Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 4, Episode 16 - Simon Without Simon: Part 1 - full transcript

Success is never going
to spoil Simon & Simon.

Hold on to your hat size.

[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon...

You tell us your
life, we dress it up.

The public wants a hero.

Hello, Jack. How's Bermuda?

Rick and I have decided
that what each of us needs

is no longer what
both of us need.

We've got two problems...
Rick and A.J. Simon.

I want to know what you feel

when you're forced
to pull the trigger.



♪♪ [theme]

[Woman] Well, I guess we
better get this story on tape.

The President is at his
ranch over the weekend.

Am I up there in the pool?

No, I'm trying to coax
a weekend feature

out of 20 Romanian gypsies.

We'll do about three minutes.

Start wide.

They're getting too close.

They've got to
be looking for it.

You want to go back on board?

Just in case.

Come on. Hurry it up.

Don't worry about it.



It's not supposed to
shove off for another hour.

[ship's horn blows]

Never trust a shipping schedule

printed behind the Iron Curtain.

- Got it.
- Good.

[Man] Hey! Hey!

[speaking in native language]

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

We're going right down.

We just got to check
one more thing.

We'll be right down.
You got it. Oh, yeah.

Hurry.

This is Sally Edwards, dockside,

with The Weekend Show.

I've got Mr. Yoygen
Skridlew here,

cultural attaché

with the Bucharest
Folklorica Ballet,

which is just completing
its first American tour.

Mr. Skridlew, how about
some impressions of your tour?

We live to dance,
and we dance to live!

- [pop]
- [cheering]

No, no, not yet.

♪♪ [Balkan folk]

Art, we'll just go with it.

Something tells me this
is a little more serious

than dock workers
stealing popcorn.

I get the feeling this is
not the electronic brain

for a microwave oven.

I, uh, suggest we
skip the Port Authority

- and go straight to the feds.
- Yep.

They don't look
like spies, do they?

Have you got something
that belongs to us?

- Us?
- Yeah. Just hand it over.

Uh, well, if it's theirs,

I guess we really
ought to give it to them.

[gunfire]

Art, come on, come
on. Get a shot of this.

Suddenly, this
peaceful bon voyage

has been shattered by violence.

We don't know yet
who these gunmen are

or why they are fighting.

It's a life-and-death struggle,

and you are seeing
it live on Channel 3.

[police radio chatter]

We were working, um,

undercover for
the Port Authority,

and it was sort
of a pilfering case.

Someone had been stealing
crates of microwave popcorn

- for weeks.
- But when you realized

you had suddenly become,
in a very real sense,

soldiers in the Cold War,

you didn't hesitate to ask.

Uh, well, we, you know,
had to go with our instincts.

A couple of guys trying
to throw us off a ship,

it's always better
to be the thrower

as opposed to the throwee.

Can you believe this?

Talk about dumb luck.

Everybody with a
badge and an earphone

has been tracking
this gang for a year.

These two stumble
on them in the popcorn.

Geez.

The Stefan Molesko

has been impounded
by the U.S. Coast Guard,

its crew and
passengers detained.

Thanks to these brave men,

the free world will
sleep a little safer tonight.

Uh, well, actually, really,

we were just trying
to find the popcorn.

And... And the
microwaves and TV sets.

I talked with the
President's press secretary

just moments ago at
the western White House,

and although he had no comment,

his voice was
choked with emotion.

As this story develops,

one thing is already clear.

Yes. Thank you very much.

I... I appreciate it,

but I really think it's been
blown out of all proportion.

These are two men
to keep your eye on.

Look, I'll tell you what.

If my income goes up
between now and tomorrow,

I'll give you a call, all right?

- Bye-bye.
- [muttering]

- Oh.
- I propose a toast.

[phone rings]

- We did it.
- We certainly did.

What did we do?

Well, according to
Channels 3, 6, and 41,

we have just solved
the crime of the century.

- Hear, hear.
- Ha ha.

Okay.

Crime of the decade.

Recent memory.

Come on, Town, at
least give us the month.

I'll give you a week.

What do you mean?

In a week you're going to wish

this whole thing never happened.

What are you talking about?

Well, uh, fame's
a funny animals.

When you first get it,
she's a cute little puppy.

But once you start
feeding her, watch out.

You might find a rabid
beast will turn on you.

Give me a break, Town.

Hey, come on.

Success is never going
to spoil Simon and Simon.

I hope not, but remember,

once you've been alive at 5,

hold on to your hat size.

Yeah. Uh, a movie about us?

[laughing]

Could you hold on
just one second?

Get on line 2.
This is priceless.

[Man] Yeah, uh, A.J.?

Uh, yes. Sorry, Mr. Glaspiegel.

I'm right here.

Uh, hey, please call me Morty.

I'm right here, Morty. Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, excuse me,
Mr. Glas... uh, Morty.

Uh, would I know
any of your credits?

Well, of course!
I made a movie...

Maybe you saw Hitler's Sheep?

Uh, Hitler's Sheep?

No, I'm sorry.
I... I missed that.

How about Spiders From Mars?

Spiders From Mars?
I'm afr... I'm, uh...

Uh, we s...

Lot of money.
Made a lot of money.

Ah. Yeah. We caught
that recently on... on cable.

Sure you did. Hey...

Uh... I see... Uh, look... Uh...

Uh, Morty, can I get
back to you a little later?

Now, look, A.J., I want to
make this deal right away...

- Thank you.
- because I love you.

I l-love you, too.

- Ciao.
- Bye.

You actually saw something
entitled Spiders From Mars?

Oh, yeah. It was great.

See, these little dwarf spiders

get inside Rita
Talmadge's brain,

and at the end of the
movie, she explodes.

I still can't figure out
how the hell they did that.

It was a great effect.

Showed it to you twice, too.

Come on.

Oh, boy.

Let's get over to Lemon Grove.

See if we can stay
on Mr. Ferguson's tail

during his lunch break.

Come on, Rick.
Forget that stuff.

Most of it's stock portfolios
and investment plans anyway.

The rest of it's
written in crayon.

Some of it's not junk, though.

There's one here...

Expensive paper, engraved...

From the Robert Talbot
Agency, Beverly Hills.

Chk.

They're just going to try
and sell you insurance.

Nah-ah. Not these guys.

The Robert Talbot Talent Agency.

These are the people who
sold Kissinger's memoirs.

They got nine out of ten
on the Times' bestseller list.

These were the
people who first said

"Ron, you got no
future in the movies.

You better get into
another line of work."

I wonder what the
hell they want with me.

Rick.

Hey, come on. Work.

Yeah.

Rick, A.J., is it true
the President called

to express his
gratitude to you guys?

Uh, yeah. As a matter of fact,

that's who called this morning.

Yeah, the President of
the Point Loma's Lion Club.

A president's a president.

What was your mother's reaction

to your new fame?

She said not to let
it go to our heads.

Mr. Simon, is that a new hat?

No. I have a bunch of them.

You never know when
you'll get a bullet hole in one.

Excuse us. We
have to go to work.

Mr. Simon, is there
any truth to the rumor

that your agency is leaving
San Diego for a bigger city?

[laughing]

Look... Hey, let me make
something clear here.

My brother and I have our
feet firmly planted on the ground.

We intend to keep it that way.

Do you agree with that, Rick?

Sure. Why not?

Excuse me, Rick.

I hate to interrupt your
newfound interest in the news,

but we are both being
paid to tail Mr. Ferguson.

Would you mind keeping
an eye on his car?

Turn right.

Just trying to keep up
with the box scores here.

Oh, sure.

Boy, Town was right.

About what?

I think your puppy
is cutting teeth.

Yeah, well, yours fed
pretty well yesterday

here with the Bugle.

"The handsome,
nonchalant Andrew Simon

attributes his agency's..."
his agency's... "success

"to the many years of
studying and apprenticing he did

"with the major detective
agencies on both coasts.

"The well-tailored,
smooth-mannered Simon

- told this reporter..."
- All right. Okay, all right.

Look, at least I'm not
using my newfound fame

to increase inventory
in my little black book.

Oh. Oh.

Half the women in San
Diego are calling me.

Is that my fault?

The other half is
calling you, you know.

All right. Okay.

Okay, let's just keep our
head in the game, all right?

Where'd he go?

Oh, wonderful. We've lost him.

Well, we will find him again.

It's just another divorce case.

This toad's not
going to go anywhere.

He'll be out there hopping
the lily pads again tomorrow.

Mrs. Ferguson
cannot afford to wait.

Look, we are both being
paid to do a job here.

We both do it.

We were not both
driving the car.

Just because you lost the
guy, don't yell at me about it.

It wasn't just me who lost him.

You're sitting
here in the car, too.

B52s need a navigator,
not a Camaro! Geez!

You know exactly
what I'm talking about!

Mr. Fox.

How do you do? Austin Tyler.

And Mr. Williams.

Thank you for retaining me.

Don't thank us. Get us out.

Oh, that's been done.
You can leave with me,

once we've discussed
our relationship.

Now, here's the way I see it.

We've only got two
problems... Rick and A.J. Simon.

And I've always believed

that the only good
problem is a dead problem.

Yes?

Ohh...

After the day you've had,
I bet you deserve that.

Look, fella, whatever
it is you're selling,

just put it in a
nice long letter

and mail it to me, okay?

Larry Trowbridge,

American General Investigations.

The home office.

Just flew in from New York.

Well, I'm... I'm very flattered,

but if you're headhunting,
I'm happy as an independent.

All right.

I'll just skip to
the bottom line.

We're the largest private
investigation service

in the world.

We want you to head
our San Diego office.

50 highly trained
pros report to you.

$10 million in contracts

flow through that
office every year.

Your starting salary
will be 1% of that.

$100,000.

Okay, make it a
hundred and a quarter.

We want you.

Oh.

I'm honored that you
think that highly of me...

You're executive timber.

We want you
growing in our forest.

I'll return your
call at any hour,

even if you just want to talk.

I'll keep it in mind.

You didn't just buy insurance

from that walking
cufflink, did you?

No.

No. What was he selling?

Uh... pipe dreams, I think.

Here. Why don't you finish
that and grab a shower?

We got an all-nighter
ahead of us.

Uh, yeah, about the
stakeout, A.J., I've...

We are going to tie the ribbon
on Old Man Ferguson tonight.

All we need are
three candid shots

of him and the mistress
at the Cinema Spa Motel,

and we will never have to
look another divorce case

in the face again.

I'm only going to be
about half an hour late.

I'll be there before
they get in the tub

- and start the bubbler.
- Why?

Uh, well, actually, it's
this, uh, Robert Talbot.

You know, the guy who
wrote me... wrote us that letter.

I promised I'd see him
for about ten minutes.

Why don't you just come along?

Rick...

Mrs. Ferguson has four children

and no income.

She's losing the house.
She's already lost the car.

Now, what's important here?

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

40 minutes, tops.

[Man] After the novel,
maybe a TV series.

But that's down the road a bit.

Can we just go
back down the road

a little while here?

See, I'm... I'm not a writer.

My brother's a lot
better than me at that.

Why me?

Why you?

Why me?

Because you pop off the screen,

that's why you.

I knew it the moment

I saw that network piece on you.

Rick, we know
you're not a writer,

but you are something
more important.

- You're a hero.
- [laughing]

The public wants a hero.

And the public will buy a hero.

Forget about the writing
Don't worry about the writing.

We'll bring in a ghost. A ghost.

You tell us your
life, we dress it up.

Well, see, deal is I...

I don't do anything
without my brother.

I mean, as far as
business is concerned,

we're partners. That's it.

The book-buying public

likes to identify
with one person,

especially in a heroic context.

Research bears this out totally.

Well, that's my pitch.

Uh, let me just say one
more thing about heroes.

They don't have a
very long shelf life.

If we want to score with this,

we got to get you
out there, okay?

Personally, I think you
have a much better story

than that guy who's
trapped in a salt mine,

but it's either him or you.

Okay, binkie? You decide.

[exhale]

Look, Rick, I can't
tell you what to do,

but... Robert has
incredible instincts.

Now, I have seen him make
international phenomenons

out of truck drivers, bag boys,

people with a lot less
going for them than you.

[sigh]

Well, what do we do first?

Uh, when do we start?

Right now.

I'm yours for the whole night.

I've got a tape recorder.

We can go to... Well,
how about your place?

And start getting down
to the real Rick Simon.

Okay. Uh...

listen, you mind if
we make a stop first

at the Cinema Spa Motel?

Whatever you like.

[Woman giggling]

[Man] Who is it?

Night manager.

Yeah, what is it?

[A.J.] How you doing?

Uh, I'm Andy Twitchell.
I'm the night manager.

I understand you're
having a problem

with the color on Channel
7, the adult channel.

Forget the TV.

Are you sure you
want to do that?

I mean, we got a big
feature coming on at 9:00

in 3D. In fact, I'll be
dropping the glasses off

for you and the little
lady, uh, Mr. Eisenhower?

Or not.

[gagging]

[Man] Hey! What are you doing?

Hey! Get out of here!

Now, this is
what it's all about.

This boy nailed that guy

who was boosting
all the dog food

out of the Shop Tonite store.

Range 400 yards.

The signal-to-noise ratio
is minus 62db at least.

The arc sensitivity's
about 3 degrees.

Now, the stand here,
I made this myself.

See, it's just a spike here.

If you happen to be in a tree...

Rick, that's
terrific. It's terrific.

But it's kind of
technical for me.

- Uh-huh.
- Can we get back to the time

the five guys with the shotguns

had you backed
up against that cliff?

Oh, that. That was nothing.

But it reminds me, we used
voice stress analyzer in that.

- The, uh, Guaraldi 450...
- Rick?

What?

Sit down.

Ahem.

Ahem.

- I'm a reader.
- Mm-hmm.

I don't care about gadgets.

I care about what people feel.

I want to know what you feel

when you're forced
to... pull the trigger.

That's, uh, kind of
a tough question.

That's why people want
to read your answer.

Ah.

Do you feel it... in the gut?

In your heart?

Do you feel it in the
tip of your... finger?

Where do you feel it?

[sigh]

A.J., uh, this is Stephanie.

She's with the Talbot Agency.

That's my brother A.J.

Nice to meet you.
Uh, look, Rick,

I've got to catch the
red-eye back to L.A.

Give it some
thought. Give us a call.

We'll do lunch.

You've got a hell of a story.

I hope you do.

Listen, we went by
that Cinema Spa Motel.

You weren't there.

I guess you just missed me

and the man who tried to
strangle me in my own car

with a pair of pantyhose.

Ferguson did that?

He's a lousy stockbroker.
What happened?

What happened is
you never showed up.

Uh, well, I'm sorry about that,

but a lot's been going on.

I've got some tough
decisions to make.

So do I.

You going to take
Trowbridge's offer?

You know about that?

Well, he called
here about five times.

I got a little curious,
so I checked him out.

American General.

It's a big outfit. Big bucks.

Big reason not to tell me?

The reason I didn't tell you

is because it's none
of your damn business.

It is business. If the guy's
made us some kind of an offer,

I think you should
have said something.

He made an offer.
It wasn't to us.

Fine. I got one of
those myself tonight.

Yeah, I know about that.

I stopped off at
Ollie's to find you,

and I was told
that you'd gone off

to celebrate your big deal
with your Hollywood agent.

I'm cutting you
in on the royalties.

Look, A.J., all the
research bears it out.

Two-men teams just don't work,

especially not in
a... a heroic context.

All right. That's just some
bull I picked up tonight.

Tell you what's really
going on here. I...

I'm nearly 40 years old.

There's got to be something

between here and
Social Security,

and I got a peek at it tonight.

All I want is my shot.

Rick, every morning, you
take a shot at something.

You get up, and
you take a flying leap

at some stupid thing.

A.J., just because
the Book tells us

be thy brother's keeper,

it doesn't mean keep
your brother down.

You've always got an answer
for everything, don't you?

All right, well, you
answer me this one.

How come you never managed
to get your boat off my yard?

Huh? How come you never managed

to find your own place to live?

Answer me that. How come you...

Why don't you answer
some of your own questions...

How come you never
pay to kill your dog's fleas?

Why don't you make up
your mind and marry Liz?

Why do you sleep in a necktie?

Why are you always on my case?

All right.

I think we're both saying
the same thing here.

[picking up telephone receiver]

We're both off
each other's case.

[dialing]

[ringing]

Hello.

Mr. Trowbridge?

Yes. Who's this?

A.J. Simon.

I've decided to
accept your offer.

[door closes]

Why don't we set up a meeting?

Excuse me. Do you
mind if I have those?

Just for sentimental reasons.

Sure.

Thank you.

[sigh]

Oh.

Uh, here.

I'm sure you'll get more
use out of that than I will.

You're positive now.

Positive.

Well, there is a spot
in my new place.

This ought to be just perfect.

You know, you didn't
have to move the boat.

Ah, that's all right.
It's long overdue.

Probably be moving
on to a new one

pretty soon anyway.

Well, I guess this is it.

Just about.

- No hard feelings.
- No. No.

You?

No. I can't think of a one. I...

I can think of several.

Hi, Mom.

Mom, I... We would
have preferred it

if you hadn't come here today.

I know. You kids never liked me

stepping into your fights.

We're not fighting.

We're not kids anymore.

Then why is this
whole thing so childish?

- Oh, Mom.
- It is not, Mom.

This is about growth.

Now, Rick and I have decided

that what each of us needs

is no longer what
both of us need.

Well, then there's
nothing more I can say.

Sure there is. How
about, uh... good luck?

Oh, come here.

I hope you both know
what you're doing.

- We do.
- We do.

[exhale]

What are you going to do?

Uh, I'm going to go
down to Mazatlán,

work on the book
and, uh, and my tan.

[chuckle]

Uh, Bob says there
might be a network series

somewhere down the road.

Well, I'll be watching.

When do you move
in that big office?

Uh, I already have. Um,

in fact, you should
come and see it.

It's, uh... very big.

I'd like to.

- [phone rings]
- Oh, excuse me.

Simon & S... Hello.

Hi, Mrs. Ferguson. I...

I have some very
good news for you.

I have... I've just
become the, uh, the head

of the San Diego branch
of American General.

That's right. the one with
all the TV commercials.

Yeah. Anyway, I'm going to
be taking your case with me.

Yes. Uh, look, could I...

Could I call you back?

Okay.

Bye-bye.

That was Mrs.
Ferguson for me. Um...

Yeah. I figured.

[horn honking]

- Oh.
- [honking continues]

Uh...

there's a redhead out
there in a limousine

that could comfortably sleep 12.

Yeah. That's, uh, that's for me.

- I figured.
- Yeah.

Listen, uh...

I'll come back in
about a little while...

- Oh.
- Haul this junk out.

Yeah. Whatever. When...
You know, it doesn't matter.

Yeah, well, keep in touch.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

All right.

- Rick.
- Yeah.

[Austin Tyler] Come in, come in.

It's good to see you.

Yeah.

You're fine, we're fine,

the weather's fine,
the families are fine.

So much for the small talk.

What did you hear?

Good news, I think.

He thinks.

I can think.

For the money we're paying you,

you'd better know.

Oh, I do know.

That's how I've managed

to acquire three
floors of this building

and more than a hundred
eager junior partners.

I do know.

Now, I have a solution.

I've come up with a better way

to discredit Rick and
A.J. Simon's testimony.

You'd better hurry. They're
due to appear next week.

With what I'm working on,

they won't be appearing at all.

Thank you. I hope
you enjoy your book.

Yes. And your name?

Oh, this is for your daughter.

Last year he was a gas station
attendant near Bakersfield.

We brought on a couple
of pop psychologists,

they dreamt up some
nonsense about eating avocados

and avoiding depressing people.

Now he's got the season's
hottest self-help book.

It's a pretty big crowd.
Must be a good book.

- He's good.
- Mm-hmm.

- Knows how to work the room.
- Ah.

Just like you're going to do.

[laughing]

Uh, please, please.

I got a feeling
about you. I got a f...

Stephanie, what about
you, speaking as a woman?

Oh, as a woman, I
definitely have a feeling.

Hey.

Uh, I might
surprise you, Robert.

I mean, we may not even
need those ghostwriters.

I've been doing a
little writing on my own,

- just to limber up...
- Yeah, yeah.

Getting ready for
the sample chapter.

Good for you. Good for you.

I think we'd better
work on the cover art.

I got a packaging concept.

Oh, uh...

Eh? Oh, ha ha ha.

Hey. Hey.

Okay, Huh? What do you think?

Absolutely. A million bucks.

Absolutely. Oh.

That's it.

[intercom buzzes]

[buzz]

Hello.

Hello?

[Woman] Sorry to
disturb you, Mr. Simon,

but there's a Mrs.
Ferguson out here.

[whispering] Should I tell
her you're in conference?

Uh, no. Send her in, please.

[A.J. chuckles]

Mr. Simon, I can come
back if you're busy.

I know how it must be.

No, no.

Please, sit down. Here.

One of the reasons I'm
busy is because of you.

Three full-time
operatives on your case.

Yes, I... I know.

Uh, I spent the better part
of the morning with them.

Well, they're...
They're the very best.

I hand-picked them myself.

I'm grateful for that,

and please don't misinterpret
what I'm trying to say,

but, well, uh...

s-some of the questions
they're asking me

are... irrelevant.

I... I... I mean, you
and your brother

kept it simple and
straightforward.

What I'm trying to say

is I don't feel real
comfortable with them.

I'm sure they're simply trying
to be thorough, Mrs. Ferguson.

What kind of questions
exactly are they asking?

Well, um,

one of them keeps
asking me about our, um...

sex life.

- I see.
- [intercom buzzes]

Excuse me.

- Hello.
- Mr. Simon,

corporate headquarters
in New York on line 4.

Oh.

Look, I'm probably
just being silly.

- Oh...
- Thanks for your time.

No, wait, Mrs. Ferguson.

Uh, I will handle your
case personally myself.

W-Whatever you
decide, Mr. Simon.

That... That'll be fine.
Thank... Thank you.

I'll call you this afternoon.

Goodbye.

I'll call.

Hello, Jack. How was Bermuda?

"As I held his ugly stare,

"I knew the little
weasel was lying.

"It was the same
beady-eyed stare

"I'd seen in a
hundred sleazy alleys

from a hundred sleazy guys."

"Sleazy" has only one Z in it.

Oh, hey, Town. I
really appreciate

your letting me use
your office like this.

I'm going to put a big thank-you

in the Acknowledgments.

Well, I mean,

if the Medicis can
give Michelangelo

a few buckets of paint,

hell, this is the
least I can do.

Besides, we might be
talking Pulitzer here.

Thanks.

A little rough.

Yeah, I can imagine
that you're a little rusty.

After all, didn't you tell
me the last thing you wrote

was "How I Spent My
Summer Vacation"?

All right, go ahead.

They laughed at
Sidney Sheldon, too

Rick, nobody laughed
at Sidney Sheldon.

Hey, not on your case.

As a matter of fact,
I'm in your corner.

If you need an objective
eye, I'm here any time.

Thanks.

Oh, what the hell.
Might as well tell you.

There's a character
in the book...

A crusty but benign
black police lieutenant.

Plays tennis.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

What's he do?

Uh, well, he gets
shot in the first chapter,

but they're going to
talk about him a lot

through the rest of the book.

Good.

Listen, uh, you need
anything to tide yourself over?

What makes you think that?

Oh, nothing, except
that last night,

one of the patrol cars
reported seeing some guy

sleep in the power wagon

at the Shop Rite parking lot.

Oh. That. Well, uh,

Carlos and I had just gone out.

We'd bowled a few frames

and stopped off, you
know, had a couple.

I... I just... I didn't think

it would be a
good idea to drive,

so I went to sleep.

Sure.

Look, uh, A.J. and I

are going to grab a
bite after work tonight.

Why don't you join us?

Uh, gee, Town, I'd love to,

but, you know, I'm booked on
one of those radio talk shows.

I got to start
plugging the book.

Before it's written?

It's called packaging.

That's not a real catchy title.

It's not the name of the book.

You ready for the
name of the book?

Danger Man...

The Life and Adventures
of Rick Simon, Private Eye.

I didn't pick it.

Good.

Gentlemen,

let me start by saying
how happy I am to be here.

Uh, let me go on to say

that writing down
everything that I say

isn't going to do you any good.

Because an investigator's
best friend is his memory.

Suppose we can all remember that

without writing it down?

Okay. We're going
to start doing things

a little differently
around here from now on.

Let me tell you a little story

illustrating why
memory is so important,

how something that you thought
you'd never need to remember

might be the only thing

that's standing between
you and being killed.

I was working on
what on the face of it

appeared to be a perfectly
routine missing persons case.

"But then one man's
meat is another's poison,

"and I suddenly realized
as I held his ugly stare,

"the walking barbell was lying.

"It was that same
Wild Kingdom look

"I'd seen before in a
thousand stinking gin mills

from a thousand putrid guys."

Rick, this is trash.

Well, I know it's
not the kind of thing

you'd like to curl up with, Mom,

but there's a place
in the market for it.

Mm-hmm... the trash
bin behind the market.

I won't be able to go
through a checkout lane

if this thing is
sitting in a stand.

I'll have to have
my food delivered.

I bet Mickey Spillane's
mom was proud

to go to the
neighborhood supermarket.

Oh, Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I just have to get
used to the idea.

I did like the part

where the detective
got even with the fella

who beat up all the strippers.

That was good.

You coming?

No, that won't be necessary.

This phase is yours.
Mine is in court.

In any case, your partner's
anxious to get it over with.

May as well give him
a little taste of fame.

Observation,

which is the
essence of a stakeout.

That and waiting.

Tell you what.
Here's a little trick

to help keep you awake.

Never listen to anything
you like on the radio.

You always want to listen to
something really obnoxious.

Otherwise, it'll
take your mind off it.

If you get something
really obnoxious...

- Right there. Watch this.
- with Mel Toomey.

We call them as we see them.

You call us like you see them.

Tonight, our topic is adventure.

No, we don't have that
boring lady from the zoo

- with her damn marsupials.
- I hate this guy.

We've got a real treat tonight.

Sitting with me is a man
who many times has come

face-to-face with
the Grim Reaper

and made him give change.

Let's have a warm
On the Box welcome

to Danger Man...

Mr. Rick Simon, private eye.

Good evening, Rick.

[Rick] Mel, I just
want to tell you

that I've been on the
other side of this box

on many a lonely
evening's stakeout,

so it's, uh, it's
a real pleasure

to be here on the
box, in the flesh.

We'll get things going
now with our first call.

Hello, citizen.
You're on the box.

[Woman] Rick, I'm
Darlene from Chula Vista...

Uh, Mr. Simon, we'd
better get our lenses ready.

- Shh, shh, shh.
- They're coming...

[Darlene] And I
just wanted to...

[Rick] Been following
the story, huh?

[Darlene] It's been
all over TV, too.

I watch it a lot.

[Mel] Get to it,
Darlene, get to it.

[Darlene] Everyone's talking
about you and your brother...

You know, the sexy blond fella.

[Rick] Yeah, I think
I can place the face.

- [Mel] Okay, Darlene, let's...
- They're getting in the car.

Would you be quiet?

[Darlene] The problem
with being single

is you never get to
meet the kind of...

[Mel] You're straying a
little bit from the point.

What's the question?

[Darlene] Um, I
would like to know

what A.J. Simon
is doing these days.

[Rick] That's a tough one,

since I'm not my
brother's keeper,

although he could
certainly use one.

Ahh.

See this?

It's trash, Ol.

It is trash, too.

It's worse than that.
It's incoherent trash.

Hey, Rick, whatever it is,
it'll be okay in the morning.

Morning?

That's when I got to
face the music, old pal.

I have to turn the damn
thing in in the morning.

What did you do?

You rent a car and dent it up?

Yeah.

Yeah, I dented
something up, all right.

Something real good.

Something to be proud of.

Something to love.

Go home, Rick.

Home?

That's real good, Ol.

That's real good.

Ha ha ha ha!

What are you doing here?

This is my
neighborhood, remember?

Your old neighborhood.

Any law against me
stopping by for a nightcap?

Been working late?

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

It's my bar, remember?

I could buy you a drink.

Thank you very much.

I can afford to
buy my own drink.

I can even afford
to buy you a drink.

Don't be an idiot. I'm
on an expense account.

So am I.

[laughing] Yeah.

He's been running a tab here...

Who asked you, civilian?

Buy me baby brudder a drink.

Excuse me. You moved.

That makes you the guest here.

I'd like to buy him
a drink, please.

I'm going to buy you a drink.

- I'm buying you a drink.
- I'm gonna buy you a drink!

Look, look here!

If it'll get you two out
of here any quicker,

they're on the house.

In that case, make it a double.

Make it a double double.

Always works.

Ohh...

That's a nice suit.

Thank you.

So...

This is how you did it, huh?

Yeah.

I always wondered

how you found your
way home like this,

how you found your
way in the dark like this.

[A.J.] Gee.

Yep.

- Never getting lost.
- Yep.

Never falling in the canal.

Rick?

A.J.

Look at me.

What do you see?

A wet drunk.

You see the way
Man... With a capital M...

First climbed out of
the primordial ooze...

Ahh... And took
his first halting steps

onto the beach of life.

Here you are.

And do you know what sound

first came out of
that prehensile jaw?

You want some coffee?

Wrong.

The first sound that came
out of that prehensile jaw

when the pathetic
creature first realized

that he was condemned
to spend all of his life

watching his favorite
albums be shrink wrapped...

[blows raspberry]

forced to play the national
pastime with an aluminum bat...

You know what Man
cried out to the heavens

in pain and in fear and in need?

Tequila!

Grant us... tequila!

That's the most beautiful
thing you've ever said.

Thank you.

And I... I happen to remember
where you hid a bottle.

Turn clockwise.

It was open.

[A.J. laughs]

Whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoop.

Hmm.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA