Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 4, Episode 15 - Enter the Jaguar - full transcript
- You're the thief, The Jaguar.
- What?
You are under arrest.
That's not mine. Are you crazy?
[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon...
$100,000 worth of jewelry
from the Finnegan estate,
gone, kaput.
I am not a thief. I... I
am not The Jaguar.
Do you honestly think this
mild-mannered little bird watcher
is an international criminal?
Take my advice.
Drop your client.
The most exciting
thing in my life
was finding the nest
of a keel-billed toucan.
Cats like birds.
[bird screeching]
♪♪ [theme]
[speaking native language]
Don't tell me, sir.
Another American tourist
who has lost his
traveler's checks.
What? No.
I'm being followed.
That man has been following me.
[speaking in native language]
You are the thief, The Jaguar.
- What?
- You are under arrest.
What do you mean, Jaguar?
I... I'm not a thief. I...
[speaking native language]
That's not mine. Are you crazy?
Stop! Stop!
[speaking native language]
Stop! Stop that
man! He's a thief.
64.96...
102.50...
45.36...
- Expense report.
- Hmm.
85.90...
100.20...
The old roundball team
at your old alma mater
had a squeaker over
Pepperdine last night.
72.65... You know,
70-68 in overtime.
70.68.70...
Thank you, Rick.
Of course.
Of course, I assume
that your monthly
expense report is...
Locked, loaded,
and in your "in" box.
Rick, it has to be
itemized by case.
Nobody's going to make
heads or tails of this nonsense.
Got it all right up here.
Oh, that's wonderful.
I can't wait to see
a government
audit of your brain.
Heaven knows what it'll turn up.
- Ahem.
- Excuse me.
Who is Laurette Stang?
And why did we spend $150 on her
at Ernie's House of Crabs?
Uh, yeah. I forgot
to tell you about that.
She's going to get us a discount
on some wigs and makeup
and stuff we can use in
our undercover operations.
Ahem.
Rick, I hate to
break this to you,
but the United States government
is not going to
consider surf 'n turf
on your beautician of the week
a legitimate business expense.
We did a lot of
business that night.
"One catcher's
mitt, right-handed"?
[phone rings]
A.J., the thing was
completely ruined.
- This is ridiculous.
- Simon & Simon.
The IRS is never going
to buy this nonsense.
We're in a strange line of work.
They bought the business
about the 1,600
towels last year.
Yes, sir. I am listening.
Dog collars?
Uh... Strange man following you?
Well, I can see that that
would be disconcerting.
Yeah, Mr. Wilbur, we
can get right on this.
- About, uh, 20 minutes?
- Krazy Glue?
Okay.
Very good. Thank you, sir.
Bye-bye.
Real interesting case, A.J.
I think you're going
to like this one.
- Orthopedic stockings?
- Yeah.
[Man] The bone structure
is particularly delicate
and unique to the species.
Notice the jointing
and the radii
located between the
distal end of the radius
and the proximal part
of the carpometacarpus.
Ah, yes, of course.
This is bubo virginianus,
or the great horned owl, as
she is more commonly known.
If I actually observe
her eggs hatching,
I have to be very careful.
The mother's protective
instincts are fierce,
and she is perfectly capable
of using these slashing talons
- to kill a man.
- [bell rings]
[sigh] Yes.
Well, please, I appreciate
your reluctance to go,
but do try to force
yourselves to leave.
Hi. Professor John
Wilbur, I'm Rick Simon.
- This is my...
- Ah, yes, Professor Simon.
Good of you to come.
Good to see you.
Please, uh, in my office.
Uh, I enjoyed your paper
on the migration patterns
of the blackburnian warbler.
- Uh, could you...
- [A.J.] Thank you.
That's very kind
of you to say so.
I thought it was a
mediocre paper, myself.
[Rick] I thought it
was downright boring.
Sorry about the pretense,
but as I said,
somebody's watching me,
and I don't want him
to know I'm hiring you.
Talk about role reversals.
I'm usually the observer
instead of the observed.
This man who's following you.
He's a total stranger?
Completely.
Although I think he
might be connected
to what happened to me
in Morocco last August.
I was out in the Kasari souk,
studying the
rufous-tailed jacamar.
I actually filmed
the mating ritual.
The male brings little sticks
and colored pebbles
to the female.
Anyway, when I got
back into Marrakech,
the police stopped me
and accused me of
being a jewel thief.
It was like a Hitchcock film.
One moment I
was an ornithologist,
the next they're
calling me The Jaguar.
- The Jaguar?
- Yes.
Did they have a reason for that?
They found a diamond
bracelet in my camera bag.
Ah.
At least it looked
like diamonds. I...
Well, I never saw it before.
I ran.
I just panicked.
Uh, how does this tie in
with the guy who's following you
here in... in San Diego?
- Maybe it doesn't.
- Uh-huh.
I shot these of the
man, uh, last Monday.
He's just following you?
There's no other
form of contact?
No phone calls, no letters?
I just look around,
and he's there.
Then he's gone.
The first time was last week
in the old Sternbach Building.
Isn't that all boarded up?
I'm studying a brooding
great horned owl
who's nesting there
with a clutch of
eggs, of all things.
That's a forest bird,
very rare in the city.
Anyway, I saw him
again uh, in Balboa Park
and then here on the campus.
I'd ask him what the
hell he thinks he's doing...
but I can't get close.
Well, we'll ask him for you.
[Rick] You just concentrate
on your bird
watching, Professor.
We'll watch out for any tail.
[A.J.] Just do whatever
it is you do normally.
It's just a perfectly ordinary
bird watching outing.
Has either of you ever
been bird watching before?
[Rick] No, but we can wing it.
- [chirping]
- There.
There.
Do you see it?
Professor Simon,
what do you think it is?
Uh... I think it's green.
Yes. Ha ha. Of course.
It's the lovely
hooded yellowthroat.
It is beautiful.
Look at that, Rick.
Look at those colors.
Really lovely.
Do you see it?
Yeah, it's a bird.
[Rick] Aha.
Nothing like the song
of the turdus viscivorus.
Just, uh... keep to
the treetops, guys.
I got a turkey on our tail.
Dr. Klein, Professor Wilbur,
I don't believe it.
Black-chinned sparrow.
Amazing.
Uh, why, they're
usually indigenous
to chaparral country.
And look.
There goes a
black-crested titmouse.
The little bugger's
wandered a little far afield,
don't you think?
It seems to be
heading toward its nest.
See, typically, they build them
in, uh, some natural
cavity... A hole in...
Dr. Klein, shall we
track them separately?
Yes, Professor Simon.
You two take the sparrow.
I think he went that
way, Professor Wilbur.
Black-chinned sparrow.
Last time I saw one of
those, it was in New Guinea.
Same time I sighted
that little bustard.
- Beg your pardon?
- Bustard. With a U.
- Uh-huh.
- Terrestrial bird.
Short, black-billed,
long throat.
What a rare sighting,
and today we're seeing
two unusual species
in the vicinity of...
[A.J., Wilbur
continue chattering]
You want to tell me
just what you're doing?
[grunting]
[growling]
Ahh!
Ahh.
You're a real
charmer, aren't you?
You always lay into people
who are just talking to you?
Just kind of
naturally gregarious?
I don't know what...
What you clowns
think you're doing.
But you better stop it
because it's police business.
Check the pocket.
Detective Frank London, NYPD.
Attached to INTERPOL.
What it boils down to
is that Mr. John Wilbur
there is... is The Jaguar.
The car or the cat?
The thief. The jewel thief.
He's boosted over 28 million
in gems over the last decade
from private collections,
out of the poshest homes
from Rio to Monte Carlo.
Then why is he
still walking around?
Because I'm still
making the case.
I only got onto him three
months ago in Morocco.
You've made a mistake.
Professor John Wilbur
would trip over his own shoes
if he weren't concentrating.
Is that a fact. Lieutenant?
Every burglary, every
store, every location
cross-indexed with
the whereabouts
of one Professor John Wilbur.
Ah.
But I wouldn't feel so bad.
I mean, he is brilliant,
and, uh, right now
he's conning you.
Why?
He knows I'm closing in on him,
so he hired you
two, uh, detectives
to validate his cover.
You buying this, Town?
Detective London
has the full support
of this department.
The chief has asked me
to personally coordinate
things with the NYPD.
I have to warn you.
Officially and
unofficially, Rick,
stay out of the way.
I don't believe this.
I'm an ornithologist.
Trust me, London is
just fishing right now.
If he had any hard evidence,
he'd have charged you already.
I got some articles here
about The Jaguar's robberies.
Let's see. We've got, uh...
London in August of '77,
uh, Paris in January of '79,
and Rio... Rio... in May of '82.
I've never been to these places.
Uh, in '79, I was in Borneo,
following the
rufous-capped spinetail.
In '82. I was birding
in Haiti almost all year.
Well, that's great.
All we need is your passport.
I for one can't wait to
hear London explain
how you were robbing
a mansion in Rio
while traipsing around
the jungles of Borneo.
Can't wait to see
the look on his face.
[Wilbur] Ahem.
Uh...
I don't understand.
This can't be.
There's England...
August of '77.
France... January of '79.
Brazil... May of '82.
And there's Morocco.
Looks like you and The Jaguar
have the same travel agent.
[truck approaches]
Thought we might find you here.
It's an old habit.
Birds are particularly
song-filled in the morning.
Helps me think.
I swear to God, this
is not my passport.
And we'll prove it, Professor.
For right now, you just
stick to your normal routine,
nothing out of the ordinary.
Try not to worry.
You know, if this
thing is a fake,
it's a damn good one.
I think I'd better go
have a word with Ditto.
I don't see any currency
plates anywhere around.
You back to printing up
wedding announcements, Ditto?
Hmm.
Between the federal deficit
and the imminent default of
Latin American bank loans,
there's just too much
downside in currency.
But lately I'm
into collectibles...
Postage stamps, comic books.
Ah.
- Nope.
- Nope what?
Ah, I just thought
maybe the photo
had been retouched,
but, uh, uh-uh. It's his.
And lamination is
smooth and unbroken.
The photo wasn't
lifted from one passport,
put into another one.
The, uh, paper's the real McCoy.
So is the signature. No forgery.
What about the entry
visas? Are they forgeries?
Good. That's good.
And I checked them.
I checked the stamps
against proof samples
from each country.
Now, A.J., believe me,
no one, no matter
how good he is,
can make an exact
forgery of visa stamps
from 30 separate countries.
They're real. So is this.
Okay, Ditto.
I don't want to,
but I believe you.
Sorry.
Uh, A.J., if the guy
wants to skip the country,
I can dummy him up a new
passport over the weekend.
Do me a favor.
Check it over one more time.
For me.
Yeah.
You got a, uh, seven-letter
word for scavenger?
Vulture.
Thanks.
- [gasp]
- John Wilbur?
I'm sorry. You startled me.
Uh, can I help you?
You one of my students?
In a manner of speaking.
I've been a student of
your methods for years.
Uh, just how did you
get in here anyway?
That door was locked.
Oh, no.
Listen, n-n-n-no one saw
you come in here, did they?
You mean that cop
on the bench outside?
Of course not. I'm
much too good for that.
Oh, and I swept the
room for bugging devices
when I entered. We're clear.
Who are you? What the
hell do you want from me?
My name is Michelle.
We've never met,
but I'm a friend of
a friend of yours.
- Lois Leopold?
- I don't know anyone named...
It was in '78 in Monte Carlo.
I'd liberated the
Duquette Tiara,
but the gendarmes found me
before I could
leave the country.
You were in Monaco
on similar business,
and Lois asked
you if you could help.
A few well-placed
bribes, and I was free...
Without the tiara, of course,
but then you can't
have everything
in this life, can you?
No. Uh, listen.
I think you've made
a terrible mistake.
I am not who you think I am.
No? Well, then, who are you?
I'm an ornithologist.
That's all.
I teach biology here.
I have tenure.
Oh, I see.
Well, perhaps I do
have the wrong man,
but if you were,
I'd tell you this...
That I've admired
your work for years.
I'm very grateful for
the help you gave me.
And I'd like to repay the favor.
Also, I wouldn't do anything
to compromise
your cover identity.
Oh, my God.
I'd also tell you
that I know about
INTERPOL closing in on you
and that I've started some plans
to make some vast
cash for a quick getaway.
What... What do you mean, plans?
Like I said, I'm good,
very good, at what I do.
It's a shame you're not
the man I think you are
because if you were,
you might discover
just how good that is.
Town, I am telling you
London is way off base.
Do you honestly think
this mild-mannered
little bird watcher
is an international criminal?
You're right.
Patently ridiculous.
There may be only 2,000
pages in this dossier of London's.
Pretty flimsy
case, if you ask me.
Downright laughable.
Okay, so he's got a fat dossier.
That doesn't mean it's
not all bogus information
fed to London by somebody,
probably The Jaguar himself,
in order to frame Wilbur.
The only reason
I let you see this
is because I thought
it would convince you
that there's a real
case against your man,
- a real case.
- All right, all right.
At least we can get a
list of The Jaguar's victims
for a start.
Rick, you're finished
before you start.
I've read this.
There isn't one particular
page that nails him,
but put it all together,
you got a real
convincing case here.
Take my advice. Drop your client
before he gets
your butts in a vice
that even I won't be
able to get you out of.
I'm really surprised
at you, Town.
You've seen guys
like London before.
He's a hot dog.
He's worst than that. He's
an out-of-state hot dog,
and he's got you
dancing to his tune.
He honestly expected you
to trump up charges
against us yesterday,
like you're his
personal point man.
Let me tell you something.
I'm going down and
check the wire room.
London ordered up an
INTERPOL cross-index
on your man last night.
It's still coming
across the teletype.
Uh, just leave
them in the basket.
Oh. And, uh, don't forget
Chapter 12 in the
text for Monday.
[door closes]
[A.J.] If Town ever
finds out about this,
he's not going to like it.
Okay. You went
through all that stuff.
What do you know
about this guy Wells?
[Rick] He's rich, he was robbed.
Oh, and he's, uh, a
Superior Court judge.
We, uh, really do appreciate
your bringing us out here.
As much as you've driven
all the way from San Diego,
I'm sure Master
Wells won't mind.
In fact, I'm sure
he'll be delighted
- in having an audience.
- [A.J.] Uh-huh.
Gentlemen, I give
you Master Wells.
[swords clank, horses neigh]
Uh, uh, w-which one is he?
- The Black Knight.
- Black Knight.
Master Wells is a hobbyist.
If you want to
endear yourselves,
might I suggest you
call him Sir David?
Sir David.
Well done, Jackson.
- You all right?
- Fine.
[Wells] You the new challengers?
Uh, no, no.
Rick and A.J. Simon, Sir David.
Uh, we're private investigators.
Uh, we're looking into a jewel
thief known as The Jaguar.
And we understand you
were one of his victims
two years ago.
Yes, indeed.
That blackguard made off
with $2 million worth of
my wife's gem collection.
Of course, it was
insured, but, uh...
I mean, it was a violation.
