Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 2, Episode 16 - It's Only a Game - full transcript

There's nothing left to do here.
We're going to need some help here.

We got to call the
cops, the FBI, the CIA.

[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon...

Get rid of it before
it gets rid of you.

Ever try and reconstruct an entire
murder scene from an earlobe?

Tell me there's no objectionable
portion of the human anatomy in that box.

Believe me, I never thought
it would get this heavy.

Everybody be cool.

We think they're working
for the Eastern Bloc.

I don't care if you're talking
about the whole Red Army.

They have my brother!



If things get really tough, I
may have to take you out.

♪♪ [theme]

[Man on P.A. system, indistinct]

Flight 210 from Las
Vegas is now arriving

at Gate 35.

[continues, indistinct]

Have a nice flight. Bye
now. Have a nice flight.

Uh, excuse me, Officer.

I'm unfamiliar
with this airport.

Before I get lost, let me see if
I've got my directions straight.

That concourse I just came
down... that's Concourse B?

[Officer] Yes, it is.

- Uh, thank you.
- Yep.

[P.A. continues]



Hey, do you realize I
had two guys following me

all the way to the airport?

It's okay. I lost them.

I just wish you'd
told me. That's all.

Don't worry. Our
little friend's fine.

But I don't think it's a good
idea to take him along to Vegas.

I'm going to park
him here with friends

and catch a later
flight out tonight.

All arriving passengers
must pick up their baggage

at the east end of the airport.

You go check all
the flights to Vegas.

Kelley and I'll go
shake Heller till he spills.

Package got to wind up
sooner or later in Vegas.

You better make sure it
winds up in the right hands, pal.

Anybody gets in the way,
they're a statistic. All right. Go.

Relax. These guys are pros.
They're private investigators.

I'll go to Vegas,
scope out the deal.

And if it's okay, they'll deliver
the package to me up there.

Heller, I've known
him for years.

They're like brothers.

One of them will wrestle any
man in the house for five bucks.

The other, he'll yell,
"Give him the five,"

Yeah. We lose
contact, you call them.

Rick and A.J. Simon.

♪ I'm going to wait till
the stars come out ♪

♪ To see that
twinkle in your eyes ♪

♪ I'm going to wait
till the midnight hour ♪

♪ That's when my
love begins to shine ♪

♪ You're the only girl I know ♪

♪ That really loves the show ♪

♪ In the midnight hour ♪

[radio off]

[saw stops]

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

I could hear you
halfway down the block.

Do you know what time it is?

A.J., where have you been?

You will not believe the deal I
got on these tools for us, man.

You know Cheryl, the beautician
lives out near the airport?

She's got a cousin...
Ronny. He's a carpenter.

Well, anyhow, business
been kind of slow,

so he turns to burglary
part time, right?

He gets popped, he
needs money for a lawyer.

Got the whole set for 200 bucks.

- "We," paleface?
- Oh, yeah.

Well, I was a little short,

so I took a hundred out of
petty cash from the office.

But I figured what the hell.
Somebody offers you Manhattan,

you cough up the
24 bucks, right?

[sighs]

All right.

Now, I'm not upset
about the money.

- Good.
- Because you are going
to pay that back.

- Ah-ah. Our tools.
- I'm not upset about the tools,

because, conceivably, they
might come in handy someday.

There you go.

What I am upset about...

is you turning my
living room into a...

Hey, I put down a drop cloth.

Did you happen to notice

that they were designer sheets?

No. I noticed they
were in the laundry.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Rick, do you...

lie awake at night
dreaming these things up,

or does it just sort of
come to you in visions?

Okay, okay. I'll have this place
looking like a motel again in ten minutes.

[sighs] What are
you building, anyway?

Nothing. I was just
kind of practicing.

Practicing?

Yeah, you know. Get
the feel of the tools and...

Practicing?

[knocking on door]

Somebody at the door.

Yes, I know.

Probably the happy villagers
come to burn the castle down.

It's amazing what a Skilsaw
in the middle of the night will do

to transform an otherwise
tranquil community

into a bunch of
frothing lunatics.

Speaking of which,

it's a first for you, Jerry.

As a coroner, you have
probably never arrived

on the scene of the
crime before the murder.

How you doing, Jerry?
How about a shooter?

You know, kind of wash
out the graveyard shift.

Thanks, but actually, I
didn't come here to play.

I came here to
congratulate you guys.

For what?

You just won a free
trip to Las Vegas.

Travel arrangements and
promotional considerations

courtesy of the
good-doing Dr. J.

I think you already had
a couple of shooters.

All you have to do
is sit on this thing

for a couple of days,
no questions asked,

and it's viva Las Vegas to you
and the brother of your choice.

[exhales forcefully]

What's in it?

That's a question.

- You smell formaldehyde
on his breath?
- Mm-hmm.

Look, it's not drugs
or anything illegal.

It's just a little business
venture I'm involved in.

Jerry, if you're in
some kind of trouble...

Trouble? If
everything goes well,

I'm going to be in
a new tax bracket.

Hell, maybe I'll retire.

Tahiti. Sure beats
tagging the big toe.

I thought you liked
it at the morgue.

The bloom is off the lily.

Ah.

Ever try and reconstruct
an entire murder scene

from an earlobe?

Not lately.

Now, come on. Are you guys
with me on this one or not?

I'd like to sleep on it.

[object rattles]

Come on.

[gunshots continue]

Go, go, go!

Oh!

[Woman] Good morning.
Sahara Las Vegas.

Yes. Is Jerry Reiner
in yet, please?

No, he's not.

Could I leave a message for him?

Would you tell him
that Mother Hen called,

and we had a couple of
foxes in the coop last night?

He's got a couple
of mad, wet hens

who would like to
talk to him right away.

Now have you got all that, or do
you want to read it back to me?

Hey, mister, I'm no idiot.

Two guys broke into your place
and didn't get what they came for,

right?

- Um, thank you.
- You're welcome.

He's probably having a
good time at the tables.

We're playing tag with
strangers in the night.

You might wanna pick up on this.

This is Fred Heller.

[phone rings]

- Hello?
- Hello.

Is Fred Heller there?

Yeah, who's this?

May I speak to him?

Well, he's sort
of on his way out.

Give me a name and
number and I'll get back to you.

Uh...

No, I'm gonna be
on the road all day.

I'll just try and get in
touch with him later.

Are you sure there's no message?

I mean if it's important,

you can tell me what you
wanna talk to him about.

That's all right, Officer.

I just wanna talk
to him. Is that okay?

I'm afraid not. This is
Lieutenant Feeling with homicide.

You're in a slight
problem, here.

Fred Heller's dead.

Now, you better
tell me who this is.

Uh, hello?

Hello?

I'm sorry, hello?

Hello?

I can't hear you. Could
you speak up, please?

I can't hear ya.
I can't hear you.

Got a bad connection.

A video game?

It is a video game.

You know, I wish we could
serve this whole mess to police.

Let them digest it.

[Rick] Eh, they'll
eat Jerry alive.

I tell ya, when we find him,

he better have some answers here

or he's gonna wind
up working on himself.

Stupid game.

Don't feel bad.

Nobody over the age of
12 can win at that thing.

When I was 12, I had
something different.

Remember, my frog collection?

Anyway, I beat this
thing, nine times out of ten.

Must've been programmed by
Doris Fesntermacher. It's a pushover.

Maybe it's playing possum,

lulling you into a false
sense of complacency.

It's lulling me into boredom.

I've played coin returns
that were more fun.

Why would anybody
kill over a thing like this?

Look at this. This four
speed doesn't even work.

You push super
kill, what do you get?

Alphabet soup.

Well, I think you better
forget that little game,

'cause we are now
entering the big casino.

Oh, yeah.

[Rick] You know, as
long as we're here,

there's no reason we
can't kick back a little bit.

Play a little craps, take
in a couple of shows.

There's one I
wouldn't mind seeing.

Wayne Newton? You
don't like Wayne Newton.

What, the Wayner?
Are you kidding me?

"Danke Shoen," one
of my all-time favorites.

Well especially when
sung to the accompaniment

of a 60 half-naked chorus girls.

All-naked chorus girls.

Thank you.

Here we go.

[engine revs]

Whoa, hey, buddy.

Treat it like Liberace's
piano, all right?

Yes, sir.

Liberace's piano?

Is that another favorite?

You ever gonna play
"Moonlight Sonata"?

Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Tell us what room
Jerry Reiner's in, please.

Oh, I'm sorry, but
we don't give out

that kind of information
on our registered guests.

Uh, you'll have to
use the house phone.

Well, see, we
already tried that,

and he's not answering...

And see, he's supposed
to meet us down here

at that seminar on
management trainees,

and I'm getting a
little worried about him

'cause of that heart
condition of his.

Well, it's probably
not that at all.

I mean, I'm sure he's just
in the shower or something.

Really, we're just gun shy.

Ever since that Knights of
Columbus meeting we had.

- Where was that, Columbus?
- Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, you know, and you had to
call the paramedics and everything.

That poor man was just
as blue as you can be.

I never did think I was
gonna get him warmed up.

Uh, Mr. Reiner is in room 5136.

[both] 51... 36.

- 5136.
- Thanks very much.

Sure do appreciate this.

[knocking]

You know, it is possible
he has someone in there.

I don't care if he's got

a whole ladies fast-pitch
softball team in there.

Aw, boy.

Well, let's see. We're
looking at one of two things.

Either it was one
hell of a party,

or it was a gangland slang.

Maybe room service didn't
like the tip he left them.

Rick.

Oh, no.

He was in the shower.

At least he's not dead.

He was together enough
to patch himself up,

get some first aid.

Towel's almost dry.

Probably split
here in the night.

Ah, he might still be
in the neighborhood.

If I were him, I'd
hide out in a crowd.

[crowd chatters]

Insurance?

[sighs]

Thank you very much, sir.

$300 in 10 minutes is a
new land speed record.

You wouldn't lose so much

if you'd just hedge your bets.

It's against my religion.

You know, I've seen about a hundred
guys in here who look like Jerry.

You know, there's enough
hairspray and gold chains

in this place to make
a suspension bridge.

Still no sign of him.

I think we oughta try
some other part of the hotel.

Jerry's not a gambler.

He hired us, didn't he?

Aren't you finished yet?

I could lose my job
for letting you up here.

You could lose a
lot more than that,

if you don't stop
interrupting me.

Sure, anything you say.

All right, I've got what I want.

You can have your eye back.

Well, can't find Jerry.

Maybe we can find out
what he came here to do.

Well, it doesn't take
a rocket scientist

to figure out he's trying
to unload this little baby.

No, but to whom?

Uh... Ah, here's a
good place to begin.

Oh.

Okay, well, let's see.

I think we can safely
rule out the Rotarians.

Yep.

Uh, ditto, the Western
Council of Churches.

- Yep.
- Ditto, the Lights
of the South.

Here's a possibility.

North American Alliance
of Electrical Engineers.

And we're talking about
an electrical gadget, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- What do you think?

Oh, uh... Well,
I think I got it.

The International
Toy Manufacturers.

Yeah, but they don't
show up until next week.

Yeah, that doesn't
mean some of the guys

aren't gonna show
up a little early.

- You know, get a little jump
on the competition...
- Rick.

- Maybe Jerry's out...
- Rick.

What?

Remember the two
duffers I told you about?

- Yeah.
- Well, they are coming up
the fairway right now.

They've got an extra
caddy, and you can bet

- they're packing a lot
of irons. Tee off.
- Four.

They still back there?

Oh, yes. They're there.

- Over here.
- Where?

[PA Announcer] Miss Ruth Eagle,

your taxi is waiting
at the main entrance.

Miss Ruth Eagle.

Hi, Bob.

- Oh, hi.
- Jim Payne.

- Hi.
- Charleston, West Virginia.

Hi, Jim.

Sister Mary Grace Cattalane?

[nervous laugh]

Um, if you run into a nice
lady all dressed in black,

named George
Hammond, will you tell her

she's got my name tag?

Good afternoon,
Sahara, Las Vegas.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

The hotel does not have
a resident psychiatrist.

However, I can give
you the phone number

of the suicide
prevention center.

Got a pencil?

555-6789.

You're welcome.

Now, have a nice day. [chuckles]

Oh, you were saying?

Oh, yeah... I was saying,

it's not every day
that you get to meet

a famous American
historical figure like...

U.S. Grant.

Now, Ulysses here would
just love to go home with you,

but first of all,
we need a favor.

Now, listen here, fellas.

I don't know what bellboy
sent you down here.

But, you're definitely
barking up the wrong tree.

Oh, no, no.

Uh, you misunderstood.

We need a small, clerical favor.

Sorry, I don't know any priests.

No, um... A friend of ours,

is in a lot of trouble.

Now, the only way
we can help this friend,

is by finding out exactly
what calls he made

while staying here.

His name is Jerry Reiner.

Room 5136.

Wait a minute.

You guys must be the wet hens.

Okay.

Uh-uh, there it is.

Boy, your friend must
be in a lot of trouble.

He's a desperate man.

Why?

Well, Mr. Reiner
made five phone calls,

all to the same place.

The Appaloosa Ranch.

[Rick giggles]

What's so funny about
a guy calling a ranch?

[laughs]

Oh, nothing. Only, this
ranch has a little different

livestock, if you follow me.

At the Appaloosa,

the guests spend more
time in the bunk house

than they do out on the range.

Oh.

[woman laughs]

This doesn't make any sense.

I mean, why would Jerry

come all the way out here,

when the same services
are offered back in town

with a lot more style?

Very weird.

Ah, what do you
expect from a guy

who faces death every
day with a grin on his face

and a pair of carpet shears?

Besides, there's no guarantee
we're even gonna find him.

We could be making this
long, lonely drive for nothing.

Oh, I can think of something.

Ah, come on. No, Rick.

We cannot stop for her.

We are in the middle of a case.

And she's in the
middle of nowhere.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I didn't think anybody
was gonna stop.

Oh, are you kidding?
You're stuck out here,

in the middle of nowhere.

Here, hop in. We'll
get you to a phone.

Thanks.

You know, most
guys traveling this road

are in too big a hurry to stop.

No, we're in no hurry.
I can tell you that.

Just going down here
to see a friend of ours.

Oh, one of the ranch hands?

No, one of the happy guests.

What are you doing
on this piece of road?

I'm with the biology
department at the University.

- Really?
- Yeah, I came out here
to catch a few lizards,

and the only thing I caught
was a broken radiator.

Oh.

You know I've been
in Vegas for five years.

And this is the first
bum luck I've had?

Well, you're bad
luck is our good luck.

Otherwise we'd have never met.

Thanks.

You know, if you're gonna
be in town for a few days,

maybe I can return the favor

and buy you dinner.

I'd like that.

How you fixed for French
restaurants around here?

We eat French all the time.

I was thinking maybe, you know,

like a nice prime
rib, baked potato,

bottle of red wine.

Well, thanks again.

You're very welcome.

Hey, you know, we'd be
happy to give you a ride back.

We're not gonna
be here that long.

Oh, no thanks.

I don't wanna wear out
my welcome with you guys.

There's a payphone
right over there,

and I'll give the auto
club a phone call.

They'll send a
tow truck out here

a lot faster than they
would out by my car.

I'm sure they will.

I tell you what,

This is good for
one free dinner,

on the town that never sleeps.

We'll be in touch.

Hey, thank you.

Give you a call, soon as
we're through our business.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

"We can't stop for her, Rick.

"We're in the middle of a case."

Well,

You were right, it
was the gentlemanly

thing to do.

[Woman] Yeah, this is Ethel!

What's your pleasure, boys?

Uh...

Well, actually, ma'am,

we're, uh... Looking, uh,

Looking for a fellow.

Then you just wasted seven
gallons worth of high octane,

'cause the only men out here

are these boys.

My boys.

- Oh.
- Hey, guys.

Uh, no, no, no.

You don't understand.

We're trying...

We're trying to
help a friend of ours,

and we thought he
might be hiding out here.

Uh, yeah, does the name Jerry
Reiner ring any bells with you?

It just might ring
your two bells

if you don't leave right now.

Uh, it's okay, Ethel.

I've, uh, never been
happier to see two guys

all my life.

- Great Scott.
- What happened to you?

It's a long story.

Heller's dead?

How'd it happen?

That's your department.

And you'd better tell
us what's going on.

Yeah, if you
don't level with us,

we're gonna feed
you to the lie detectors

and the rubber
hoses back in town.

Believe me, I never thought
it would get this heavy.

Although, I should have
known when room service

sent up those goons who
tried to scramble my eggs.

I'm lucky.

Ethel and I have
a mutual friend.

A local coroner.

Ethel's has the
best security in town.

The, uh, goons... A
salt and pepper set?

Yeah, same guys who tailed
me to the airport in San Diego.

[both] That what?

You think they roughed you up?

Wait 'til you see what
we're gonna do to you.

Wait, you mean that you
knew when you hired us

that you were being followed and
you didn't bother to say anything?

I thought I had
everything under control.

[Rick laughs]

Okay, so it was dumb.

Dumb.

Now, what is so special
about a simple kid's toy

that gets one guy put down

and three other's on the menu?

It's a prototype for a new game.

It's not on the market yet.

Hallo was a computer engineer.

He came up with
a hot new design.

But, he wouldn't sell to any of
the major toy companies over here.

He was gonna make a
deal with the Japanese.

The whole transaction
had to be kept under wraps.

So, he said he'd cut
me in for a percentage

if I could pull off the deal.

Nobody knows me.

I slip in, contact
the middle man,

ha-ha, make the exchange...

Bingo. 10 percent
of a couple of million.

Just how well did
you know Heller?

Not real well.

Ahh.

He serviced the computers
up in motor vehicles.

Met him in City Hall
cafeteria a few times.

Jerry, what is the date on
your birth certificate, yesterday?

Hey, it sounded like a
good deal at the time.

When are you supposed
to contact the middle man.

Uh, it's set for tonight.

I'm supposed to
meet him at the lounge

in the Eagle Inn at 8:30.

[A.J. on tape] Who
else knows about

this meeting besides
you and the middleman.

Heller. He's the one who set
everything up to begin with.

He gave me the name
of the guy to contact.

[A.J.] Well, I'll tell ya,

there's more to this little game

than meets the old hand-eye.

[Rick] Yeah, I wish I'd spent
more of my Saturday mornings

with Mr. Wizard
than The Cisco Kid.

Take that thing apart and
figure out what makes it tick.

[Jerry] We need
a computer expert.

[laughter]

No sweat. Call Ethel.

[A.J.] Aren't computers
just a little out of her line?

Nothing is out of her line.

[Rick] When I die, this
is where I wanna go.

Arnie, thanks a
lot for this favor.

Ethel will really appreciate it.

She'll repay it.

Boy, so you run the
whole show from up here?

I mean the special effects,

all that... The
computer does it all?

Not everything.

The most dazzling
effects in this show

come from a different
breed of solid state.

Okay, let's see
what we got here.

You never know what you'll
find 'til you look under the hood.

That's what I always say.

Oh.

[whistles]

I don't think I wanna
be looking at this, guys.

What are you talking about?

- See this little
doohickey here?
- Mm-hmm.

You can go to the moon on it.

The other three speeds
are just part of the game,

but this fourth
one... Super kill.

Yeah.

That's a good
name for it, all right.

This gobbledygook is a
series of binary numbers

arranged in a code.

Uh-huh. I take it
we're talking about

a technology that's a little bit
more advanced than Pac-Man.

Yeah. We're talking ULSI.

We are?

Ultra Large Scale Integration.

Ah, ah-ha.

Normally, a little game
like this will have about

20 thousand
transistors on a chip.

This little baby looks
like about a million.

Sells for it, too, huh?

Are you kidding? Huh-uh.

This thing couldn't be for sale.

My guess is it was shoplifted
from a hardwires store

owned by a nice old man
with a long white beard

who's into Stars
and Stripes Forever.

- You want a little friendly
advice, guys.
- Okay.

Get rid of it before
it gets rid of you.

Okay.

The chip. The chip, I believe.

Gas station up there.

It'll give us directions
to the Federal Building.

Are you crazy?

We turn this over to them now,

and I'll have my choice
of murder or treason.

I'll be away so far, they'll
have to pump daylight to me.

What do you want
us to do, join you?

Look, um, nobody
knows about this,

except the middle
man and the other party.

Before we go to the feds,
we gotta flush 'em out.

They killed Howler.

They're the only
ones that can clear me.

We continue with the game plan.

They'll show up
again, I'm sure of it.

That's the kind of logic that
comes with a vitamin deficiency.

- Beats going to the feds.
- [radio static]

A case like this,

Uncle Sam shoots
first and forgets later.

Come in, come in.

Waters fine.

A little hot,
but it's just fine.

[laughing] But seriously, folks,

we hope you're enjoying
the lovely Eagle Inn.

[dummy] Yeah, please forgive
the construction in the lobby.

[laughs] We're not saying
the rooms here are small, but...

You gotta go in the
hall to change your mind.

- That's right.
- Hey, your lips are moving.

Hey, Bergen's lips
moved. Nobody minded.

Yeah, he was on the
radio. Who the hell cared?

Hey, listen, one
more crack out of you,

and I'll have you laminated.

That's more like it.

That's what your
girlfriend told me last night

after you went to sleep.

Listen, what do you know
about girlfriend's, anyway?

I don't know which is worse,

having guys trying to kill
you in the middle of the night,

or having to watch this.

Oh, at least in the
next act I understand

it's a blonde and her
singing German shepherd.

Oh, terrific.

All we need is Joel
Grey, a little black lace,

and we'll have it all.

And the only one who's
made contact with Jerry's

been his waitress.

Listen, um, we could
play the big rooms, I guess.

But we like the intimacy
of the crowd here.

Uh, ladies, what are
my bids for this key, huh?

- Hot and cold running...
- Hey, give me that.

- That's my trunk key.
- Oh, no you don't.

How 'bout over here?
Anybody over here, lady?

No, she's not gonna
take it. There's no ladies.

Let's try over here.

I don't think so. You're
not gonna find anybody.

Meet me here in an
hour after the show.

I don't know why I hang
around with this guy.

He's a lousy conversationalist,

the food stinks,

and the pay I could
cash in or bust.

What's wrong with
the pay, Humphrey?

I take care of your
room and board.

Are you kidding?
My room is a suitcase.

What about the board?

You're looking at it.

You didn't tell me you
were bringing someone.

It's okay, Humph.

Sorry, Humph's
just a little paranoid.

You're down right.

And if any of them
are packing heat,

bring 'em up here
to me right now,

or I'm walking.

Come on, guys. Humor him.

That's better. I feel more
comfortable on stage.

On the piano.

Thank you.

Now, why don't you join
me over here, gentlemen.

I'd like to see the
merchandise, please.

[beeps]

You don't get to peek inside

until we see the
color of your money.

Wait'll they find
out it's all in yen.

It's a small joke.

What do you want from
plywood, Richard Prior?

Here's a bookmark.

Go lose yourself
for about an hour,

or we're gonna park
you in the cheap seats,

permanently.

Come on.

I don't think our
Japanese clients

would appreciate your
little jokes, Humphrey.

Then again, once
they get their hands on

that game, I guess
they'll have the last laugh.

I take it you know just
how special this item is?

He wouldn't know the difference
between that and a hairdryer.

Humph's right. I
don't wanna know.

We're just the
brokers, like you.

Everybody be cool.

[gun fires]

Rick?

Rick?

[chatter]

This is all my
fault, and I'm sorry.

But, there's nothing left to do.

We gotta have some help here.

We gotta call the
cops the FBI, the CIA...

Jerry, if you were trying to
save someone in the ward,

the last thing you'd
do is kick and scream.

Now, if you wanna
have an anxiety attack,

go out in the parking
lot, 'cause I gotta think.

Sorry guys, you didn't
give me a chance to tell you

that the chip wasn't in there.

[spits]

Now there you go again.

You keep beating on me,
now how are we ever gonna

establish a meaningful
relationship?

We'll keep working on
that. Don't you worry.

You're gonna wind up
begging me to ask you

where that chip is.

They don't have the
chip, so Rick is still okay.

My guess is that
I'll get in touch,

they try and set up an exchange.

Listen, I know we
gotta get Rick back.

But I mean, do we just
hand it over to them?

They could be anybody,
Russians, terrorists...

And once the trade is made,

they could try to double cross.

I heard about your brother.

I guess it's your turn
for a run at bum luck.

Biologist, at the
state University, huh?

What the hell is going on, here?

I'm Laura Reynolds, Jerry.

I hope you don't
mind the familiarity,

but I've been with you
for over a month now.

Ever since Heller
first made contact.

- Who are you?
- One of the good guys.

How do I know that?

I'm wearing white, aren't I?

I tell you what,

we don't usually
carry business cards,

but I tell you what you can do.

You can get on the
phone and call your friend,

Janet Fowler, in San Diego.
Somebody's been talking to her.

Well, this is
getting us nowhere.

Maybe this will help.

When you were a kid, you
ever swap baseball cards?

I mean, you know, when you weren't
out picking on somebody half your size?

It seems to me like you guys
sitting here on Whitey Ford,

A.J. and Jerry are
looking at Mickey Mantle.

Seems to me like an easy trade.

Okay, thank you, Janet.

Yes. Yes, I understand.

No, I don't want
to call Washington.

No, I'll tell you later. Let
me call you back, okay?

We're in a little hot
water here, all right?

Right.

Well, now that
you know who I am,

I think you'd better give
me the chip if you've got it.

I have it.

And I intend to hang onto it,

and use it for all it's worth
until I get my brother back.

That's fine, we can help you.

You give me the chip, and we'll
see that the local authorities...

No... Do everything
they can to kill him?

I know how they spell finesse,

It's S-W-A-T.

There's just one thing
you guys are loyal to

and that's your job.

We give you that
chip, you walk away,

and A.J. here becomes
and instant only child.

I don't think you understand.

That chip in the wrong hands
could orphan New York City.

Or Leningrad?

There are no wrong
hands, only wrong minds.

There are enough
idiots on both sides

to turn the whole world
into a nuclear video game.

Look, A.J., I didn't
make the rules, all right?

But I know enough to
know we've gotta have

11 guys on the field
or we forfeit the game.

Yeah, well I'm not
playing the game.

Oh, yes, you're
playing the game.

You just don't know about it,
and you're in way over your head.

I'm not talking about some
small fry like the ventriloquist.

You know about him?

Of course we knew about him.

We picked up on
him five minutes after

Heller stole the chip.

We're after the other guys.

We think they're working
for the Eastern Bloc,

and A.J., if you ride bareback
after them they're gonna burn you.

I don't care if you're talking
about the whole Red Army.

They have my brother!

I'll give you the
chip... in 24 hours.

I'm sorry, I can't go with that.

Well then you can't go at all.

And lady, don't you
dare try and stop me.

Because if you do, I will walk

all the way to Washington D.C.,

and I will talk to a lot
of people on the way.

All right, okay.

But you gotta let
me ride shotgun.

That's fine, you wanna
call up the cavalry,

fine with me.

They're gonna
wanna make a trade,

so maybe we can set 'em up.

I am the cavalry.

It's a very tricky operation

and we can't call
out the brass band.

Well, what can you call out?

Very little firepower and
absolutely no visibility.

But if things get tough, I
can try and back you up.

If things get really tough,

I may have to take you out.

But for right now, you've
gotta trust me enough

to show me that chip.

You're good.

[phone rings]

Let's hope they're not better.

Yes?

A.J., guess who.

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, we're
getting along just fine.

Matter of fact, later on,

we'll probably all just
pile into the station wagon

and go catch Barry
Manilow's late show.

- Look, Rick...
- Just shut up and listen.

Tomorrow at dawn,

the deserted road south
of the Hoover Damn.

You bring what we want,

we'll have something for you.

Wheel's turning.
Let's place our bets.

I think we're a little
early for the tour.

I understand it's well
worth the wait, though.

If your friend doesn't get
here in about five minutes,

you're gonna get
a personal tour.

A lot to see on your way down...

If you look fast.

Maybe you'd like to join me.

[car approaching]

Try anything funny and Humpty
Dumpty there has a big fall.

Dawson, shake him down.

Let's get on with it.

Where's the chip?

Get him away
from the edge first.

That's okay, A.J. I
kind of like it up here.

Great view.

The chip.

We can do this all day.

First, you get him
away from the edge,

then I show you the chip.

You wanna see how
fast he'll go away?

'Cause you're gonna in about
two seconds if I don't see that chip.

Cute.

Now, spit it out
and hand it to me.

First, you get him
away from the edge.

Otherwise I'll just
swallow the chip.

And then we can go through
the whole thing again in 12 hours.

[laughs]

[car approaches]

Don't get nervous, boys.

[chatter inside car]

No funny business.

Let the old geezers go away,

and then we'll take
care of business.

How much you gonna
make out of this deal?

Enough to get me a bus
ticket to the next century.

If there is one after
you and your friends

are through blowing
up the world?

Hey, I'm a businessman.

Not the Secretary of State.

[bickering]

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I was wondering if you
could direct me to Hoover Damn.

- Hoover Damn.
- You're looking at it.

Speak up, now. I can't hear ya.

You're looking at it.

- It's over there.
- Ahh.

Well, you're right! [laughs]

I know I'm right.

Wow.

- It's over there
on the rocks.
- I know.

Well, it's big enough, isn't it?

[gun fires]

You wanna see how
far down it is, huh?

Huh? Huh?

A.J.

A.J., it's a pretty
long way down there.

If you're gonna do it,
kick him. Don't push him.

Otherwise you might go with him.

Come on, tough guy.

Jerry, bring your two.

And you've got
some explaining to do.

Ah.

That is the nicest
one-woman band

I have ever heard.

Well, you play a pretty
mean solo yourself.

Now, can I have that chip?

Come and get it.

Well, how'd I look?

Little bit like one
of your patients.

Come on, up against the car.

That's it, get a
little cute. I like that.

Guess what, you found
honest work. You're gonna drive.

[clears throat]

Hey, A.J. Gotta go.

[whistles]

A.J.

We're, uh... We're
ready on our end.

You ready on your end?

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA