

Sorry, this feels weird.
Uh...

You seem tense.

- (exhales)
- So,

this is feeling like
it's turning into a thing,

and I'm not emotionally prepared
for a thing right now.

- Right.
- I'm in the grading zone, so

why don't we schedule it?

You want to...
schedule a time to talk?

Let's go for a drive
this afternoon.

Yeah, all right.

I do like when we both
stare straight ahead, so...

All right, we're gonna
buzz the sides. And then,

- you know, we can do j...
- (knocking) - Hey.

Oh.

Hey.

Did you come here
on purpose?

Yeah.
Oh, h... hey, girl.

- Hi. Hi. (Laughs)
- Hey.

I came here to talk to you.

- Why? Is Sam okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, she's-she's awesome.

I mean... Wow, this is great.
You are...

- Wow, you look so great...
- Okay, cut the crap.

What is really going on?

Okay, so, I don't really
know how to say this, but, um...

do you know anyone
or any place, um...

(chuckles)

(whispering): Do you know
where I can get some... drugs?

- Drugs?!
- Shh! Shh, shh, shh.

(chuckles)
Wow.

Little Miss Perfect
asking me for drugs...

Never thought I'd see the day.
Aren't you getting married,

- like, any day now?
- Yes.

I am.
Uh, thank you for remembering.

You know, that's actually, um...

that's actually why
I want the drugs. You know?

I just... I read a million
studies about it,

and-and it just...
it helps people get some...

clarity on some stuff.

Well, not, like,
a million studies...

It's not, like,
in the med books or anything,

it's just, you know, I...
Reddit.

Reddit's really reliable
these days, I mean, right?

Um... can you help me or not?

Why would I help you?

I don't know.
Uh...

I thought you might
know somebody.

You know? I-I remember
that-that party

in high school...
You know, Darius' party...

- You-You had... weed.
- Oh, so you thought

because I had weed
at a party in high school

I now know a bunch
of drug dealers and shamans?

- Y-Yes, I did. I did.
- Wow.

I'm a mother and a volunteer
member of the PTA.

I own a condo,
I have condo fees,

that I pay on time.
I even recycle,

I separate the bottles by color,

just like the state
of Massachusetts requires.

Okay, I know. Wow, that's
really responsible of you.

- Thank you.
- I know. I know

you're not
that person, my God. I...

I know that.
It's just...

Okay.

- I'm sorry. I'm gonna...
- Oh, my God.

Yes, of course
I have a drug dealer, dummy.

And it is the same one
from high school.

They give me a discount
if I bring a new customer, so...

let's ride 'em, cowgirl.

- [♪ ♪]
- (indistinct chatter)

RONNIE:
What you having?

Uh, do you have any IPAs?

I got you.

Crap.

(quietly): IPA's the dark one?
I always forget.

Uh... (clears throat)
could I change that to...

It's... That's actually perf...

it's perfect. This is fine.
Thank you so much.

- You want to start a tab?
- Uh, yeah.

Thanks.

Oh, sorry.
Think I'm on your jacket.

Bitter.

So, what happens
when he gets here?

You know,
How do-how does he know it's us?

Again: Known him
since high school.

Also, he is a she.

Thought you were a feminist.
Women can be drug dealers, too.

No, of course they can.
Right.

Oh, there she is!

You ready, Goody Two-Shoes?

- Val.
- (chuckles): Hey.

Hey. Wow.

Look at you cute girls.

This is my friend Brit,
she's interested in purchasing

- some merchandise from you.
- Hi.

- I'm Brit.
- I'm so, so very

excited for the merchandising.

Okay. Well...

uh, what are you
in the mood for? We have got...

Katy, Kat,

uh, Miss Emma, Lucy, Molly,

- Captain Cody.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, Sad Vince, Little Diane.

Although go easy on that,
because... (vocalizes)

Well, I'm just
looking for something

that's plant-based, organic,

locally-sourced, if possible.

What, like... lettuce?

- She's looking for hallucinogens.
- Oh.

- (Felicia and Val chuckle)
- Let me just ask you...

These-these aren't laced, right?
'Cause I just

don't want to end up
passed out, drooling

or jump off a bridge

'cause I think I'm riding
a unicorn, you know?

Like the stuff that kills teens
on 60 Minutes. It's...

So, to be clear,
your question is

are the drugs laced with drugs?

Why would I do that?

It would just
cost me more money.

- I heard it.
- How much do we owe you?

$50. Venmo.

Hit it up. It's, uh,
#PotteryVal.

I also sell ceramics on Etsy.

- It's my passion.
- FELICIA: She's great.

But drugs is where the money is.

- Mm.
- Here you go.

Right.
(exhales) Um...

I've just never done
anything like this before.

Oh, no, it's gonna be just fine.

You do have a sober person
monitoring you, right?

I don't want you to
freak the hell out. (Chuckles)

[♪ ♪]

Don't look at me. I can't wait
to freak the hell out.

- (laughs)
- That's right.

What's even worse
is she doesn't yell,

she just gets disappointed.

What am I even supposed
to do with that, you know?

You're kidding me.
I ordered another IPA?

- You did.
- Damn it. I...

I wanted a lager.
Uh...

All right, will you-will you
just remember that for next time?

RONNIE (laughs):
Yeah.

Do you want this?

Yeah. Sure, dude,
I'll drink anything.

Cool.

[♪ ♪]

- That's efficient.
- Mm.

So, Mom, I...
I just...

I really don't want to
put this off anymore, so, I...

- I've been trying to...
- Honey, I want to hear

what you have to say,

but I'm getting something.

Okay.
You brought Dad?

I knew if I told you
we were sprinkling his ashes

you wouldn't come.

Correct.

Mom, there's, like,
laws against this.

You need, like, a permit,

and you have to ask
way in advance...

[♪ ♪]

(both sigh)

- Okay. Let's do it.
- Wait, wait, wait,

Mom.
Hold on a second, it's...

it's not toxic waste,
it's Dad, okay?

If we're actually
gonna do this we should, like,

at least say
something first, right?

- Say something.
- Okay.

Dad...

you were my best friend.

- And...
- And you were my best friend.

You were our best friend.

And you, uh,
you loved this place,

you loved Motown, um...

you taught me how to play piano.

You told me not to play the
cello 'cause I was bad at it.

And, um...

You know, you knew me
better than anybody.

You definitely knew I was
an alcoholic before I did.

I'm sorry for a lot of stuff
and I miss you a lot.

And I miss you, too.

- We miss you.
- We miss you. Okay.

Oh, just going
right in for it, huh?

- Goodbye, darling.
- Oh.

- Oh! Oh...
- Go. Go.

Throw it in.
In the water.

- Bye, Dad.
- Throw it in.

- Uh, it's in. Oh, God.
- Bye, dear.

Oh, my God, this is a lot.

- Is it always this much?
- He was very tall.

- No, he wasn't.
- He was.

CAROL:
All right, that's enough.

Let's go. Goodbye.
Just say goodbye.

- Goodbye, Dad.
- Goodbye.

SAMANTHA: How is it so much?

You know, I'm sure Dad

is very proud of you.

Thanks.

Okay, Mom, I really do need
to tell you something.

Well, some things.

I'm sorry that I didn't
show up for Thanksgiving

after Dad died.
And I'm sorry

that I made such a
scene at his shiva, and I...

No.

His family deserved that.

Though you were a little
dramatic, even for you.

Okay, can you, um, can you
not let me off the hook,

'cause part of the whole thing
is taking responsibility.

- Right. Sorry. Go ahead.
- Okay.

Um, I'm sorry that
I used his diagnosis

as an excuse to drink more.

I-I put him on a pedestal,
you know? I...

made him the higher parent
and you the evil witch.

I even tried to blame you
for him getting sick,

- which is completely unfair.
- Okay, no.

Mm.
Time for me to come clean.

Uh...

I know there were
years of your life

when I wasn't present.

There are years
that are just foggy.

I know I said and did
things that I...

honestly can't... remember.

But, knowing me,
I'm sure they weren't great.

Okay, are you
apologizing to me?

I'm taking some blame.

No, no, no, but
it's my blame, like, I...

I have to take the
blame. This is my moment.

Okay.

You have some, I get some.
Don't be a blame hog.

And I'm so grateful

for this Samantha.

(exhales)

I just want to...

freeze her in time
and hold on to her

for as long as I can.

Thanks.

And, while we're getting things
off our chest...

Bob's moving in.

Wow.

But you can stay if you like.

You always have a room.

I would like it if you stayed.

Thank you.

But it's time, right?

I got to get my own place.

- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.

'Cause you're
finally having sex.

- How do you know that?
- (scoffs) Small town.

Hey, when are we gonna
start to feel something?

Oh, you are already
flying, baby.

Yeah, I am.

- Thank you so much for this.
- Mm.

Oh, my God.

You look like an outline
on a green screen, but, like,

you have your normal background.

Oh, my God.
Totally.

VAL:
I am.

BRIT:
No, no.

- It's just the drugs.
- WOMAN (in distance):

Kids, let's go!

If you guys can't accept
that hallucinations

are the actual reality

and our daily lives
are the hallucination,

I might take off.

Oh, my God, you're right.

Hey, Val, is this going okay?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, this shit is good.

BRIT:
What?

Okay, thank you... thank you.
Thank you for that.

God, why am I such a grade
grubber even on psychedelics?

You know, it's like-it's like...

it's like, it's in me, you know?
Like, I just, I can't...

not do well,
it's like a serpent.

You need to try screwing up.

No, Joel's always
telling me to relax.

Oh, no. I can't believe
he told a woman to relax.

Such a boner killer.

Oh, my God, Felicia,
you're so awesome.

Should I get married?

I don't know.
Do you want to?

I don't know.

Val, should I get married?

I'm gonna say no.

Really?

I don't know.
I am tripping balls, man.

[♪ ♪]

I mean, I-if I wait for her
to make a decision,

I will die waiting.

You guys love each other,
right?

Yeah, I mean, it's the most in
love I've ever been in my life.

Right.
Personally...

I kind of freak out
when things are going too well.

To our champagne problems.

And our problems with champagne.

(chuckles)
Nice. That's funny.

I'm pretty funny.

- Can I go to the bathroom?
- No, no.

Can I go up there?

Yeah.

(indistinct chatter)

"Get Down" by Still Woozy
playing...

♪ She's gonna break me ♪

♪ But I don't give a damn
right now ♪

♪ She wanna get down,
I wanna to get down ♪

♪ We're gonna get down, so ♪

♪ She's gonna take me... ♪

VAL:
There was this caterpillar,

and he asked me
if I had any snacks.

He ate them, and then

guess what he became?
- FELICIA: What?

He became a butterfly.

- Oh.
- And guess what it did?

- What?
- It bit me.

- No! - Oh, my God, that's so mean.
- Yeah, it bit me.

- That's so mean.
- It sucked the venom out of me.

- Val.
- Yeah.

- Oh, ooh!
- I am so happy to be naked right now.

- (speaking Haitian Creole)
- Really feels

so liberating.

FELICIA:
I really wish I was naked.

VAL: Oh, you guys,

I think we should
do this again tomorrow.

FELICIA: That's a terrible idea.