A man's home
should be sacrosanct.
It should be his
refuge, his, uh...
Castle?
Exactly, sir, exactly.
What kind of
security precautions
did you have, sir?
Uh, guard dogs,
perimeter alarms?
Moats, drawbridges?
Well, now, in view of the fact
that ultrasonic nets
and motion sensors
and video monitors
didn't stop The Jaguar,
perhaps I should
consider a moat, huh?
Oh, but I'm well satisfied
the police are doing
everything they can.
Were any of the
jewels ever recovered?
Not a stone.
Whom are you working for?
Victim of circumstance.
Ah.
Aren't we all?
[A.J.] I tell you,
the security there
is tighter than Camp David.
The Jaguar must
be part escape artist,
part electronics
whiz, and part acrobat.
I remember when the
most exciting thing in my life
was finding the nest
of a keel-billed toucan.
Now I got mysterious brunettes,
crazed policemen...
Yeah, can we skip back
to the mysterious brunette?
She didn't give you a last name?
Just Michelle?
By the way, could I get
more of that pastrami
out of the refrigerator?
Yeah, I'm going to use
the bathroom for a moment.
Hold it right there!
No, that's my line.
Now you hold it, okay?
- [knock on door]
- Get that. It's London.
- Get that. It's London.
- Hey, Town. What's going on?
[London] Doc.
The detectives.
Town, what is this?
This is a search warrant.
Professor.
Detective London has
some questions for you.
I just have, uh, one, really.
Where were you last night
between the hours
of, say 8 and 10:00?
Uh, here at home.
You got, uh, witnesses?
Uh... no.
Just what happened last
night between 8 and 10
that you're so interested in?
A robbery. Yeah. Nice big one.
$100,000 worth of jewelry
from the Finnegan estate,
gone, kaput, I'm
talking history.
And the, uh, M.O., as they say,
is The Jaguar's.
This is ridiculous.
I am not a thief.
I am not The Jaguar. I...
Lieutenant, found it between
the mattress and the box spring.
- Well?
- Cuff him.
- This way, please, sir.
- Let's walk and talk.
You have the right
to remain silent.
If you give up the
right to remain silent,
anything you can say can
and will be used against you
in a court of law.
All right, now, Town...
It's done. It's
over. It's finished.
Drop it. Drop it.
There's no chance he's innocent?
None. He fenced the jewels
for the cash we
found under his bed.
Pan Pacific has a
one-way reservation
in his name to Tangier.
Oh, yeah, and there's
the, uh, eyewitness.
Somebody actually
saw The Jaguar?
Sylvia Finnegan, the heiress.
She saw him try to make
his getaway last night.
She also picked him
out of a positive I.D.
in a lineup.
Well, it, uh...
It's not impossible
to fool an eyewitness.
I mean, it was dark.
You know, good
makeup, good disguise...
You still think this man
is just a bird watcher?
Town...
Has it ever occurred to you
that this case is
just a little too pat?
No. It's two patsies...
You and you.
[Rick] There was only 3,000
bucks under your mattress.
It made such a big bump.
Yeah, a big, obvious bump,
but it was mostly 5s and 10s.
The Finnegan jewels
are worth 100,000.
3% hardly seems
worth stealing for.
It's not. 30 to 60%
is typical fence.
And you don't just
hawk hot stones
on the street corner.
Rocks that size
have pedigrees...
Colors, brilliance, flaws.
[A.J.] They get cut
down into smaller stones.
Settings get melted down.
Hey.
Jag, this is all old hat to you.
None of this is old hat to me.
I can't afford bail.
Nobody believes me.
You don't have to pick...
All right, look. We
are on your side,
and we're staying.
Now, if you want bail,
we'll arrange it through Marko.
Uh, but I'd wait until
you're really desperate.
Don't worry.
We'll get you out before then.
We'll just keep prying
under the corners,
and something will come loose.
Yeah, like that Finnegan chick.
Pretty convenient witness, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Her jewels have to be somewhere.
We'll get a description
from the police report.
How?
Detective London won't let
your friend help me anymore.
Well, there are other ways.
Some of these have dope in them,
some do not. Others did.
I don't know which is which.
Frankly, I do not care.
This is your problem.
The lab can sort it all out.
Once I give them to you,
it is up to you, not me.
I am not a field agent.
I do not like being
out in the field.
I am a records technician,
and I shall be extremely happy
when I can get back
to my filing cabinets.
Well, you keep
these in the box, pal.
Uh, one of them's
liable to get lost
and stepped on or something.
- Stepped on?
- Yeah.
I see.
In that case...
I will need...
a risk indemnification
rider for each item.
Hiya. Boyer. Vice.
You're disgusting.
Part of their evidence.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you mind
waiting your turn?
I am transacting
DEA business here,
and this gentlemen must sign
more than 100 forms for me.
All he's got to do is
check in my dirty pictures.
How about it?
You locals may
scoff at the rule book.
We at the federal level
take it much more
seriously, I assure you.
Ah, we better not mess
with this animal, son.
You tend to his forms.
I've done this before.
Thank you.
Sign the pink forms four times,
starting below the
perforation, if you please,
then countersign the
indemnification letter,
and we'll have to get
a notary down here
to put a seal on
these photocopies
on the second and fourth
pages before we separate them,
and then we'll have
to detach the file flag
and air freight these
forms to Washington.
Sign the green forms three times
and once on the reverse.
Each signature...
[A.J.] I think I'm
going to enjoy
being a member here.
I can't find my doubles
partner for the tournament.
I've never met her.
Maybe you know her.
Sylvia Finnegan?
Ah, Sylvia.
The mainstay of
the club's cocktail bar
each and every night.
The question should be
who doesn't know her?
Or better still, who
can afford her?
I hope you're heir
to a sizable estate.
Sylvia doesn't just burn
the candle at both ends.
She lights it in the middle.
Ah. Well, now, Robbie
led me to believe
that her family
was quite well off.
Flowers, gentlemen,
for the lapel?
Brightens up your day.
Well, that's a very nice idea,
but I'm afraid, unless
I can sign for it...
Oh, here. Let me.
- My treat.
- Great.
Is this a club tradition?
It is now, apparently.
Thank you.
Uh, $2.00 apiece.
That'll be $6.00.
Okay. And why don't
you buy one for yourself?
Thank you. Enjoy your game.
Thank you.
You were telling me about
the Finnegan finances?
There aren't any.
Precious metals. Sold short.
But then again, Sylvia was
always a resourceful woman.
Just be careful you don't
become one of her resources.
Oh, well.
I'm always careful around
beautiful women, right?
Though, of course...
if you know the price going in,
it can be worth the cost.
May I, uh, refill this for you,
whatever it might be?
The Blue Hawaii.
Bartender, give the lady
another one of these
funny-looking blue drinks.
Make it a double.
Hell, make it ultraviolet.
Let's see here.
Yeah, I do have
some of the green stuff.
I don't hardly ever
use this anymore,
especially not in business.
And what is your
business, Mister...
Simon. Rick Simon.
Petroleum products.
I commute out here
about five or six times
every month from Houston.
Got to blow out the old Lear
Jet every once in a while,
otherwise the compressor
fans lose their edge.
And you are?
Sylvia. Sylvia Finnegan.
Finnegan. Finnegan.
Now, are you by any chance
related to the Finnegans
who just sold the
Golden West Bank?
My father founded it, yes.
Well, I'll be damned.
Isn't that something?
You know, my
company has accounts
in your, uh, Boulder,
your Tucson,
and your Seattle branches.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Conglomerates do
make strange bedfellows,
- now don't they?
- Oh, yes, they do.
Oh, why you drunken ape.
Look at what you've done.
Allow me to clean up that stuff.
Just get out of the way now.
[Sylvia] Make it stop
leaking in my shoe!
[Rick] I'll be the
judge of that.
[Sylvia] I'm drenched!
Sorry, man. I beg your pardon.
All right, buddy. I think
you've had enough.
I just want to
apologize to the lady.
Come on, take a hike, pal.
Unbelievable. The
members that they let in now.
- Absolutely tacky.
- Isn't that something?
Back home, we'd
have had him lynched.
Excuse me.
Hi, Town. What are you up to?
Trying to get a little
sleep. Can it wait?
[A.J.] I'm afraid not.
It's really important.
One wallet.
$10.13 in cash.
Belt.
Pipe.
And one, uh...
Bird caller. Turdus viscivorus.
- [bird call]
- First time for everything.
I... I don't understand.
You're free. Released.
But my bail was $200,000.
Oh. That reminds me.
This isn't mine.
It's a note from the lady
who put up your bond.
She couldn't wait around.
Move it. Sylvia's probably
in the powder room right now
making a midnight
call to her broker
to check out my portfolio.
You were enjoying
your work so much,
I thought you might
take it home with you.
That's a pleasant thought,
but I'm afraid she is
a cautious investor.
Ahem.
Did you catch sight of
the mysterious brunette?
She's good. But she
can't be too far away.
This thing only has a range
of a few hundred yards.
Shall we reel her in?
Eh, let's keep
trolling for a while.
Now that we got her on the line,
we might learn something.
What did Sylvia have to say?
Oh, she loves to talk...
About her possessions,
about her fox gray
baby Mercedes,
her designer wardrobe.
Her credit card tabs.
Yeah, that was definitely
between the lines.
Anything in the purse?
Pair of ruby and
diamond earrings
that she reported stolen.
Mistake, you think?
Maybe.
But Town says the
insurance company's
already cutting a
check for the entire loss.
So Sylvia gets to have
her cake and eat it, too,
courtesy of The Jaguar.
I don't want to be
off the air too long.
Oh.
- Shall we?
- Yes.
- Investigations.
- [sigh]
At the beep, please leave
your name and number
and any message that you wish.
[beep]
This is John Wilbur.
That woman Michelle
posted my bail,
but she didn't wait.
[sigh] I'm at home.
Come over as soon as you can.
I... I won't leave.
Ahem.
Doc.
How did you get in here?
What is it you want from me?
I just thought you and me,
we could do a
little bird watching
down at that old
building you like so much.
- What?
- [gun is cocked]
You're not going to
need the book, Doc.
Come on.
Come on, come on. Let's go.
Come on.
[door closes]
[Rick] What finally
tipped you off, Ditto?
I tried everything...
X-rays, ultraviolet.
The binding.
- The stitching on the spine.
- Mm-hmm.
It's been redone.
Is that much of a job?
Oh, yeah. As soon as I noticed,
I called Buddy the Brush Man.
He's the only guy I know
who can take it apart,
and put them together
again almost perfect.
All right, so the cover
is the real McCoy,
but the visa pages are
from two different passports
- mixed together?
- You got it.
So there's some pages
from Wilbur's passport
and the visa pages
from The Jaguar's.
I guess. Mix and match
until you got a frame.
- The Jaguar? That's for real?
- Yeah.
You guys are after
the Jaguar? [laughing]
We are after somebody
who at least wants us to
think that he's The Jaguar.
- [A.J.] Or she.
- Or she.
Okay, Ditto. Thank
you very much.
Oh, uh, one more question.
Did Buddy the Brush
Man happen to mention
who the job was for?
He dealt with a
middleman. No names.
It was just a question.
Uh, where's Buddy located?
I have no idea. He's
got an 800 number.
- Yeah.
- 800?
Buddy is big time. He
recently incorporated.
I'll see you guys.
- Uh, yeah. Take it easy.
- Thanks.
Thanks again.
We don't have an 800 number.
[sigh]
Okay.
We know how. We
just don't know who.
Michelle?
Yeah. Might as well ask her.
What do you say we
jerk our fish into the boat?
Well, there's a
message from Wilbur
saying he's waiting
for us at his apartment.
Do you want to
yank now or later?
Why waste time?
Let go get your posy.
How soon you figure
before Town can put
The Jaguar on ice?
Oh, just as soon as
Wilbur gives it to us.
Hello, Professor.
Professor, I hear you've
got something I want.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
I thought you were
listening to a lot of music.
May I?
Where's the Professor?
He was gone when I
got here. Don't you know?
If he's gone, he's in trouble.
London's probably got him.
What would he be
doing with London?
He's out of jail.
You bailed him out.
- Don't you know?
- Know what?
London is The Jaguar.
Okay.
Yeah. Makes sense.
I mean, it's his case.
How easy to tailor a frame.
Then how do you
fit in to all this?
Check the I.D.
"Michelle Naughton,
Commonwealth United
Insurance Company."
It's pretty good.
Where did you get it,
Buddy the Brush Man?
It's real, but I can't
prove it sitting here.
I work freelance.
I recover stolen
goods for the reward.
Okay.
Then why all this song and dance
being a student of The Jaguar?
Why not just bag him?
Because I can't prove anything.
What do you mean? Prove what?
It's my theory that this
is all an insurance scam,
that The Jaguar's been
pulling off these robberies
with the collusion
of the victims.
And now he's rich enough,
and he's ready to retire.
And he's setting the
Professor up to take the fall.
So far, he hasn't
made a mistake,
so I threw a boomerang
into his plans,
hoping he would.
Yeah, I think bailing
the Professor out
accomplished that.
I would imagine,
if that's the case,
that Mr. London
wants to make it final.
That's what I was thinking.
What do you got there?
Just trash. It's a parking stub
for the Sternbach Building.
Isn't that where the
Professor's owl is nesting?
That's also where he saw London
for the first time last week.
Uh...
If it goes to trial,
which I doubt,
there's no jury that's
ever going to think
that you are a jewel thief.
See, that's what I keep say...
But why not find
somebody convincing?
Uh, this doesn't make any sense,
bringing me here.
How are you going to tie me up?
Put on one of
these on your wrist.
Oh, no. Not again.
I brought you here
because I need a little
time to get good and lost.
I'll give you a fat
little bank account
to make up for your trouble.
I don't want money.
An apology, then.
I mean, you're going to
have to wait here tied up
until someone
thinks to come look.
Come on. Let's go.
Rick, that's London's car.
[London] This owl of yours,
it what, likes the
heights or what?
Oh, yes, partially.
Also the seclusion.
Uh, oh, and the rodents.
You see, this building
is a ready source of food.
Yeah, I can see that.
Where, uh...
Where would it build
its nest, this owl?
Why do you want to know?
Well, in my line of work, I
got to know a lot of things,
and, uh, what you
do interests me.
Ah.
Besides, John, cats like birds.
Well, you see, it
took me about a week
to find the nest myself.
I saw the owl flying
in and out of those
open windows there,
and, uh, then I followed it
to the elevator shaft here.
You see?
Where's the bird?
Probably out foraging.
She had three eggs. I
think they've hatched.
Here we go, Doc.
Aah! Aah!
[screeching]
Hold it!
Aah!
[A.J.] Grab my
wrist. Grab my wrist.
I can't... [grunting]
I can't reach.
Come on.
Come on.
You guys found my clue.
Oh, my God. He
was going to, uh...
I mean, all the time,
he meant to have...
I know. I know. I know.
You're lucky to be alive.
That wasn't luck.
That was bubo virginianus,
the North American
great horned owl.
It's fiercely
protective of its young.
- What?
You are under arrest.
That's not mine. Are you crazy?
[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon...
$100,000 worth of jewelry
from the Finnegan estate,
gone, kaput.
I am not a thief. I... I
am not The Jaguar.
Do you honestly think this
mild-mannered little bird watcher
is an international criminal?
Take my advice.
Drop your client.
The most exciting
thing in my life
was finding the nest
of a keel-billed toucan.
Cats like birds.
[bird screeching]
♪♪ [theme]
[speaking native language]
Don't tell me, sir.
Another American tourist
who has lost his
traveler's checks.
What? No.
I'm being followed.
That man has been following me.
[speaking in native language]
You are the thief, The Jaguar.
- What?
- You are under arrest.
What do you mean, Jaguar?
I... I'm not a thief. I...
[speaking native language]
That's not mine. Are you crazy?
Stop! Stop!
[speaking native language]
Stop! Stop that
man! He's a thief.
64.96...
102.50...
45.36...
- Expense report.
- Hmm.
85.90...
100.20...
The old roundball team
at your old alma mater
had a squeaker over
Pepperdine last night.
72.65... You know,
70-68 in overtime.
70.68.70...
Thank you, Rick.
Of course.
Of course, I assume
that your monthly
expense report is...
Locked, loaded,
and in your "in" box.
Rick, it has to be
itemized by case.
Nobody's going to make
heads or tails of this nonsense.
Got it all right up here.
Oh, that's wonderful.
I can't wait to see
a government
audit of your brain.
Heaven knows what it'll turn up.
- Ahem.
- Excuse me.
Who is Laurette Stang?
And why did we spend $150 on her
at Ernie's House of Crabs?
Uh, yeah. I forgot
to tell you about that.
She's going to get us a discount
on some wigs and makeup
and stuff we can use in
our undercover operations.
Ahem.
Rick, I hate to
break this to you,
but the United States government
is not going to
consider surf 'n turf
on your beautician of the week
a legitimate business expense.
We did a lot of
business that night.
"One catcher's
mitt, right-handed"?
[phone rings]
A.J., the thing was
completely ruined.
- This is ridiculous.
- Simon & Simon.
The IRS is never going
to buy this nonsense.
We're in a strange line of work.
They bought the business
about the 1,600
towels last year.
Yes, sir. I am listening.
Dog collars?
Uh... Strange man following you?
Well, I can see that that
would be disconcerting.
Yeah, Mr. Wilbur, we
can get right on this.
- About, uh, 20 minutes?
- Krazy Glue?
Okay.
Very good. Thank you, sir.
Bye-bye.
Real interesting case, A.J.
I think you're going
to like this one.
- Orthopedic stockings?
- Yeah.
[Man] The bone structure
is particularly delicate
and unique to the species.
Notice the jointing
and the radii
located between the
distal end of the radius
and the proximal part
of the carpometacarpus.
Ah, yes, of course.
This is bubo virginianus,
or the great horned owl, as
she is more commonly known.
If I actually observe
her eggs hatching,
I have to be very careful.
The mother's protective
instincts are fierce,
and she is perfectly capable
of using these slashing talons
- to kill a man.
- [bell rings]
[sigh] Yes.
Well, please, I appreciate
your reluctance to go,
but do try to force
yourselves to leave.
Hi. Professor John
Wilbur, I'm Rick Simon.
- This is my...
- Ah, yes, Professor Simon.
Good of you to come.
Good to see you.
Please, uh, in my office.
Uh, I enjoyed your paper
on the migration patterns
of the blackburnian warbler.
- Uh, could you...
- [A.J.] Thank you.
That's very kind
of you to say so.
I thought it was a
mediocre paper, myself.
[Rick] I thought it
was downright boring.
Sorry about the pretense,
but as I said,
somebody's watching me,
and I don't want him
to know I'm hiring you.
Talk about role reversals.
I'm usually the observer
instead of the observed.
This man who's following you.
He's a total stranger?
Completely.
Although I think he
might be connected
to what happened to me
in Morocco last August.
I was out in the Kasari souk,
studying the
rufous-tailed jacamar.
I actually filmed
the mating ritual.
The male brings little sticks
and colored pebbles
to the female.
Anyway, when I got
back into Marrakech,
the police stopped me
and accused me of
being a jewel thief.
It was like a Hitchcock film.
One moment I
was an ornithologist,
the next they're
calling me The Jaguar.
- The Jaguar?
- Yes.
Did they have a reason for that?
They found a diamond
bracelet in my camera bag.
Ah.
At least it looked
like diamonds. I...
Well, I never saw it before.
I ran.
I just panicked.
Uh, how does this tie in
with the guy who's following you
here in... in San Diego?
- Maybe it doesn't.
- Uh-huh.
I shot these of the
man, uh, last Monday.
He's just following you?
There's no other
form of contact?
No phone calls, no letters?
I just look around,
and he's there.
Then he's gone.
The first time was last week
in the old Sternbach Building.
Isn't that all boarded up?
I'm studying a brooding
great horned owl
who's nesting there
with a clutch of
eggs, of all things.
That's a forest bird,
very rare in the city.
Anyway, I saw him
again uh, in Balboa Park
and then here on the campus.
I'd ask him what the
hell he thinks he's doing...
but I can't get close.
Well, we'll ask him for you.
[Rick] You just concentrate
on your bird
watching, Professor.
We'll watch out for any tail.
[A.J.] Just do whatever
it is you do normally.
It's just a perfectly ordinary
bird watching outing.
Has either of you ever
been bird watching before?
[Rick] No, but we can wing it.
- [chirping]
- There.
There.
Do you see it?
Professor Simon,
what do you think it is?
Uh... I think it's green.
Yes. Ha ha. Of course.
It's the lovely
hooded yellowthroat.
It is beautiful.
Look at that, Rick.
Look at those colors.
Really lovely.
Do you see it?
Yeah, it's a bird.
[Rick] Aha.
Nothing like the song
of the turdus viscivorus.
Just, uh... keep to
the treetops, guys.
I got a turkey on our tail.
Dr. Klein, Professor Wilbur,
I don't believe it.
Black-chinned sparrow.
Amazing.
Uh, why, they're
usually indigenous
to chaparral country.
And look.
There goes a
black-crested titmouse.
The little bugger's
wandered a little far afield,
don't you think?
It seems to be
heading toward its nest.
See, typically, they build them
in, uh, some natural
cavity... A hole in...
Dr. Klein, shall we
track them separately?
Yes, Professor Simon.
You two take the sparrow.
I think he went that
way, Professor Wilbur.
Black-chinned sparrow.
Last time I saw one of
those, it was in New Guinea.
Same time I sighted
that little bustard.
- Beg your pardon?
- Bustard. With a U.
- Uh-huh.
- Terrestrial bird.
Short, black-billed,
long throat.
What a rare sighting,
and today we're seeing
two unusual species
in the vicinity of...
[A.J., Wilbur
continue chattering]
You want to tell me
just what you're doing?
[grunting]
[growling]
Ahh!
Ahh.
You're a real
charmer, aren't you?
You always lay into people
who are just talking to you?
Just kind of
naturally gregarious?
I don't know what...
What you clowns
think you're doing.
But you better stop it
because it's police business.
Check the pocket.
Detective Frank London, NYPD.
Attached to INTERPOL.
What it boils down to
is that Mr. John Wilbur
there is... is The Jaguar.
The car or the cat?
The thief. The jewel thief.
He's boosted over 28 million
in gems over the last decade
from private collections,
out of the poshest homes
from Rio to Monte Carlo.
Then why is he
still walking around?
Because I'm still
making the case.
I only got onto him three
months ago in Morocco.
You've made a mistake.
Professor John Wilbur
would trip over his own shoes
if he weren't concentrating.
Is that a fact. Lieutenant?
Every burglary, every
store, every location
cross-indexed with
the whereabouts
of one Professor John Wilbur.
Ah.
But I wouldn't feel so bad.
I mean, he is brilliant,
and, uh, right now
he's conning you.
Why?
He knows I'm closing in on him,
so he hired you
two, uh, detectives
to validate his cover.
You buying this, Town?
Detective London
has the full support
of this department.
The chief has asked me
to personally coordinate
things with the NYPD.
I have to warn you.
Officially and
unofficially, Rick,
stay out of the way.
I don't believe this.
I'm an ornithologist.
Trust me, London is
just fishing right now.
If he had any hard evidence,
he'd have charged you already.
I got some articles here
about The Jaguar's robberies.
Let's see. We've got, uh...
London in August of '77,
uh, Paris in January of '79,
and Rio... Rio... in May of '82.
I've never been to these places.
Uh, in '79, I was in Borneo,
following the
rufous-capped spinetail.
In '82. I was birding
in Haiti almost all year.
Well, that's great.
All we need is your passport.
I for one can't wait to
hear London explain
how you were robbing
a mansion in Rio
while traipsing around
the jungles of Borneo.
Can't wait to see
the look on his face.
[Wilbur] Ahem.
Uh...
I don't understand.
This can't be.
There's England...
August of '77.
France... January of '79.
Brazil... May of '82.
And there's Morocco.
Looks like you and The Jaguar
have the same travel agent.
[truck approaches]
Thought we might find you here.
It's an old habit.
Birds are particularly
song-filled in the morning.
Helps me think.
I swear to God, this
is not my passport.
And we'll prove it, Professor.
For right now, you just
stick to your normal routine,
nothing out of the ordinary.
Try not to worry.
You know, if this
thing is a fake,
it's a damn good one.
I think I'd better go
have a word with Ditto.
I don't see any currency
plates anywhere around.
You back to printing up
wedding announcements, Ditto?
Hmm.
Between the federal deficit
and the imminent default of
Latin American bank loans,
there's just too much
downside in currency.
But lately I'm
into collectibles...
Postage stamps, comic books.
Ah.
- Nope.
- Nope what?
Ah, I just thought
maybe the photo
had been retouched,
but, uh, uh-uh. It's his.
And lamination is
smooth and unbroken.
The photo wasn't
lifted from one passport,
put into another one.
The, uh, paper's the real McCoy.
So is the signature. No forgery.
What about the entry
visas? Are they forgeries?
Good. That's good.
And I checked them.
I checked the stamps
against proof samples
from each country.
Now, A.J., believe me,
no one, no matter
how good he is,
can make an exact
forgery of visa stamps
from 30 separate countries.
They're real. So is this.
Okay, Ditto.
I don't want to,
but I believe you.
Sorry.
Uh, A.J., if the guy
wants to skip the country,
I can dummy him up a new
passport over the weekend.
Do me a favor.
Check it over one more time.
For me.
Yeah.
You got a, uh, seven-letter
word for scavenger?
Vulture.
Thanks.
- [gasp]
- John Wilbur?
I'm sorry. You startled me.
Uh, can I help you?
You one of my students?
In a manner of speaking.
I've been a student of
your methods for years.
Uh, just how did you
get in here anyway?
That door was locked.
Oh, no.
Listen, n-n-n-no one saw
you come in here, did they?
You mean that cop
on the bench outside?
Of course not. I'm
much too good for that.
Oh, and I swept the
room for bugging devices
when I entered. We're clear.
Who are you? What the
hell do you want from me?
My name is Michelle.
We've never met,
but I'm a friend of
a friend of yours.
- Lois Leopold?
- I don't know anyone named...
It was in '78 in Monte Carlo.
I'd liberated the
Duquette Tiara,
but the gendarmes found me
before I could
leave the country.
You were in Monaco
on similar business,
and Lois asked
you if you could help.
A few well-placed
bribes, and I was free...
Without the tiara, of course,
but then you can't
have everything
in this life, can you?
No. Uh, listen.
I think you've made
a terrible mistake.
I am not who you think I am.
No? Well, then, who are you?
I'm an ornithologist.
That's all.
I teach biology here.
I have tenure.
Oh, I see.
Well, perhaps I do
have the wrong man,
but if you were,
I'd tell you this...
That I've admired
your work for years.
I'm very grateful for
the help you gave me.
And I'd like to repay the favor.
Also, I wouldn't do anything
to compromise
your cover identity.
Oh, my God.
I'd also tell you
that I know about
INTERPOL closing in on you
and that I've started some plans
to make some vast
cash for a quick getaway.
What... What do you mean, plans?
Like I said, I'm good,
very good, at what I do.
It's a shame you're not
the man I think you are
because if you were,
you might discover
just how good that is.
Town, I am telling you
London is way off base.
Do you honestly think
this mild-mannered
little bird watcher
is an international criminal?
You're right.
Patently ridiculous.
There may be only 2,000
pages in this dossier of London's.
Pretty flimsy
case, if you ask me.
Downright laughable.
Okay, so he's got a fat dossier.
That doesn't mean it's
not all bogus information
fed to London by somebody,
probably The Jaguar himself,
in order to frame Wilbur.
The only reason
I let you see this
is because I thought
it would convince you
that there's a real
case against your man,
- a real case.
- All right, all right.
At least we can get a
list of The Jaguar's victims
for a start.
Rick, you're finished
before you start.
I've read this.
There isn't one particular
page that nails him,
but put it all together,
you got a real
convincing case here.
Take my advice. Drop your client
before he gets
your butts in a vice
that even I won't be
able to get you out of.
I'm really surprised
at you, Town.
You've seen guys
like London before.
He's a hot dog.
He's worst than that. He's
an out-of-state hot dog,
and he's got you
dancing to his tune.
He honestly expected you
to trump up charges
against us yesterday,
like you're his
personal point man.
Let me tell you something.
I'm going down and
check the wire room.
London ordered up an
INTERPOL cross-index
on your man last night.
It's still coming
across the teletype.
Uh, just leave
them in the basket.
Oh. And, uh, don't forget
Chapter 12 in the
text for Monday.
[door closes]
[A.J.] If Town ever
finds out about this,
he's not going to like it.
Okay. You went
through all that stuff.
What do you know
about this guy Wells?
[Rick] He's rich, he was robbed.
Oh, and he's, uh, a
Superior Court judge.
We, uh, really do appreciate
your bringing us out here.
As much as you've driven
all the way from San Diego,
I'm sure Master
Wells won't mind.
In fact, I'm sure
he'll be delighted
- in having an audience.
- [A.J.] Uh-huh.
Gentlemen, I give
you Master Wells.
[swords clank, horses neigh]
Uh, uh, w-which one is he?
- The Black Knight.
- Black Knight.
Master Wells is a hobbyist.
If you want to
endear yourselves,
might I suggest you
call him Sir David?
Sir David.
Well done, Jackson.
- You all right?
- Fine.
[Wells] You the new challengers?
Uh, no, no.
Rick and A.J. Simon, Sir David.
Uh, we're private investigators.
Uh, we're looking into a jewel
thief known as The Jaguar.
And we understand you
were one of his victims
two years ago.
Yes, indeed.
That blackguard made off
with $2 million worth of
my wife's gem collection.
Of course, it was
insured, but, uh...
I mean, it was a violation.
A man's home
should be sacrosanct.
It should be his
refuge, his, uh...
Castle?
Exactly, sir, exactly.
What kind of
security precautions
did you have, sir?
Uh, guard dogs,
perimeter alarms?
Moats, drawbridges?
Well, now, in view of the fact
that ultrasonic nets
and motion sensors
and video monitors
didn't stop The Jaguar,
perhaps I should
consider a moat, huh?
Oh, but I'm well satisfied
the police are doing
everything they can.
Were any of the
jewels ever recovered?
Not a stone.
Whom are you working for?
Victim of circumstance.
Ah.
Aren't we all?
[A.J.] I tell you,
the security there
is tighter than Camp David.
The Jaguar must
be part escape artist,
part electronics
whiz, and part acrobat.
I remember when the
most exciting thing in my life
was finding the nest
of a keel-billed toucan.
Now I got mysterious brunettes,
crazed policemen...
Yeah, can we skip back
to the mysterious brunette?
She didn't give you a last name?
Just Michelle?
By the way, could I get
more of that pastrami
out of the refrigerator?
Yeah, I'm going to use
the bathroom for a moment.
Hold it right there!
No, that's my line.
Now you hold it, okay?
- [knock on door]
- Get that. It's London.
- Get that. It's London.
- Hey, Town. What's going on?
[London] Doc.
The detectives.
Town, what is this?
This is a search warrant.
Professor.
Detective London has
some questions for you.
I just have, uh, one, really.
Where were you last night
between the hours
of, say 8 and 10:00?
Uh, here at home.
You got, uh, witnesses?
Uh... no.
Just what happened last
night between 8 and 10
that you're so interested in?
A robbery. Yeah. Nice big one.
$100,000 worth of jewelry
from the Finnegan estate,
gone, kaput, I'm
talking history.
And the, uh, M.O., as they say,
is The Jaguar's.
This is ridiculous.
I am not a thief.
I am not The Jaguar. I...
Lieutenant, found it between
the mattress and the box spring.
- Well?
- Cuff him.
- This way, please, sir.
- Let's walk and talk.
You have the right
to remain silent.
If you give up the
right to remain silent,
anything you can say can
and will be used against you
in a court of law.
All right, now, Town...
It's done. It's
over. It's finished.
Drop it. Drop it.
There's no chance he's innocent?
None. He fenced the jewels
for the cash we
found under his bed.
Pan Pacific has a
one-way reservation
in his name to Tangier.
Oh, yeah, and there's
the, uh, eyewitness.
Somebody actually
saw The Jaguar?
Sylvia Finnegan, the heiress.
She saw him try to make
his getaway last night.
She also picked him
out of a positive I.D.
in a lineup.
Well, it, uh...
It's not impossible
to fool an eyewitness.
I mean, it was dark.
You know, good
makeup, good disguise...
You still think this man
is just a bird watcher?
Town...
Has it ever occurred to you
that this case is
just a little too pat?
No. It's two patsies...
You and you.
[Rick] There was only 3,000
bucks under your mattress.
It made such a big bump.
Yeah, a big, obvious bump,
but it was mostly 5s and 10s.
The Finnegan jewels
are worth 100,000.
3% hardly seems
worth stealing for.
It's not. 30 to 60%
is typical fence.
And you don't just
hawk hot stones
on the street corner.
Rocks that size
have pedigrees...
Colors, brilliance, flaws.
[A.J.] They get cut
down into smaller stones.
Settings get melted down.
Hey.
Jag, this is all old hat to you.
None of this is old hat to me.
I can't afford bail.
Nobody believes me.
You don't have to pick...
All right, look. We
are on your side,
and we're staying.
Now, if you want bail,
we'll arrange it through Marko.
Uh, but I'd wait until
you're really desperate.
Don't worry.
We'll get you out before then.
We'll just keep prying
under the corners,
and something will come loose.
Yeah, like that Finnegan chick.
Pretty convenient witness, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Her jewels have to be somewhere.
We'll get a description
from the police report.
How?
Detective London won't let
your friend help me anymore.
Well, there are other ways.
Some of these have dope in them,
some do not. Others did.
I don't know which is which.
Frankly, I do not care.
This is your problem.
The lab can sort it all out.
Once I give them to you,
it is up to you, not me.
I am not a field agent.
I do not like being
out in the field.
I am a records technician,
and I shall be extremely happy
when I can get back
to my filing cabinets.
Well, you keep
these in the box, pal.
Uh, one of them's
liable to get lost
and stepped on or something.
- Stepped on?
- Yeah.
I see.
In that case...
I will need...
a risk indemnification
rider for each item.
Hiya. Boyer. Vice.
You're disgusting.
Part of their evidence.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you mind
waiting your turn?
I am transacting
DEA business here,
and this gentlemen must sign
more than 100 forms for me.
All he's got to do is
check in my dirty pictures.
How about it?
You locals may
scoff at the rule book.
We at the federal level
take it much more
seriously, I assure you.
Ah, we better not mess
with this animal, son.
You tend to his forms.
I've done this before.
Thank you.
Sign the pink forms four times,
starting below the
perforation, if you please,
then countersign the
indemnification letter,
and we'll have to get
a notary down here
to put a seal on
these photocopies
on the second and fourth
pages before we separate them,
and then we'll have
to detach the file flag
and air freight these
forms to Washington.
Sign the green forms three times
and once on the reverse.
Each signature...
[A.J.] I think I'm
going to enjoy
being a member here.
I can't find my doubles
partner for the tournament.
I've never met her.
Maybe you know her.
Sylvia Finnegan?
Ah, Sylvia.
The mainstay of
the club's cocktail bar
each and every night.
The question should be
who doesn't know her?
Or better still, who
can afford her?
I hope you're heir
to a sizable estate.
Sylvia doesn't just burn
the candle at both ends.
She lights it in the middle.
Ah. Well, now, Robbie
led me to believe
that her family
was quite well off.
Flowers, gentlemen,
for the lapel?
Brightens up your day.
Well, that's a very nice idea,
but I'm afraid, unless
I can sign for it...
Oh, here. Let me.
- My treat.
- Great.
Is this a club tradition?
It is now, apparently.
Thank you.
Uh, $2.00 apiece.
That'll be $6.00.
Okay. And why don't
you buy one for yourself?
Thank you. Enjoy your game.
Thank you.
You were telling me about
the Finnegan finances?
There aren't any.
Precious metals. Sold short.
But then again, Sylvia was
always a resourceful woman.
Just be careful you don't
become one of her resources.
Oh, well.
I'm always careful around
beautiful women, right?
Though, of course...
if you know the price going in,
it can be worth the cost.
May I, uh, refill this for you,
whatever it might be?
The Blue Hawaii.
Bartender, give the lady
another one of these
funny-looking blue drinks.
Make it a double.
Hell, make it ultraviolet.
Let's see here.
Yeah, I do have
some of the green stuff.
I don't hardly ever
use this anymore,
especially not in business.
And what is your
business, Mister...
Simon. Rick Simon.
Petroleum products.
I commute out here
about five or six times
every month from Houston.
Got to blow out the old Lear
Jet every once in a while,
otherwise the compressor
fans lose their edge.
And you are?
Sylvia. Sylvia Finnegan.
Finnegan. Finnegan.
Now, are you by any chance
related to the Finnegans
who just sold the
Golden West Bank?
My father founded it, yes.
Well, I'll be damned.
Isn't that something?
You know, my
company has accounts
in your, uh, Boulder,
your Tucson,
and your Seattle branches.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Conglomerates do
make strange bedfellows,
- now don't they?
- Oh, yes, they do.
Oh, why you drunken ape.
Look at what you've done.
Allow me to clean up that stuff.
Just get out of the way now.
[Sylvia] Make it stop
leaking in my shoe!
[Rick] I'll be the
judge of that.
[Sylvia] I'm drenched!
Sorry, man. I beg your pardon.
All right, buddy. I think
you've had enough.
I just want to
apologize to the lady.
Come on, take a hike, pal.
Unbelievable. The
members that they let in now.
- Absolutely tacky.
- Isn't that something?
Back home, we'd
have had him lynched.
Excuse me.
Hi, Town. What are you up to?
Trying to get a little
sleep. Can it wait?
[A.J.] I'm afraid not.
It's really important.
One wallet.
$10.13 in cash.
Belt.
Pipe.
And one, uh...
Bird caller. Turdus viscivorus.
- [bird call]
- First time for everything.
I... I don't understand.
You're free. Released.
But my bail was $200,000.
Oh. That reminds me.
This isn't mine.
It's a note from the lady
who put up your bond.
She couldn't wait around.
Move it. Sylvia's probably
in the powder room right now
making a midnight
call to her broker
to check out my portfolio.
You were enjoying
your work so much,
I thought you might
take it home with you.
That's a pleasant thought,
but I'm afraid she is
a cautious investor.
Ahem.
Did you catch sight of
the mysterious brunette?
She's good. But she
can't be too far away.
This thing only has a range
of a few hundred yards.
Shall we reel her in?
Eh, let's keep
trolling for a while.
Now that we got her on the line,
we might learn something.
What did Sylvia have to say?
Oh, she loves to talk...
About her possessions,
about her fox gray
baby Mercedes,
her designer wardrobe.
Her credit card tabs.
Yeah, that was definitely
between the lines.
Anything in the purse?
Pair of ruby and
diamond earrings
that she reported stolen.
Mistake, you think?
Maybe.
But Town says the
insurance company's
already cutting a
check for the entire loss.
So Sylvia gets to have
her cake and eat it, too,
courtesy of The Jaguar.
I don't want to be
off the air too long.
Oh.
- Shall we?
- Yes.
- Investigations.
- [sigh]
At the beep, please leave
your name and number
and any message that you wish.
[beep]
This is John Wilbur.
That woman Michelle
posted my bail,
but she didn't wait.
[sigh] I'm at home.
Come over as soon as you can.
I... I won't leave.
Ahem.
Doc.
How did you get in here?
What is it you want from me?
I just thought you and me,
we could do a
little bird watching
down at that old
building you like so much.
- What?
- [gun is cocked]
You're not going to
need the book, Doc.
Come on.
Come on, come on. Let's go.
Come on.
[door closes]
[Rick] What finally
tipped you off, Ditto?
I tried everything...
X-rays, ultraviolet.
The binding.
- The stitching on the spine.
- Mm-hmm.
It's been redone.
Is that much of a job?
Oh, yeah. As soon as I noticed,
I called Buddy the Brush Man.
He's the only guy I know
who can take it apart,
and put them together
again almost perfect.
All right, so the cover
is the real McCoy,
but the visa pages are
from two different passports
- mixed together?
- You got it.
So there's some pages
from Wilbur's passport
and the visa pages
from The Jaguar's.
I guess. Mix and match
until you got a frame.
- The Jaguar? That's for real?
- Yeah.
You guys are after
the Jaguar? [laughing]
We are after somebody
who at least wants us to
think that he's The Jaguar.
- [A.J.] Or she.
- Or she.
Okay, Ditto. Thank
you very much.
Oh, uh, one more question.
Did Buddy the Brush
Man happen to mention
who the job was for?
He dealt with a
middleman. No names.
It was just a question.
Uh, where's Buddy located?
I have no idea. He's
got an 800 number.
- Yeah.
- 800?
Buddy is big time. He
recently incorporated.
I'll see you guys.
- Uh, yeah. Take it easy.
- Thanks.
Thanks again.
We don't have an 800 number.
[sigh]
Okay.
We know how. We
just don't know who.
Michelle?
Yeah. Might as well ask her.
What do you say we
jerk our fish into the boat?
Well, there's a
message from Wilbur
saying he's waiting
for us at his apartment.
Do you want to
yank now or later?
Why waste time?
Let go get your posy.
How soon you figure
before Town can put
The Jaguar on ice?
Oh, just as soon as
Wilbur gives it to us.
Hello, Professor.
Professor, I hear you've
got something I want.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
I thought you were
listening to a lot of music.
May I?
Where's the Professor?
He was gone when I
got here. Don't you know?
If he's gone, he's in trouble.
London's probably got him.
What would he be
doing with London?
He's out of jail.
You bailed him out.
- Don't you know?
- Know what?
London is The Jaguar.
Okay.
Yeah. Makes sense.
I mean, it's his case.
How easy to tailor a frame.
Then how do you
fit in to all this?
Check the I.D.
"Michelle Naughton,
Commonwealth United
Insurance Company."
It's pretty good.
Where did you get it,
Buddy the Brush Man?
It's real, but I can't
prove it sitting here.
I work freelance.
I recover stolen
goods for the reward.
Okay.
Then why all this song and dance
being a student of The Jaguar?
Why not just bag him?
Because I can't prove anything.
What do you mean? Prove what?
It's my theory that this
is all an insurance scam,
that The Jaguar's been
pulling off these robberies
with the collusion
of the victims.
And now he's rich enough,
and he's ready to retire.
And he's setting the
Professor up to take the fall.
So far, he hasn't
made a mistake,
so I threw a boomerang
into his plans,
hoping he would.
Yeah, I think bailing
the Professor out
accomplished that.
I would imagine,
if that's the case,
that Mr. London
wants to make it final.
That's what I was thinking.
What do you got there?
Just trash. It's a parking stub
for the Sternbach Building.
Isn't that where the
Professor's owl is nesting?
That's also where he saw London
for the first time last week.
Uh...
If it goes to trial,
which I doubt,
there's no jury that's
ever going to think
that you are a jewel thief.
See, that's what I keep say...
But why not find
somebody convincing?
Uh, this doesn't make any sense,
bringing me here.
How are you going to tie me up?
Put on one of
these on your wrist.
Oh, no. Not again.
I brought you here
because I need a little
time to get good and lost.
I'll give you a fat
little bank account
to make up for your trouble.
I don't want money.
An apology, then.
I mean, you're going to
have to wait here tied up
until someone
thinks to come look.
Come on. Let's go.
Rick, that's London's car.
[London] This owl of yours,
it what, likes the
heights or what?
Oh, yes, partially.
Also the seclusion.
Uh, oh, and the rodents.
You see, this building
is a ready source of food.
Yeah, I can see that.
Where, uh...
Where would it build
its nest, this owl?
Why do you want to know?
Well, in my line of work, I
got to know a lot of things,
and, uh, what you
do interests me.
Ah.
Besides, John, cats like birds.
Well, you see, it
took me about a week
to find the nest myself.
I saw the owl flying
in and out of those
open windows there,
and, uh, then I followed it
to the elevator shaft here.
You see?
Where's the bird?
Probably out foraging.
She had three eggs. I
think they've hatched.
Here we go, Doc.
Aah! Aah!
[screeching]
Hold it!
Aah!
[A.J.] Grab my
wrist. Grab my wrist.
I can't... [grunting]
I can't reach.
Come on.
Come on.
You guys found my clue.
Oh, my God. He
was going to, uh...
I mean, all the time,
he meant to have...
I know. I know. I know.
You're lucky to be alive.
That wasn't luck.
That was bubo virginianus,
the North American
great horned owl.
It's fiercely
protective of its young.