Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 3, Episode 14 - Dear Lovesick - full transcript
Read between the lines.
There are a lot of nuts
out there, Mr. Simon.
[Rick] Yeah, and they all
seem to have your address.
[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon...
Let's not disturb the nest. Just
wait and see who comes out.
Satisfy yourself, but just
don't do anything terribly cruel.
I'm sorry. Our Ménage
à Trois suite is booked.
You guys are really hard up.
We on the air?
Yeah. It's coming
in loud and clear.
[beeping]
♪♪ [theme]
- [Man] Dear Kate, - [typing]
I'm at the end of my rope.
I love her beyond belief,
yet I know that our love
can only end in tragedy.
Today she told her
husband about our affair.
How cruel irony is.
They met at the same golf course
where we spent so many happy hours.
He went insane, just
like I told you, Kate,
and now I'm afraid
for my dear one's life.
Her husband
threatened to kill her.
He will, too.
Must I watch helplessly?
Signed, Lovesick In La Jolla.
Mm-hmm! [chuckling]
I didn't think he would do it.
- I honestly didn't think
he would do it.
- Come on. Will you just relax?
In an hour, you're gonna be
center court, munching on a hot dog,
watching Dr. J,
so just calm down.
It's just a basketball game.
Well, with Town,
nothing is just a anything.
Remember "just a few beers
and a movie" last month?
Hey, was it Town's fault
he spotted a wanted fugitive
in the lobby buying jawbreakers?
Okay, how about "just a quick stop
on the way to the Chargers game?"
- Did you know that Mexico
was on the way to the stadium?
- Okay, okay, okay.
But you gotta admit, Town
always gets good seats.
Yeah. Trouble is by the time you
get to the game, the season is over.
Well, nothing's gonna
go wrong tonight.
I spotted him an extra hour.
Good. This must be his place.
Nothing is going to go wrong?
- ♪♪ [jazz]
- [chattering]
Let's have a look around.
He's working.
[no audible dialogue]
Police! Hold it
right where you are!
I said, police!
Back off!
Hey, there's a phone over
there if you wanna call the cops.
I am a cop.
And there are more cops
on their way right this minute.
- Hi, guys.
- Town.
- Hello.
- Look, my backup's
a little late.
- Raise your right hand.
- Are you joking?
Raise your right
hand! Come on, man!
- Repeat after me... "We're deputies."
- We're deputies.
- You're deputies.
- Okay, which one do you want?
- All of them?
- All of them?
- Oh, my God.
- You have the right
to remain silent.
- [yelling]
- Anything you say can and will
be used against you
in a court of law.
Looks like they got
everything under control here.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, you guys been
off the streets lately.
- Slow month?
- Well, not anymore.
Got a case today. Really
hot. We start on it tomorrow.
As a matter of fact, it's
a well-known journalist.
You ever hear of Kate's Korner?
Kate Franklin,
advice to the lovelorn?
- Yeah.
- You guys are really hard up.
Why? You know her?
The whole department does.
She heads our "cry wolf" list.
Every time some poor wife
writes she's afraid of her husband,
Kate wants to call the
SWAT team on the guy.
- Overactive imagination.
- [sighs]
Well, we'll only
miss the first half.
- What?
- Say what?
We gotta go downtown and
finish the paperwork on this.
- Paperwork? Wait a... Hey!
- "We," Tonto?
- Yeah. You're deputies.
- Wait. We're not getting
paid for this.
Of course you are. I'm taking
you to the game, aren't I?
- [Rick] Aww!
- [pager beeping]
[groans]
[Woman] Dr. Leckowitz.
Paging Dr. Leckowitz.
- Dr. Leckowitz?
- [laughs]
I don't know why I keep
getting this guy's calls.
Well, could be 'cause
that thing is highly illegal.
- Illegal? Uh, uh, no. What?
- Paging Dr. Leckowitz.
No. Carlos is just
waiting for the license.
But you know how
backlogged the FCC is.
[Rick] Mrs. Franklin, when you said
that you'd already been to the police,
you neglected to mention
that that was 57 times.
So they told you I had
an overactive imagination.
Well... Well, uh,
they did mention something
about a necktie strangler
who turned out to be a harmless
high school biology teacher.
Well, what was I to think? The man
mentions dissection in at least 50 places.
The leering reference
to, uh, spore division.
He was a ticking time bomb.
We're not questioning your
credibility, Mrs. Franklin.
It's just that perhaps you're
reading more into the
situation than actually exists.
Exactly. Read between the
lines and hear the cries for help.
I have spent 20 years
climbing this mountain,
and with each step
I find new crevices...
Deeper, darker corners
of the troubled soul.
There are a lot of nuts
out there, Mr. Simon.
Yeah, and they all seem
to have your address.
Well, there are bright moments.
You remember the plumber who
walled up his wife in Chula Vista?
My column tore that wall down.
They're reconciled, living in
a trailer in Lake Havasu City.
You're not married, are you?
Me? No. No, ma'am.
Yeah, I knew it.
You sure could use a woman's
eye picking out those clothes.
Those colors are
all wrong for you.
I have somebody
I want you to meet.
She'd make a wonderful
wife. How about you?
Uh, no, thanks.
I'm already married.
Oh. Here are the clips
from the issues the
letters appeared in.
Yeah.
One more thing, when
these letters come in,
are they published
just as they're written,
or do you, shall
we say, edit them?
Look, I know how to grab
a headline when I need one.
I'm a responsible
journalist. Sigma Delta Chi...
Okay. I feel as
guilty as Lovesick.
I let this thing
get out of hand.
I should've advised him
to end the affair right away.
But instead, you milked
it, and now you're afraid
it's, uh, turned sour.
Now that we know
we're all bottom-liners,
could we get to work?
Find the man who did this?
See if he's telling the truth?
Is her husband crazy
enough to commit murder?
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
I'm beginning to
think Kate is right.
There really is something
weird going on here.
Yeah, and we're the
mules she's using to write up
some loony's fantasy mountain.
Now, look. Everything
that the guy writes
indicates that he's
insane with love,
he's plagued with guilt,
and he's scared to death.
Wonderful. He'd make a
great Johnny Cash, June.
- But, but, but, but.
- But why do we have to... What?
Each of the letters has
been methodically typed.
I mean, very
carefully corrected.
Now, does a guy
who's waiting to be shot
worry about his spelling?
Maybe he's an English major.
The guy reads like
a textbook gigolo.
"Met her on the golf course.
Played her like a par three."
I mean, he's letting
himself be wined and dined.
She's bought him
clothes. She's taken him to
exclusive little
Mexican hideaways.
We've got a great skeleton here.
There's no meat on the bones.
Ooh.
Here's a little rib to gnaw on.
She bought him... and I quote...
"a new Italian sports car
for my birthday last week.
[clicks tongue]
"Tears were in my eyes
as we road up the coast
"and parked on the lonely beach
with the top down so
we could watch the stars."
Aw.
I think I'm gonna be
sick. [exhales forcefully]
[Rick] I can't believe
there are seven people,
including a nun,
who own Ferraris.
[A.J.] Well, that's
La Jolla for you.
[Rick] Here's something.
Mrs. Gavin Shelley,
high-rent address,
personalized license
plate... MYGUY7.
[sighs]
Wrong plates.
[Rick] Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. To the rear.
Well, looks like we
found both of them.
Should we try a
little room service?
[Rick] Ah, you know what kind of
movies they show in these places.
Nobody's allowed in
after the first ten minutes.
No, let's not disturb the nest.
Just wait and see who comes out.
- Oh, no.
- "Oh, no," what?
Who is your favorite
retired minor league pitcher
turned sleazeball private eye?
[Rick] Manny Cuco.
Wouldn't you know it?
[Manny] Ricky! What a surprise.
Manny! How's the slider?
Good enough to brush
you back seas, girl.
[Rick laughs]
- Ooh.
- Are we on the job here,
or just waiting for a vacancy?
[Rick] Who you
working for, Manny?
Funny. I was just gonna
ask you the same thing.
Great minds run
in the same gutter.
Aha!
Well, Manny, it's been nice looking
at your toys, but we've gotta run.
- We got a fish on the line.
- Funny. I got a couple
on the line, too.
See ya, man.
I think we found yours.
Make yourselves
comfortable, guys.
[blows] We're going for a ride.
- ♪♪ [loud Latin jazz]
- Pay 'em off, Cuco.
Turn down that
damn jungle music.
We don't wanna
attract attention.
- You know why I hire men
like Manny Cuco?
- [radio off]
We were willing to put
it down to bad judgment.
I hire him because
he's a hopeless swine
who'll do anything for money.
And what sort of hopelessly
swinish things does he do for you?
Just what he's doing...
Keeping punks like you
from trying to blackmail me.
Just how much did you think
you were gonna get anyway, huh?
Huh? How much?
How would you like me
to take that golf club...
[A.J.] Now, look, Mr. Shelley,
if you don't believe us, why don't you just
go on down to the paper and check it out?
Kate Franklin's been leading her
column with that story for over a month.
Besides, we weren't in that
motel room with your wife.
Why lean on us?
Because at last count,
I was worth a little
over 18 million.
And I'm gonna keep
it. You understand?
My wife is 38 and
very dear to me.
We have an open marriage,
and I want her to enjoy it,
including having her fill
of muscle-bound bunnies.
You see, I have no illusions,
only my money and my good name.
And you two clowns
aren't getting either.
Move the truck, Cuco.
And tell my wife I
can't play golf today.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna
find those papers you were talking about,
and my lawyer and I
are gonna read them,
and then he's gonna get me 10
ways to break your backs, legally.
[engine starts]
[tires screeching]
[Kate] What a
perfectly awful man.
My instincts were
right on the button.
Well, I mean, Gavin
Shelley is a tough,
vulgar, blustering nut,
but that doesn't necessarily
mean he's a killer.
I mean, after all,
he hired someone
to watch his wife cheat on
him and keep prying eyes away.
He doesn't care what she does.
Can't believe he's
threatening her.
We can't just drop it.
No. We'll talk to Steven Lacey.
We waited at his
place for two hours.
He never showed up.
We'll get him tomorrow.
Maybe he's just writing
you letters for laughs.
- I don't think so.
- Mmm.
Anybody else want
another cup of coffee?
No, thank you.
Rick, next time you make
it, try putting a little salt in it.
- Salt?
- Didn't your wife ever
teach you that little trick?
My wi... No.
No. See, because my
wife, uh, doesn't drink coffee.
Maybe use a little less water.
I think it gives
it a richer flavor.
- [phone ringing]
- Fine.
Hello.
Yeah. Just one minute, please.
- It's for you, Kate. Your editor.
- Oh.
Excuse me.
Hello.
[effeminate tone] Why is it you never
ask for a second cup of my coffee?
God Almighty.
Laurel Shelly is dead.
They've arrested her
husband for killing her.
[A.J.] Well, whatever they
wanted, they sure wanted it bad.
- Who found it?
- [Kate] The city editor. About 8:30.
He reported it, but I
wanted you to see it first.
Kate, we don't wanna touch
anything till the police get here.
Now, is there anything that
a thief might've been after?
Nothing worth taking.
Just my files and...
Oh, sometimes people
send me little things,
you know, to thank me.
- Nothing, really.
- Okay.
Then it's possible this has something
to do Laurel Shelley's murder.
Remember, I said the
Lovesick killer's innocent?
I mean, Gavin
Shelley is innocent.
You don't murder
your wife after you know
the whole city's following
the story in the newspaper.
The guy's smarter than that.
He's been set up.
And whoever did it probably
wanted something in here.
What?
Well, we don't know,
but we'll find out.
I wonder how they got in here,
right under the noses of the night shift.
Probably the same way we do.
[snoring]
[snores]
[groans]
I forgot. I'm sorry.
Honest to God.
Forgot what, Manny?
What's your blank?
Fill it in. I'm good for it.
Satisfy yourself, but
just don't do anything...
terribly cruel.
[A.J.] Us? Cruel, Manny?
You're the one that travels
around with a potato peeler.
[chuckles] That
was in the old days.
What are you two comadrejas
doing in my bedroom?
Easy. That bat's irreplaceable.
That is the very bat I used to
bang a low slide out of the park
off Mongo Destasica.
We took the pennant
from Duluth, '72.
[A.J.] Someday, Manny,
if you can still swallow,
which I doubt, we'll
buy you a light beer,
and you will tell us
the story of your life.
Right now, however,
you're going to tell us why you
trashed Kate Franklin's office.
Me? Why would I do that?
Don't ask us, Manny.
You're the one did it.
Hey, Rick, come on. Now,
look, Manny's gonna cooperate.
Let's just be careful
with that thing.
You can crush a man's
skull with one of those.
- Yeah, I know.
- Hey. Rick.
I think maybe it's a little too late to
be civilized about this, you know?
What do you mean, "too late"?
Why, it's... it's only noon.
Well, 1:00.
You know, this bat has
a very good feel to it.
Yeah.
It's a real long ball bat.
Real good feel.
[A.J.] Take it easy
now, Rick. Take it easy.
A.J.,
I got that old weird feeling
coming over me again.
- I know. I know.
- I think I'm gonna do it.
- No. Come on, Rick. Wait. No, no, no!
- Yeah, I'm gonna do it.
[shouts in Spanish]
Manny, when he gets
like this, I can't stop him.
- So come on. Please.
- But I'm telling you the truth!
I am no longer on the case!
After Shelley
talked to you, I quit.
It started to get tricky.
- I've been here all night!
- [yelling]
Ask my old lady!
[Rick] My hunch is Manny
didn't get out of that bed all night.
[A.J.] That's not a hunch. That's
one of the Ten Commandments.
[Rick] We only got one
more man in the lineup.
[A.J.] Steve Lacey.
[Lacey] Of course
Gavin Shelley killed her.
The guy is a
schizophrenic monster.
I've known this would
happen for months.
Why didn't you stop seeing her?
We were in love.
Why didn't she
leave her husband?
She was terrified of him.
Afraid to stay, afraid to go.
We were so desperate, we...
You're gonna laugh at this.
We wrote to one of those "advice to
the lovelorn" columns in the newspaper.
Kate Franklin?
All she could do is
offer us platitudes.
I don't know what we expected.
Have you told all
this to the police?
You know, they seemed to know.
I mean, I signed all the letters
"Lovesick In La Jolla."
I guess the patter was obvious.
Yeah, I read those. Uh...
You wrote that
Shelley threatened her.
Now, were these actual
physical threats from Shelley?
I don't know whether
you've met the man,
but all he has to do is arch
his eyebrows, and it's a threat.
They say he snapped her
neck like a chicken bone.
I betcha he enjoyed it.
[buzzes] Sergeant Brian.
Look, I'm gonna be deeply
undercover for the rest of the afternoon.
Yeah, that's right. Oh,
and, Brian, would you call
the racquet club and tell them
I'm gonna be a few minutes late?
Thanks a lot.
Mm-mm-mm.
Corruption, misfeasance,
malfeasance.
You can't trust
anybody these days.
[clicks tongue]
Look at this. Playing tennis
on the taxpayer's money.
How do you do that
with a clear conscious?
I don't. It's not
a perfect world.
- Mmm.
- Guilt's a thing
you learn to live with.
Are you gonna get out of my
way? I'm talking mixed doubles.
Absolutely. But first
of all, I need a favor.
You're Rick. You're here.
Of course you need a favor.
Unfortunately, though, I've
got all the life insurance I need.
Or is it encyclopedias?
Cute. It's Gavin Shelley.
Get me in to see him.
I can't do that. I don't have
anything to do with that case.
Right, right. You're a
disinterested third party.
Plus, if you stand here and argue
with me, you're gonna lose your court.
Look, man, I'm not Houdini. I just
can't snap my fingers and doors open.
No, you're a cop.
Infinitely better.
Come on, Town.
How often do I ask?
- Rick, I got you into
the Point Loma submarine base.
- Mm-hmm.
- I got you into
the Willie Nelson concert.
- Yeah.
About the only thing I haven't gotten you
into around here is the mayor's offices.
No, you did that, too.
Remember the explosion?
Oh, that's right.
I'd actually tried to
block that out of my mind.
Now, all I need is half an hour.
Fifteen. No, no.
- Ten minutes, tops.
- Ten minutes?
- That's right. Less if you can manage it.
- Oh, come on, Town.
Now just relax. Nobody's
even gonna look at me twice.
The judge would. His
instructions were crystal clear.
- Absolutely no visitors
except his...
- His lawyers.
And nobody notices lawyers.
People actually try
not to notice lawyers.
They're kind of like, uh, laws.
The judge is gonna enjoy hearing
your theory on jurisprudence.
I'm not having to twist
your arm real hard.
You don't think
Shelley did it, do you?
Why is it you always know
when I agree with you?
It's a gift.
Why are you here?
'Cause you didn't do it.
The way you put that,
you must know something.
People. They're not neat,
but the frame around you is
hung with a carpenter's level.
If Kate Franklin hadn't hired
us, the picture'd be perfect.
- You would take the fall.
- What's it to you?
Well, last night, somebody
went through her office
like a 7.7 quake.
They were looking for
something, and it wasn't her file
on "my husband likes
to wear dog suit" letters.
Whoever framed you doesn't
think their work is done.
If we can figure out why, we can figure
out who, and you can walk out of here.
I thought it was obvious.
Steven Lacey. He
wrote the letters.
What's he got to gain?
[sighs] I'm out of the way.
Yeah.
But she's dead.
[Clergyman] "'I am the
resurrection and the life, '
"sayeth the Lord.
"'He that believeth in me
"'though he were
dead yet shall he live,
"and whosoever liveth and
believeth in me shall never die.'
"For as much as it hath
pleased Almighty God
"to take unto Himself
the soul of our friend,
"Laurel Shelley,
"we commit her
body to the grave.
"Earth to earth, ashes to ashes,
"dust to dust.
"In the sure and certain hope
"that as she is born
the image of the earthly,
she shall also bear the
image of the heavenly."
[beeping]
[beeping stops]
[Rick] Mmm.
[A.J.] That's Melissa Shelley,
Shelley's daughter
by a previous marriage.
How old is she?
Uh, 20 years old. Let's see.
She's a junior at Rutledge
College. It's a private school up north.
- She came down for the funeral.
- Hmm.
She looks pretty upset.
Uh, a little too upset.
Well, I overheard
some of the relatives.
They weren't buying
her performance.
- Laurel Shelley
was her stepmother.
- [phone ringing]
Hello.
Oh, hi, Kate. How you doing?
Uh, hold on.
Just hold on.
Let me get A.J. over here.
I finally got around
to yesterday's mail.
There's another letter here
from Lovesick In La Jolla.
I mean, Steven Lacey. It's
postmarked two days ago.
Anything new?
A lot of it sounds like
what he wrote before.
"The end of my
rope, a tragedy"...
But there's this one
part about a golf game.
He says that Gavin and
Laurel played golf that day.
He says that's where
Gavin made his last threat.
Wait a second. He
postponed that game.
He never went. Are you sure
it's postmarked the day she died?
Yes!
How do you explain that?
Maybe Steven Lacey can.
- Lacey?
- Big swan dive.
Anybody see it?
You mean, anybody give
him a hand out the window?
We don't know. A
pretty big guy to handle.
Well, we know it
wasn't Shelley this time.
He's still a guest of the city.
Maybe he died of a broken heart.
- Among other things.
- Up here.
Suicide note's
in the typewriter.
[A.J.] "Can't go on
living without Laurel."
Same typeface as
the letters to Kate.
[sighs, clicks tongue]
A guy his age.
Physical fitness freak.
I don't know. It's just...
kind of hard to believe he'd want to bounce
that body off the sidewalk like that.
- Yeah, but there's no sign
of a struggle.
- Yeah.
And it would take
a real big dude to
overpower him and
throw him off the balcony.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Besides, the door was locked.
There's no bolt on
the inside, Town.
Somebody could've
slammed that on their way out.
There's nothing
here that doesn't say
he just didn't take a
short walk off the balcony.
[sighs]
[clicking]
- Hey, guys.
- [Rick] Yeah?
Take a look at this.
What do you got?
Why would a guy who's planning
to walk off his own balcony
leave his video recorder
on to tape an old movie?
'Cause he wasn't gonna
be here to watch it live?
[muttering]
[laughing]
What did I tell you? Yes.
Arnold, you haven't
told us anything yet.
- I haven't?
- Mm-mm. Not yet.
Why not? It's right here...
Everything we need.
Uh, the suicide note
and the letter
from Mr. Sick Love.
Whoever wrote these letters...
he didn't write the suicide note.
How can you tell that?
Uh, look.
You see,
everything typed on
the same machine,
always the same
correcting, electric.
But always in the letters.
Under the microscope,
you see M and N's "perverted."
- "Reverted"?
- Yes!
He mixes up his M's
and N's... this person.
Hitting one when should
be hitting the other,
so they go backwards.
Then, ping, he
makes the correction.
But under the microscope,
the evidence from the mistake
always remains on the
paper like a fingerprint.
But in the suicide note?
No such evidence. No.
[Rick] Which proves
that he was murdered.
By a giant?
And the only giant
in this case is in jail.
It's from the Del Playa
out on Vista Point.
In the Kate Franklin
Traveler's Guide,
it's known as a three-star resort
hotel with a one-star restaurant.
- Oh.
- Very exclusive.
And very expensive, I would
imagine, for an aerobics instructor.
Yeah, well, we
ought to check it out.
There was a whole bunch of
these in his medicine cabinet.
Looks like he was spending
some rather serious time out there.
Wouldn't surprise me.
The Del Playa's known
as a safe playground
for the rich.
Laurel Shelley probably
took Steven there
for private aerobic sessions,
if you know what I mean.
A.J.?
Seen that Eldo
convertible before?
Yeah.
He's not staying with us.
- Hi. Excuse me.
- Yes?
No. Let me guess.
- Two rooms, connecting door.
- No.
I'm sorry. Our Ménage à Trois
suite is booked till Christmas.
We don't want the
Ménage à Trois suite.
I don't blame you.
That crack will cost
you half a star, pal.
[loudly] We're private
investigators, and we're looking for...
[guests gasping, murmuring]
looking for information
on this man.
Uh, yes.
He used to come here
quite regularly with his... wife.
A very beautiful young woman.
Very tall, long blonde hair.
- Long blonde hair.
- Like this?
Ah, yes. That's her.
Thank you.
Maybe she duped Lacey into killing
her stepmother and framing her father.
- Is that possible?
- Possible? Yes.
But it still doesn't tell us
who killed Steven Lacey.
[singsong voice] Come out,
come out, wherever you are.
It is just that we would
feel more comfortable
if we knew that you
were safe with Mom.
It's very unfair of you to
impose on your mother this way.
No, you don't understand.
We're not imposing.
Really, truly. I mean,
we do this all the time.
Yeah. Mom's used to it.
You should read the
letters from mothers who
feel their children
take unfair advantage.
Unfair advantage?
Us? Don't be ridiculous.
This one mother wrote her
children were always in trouble.
Calling her up in the
middle of the night
to have her bail
her sons out of jail.
Embarrassing her in
front of her men friends.
Well, yeah. But, I
mean, you know, it's...
I know that's not you.
- What'd you tell her to do?
- I told her to let them rot
in the slammer next time
to teach them a lesson.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Of course, it didn't do any good that
they just moved here from Guatemala.
She was the only one
who spoke English.
Yeah, well, here.
Right this way.
These are yours.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
There you go.
Mom!
Mom!
[Cecilia] I'm out on the patio!
After you.
- [Rick] Hi.
- [Cecilia] Hi, darling.
- How long you been here?
- About 20 minutes.
Mom, this is Kate Franklin.
Kate, this is our mom.
- Mom, Cecilia.
- [Cecilia] How do you do?
I was just chastising your sons
for imposing on you like this.
Oh, don't be silly. I'll be
the toast of the canasta club.
- Hi, Mom - Hi, honey.
- [beeping]
- [groans]
[Woman on pager]
Dr. Leckowitz, please.
Dr. Leckowitz, please.
Dr. Leckowitz, please. Dr. Leckowitz,
please pick up your page.
Marlo?
- Marlo!
- Marlo.
- Marlo, come here.
- [Marlo whining]
Marlo, come here! Come on, boy!
- Come on, boy. You okay? Huh?
- [whining]
Geez, for a minute
there, I thought you were
on your way to that
big kennel in the sky.
My home is gone.
Well, A.J., look at it this way.
Worth getting bombed to get rid of
that lousy oil painting you had over there.
Thank God you weren't in
here and nobody was hurt.
Oh, Mom, we're okay. We're okay.
Hey, it's okay.
It's all right, it's all right,
it's all right, it's all right.
It's okay.
A.J., it had radio-controlled.
I bet this beeper set it off.
Remind me to write the
good doctor a thank-you note.
I, uh...
I think it's time we
dropped the case.
- No. No.
- No way.
Someone... is going to be
very, very sorry about all this.
I could never forgive myself if
anything happened to the two of you.
I don't want anyone else hurt.
No, no, Kate. You
don't understand.
See, we couldn't drop the
case now if we wanted to.
They're bringing the action to us
because we're too close to them already.
None of us is safe
till we make it safe.
But if I...
I hadn't meddled in the case in the first
place, none of this would've happened.
[Cecilia] Kate, lots of people
manage to get murdered
every year in this
country without your help.
I've been meddling in other
people's business all my life.
And now look...
- Shh, shh, shh. Hey, Hey.
- [stammering]
- Come on, come on.
- Oh!
- Come on.
- [crying]
Kate, I want you to
listen to me, okay?
Hey, will you listen to me?
Okay? All right.
Now, look, there
are an awful lot
of people in this world
who are desperate for help,
and most of them
don't know where to turn
or who to talk to,
and you help those people.
You do! 'Cause you
like listening to them.
You like listening
to their problems.
You try to understand them.
You put a little hope,
a little common sense
back in their lives.
On top of which,
anybody who's willing
to take on the
awesome responsibility
of turning A.J. into a happily
married, well-dressed man
deserves a place in
the Saint's Hall of Fame.
That's all there is to it.
[Kate crying]
I must admit, I hate
to see A.J. lonely.
And he is lonely,
Kate, believe me.
He's lonely and
restless and young.
It's disgusting.
There's a decorator I know.
- Really?
- Oh, she's a lovely woman.
A.J. would love her.
And she could do terrific
things with this room.
Would you all mind if talked about
murder instead of love for a little bit?
I think I'd feel
more comfortable.
Don't mind him. He gets testy
when his house gets blown up.
Happens every time.
Melissa!
What's wrong?
- Hello.
- What do you got?
Well, I'll be darned.
It's a receipt signed by Melissa
and dated for the day that
Laurel Shelley was killed.
- Huh?
- It's gotten smudged, though.
The only thing I can
read is the dealer number.
Yeah.
Can't tell what she bought
or where she bought it.
I can fix that.
- [Rick] A.J.
- Yo.
- We on the air?
- Hold on.
[Woman] I hope you
took good notes today.
- The Wives' Tale, wasn't it?
- [Man] You must've
nodded off again.
We did the Wives'
Tale yesterday.
Yeah, it's coming
in loud and clear.
[Woman] Bobby,
I just can't do that.
[Man] But, Allison, I love you.
Bobby, I love you, too, but
I can't break it off with Billy.
Would kill him after all
he's gone through this year.
[Bobby sighs] You could
break it off with Max.
Max has had a great year.
[Allison] Max and I have a
strictly physical relationship,
and it shouldn't
bother you at all.
[Bobby] What about Norman?
You think you could
break it off Norman?
[Allison] No.
[Bobby] You could
move in with me.
- How's it going?
- [conversation continues]
Well, so far, I've heard
plans for the weekend,
fights with Mommy and Daddy,
Plato versus Aristotle,
a really interesting
conversation
lasting about 45 minutes
concerning Mick Jagger's lips,
but so far, no
messages for Melissa.
Not on campus, either.
I checked her car. It's clean.
Mmm. Here. You
listen for a while.
I gotta take a break.
[conversation continues]
Aha! Now we're getting into
your surveillance specialty...
Looking through binoculars
into a sorority house.
All in the cause of truth,
justice and the American way.
- Hey, listen to this.
- [mutters]
[Bobby] What about Norman?
[Allison] I don't care about
Norman. You know that.
I could never love Norman.
[Bobby] So how come you go
to bed with him and not with me?
[Allison] Because I
love you, that's why.
[Bobby] You won't
even let me kiss you.
[Allison] Bobby, I
can't talk about it now.
Joey's coming over to
help me with my chemistry.
- [together] Joey?
- [Bobby] Joey? Joey who?
[Allison] Joey's just a friend.
[Bobby] Now, I
wanna get this straight.
Well, the Town says that Melissa
was supposedly on campus
when both murders
were committed.
Of course, up until now, nobody's
had any reason to check out her alibi
'cause we all knew we were
looking for a large, powerful man.
- [mutters]
- [Allison] We had this
kind of thing together.
[Bobby] The three of you?
[Allison] You don't have
to make it sound so dirty.
[Bobby] No, I didn't mean
that. I'm just surprised.
All out of regular. Hope
you don't mind extra crispy.
Listen to this.
Melissa got a call
while you were out.
[Man] Why have you
been avoiding me?
[Melissa] I've been very
busy, and I haven't had time
to do anything but study.
[Man] You're trying to
break it off, aren't you?
[Melissa] No, I'm not. But I
think it would be a good idea
if we didn't see each other for
a while, all things considered.
[Man] You wanna break it off.
Hey, I really don't
give a damn, Melissa,
but I want my
split now... All of it.
[Melissa] We better
meet and have a talk.
[Man] I'll meet you in
front of the gym at 6:00.
Why don't we get
there about, uh, five of?
- Yep.
- Oh, by the way,
I talked to Marjorie.
She came through for us.
Melissa bought a
new voltage regulator
the day Laurel
Shelley was killed.
She bought it in San Diego.
Hello.
I'd like to know
where you two got this.
Melissa, I think you're
missing the point here.
You were in San Diego the
day your stepmother was killed.
You don't have an alibi anymore.
You are now facing a
possible homicide charge.
The fact that I was in San Diego
doesn't make me a murderer.
The fact that you lied to the police
proves that you have something to hide.
I wasn't hiding anything.
I was trying to protect
our family name.
My mother's dead. Now, why should people
have all this to drag through the mud?
Kate Franklin would
love to write a story
on a mother-daughter
love triangle.
We're talking about
a triangle, all right,
but it's got nothing
to do with love.
You don't understand.
Okay. Why don't you help us out?
I was in San Diego,
but I never killed anyone.
Steven Lacey killed
my stepmother,
then tried to blackmail me.
Wally Luger then killed Steven.
- Wally's the one you want.
- You liar!
[gasps, screams]
Hold it!
- Get out of the way!
- [Woman screaming]
[students chattering]
Get out of the way, would ya?
[chattering continues]
[men shouting]
Come on! Come on!
Help me here! Get him!
Hit him! Hit him harder! Harder!
Harder! Ooh!
Oh, no! [groans]
[A.J.] Yeah, look, I
appreciate the help,
but I can do my own
redecorating, thank you.
Perhaps you should consider
taking your big brother's advice, A.J.
After all, he is more
experienced in these matters,
domestically speaking.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
You know, I think it's high
time that you met Rick's wife.
How about it, Rick?
When are you gonna
introduce her to the little woman?
[Cecilia] Rick's wife?
What are you talking about?
Oh, Rick, I really
would love to meet her.
Come to think of it, so would I.
I'll arrange a little soiree.
I have someone very
special in mind for you, A.J.
A perfectly
delightful young lady.
Very pretty, too, in
spite of her appearance.
I've even lined up
someone for Cecilia.
He's a bit older
than you are, dear,
but still quite vigorous,
all things considered.
I told him all about you.
[chuckles]
He might have to
bring his nurse, though.
How many does that
make? Rick, his wife, A.J...
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
There are a lot of nuts
out there, Mr. Simon.
[Rick] Yeah, and they all
seem to have your address.
[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon...
Let's not disturb the nest. Just
wait and see who comes out.
Satisfy yourself, but just
don't do anything terribly cruel.
I'm sorry. Our Ménage
à Trois suite is booked.
You guys are really hard up.
We on the air?
Yeah. It's coming
in loud and clear.
[beeping]
♪♪ [theme]
- [Man] Dear Kate, - [typing]
I'm at the end of my rope.
I love her beyond belief,
yet I know that our love
can only end in tragedy.
Today she told her
husband about our affair.
How cruel irony is.
They met at the same golf course
where we spent so many happy hours.
He went insane, just
like I told you, Kate,
and now I'm afraid
for my dear one's life.
Her husband
threatened to kill her.
He will, too.
Must I watch helplessly?
Signed, Lovesick In La Jolla.
Mm-hmm! [chuckling]
I didn't think he would do it.
- I honestly didn't think
he would do it.
- Come on. Will you just relax?
In an hour, you're gonna be
center court, munching on a hot dog,
watching Dr. J,
so just calm down.
It's just a basketball game.
Well, with Town,
nothing is just a anything.
Remember "just a few beers
and a movie" last month?
Hey, was it Town's fault
he spotted a wanted fugitive
in the lobby buying jawbreakers?
Okay, how about "just a quick stop
on the way to the Chargers game?"
- Did you know that Mexico
was on the way to the stadium?
- Okay, okay, okay.
But you gotta admit, Town
always gets good seats.
Yeah. Trouble is by the time you
get to the game, the season is over.
Well, nothing's gonna
go wrong tonight.
I spotted him an extra hour.
Good. This must be his place.
Nothing is going to go wrong?
- ♪♪ [jazz]
- [chattering]
Let's have a look around.
He's working.
[no audible dialogue]
Police! Hold it
right where you are!
I said, police!
Back off!
Hey, there's a phone over
there if you wanna call the cops.
I am a cop.
And there are more cops
on their way right this minute.
- Hi, guys.
- Town.
- Hello.
- Look, my backup's
a little late.
- Raise your right hand.
- Are you joking?
Raise your right
hand! Come on, man!
- Repeat after me... "We're deputies."
- We're deputies.
- You're deputies.
- Okay, which one do you want?
- All of them?
- All of them?
- Oh, my God.
- You have the right
to remain silent.
- [yelling]
- Anything you say can and will
be used against you
in a court of law.
Looks like they got
everything under control here.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, you guys been
off the streets lately.
- Slow month?
- Well, not anymore.
Got a case today. Really
hot. We start on it tomorrow.
As a matter of fact, it's
a well-known journalist.
You ever hear of Kate's Korner?
Kate Franklin,
advice to the lovelorn?
- Yeah.
- You guys are really hard up.
Why? You know her?
The whole department does.
She heads our "cry wolf" list.
Every time some poor wife
writes she's afraid of her husband,
Kate wants to call the
SWAT team on the guy.
- Overactive imagination.
- [sighs]
Well, we'll only
miss the first half.
- What?
- Say what?
We gotta go downtown and
finish the paperwork on this.
- Paperwork? Wait a... Hey!
- "We," Tonto?
- Yeah. You're deputies.
- Wait. We're not getting
paid for this.
Of course you are. I'm taking
you to the game, aren't I?
- [Rick] Aww!
- [pager beeping]
[groans]
[Woman] Dr. Leckowitz.
Paging Dr. Leckowitz.
- Dr. Leckowitz?
- [laughs]
I don't know why I keep
getting this guy's calls.
Well, could be 'cause
that thing is highly illegal.
- Illegal? Uh, uh, no. What?
- Paging Dr. Leckowitz.
No. Carlos is just
waiting for the license.
But you know how
backlogged the FCC is.
[Rick] Mrs. Franklin, when you said
that you'd already been to the police,
you neglected to mention
that that was 57 times.
So they told you I had
an overactive imagination.
Well... Well, uh,
they did mention something
about a necktie strangler
who turned out to be a harmless
high school biology teacher.
Well, what was I to think? The man
mentions dissection in at least 50 places.
The leering reference
to, uh, spore division.
He was a ticking time bomb.
We're not questioning your
credibility, Mrs. Franklin.
It's just that perhaps you're
reading more into the
situation than actually exists.
Exactly. Read between the
lines and hear the cries for help.
I have spent 20 years
climbing this mountain,
and with each step
I find new crevices...
Deeper, darker corners
of the troubled soul.
There are a lot of nuts
out there, Mr. Simon.
Yeah, and they all seem
to have your address.
Well, there are bright moments.
You remember the plumber who
walled up his wife in Chula Vista?
My column tore that wall down.
They're reconciled, living in
a trailer in Lake Havasu City.
You're not married, are you?
Me? No. No, ma'am.
Yeah, I knew it.
You sure could use a woman's
eye picking out those clothes.
Those colors are
all wrong for you.
I have somebody
I want you to meet.
She'd make a wonderful
wife. How about you?
Uh, no, thanks.
I'm already married.
Oh. Here are the clips
from the issues the
letters appeared in.
Yeah.
One more thing, when
these letters come in,
are they published
just as they're written,
or do you, shall
we say, edit them?
Look, I know how to grab
a headline when I need one.
I'm a responsible
journalist. Sigma Delta Chi...
Okay. I feel as
guilty as Lovesick.
I let this thing
get out of hand.
I should've advised him
to end the affair right away.
But instead, you milked
it, and now you're afraid
it's, uh, turned sour.
Now that we know
we're all bottom-liners,
could we get to work?
Find the man who did this?
See if he's telling the truth?
Is her husband crazy
enough to commit murder?
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
I'm beginning to
think Kate is right.
There really is something
weird going on here.
Yeah, and we're the
mules she's using to write up
some loony's fantasy mountain.
Now, look. Everything
that the guy writes
indicates that he's
insane with love,
he's plagued with guilt,
and he's scared to death.
Wonderful. He'd make a
great Johnny Cash, June.
- But, but, but, but.
- But why do we have to... What?
Each of the letters has
been methodically typed.
I mean, very
carefully corrected.
Now, does a guy
who's waiting to be shot
worry about his spelling?
Maybe he's an English major.
The guy reads like
a textbook gigolo.
"Met her on the golf course.
Played her like a par three."
I mean, he's letting
himself be wined and dined.
She's bought him
clothes. She's taken him to
exclusive little
Mexican hideaways.
We've got a great skeleton here.
There's no meat on the bones.
Ooh.
Here's a little rib to gnaw on.
She bought him... and I quote...
"a new Italian sports car
for my birthday last week.
[clicks tongue]
"Tears were in my eyes
as we road up the coast
"and parked on the lonely beach
with the top down so
we could watch the stars."
Aw.
I think I'm gonna be
sick. [exhales forcefully]
[Rick] I can't believe
there are seven people,
including a nun,
who own Ferraris.
[A.J.] Well, that's
La Jolla for you.
[Rick] Here's something.
Mrs. Gavin Shelley,
high-rent address,
personalized license
plate... MYGUY7.
[sighs]
Wrong plates.
[Rick] Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. To the rear.
Well, looks like we
found both of them.
Should we try a
little room service?
[Rick] Ah, you know what kind of
movies they show in these places.
Nobody's allowed in
after the first ten minutes.
No, let's not disturb the nest.
Just wait and see who comes out.
- Oh, no.
- "Oh, no," what?
Who is your favorite
retired minor league pitcher
turned sleazeball private eye?
[Rick] Manny Cuco.
Wouldn't you know it?
[Manny] Ricky! What a surprise.
Manny! How's the slider?
Good enough to brush
you back seas, girl.
[Rick laughs]
- Ooh.
- Are we on the job here,
or just waiting for a vacancy?
[Rick] Who you
working for, Manny?
Funny. I was just gonna
ask you the same thing.
Great minds run
in the same gutter.
Aha!
Well, Manny, it's been nice looking
at your toys, but we've gotta run.
- We got a fish on the line.
- Funny. I got a couple
on the line, too.
See ya, man.
I think we found yours.
Make yourselves
comfortable, guys.
[blows] We're going for a ride.
- ♪♪ [loud Latin jazz]
- Pay 'em off, Cuco.
Turn down that
damn jungle music.
We don't wanna
attract attention.
- You know why I hire men
like Manny Cuco?
- [radio off]
We were willing to put
it down to bad judgment.
I hire him because
he's a hopeless swine
who'll do anything for money.
And what sort of hopelessly
swinish things does he do for you?
Just what he's doing...
Keeping punks like you
from trying to blackmail me.
Just how much did you think
you were gonna get anyway, huh?
Huh? How much?
How would you like me
to take that golf club...
[A.J.] Now, look, Mr. Shelley,
if you don't believe us, why don't you just
go on down to the paper and check it out?
Kate Franklin's been leading her
column with that story for over a month.
Besides, we weren't in that
motel room with your wife.
Why lean on us?
Because at last count,
I was worth a little
over 18 million.
And I'm gonna keep
it. You understand?
My wife is 38 and
very dear to me.
We have an open marriage,
and I want her to enjoy it,
including having her fill
of muscle-bound bunnies.
You see, I have no illusions,
only my money and my good name.
And you two clowns
aren't getting either.
Move the truck, Cuco.
And tell my wife I
can't play golf today.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna
find those papers you were talking about,
and my lawyer and I
are gonna read them,
and then he's gonna get me 10
ways to break your backs, legally.
[engine starts]
[tires screeching]
[Kate] What a
perfectly awful man.
My instincts were
right on the button.
Well, I mean, Gavin
Shelley is a tough,
vulgar, blustering nut,
but that doesn't necessarily
mean he's a killer.
I mean, after all,
he hired someone
to watch his wife cheat on
him and keep prying eyes away.
He doesn't care what she does.
Can't believe he's
threatening her.
We can't just drop it.
No. We'll talk to Steven Lacey.
We waited at his
place for two hours.
He never showed up.
We'll get him tomorrow.
Maybe he's just writing
you letters for laughs.
- I don't think so.
- Mmm.
Anybody else want
another cup of coffee?
No, thank you.
Rick, next time you make
it, try putting a little salt in it.
- Salt?
- Didn't your wife ever
teach you that little trick?
My wi... No.
No. See, because my
wife, uh, doesn't drink coffee.
Maybe use a little less water.
I think it gives
it a richer flavor.
- [phone ringing]
- Fine.
Hello.
Yeah. Just one minute, please.
- It's for you, Kate. Your editor.
- Oh.
Excuse me.
Hello.
[effeminate tone] Why is it you never
ask for a second cup of my coffee?
God Almighty.
Laurel Shelly is dead.
They've arrested her
husband for killing her.
[A.J.] Well, whatever they
wanted, they sure wanted it bad.
- Who found it?
- [Kate] The city editor. About 8:30.
He reported it, but I
wanted you to see it first.
Kate, we don't wanna touch
anything till the police get here.
Now, is there anything that
a thief might've been after?
Nothing worth taking.
Just my files and...
Oh, sometimes people
send me little things,
you know, to thank me.
- Nothing, really.
- Okay.
Then it's possible this has something
to do Laurel Shelley's murder.
Remember, I said the
Lovesick killer's innocent?
I mean, Gavin
Shelley is innocent.
You don't murder
your wife after you know
the whole city's following
the story in the newspaper.
The guy's smarter than that.
He's been set up.
And whoever did it probably
wanted something in here.
What?
Well, we don't know,
but we'll find out.
I wonder how they got in here,
right under the noses of the night shift.
Probably the same way we do.
[snoring]
[snores]
[groans]
I forgot. I'm sorry.
Honest to God.
Forgot what, Manny?
What's your blank?
Fill it in. I'm good for it.
Satisfy yourself, but
just don't do anything...
terribly cruel.
[A.J.] Us? Cruel, Manny?
You're the one that travels
around with a potato peeler.
[chuckles] That
was in the old days.
What are you two comadrejas
doing in my bedroom?
Easy. That bat's irreplaceable.
That is the very bat I used to
bang a low slide out of the park
off Mongo Destasica.
We took the pennant
from Duluth, '72.
[A.J.] Someday, Manny,
if you can still swallow,
which I doubt, we'll
buy you a light beer,
and you will tell us
the story of your life.
Right now, however,
you're going to tell us why you
trashed Kate Franklin's office.
Me? Why would I do that?
Don't ask us, Manny.
You're the one did it.
Hey, Rick, come on. Now,
look, Manny's gonna cooperate.
Let's just be careful
with that thing.
You can crush a man's
skull with one of those.
- Yeah, I know.
- Hey. Rick.
I think maybe it's a little too late to
be civilized about this, you know?
What do you mean, "too late"?
Why, it's... it's only noon.
Well, 1:00.
You know, this bat has
a very good feel to it.
Yeah.
It's a real long ball bat.
Real good feel.
[A.J.] Take it easy
now, Rick. Take it easy.
A.J.,
I got that old weird feeling
coming over me again.
- I know. I know.
- I think I'm gonna do it.
- No. Come on, Rick. Wait. No, no, no!
- Yeah, I'm gonna do it.
[shouts in Spanish]
Manny, when he gets
like this, I can't stop him.
- So come on. Please.
- But I'm telling you the truth!
I am no longer on the case!
After Shelley
talked to you, I quit.
It started to get tricky.
- I've been here all night!
- [yelling]
Ask my old lady!
[Rick] My hunch is Manny
didn't get out of that bed all night.
[A.J.] That's not a hunch. That's
one of the Ten Commandments.
[Rick] We only got one
more man in the lineup.
[A.J.] Steve Lacey.
[Lacey] Of course
Gavin Shelley killed her.
The guy is a
schizophrenic monster.
I've known this would
happen for months.
Why didn't you stop seeing her?
We were in love.
Why didn't she
leave her husband?
She was terrified of him.
Afraid to stay, afraid to go.
We were so desperate, we...
You're gonna laugh at this.
We wrote to one of those "advice to
the lovelorn" columns in the newspaper.
Kate Franklin?
All she could do is
offer us platitudes.
I don't know what we expected.
Have you told all
this to the police?
You know, they seemed to know.
I mean, I signed all the letters
"Lovesick In La Jolla."
I guess the patter was obvious.
Yeah, I read those. Uh...
You wrote that
Shelley threatened her.
Now, were these actual
physical threats from Shelley?
I don't know whether
you've met the man,
but all he has to do is arch
his eyebrows, and it's a threat.
They say he snapped her
neck like a chicken bone.
I betcha he enjoyed it.
[buzzes] Sergeant Brian.
Look, I'm gonna be deeply
undercover for the rest of the afternoon.
Yeah, that's right. Oh,
and, Brian, would you call
the racquet club and tell them
I'm gonna be a few minutes late?
Thanks a lot.
Mm-mm-mm.
Corruption, misfeasance,
malfeasance.
You can't trust
anybody these days.
[clicks tongue]
Look at this. Playing tennis
on the taxpayer's money.
How do you do that
with a clear conscious?
I don't. It's not
a perfect world.
- Mmm.
- Guilt's a thing
you learn to live with.
Are you gonna get out of my
way? I'm talking mixed doubles.
Absolutely. But first
of all, I need a favor.
You're Rick. You're here.
Of course you need a favor.
Unfortunately, though, I've
got all the life insurance I need.
Or is it encyclopedias?
Cute. It's Gavin Shelley.
Get me in to see him.
I can't do that. I don't have
anything to do with that case.
Right, right. You're a
disinterested third party.
Plus, if you stand here and argue
with me, you're gonna lose your court.
Look, man, I'm not Houdini. I just
can't snap my fingers and doors open.
No, you're a cop.
Infinitely better.
Come on, Town.
How often do I ask?
- Rick, I got you into
the Point Loma submarine base.
- Mm-hmm.
- I got you into
the Willie Nelson concert.
- Yeah.
About the only thing I haven't gotten you
into around here is the mayor's offices.
No, you did that, too.
Remember the explosion?
Oh, that's right.
I'd actually tried to
block that out of my mind.
Now, all I need is half an hour.
Fifteen. No, no.
- Ten minutes, tops.
- Ten minutes?
- That's right. Less if you can manage it.
- Oh, come on, Town.
Now just relax. Nobody's
even gonna look at me twice.
The judge would. His
instructions were crystal clear.
- Absolutely no visitors
except his...
- His lawyers.
And nobody notices lawyers.
People actually try
not to notice lawyers.
They're kind of like, uh, laws.
The judge is gonna enjoy hearing
your theory on jurisprudence.
I'm not having to twist
your arm real hard.
You don't think
Shelley did it, do you?
Why is it you always know
when I agree with you?
It's a gift.
Why are you here?
'Cause you didn't do it.
The way you put that,
you must know something.
People. They're not neat,
but the frame around you is
hung with a carpenter's level.
If Kate Franklin hadn't hired
us, the picture'd be perfect.
- You would take the fall.
- What's it to you?
Well, last night, somebody
went through her office
like a 7.7 quake.
They were looking for
something, and it wasn't her file
on "my husband likes
to wear dog suit" letters.
Whoever framed you doesn't
think their work is done.
If we can figure out why, we can figure
out who, and you can walk out of here.
I thought it was obvious.
Steven Lacey. He
wrote the letters.
What's he got to gain?
[sighs] I'm out of the way.
Yeah.
But she's dead.
[Clergyman] "'I am the
resurrection and the life, '
"sayeth the Lord.
"'He that believeth in me
"'though he were
dead yet shall he live,
"and whosoever liveth and
believeth in me shall never die.'
"For as much as it hath
pleased Almighty God
"to take unto Himself
the soul of our friend,
"Laurel Shelley,
"we commit her
body to the grave.
"Earth to earth, ashes to ashes,
"dust to dust.
"In the sure and certain hope
"that as she is born
the image of the earthly,
she shall also bear the
image of the heavenly."
[beeping]
[beeping stops]
[Rick] Mmm.
[A.J.] That's Melissa Shelley,
Shelley's daughter
by a previous marriage.
How old is she?
Uh, 20 years old. Let's see.
She's a junior at Rutledge
College. It's a private school up north.
- She came down for the funeral.
- Hmm.
She looks pretty upset.
Uh, a little too upset.
Well, I overheard
some of the relatives.
They weren't buying
her performance.
- Laurel Shelley
was her stepmother.
- [phone ringing]
Hello.
Oh, hi, Kate. How you doing?
Uh, hold on.
Just hold on.
Let me get A.J. over here.
I finally got around
to yesterday's mail.
There's another letter here
from Lovesick In La Jolla.
I mean, Steven Lacey. It's
postmarked two days ago.
Anything new?
A lot of it sounds like
what he wrote before.
"The end of my
rope, a tragedy"...
But there's this one
part about a golf game.
He says that Gavin and
Laurel played golf that day.
He says that's where
Gavin made his last threat.
Wait a second. He
postponed that game.
He never went. Are you sure
it's postmarked the day she died?
Yes!
How do you explain that?
Maybe Steven Lacey can.
- Lacey?
- Big swan dive.
Anybody see it?
You mean, anybody give
him a hand out the window?
We don't know. A
pretty big guy to handle.
Well, we know it
wasn't Shelley this time.
He's still a guest of the city.
Maybe he died of a broken heart.
- Among other things.
- Up here.
Suicide note's
in the typewriter.
[A.J.] "Can't go on
living without Laurel."
Same typeface as
the letters to Kate.
[sighs, clicks tongue]
A guy his age.
Physical fitness freak.
I don't know. It's just...
kind of hard to believe he'd want to bounce
that body off the sidewalk like that.
- Yeah, but there's no sign
of a struggle.
- Yeah.
And it would take
a real big dude to
overpower him and
throw him off the balcony.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Besides, the door was locked.
There's no bolt on
the inside, Town.
Somebody could've
slammed that on their way out.
There's nothing
here that doesn't say
he just didn't take a
short walk off the balcony.
[sighs]
[clicking]
- Hey, guys.
- [Rick] Yeah?
Take a look at this.
What do you got?
Why would a guy who's planning
to walk off his own balcony
leave his video recorder
on to tape an old movie?
'Cause he wasn't gonna
be here to watch it live?
[muttering]
[laughing]
What did I tell you? Yes.
Arnold, you haven't
told us anything yet.
- I haven't?
- Mm-mm. Not yet.
Why not? It's right here...
Everything we need.
Uh, the suicide note
and the letter
from Mr. Sick Love.
Whoever wrote these letters...
he didn't write the suicide note.
How can you tell that?
Uh, look.
You see,
everything typed on
the same machine,
always the same
correcting, electric.
But always in the letters.
Under the microscope,
you see M and N's "perverted."
- "Reverted"?
- Yes!
He mixes up his M's
and N's... this person.
Hitting one when should
be hitting the other,
so they go backwards.
Then, ping, he
makes the correction.
But under the microscope,
the evidence from the mistake
always remains on the
paper like a fingerprint.
But in the suicide note?
No such evidence. No.
[Rick] Which proves
that he was murdered.
By a giant?
And the only giant
in this case is in jail.
It's from the Del Playa
out on Vista Point.
In the Kate Franklin
Traveler's Guide,
it's known as a three-star resort
hotel with a one-star restaurant.
- Oh.
- Very exclusive.
And very expensive, I would
imagine, for an aerobics instructor.
Yeah, well, we
ought to check it out.
There was a whole bunch of
these in his medicine cabinet.
Looks like he was spending
some rather serious time out there.
Wouldn't surprise me.
The Del Playa's known
as a safe playground
for the rich.
Laurel Shelley probably
took Steven there
for private aerobic sessions,
if you know what I mean.
A.J.?
Seen that Eldo
convertible before?
Yeah.
He's not staying with us.
- Hi. Excuse me.
- Yes?
No. Let me guess.
- Two rooms, connecting door.
- No.
I'm sorry. Our Ménage à Trois
suite is booked till Christmas.
We don't want the
Ménage à Trois suite.
I don't blame you.
That crack will cost
you half a star, pal.
[loudly] We're private
investigators, and we're looking for...
[guests gasping, murmuring]
looking for information
on this man.
Uh, yes.
He used to come here
quite regularly with his... wife.
A very beautiful young woman.
Very tall, long blonde hair.
- Long blonde hair.
- Like this?
Ah, yes. That's her.
Thank you.
Maybe she duped Lacey into killing
her stepmother and framing her father.
- Is that possible?
- Possible? Yes.
But it still doesn't tell us
who killed Steven Lacey.
[singsong voice] Come out,
come out, wherever you are.
It is just that we would
feel more comfortable
if we knew that you
were safe with Mom.
It's very unfair of you to
impose on your mother this way.
No, you don't understand.
We're not imposing.
Really, truly. I mean,
we do this all the time.
Yeah. Mom's used to it.
You should read the
letters from mothers who
feel their children
take unfair advantage.
Unfair advantage?
Us? Don't be ridiculous.
This one mother wrote her
children were always in trouble.
Calling her up in the
middle of the night
to have her bail
her sons out of jail.
Embarrassing her in
front of her men friends.
Well, yeah. But, I
mean, you know, it's...
I know that's not you.
- What'd you tell her to do?
- I told her to let them rot
in the slammer next time
to teach them a lesson.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Of course, it didn't do any good that
they just moved here from Guatemala.
She was the only one
who spoke English.
Yeah, well, here.
Right this way.
These are yours.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
There you go.
Mom!
Mom!
[Cecilia] I'm out on the patio!
After you.
- [Rick] Hi.
- [Cecilia] Hi, darling.
- How long you been here?
- About 20 minutes.
Mom, this is Kate Franklin.
Kate, this is our mom.
- Mom, Cecilia.
- [Cecilia] How do you do?
I was just chastising your sons
for imposing on you like this.
Oh, don't be silly. I'll be
the toast of the canasta club.
- Hi, Mom - Hi, honey.
- [beeping]
- [groans]
[Woman on pager]
Dr. Leckowitz, please.
Dr. Leckowitz, please.
Dr. Leckowitz, please. Dr. Leckowitz,
please pick up your page.
Marlo?
- Marlo!
- Marlo.
- Marlo, come here.
- [Marlo whining]
Marlo, come here! Come on, boy!
- Come on, boy. You okay? Huh?
- [whining]
Geez, for a minute
there, I thought you were
on your way to that
big kennel in the sky.
My home is gone.
Well, A.J., look at it this way.
Worth getting bombed to get rid of
that lousy oil painting you had over there.
Thank God you weren't in
here and nobody was hurt.
Oh, Mom, we're okay. We're okay.
Hey, it's okay.
It's all right, it's all right,
it's all right, it's all right.
It's okay.
A.J., it had radio-controlled.
I bet this beeper set it off.
Remind me to write the
good doctor a thank-you note.
I, uh...
I think it's time we
dropped the case.
- No. No.
- No way.
Someone... is going to be
very, very sorry about all this.
I could never forgive myself if
anything happened to the two of you.
I don't want anyone else hurt.
No, no, Kate. You
don't understand.
See, we couldn't drop the
case now if we wanted to.
They're bringing the action to us
because we're too close to them already.
None of us is safe
till we make it safe.
But if I...
I hadn't meddled in the case in the first
place, none of this would've happened.
[Cecilia] Kate, lots of people
manage to get murdered
every year in this
country without your help.
I've been meddling in other
people's business all my life.
And now look...
- Shh, shh, shh. Hey, Hey.
- [stammering]
- Come on, come on.
- Oh!
- Come on.
- [crying]
Kate, I want you to
listen to me, okay?
Hey, will you listen to me?
Okay? All right.
Now, look, there
are an awful lot
of people in this world
who are desperate for help,
and most of them
don't know where to turn
or who to talk to,
and you help those people.
You do! 'Cause you
like listening to them.
You like listening
to their problems.
You try to understand them.
You put a little hope,
a little common sense
back in their lives.
On top of which,
anybody who's willing
to take on the
awesome responsibility
of turning A.J. into a happily
married, well-dressed man
deserves a place in
the Saint's Hall of Fame.
That's all there is to it.
[Kate crying]
I must admit, I hate
to see A.J. lonely.
And he is lonely,
Kate, believe me.
He's lonely and
restless and young.
It's disgusting.
There's a decorator I know.
- Really?
- Oh, she's a lovely woman.
A.J. would love her.
And she could do terrific
things with this room.
Would you all mind if talked about
murder instead of love for a little bit?
I think I'd feel
more comfortable.
Don't mind him. He gets testy
when his house gets blown up.
Happens every time.
Melissa!
What's wrong?
- Hello.
- What do you got?
Well, I'll be darned.
It's a receipt signed by Melissa
and dated for the day that
Laurel Shelley was killed.
- Huh?
- It's gotten smudged, though.
The only thing I can
read is the dealer number.
Yeah.
Can't tell what she bought
or where she bought it.
I can fix that.
- [Rick] A.J.
- Yo.
- We on the air?
- Hold on.
[Woman] I hope you
took good notes today.
- The Wives' Tale, wasn't it?
- [Man] You must've
nodded off again.
We did the Wives'
Tale yesterday.
Yeah, it's coming
in loud and clear.
[Woman] Bobby,
I just can't do that.
[Man] But, Allison, I love you.
Bobby, I love you, too, but
I can't break it off with Billy.
Would kill him after all
he's gone through this year.
[Bobby sighs] You could
break it off with Max.
Max has had a great year.
[Allison] Max and I have a
strictly physical relationship,
and it shouldn't
bother you at all.
[Bobby] What about Norman?
You think you could
break it off Norman?
[Allison] No.
[Bobby] You could
move in with me.
- How's it going?
- [conversation continues]
Well, so far, I've heard
plans for the weekend,
fights with Mommy and Daddy,
Plato versus Aristotle,
a really interesting
conversation
lasting about 45 minutes
concerning Mick Jagger's lips,
but so far, no
messages for Melissa.
Not on campus, either.
I checked her car. It's clean.
Mmm. Here. You
listen for a while.
I gotta take a break.
[conversation continues]
Aha! Now we're getting into
your surveillance specialty...
Looking through binoculars
into a sorority house.
All in the cause of truth,
justice and the American way.
- Hey, listen to this.
- [mutters]
[Bobby] What about Norman?
[Allison] I don't care about
Norman. You know that.
I could never love Norman.
[Bobby] So how come you go
to bed with him and not with me?
[Allison] Because I
love you, that's why.
[Bobby] You won't
even let me kiss you.
[Allison] Bobby, I
can't talk about it now.
Joey's coming over to
help me with my chemistry.
- [together] Joey?
- [Bobby] Joey? Joey who?
[Allison] Joey's just a friend.
[Bobby] Now, I
wanna get this straight.
Well, the Town says that Melissa
was supposedly on campus
when both murders
were committed.
Of course, up until now, nobody's
had any reason to check out her alibi
'cause we all knew we were
looking for a large, powerful man.
- [mutters]
- [Allison] We had this
kind of thing together.
[Bobby] The three of you?
[Allison] You don't have
to make it sound so dirty.
[Bobby] No, I didn't mean
that. I'm just surprised.
All out of regular. Hope
you don't mind extra crispy.
Listen to this.
Melissa got a call
while you were out.
[Man] Why have you
been avoiding me?
[Melissa] I've been very
busy, and I haven't had time
to do anything but study.
[Man] You're trying to
break it off, aren't you?
[Melissa] No, I'm not. But I
think it would be a good idea
if we didn't see each other for
a while, all things considered.
[Man] You wanna break it off.
Hey, I really don't
give a damn, Melissa,
but I want my
split now... All of it.
[Melissa] We better
meet and have a talk.
[Man] I'll meet you in
front of the gym at 6:00.
Why don't we get
there about, uh, five of?
- Yep.
- Oh, by the way,
I talked to Marjorie.
She came through for us.
Melissa bought a
new voltage regulator
the day Laurel
Shelley was killed.
She bought it in San Diego.
Hello.
I'd like to know
where you two got this.
Melissa, I think you're
missing the point here.
You were in San Diego the
day your stepmother was killed.
You don't have an alibi anymore.
You are now facing a
possible homicide charge.
The fact that I was in San Diego
doesn't make me a murderer.
The fact that you lied to the police
proves that you have something to hide.
I wasn't hiding anything.
I was trying to protect
our family name.
My mother's dead. Now, why should people
have all this to drag through the mud?
Kate Franklin would
love to write a story
on a mother-daughter
love triangle.
We're talking about
a triangle, all right,
but it's got nothing
to do with love.
You don't understand.
Okay. Why don't you help us out?
I was in San Diego,
but I never killed anyone.
Steven Lacey killed
my stepmother,
then tried to blackmail me.
Wally Luger then killed Steven.
- Wally's the one you want.
- You liar!
[gasps, screams]
Hold it!
- Get out of the way!
- [Woman screaming]
[students chattering]
Get out of the way, would ya?
[chattering continues]
[men shouting]
Come on! Come on!
Help me here! Get him!
Hit him! Hit him harder! Harder!
Harder! Ooh!
Oh, no! [groans]
[A.J.] Yeah, look, I
appreciate the help,
but I can do my own
redecorating, thank you.
Perhaps you should consider
taking your big brother's advice, A.J.
After all, he is more
experienced in these matters,
domestically speaking.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
You know, I think it's high
time that you met Rick's wife.
How about it, Rick?
When are you gonna
introduce her to the little woman?
[Cecilia] Rick's wife?
What are you talking about?
Oh, Rick, I really
would love to meet her.
Come to think of it, so would I.
I'll arrange a little soiree.
I have someone very
special in mind for you, A.J.
A perfectly
delightful young lady.
Very pretty, too, in
spite of her appearance.
I've even lined up
someone for Cecilia.
He's a bit older
than you are, dear,
but still quite vigorous,
all things considered.
I told him all about you.
[chuckles]
He might have to
bring his nurse, though.
How many does that
make? Rick, his wife, A.J...
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA